0:00:02 > 0:00:03Feed my funny!
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19GANGSTA SOUND EFFECTS PLAY ON MOBILE PHONE
0:00:19 > 0:00:20S to the A to the J to the ID!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Sajid in your face, uh-oh, uh-oh! Man, I bust a cap in your face!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Uh-oh, uh-oh!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26And then I did a kick up your face! Uh-oh, uh-oh!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28GUNSHOT, CAR TYRE SCREECHES
0:00:28 > 0:00:30SOUND EFFECTS OFF
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Sajid, it was shit when you were 13 and it's still shit now!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36My lyrics are timeless. Still gangsta.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Ah, it's Auntie Fatima! SHOP BELL TINKLES
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Sorry, do you do moustache wax?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44ALL: No!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47What's with all these new white boys round here?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Like my father says, the moustache cannot be grown.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It must be earned.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Oi, Webby, what did your mum do to earn her moustache?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58A lot of steroids in the '80s. Oh, yeah, my mum texted me.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00She's cleaned the bolognaise off the TV,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03so Grand Theft Auto's round mine tonight, yeah?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Again?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07All we ever do is sit on your mum's stinky beanbag,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09gunning down prostitutes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10MEN GASP
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- It's a game. - SHOP BELL TINKLES
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Yo, we're shut...!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25You really don't get a lot of women in here, do you?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Dad says you've got to fix the restaurant alarm. It broke again.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31What, Dad said that? Cool, I got this!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Try playing hard to get, he might like you more.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35THEY ALL LAUGH
0:01:35 > 0:01:37CHILDISH VOICE: I love my daddy!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- A man should respect his father. - Sorry.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I can't hear you with your dad's dick in your mouth!
0:01:48 > 0:01:52OK. So, er, where are you going tonight, Yazmin?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You look...lovely.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Nelson's party.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Nelson, yeah?- You know him? - Yeah, yeah, we go way back.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Yeah, he used to mug you at school.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Like, banter, it was banter mugging. Maybe see you there.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I thought we were killing prostitutes tonight.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09In a game.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- In a game.- This is why women don't come here much.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Why are you telling my sister you're going to Nelson's?
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- We never go to those parties, and Nelson hates you.- Face your fears.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Plus your sister's banging.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Talk about my sister again and I'll snip it off.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36And then Jay-Z said to Auntie Fatima,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"If anything, you're fitter than Beyonce. Will you marry me?"
0:02:41 > 0:02:42You should marry Yaz tonight.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Oi, fly to Vegas, I'll be like the best man/emcee.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47What are you lot talking about?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- TOGETHER:- EastEnders. - Can a horse eat a bear?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Yo, Bolts, real talk o'clock, right?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I've been thinking about your dad. You do too much for that man.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You take a leaf out of my father's book. He just does his own thing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Webby, your dad sells meth to school kids.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Yeah, like one time.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Oh, my days. A real party. With no aunties!
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Listen, if Nelson answers, leave it to me. Yeah? He ain't no big deal.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13He's, like, what, this tall anyway?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Yeah, yeah, small in body but big in that time
0:03:16 > 0:03:20he bitch-slapped you in front of the whole netball team and you cried.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Thanks, man. Glad we had this.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This big!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Ah...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Nelson. It's Jazzie from...from school.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Banter.- We're not going to just take that, right?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Nah, nah, nah, nah, but his boys are in there, right?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Because if it was me and Nelson, I would end that boy. Listen...
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Don't he know I go gym, I will teach that pussy a lesson!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06The lesson that we need to make
0:04:06 > 0:04:10peace in the streets or forever be locked in a circle of violence.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Amen.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- What you sayin', Jizzie? - Oi, you best back down, blud.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Cos you see, my man...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21He's got a strap!
0:04:21 > 0:04:27He's got a gun?! You brought that here? My grandmother's asleep, bruv!
