0:00:02 > 0:00:04Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Welcome to Flat News as flatmates celebrate their first DIY success.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23It's an entertainment unit.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Patent pending.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27The flat receives another letter of complaint from Emma in flat six,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29talking of excessive noise levels...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31MUSIC POUNDS
0:00:31 > 0:00:32..stealing their internet...
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Got it!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36..and lazy bin bag distribution.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39The bin bag situation is blamed solely on third flatmate,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42proper grown-up and all-round boring man Mike Dowling.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- Late last night, Dowling had this to say.- Uuurgh!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Flatmates are currently formulating an official response.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51A response in no way directed at Emma's flat-mate Sophie,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54who was unavailable for comment, mainly because I'm in love with her
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and if we spoke even for a second I would die.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- She is the most beautiful girl in the world.- Not in the world.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Yes, she is.- Jennifer Lawrence, grown-up Hannah Montana.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03And finally...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- Oprah!- And finally, yesterday in the pub,
0:01:07 > 0:01:08flatmate Naz Osmanoglu made
0:01:08 > 0:01:11the incredible claim that lobsters can't die.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14We are now joined by Naz in the studio.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Thanks for coming in. - Great to be here.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Now, Naz...what the fuck are you talking about?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Well, it's quite simple. Lobsters are immortal.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- So lobsters can't die. - Yes, that's correct.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29And what do you say to the many that are claiming that is total bollocks?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I've read nearly an entire Wikipedia article about it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- And that's your only source...? - If I could finish...
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This isn't the first time you've been accused of talking shit, is it?
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- In 2010 you claimed that pork was a type of beef.- Yes, porky beef.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Last February you insisted that a boy at your school could lay eggs.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44He showed me the egg!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And only last week you said that smoking makes babies stronger.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Maybe I did read that wrong,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52but I'm telling you, Ollie Clark pooped out an omelette.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Lobsters live for ever.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- I'm afraid that's all we have time for.- Look it up!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I will. I'm Googling "made-up lobster bullshit."
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Special delivery for flat six.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- This is flat five.- They're not in, so you got to sign for it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- But that's the girls' flat. - Ah, yeah?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10The signature won't match up. I'm a boy.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Nah, bruv, you a man. Now sign the ting, yeah?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18So what, there's galdem over there? Foxy ladies?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Yes?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Niiiiice.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You know, back in 2005,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I was delivering this package for a girl, fragile little brown ting.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- That's disrespectful. - No, bruv, the package.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34She wasn't in, guy next door signs for it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Six months later I'm delivering a package with both their names on.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39What?
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Love. Man and woman brought together by the finest delivery service.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Listen, here's what you're going to do.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You're going to write a note to them girls saying you've got
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- their package and they can pick it up when they come to your party. - What party?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The one you're going to throw. Get some wine, play some choons.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'm talking 'bout a groovebang, bruv.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Groovebang? You're amazing!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm like Hermes,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04messenger of the Gods.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Ask me what my name is. - Um...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Ask me what my name is!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Is it Hermes?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13No, it's Carl, nice to meet you. I like that, though.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Hermes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21From the gods.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Look at this.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- This is for Emma.- Hm.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You, my friend, are going straight down the toilet.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- No, we need this!- What? - We're having a package party.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Are you ill? - We use it to invite flat six round.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Great idea(!) Then we can sellotape all our limbs to fireworks,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39set them all off and see what happens. No way!
0:03:39 > 0:03:43This is Emma! Do you remember these?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"I've got friends coming round. I'd rather not see your filth.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"I like to sleep at midnight.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"Don't vomit in the communal areas." She's a knob, mate.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53She's not, she's foxy.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Foxy, in that she's quietly threatening and obsessed with bins.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But she'll bring Sophie, you like Sophie.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Yeah, but I like Sophie in the way you like the blue one in X-Men.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Red hair and scales. - Pretty, but terrifying.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Tom, this is a gift from the gods! - Then why does it say Amazon?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Hermes promised if I wrote a note, we'd have a groovebang.- What's that?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's something to do with meeting and possibly talking to girls.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Real girls.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Fine, but I'm writing the note.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23No, I'll do it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- I'll write a note, you write a note, we'll see which one's the best.- Done.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Tom Rosenthal...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Naz Osmanoglu.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Whose note gets stuck on the girls' door?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41The judges decide!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46First up - Tom Rosenthal.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49WEEDY SINGLE VOICE: Whoo! Yeah, Tom!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Hi, Emma, this is Flat five. It's Tom.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55A package of yours got delivered to us.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57It's not that we don't enjoy being your own personal Post Office,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01I'm just surprised our filth is a good enough home for your immaculate belongings.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Feel free to pick it up whenever's convenient for you. No kiss.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05CROWD CHEERS
0:05:08 > 0:05:09SINGLE VOICE: Yeah! That's a no!
