0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10'This is your headmaster, welcoming you to this term's parents evening.'
0:00:12 > 0:00:13TOILET FLUSHES
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Ha! I knew you'd be waiting here for me,
0:00:15 > 0:00:16sorry about that.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Roy Carlson, PE, Head of PE, how are you?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Sorry about that, I was in the little boy's room,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23turned out to be a game of two halves.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I mean, I got off to a strong start, had a little break -
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I like to take me half-time oranges in there,
0:00:28 > 0:00:29you know, just freshen up a bit.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Slot two in at the last minute, then it was into extra time,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34ended up on penalties.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Anyway, enough about my shit.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Lovely to see you both, you look lovely.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Are you going to a party?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Just parents evening.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, right - you've made a nice effort.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45And you're wearing your party hat - that's very nice, that.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Put a candle in there, happy birthday.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Anyway, you are...don't tell me. Er...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Mr and Mrs...
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Chang?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Mike's, parents is it?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Rupinder's parents. - Rupinder, of course!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Mr and Mrs Rupinder. How are you? Lovely to see you.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04That's a nice name, Rupinder. That's exotic, isn't it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Where's that from? Is that Italian?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10No? It's got a kind of, "Rupinder, how are you?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13"Yeah, I'll have...I'll have the garlic bread, thanks, Rupinder."
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- COMPUTERISED VOICE:- No more bets.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Come on...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Red 32 - you lose. - HE GROANS
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- SOMEONE KNOCKS - Hold on, thank you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Uh, come in!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Hi.- Hi.- Hi, how are you?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- Good to see you. How are you? - Nice to see you. Oh...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Yes, a little accident, there. - Hi.- Hi there, hi.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Please, take a seat. Have you had a pleasant evening thus far?- Mm!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Hopefully, you got all the information you needed,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- as far as little, er...- Joshua.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41..Joshua goes, that's right, little Josh.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- Really a lovely boy.- Is he?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And I predict, for next term, a high B or even a low A.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47So, that's great.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And, er...hey, look, I've got you out four minutes early.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Why don't you go to the canteen, get a hot beverage?- Oh, we wanted...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55We were actually...
0:01:55 > 0:01:56- I just wanted to ask.... - You wanted to ask.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You shall ask whatever you need. Don't even need to put your hand up.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- MR JESSOP CHUCKLES - Go on, then, put your hand up.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03- See...- No, up it goes, go on.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Darling...- Very good. Yeah, not now.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I hope I've answered all your questions.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08So, lovely to see you again.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10There was one to ask...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Absolutely, no - sorry, as I said, fire away. Fire away.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- We wanted to...- Good, good, good.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Have you had your teeth whitened, by the way?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Your smile is dazzling.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Absolutely sensational. Do you floss?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We wondering about Joshua's iPhone 5.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26You confiscated it a while ago.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And we were just wondering when it would be returned?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Mm. Hm.- Hm.- Hm.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Hm.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- When will the confiscated item be returned?- Yes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42You'll be pleased to know that the item will be returned,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46depending on the date you were given at the bottom of the letter.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Sorry, I don't...I actually think we didn't get that letter.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oh, yes, the confiscation letter. Explaining the, er...the, er...
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Confiscation?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- So you read it?- No.- No, I think...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Are you going to read it? You should, you know.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- It's very enlightening. - We haven't got the letter, so...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Right, not on you, no, it's at home?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- No.- I sent it to your house.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Presumably, you'll be able to recall what date...?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Oh, yes - it was at least... - MUMBLING:- ..the ninth...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10The, sorry?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- MUMBLING:- The ninth. - Of?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Some time ago.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Parents evening is such a drag, though, isn't it?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20We all want to be at home now. But no -
0:03:20 > 0:03:24back you stay, in the school, the parents are coming,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26the parents are coming.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Actually, we're happy to be here.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30We'd rather be at home, wouldn't we?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Sat in front of the television box -
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Jonathan Ross, perhaps, on his chat couch
0:03:37 > 0:03:39with Aisha Dixon,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43or the entire cast of Made In Chelsea.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Have you seen that programme?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46We don't...we don't watch much TV.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Right. I'm quite a fan of it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52That bisexual one is especially intriguing.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Wh...who's that?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55I don't know.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Just remind me who your daughter is again?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Katy Wilson.- Katy, Katy Wilson.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Any clue?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Um, she's got brown hair...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Oh, Katy Wilson!- Yes.- Yeah...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Ah...
