0:00:00 > 0:00:04This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:04 > 0:00:05Babe, I'm embarrassed.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09Yeah, but you've got something going on. It's worth getting it seen.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- Jesus. - Are you the doctor?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Director. It'll be OK. We have an excellent team.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Rich, principal camera. Don't worry. I've done three years of Come Dine and Wipeout.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Hello, darling. I'm Dave. I'll be playing your husband.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24- What? Babe!- Don't worry, I'm RADA-trained. I just played a junkie on The Bill. Here's my CV.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Just going to take a light meter reading, OK?
0:00:27 > 0:00:28My God! What a freak! Great!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30This isn't a hospital.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Crane camera, push right along. Where's make-up?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Chantal, you must be embarrassed. - Yeah.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Great. On my cue, I want to see those tears, OK? Where's Teets?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Don't worry. You're going to be on TV. Hi, I'm Dr Ryan Teets. What's your name?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- Chantal. - Yep, yep, yep, yep.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I need a cappuccino, some sushi and a fair-trade flapjack, stat.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47On my cue, we go live.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- Don't I know you from somewhere? - This is no time for autographs!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Teats, look down and look concerned, right?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I need one of those dangly things around my neck.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Get this man a stethoscope, stat. Where's make-up?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Is there an actual doctor here? - Quiet on set!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Right, let's exploit this, everyone. Camera!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'm embarrassed!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04And action!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Hi, you're watching Embarrassing Bodies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I'm Dr Ryan Teats. Check this out.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11For The Win!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23This is the cafe where they all hang out.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24It's just a modern-day freakshow.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29They're not freaks. They just embarrassed. And naked.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Oh, God. You've got issues.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Haven't you got a third nipple, Sam? - You mean Reg? Yes.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Freak boy!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36There is nothing freaky about Reg.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Whoa, whoa. You called your third nipple Reg?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42No, no. A third nipple is nothing, OK. Wait till you see Rich. Rich!
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Hm?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Give us a flash!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46WOMAN SCREAMS
0:01:46 > 0:01:48CAT MEOWS
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Yes, but mine's black. - So is mine.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh, I'm thinking about your nipple now.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54How much do I know you, John?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Oh, er...
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Na-na-na-na-na-na...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Mmm... Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta... Mmm...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Er...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06No, it's all right. Let me pay. It's my turn.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08'Accessorise.'
0:02:08 > 0:02:10'Sexual.'
0:02:10 > 0:02:11'Practical.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14'Accessorise.'
0:02:14 > 0:02:16'Sexual.'
0:02:16 > 0:02:18'Practical.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20'Useful.'
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Nice bum bag(!)
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Thanks, Lizzie.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Is that a bum bag? - Why are you wearing a bum bag, Sam?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It's a fanny pack. There's a difference.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31What's the difference, Sam?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Everything. You'll all be wearing them soon. Lizzie likes it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Do I?- Yeah. You said "Nice bum bag."
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Yeah, Sam, when people say "nice this" or "nice that" it means something's wrong.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Really?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Nice cardigan.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Cheers, mate.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Nice socks. - Thanks.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47- Nice glasses. - Thanks, babe.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Nice nostrils. - Oh, thanks.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Nice body. - Nice hat.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Nice ferret. - Nice gas mask.- Thanks.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Oh, relationship counselling. I'm late.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Oh, God. Good luck, Lizzie.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah, hope it goes OK.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Thanks. Nothing good can come from that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07THUNDERCLAP
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Whoa, whoa, whoa.- Step away from the table. Not with that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Back it up. - I've got my image to maintain.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Back it up. - Good.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Well, Reg likes it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Your black third nipple likes your bum bag?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Fanny pack, and yes he does. Reg!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25He's not black.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Who ain't black, motherfucker?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm blacker than Jay-Z in a blacked-out limo with a black
0:03:30 > 0:03:33leather interior, wearing a black silk kimono, black slippers
0:03:33 > 0:03:34and black silk panties!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36OK, sorry.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Forget the panties bit.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I'm Reg Robinson, and I endorse this fanny pack, and I tell you for why.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Gather round.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46'While Reg, Sam's third nipple, explains the difference
0:03:46 > 0:03:51'between a bum bag and a fanny pack, let's go biblical on your ass.'
