0:00:11 > 0:00:15Since the dawn of time, man has looked up at the stars
0:00:15 > 0:00:18and asked, "Am I alone in the Universe?"
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Stupid question!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23What he should have been asking is, "Are the aliens dangerous?"
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Which is another stupid question!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Am I right, Matthew?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Well, no complaints here.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- But don't take my word for it. - Really, don't.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Come and see for yourself,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38as we take you on a tour of
0:00:38 > 0:00:40the Otherwo-o-o-o-o...
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Fucking arms!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44..o-o-o-o-o...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47SNORTS ..o-o-o-o-orld!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Fucking useless, Matthew!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Here we have another lucky holiday-maker,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55fresh from the portal to Earth.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57First, she'll be given a free flower garland.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Then it's straight off to the wellness clinic for her free
0:01:00 > 0:01:03mandatory alien implantation.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- It's like having your very own personal tour guide.- Hmm.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09The short, five-hour liver shaving
0:01:09 > 0:01:13and intestinal truncation is utterly painless, isn't it, Matthew?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Well, I was awake the whole time and I could feel the scalpels...
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Utterly painless! I mean, just look at all those happy tourists.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25I wonder which one of our wonderful attractions they'll visit first.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Matthew! Matthew!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Wh-What about one of our many municipal zoos?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Now, why didn't I think of that?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Get it together, Matthew!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47OK, guys, I think that's it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Cha-Cha, if you could remember to come INSIDE Su, OK?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54All right, I dinnae need a map, pal.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Well, your vagina's at optimum temperature. Well done.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Just go, Ken, please.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Let's save pandakind, right, guys?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Aye!- Yes.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- How do you like it, then? - Uh...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15The sex, how do you like it? Normal, from behind?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Normal!- Cowboy? - Normal is fine...for this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Ah. Right enough.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And what, gentle? Quite rough?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Oh, God. Look, let's just get it over with, OK?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Oh. Well, I... I might not be able to...
0:02:31 > 0:02:32you know...
0:02:32 > 0:02:33What?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- WHISTLES - Oh, right, well, that's a shame.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Not had a chubby for three years, to be honest,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40not since Ling-Ling.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Oh, right, we're talking about the ex, are we? Well, was she nice?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Oh, aye! Big, white head, black eyes, proper looker.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Oh, right, why don't you think about her, then?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh. Aye. Worth a pop, I suppose.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Right. Ahh...
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Ohh, there she is. - Oh, God.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Oh, hello, darling.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Jesus. Really?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03KNOCK AT DOOR
0:03:03 > 0:03:09Sorry, guys. I think I left my phone.... Hey, Su.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12You tired him out quick, you little temptress. Well done.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Nothing happened, Ken. Nothing's going to happen.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Don't be like that. As soon as you get acquainted...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- He's not my type. - What is your type, Su?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You know full well what my type is.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I can't stop thinking about you, Ken.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Please, Su, we've been over this, it can never work.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Why, Ken? Because you're a man and I'm a panda?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- YES! - SNORES
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Ohh, sorry about that, darling.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Right. Oh, I am ready to rumble!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Off you pop, Ken, nobody likes a pervert.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47SPITS
0:03:56 > 0:04:00'It's the children, Jane. They're all dead, they're all dead!'
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, we make great movies here on Otherworld.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Hey, Matthew, what's your favourite film?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Close the portal, save yourselves!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Hmm, never heard of it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15But do you know who I have heard of? Reese Witherspoon.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Oh, please. Witherspoon...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Matthew isn't a fan of her work. - I'm just not a teenage girl.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24"I'm just not a teenage girl"! Just watch the damn film!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28'When life can't get any better...'
0:04:28 > 0:04:30So, what did you wanna tell me?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I got into Harvard.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Oh, my God, Brad! That is so great!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37'..it can only get worse.'
0:04:37 > 0:04:39So, I think we should break up.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Oh, my God. Is this because of my blowjob mouth?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46'But getting ahead in law is hard,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49'when you look like you give head easy.'
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yeah, I'm upset because of a boy
0:04:51 > 0:04:54and I'd like to inquire about enrolling into law school.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Enrolling.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No, enrolling.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04E-N-R-O-L-L-I-N-G.
0:05:04 > 0:05:10I'm in? OMG, Bruiser, we are totally going to law school!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12YAY!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16'So that the world starts to see that it's not what goes into
0:05:16 > 0:05:19'her mouth that counts, it's what comes out.'
