0:00:02 > 0:00:06'Some people are given gifts on their birthdays. This guy was born with a gift on the day of his birth.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10'Please put your hands together for the man who eats bees -
0:00:10 > 0:00:13'Mr Nick
0:00:13 > 0:00:19'He-e-e-elm!'
0:00:19 > 0:00:23HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:23 > 0:00:29This programme contains strong language
0:00:34 > 0:00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# I'm heavier than metal I'm heavier than steel
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# I'm heavy like an elephant that's eaten a big meal
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# I'm heavier than science I'm heavy like a whale
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# I'm heavy like a hammer as it drives upon a nail
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Think of something heavy I'm heavier than that
0:01:08 > 0:01:12# I'm heavy like a man who's lifting up a cat
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# I'm heavier than thunder I'm heavier than rain
0:01:16 > 0:01:20# I'm heavier than funky stuff So let me entertain
0:01:20 > 0:01:23# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment
0:01:23 > 0:01:27# There's so much of it that it is spilling on the pavement
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment
0:01:31 > 0:01:35# When you hear me coming, you'll be wondering where your brain went
0:01:35 > 0:01:38# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# If you want it changing We can come to an arrangement... #
0:01:57 > 0:02:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:40# ..It's inherently within me to do heavy entertainment
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment
0:02:43 > 0:02:47# Heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy entertainment
0:02:47 > 0:02:50# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment
0:02:50 > 0:02:51# It's the title of the show
0:02:51 > 0:02:55# If you were wondering what the sign meant. #
0:02:55 > 0:02:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Good evening, cock-suckers!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16AND gentlemen.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Are you all right? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Louder than that. Are you all right? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Louder than that. Are you all right? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Let's kick it in the dick!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Welcome to Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I am Nick Helm, and this is Heavy Entertainment.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39This is my one-man mission to bring back entertainment,
0:03:39 > 0:03:44so get ready to see the best thing you have ever seen with your eyes
0:03:44 > 0:03:48and hear the best thing you have ever heard with your ears!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50CHEERING
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Fucking answer me, mate!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Do you like jokes? - I do, yeah.- You're in luck, mate.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I got six of the pricks, let's do this.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Everyone's heard about my impressive sock collection -
0:04:16 > 0:04:19that's my big drawer!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LOUD BANG
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You're welcome!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27That joke works on two levels.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29First level - if I had an impressive sock collection,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32people would be queuing round the block to see it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Second level - where would I keep such a thing?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36In literally a massive drawer. Don't worry,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'll be explaining them all.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I've never been abroad.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I've always had a cock and balls.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LOUD BANG, GLASS SHATTERS
0:04:44 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Self-explanatory, innit, though?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53What d'you call an alcoholic wizard?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Merlot!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- LOUD BANGING - Oh, my God!
0:04:57 > 0:05:02I started with "merl" and worked backwards - mythical!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06What do you call a choc ice with a moustache?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Magnum PI!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10MACHINE-GUN FIRE
0:05:10 > 0:05:12MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:19 > 0:05:22MUSIC STOPS, MACHINE-GUN FIRE
0:05:23 > 0:05:27This is happening! Someone told me that joke doesn't work.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The only way to make that joke work is to say,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32what d'you call a choc ice with a stick in it?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Magnum PI. See if that works.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What do you call a choc ice with a stick in it?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Magnum PI.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Doesn't work, all right?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Mainly cos Tom Selleck never fucking walked round
0:05:43 > 0:05:44with a fucking stick in 'im.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The only way to make that joke work is to say,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50what d'you call a choc ice with a stick in it?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51A Magnum. That is just a fact.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56So, in future, keep your fucking opinions to yourself...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Mum.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03What did the shepherd's wife say to the shepherd?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- You HERD! Yes! - EXPLOSION
0:06:06 > 0:06:08MUSIC: "SOS" by Abba
0:06:11 > 0:06:13EXPLOSION
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Works on two levels.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19First level - he's a shepherd, that's what he does for a living,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22he herds. Second level - you can just imagine
0:06:22 > 0:06:25what a joyless fucking life he's had.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I had sex with a model the other day. A model village.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I was like a sexy Godzilla!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- EXPLOSION - And we're off!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Right, I'm on TV and I don't want to waste a moment of it,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47so without further ado,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50here is a list of all the people that have wronged me.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Tom Dugan, Phillip Franks, Tristan Billingswade,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Frederick Forsyth, Pete Chesterfield.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Pete Chesterfield - you said I was an idiot