0:03:51 > 0:03:54'Hey, I don't want to give anything away, but this guy dies.'
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Eat this bread, for this is my body.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Do this in remembrance of me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Dear Lord, for this wine we give you thanks and praise.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Take this, all of you, and drink it.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11For this is the cup of my blood. Drink this in memory of me.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Brilliant night, although for a carpenter,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I did expect the place to be a bit nicer.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I had to slip my sandals underneath the table leg to stop it wobbling!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Although home-baked bread was a nice touch.- 'Thanks for that, Peter.'
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Bread and wine as a main course?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33No, I'm not going to let him get away with that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36'And I thought you and Jesus were bosom buddies.'
0:04:36 > 0:04:38If I did that, my mates would be like, "What the hell is this,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"Judas, you tightwad?" And they'd be right.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Not really my crowd.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Stuff about the wine being his blood was a bit bonkers,
0:04:45 > 0:04:46do you know what I mean?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Simmer down, Ruth.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Judas, awkward! Other than that, fab night.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54'Thumbs up for the bread, but how did our host think the evening went?'
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I am shattered. I think it went quite well, though.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Bit of an atmosphere with Judas. I prophesise a tactical vote there.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- He'll deny it, of course. - 'Too right he will!'
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Anyhoo, I've got enough on my mind wondering how I'm doing to
0:05:07 > 0:05:10get all this in the bloody dishwasher!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Take a miracle.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'It's hardly feeding the 5,000.'
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Home-baked bread went down well, though.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16'So, what are the scores?'
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Brilliant food, brilliant night, brilliant entertainment.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Jesus, I'm converted. I've given you an eight.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Lovely home-baked bread, and it did cure my blindness,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26so I'm giving Jesus a seven.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28'That seven from Ruth leaves Jesus
0:05:28 > 0:05:30'needing a score of five or more
0:05:30 > 0:05:31'to head into the lead.'
0:05:31 > 0:05:32It's a three.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34'I didn't see that coming.'
0:05:34 > 0:05:38'Hey, what sketch show wouldn't be complete without a little Jay-Z?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40'I mean Jesus, for the win!'
0:05:40 > 0:05:42'Meanwhile, Lizzie's trying to save her relationship
0:05:42 > 0:05:44'with one of those relationship counsellors,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47'just like me and my first wife Mildred. I hate the fact that...
0:05:47 > 0:05:48'Oh, sorry.'
0:05:48 > 0:05:51There used to be romance. We used to go out for dinner.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He used to open doors for me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54I was a doorman.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58At least you had manners then.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Yeah, I was paid to do that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I had no idea she was so old-fashioned.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04She wants a man from the 19th century.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I'm not old-fashioned. I'm quite street, actually.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Street?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10She wouldn't talk to me for a week
0:06:10 > 0:06:12because I didn't warm the teapot properly.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It ruins the brewing process!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He used to be such a gentleman.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- I didn't. - This isn't working.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Because at the end of the day...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You are blatantly jealous. At the end of the day do you like me?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Cos I like you and you like you, you just don't I won't he will
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I won't, you get me? It's all about love, basically.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39At the end the day, relationships all about stuff, innit?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41So what you're saying is that...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45So let me finish. You finished? Can I finish?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him. Let me finish.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Let me finish? All right.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You say that, though, but do you mean that, though?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Cos at the end of the day my friend was like "You're blatantly out of order, yeah?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I said I'm blatantly not, cos I wasn't. She said you blatantly have no right.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Ask yourself, "I might be listening, but am I hearing, though?"
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Exactly, thank you so much.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10'It's an all-star line-up,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13'including all of your favourites such as Warty Girl,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16'BO. Boy, and bacne man!'
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Morbidly Obese Man!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Live, on ice!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Looking at Stevie's embarrassing banana-shaped penis, all on ice!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36It's not exploita...tive at all.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And don't miss Humiliating Buttocks Boy, on ice!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43What about Self-conscious Sarah and her hideous breasts? Now on ice!
0:07:43 > 0:07:49Amazing. I've never seen such embarrassing bodies... on ice.
0:07:49 > 0:07:56I've been 25 times with... My whole family, and it's just a goat...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Great night out for the whole family.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01And, in a fantastic finale,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03the nation's favourite embarrassing couple.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Distressing Foreskin Man and Denise Welch skate the famous Bolero.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Bolero!