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Tom...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16..30 minutes ago, we were looking for a note.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21And, I'll be honest, we didn't know if this note was going to be it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And you know what?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29You're so good at writing notes!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- It's good. - It is good.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Tom, what can I say? You're a prick!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44And now - Naz Osmanoglu!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So, Naz, why are you here?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I think I've got the note.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Yo, ladiez, going to have a party tonight.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Maybe some alcoholic beverages.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Why don't you come round?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It's going to fun.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03About 8pm.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08PS, Emma, your package got delivered to us.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Groovebang.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Shit note!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I don't see what's wrong with it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You've spelt ladies with a "Z" and drawn a cartoon orgy.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- That's a stickman jamboree. - We're using mine.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Hi, guys!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- But we turn around...- And I'm like,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25we've definitely been busted by the girls.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Hiya!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- It's that resident's committee woman.- Argh.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32We can't pronounce her name. Hi...Oeru...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Euurff...- Effa...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35- Eurfa?- Aoife.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Yes!- How are you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Fine.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I'm fine. You must think I'm so annoying. What are you up to?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45We got delivered their package so just letting them know.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48They're such nice girls!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51We were talking about you the other day,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- cos Emma's a bit upset with the whole..- Yes!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57It's a different story with Sophie, though.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- What did she say?- Oh, no! I shouldn't have said anything.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02No, you can say.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04No, no, it's all right!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06No, you can say.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Well...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Fucking say.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13All I will say is that a little bird told me a little secret.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19And that little bird may have said something about you, Tom.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Sophie talked about ME?- Birds?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Naz, give me your note.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- What's happening? - We're having a groovebang!- Yes!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Oh. You're having a party tonight? - No.- Yes.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Urrrgh...- Eeeeuurgh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44You...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- ..should... - Don't do it!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- ..come... - NOOOOO!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Oh, yes, please!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Yeah, great, I'll see you tonight. At eight.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- See you then, then.- Bye, guys.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- We're having a party.- Let's groove the bang out of this thing.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Again!- I can't help it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13'The boys prepare for their big night. Tom clears up...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16'..whilst Naz has a shower.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18'For the menu, Tom makes nibbles.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'Or should I say nipples?'
0:08:20 > 0:08:22One word - canapes.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's two words.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Wait... Three words.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30'Syllables, Naz, they're called syllables.'
0:08:30 > 0:08:33For me, nothing beats an impressive bacon board.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And the cherry on the top -
0:08:35 > 0:08:37a massive ham.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40With a cherry on top.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41'Nice!'
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- # Place your ham atop the bacon, ham plus beef equals porky... #- Stop.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Stop singing. You know you can't serve that.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Why not?- Look at it. They're our neighbours, not Vikings.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Everyone loves the P-Beef.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Where did you even get it?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I work in a kitchen - I'm allowed to steal what's in it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Employee of the month(!) No wonder you're always getting sacked.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What? Two years I've been a sperm donor.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh! Please say things like that at the party.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Our neighbours really want to hear about your wank-wages.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- What's your problem with sperm? - Ham is not a cow, spunk is not a job.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- I'm in demand. - And lobsters fucking die.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- No, they don't! - That lobster you ate at Mike's birthday, was that alive?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah, it's like sushi.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Sushi is dead, mate!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Stop talking shit all the time!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Just once, could you open your mouth and not say something totally moronic?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- All right.- I've got a girl coming round tonight who I quite like,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31and I'm trying to impress her, and I won't if my flatmate's talking like a three year-old.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Clever three year-old.- Seriously - don't embarrass me. Yeah?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36OK, I won't.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37I'll go.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- But I'm going to prove you wrong! - Oh, good luck!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Where you going?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Naz...?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Nipple for the journey.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Breaking news. Flatmate Naz Osmanoglu has gone missing -
0:09:54 > 0:09:57minutes before what is now being referred to as the "package party".
0:09:57 > 0:09:59With us in the studio now
0:09:59 > 0:10:01to discuss is Naz Osman...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07This just in. I miss my friend.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:10 > 0:10:13'It's party time, and the doorbell's gone! Is it Naz?'
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Oh, no, it's whatsherface.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- You must think I'm really annoying. - No...
0:10:19 > 0:10:20'Yes!'
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Erm...this is 12 per cent.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25HE SNIFFS Thank you for that. It's lovely.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Yeah, I don't like the cork ones. Cos we're running out of cork in the world.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'Of course we are. Next to arrive - the flat six girls!'
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Hey! Sophie.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38'Don't scare her off, Tom.'
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Thanks...for clearing the bin bags.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Oh, hi!- Hi.- You know Aoife, don't you?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Yeah, we do, yeah.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47'To begin, Tom shows off the wine list.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Is that Irn-Bru?- Yeah, what is this? - That's Irn-Bru, yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55'And flirts with Sophie the only way he knows how, ie badly.'
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Best thing about it is I don't pay rent, cos Mum owns it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02That's lucky. Cos...you know, we have to work.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06'Uh-oh. Gonna say something? Anything?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08'No. Time for another drink.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11'Good thing about drinking is you're not flirting.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- So I'm going to start a choir - and I wondered if you wanted to be in it?- 'No, thank you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17'Anyway, here come the nibbles.'
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Canape, milady?- Oh, I'm OK, thank you.- Are you sure?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- No, I'm good.- I'll have... Yeah.- OK.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27'And the party's going from bad...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29'to worse.'
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Oh, is that... Is that sweet or savoury?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Both.- Oh - no, thank you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Have you got anything else, just to...take the taste away?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Er... There's crisps. We've got some ham...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I think you'll find... it's porky beef!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44'Oh, yes! Naz is back!'
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Naz!- Ladies...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49'Go for a hug?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51'Oh. Not really a hug, but it'll do.'
0:11:51 > 0:11:53How's the party? Are the girls here?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Naz... Naz...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Naz?- Yes.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59'Now Hugh Hefner's here, the party's in full swing.'
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Do you want to see my party trick?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Oh...!
0:12:04 > 0:12:05GIRLS LAUGH
0:12:07 > 0:12:09NAZ SHRIEKS
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I've got something for you. Hang on.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, he's so funny...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It's a package party! Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Here you are. Here you go... - Amazing.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23MUSIC: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga
0:12:23 > 0:12:25'Now, that's entertainment.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29'Lady Gaga? More like lady's GONE gaga.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32'But things are looking up for Tom.'
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Yeah, I'm a collector.- He's cute.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It's where we keep our straws...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Oh, that's so weird. We were supposed to get one of these modems.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Were you? I like his hat.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- You haven't eaten anything. You sure you don't want any food...? - No, I don't actually eat meat,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- I've been a vegetarian since I was ten.- Really? Me too.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Really?- Yeah, since six.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55'The relationship's going well, he's even started lying to her.'
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- I just can't eat anything with a face.- 'How DO you eat it, then?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00'The party's a ridiculous, incredible success.'
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I like those.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES
0:13:04 > 0:13:05'Until that.'
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- We...- really...- should have... - taken ...- those...- down!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Sorry....
0:13:11 > 0:13:12are those my notes?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Er...- Tom?- Er...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22BAYING CROWD
0:13:23 > 0:13:25'Awkward!'
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Tom, why are those up there?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Er... Naz did it. Naz put them there.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32- No, I didn't.- Yeah, you did.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Sophie did it.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Oh, is this not a game? - Why would you do that, Naz?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yeah, Naz. Why?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Maybe the same reason Tom lied about being a vegetarian. - I am vegetarian. I just decided.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You just decided to be a vegetarian when you were six?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49We-we-we should stop this.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, classic Tom - telling everyone what to do.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53No - only you, cos you do stupid things.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Naz isn't that stupid.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Isn't he? Have you told her your little theory?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00No, but I will. Did you know that lobsters actually live for ever?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- That's quite stupid.- Thank you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- What do you mean? - They're immortal.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Ignore him, he's an idiot. - No, I actually think I know what he's referring to.- Fiction?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10No, the rate at which lobsters age.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11BOTH: What?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15They produce an enzyme called telomerase which slows their ageing process.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Exactly - if you shoot it in the head...it doesn't die.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- No, that's not what I'm saying... - I'm on the same page.
0:14:21 > 0:14:27My uncle wanted to live for ever, and so we froze him. And then when we defrosted him, he was just mush.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Look, it doesn't matter, because I can prove it.- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, that poor thing.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Look at its claws, Tom - of course they live for ever.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Stolen from work?- Yeah.- Obviously. - Our pet will live longer than us.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39One day, all this will be yours.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Tom - you can't have pets in here.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- It's not a pet. - Well, what if I'm allergic to it?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Then you should leave. - Lobster meat is made of steel!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Even your girlfriend thinks so. - Oh...- Why would you say that?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Sorry, "girlfriend"?- That why we invited you here. Tom loves you!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Good thing she has a fetish for bin bags.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- Yeah. The other day he said you're the most beautiful girl in the world.- No, I didn't.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03The noble lobster shall never die. That's what Charles Darwin said.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Total shit - again.- Face it, you've got a bad taste in science.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- I'm right - you're wrong.- Shut up!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11SHUT UP!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Is it alive now?!
0:15:15 > 0:15:16WHACKING CONTINUES
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Maybe they CAN die.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34(Its face...)
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- I think we're just going to...- Yup.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- I can stay.- Fabulous!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It was going to die in the restaurant anyway.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Not like that.- Fair point.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55This is the best party ever!
0:15:58 > 0:16:03This is Flat News, as flatmates face the aftermath of the "package party".
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Can I...- Go around!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07The flat receives another package.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08- Parcel for flat four?- No!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And Emma's case is apparently vindicated.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14This is Flat News.