0:00:03 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Welcome to The Committee Meeting! At tonight's meeting we have
0:00:08 > 0:00:10pop and crisps,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12speaking in turn,
0:00:12 > 0:00:13special guest, Colin Baker,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15and tube lighting.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19This is a meeting and you are the members.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Welcome to The Committee Meeting.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23And chairing tonight's meeting,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25it's everyone's favourite chairman,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28it's Chairman of the Club, Mr Chairman!
0:00:29 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hurray!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Welcome!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Welcome to The Committee Meeting!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Who's ready for the bell of authority?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Who's ready to vote on things associated with Club business?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Who came to the last meeting? Yeah!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Kayleigh Goodhand there, our minute-taker.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00What have you got for us so far, Kayleigh?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Mr Chairman arrives, striding majestically through the club,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06his posture uncompromised by the fact that his flies are unzipped,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07but no-one has told him.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And I'll be damned if I've got the self-confidence to tell him,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13and I'll be damned if I'm going to complain!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Thank you, Kayleigh!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18That's really lovely, Kayleigh.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Just remember, just try and keep it brief and neutral.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24A furious telling off from Mr Chairman left me wracked with guilt
0:01:24 > 0:01:25and self-doubt.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29His face, burning red like an angry tomato
0:01:29 > 0:01:30in a salad of disappointment.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Right, now coming up later we've got our special guest, Mr Colin Baker.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40But let's get going. It's time for the first item on the agenda,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43that is the arrival of lifelong caretaker of the club,
0:01:43 > 0:01:48deluded Marxist and health and safety obsessive, Mr Rex Jones!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Oh, hello! Ah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52All right?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Look at this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Look at this!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I mean the club is red hot, it's buzzing!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's like watching snooker on a colour television
0:02:04 > 0:02:05for the first time, all over again.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'm about to get a joy migraine, Mr Chairman, it's so exciting!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Finally, new members!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12A bit of fresh blood has been injected into the club.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Look at you there.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Young people, I don't understand you,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17drinking your ridiculous drinks.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Back in my day you see, WKD stood for World Kidney Day,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23raising awareness.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Now it's just a short cut to hedonism, isn't it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And you know young people, I bet you're king of the youth club
0:02:29 > 0:02:33in your bell-bottoms and cardigan there, fantastic!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34And some not so young!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I bet you're as angry with decimalisation as I am, yes?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42If you don't understand the logic behind 240 pennies in a pound,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44you don't deserve your own money,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46that's what I've always said. Good to see you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Hey, listen. What have you done to your eye?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oh, er, minor little DIY accident.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53No, what was it?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Nail gun.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57And are you going to be all right?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Spot of TCP, I'll be absolutely right as rain, Mr Chairman.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04See, these days, most people would call an injuries lawyer,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07but back in my day you'd put a nail through the retina
0:03:07 > 0:03:09down to experience.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Eh, you don't make that mistake twice, let me tell you!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's just not like you - a man so obsessed with health and safety.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I'm not obsessed, Mr Chairman, I'm just careful.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20You ruined last Friday's pool competition.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:33And we've not had an injury since, Mr Chairman.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I stand by it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Come on, let's go and see what's on our first item on the agenda.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45It's the suggestion that, "during the club's belly dancing classes,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"participants should wear modesty capes."
0:03:49 > 0:03:55And the proposer is Rex Jones. So, er, what's all this about?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You know me, Mr Chairman. I am far from a prude, but the sight
0:03:58 > 0:04:03of any exposed human flesh will and does give me a panic attack.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08OK. You know, I mean the downside is that, as a result,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Mrs Rex and I are tragically childless.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12But, er...