0:08:18 > 0:08:22At an ice rink near you. Book tickets now, on ice!
0:08:23 > 0:08:29On ice, baby, for the win! Feel my balls!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47'Action cool.'
0:08:47 > 0:08:50What is this now? The bum bag gang?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53No, they're fanny packs, Lizzie. They're making a comeback.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I'm telling you, nothing good can come from wearing bum bags.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Lizzie, fanny packs are in. They're modern, they're up-to-date.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- They're practical. - They're now.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'm not old-fashioned.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06ALL: Oh!
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Lizzie!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Lizzie!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I'm sorry, I split up with my boyfriend.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14ALL: Ahhh.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Wait, what about counselling?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Well, that didn't go well, and I tried to talk to him,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24and he just did this tiny smile and thought we needed a break.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Sam, what's a tiny smile?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I don't know. Is this it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Hey, London. - Hm?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- What's a tiny smile? - Erm...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Let me ask Rich. Rich, what's a tiny smile?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Er...- Yes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47John, John. What's a tiny smile?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I think it's this.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Oh, yeah. That is a tiny smile.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Is this a tiny smile?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54No, it's not.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Is this a tiny smile?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Is this a tiny smile?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Is this a tiny smile?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Is this a tiny smile?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Is this a tiny smile?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02That's a tiny smile.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03OK.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08This is a tiny smile.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Tiny smiles!
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Tiny smiles.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Tiny smiles.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Tiny smiles.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Tiny smiles.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Tiny smiles.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Tiny smiles.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Tiny smiles.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Tiny smiles.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Tiny smiles.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Tiny smiles.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Tiny smiles.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Tiny smiles.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Tiny smiles.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Tiny smiles.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Tiny smiles.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Tiny smiles.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Tiny smiles.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Tiny smiles. Smiles.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Smiles.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Tiny smiles.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Tiny smiles.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Tiny smiles.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Tiny smiles...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Anyway, guys.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Thanks for listening.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Tiny smiles for the win.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Hi. I'm here with actress and national treasure Helen Dench.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Helen, thank you for having us.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Pleasure.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Now, your new film, Fashion Requiem is your first
0:11:03 > 0:11:06lead role since you won the Oscar for Best Actress.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07I mean, was there any pressure at all?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Well, there were a few butterflies to start with,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14but as soon as you're on set they just fade away,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16and you focus on the job at hand.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18It expresses the importance of...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And how anything is possible.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And how fashion mistakes like this can lead
0:11:28 > 0:11:29to the end of life as we know it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34The end or the beginning of a career, or even the end of time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Legend has it that...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43..can bring about Armageddon.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Fashion is very, very serious, and of course,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I've always wanted to work with the director.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Right, great.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Are you aware there's a cartoon mouse living in your vagina?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, he doesn't live there. That's his office.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06'What the hell was that?'
0:12:06 > 0:12:09'Meanwhile, back at the Lizzie...'
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Yeah, when you pull them out, they come out, pupupup, like that.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13- Barry.- What's that?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Here, what's the matter, darling?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Here, have a little ciggie.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yeah, get one of these down you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I would, thanks, but I don't like menthol.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24What? No, white tips.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- What?- Just cos they're white tips don't mean they're menthol.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yeah, duty-free. Haven't you ever been abroad?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Yeah, white tips. - White tips.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Haven't you ever been backpacking, perhaps during your 19th year?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Met some of the best friends you'll ever have in your life? White tips.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You never sat in a bistro in Paris, France, reading a letter
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and considering existentialism and the futility of human life? White tips.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Haven't you ever deep-sea dived off the island of Phuket?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Experienced the whole universe of underwater life
0:12:51 > 0:12:55that is incomprehensible in its variety and wonder?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57White tips.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00That's what that is. Have you never stood atop Machu Picchu
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and discovered that your animal spirit is an eagle, soaring
0:13:03 > 0:13:06over the wild with an all-seeing eye like everything and nothing?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08White tips!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10White tips!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Haven't you ever hacked your way into the Amazon jungle,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15huge initiation ceremonies,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20suspending you from a tree for weeks by hooks through your nipples?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22The pain of which is so excruciating
0:13:22 > 0:13:24you relive your own birth?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26White tips! White tips!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You've got to get out more!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Don't be so narrow-minded! White tips!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm sorry. It says menthol on the box.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Ah, yeah, no, they are menthols, yeah.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Anyway, cheer yourself up.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Get yourself a python.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43'Get yourself a what?'
