0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Why did we want to set up our own super-club?
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Why did WE want to set up our own super-club?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Why DID we want to set up our own super-club?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Because we WANTED to set up our own super-club.- Exactly!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25You know, I mean, most people, they go to work during the week
0:00:25 > 0:00:27and it's only during the weekends
0:00:27 > 0:00:29they can let their hair down and party.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32What if your hair was always down
0:00:32 > 0:00:37and you were always party...ing?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I don't actually let my hair down or grow it long.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Why would I hide this face?
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Although you did let it down that one time.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- I did, didn't I? - Yeah, and you looked great.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Thanks, man. You'd look good with your hair down.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- Really?- Yeah, you would. - Thank you.- No worries.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Guys, I run the classified ads section.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55When you called about putting a piece in the paper,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I thought you meant an advert,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59which you're going to have to pay for.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- How much are they?- 50p a word.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- How big are the boxes the words go in?- That's extra.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- What about a photo of us?- No.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06- Really?- No.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08OK, you've got yourself a deal, we'll place an ad!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I assume you accept cash.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Probably need some more, actually.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Yeah, yeah, I'll add this up.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- You do it.- 50...50p.
0:01:19 > 0:01:2050p?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24What about, "Bamboo-superclub-is-open-tomorrow?"
0:01:24 > 0:01:26That was a lot of words you just said together quickly
0:01:26 > 0:01:28to make it sound like one word.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yes, that is true, that is what I just did.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We've only got enough for one word
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and I think I know what that word should be.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You know it!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Party!- Bamboo!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Bamboo.- Right, yes, Bamboo.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42That's better.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54MUSIC: "Hey You" by The Rocksteady Crew
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Right, which one of these says luxury mega-club more?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- What are they? - Toilet roll holder things.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Which one's easier to do coke off?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Done.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, snap, look who decided to crash the party!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Who is that guy? He like-a de pies!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- That's Buddha, mate. - Oh, yeah, Buddha!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Buddha, Buddha, Buddha! Who is Buddha?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27He's the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Top mind work, D-Bone!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33You see that is why you are the brains and I am...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38..Scott.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Guys, can we get him in the corner, please?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46MUSIC: "Thrift Shop (feat Wanz)" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
0:02:53 > 0:02:54SHE MOUTHS
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Dan!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Kate. Wow, er...hi.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- I thought you were travelling. - Yeah, I was.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You know, India, Korea, Vietnam, ha!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Switzerland, the whole gang.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10But, you know, some people go travelling and they come back
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and they're like, "Yeah, it changed me, blah-blah-blah,"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15and it's like, "Yeah, whatever! You and everyone else!"
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yeah, tell me about it.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Although it did ACTUALLY change me.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Wow. Sounds intense, mate.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Yeah. Look, I'm here about the bar job.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27I know it's a bit late.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I was kind of hoping that you might need
0:03:29 > 0:03:30an extra pair of hands tomorrow.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33My veggie shake stall is early phases and I just...
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- Quick word in the office please, mate.- Oh, right.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39We're not hiring Kate.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41We're fully staffed, innit!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Dude, it's fine, just fire Kev!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Really?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Or someone else that can't hear me.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Scott, I know she dissed you back at school,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53but that was a long time ago.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55This isn't about me!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You've been horny for that girl since we were in short trousers,
0:03:58 > 0:03:59but we've got a job to do, amigo!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Look, back when she knew me
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I was just another bender with a PlayStation 2.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- No, I...- Now I have my own super-club
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and a PlayStation 3.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- And Evita.- When?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Last week.- Nice!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I'm just saying, amigo, be careful of this.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The heart's higher up than that.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yeah, I know.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Still nowhere near the heart. - Just be careful of this.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I've got some really bad news.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34The job's yours!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Oh, God. DJ Crumbs is playing here?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah. Awesome, right?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I can't escape him, can I?!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Oh, we broke up a few months ago
0:04:47 > 0:04:49after he fucked Kate!
0:04:49 > 0:04:50But you're Kate?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Oh, a different Kate! - Come here, Kate!
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Stop saying her name!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56But Kate's your name. It's confusing!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Sorry, come here.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02SHE SOBS
0:05:02 > 0:05:04INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
0:05:04 > 0:05:08HE MIMES
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- Let's get drunk!- Yeah.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40MUSIC: "Memeo" by Delphic
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- I know! - HE MOCK RETCHES
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Wish I hadn't had those beers!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Pussy was out last night.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I know. It was puss-mania!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Hi, Mrs T.- Don't mind me, dudes.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You can say "pussy" all you like, that's cool.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Your dad would have had a problem with it but, phh, I don't.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Now he's not around you can say pussy or punani, flange.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Mum!- Gash?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Jesus, Mum, no-one says that anymore!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33How's opening night going? Have we got a date yet?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Yeah, it's actually looking like... - We're playing with some dates, yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39DJ Crumbs' availability and whatnot, etc, etc.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40But this, this flyer has a date!