0:04:13 > 0:04:17The upside is that she can knit literally anything.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21She knitted an Arc de Triomphe for the porch the other week.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It's an incredible thing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26All right, well, look, let's put it to the vote then, Members.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30All those in favour of modesty capes being worn... Mr Chairman?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Mr Chairman!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Oh, look who it is.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It's Rex's estranged brother, from the Conservative Club!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Rex.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Vernon.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41What do you want, Vernon?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'm trying to run a committee meeting here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Mr Chairman, it has come to my notice that you are to be hosting
0:04:46 > 0:04:48a celebrity guest this evening.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yes, yes, we are.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Well, it is my solemn duty to remind you that rule 371,
0:04:55 > 0:05:00subsection D, paragraph 4 of the village's 1982 Social Club Act,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04clearly states that, "in the event of a celebrity visit,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09"both clubs should have the opportunity to persuade or tempt
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"the star guest to their own premises, thus providing
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"residents with an equal opportunity to be starstruck."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Who the hell wrote that?!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Er, interesting story.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I did. Um... What did you write that for?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27We'd been negotiating for 39 hours straight,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Mr Chairman! I was very, very tired!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Boutros Boutros-Ghali had walked out, and it was him
0:05:32 > 0:05:35who'd tabled the original motion.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I was shattered!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And as such, I would ask you, Mr Chairman, whether this guest
0:05:39 > 0:05:42has been given the choice of which club he would like to visit?
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Does he, for example, know what is available at the Conservative Club?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48No, I doubt it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50The Jeremy Clarkson Car Park!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, come on!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The George Osborne central heating system!
0:05:55 > 0:05:56AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58The Boris Johnson bicycle shed!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02The wasabi peas? AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04All right, that's enough.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You've annoyed the members so much they're booing peas, for God's sake!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11In that case, Mr Chairman, I demand the opportunity to put to the guest
0:06:11 > 0:06:16said benefits of my club over this damp-infested museum of drab.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Steady on!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20I shall return.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Cheerio!
0:06:24 > 0:06:25AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Honestly! He doesn't know what he's talking about,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Nothing ever happens."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I mean, last week, we thought there was a poltergeist.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Is there anybody there?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Please, make a noise.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Make a loud noise.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Argh! Argh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Argh! Argh! What is it? What?! What?! What?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51That is a direct contravention
0:06:51 > 0:06:53of the Health and Safety at Work Act, 1974,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56that "all supporting structures should be fit for purpose."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59For God's sake, Rex! Can you not take your mind off the day-to-day
0:06:59 > 0:07:01running of the club and help me find a poltergeist?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04What is the matter with you?! Look at the state on that.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05For BLEEP's sake! Oh, who put that up?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Never mind who put it up!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I mean, in retrospect, it was a lot of fuss over nothing,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11but I stand by my original panic.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14All right, fair enough. Well, look, back to the agenda.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Members, all those who are in favour of modesty capes being worn
0:07:18 > 0:07:21during belly dancing classes, say "censorship."
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Censorship.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And all those against, say "Live and let live!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:27AUDIENCE: Live and let live!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32That's actually closer than I thought it was going to be.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I was quite pleased with that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37And unfortunately, that's a motion denied there, Rex, I'm afraid.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Kayleigh, if you could just jot that down now, that would be great.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43The crowd groaned as the decision fell like an anvil
0:07:43 > 0:07:47of disappointment on the repressed. Me? I loved it!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Kayleigh? Kayleigh, that's great.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Just remember, keep it neutral.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Mr Chairman, brutal in his put- downs, picked up my confidence
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and smashed it into the rocks like an emotionless fisherman,
0:08:01 > 0:08:06dashing the life out of a gullible mackerel, drowned in salty misery!
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Next item on the agenda is, er, let's have a look what it is.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, it's your new Health and Safety video, Rex. Yes.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Oh, you've had some crackers as well, over the years, haven't you?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Certainly have.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"The myth of the shatter-proof ruler - a wolf in sheep's clothing."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Two long years in the making.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yeah. "Urine - curing an earache on a budget."
0:08:27 > 0:08:30The critics never liked it, but it did the trick.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This is my favourite, "Blu-Tack: a warning from history." Oh, yes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37We used the same script writer as on Nutty Professor 2, The Klumps.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He hadn't worked for years, bless him.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Here's some more great advice from Rex Jones to help keep you safe
0:08:46 > 0:08:47in your daily life.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I am the spirit of dangerous clothing.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I live in your drawers.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03That polo-neck jumper looks warm,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05comfy, safe.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Oh, that's a lovely-looking jumper.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09But it isn't. It's the wrong size.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh, no! Oh, God!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13The man trying it on is a fool.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Argh!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Careless. Or maybe he was just bold.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19He hadn't checked the label.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Oh, it's too tight. I can't breathe!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Argh, my life has been screwed-up by an analytic roll-neck.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28But he thought he could get dressed on his own...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Choking now!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31..without help.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Oh, I couldn't have foreseen this, dying!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He was wrong. Don't be a show-off.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Always read the label before getting dressed.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Remember, check neck and pull.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Brought to you by the Cardigan Advisory Bureau.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Best one yet. Thank you.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Solve the small problems,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57such as jumpers with necks that are too tight,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01and the big problems will look after themselves.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Not my words, the words of Yasser Arafat.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well, maybe it was Ariel Sharon that told him, I don't know,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12it's very muddy, but listen, I've just realised that Colin
0:10:12 > 0:10:15hasn't seen the video, so I'd better nip off and explain it to him.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Right. OK, fine. Righto, OK. Cheerio.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20A quick bit of club news, members.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Rex has asked me to point out he's put up a new cork board
0:10:22 > 0:10:25in the lounge and he's said, if you could try and use
0:10:25 > 0:10:28the drawing pin holes that are already there,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31when you're putting stuff up, it'll just help on wear and tear.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32He'll be really grateful.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Hey, whoa! What are you doing to me?!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Reading out the news like that, in front of my face.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38You're disrespecting me, it's unbelievable!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40No, I wasn't, it wasn't news, it's just a bit of club business.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Ladies and gentlemen, members, it's Steve News, Rex's nephew.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47He reads the village news!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Aw! Are you all right?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51No. Yes. I don't know.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Why are you asking me this? What's wrong with you?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Want to do the village news now?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, yeah, of course I do, because like, news is my life,
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I want to be a newsreader,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01because like, when you're from the tough streets of Wales,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03like, being a newsreader is like your only escape route.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Because I'm a wilting flower
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and I need the photosynthesis of current affairs.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11So why don't you, look, as there's a whole load of new members here
0:11:11 > 0:11:14tonight, why don't you tell them why you want to be a newsreader so much?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Because it's like the best job of all time.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Have you see the MTV Cribs with Huw Edwards on it, right?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He's got this lush house in Llanelli, right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23He's got, like, a Jacuzzi, he's got like a shark tank
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and he's got all these birds and a shark tank, and they're all naked
0:11:26 > 0:11:29and he's like, Huw Edwards is banging all the birds, like that.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31He was so brilliant when he were doing commentary
0:11:31 > 0:11:33on like the Olympic opening ceremony,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36he was like, "Yeah, wasn't Trevor Nelson woefully out of his depth?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38And they were like, "Yeah, you are" as he told
0:11:38 > 0:11:40quite a boring anecdote about his cousin being involved.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And he was like, "Yeah, you don't get any of that with me, do you?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"You're the best, I love the gravity of your amazing accent."
0:11:46 > 0:11:48He's like, "Yeah!" And all the sharks, they're loving it,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51they're like getting all turned on and like battering against the glass
0:11:51 > 0:11:54of the shark tank, and he's like, "Yeah, whatever, shark!"
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And then he goes in like a steam room, right?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57And he's got like,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00there's like a second 11 of birds in the steam room.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03So he walks in, kimono on, big dragon on the back, right?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And he's like "All right?"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08And I go, "Oh! You're giving us a bit of attention are you now, Huw?"
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And they're taking off their dressing gowns,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13like Marks Spencer, and you know, like, whatever.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15So one of them sidles up to him, like,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Is there anything you don't know about news?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:20He's like, "Test me, then, test me!" And she's like, "OK,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"who's Shadow Secretary of State for Work and Pensions?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:25"That's Liam Byrne. Ask me a difficult one!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And she's like, "Oh, OK then, this will catch you out!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"Who's Shadow Secretary of State for Education?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He's like, "Stephen Twigg!"
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"Just remember I was covering the reshuffle!"
0:12:33 > 0:12:34She was like, "Oh, yeah, I'm so stupid."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37This other girl's like, "Oh, give me a bit of Huw Edwards!"
0:12:37 > 0:12:38He's like, "Oh, come on, then."
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So that one just walks off, she's gutted, right?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And she's like, "Oh, who's Speaker of the House of Commons?"
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He's like, "I could go back as far as Betty Boothroyd if you want."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"Oh, yeah, yeah." So yeah, I'm watching that
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and I'm skinning up at home thinking,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"That's what I want to do with my life, just what I want to do, like."
0:12:52 > 0:12:55That's what I want to be, I want to be a newsreader, yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Right, are you sure that was Huw Edwards?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Oh.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02No, hold on.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05That was Jay-Z.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Huw Edwards' house is shit.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It's just full of books.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15All right, well, listen, as Steve News tonight,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18would you like to read the news from a desk, like a proper newsreader?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Oh, yeah, like your desk there? Yeah, that would be amazing.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'm just going to come and sit next to you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26What, like you're sort of Rory Cellan-Jones, the technology expert?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29No, I'm just going to make sure it's all going to go OK. Fair enough.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Just check that, you know, your stories are appropriate. Yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Right, OK, well, are you ready?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Huw Edwards has got loads of birds under the desk, like,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and he's like...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So there's your camera. OK. All right, so are you ready? Yeah.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Ladies and gentlemen, Steve News doing the Village News!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Thanks, Chris.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Mark Leaf from town was told off by his mother for forgetting
0:13:56 > 0:13:57his boot bag on the bus,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and she was angry because it was a birthday present
0:14:00 > 0:14:02and they're more expensive now than they were then,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05because the shop had just opened and it was a special offer.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09In other news, there was great celebration in the village today
0:14:09 > 0:14:11when Dinger was given a kitten after being banned for six months
0:14:11 > 0:14:13from having pets, because last Bonfire Night
0:14:13 > 0:14:17he strapped a frog to a firework and just fired it into a tree.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Move on, Steve.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20But within a hundred yards of here,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23rural peace was shattered on Saturday night, when Darren Flaps
0:14:23 > 0:14:26attacked his friend Gofer for riding his bike over his tent.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31The defendant spoke only to confirm that his name was Darren Flaps,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and that and that his address was a tent
0:14:33 > 0:14:35when questioned by Tony the campsite manager
0:14:35 > 0:14:37whilst Gofer was having his nose reset by Craig,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41who plays rugby for the school, he's just done it loads of times.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42All right. Hang on.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47What are you doing? I'm just getting a bit of breaking news, innit?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What, are you wearing an earpiece? No.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's just breaking news in my mind.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54All right, cool. Can I do a bit of breaking news?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56We've got quite a lot to get through, can we...?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Oh, come on, we've got to do it! This is news. It's happening. It's already all over Twitter,
0:15:00 > 0:15:01You going to let me do the news or not?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It's breaking news, a proper scoop.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Is this next story appropriate for audience?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08100%.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10On my mother's life.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You don't know who your mother is, Steve.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I'm trusting you. I swear to you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16I swear to you.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21OK. OK. There's your camera.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Director's having a go at me now
0:15:22 > 0:15:25because he took ages to make a decision.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Cheers.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30The world of education was rocked today,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32because during lunchtime, my friend Tez, he proved that
0:15:32 > 0:15:35he can make himself sick whenever he wants to,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38and he's been suspended for wiping spew on a lollipop lady's jacket.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39No, move on, move on Steve. Move on.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43And he's a virgin, because his wang is tapered at the end.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46That's enough, that's enough! Steve News did the village news!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Come on.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Well done, well done.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Well done, that was really good. I loved it.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58That was really good, well done. I really loved it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01That was great. Listen, I'm not an emotional man,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03but I just want to take this opportunity to thank you
0:16:03 > 0:16:06just for letting me do the news from the desk like a proper newsreader
0:16:06 > 0:16:07in front of all the members.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I just want to, I just want to thank you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Thank you very much.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Ah, pleasure, mate. The Club and the Members believe in you.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Cheers. Thank you.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Thank you. Well done.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I'm telling my father he touched me! LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Right, without any further ado, I think
0:16:22 > 0:16:25it's time we got our guest out. What do you think, Members?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Ready for the greatest showbiz moment this club's ever had?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Please go crazy and welcome to the Committee Meeting,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34the absolutely wonderful...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Mr Chairman, could you read this out? What?!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Please, it's very important. What are you doing?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Could you read that out?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Your eye's got better. Yes, it has improved, hasn't it? Yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Look at that. Not even bloodshot.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'm like Wolverine.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:55"Could all members please refrain from using the hand-dryer
0:16:55 > 0:16:56"in the ladies' toilet,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00"as it is on the adjoining wall to the committee room
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"and may spoil the greatest showbiz moment this club has ever had."
0:17:04 > 0:17:07You've just done that!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Oh, better safe than sorry.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Don't worry, I'll do it again. It'll be fine, it'll be fine.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. OK.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Right, without any further ado, I think
0:17:14 > 0:17:17it's time we got our guest out. What do you think, Members?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18AUDIENCE: Yay!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Are you ready for the greatest showbiz moment this club has ever had? Yeah!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Please welcome to the Committee Meeting, Doctor Who himself ...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Mr Chairman, Mr Chairman... Fuck off! Sorry!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Colin Baker!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33It's Colin Baker!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34MUSIC: Theme from "Doctor Who"
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, my God, the bins are on fire!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Ah, it's Colin Baker, ladies and gentlemen.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That is a proper celebrity!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50In Wales!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Of all places. Welcome.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53An honour, Mr Chairman, an honour.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Ever get nervous in front of audiences?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Because you've been doing theatre and acting for many a year,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01or are you superstitious? Because this is all very new to us.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Well, not nervous now, because this lot look very friendly,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06but certainly the beginning of my career
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I used to have one very strange superstition.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I decided that the first pair of knickers I ever wore on my
0:18:12 > 0:18:17first night as an actor must have been lucky, because I survived it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20So I used to wear them on first nights for many years,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23until they fell apart, my paisley knickers.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26The only time I had difficulty is when I was doing a play
0:18:26 > 0:18:29when I started off with no clothes on at all.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33So I had the knickers in the bed with me.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, hello. That's that sorted. Smoker, are you?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh. Hello. Good to meet you.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Rex, have you met Colin? Yes, yes, yes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Well, the interesting thing is that I'm actually a friend of the family.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Are you? I used to drink with your grandfather, at his club.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Did you? Yes, I did. Em, what was your grandfather's name again?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51John.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53John. John Baker. JB. Good old JB.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Oh, what a man!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, he was a real story-teller, a fable-monger.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Oh, we used to love him at this club.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I remember once, he, er, we'd had a couple of pints...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12He told me this story because his wife, your grandmother,
0:19:12 > 0:19:13what was her name again? Lottie.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Good old Lottie, yeah. Good old Lottie.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17She needed some steak mince,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20because she needed to make some chilli con carne
0:19:20 > 0:19:21or spaghetti bolognese or something,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I don't know which one, I've tasted neither.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But she'd sent him into town to buy some steak mince,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32so she'd written the word "steak mince" on a Post-it note,
0:19:32 > 0:19:33and he had it in his top pocket.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Pocket!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Anyway, he was a man on a mission, so he walked right into town
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and he went right up to the meat counter in the supermarket
0:19:41 > 0:19:43and he said, "Some steak mince, please."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46And she said, "We haven't got any, we've only got beef mince."
0:19:46 > 0:19:50And he said, "Well it's steak mince I need, steak mince I'll have."
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And she said, "We haven't got any. Why don't you have some beef mince?"
0:19:52 > 0:19:54And he went, "But it's steak mince I need."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56She said, "No, no, it's fine. It's fine."
0:19:56 > 0:20:00"Buy the beef mince, because it will taste exactly the same."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And he said, "Will it?"
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And she said, "It will."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And he bought it, and it did!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What a story.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Mr Chairman. Mr Chairman!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh! He's back.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20This is Vernon, who's caretaker of the Conservative Club.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Right, what do you want, Vernon?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Well, empowered by the 1982 Social Club Act,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I am here to put to your guest, Mr Baker,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31that an evening in the Conservative Club is
0:20:31 > 0:20:34infinitely superior to contracting Weil's Disease in this place.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Ah, come on, the thing is, Colin,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39he is constitutionally allowed to do this, so just hear him out,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42he'll do a presentation and at the end of it you can choose whether
0:20:42 > 0:20:45you want to stay with us in this club or go with Vernon
0:20:45 > 0:20:47to the Conservative Club. So just hear him out.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Mr Baker, a short presentation to extol the virtues
0:20:50 > 0:20:52of the Conservative Club.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54DOCTOR WHO THEME BEGINS
0:20:54 > 0:20:58# Conservative Club Conservative Club
0:20:58 > 0:21:01# Conservative Club Conservative Club, Conservative
0:21:01 > 0:21:06# The Conservative Club has stuff for you!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Free Daily Mails and a petting zoo
0:21:11 > 0:21:14# Olives and port, no human rights court
0:21:14 > 0:21:16# Privatisation The game of Frustration
0:21:16 > 0:21:21# The Conservative Club has things to see!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27# A Michael Gove jigsaw for the bourgeoisie
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# Nothing for free Some pot pourri
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# Pay and display Longer working days
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# The Conservative Club
0:21:34 > 0:21:38# The Conservative Club. #
0:21:38 > 0:21:40The Conservative Club.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43AUDIENCE BOOS
0:21:52 > 0:21:54All right Colin, you can make your choice,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57it's absolutely up to you, do you want to stay in this club
0:21:57 > 0:21:59or go with Vernon to the Conservative Club? It's up to you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Well, clear off!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02CHEERING
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Hurray! Ah, the right decision. Well done, Colin. Well done.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Well done. I like it here!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yeah, good. Nice class of member. Cheerio.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12AUDIENCE BOOS
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Right, well, we've got a little bit of time for a few questions
0:22:15 > 0:22:17from the floor, from members.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I know I've got one from Moira Jenkins who's a big Doctor Who fan.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Where's Moira?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, right, yes. Oh, she's gone. She's had to nip out.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Oh, right. CAR HORN BEEPS?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27That's Moira, yeah.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29She's in the car park? She's in the car park.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31There's something very important so I've had a word with her -
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I think she's going to shout her question from the car.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Ah, no problem at all. OK, Are you there Moira? Yes!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39OK, are you sure you don't want to come in?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42No, my car's parked on double yellows.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44OK, ask your question.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46All right, Colin, answer me this -
0:22:46 > 0:22:50who would win in a fight between a Dalek and a Cyberman?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Hmm, well, in my day it would have been the Cybermen
0:22:54 > 0:22:56because the daleks couldn't move very fast
0:22:56 > 0:22:59so the Cyberman could jump on them I suppose.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Yeah, of course.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Nowadays Daleks can fly so probably they'd win.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Yeah. Which do you prefer? Well, the thing is I would have
0:23:08 > 0:23:10thought that actually... Oh, my God, I'm being booked!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Thank you, Moira.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16She got a parking ticket. They're like bloody vultures round here.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Oh, so sorry, poor Moira. We can't let you go without
0:23:19 > 0:23:21asking you about I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here
0:23:21 > 0:23:23because of course you were on that, was that good fun?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Did you genuinely enjoy that? Er, enjoy is not perhaps the right word
0:23:27 > 0:23:29but I'm glad I did it. Yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31But it was very boring.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Was he much of a conversationalist, Eric Bristow?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Eric was a good lad, I liked Eric, yeah, we got on really well.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39And I lost a bit of weight, which it can't be a bad thing.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Well, it can't be a bad thing, but I do notice, on that food point,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44you didn't eat anything nasty in a Bushtucker Trial.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Not in a Bushtucker Trial,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48but the food they gave us, you didn't always get nice food.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Right, well, in the spirit of eating stuff then,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53right, we've got a little Bushtucker Trial for you...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Oh, no.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58..because we want you to eat
0:23:58 > 0:24:00some Battenberg,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02but it's more a test of your acting skills -
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I want you to eat it imagining that
0:24:04 > 0:24:06it's a kangaroo's anus.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:10OK.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12All right, thank you very much.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Do I have to swallow it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yes. It is just Battenberg, Colin.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I was in character then!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Oh, sorry, somebody's got drama GNVQ!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Right, here we go. Here we go.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Kangaroo's anus... Yes, please.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Well done, Colin.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38CHEERING
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Colin Baker eating Battenberg anus!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Well done, Colin, that was brilliant.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Eh, Rex, do you want a crack? Oh, yes, go on, then.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48OK, here we go.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Right then, this is a...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53So, it's kangaroo anus. Kangaroo anus.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Right you are, OK, off we go.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57One, two, three...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Oh, no, thank you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:04OK, now it's Battenberg.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I've never liked marzipan myself no, no.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Oh? And this is playing havoc with my type two diabetes, erm...
0:25:12 > 0:25:13It's anus again.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Oh, very disagreeable. No, thank you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Battenberg. Yeah, too sweet, too sweet.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Rex Jones there - Battenberg anus.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I ate all of mine.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Thanks, Colin. Well, that's pretty much all we've got time for today.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Thank you very much Colin.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:37And also I'd just like to give a little special thank you...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Oh, sorry. That's OK. Er, Roger, what are you doing?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm trying to finish the Committee Meeting.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'm running a belly dancing class, aren't I?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53which should have started two minutes ago, yes, so you're on my time now.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Yeah, well that is true. We need to crack on, OK,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59because belly buttons don't dance themselves, do they, hmm?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02OK? So ... That is true. That is... Get in your kit, please.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05OK, well I'll just wrap up, Rog, and then we'll be with you.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No, kit. Can you kit? you're an experienced,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09albeit incompetent, member of this class.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You need to be leading by example.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I'm starting to doubt you'd not want to go pro.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16No, don't get me wrong, I really, I really want to be involved,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18but I ... But this is level two. I know.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Level two belly dancing, which is the same as level one,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22but we make the room smell of Moroccan spice.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Although I couldn't find that so it's oregano,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26so tonight it will smell of pizza, but nonetheless...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28All right, belly dancing time, so let's go.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31No, no, I've got to finish this off. Use Colin. What?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34No, no... He'll be fine. Are you trained? Well, I've got a belly.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Fine, you'll do. The outies are going to be here any minute, so quickly.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Over there please. Let's have the music on please and we'll get set up.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I'll be there now, watch. Listen, thanks very much.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Thanks to Rex for setting up the meeting.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Thanks to Steve News for doing the village news.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Thanks, thanks to Vernon.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Thanks to Mr Colin Baker.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53CHEERING
0:26:53 > 0:26:56And thanks you to you, the new members of the Committee Meeting.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Thanks for coming, Please come again.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01And also a huge thanks for our minute-taker, Kayleigh.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Now I'd better go and get involved, otherwise I'll get into
0:27:03 > 0:27:06terrible trouble with Roger, so just two secs.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Sorry Roger, I'm with you now. I'm with you.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm just ...
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Front shimmy.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Front shimmy, I want to see those nipples tickle the carpet.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Front shimmy.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20That's it, wiggle those bellies,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23remember you're telling a story with your abdomen. Wiggle that belly.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Side shimmy, side shimmy to the left.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29We're doing a shimmy to the right next week,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32so if you hit a wall, just rotate 180 degrees.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Keep going round. That's it.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Throw an arm in the air, throw some stars.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Throw some stars. Some stars ...
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Spray your Moroccan lover with armpit sweat.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Hip, punch. Hip, punch.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53The opposite hip feels as if it's coming loose.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Hip, punch...