0:00:05 > 0:00:08Are you watching?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28MACHINE BEEPS
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CAMERA HUMS
0:00:43 > 0:00:45DOOR CREAKS
0:00:51 > 0:00:54BEEPING AND WHIRRING
0:01:01 > 0:01:05STATIC FIZZLING
0:01:08 > 0:01:14TELEVISIONS CHATTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Raaaargh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Urgh! Urgh!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Waaah!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Meep! Meep!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Euurgh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56BEEPING AND WHIRRING
0:02:56 > 0:02:57ALARMS RING AND BUZZ
0:03:00 > 0:03:03He doesn't seem to be doing very well.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- CROWD BOOING - Who are you supposed to be?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You look like that guy... from that TV show, the, uh...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I think he is getting better, don't you?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12What was the name of the show?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16It escapes me right now. But trust me, you look just like him.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Am I right? OK, you guys suck as well!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20BOOING
0:03:20 > 0:03:22CHEERING
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I'm back!
0:03:26 > 0:03:33That was Joey Delaware there. You know what? I like some of his stuff.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38I thought he was... All right, all right!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Boy, what a day I have had today. - LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:44That's right, I'm opening up, old school!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I have had quite the day, today. I haven't, this is all a lie!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Stay with it! I have had quite the day, today.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54First thing I did when I woke up this morning, dislocated my jaw.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Yeah.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Got up my pet python, swallowed him whole in one go!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- LAUGHTER - See how he likes it for a change!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Pow!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"But Tony, that is a dangerous to open up the show.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"What with that bit being so poor and all."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, I know.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I know, I did that on purpose. That's cos I am dangerous.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I'm a danger dog!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24The Boy With Tape On His Face!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:36ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:48 > 0:04:52RAPID SCRATCHING NOISE
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Hello, ocean! Who will win this time?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07SPLASH
0:05:07 > 0:05:12ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:36 > 0:05:39HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS # This is a throwdown, a showdown
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# Come on, I can't slow down It's gonna go down
0:05:42 > 0:05:44# First offence!
0:05:44 > 0:05:45# On the mix!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# Go on and...breakdown!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49# OK, party people in the house
0:05:49 > 0:05:51# Can I have your attention please?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53# Music that is played in many parts
0:05:53 > 0:05:56# Go on and...breakdown!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00# One...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01# Two...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03# Three... #
0:06:03 > 0:06:07MIMICS VINYL SCRATCHING EFFECT
0:06:16 > 0:06:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:28PIANO PLAYS
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- RECORDING: - 'Man versus machine.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53'Man versus machine.'
0:07:27 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:37'Man versus machine. Round 1 - fight.'
0:08:02 > 0:08:05CHEERING
0:08:20 > 0:08:24CHEERING
0:09:47 > 0:09:48ALL: Yeah!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18'I'd like to speak to you now about a friend of mine.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21'A time-travelling sausage dog called Cartridge Davidson.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26'A lot of people say to me, "Tony, how do you achieve time travel?"
0:10:26 > 0:10:30'I host a 1950s theme party full of sausage dogs...'
0:10:32 > 0:10:36You need around 38 of them to get that party started.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40At noon, you get them on the brandy because they love a drink
0:10:40 > 0:10:44and then at 5 o'clock in the evening, introduce the hula hoop.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48When those drunk little bastards start spinning their long,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52weird bodies, a worm-hole will open up.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Any of you who know anything about science will know exactly what I mean.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01One time, I lost my dog while time travelling.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05We'd gone back to ancient Egypt where they'd turned him into a god.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08They even made statues of him.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13In the Roman Republic, he became chummy with the dictator Sulla.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14They put him in the senate.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Meanwhile, I'm down the road mucking out the horses.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21They came and stole me from my village
0:11:21 > 0:11:25and turned me into a gladiator.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Cartridge Davidson the senator who had the ear of the dictator
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Sulla knew all about this and let it go on for a week.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35He could have used his power
0:11:35 > 0:11:40and influence at any moment to stop it, but, no, he thought it was funny.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Well, it wasn't funny. It was bloody dangerous.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47All those times stuck under that net whole the gladiators
0:11:47 > 0:11:51with their tridents were teasing and mocking me.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55They don't tell you about the sarcasm in gladiator movies.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01Anyway, to cut a long and entirely fictional story short,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Cartridge Davidson stayed back in the Viking era
0:12:04 > 0:12:07with his effeminate friend Thorag.
0:12:07 > 0:12:13I guess, in the end, I didn't lose him. Cartridge Davidson just left me.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21CHEERING
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Man, Delaware's stinking it out.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40I ain't saying he's big, but, how big is he?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Jeez, he's big.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45BOOING
0:12:48 > 0:12:50JEERING
0:12:50 > 0:12:53CHEERING
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Joey's... I thought he was great.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I enjoyed some of it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Good old Joey.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12BOOING
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Figures.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Have you guys noticed this moon? Every time...
0:13:17 > 0:13:22It seems like once a month at least, you look outside, there's the moon.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25What the frick's it doing there?! It's always following me.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I go inside, I come back out, there's the moon still.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I hate the moon. The moon's stalky.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Stupid moon.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38All right. That was my noticing stuff bit about the moon.