0:05:19 > 0:05:23It's the new girl. You wanna borrow some moisturising foundation...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25for your knees? Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Can't you see, you bitchy legal types are only hurting yourselves?
0:05:30 > 0:05:35'So sometimes, all a girl can do is get her head down and work.'
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Oh. So, that's what mitigating circumstances means.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Hey, babe, how about you get your gums round my plums?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Objection, you asshole!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Whoa! You're intelligent.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I think I'm falling in love with you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58PLASTIC SQUEAKS
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Is it not the case, Your Honour, that it is only
0:06:01 > 0:06:04the presence of inexcusable facts
0:06:04 > 0:06:08and not mere appearances that should totally help us reach a judgment?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Objection, Your Honour!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12This little slut doesn't know what she's talking about!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16You will not call Miss Bendy Wendy a slut in my courtroom!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh! Thank you, Your Honour.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26'When the world won't take a woman seriously, love is the law.'
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I am so proud of you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Now.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35'Legally Blow Up Doll. This is one opportunity she's not gonna blow.'
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Ah, nothing like reading a book by a roaring fire
0:06:44 > 0:06:47in one of our many country pubs. Eh, Matthew?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Actually, this is the first time we've ever read a book.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Ha-ha-ha-ha, he's joking!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- OK, and why don't you name a book? - Name a book?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- One of the books you've read. - All right, name a book.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Easy. Fire...Chair.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Oh, Fire Chair? - Yes, Fire Chair.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Fire Chair. Who wrote that again? - Who wrote it?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Hmm.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09M-Matthew... Human.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13OK, erm, Stephen Fry, why don't you finish this sentence -
0:07:13 > 0:07:15The Lion, The Witch and the...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Lion Witch.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18- No.- Fire Chair!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Stop saying Fire Chair! - Internal haemorrhage!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22No...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24AAAGHH!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26SCREAMS ECHO
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Oh, spleen!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Psst!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Psst! Coo-eee! Hello?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Who's that? - It's me, wardrobe.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50MUM!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't have to worry about all that!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I'm a special, magical wardrobe!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Have you heard of Narnia, like in the films?- Yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Well, you know how they get there through a wardrobe?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And it's all fairies and that?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well, I'm a magic Narnia wardrobe too.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Friendly polar bears and...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13James McAvoy's walking around in here somewhere,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17with his big, hairy horse legs! Would you like to come and meet him?
0:08:17 > 0:08:22All you've got to do is step inside and most importantly of all...
0:08:22 > 0:08:27believe... believe...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh, good boy, that's it. Believe...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Oh, that's it...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36FLIES BUZZING
0:08:36 > 0:08:39DOG BARKS
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I know what you're thinking. Looks a bit different in the films.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Never mind, you're here now.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46It was for your own good.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49You have to learn and pain is the great teacher.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Thank you for my lesson.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Well, you make me hurt you, Maa... As you can see,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Otherworld boasts excellent medical care,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59which is perfect for Matthew,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02with all the silly scrapes he gets himself into.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I only have myself to blame.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06But sharing a body is a two-way street.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Matthew provides me with food, shelter
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and somewhere to go to the toilet.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16And I, in turn, have to put up with his incessant bleeding, ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Oh, not this shit again!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Come on, Matthew, stay with me!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Don't quit on me, soldier!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Barkeep! The paddles!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Right! Charging! Clear!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36SCREAMS
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I must say, I'm most disappointed in your sudden memory loss.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I had it on good authority that you were a right old clever clogs.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I told you, Bill, I don't know anything.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48That's Mr Potter to you, son.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Only my old mum calls me Bill.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53And I don't remember you putting out
0:09:53 > 0:09:55my school uniform of a Monday, do you?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58SCREAMS
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Can you keep it down, mate?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Some of us are trying to get some kip round here.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08SCREAMS
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Oh, balls to this, I'm off out.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Now, you little ponce. You better open up,
0:10:14 > 0:10:15before I have to do it myself.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Please, Bill.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Mis-ter Pott-er!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Potter. Mr Potter! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Dad.- Yes?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28The window's shut.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Yes, Popcorn, Daddy has closed the window to contain
0:10:31 > 0:10:33the sound of this pillock screaming his Jacobs off.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Now, go and play with one of your toys or summink.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39All right. Don't piss your knickers.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42SCREAMS Now.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Has that brought memory lane back into sharp enough focus for ya?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I don't know what you're talking about!
0:10:48 > 0:10:53POPCORN COUGHS AND RETCHES
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Hairball.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00POPCORN COUGHS AND RETCHES
0:11:11 > 0:11:12You done?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I find it rather perplexing, young man,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21that you have the minerals to come snooping round my manor,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25yet you ain't man enough to tell me the truth.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Shoo, you little prick!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Thanks. That got it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Right. I've had enough of this.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Time to resort to more traditional methods.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- No, no! - Too late, my boy.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42My patience has been worn to a thread.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46SCREAMS
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Now, you got anything you'd like to say?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Actually, yeah, can I have that ear, or is it going in the bin?
0:12:00 > 0:12:04There's nothing sadder than losing a loved one.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07But here on Otherworld, that's not a problem!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Because we have the technology to bring the dead back to life!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15And there's nothing better than living...here.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Well, actually, Matthew, there is one thing better than living.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, what's that?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23It's Otherworld's tradition of lavishly executed
0:12:23 > 0:12:25live musical theatre!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Musical theatre? This day couldn't get any better.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Ha-ha-ha! What a magical world this is!
0:12:31 > 0:12:37PIANO INTRO
0:12:41 > 0:12:45# Last night I dreamed of what my life might be
0:12:45 > 0:12:50# In the wild, a long way from here
0:12:50 > 0:12:55# My love, he was there, he was holding me
0:12:55 > 0:12:59# But when morning came, he disappeared
0:12:59 > 0:13:03# So I sit here in my cage and rock, rock
0:13:03 > 0:13:07# Not with guitar, but with stress disorder
0:13:09 > 0:13:14# I'm counting the minutes on my menstrual clock
0:13:14 > 0:13:18# Facing my fear, my mental torture... #
0:13:18 > 0:13:19You see...
0:13:19 > 0:13:23# I don't want to fuck in public
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# This isn't a panda peepshow... #
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Why aren't the pandas shagging?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31# I don't want to fuck in public
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# I'm not fucking German, you know! #
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Das ist so!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39# I don't want to screw in front of you
0:13:39 > 0:13:43# So take your damn cameras and go! #
0:13:43 > 0:13:47# The respect they give me? Well, it's just for show
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# This mouth is for cross-examination
0:13:50 > 0:13:55# But they all think it's for fellatio
0:13:55 > 0:13:57# And hope I have a muff with vibration... #
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Well, do you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# I don't want to fuck in public
0:14:02 > 0:14:06# I'm not just a dumb, plastic ho!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10# I don't want to fuck in public
0:14:10 > 0:14:14# They all suck, just cos I blow... blew!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18# I don't want to screw assholes like you
0:14:18 > 0:14:21# The law says that no should mean no! #
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Objection!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26# Can someone please ring the police for me?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30# And a doctor would be really awesome
0:14:30 > 0:14:33# There's a magical land inside of me
0:14:33 > 0:14:37# I've got more snow than Nigella Lawson... #
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Allegedly.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# We don't want to fuck in public
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# This isn't Big Brother, you know!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45# So put away your penis
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# We don't want to fuck in public
0:14:49 > 0:14:52# Colin Farrell, the answer is no! #
0:14:52 > 0:14:53'No breakfast, lunch or dinner?'
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# We don't want to screw in front of you
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# I won't give a sex tape a go!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05# Last night I dreamed of what my life might be
0:15:05 > 0:15:09# My body whole, I could make love again... #
0:15:09 > 0:15:13He's joking, of course! He still has great sex!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Every two months I lay my fertilised eggs in his scrotum, to grow and
0:15:17 > 0:15:22hatch through his tear ducts, it's very fulfilling, isn't it, Matthew?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# We don't want to fuck in public
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# And we won't give dogging a go... #
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, that's a shame.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# We don't want to fuck in public
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# No, this isn't that kind of show! #
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Oh, yes, it clearly is!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# Last night I dreamed of what my life would be
0:15:41 > 0:15:45# If they left me to screw in some privacy
0:15:45 > 0:15:50# Last night I dreamed of what my life would be
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# If they left me to screw in some privacy
0:15:53 > 0:15:57# I never want to fu-u-u-u-u-uck
0:15:57 > 0:16:05# In public aga-a-a-a-a-a-ain
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# We don't want to fuck in public. #