0:04:27 > 0:04:28You're a dead man!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36There's no shame in running away.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- And hiding in a wheelie bin.- Look, how do I know you don't have a gun?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Because we've never even seen a gun.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44My cousin knows the guy that shot Bin Laden.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Or maybe it's the other one. Gandhi?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47No, Gaddafi.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Wait.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Gandalf.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Where did you disappear to last night?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And why the fuck are you wearing them dotty shorts?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Don't know. Must have left my trousers at the party.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Most likely, right, pulled the sexiest girl there,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02she kept them as a trophy.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04You sure you didn't just get drunk, lose your trousers
0:05:04 > 0:05:06and have a wet dream again?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Yeah! Like, like 70, 80% sure.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15- Wait, you got into Nelson's? Did he say anything about me?- ..Nah.- Nah?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Nah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Actually, yeah, he said he wants to kill you.- Oh, shit!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Mum said she'd buy me a suit if I had to go to a funeral.- Nice.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25What kind of kill me? Like angry text message kind of kill me
0:05:25 > 0:05:28or Crimewatch UK kind of kill me?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Just chill out, man.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Nelson lives two or three buses away. That's, like, £5.20
0:05:32 > 0:05:34on the Oyster card. You ain't worth that.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Also, if you're in a different postcode,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39he can't legally shoot you dead. Trust, I know the law of the streets.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I think they did a thing on it on The One Show.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45From now on, forget those parties. They're for kids.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47My sister's little crew love them.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Always hooking up with the hosts, like, "Let me suck your dick,"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Just cos he threw a party, like.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Pathetic!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Wait...
0:05:56 > 0:05:57No, no, no, no, no.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12OK.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I have considered your arguments.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Jazzie, I agree, there comes a time to step out from our
0:06:17 > 0:06:21fathers' angry shadow and show the responsibility of hosting a party.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25And Sajid...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- I'm choosing to ignore your comments concerning my sister's honour.- What?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31All I said was, if your sister brings her fit mates,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33then statistically an orgy is...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Do you want me to punch you in the dick again?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- I do not.- OK!
0:06:38 > 0:06:44So, I have decided in my father's absence, we can have the party here.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Yes!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Rule one - nothing precious or holy in this house can be exposed
0:06:50 > 0:06:52to sin, and we are covering it all up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Swear down, this Muslim stuff is scary.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Sajid, your whole family are Muslim. - Yeah, but we're Pakistani, innit?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Your lot are Middle East. - They're from Cyprus.- Whatever.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03They all get trained in Afghanistan to hate our way of life.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Dad was trained in Acton to make garlic kebabs.- Yeah. For terrorists.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10OK, next rule.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Nothing haram happens in the house. That means no drinking. Next...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15WEBBY OPENS A CAN
0:07:17 > 0:07:20What, from now?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Next rule.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24When the call to prayer sounds,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27all partying must stop at once in respectful silence.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Hasn't it got, like, a snooze button?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32We cannot snooze Islam.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33It's like a design flaw.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35OK. Next...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- nobody goes in the good room.- What?!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44That was going to be arena two. Old school classics.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Maybe some sexy slow jams!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49That room is a shrine to my mum's memory. OK?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- But your mum's not dead.- Well...
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Dead to my dad, innit, since she ran off with that guy from Abra Kebabra.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04OK. Next rule - no-one looks at my sister.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, sorry, I thought this was my front room
0:08:08 > 0:08:10but it appears to be the Middle Ages.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Well, you should maybe consider dressing more respectfully.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Amazing you're still a virgin, isn't it?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Just for the record, I am not, so...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Will you invite your fit friends?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Please.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Don't worry. They'll all be here...