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Katy, Kitty Kat, Katy.- Yes...
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Kit-Kat Kate. Katy Potaty, yes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18We're also slightly concerned.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- She's in her own world.- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And do you know why they retreat into their little worlds?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24- Why?- Why?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Boys, darling, boys.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Boys, boys, boys, looking for a good time.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- She's a little bit young for boys.- Yes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Well, no, that's what you'd think.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I started masturbating when I was four.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He's a bit of a dreamer, if I'm honest.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's a bit hard to get his attention, from time to time,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and you'll be like, "Right, Rupinder, time to get up,
0:04:45 > 0:04:46"it's time for your star jumps."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And he'll just...he'll just, sort of, ignore you, you know.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's very rude. Very rude.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've had to pull him up on a couple of occasions, you know,
0:04:54 > 0:04:55for not listening.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56He doesn't listen.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57He's partly deaf.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Partly deaf?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03He's partly deaf, he has a hearing aid.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Is that what that thing is?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I was looking at little Rupinder going, "What is that in his ear?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10"What is that thing?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I took it off him, I did, I confiscated it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I thought it was a toy or something.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Confiscated it? - I snapped it off his head, I did,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and I stomped on it and I said, "No, no, no!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"You're not playing with that.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"It's time for PE, now do your star jumps."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- And I threw it in the bin. - In the bin?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Er...Chris? - Yeah? >
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Chris? - Yes? >
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Have a look in that brown bin, would you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34< Fuck off! It's full of tampons!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I wanted to talk about Mamet's progress.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- Yes, yes, Mehmet, yes, yes.- Yes.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm very worried about Mehmet.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Well, last term, he was averaging a D.- Yes, he got the D.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45The good news for you is that he's now averaging a C.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- A C? - Yes, he's been working very hard,
0:05:47 > 0:05:48I'm very, very impressed and...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- But he get the C? - Yes, which is great.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Yeah, he got the D, but now he get the C?- Yes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Miss Summers, what Miss Shahedi was really concerned about
0:05:57 > 0:05:58is that, although he get the C,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02how we get Mamet from the C to the A.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I think if he continues to work really hard,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06he could very well achieve a B or an A...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Um...- B?- I'm slightly concerned... - Is it the B?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Well, you know... - Is it the B or is it the A?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12If you can... He has to go from the C to the A...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Yes...- ..or he has to go from the C to the B to the A,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17or maybe he can go from the C to the A...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Um...- ..without the B.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- I can...- We really want to get him from the C to the A.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- I understand. - Because if you get the A,
0:06:23 > 0:06:24you can go to university,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27you can become doctor, you can become lawyer...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28- Yes. - You can become anything you want.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- I could...- If you get the A.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- I could use your help...- But if you get the C, you may as well get D,
0:06:33 > 0:06:34or if you get the E, may as well get the F.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37And I say to him, "You get the F, out you go!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Um, now, the homework situation... - I always get the A.- Now...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I never get the C. How does he get from the C to the A?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Have you heard of a condition called ADHD?- ADHD?- Yes.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yes, yes, Mehmet's been tested for ADHD.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49And what was the result?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50He got the C.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- MR BERTRUDE:- Was that the concern?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Yes.- No, there's nothing to be concerned about.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- She's got lots of friends. - Thank God.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01She's friends with Tilly, she's friends with Jonah,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04she's friends with Michael, she's friends with Scarlet,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06she's very good friends with Tommy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10And, of course, friends with Mr Biscuits.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Oh, dear - head in hands, hand on shoulder.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Have I said something wrong?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18We didn't realise she was bringing him into school.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, no, no, she has been, darlings.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23We know...other children have imaginary friends,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26but this has been going on for about three years, so... Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Hm, hm.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Katy's been making demands, of late. - What kind of demands?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Well, it started off quite innocently.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Katy asked if it was all right for Mr Biscuits to sit in class.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I said, "That's fine, but only if he keeps very quiet."
0:07:41 > 0:07:44All of a sudden, it's, "Mr Biscuits would like a chair."
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"Oh, Sir, can Mr Biscuits have a desk?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"Oh, Mr Biscuits knows the answer to this question."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"Oh, Mr Biscuits needs to go to the toilet."
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"Oh, Mr Biscuits REALLY needs to go to the toilet."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"Oh, Sir, too late, Mr Biscuits has just wet himself."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"Oh, no, I can't sit here,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Mr Biscuits' wee-wee is making me feel ill!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04And do you encourage this behaviour?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06What, Mr Biscuits pissing his pants
0:08:06 > 0:08:07in the middle of my geography lesson?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09No, I do not!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Hello. Hello. You must be Jamal's parents.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12I'm Mr Bell,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Jamal's music teacher - hello.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Oh, my days!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yes?- Jamal told me that you were still teaching music here,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21but I did not believe him.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23My God, Mario! What a surprise.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25They...they...they let you out?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26How nice to see you, Mr Bell.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Yes, it's...it's, it's great to see you...to see you too, Mario.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- This is Jamal's mother.- Oh.- Monique.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Hello, Monique, nice to meet you. Well...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Please, let's...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yes, take the weight off.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Mr Bell was my music teacher, as well.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Yes, I was, a long time ago.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I taught...I taught young Mario
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- and he was quite a character.- Hmm.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52By the way, my name ain't Mario no more.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Now it's Shazad El Bashar El Mustafa.- Right.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59You seem to have embraced a religiously observant life,
0:08:59 > 0:09:00and that's to be commended.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You don't wear glasses no more?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, no...I had the old... the old laser eyes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Bionic man. 20/20 now.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Monique, it pleases me enormously to see Mr Bell once again,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12but you would die of shame
0:09:12 > 0:09:15if you were to hear of the torment and unpleasantness
0:09:15 > 0:09:17that this man was forced to endure
0:09:17 > 0:09:19at the hand of myself and my classmates.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Well, it was a long time ago.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The Nutella filling in his lunchtime sandwich
0:09:24 > 0:09:27was replaced with a most unholy substance.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Boys will be boys. Ha...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30And he was known thus forth
0:09:30 > 0:09:33as Colin Bell, the Poo Muncher Man.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Yes...that sort of led
0:09:34 > 0:09:37to quite a serious bout of diphtheria...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He was physically forced into submission and held so,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44whilst the flabby and most unhygienic boy, named Farouk,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48released the most unpleasant flatulent gases into his mouth...
0:09:48 > 0:09:49He was very big for his age, Farouk.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52..thus causing him to vomit on Farouk's trainers.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Yes. Dunlop Green Flash.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58This displeased Farouk tremendously, and in a fit of vengeful rage,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- put him in a big bin, breaking his glasses.- That's right.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- And his pelvis.- Yes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And not only this - we relieved him of his school garments
0:10:07 > 0:10:09and chained him to the railings,
0:10:09 > 0:10:14thus displaying his most precious and shrivelled of personal items
0:10:14 > 0:10:17for the ridicule of the girls' school opposite.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I don't make the dates, I don't make the rules.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I just follow them and make sure your son does, too.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- And he didn't.- Um... - He broke the rules.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29He was actually just using it in class as a calculator
0:10:29 > 0:10:31which I understand you'd said was OK to do.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Yes, yes, it was, yes.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36So, I don't understand why he had it confiscated.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I don't understand, either. As I said, it's all in the letter.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41In other classes, when things are confiscated,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44as I understand, as the parent rep for this year,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47that they tend to be returned within a six, eight-week period.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Parent rep?- Yes.- Oh, well...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Some of the other parents... - Parents have mentioned...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Other parents? - They've been in touch.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Been in touch? Oh, right.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Which other parents are we talking about?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01The Rogers have been in touch to say that her daughter lost her saxophone.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- The Rogers?- Hm.- Saxophone?- Yes. - Missing or confiscated?- Confiscated.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Well, there you go, then. She was using it in class.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- In a maths class?- Yes.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Using it to count. I said, what's the answer to this? She went...
0:11:13 > 0:11:14PARP!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Well, Roger let his son use his Mont Blanc pen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yes, well he was using that Mont Blanc pen in class.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Well, it's a pen.- Exactly.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Andrew Richards lost his glasses.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Lost his glasses? Well...- Confiscated.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Confiscated.- Taken away from him.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27What kind of glasses were these?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Gucci.- He was using them in class.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- He can't see without them. - That's what I said to him.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I said, "You won't see without these.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"But you shouldn't use them in class."
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Ahem.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Hi, Miss Judy.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Hi, Ali. What are you doing here? It's parents evening.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I wanted to ask you something.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I don't really have much time, Ali.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53But, Miss Judy, I noticed on your timetable that you...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59..you have 11 minutes until your next appointment.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Er, yeah, OK. But five minutes, OK?