0:13:44 > 0:13:47'Weirdo. White tips for the win.'
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Hi, there. I'm here about the snake, the python you had for sale.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, yeah?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59So, do you own many snakes?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No, just a python.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I moved to a smaller flat so it's getting a bit big for me.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Are they good companions? I just split up with my boyfriend.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Hold on, wait, wait, wait.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Is this a boyfriend substitute, is it?- No.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Good. Because I want it to go to a good home.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, no, it will.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You're not going to put it round your neck and pole dance with it
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- to assert your femininity? - Certainly not.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Because you look a bit old-fashioned for that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'm not old-fashioned.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25No.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Anyway, come in.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35What, that's your python?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Yeah. Gorgeous, isn't she?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Yeah. Excuse me if I don't get up. Just had a rabbit.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Plays havoc with me guts. Take about four days, that will.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45But he's not a python.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- What did she say? - Says you're not a python, Warren.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Look at him!- Who do you think you are? Coming here, mouthing off.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, that's right. Coming in my house.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53- Our house.- Our house.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Disrespecting my python? There's only one thing for it.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Take it away, Warren.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# Can prove that I'm not lying
0:15:23 > 0:15:25# I nosh...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'll take him.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11For The Win, sketch show!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Dude. Bastard.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Jack, come here, please. I'm angry!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Hello, Grandma Myrtle.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Don't hello me. I'm very angry right now.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24What's the matter?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Well, you see the actor. - Yeah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28- Leonardo DiCaprio. - Yes.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Him a racist.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is he? I don't think he is.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Think about it. See this film right here, Titanic?- Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35- Big ship.- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Sail across the ocean.- Yeah.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- Sink.- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- Everybody dead.- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Not one of them was black. - Yeah, but isn't that a good thing?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43What?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46There weren't any black people on that ship, were there?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- You saying black people don't go on ships?- No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- How do you think we got to this country?- We can't swim.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Can you say that? - I just did say it.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Anyway, what about his other films?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Me see a film the other day. Gangs Of New York. You seen that film?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Yeah.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00- It's all about gangs.- Yeah.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02There was no black people in that film.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04And you know, black people just love to be in gangs.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Everyday, them a-shoot up, shoot up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That's awful. You can't say that, that is racist.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- That is racist. You can't say that. - Well, it's the truth.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Wasn't Gangs Of New York about Irish immigrants?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Are you trying to say Irish people can't be black now?- No.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I know plenty of blirish people. There is, erm...
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Anyway. I'm say, right, Leonardo DiCaprio is a racist.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Think about it, think about it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32He never plays black people in him flim.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Everyday he's just white, white face.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You never see him play Martin Luther King.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39He'd have to black up, Grandma Myrtle. He can't do that.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Eddie Murphy plays white people all the time, John.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Basically, everyone in the whole world is a little bit racist,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49if you think about it, apart from me, you and Barack Obama.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Yeah, man.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Racist!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53All right, I'm just confused.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Get away from me!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Too funny!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Love you, Grandma Myrtle.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Love you too, you honky.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle. For the win!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05She's black. And I'm a turtle.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Ugh!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- Give me a seat rep, soldier. - We're pinned down, captain!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16We're fucking screwed!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Communications down.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20We've got shells coming in from about three clicks north.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And snipers up there in the tree line.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Goddammit!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I don't want to die! I don't want to die!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Cool it, Johnson! Johnson, cool it. We can do this.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Semper fi, gentlemen. Semper fi.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37So, here's the plan. We're going to take them where they least expect it.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41We take them head-on, give them everything we got, light this place up.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- This is our time, gentlemen. - Oo-rah!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- It's us or them. - Oo-rah!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Now or never! - Oo-rah!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- We are the Marines! - Oo-rah!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Oo-fricking-rah! - Oo-fricking-rah!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Let's go out there and fuck some ass!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Oo-r.... Oh.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Aaaah!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Did he say...
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Fuck some ass?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Yeah.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Yeah, I think he did. - Yeah.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Bit weird.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Definitely said "Fuck some ass."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28'War for the win! Yay, war! Wait, sorry.'
0:19:31 > 0:19:32'Oo-rah!'
0:19:32 > 0:19:35One of the problems with this, and indeed comedy of today,
0:19:35 > 0:19:40other than it being inward-looking and self-referential...
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Mmm, indeed.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44..Is that it leans too much towards the unsophisticated and crude.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Mmm.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Mmm.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52I entirely agree. The craftsmanship is undermined by the vulgarity.
0:19:52 > 0:19:58Clearly route one, and base, and obsessed with toilet humour.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Oh, yes. Homoeroticism.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Oh, homoeroticism!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10- It's childish.- Homoeroticism! Homoeroticism!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Well, one of the problems with this, and indeed comedy these days,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- other than being inward looking and self-referential...- Indeed.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22..Is that it leads to often towards the unsophisticated and the crude.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23FART
0:20:23 > 0:20:24I entirely agree.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25FART
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- The craftsmanship is essentially undermined by the vulgarity. - FART
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It's clearly route one, it's base, and it obsessed with...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34FART
0:20:34 > 0:20:35..toilet seat humour.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- I mean, essentially, it's... - FART
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- ..Childish. - FART
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Just something a little bit more classy...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43So, what do you think?
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Brilliant. Lock it, doofus.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47- Nice bum bag. - It's a fanny pack!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Whatever.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Where's my mashed banana, Goddammit?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Somebody get my trader, now!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Buy, buy, buy!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Fuck! I get up at six every morning and head to the office.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Normally I'm hungover like a bastard,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07but that doesn't matter, because my job is shit hot, and I'm a hot shit.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I'm a trader in the City of London, and this is my story.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Yes!
0:21:12 > 0:21:16My job is amazingly complicated. She would never understand it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I do, because my school was expensive.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I shop at Hackett, and my dad is rich as fuck!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I made an arseful of cash nuggets at the last recession
0:21:22 > 0:21:24like a cash wizard,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27so even though I'm spending their pensions
0:21:27 > 0:21:29on golfing holidays, I hate old people.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30They are weak.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33You can see their veins.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36After work I hit the bar like a sex truck.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I buy everyone drinks and let them know how handsome I am.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Then I ensure I get receipts for expenses.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46If I see some totty I like, I'll entice them with my guns.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51They are muscly from skiing. Skiing, like surprise anal, is awesome.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53And if that doesn't work, I will tell her about my job
0:21:53 > 0:21:57as a trader where I once earned so much money I bought a gold bin
0:21:57 > 0:22:00just so I could throw it in my other, slightly larger gold bin.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05If that doesn't give her a hard-on,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I'll get her drunk or drug her, then attack her while she sleeps.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I love champagne! Hackett!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13The best thing about being a city trader is you can be rude to
0:22:13 > 0:22:14waitresses and then shag them.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Hey, love. Do you take it in the shitter, or what?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Lesbian.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23I love shagging birds, mainly because it makes my cock feel nice, but also because women are thick.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I hate them, and I shop at Hackett.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Jonny Wilkinson would be my hero if he wasn't so fucking poor.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Am I right?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Sometimes, when I'm alone at night...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40..I think of all the things I've done
0:22:40 > 0:22:41and I do weep.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Do I fucko?! Aaaa!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'm invincible! Hackett!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52'City bonus for the win!'
0:22:52 > 0:22:53'Meanwhile, back at the cafe...'
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Listen, Lizzie, old spunk,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59you've got to pull yourself out of this boyfriend nonsense.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Over the years, Richard
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and I have come to see ourselves as father figures to you chaps.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You know, young father figures with good skin. Like cool dads, you know.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Wouldn't be out of place if we came partying with you, would it?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Anyway, it's times like this I like to think
0:23:13 > 0:23:16back to what my father used to say to me.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"It's the second hole down from the back of the neck."
0:23:18 > 0:23:19No...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- "I hate you. You remind me of your mother."- No.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24"If you carry on like this, you'll end up running a cafe."