0:08:24 > 0:08:25in full burqa.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Oh, and by the way, you've got a nerve being all Taliban Gok Wan
0:08:30 > 0:08:31when you hang out with that.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32HE SNIGGERS
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Taliban Gok Wan!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Just change them shorts!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# I want your body Everybody wants your body
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# So let's jack
0:08:42 > 0:08:44# Let's jack
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# I want your body Everybody wants your body
0:08:47 > 0:08:50# So let's jack
0:08:50 > 0:08:52# Come on, let's jack
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# I want your body Everybody wants your body
0:08:55 > 0:08:56# So let's jack... #
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Yo, so when's everyone's trousers going to fall off for this orgy, man?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Yo. Why you stressing?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Oh, you're worried Nelson's going to turn up
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- and shoot you like blap, blap, blap! - Nah...- Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I spoke to Bolts. Yaz just invited close friends.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Weird how no-one we invited came.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Look at these guys around Yaz - they're all, like, harder than me
0:09:21 > 0:09:24or richer than me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Where the beautiful girls with poor, weak friends at?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Look, I know tonight's like your big chance.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's going to happen for you two.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Quick question. What's your thoughts on threesomes?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35What you lot talking about?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- EastEnders. - Can you live inside a...whale?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40PHONE VIBRATES
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, shit, it's Dad. It might be the restaurant alarm.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I'm going to pull the plug on this party.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Why don't you pull that daddy-shaped plug out your arse?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51S...sorry.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Nah.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'm sorry. Maybe you're right.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Maybe it's time the chilled me came out.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Oi, no shoes in the house!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Fuck off!- Or swearing!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06MUSIC: "Move Back" by Stylo G
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Webby, talk me through this.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21In case that girl from Nelson's turns up.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Can't remember what she looks like. - Or if she's a wet dream.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, but I reckon she was into my moves.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So it's just a process of elimination,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31like a sex version of The Voice.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- OK, good luck with that. - Ay, yo, real talk o'clock.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39This trouble you got linking up with Yaz, yeah?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Solution - be more like me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Why?!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Raw sexual energy. You got to stop being weak with that girl.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Step up, bring it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Dominate!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Excuse me.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06This is my one shot.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- there's vomit on his sweater... - Yo, shut up, man!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Yaz, listen.- Oh, my God.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24A load of black guys just turned up.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I mean...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29the...scary kind.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Huh!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Nelson!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Er, how was the journey?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Two, three buses?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Don't shoot, man.- Shoot?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Bro, ain't no-one here got no gun.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You and your little friends been playing way too much computer games, rude boy.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59No gun? Ah!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, man! You're right.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I've been playing too much Grand Theft Auto, man, you know
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- the bit when you get...- But!
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I'm going to punch you in the face until you cry like a little bitch.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh, you all want to film? Yeah, wagwan, YouTube, what you sayin'?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15This yoof is about to get knocked out, rude boy!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You said you and Nelson were cool. That's why I invited him,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I thought you lot would be lonely, with no friends.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Don't worry, this is very much just banter.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Yo, bitch is about to die.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Don't worry, it's cool, I've got this.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31..kittens - everything! Kill his fish, shit in his bath. Bad man.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Fine!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Me, you, outside!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Oh, respect, fam. Therefore, honour.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I'm not going to lie to you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51My heart is beating so fast, the second I get outside,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53oh, I'm running.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57See you outside!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01In maybe like...
0:13:01 > 0:13:0230 seconds.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Bad boy for life!
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Ahh!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Hey, Bolts, your dad's here.- What? - Your dad's here.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Taliban Gok what?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30What's he talking about?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32(I think it's some kind of terror plot.)
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Papa...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Look, Dad, I'm sorry
0:13:44 > 0:13:46but I think I'm old enough to be treated as a man now.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And I personally made sure that everyone's been respectful.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52CLOCK PLAYS "CALL TO PRAYER"
0:13:54 > 0:13:57IT CUTS OUT
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Oh...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Kind of killing the sex vibe in there.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You're a single man nowadays, innit, Mr Yildiz,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17you're what I'm talking about.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I'm sorry about the disturbance earlier,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32but I work well in a team and I'm goal-orientated.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I think I could be an asset to your catering business.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38OK, maybe a bad time.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Nice moustache, man!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48The boy can twerk.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I'm...sorry about...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- you know.- What? Starting a fight in my house?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Your mate exposing himself to my dad?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03OK, it's unhealthy to dwell on the past, yeah.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07You know, of all my brother's weird little mates,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09you're kind of all right.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12If you could just stop acting like a dick.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14THEY ARGUE
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Wait there.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Mr Yildiz, wait.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31This was all my fault.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I pushed Bolts into having this party.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35If anyone should get into trouble...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43..then it should be me.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Then you're dead, you little prick!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Yo, actually it was Bolts's fault. Sorry, Bolts, laters, peace!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58C... Come on, fam.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Your dad will get over it.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The good thing is, we've all learnt from this.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06SHOP BELL TINKLES Player!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You're a disgrace.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Yeah, it's true, Jazz, you did kind of disgrace yourself last night.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12What?! Me?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Fam, you're the one who exposed your weird, white,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17wrinkly ball bag to the whole party.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Jealousy's making you ugly right now, man.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I bet you develop a sense of shame, of dignity.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Is that Nelson? HE SHRIEKS
0:16:25 > 0:16:28No, my bad, it's someone else.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Lucky for him, fam.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35What?