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Dad got engaged!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46What? To...?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48To the...?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Yeah.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52They're bigger than that actually, they're sort of...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55But, yeah, so you might not feel up to it.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58How are those eggs going?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Right! Yeah, let's get those eggs on, bitches!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Guys, tonight's going to be intense,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18so if ever you feel nervous,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21or afraid, or confused,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24or hungry, or weird,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28just look over at my face and know that everything's going to be OK.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31We're all in this together.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You have a say in this and you have a voice.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You have a voice!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Guys, you haven't told us where the glasses are.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Shut up, I'm talking!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You're putting me off.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Just don't spill the drinks, OK?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48HE APPLAUDS HIMSELF
0:07:51 > 0:07:52It's happening, isn't it?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55We said we'd do it and we're doing it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Yeah.- Once upon a time, we said,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"Let's open our own super-club," and what's happening tonight?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- BOTH:- We're opening our own super-club!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Exactly. I mean, that's what we said we'd do and now it's like,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- "Oh, my God, it's really happening!" - It's actually happening.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's something that's happening
0:08:10 > 0:08:11that we said should happen a while ago
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- and now it's really happening.- Yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I mean, it's really happening, isn't it? Once upon a time...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Guys?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I'm really worried about the glasses.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Why can you never ask me anything useful, Kev?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Like, "What do you use in your hair?"
0:08:29 > 0:08:31or, "Which famous people have you met?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- DJ Crumbs in the house!- Hey, hey, I thought you were setting up later?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- You all right, Kate?- Don't use her name in front of me, you pig!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- But that's your name too! - It is confusing.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Dan, I'm sorry, I can't be here. This was a mistake.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47No, it wasn't! Listen, babe, I want you to stay.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Ever since you first started working for us
0:08:49 > 0:08:52this afternoon it's been wicked.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I've had a really nice time.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Hey, Mr DJ, I heard what you did to my friend here and it stinks
0:08:59 > 0:09:02so, you know, we don't need you!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Get out of here and take your popular, bullshit,
0:09:05 > 0:09:10everyone-wants-to-dance-to-this music, you big, scary dick.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13HE LAUGHS
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Mate, what have you done?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Scott, don't take it out on him, he was just sticking up for me.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Shut up! This is a conversation between two men,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- not two men and a massive bitch! - Don't talk to her like that!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, what, you going to throw me out now too?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Don't talk crazy talk, we'll be fine, we don't need him!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Bamboo is strong, it will never break.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Tonight's going to be the greatest night Greater London's ever seen!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37TECHNO MUSIC
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Dan, I'm going to lay the eggs for you Gangnam Style, we're bunghole!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53DJ Crumbs just tweeted all his fans telling them
0:09:53 > 0:09:57to boycott Bamboo, that's why it's 11 o'clock and this place is dead!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I messed up! Hit me!
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Hit me now!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Sorry, are you OK? - I deserved that.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13But I think I know how to make it right.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17How do you find the piece of bread that will save Bamboo?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Follow the cr... - Buy more bread!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Follow the crumbs! - Follow the crumbs!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24DJ Crumbs! We've gotta get him back, basically.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37HE KNOCKS ON WINDOW
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Ah-hoo, ha-ha-ha! Sweet limousine ride!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Thanks for letting us see you.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49See you're smoking a ganja spliff. Is it hydroponics shit or..?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I dunno.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Sweet. So anyway, my man here dropped a stinky one.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- What?- He means I messed up.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59But here's the thing, Crumbs, I did it for love.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yeah, you've got a heart, Crumbs. I mean, the way you spin those decks
0:11:02 > 0:11:05you've gotta know there's a heart beating under there.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Look, I was just trying to show off in front of Kate,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10but we need you back. We'll do anything to get you back.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11And tweet your fans saying,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Hey, guys, come to Bamboo, please, immediately," or something.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Would you blow each other?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- I wouldn't be happy...- There would have to be some ground rules.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, well, no looking at each other, obviously.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Right. No spitting or tugging.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Of course. And you can go first.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Oh, good.- That's not good.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Get it out the way! - Whatever, just nothing in the face.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Only in the mouth. - Not in the mouth either!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42- Are you sure?- Yes!- OK, fine.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Guys, guys, I'm joking, yeah?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Look, just pay me twice as much and I'll fill your club, all right?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53THEY FORCE LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- He was joking! He got you! - No, he got you too!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Classic!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Classic Crumbs.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07MUSIC: "Shake Senora" by Pitbull feat. T-Pain and Sean Paul
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Hey, Mrs T, you made it!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Wouldn't have missed it, dude.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Can't say I'm not a little upset.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45It's not easy being left by the only man you've ever loved.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48But that's cool, because I love to party!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- SHE SOBS - I just love to party!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Who are you?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06I'm Howard.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Who hired you?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Dan hired me.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oh, that is SO Dan!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Classy, isn't it, having a guy in the toilets?
0:13:17 > 0:13:22I'm Scott, co-owner of the hottest party in town.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So how did you end up here?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I used to drive cabs in town,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30but when my licence was taken away...
0:13:30 > 0:13:36Question. Since I already pay you, do I need to tip you?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- It's up to you.- OK.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44So listen, I'm not going to tip you, Howard,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46because there is a proud look in your eyes
0:13:46 > 0:13:48that tells me you don't want that.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Actually, I wouldn't mind.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I will tell you this, old friend...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58..I respect the hell out of you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You haven't even washed your hands!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yeah, but, you know, my cock's been in my trousers all day,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07protected from germs and dirt.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I haven't pissed on my hands cos I'm not a little boy any more.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13In fact, my hands are probably dirtier than my cock,
0:14:13 > 0:14:18so you'd be better off shaking my cock than you would shaking my hand!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I don't want to do that, Scott.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Yeah, well I'm not asking you to, Howard, I'm just making a point.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Amigo, what do you think of this? I call it a Mango Crazy...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42HE PUTS ON JAMAICAN ACCENT ..cos it'll make a man go crazy!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Has it got mango in it?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No. Shit, that's actually a much better idea.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Kev, Jesus, put some fucking mango in it, yeah?!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Have you seen Kate? I'm going to tell her how I feel
0:14:52 > 0:14:54and that we're going to make a life together.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58'Fraid not, Dansky, but look, look at this place!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I mean, sure, it's 2.45 and we've only got 15 minutes to go...
0:15:01 > 0:15:06HIS VOICE FADES OUT UNDER MUSIC ..but we made it happen, mate!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10MUSIC: "Don't Let The Dreamers Take You Away" by Delphic
0:15:10 > 0:15:14But he fucked around on Kate with Kate and now he's kissing Kate!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- I don't understand!- I'm sorry, mate.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Come on, let's make this a night we can't remember
0:15:22 > 0:15:26because we were so off our beautiful faces.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31This is just mango.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33MUSIC RESUMES
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Last passenger's just left the party train.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Destination - Hangoversville.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HE LAUGHS
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Mate, I'm sorry about Kate.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32We'll sling that dirty slapper out on her fat arse tomorrow.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34We're not firing her, Scott.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38If she wants a job, she's got one here.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41All right, you big softie!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Look after that vagina of yours, milady!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47THEY LAUGH
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I tell you what we need...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- coke and pills.- Some sleep.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I'm actually fine for coke and pills.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58How about a nice King Kong fuck-off brunch?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00See you there!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Sure.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Mate, we did it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13We just opened our very own super-club.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- We did, didn't we? - We actually did it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20We said we wanted to do it and we ended up doing it.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23This evening, that's what we actually did.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- I love you, man.- Me too.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Welcome to the big time, Mr Big Balls.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Mate, we did it. We...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I know! I'll see you there!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Fucking hell!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- I thought he'd never leave! - I can't believe that just happened.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- He can't find out. - God, no! And he won't!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Look, you were upset, I was upset, it was just a little BJ.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- It's all good... - Please don't say that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- ..and this will never happen again. - Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Just go and have a nice breakfast with Scottie!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Thanks, Mrs T.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22My main hombre!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Come for a cheeky carb-fest en route,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29so let's discuss Bamboo, AKA the future of Bamboo.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30You're my best mate, Scott.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Back at you, Commander.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36So I'm thinking a regular ladies' night is a must.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Us plus lady-girls equals Scott, smiley face!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'd never do anything to hurt you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Good.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Then there's gay night, exactly what it says on the tin, mate.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52You know, gays, Pet Shop Boys, PlayStation 3, most probably.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54This is going to happen.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Load up on the extra, a good time's had by all!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Then there's under-18s night, a different kettle of fish.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04The important thing to remember is that if they're 16,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06legally, we can still...