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and that I would never amount to anything.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Well, I've got three cars, Pete,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and I can't even drive. Who's the idiot now?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It's you, Pete, you are the idiot.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Ian Christianson, you also said I was an idiot
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and I would never amount to anything.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Well, check out what I just said to Pete Chesterfield
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and apply that to yourself.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23You'll get a rough idea of what I would've said to you
0:07:23 > 0:07:25had you been number one on the list. And finally,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Sophie Fleming. If you're out there,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I hope that every day is filled with a trudging regret
0:07:31 > 0:07:33as you look at what you left behind
0:07:33 > 0:07:35and see what you ended up with,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and that not a moment goes by
0:07:37 > 0:07:38that you're either kicking yourself
0:07:38 > 0:07:41or at least thinking about kicking yourself
0:07:41 > 0:07:43because you are so frustrated with what you had
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and let slip through your fingers.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And when I say kicking yourself, I don't mean metaphorically.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I mean actually kicking yourself, hard in the leg,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53or maybe you can lean over and you can kick yourself in the arm.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Anyway, kicking yourself
0:07:54 > 0:07:59because of what you let slip through your fingers, this is all for you.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You're very friendly, aren't you?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- What's your name?- Piers.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Piers, Piers, Piers... Have you got piercings?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- I haven't.- I mean, that is the best I could come up with, but...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18You've got to allow it. I'm under considerable pressure, all right?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Yeah, yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- What's your name?- David. - Yeah, get out the way, David.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Right, I'm going to do a little poem for you.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Smile a smile
0:08:32 > 0:08:34As big as your face...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He's doing it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Smile a smile all over the place
0:08:45 > 0:08:48A smile is a gift That you give out to others
0:08:48 > 0:08:51From fathers and sisters To mothers and brothers
0:08:51 > 0:08:54From strangers and rangers And teachers and friends
0:08:54 > 0:08:59From ear to ear Turning up at the ends
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Smile out in public Or smile all alone
0:09:03 > 0:09:06But if you smile alone in public
0:09:06 > 0:09:08People WILL think you're mental.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You're not mental, are you, Piers?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- I'm not, no. - I'm going to let you live.
0:09:28 > 0:09:35So, Piers, what is your favourite soft drink?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- 7UP.- Whoa, just like that!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Straight out - 7UP. Why 7UP? Why not Sprite?
0:09:42 > 0:09:447UP seems more authentic.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:50How so, Piers?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It feels like they really care about the lemonade-y taste,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56whereas Sprite seems like they're just pumping it out,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59they're just pumping it out to people who'll just drink anything.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I mean, I've just got, like, a blanket understanding of everything,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07but you've specialised, so...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13No, that's really... That's really good.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Thanks.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Fanta.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Mine's Fanta, Piers.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29That's how you do it, innit?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I ask you a question and then you ask me a question back
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and then soon enough we become friends!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But it's all you, you, you, you, isn't it, Piers?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I've only known you two minutes
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and half that time you're going on about your fucking 7UP addiction.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Still, you got nice eyes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49This is a special joke just for you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52I had sex with a model the other day...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54This guy!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You're very welcome.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Right, on with the entertainment.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05What would a show like this be
0:11:05 > 0:11:10without some cutting-edge sketch humour? Nothing!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Nothing without sketch humour.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Everyone says, "You can't write sketch humour, Nick.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18"You're not a sketch man." Fuck all of you, right,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21cos I have written a fucking sketch and it's fucking amazing.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Hold that a minute.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Do you know what? It's actually more difficult getting dressed
0:11:36 > 0:11:39when there's 250 people watching you
0:11:39 > 0:11:41than at first you would imagine.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46HE LAUGHS FALSELY
0:11:57 > 0:11:59So, I said to the guy,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03"If you keep pulling on it like that, it's going to fall off."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05So what happened?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It fell off. Ohh.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Oh, my word, you are so funny.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13And I should know - after all,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17I am a highly respected brain doctor and bikini model.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20What the FORK!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24HE SIGHS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Oh, you are so strong and powerful, Nick,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and I don't know how any girl could resist you.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Who says they can?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What the KNIFE?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, waiter!