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Richard, Richard. - Yes?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Thanks, old boy. You're not helping, OK?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Thanks.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38No, he used to say to me, "Son, you're a lion!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You're a lion?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Yeah, and it used to give me the courage to do certain things.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Like when you kissed that man for drugs in Thailand.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48That was Tie Rack.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Oh.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52OK, so just say it, Lizzie, OK?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Tie Rack?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56No, I am a lion.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I am a lion.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Say it, come on. Say it, feel it!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'm a lion.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02I'm a lion. All of you, say it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04ALL: I'm a lion. I'm a lion.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- It feels good, doesn't it?- Yeah.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07- I'm a lion.- You're a lion.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08I'm a lion.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I'm a python.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Shut up, Warren. I'm a lion!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13A lion!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Now say it. Stand up. - I'm a lion!
0:24:15 > 0:24:16All of you, say it.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19ALL: I'm a lion! I'm a lion!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- I'm going to go out there. - ALL: I'm going to go out there.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I'm going to fuck some arse!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Come on!
0:24:27 > 0:24:31That's it! I'm going to fuck some arse! Yeah!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Um, Lizzie, I think what John was trying to say...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Are you coming?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Yes.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- That was a bit weird.- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Oh, yeah, Lizzie.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45We've clubbed together and got you something to cheer you up.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Yeah, just something small.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Oh, love you guys!
0:24:48 > 0:24:49There it is.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Open it, open it, open it!
0:24:53 > 0:24:54It's a...
0:24:54 > 0:24:55It's a...
0:24:58 > 0:24:59..bum bag.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Fanny pack!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You bought me a bum bag...
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Fanny pack.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05..to cheer me up?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It's not a bum bag.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07It's a fanny pack.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10What difference does it make?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Come on!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Hey, nice bum bag, mate.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's not a bum bag, it's a fanny pack.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I was just passing on my way back from the ranch.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I could not help but notice those fanny packs.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28I'd like to get me one of those fanny packs, and money's no object.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Sir, I couldn't help notice that fine-looking,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35but practical fashion accoutrement you be sporting there.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Why, this here's a fanny pack.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I got to get me one of those.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Allow me, good sir. One fanny pack for my fine new friend here.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44In fact, who else wants a fanny pack?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45I'll have me a fanny pack, sir.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Fanny pack.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'll have me a fanny pack, please, sir.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Fanny pack.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I'll have me a fanny pack and make no mistake.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57That's four fanny packs. In fact, fanny packs for everybody!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59ALL: Yee-ha!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Some crazy Yankee doodle Dandy out there's selling fanny packs
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- like there's no tomorrow! - ALL: What?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Come see for yourself!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Excuse me, young lady. Where's my manners?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I couldn't help noticing
0:26:18 > 0:26:21that we share the same sartorial inclinations.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I was wondering if you might accompany an old-fashioned
0:26:23 > 0:26:27gentleman down to the market store, see what might be occurring.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I had no idea she was so old-fashioned.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32She wants a man from the 19th century.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Can I get a coffee, please?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Happy endings for the win!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46An 80s throwback is making a comeback.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Fanny pack maniacs, play back the soundtrack!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# Forget about the wisecrack
0:26:56 > 0:26:57# Hold back the backchat
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# A laid-back, funky pack Goes with the slacks pack
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# It's better than a knapsack Or even a jet pack
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# It's funky on your butt crack Or just above the nutsack.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# You can't go wrong when you're Strapping on a fanny pack.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13# White, red or pitch black
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# You'll look like a savvy chap
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# A dandy little Johnny Pack
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Better than a sixpack A cotton-picking honey trap
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# A brightly coloured zip bag That's handy for a quick snack
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# How about a flapjack Or what about a tic tac?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# A baggy little belt strap For zipping up your knickknacks.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# I've got to get my breath back
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Don't get sidetracked By calling it a bum bag
0:27:36 > 0:27:37# Stay on the right track
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Slide on a hunchback And bring on the...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52What's going on, Reg?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Ain't it obvious, motherfucker?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Looks like we've got fannypackolypse on our hands.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I'm Reg Robinson, let me explain. Gather round.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Win!
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I told you, nothing good can come from wearing bum bags.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I mean, admittedly, I didn't expect fannypackolypse,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23but my point still stands.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26What? They're coming back.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30'Finkelmayer Tea Wocko!'
0:28:30 > 0:28:31'I made that up. It's For The Win.'