0:13:38 > 0:13:44And now, it gives the same amount of pleasure as the first time, which
0:13:44 > 0:13:50is a great deal, to welcome onto the stage the boy with tape on his face.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54CHEERING
0:13:57 > 0:13:59FANFARE
0:14:13 > 0:14:18GYPSY ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:56 > 0:14:57MUSIC STOPS
0:14:57 > 0:15:01MILITARY DRUM ROLL
0:15:01 > 0:15:13METRO GOLDWYN MAYER FILM END MUSIC
0:15:13 > 0:15:17BALLOON WHEEZES IN TUNE
0:15:17 > 0:15:19APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:28FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:38 > 0:15:39AUDIENCE GIGGLES
0:15:44 > 0:15:46AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:16:29 > 0:16:31KNUCKLES RAP ON METAL
0:16:31 > 0:16:34AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:16:47 > 0:16:51FUNKY MUSIC INTRO
0:16:51 > 0:16:57AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER
0:16:57 > 0:16:59# Ooh!
0:16:59 > 0:17:07FUNKY BEAT
0:17:10 > 0:17:14TOM JONES: # Baby, take off your clothes
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# Please, oh!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# Baby, take off your shoes
0:17:26 > 0:17:30# Go on, I'll help you take off your shoes
0:17:30 > 0:17:33AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:33 > 0:17:37# Baby, take off your dress... #
0:17:37 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:54 > 0:17:59TAPPING
0:18:06 > 0:18:10VARIOUS CHANNELS PLAY
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Deeba-deeba-deeb. Hello, final words here.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Management. Management!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Listen, I've been thinking about your career.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I think you need a gimmick, I think you need a funny name,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25something that feels global but sounds international.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I'm thinking dentist the clown.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32What do you think? OK, have your talk and be.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36We'll talk to my listening people. Out.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39CHANNELS PLAY
0:18:42 > 0:18:47BIRDS TWEET AND COO
0:18:54 > 0:18:56WHISTLE SOUNDS
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Party?- Party?- Party?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Party?- Party?- Party?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Party?- Party?- Party?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10HE GROANS
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Party!- Party!- Party!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Pricks.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21WARNING SIRENS SCREAM
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- JAZZY VERSION - # Turn around
0:19:25 > 0:19:28# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- # You're never coming around - # Turn around
0:19:30 > 0:19:32# Every now and then I get a little bit tired
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- # Of listening to the sound of my tears- # Turn around
0:19:34 > 0:19:36# Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
0:19:36 > 0:19:38# The best of all the years have gone by
0:19:38 > 0:19:39# Turn around
0:19:39 > 0:19:41# Every now and then I get little bit terrified
0:19:41 > 0:19:43# Then I see the look in your eyes
0:19:43 > 0:19:44# Turn around, bright eyes
0:19:44 > 0:19:46# Every now and then I fall apart
0:19:46 > 0:19:47# Turn around, bright eyes
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# Every now and then I fall apart...#
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Man, Delaware is tanking!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00BOOING
0:20:00 > 0:20:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:09There he goes. You know, I thought that was...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11uh...interesting.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Yeah, some nice...nice ideas
0:20:15 > 0:20:18in the middle there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So anyways, when you have kids, you've got to change your life.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22I mean, for crying out loud,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I used to be a Mayan priest in the Middle Ages.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29That's no way to parent.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32All right, that's enough from me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Ladies and gentlemen, please won't you put your hands together
0:20:36 > 0:20:40and welcome onto the stage, The Boy With Tape On His Face!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:47WHIMSICAL ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:47 > 0:20:49HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS
0:20:49 > 0:20:52APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- MONKEYS SCREECH - Well, hello, jungle!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:37BALLOON POPS
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24MUSIC: "Theme: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" by Ennio Morricone
0:22:24 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:36 > 0:22:38MUSIC: "You Gave Love (A Bad Name)" by Bon Jovi
0:22:38 > 0:22:42# Shot through the heart, and you're to blame... #
0:22:42 > 0:22:44HE FIRES STAPLER
0:22:44 > 0:22:45BALLOON POPS
0:22:46 > 0:22:49THEY FIRE STAPLERS
0:22:52 > 0:22:54BALLOON POPS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:11 > 0:23:13WHIMSICAL MUSIC RESUMES
0:23:16 > 0:23:20APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:52# Return to sender
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# Return to sender
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# I gave a letter to the postman
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# He put it in his sack
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# Bright and early next morning
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# He brought my letter back
0:25:11 > 0:25:12# She wrote upon it
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# Return to sender
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# Address unknown
0:25:20 > 0:25:21# No such number
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# No such zone. #
0:25:26 > 0:25:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:35WHIMSICAL MUSIC RESUMES
0:25:37 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:25:59HE KNOCKS ON BOX
0:25:59 > 0:26:02AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:26:49 > 0:26:52In the last 30 minutes, I showed you a beach ball,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55two toothbrushes, and a small, ceramic dog.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Did you spot them? Did you?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00BLENDER WHIRS
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd