0:00:02 > 0:00:05Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- Right. Over here...- I lived here two years ago, Geoff, we did this then.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- Yes, but this little baby is brand new.- Ooh, a tumble dryer?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16It will shrink your clothes.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Then why have you got it?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Tenants! Never satisfied.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22There was a previous guy who kept moaning about how people
0:00:22 > 0:00:24can see you on the toilet from the street!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I've never had a problem when I'm in there.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28If anything, people actively look away.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30But he wouldn't let it go. Moan, moan, moan.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- That was you, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- Do you still want me to get it sorted?- Yeah, if you could.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Or you could sit round the other way!- I'm not going to
0:00:37 > 0:00:38ride the toilet like a jockey!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Fine. I'll get it sorted.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Right. Next up, why there isn't a garage.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Coat stand. Can't support a duffel.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Very modern.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58That's not how I sleep.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01You've had a bed delivered that doesn't fit through the door.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's all coming back now. Moan, moan, moan.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Fine. I'll be back later in the week, we'll whip those legs off.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Whilst you're at it, can you fix the lights as well?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10They've stopped working again.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I know! That's why I gave you all lava lamps.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I can't read by lava lamp. I'm not Pink Floyd.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Look, try the light switch, it isn't working.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Yes, it is.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24OK, the LIGHT isn't working. I'm not just in it for the clicking.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Have you tried clapping?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Have we got one of those?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33No, you haven't got one of those.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Look, Geoff, I need lighting options.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I don't want to brag, but I've just texted a guy,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and I am pretty confident that, after a few dates,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44he may want to come back here and sleep in my bed.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48With me in it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I understand.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Playa.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58So, how are things going with your fiance?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh! Back on the dating scene?
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Young man, on the Facebook, I expect you get loads of action.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11You know me, Geoff, always on the lookout.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yeah, like the old days!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15The boys, and the girl, are back!
0:02:15 > 0:02:20You three ever want to make it a foursome, I'm up for hanging out.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29So...next on the tour... the burglar alarm!
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Quite simple - the code is my birthday.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I don't know your birthday. You're my landlord.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38If it helps, it's one month to the day
0:02:38 > 0:02:42after Rachel Stevens released Sweet Dreams My LA Ex.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That would barely help Rachel Stevens.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Right. 1-5-1-0.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53And now, we leave the house calmly.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Go on.- I think I can do it on the night!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Practice makes perfect! Come on, everyone, chop chop!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03And you!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Calmly!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Just turning the light off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Oh, sticky door - that's on the list, don't worry.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Thank you very much. Out we go.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19One at a time. Bit quicker than that next time.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Well done, team. All present.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Now, who's got the key?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33MUSIC PLAYS
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She looks dead! I'd forgotten she could fall asleep like that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Yeah. Do you remember this?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42PHONE PINGS
0:03:42 > 0:03:44SHE GASPS
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Knob.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48See, I've missed this! Night one of the guys back together!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Wonderful(!)
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Somebody's in a bad mood.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- No I'm not.- Still no text?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- No.- Aww.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He must find you very plain.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02It's not that he hasn't replied, it's this bloody thing.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05He's been drafting a text for over a day.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I can see you writing. Press send, you prick!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yeah, I miss when I was a teenager and had a Nokia
0:04:11 > 0:04:13and never knew if anyone was texting me.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I've seen pictures of you as a teenager -
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- no-one was texting you. - Yes, they were!- Still the dots!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I need to de-stress. I'm going to Zumba.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Oh, what? Oh come on, Kate.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, well, lads' night it is.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Ahhh.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Yeah, about that - listen, um...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- I have a date.- Oh, come on.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Sorry, mate, it's been in the diary for ages.- Who is she?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40I met her in the shop this morning.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45We grabbed the same melon, and the rest, as they say, is history.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47So we'll do something tomorrow night. I promise.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- What am I meant to do tonight? - I dunno. Go to the pub?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- I'm not going to the pub on my own. - Well, hang out here, then.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Geoff's coming round to look at the boiler, you can chat to him.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Pint of ale, please. - Yeah, no worries.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Kitchen's closed, sorry.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Oh, no, I'm not hungry, I just like to read things
0:05:06 > 0:05:09to pass the time. It's like when you're on the toilet.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The things I could tell you about Toilet Duck.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Did you know it's safer to eat you dinner off my toilet seat
0:05:16 > 0:05:17than it is off a kitchen plate?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Why are you telling me this?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I...don't know.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Thank you.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Drinking alone?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, I'm not "drinking alone".
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Well, you are. - No, I had to get out of the house.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36My annoying landlord is coming around.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38My mate should be here, but he's seeing some girl
0:05:38 > 0:05:40he met at the greengrocer's.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43At least he had a good, definitely not made up, excuse.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And is he your only friend?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48No, I've got loads of friends.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51There's Kate, but she's de-stressing at Zumba, and...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- MESSAGE ALERT - See?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Dominos.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Yeah. Old...Dave Dominos. We play dominoes together.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You play dominoes?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Yep.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08With a man called Dave Dominos?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Yep.- And you do this so often
0:06:10 > 0:06:14that you just saved his name as "Dominos" in your phone?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19You're not one of those lone weirdos you read about in the news?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Don't take this the wrong way,
0:06:21 > 0:06:25but have you ever killed a prostitute in a lay-by?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It was more of a slip road, actually.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yeah, you don't know her well enough to suggest you killed a prostitute.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35She definitely thinks I'm a psycho.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Still drafting?! Who drafts a text for almost 48 hours?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Well, you do.- Yes, but I know that you draft in notes
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and then copy it in. Everyone knows that.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Look, I drafted and redrafted when I texted him.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Fancy a drink?" became "Fancy a tipple?"
0:06:49 > 0:06:54which became "Tipple time?" which became "Two flagons, barkeep?"
0:06:54 > 0:06:56which went back to "Tipple time?"
0:06:56 > 0:07:00which became "Don't want to WINE, but would a drink be unBEERable?"
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, dear God, please tell me you went with that one.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05No, I just went with "Fancy a cheeky shandy?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:08That sounds like you're offering to wank him off.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10In which case, why hasn't he replied?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I mean, we are so similar -
0:07:12 > 0:07:15we both like baking, we both like dubstep.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- You don't like dubstep.- Yes I do. - Really?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Cos according to Spotify you listen to wall-to-wall movie soundtracks.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24What's your favourite dubstep album - Patch Adams or Les Miserables?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Why were you on my computer? - I wasn't.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Spotify lists what your friends are listening to.- Really?!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Oh, dear God, can't I do anything
0:07:32 > 0:07:35without people finding out what I'm actually like?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Sorry about last night, mate.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Hope it was worth it.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It was all right, if you like
0:07:40 > 0:07:43intensely passionate one-night stands.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45My zinc levels are a bit depleted.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48But she wasn't worth standing up my mate for.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- So tonight we've got big plans. - At last! Here we go.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I thought as it's Tuesday we could go to the local for the pub quiz!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Not an option.- Why not? - They think he murders prostitutes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You can't just not go somewhere because they think
0:08:01 > 0:08:03you murder prostitutes - you'd never go anywhere.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Also, Kate and me will be there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07We clearly don't do that sort of thing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Are you mad? They won't let me have my phone on at the pub quiz
0:08:10 > 0:08:11and I'm waiting for the text.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And now I've got to stay in and reinvent myself on Spotify.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's just us two, then - the boys are back.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Did I tell you about the time I saw Finlay Quaye in Wagamama's?- No.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- He asked for black pepper. - What, on noodles?- Yeah!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28They didn't have any, they had to borrow it from Strada next door.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Oh, my God.- He really wanted it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Did you know that I didn't try black pepper until I was 21?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Really?- Yeah! I need to go to the shop to top up my Pay As You Go.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Get me a port?- A port?- Yeah.- Now?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Considering it's the present day? - Yeah!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I like the wine gum so I thought I'd try it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Also, trust me, girls love a fortified wine.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, hello.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53A pint for me,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and a port for my friend who is about to arrive.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Port?! Who's your friend? Isambard Kingdom Brunel?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Where are you? The quiz is starting in three minutes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13What do you mean you bumped into her again? Where?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14In the greengrocer's?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Are you having sex with a greengrocer?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Are you having sex with a green grocer?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You're having sex with a greengrocer, incredible.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Well, when are you going to get here?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, you're kidding... a replacement?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Right, quiz bud, let's get you in the zone.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Which band featured the vocal talents of Rachel Stevens?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I'm going to have to press you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Tick-tick-tick-tick...
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Geoff? Can we just have a normal conversation, like normal people?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45OK. OK.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So, you're not getting married, then?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Did she find someone else?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Because you couldn't satisfy her?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Shall we go back to the trivia? - Excellent. Who released the single
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- 'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex'? - Rachel Stevens?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yes! And when was it released? Think of my birthday.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Work back!- I have no idea.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Are you a quizzer or not?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I don't want to be paired with a dead weight.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Right, last chance.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Who came second in the sixth series of Strictly Come Dancing?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Geoff, do you have any questions that aren't about Rachel Stevens?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Right, I quit!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You can't quit, we haven't even started.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I'm forming a subteam.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- On your own? - Yes, I'm going solo.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You can't go solo, Geoff, we're not Wham!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Or Rachel Stevens. - Stop talking about Rachel Stevens!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Lovers' tiff?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I'm not gay. I'm his landlord.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I would've assumed accomplice.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37We're both straight. I mean he used to have girlfriend, until, well...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Leave it, Geoff.- You could be next. - Geoff, stop!
0:10:40 > 0:10:41- Just saying, she could be. - Shut up, Geoff!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- What do you mean, I could be next? - Well, he's always on the lookout.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47No, no, no, not like that!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54What if there's a murder in the area? I'm now the prime suspect.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I am the local weirdo.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I do wish I could disagree with you.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01This is your fault! I can't believe you stood me up.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05I'm sorry, but as I said, something very important came up.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You were fucking the greengrocer!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Yes. I forgot you knew that. Sorry. Won't happen again, I promise.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Orange?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Did she give you free oranges?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Yeah!- You do realise that makes you a prostitute?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You're not going to kill me, are you?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I can't be around any more of that music.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's like sharing a room with Oxide & Neutrino.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28They're not cool any more.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Yeah, yeah, I know. I meant...Ms Dynamite-tee-hee?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And she's not called Ms Dynamite-tee-hee.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- MESSAGE ALERT - Finally! Smoked him out of his hole.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I knew he liked me! God, he's lovely.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm too nervous, you read it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48I don't want to.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50No, go on.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I was - that's what he's written.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54What?!
0:11:55 > 0:11:5748 hours for that?!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Procrastinating little shit!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01I've hardly slept.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I've listened to anything but bloody Phats & Smalls
0:12:04 > 0:12:06in case he was watching my Spotify.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I hate to split hairs, but I think Smalls is singular.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10OK, OK. No, it's fine -
0:12:10 > 0:12:13obviously he's going to send an explanation.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Does my phone say "some text missing"?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No phone has said that in the last decade.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Maybe he sent it too soon - we've all done that!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"I don't want to...miss this opportunity"!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"I don't want to...spend another second away from you"!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- "I don't want to..." - Not sleep with other women?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28He must be sending an explanation.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Are the dots there?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31The dots aren't there.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Where are the dots?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I liked the dots.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I miss the dots.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Do you want an orange? - No, I don't want an orange.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Come on, Kate, it could be worse.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I mean, apparently I kill prostitutes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Owen sells his body for fruit.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Guilty as charged.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I need a drink. Let's go to the pub.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52No can do. I'll go to the shop.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03CLATTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Hello?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Hello, who is that?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I can see your hair.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Oh, hello!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Oh, God, what were you doing by my bin? Were you watching me?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20No, no, no! I live in this block as well.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I was just, um, doing the recycling.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, yeah?- Yeah!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Look, I'm not a weirdo.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I'm a normal guy, I live in a normal flat,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39with normal people, where we do normal things. Normally.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44Not as in "sometimes we do weird shit." Is this helping?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Not really.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Come in for a drink. You can meet my flatmates!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I'll get in there and it'll be your dead mother in a dress.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54No, no, she's naked. I've made it weird again.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Look, come in, have a drink. Please?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00KEY TURNS IN LOCK
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Come on in. Here we are. Welcome to my humble abode.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08CLICKS LIGHT SWITCH
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Don't worry about that, bit temperamental.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- CLAPS - Yeah, definitely on the blink.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- OK...- Hello? Guys? - MESSAGE ALERT
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"Gone to greengrocer's"?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Where are your flatmates?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25No, don't worry, we're not alone.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- What's wrong with her? - She's not dead!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Look, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just going to go.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31No, no, there's nothing wrong!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Why won't this open?- Don't worry, it's just a sticky door!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Right! Let's get those legs off.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38SHE SCREAMS
0:14:38 > 0:14:41MUSIC: "Sweet Dreams My LA Ex" by Rachel Stevens
0:14:41 > 0:14:45# If I were in your shoes I'd whisper before I shout
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# Can't you stop playing that record again
0:14:48 > 0:14:52# Find somebody else to talk about?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# If I were in your shoes
0:14:55 > 0:14:59# I'd worry of the effects
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# You've had your say... #
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Oh, my God!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# ..You've had your say but now it's my turn
0:15:12 > 0:15:16# Sweet dreams my LA ex
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# We've had it on full steam
0:15:19 > 0:15:24# Till the light comes back to you now
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# Hey, is it all it seems
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Is it all you dreamed and more?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# What planet are you from?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# Accuse me of things that I never done
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# Listen to you carrying on... #