0:12:02 > 0:12:07- What did you want to say? - I wanted to say that...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10# I want you to know
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# That you are the one for me... #
0:12:13 > 0:12:14- Get out.- No, please...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Get out.- But...
0:12:15 > 0:12:16- No.- Miss Judy...
0:12:16 > 0:12:22- I've got parents coming in. - I saw on the timetable that...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23HE FARTS Oh!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25TEARFULLY: Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Judy.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- It's OK.- Thank you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I noticed on the notice board
0:12:29 > 0:12:33that you are going to have auditions for the school play.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's not a musical, it's Waiting For Godot,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37which is a very serious play.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- But I want to be in the school play. - The auditions are next week.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Yes, I know they are next week, for the school play,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- but I am unable to attend next week for the school play.- Why?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I have to have...an operation.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54An operation - what on? Where?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56It is...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57a secret.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Well, I can't audition you unless you tell me the secret.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05OK, but I will have to whisper the secret.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Are you going to try and kiss me again?- Yes.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Then, no. We talked about this.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- But I have operation, Miss Judy. - What on?- My...
0:13:17 > 0:13:18- ..knee.- Your knee?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Y-Yes. It is life-threatening. - Is it really?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23No.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- What else?- Well...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28What else has been confiscated in the name of good teaching?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- The Levens' boy, he... - The Levens' boy!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32He had his insulin kit confiscated.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Insulin? Oh, is that what you call it now?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37A junkie is a junkie from where I'm sitting.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- He's a diabetic.- Type one.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Type one junkie.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Stephanie Edwards... - Oh, Stephanie Edwards -
0:13:42 > 0:13:44well, you know what her husband's been up to!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Having an affair.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47With his own brother.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Disgusting.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Please continue the list. - The Robertsons...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Oh, well, you know, you've heard about them?- No.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Junkies.- What? - They're junkies, the pair of them.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58You not seen them in the shopping centre?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Outside with a banjo and a hat, a dirty one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Ugh, I wouldn't spit in it. - I'm talking about Samuel and...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Tucked his leg in, he did.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I saw him walking into the off-licence
0:14:09 > 0:14:10just three days prior,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"Oh, where's your leg gone?" It's tucked under!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You're not a war hero, you're a scumbag.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I don't think it says he's a war hero.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, whatever, it was written on his cardboard.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I took it out of his hand, I did. That's why he bit me.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Bit me, the old junkie scum.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I might have AIDS!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30AIDS from a junkie war hero, with one leg, tucked under!
0:14:30 > 0:14:31MR CARLSON: You know what they say,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"The browner the face, the swifter the pace."
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Mr Carlson, we've spoken to the headmaster.- Oh?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And, um...he's getting straight As across the board
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Oh, that's good, that's good, that's very good.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45We're looking at maybe Oxford University.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Oxford?- So we wanted to look at the possibility
0:14:48 > 0:14:53of possibly cutting back on some of his subjects, to increase other...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Say no more, Mrs Rupinder's Mum.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59It would be honour, an honour and a privilege.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I'll have a word with the other teachers. It'll be fine.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04They won't like it at first, but they'll just have to lump it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I'll tell them what's going on.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"Roy Carlson is taking young Rupinder Singh
0:15:09 > 0:15:10"all the way to Oxford."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12We'll have to start first thing Monday -
0:15:12 > 0:15:14triple PE four times a day.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16We'll go four, four and four. You got that?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Four, four and four.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Mr Rupinder's Dad, have you got a garage?- Yes.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22We can work Rupinder through the night.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24We can put the garage on wheels.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It can be a mobile garage gym.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28We can call it,
0:15:28 > 0:15:35"Rupinder Singh's Gooooold...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"Mobile Garage Gym."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39We can travel to Oxford, have a look around,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42see the lay of the land, press-ups, star jumps, the whole shebang.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- What do you think?- Mr Carlson, that's not what we're saying.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Rupinder wants to study pure mathematics
0:15:47 > 0:15:51and biochemical engineering at Oxford University.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Why don't you say anything? Sitting there like a bloody lump!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57But what about...what about the PE?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01He's going to be the world's greatest PE teacher,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Oxford-trained.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08The garage on wheels, the mobile garage on wheels.
0:16:08 > 0:16:16Mr Carlson's Gooooold Mobile Garage on Wheels!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17When I was inside,
0:16:17 > 0:16:22I learned to express my remorse through the power of verse.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, how...how wonderful.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I've written a little something
0:16:26 > 0:16:29that I would very much like to recite to you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32It would heal my wounds.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Yes - I mean, we haven't got long...
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Hit it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37MONIQUE BEATBOXES
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- HE RAPS:- # Way back, back, back in the day
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# Girls and spliffs and ecstasy
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Gran Turismo, Station Play
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# Wii Fit, yeah, great if you're gay (I'm not)
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# Way back, back, back in the day
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# Flunk school, bunk school either way
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# I never gave a fuck back, back in the day
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- SINGS:- # But now, time's a-changing
0:16:57 > 0:17:02# My personality is rearranging
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# And this is the one thing
0:17:05 > 0:17:10# I would like to say to you... #
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Hit it!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14# Colin, you're a bell-end Colin, you're a dick... #
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Dennis! - # Fat and flaky and smell of sick
0:17:16 > 0:17:17# Cock like an acorn Crying like a bitch
0:17:17 > 0:17:19# All grown up now Specially his tits... #
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What are you doing?! No, no, no!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22In the face, in the face.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23MR BELL YELPS
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I love this guy, I love this guy, me.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27- Oh, don't!- Look at you, man!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30See you later, Mr Bellend.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Every fucking time, mate! Oh, shit!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39ALI FARTS Oh!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Ali...it's really, it's very hard for people to learn
0:17:41 > 0:17:43when someone is gassing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46But Miss Judy, I brought you a present.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Is it the stick with the balloons on? No?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51OK.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Ah, in a bag. What could this be?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Are these your swimming trunks?- Yes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Have you been swimming in them?- No.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Why are they wet?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I don't know.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I don't want any more...wet clothes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13But they told me to.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16They were teasing you, Ali, they're bullying you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19No, I don't have bully. No bully for me.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'm very popular, Miss Judy.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- You're not.- I am popular.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29PHONE CHIMES You see, now I have a text message.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31It is my friend, just one moment.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Argh!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36What is that? Let me see what...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39No, Miss Judy, it is gone now.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43He had sent me a picture on Snap Chat.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44What was it a picture of?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I don't know, but...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49..it was open.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Is there anything we, as parents, can do?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Have you considered
0:18:53 > 0:18:57making friends with Mr Biscuit?
0:18:57 > 0:19:04- N...no... - Not best friends, just...friends.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- We've never tried that. - He doesn't exist.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I wouldn't say that in front of Mr Biscuits.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Mr Biscuits wouldn't like that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15You see, Mr Biscuits has a terrible temper.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17He gets very feisty in class.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19He's getting out of control.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21He turned to me in the middle of the geography class, he did.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25He said, "Oi, you, why don't you go eff off, you effing old P!"
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I said, "Don't talk to me that way, you little C!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:30He said, "You can't call me a little C!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Eff off and stick your P in a Q! Two Qs in fact."
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I said, "I don't know where I'm expected to find an extra Q from."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Do you get my gist?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Sort of.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So, the McCormicks...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Oh, the McCormicks. Well, come on, now.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Their daughter has lost her iPad in your class.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Not lost, confiscated. It's in the confiscation cupboard.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- I told you, they're all in the confiscation cupboard!- Fine.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Where is the confiscation cupboard?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It's in the confiscation cupboard room.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Mr Jessop.- Call me Colin.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Colin.- Call me Mr Jessop.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Mr Jessop...- Call me Colin.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Call me Mr Jessop.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10We have an app on our laptop at home.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Right.- It's telling us...
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Yes?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16..Josh's iPhone is currently located in Croatia.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Right. And?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24And do you have any explanation as to why it's in Croatia?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Well, it must be because
0:20:29 > 0:20:32the location
0:20:32 > 0:20:37of the confiscation cupboard...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41..is there?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43In Croatia?
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Yes.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47The confiscation cupboard is in Croatia?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Yes. Relocated, you see.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Security measure.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The voice mail on the phone has also changed to something
0:20:56 > 0:20:59that sounds a lot like Croatian.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Well, you know what kids are like!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04What are you suggesting?!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm taking these items and selling them online or something?! Hmm?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Is that what you're saying?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Well, you know what? I did! I did! I sold them all!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Every one. Your iPhone, the iPads, the Mont Blanc pen.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I got £622!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20And postage and packing!
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I'm a power seller!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I took that money, I went straight to the bookmakers
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and that roulette wheel goes round and round,
0:21:29 > 0:21:34and I've got a friend, his name's Mr Wong, we play roulette together
0:21:34 > 0:21:37all day long and we drink gin out of a bottle
0:21:37 > 0:21:39that's in a brown paper bag!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I love it! I don't care who knows it!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43I love it!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45We wanted to sign this form to relieve Rupinder
0:21:45 > 0:21:47of all PE lessons.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What, no PE at all?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No PE.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54But...it'll kill him.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56This is actually Rupinder's idea.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58He finds PE boring.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Boring?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Boring?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06There's nothing boring about PE, let me tell you!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09There's nothing boring about doing star jumps for 15 minutes,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12then taking the cones out, running between the cones
0:22:12 > 0:22:13doing more star jumps,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15then running on the spot for 15 more minutes,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18then up against the wall and back, up against the wall and back again.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21There's nothing boring about that. My kids love PE!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Mr Gosling, please will you just sign the form?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's not like it used to be, you know.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Back in my day, PE was very different.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31It was right lads, trousers off, into the Mersey, ten laps,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32out you get, trousers on.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Onto the bus, trousers off, spot of lunch, into the woods,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37trousers off again, oh, not like that,
0:22:37 > 0:22:38that's it, into a rugby scrum,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40hold it there, yeah, bit longer.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44OK, I'm done. Back on the bus, trousers on.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45We just want you to sign this form,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48so that they can get on with rearranging his timetable.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- No PE, at all?- No PE.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Jogging on the spot?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54No.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Star jump?- No.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Roly poly?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58No roly poly.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05And in the mornings, he's even worse!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I'll be there, front of the class, taking the register.
0:23:08 > 0:23:15"Bartholomew? Here. Biggs? Here. Biscuits?"
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Nothing!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18It's as if he's not even there!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I thought discipline might help.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I said, right, stay behind Mr Biscuits, I'm setting you a task.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Does that look like 3,000 words on igneous rock formations?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31No! 400 words, littered with spelling mistakes!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I would love to continue this conversation,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39but sadly I have my next parents coming in.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Now, if you will excuse me.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Yes, yes, of course, come in, come in, come in.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Er, Mr and Mrs Wilson,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Dr and Mrs Biscuits.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Do you need a little, a little leg-up? OK.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Yes, see you again.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Mrs Biscuits, looking wonderful, as always.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Please may I audition for the school play?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04OK, you've got two minutes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:10# I want you to know that you are the one for me
0:24:10 > 0:24:14# I want you to know that you are the one for me, you see! #
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Argh!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Oh! Oh!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Miss Judy?- Yeah?
0:24:25 > 0:24:31Please may I be excused, to go to the toilet, please?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Please do.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- Miss Judy?- Yes?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Did I get the part?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38No.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Thank you.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Oi!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Oi!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Oi!
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Oi!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Oi!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Oi!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58So, just to confirm, the phone is...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01It's gone! Went like that.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Argh.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Well, I think we'll first contact the headmaster,
0:25:05 > 0:25:06then the police, after that.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Please don't call the police!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I know people on the exam board!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I could have a word with the head examiner!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I'll make sure Joshua gets straight A's from now until he's 19!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17He could go to Oxford!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I don't think you're a responsible person to be teaching children.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Listen, I'm being held to ransom by Albanian sex traffickers.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27After I finish up tonight, I've got to go
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and have sex with minicab drivers.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm a Syrian refugee.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I've walked all the way from Damascus.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39If you tell the police, they'll send me back to the immigration hut.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I'm a registered sex offender!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46If they find out about this, I'm ruined!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- TANNOY:- Parents and teachers, teachers and parents,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52this is your headmaster speaking, just to remind you to wrap things up
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and move swiftly onto your next designated appointment.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Thanks for listening.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Right, well, unfortunately we've run out of time, so lovely to see
0:26:02 > 0:26:06you both, and I'll see you again very soon, I'm very sure.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08MUSIC: School Day by Chuck Berry
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Up in the morning and out to school
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# The teacher is teaching the golden rule
0:26:16 > 0:26:18# American history and practical maths
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# You study 'em hard and hopin' to pass
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# Workin' your fingers right down to the bone
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# And the guy behind you won't leave you alone... #