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Can we get a bottle of the Chardonnay '62, please?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Certainly, sir. And may I say
0:12:50 > 0:12:52what a remarkably handsome young man you are.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Thank you very much.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- I'll be right back with that wine. - WAY TO go.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Wh-What are you doing here?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Nick, I've come to say I'm sorry.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I'm sorry for leaving you and thinking that
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I could do better elsewhere - forward slash - cheating on you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26I want us to be together and for our souls to entwine once more
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and for us to grow old together
0:13:28 > 0:13:31and to produce babies as a manifestation of our undying love.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36And you were right about Sliding Doors, it IS a terrible film.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I mean, what were they thinking,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43casting John Hannah as a plausible romantic lead?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Your guess is as good as mine.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Why have you come back?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to rebuild it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- It's a bit late now, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You'd better just leave.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Take care of him.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I'm so sorry. I guess I'm not completely over her.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16I don't want to waste your time. I'm sorry, you'd better just go.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Curse you for always being right.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Your wine, sir.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Whoa, whoa, whoa... What's all this tears?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36They both left.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I don't know how anybody could leave you, Nick.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44I've only just met you, but I can honestly say
0:14:44 > 0:14:47you are the greatest man that's ever walked this earth.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Look at you,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53you glorious hero.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55This may be a little forward, Nick,
0:14:55 > 0:15:00but would you consider being godfather to my unborn child?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07What the SPOON?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12See, that's great, right?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Well, I can fucking do it. I wrote that!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I wrote that all by myself.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26I wrote that.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30So, yeah, I met a girl once, actually,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34whose favourite films were Sliding Doors and Armageddon.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39I just thought, "You'd better have only seen two fucking films!"
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Here, just hold that for a second, thanks.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Right, so, um...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00AUDIENCE GROANS THEN APPLAUDS
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yes, I'm going to do...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I'm going to do a little poem for you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Should be another fucking sound cue, shouldn't there?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19MUSIC: "Adagio For Strings, Op 11" by Samuel Barber
0:16:21 > 0:16:23This is called Please Don't Go.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Please don't go
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Please don't go
0:16:29 > 0:16:32If you go, I can't go on
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I won't go on
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I'll never make it through the night without you
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Please don't go
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Please don't go
0:16:42 > 0:16:44We've been together too long to throw all this away
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Eight years
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It was just beginning to get good
0:16:49 > 0:16:51If you leave me
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I will never, ever get over you
0:16:53 > 0:16:55No-one will ever replace you
0:16:55 > 0:16:57No-one will ever replace you for ages
0:16:57 > 0:16:59For ages and ages
0:16:59 > 0:17:00For months even
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I will literally not be able to replace you for months
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Don't go
0:17:04 > 0:17:06If you go I will gradually get over you
0:17:06 > 0:17:07And end up with someone else
0:17:07 > 0:17:10If you leave me, I will KILL MYSELF
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I probably won't kill myself
0:17:14 > 0:17:18But I will certainly feel pretty shit about it for a while
0:17:18 > 0:17:19I will put on weight
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Or I will lose some weight
0:17:21 > 0:17:23One or the other
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Or maybe I'll maintain my current weight
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Maybe that's how I'll deal with it this time
0:17:27 > 0:17:29By just maintaining my current weight
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I don't know what I'll do if you leave me
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Please don't go
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I'll do anything you want
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I will fill your bed with red roses
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Or rub the antiseptic cream on your back
0:17:37 > 0:17:39From all the thorn scratches you get when you get home late
0:17:39 > 0:17:42And fail to notice all the red roses in your bed
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I will go out on Fridays
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I will stay in on Saturdays
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I will stay in on Sundays
0:17:47 > 0:17:48I'll go out for a bit on Mondays
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Tuesday and Wednesdays vary
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Thursdays is mine, I thank you
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'll watch Sliding Doors with you I saw it the other day
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And it wasn't as bad as I remembered
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Once you get over John Hannah's eyebrows
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And that Spanish Inquisition sketch halfway through
0:18:01 > 0:18:03What the fuck were they thinking?!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I'll try harder to remember your friends' names
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Even the ones I haven't met Or you don't talk to any more
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Like Wendy
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I can't believe she got an abortion without telling Darren
0:18:11 > 0:18:13How the hell must've he felt about all that?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14I can literally only imagine
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I don't even know what their faces look like
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I will keep my stuff in a very specific, isolated area of the house
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Somewhere between the bedroom door and the bed
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Somewhere specifically out of sight and tucked away
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Say, in a bedside drawer
0:18:26 > 0:18:29That is the perfect place for all my stuff
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I will love all of your new haircuts
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Or at least give the impression I love them
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I'm sorry I screamed when I saw your new haircut
0:18:37 > 0:18:38It looks really good
0:18:38 > 0:18:43I just thought at first a stranger was invading our home
0:18:43 > 0:18:44I will listen to all of your problems
0:18:44 > 0:18:46And never try and solve them
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I will love you as much or as little as the situation requires
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I will not overreact when you tell me how many people you slept with
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Even though that number keeps increasing despite the fact
0:18:54 > 0:18:56That we've been going out with each other for eight years
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I am surrounded
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I am wrong
0:19:00 > 0:19:01You are right
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I am beaten
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I am unarmed
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I am defenceless
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You have won
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Please don't go.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Well...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I came here today
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and I looked at that
0:19:37 > 0:19:39and I shat myself.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46And today's been a fucking nightmare,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49so I guess the real lesson is, Piers,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52just be careful what you wish for, innit?
0:19:54 > 0:19:59I think that's what we're here for, just to learn, innit?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Today, that's what I'm here for. That's not what you're here for.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05You're here for a bit of fucking...bit of fun, innit?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09People say to me, "Why don't you just shave your back, Nick?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So, I was meant to do some props at the...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21You'll fit right in.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Checking out my bootie, that was another...
0:20:32 > 0:20:33HE MUMBLES
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- HORN TOOTS - That's just funny, innit?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Helm is other people.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It's a pun...
0:20:45 > 0:20:46..on hell is other people.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Came up with the title, they built the sign, it's in the show.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01The idea would be if it went to series, um, I would do...
0:21:05 > 0:21:10If it went to series, I'd do an impression every week, um,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14but I only know two impressions, one of them is Cary Grant
0:21:14 > 0:21:18and the other one is Tony Curtis doing an impression of Cary Grant.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And no-one that watches BBC Three
0:21:20 > 0:21:23even knows who the fuck Cary Grant is,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27and maybe that's what's wrong with the world!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Look at you just sitting there! You're not even watching
0:21:30 > 0:21:34because you're too busy tweeting! You're a fucking disgrace!
0:21:34 > 0:21:38You've got the remote control in one hand and your cock in the other!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41What's the point in any of this?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I mean, even this... I mean, you go, yeah, that's good.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I mean, it's slightly off centre, innit?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Still, not bad for a first attempt.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I mean, all I wanted to do was the best show
0:22:01 > 0:22:05that anyone had ever seen. That's all I wanted to do,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08just do the best show ever, and I couldn't even get that right!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I had sex with a model the other day, this guy!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- IMITATES EXPLOSION - This guy.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Pull yourself together, Piers.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Do you think we can save the show?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I think YOU can save the show.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03All right, I think WE can.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Every time I look into your face
0:23:35 > 0:23:39# Takes me high above To another place
0:23:39 > 0:23:41# Up above the birds and clouds and bees
0:23:41 > 0:23:44# Up above the butterflies and fleas
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# You make me feel like I can touch the moon
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# Rising like a helium balloon
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# Shining brighter than a shining star
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Speeding faster than a speeding car
0:23:55 > 0:23:58# I'm swelling up above into the sky
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# You help me spread my wings and learn to fly
0:24:01 > 0:24:03# Never knew a love like this before
0:24:03 > 0:24:07# You make me soar
0:24:07 > 0:24:10# Down below I see the fields
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# As I'm flying high above
0:24:13 > 0:24:15# On the love you make me feel
0:24:15 > 0:24:19# You make me soar
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# You make me weep with pure desire
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# I'm so tender to your touch
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# Spread my wings and I take flight
0:24:27 > 0:24:31# Now I'm all alone because you've gone
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# Something deep within me feels all wrong
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# I was unprotected to your touch
0:24:36 > 0:24:39# Didn't think I'd feel your touch so much
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# Now you've gone I've crashed back to the floor
0:24:41 > 0:24:44# I've been feeling delicate and raw
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# Never, ever felt this way before
0:24:47 > 0:24:51# You make me soar!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# On my manhood I do swear
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# When I'm flying high with you
0:24:57 > 0:24:59# You can take me anywhere
0:24:59 > 0:25:02# You make me soar
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# Deep inside I hold you close
0:25:05 > 0:25:07# All the glory of our love
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# Is the thing that I feel most
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# You make me soar
0:25:13 > 0:25:18# Like an eagle or a seagull
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# You make me soar
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# You make me, you make me
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# You make me, you make me
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# You make me soar You make me soar
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# You make me soar
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# You make me soar
0:25:35 > 0:25:37# You make me soar
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# You make me soar You make me soar
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# You make me soar
0:25:43 > 0:25:48# You make me, you make me You make me, you make me
0:25:48 > 0:25:49# You make me soar
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# You make me soar
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# You make me soar
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# You make me soar
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# You make me soar
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# You make me soar
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# You make me soar
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# You make me soar
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# You're the wind beneath my wings... #
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Now, Piers!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14GONG CRASHES
0:26:14 > 0:26:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Let's hear it for Piers!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I've been Nick Helm. Thank you very much, good night!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd