0:00:02 > 0:00:05Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# I bet the neighbours know my name
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Way you screamin', scratchin' Yellin'
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Bet the neighbours know my name
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# They be stressin' while we sexin'
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# I bet the neighbours know my name
0:00:16 > 0:00:17# My name, my name
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# I bet the neighbours know my name
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# My, my, my... #
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Where have you put my starch?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Doesn't anyone knock around here?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in and shitted on the carpet.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32This isn't your carpet.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- This isn't your house. - This isn't YOUR house.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I don't see your name on the mortgage either, Kadean.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37There's nothing for you in here -
0:00:37 > 0:00:39just like the salad selection of a menu.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Dad, Dane's calling me fat!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Don't call her fat, Dane.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I only came in here for my starch.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45And to check that you were OK, sweetheart.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Because, frankly, he was a late bloomer,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50so, I'd be surprised if he met your needs.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51KADEAN LAUGHS
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Are you people serious?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Have you even ironed this?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56How are you going to get anywhere at work with these creases?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57GUNSHOT
0:00:57 > 0:00:58I was just offering to iron it.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And I told her no. I don't need my girlfriend to iron my shirts for me.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04As far as I'm concerned, if you can't iron a shirt properly,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06how are you going to satisfy a woman?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07SHE GAGS
0:01:07 > 0:01:08I can satisfy women, Mother.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I can satisfy A woman.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Just the one. So...
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I'll be going now.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Bye, Mrs Mackenzie.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18- Bye, Kadean. - Mm.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, bye, Dane.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Good luck with the appraisal.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Fingers crossed.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Don't cross your fingers! I don't care about this appraisal!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I hope you're being careful, Dane.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I'm careful, Mother.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I've seen you almost go out without your shoes on before.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And you always leave the light on.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Do you realise I'm nearly 30?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Do you realise you still live here?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Do you realise you're adopted?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Do you realise we're twins, fool?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That's what they want you to think.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Meanwhile, there are two rhinos
0:01:42 > 0:01:44crying on a wildlife reserve somewhere.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Bitch.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Argh!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Or a Transformer...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56or a ninja...
0:01:56 > 0:01:57or Knight Rider.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I wanted to be a lot of things.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02But I'm none of those things.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I'm a 29-year-old man who still lives with his parents.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I don't want to make this look like a social network status...
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Not looking forward to work on Monday - LOLZ!
0:02:12 > 0:02:13But here goes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17My name is Dane, and I'm an account manager in an office.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE Save your applause.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me it's not a dream.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24As in, sometimes I have to pinch my own balls
0:02:24 > 0:02:26so I can stay awake through this bullshit as a nine to five.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28This is my mother.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Earth goddess. Nit-picker.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33This is the first woman I was never able to satisfy -
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and still can't, to this day.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38# Maybe you're just like my mother. #
0:02:38 > 0:02:41That represents half of all my pocket money,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43birthday money and childhood Christmas presents.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45We had to share everything.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Relatives, McNuggets...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You say I'm a twin - I say I was born divorced.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52This definitely isn't Disney.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Hey, Brad - I got a date with Tiffany.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55but I don't want to go.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58That blows, Chad. I've got a science mid-term, but I have to study.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I've got a great idea - why don't we swap places?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02No-one will ever know!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Yeah!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05# All the small things... #
0:03:05 > 0:03:08There were no hilarious swapping antics -
0:03:08 > 0:03:11she and I just got the same cheap shit in pink and blue.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14PSYCHO VIOLIN STABS
0:03:14 > 0:03:15My dad.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17MUSIC: O Fortuna by Carl Orff
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Father, philosopher, feeder.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22He made me the man I am today.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24He's kind of wondering what happened with that.
0:03:24 > 0:03:30Families can barely afford a house, but they want to tax your bedroom.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Foolishness.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Dad, do you ever feel like your life is going nowhere?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Mine...
0:03:39 > 0:03:40or yours?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I've got this appraisal coming up at work.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's making me feel kind of trapped.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I feel like other people are making my life decisions for me.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50You see this armchair?
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Sometimes life involves a bit of hardship and suffering.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It take a tough hide... WHIP CRACKS
0:03:58 > 0:03:59..to deal with it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02You know what kind of service industry they had
0:04:02 > 0:04:04when I was your age, Dane?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06National.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21So, I'm going for this appraisal at work,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23so I could potentially get a promotion.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24For what?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Longer working hours, a slight increase in pay
0:04:28 > 0:04:30that'll be totally irrelevant after tax.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32We shouldn't have to do this.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34We shouldn't have to do this!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36We shouldn't have to be packed like sardines to go to a job
0:04:36 > 0:04:40to tread water economically and bottom-feed socially as wage slaves.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42MUSIC: Jerusalem Is that why I'm doing this?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Is that why I'm here?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45MUSIC STOPS
0:04:48 > 0:04:50PHONE VIBRATES
0:04:56 > 0:04:58# Every day I'm hustlin'
0:04:58 > 0:05:00# Every day I'm hustlin'
0:05:00 > 0:05:01# Every day I'm... Every day I'm...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03# Every day I'm hustlin'. #
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I wonder if most of us can remember the point
0:05:05 > 0:05:06at which we suffocate our dreams
0:05:06 > 0:05:10and accept the reality of working in a depressing job.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I want to be a personal assistant, to make someone else's job easier.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I want to be a project manager,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18so I can hide behind an ambiguous job title.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I wanted to be an astronaut.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23How did I get here?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25PHONE BEEPS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58EXPLOSION
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Who am I?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06What?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Who...am...I?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10GUNSHOT
0:06:10 > 0:06:11GUNSHOT
0:06:11 > 0:06:12RICOCHET
0:06:12 > 0:06:14My manager.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Alan Shearer!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19England versus San Marino, 1996!
0:06:19 > 0:06:25No, you see, I'm more of a captain - and you, you are on the bench.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28But don't worry - you'll be moving up to the first team soon.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Excellent.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You know who you remind me of?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Mario Balotelli.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39How so?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh, come on, Dano - you know.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Banter!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Urrrgh!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You'll know this - why does Balotelli keep switching teams?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I don't know.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Will Kanye West stay with Kim?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I don't know.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55ALL: Dane, Dane!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Can you explain the difference between twerk and swag?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And is bling still a thing?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02ALL: Dane, Dane!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05How do black people show up in X-rays?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I will not be a spokesperson for diversity.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08This is what happens
0:07:08 > 0:07:11when you allow your only ethnic role models to exist
0:07:11 > 0:07:13in sports and entertainment - but since you ask,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Mario Balotelli was adopted, so he may be prone to erratic behaviour.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I wasn't present at Kim and Kanye's wedding.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Nor am I a collaborator on his album.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23And before you ask...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I don't know anything about Obama's policies, OK?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29He's the black president, not the president of black people.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And we're black people, not ThunderCats -
0:07:31 > 0:07:33he doesn't go into the White House and go...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37"Black people, black people, black people, ho!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:38and we all start running.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:46 > 0:07:48It's appraisal time, Big Dizzle.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Dizzle?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Yeah, like Snoop Doggy Dogg, man.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS For shizzle.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Right, let's crack on with the formalities.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Get these hoops jumped, and this time next year you - YOU -
0:08:00 > 0:08:03could be looking at senior account manager.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's the dream.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06All in the game, mate.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Right.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Right.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14Would you say that you have a passion for excellent customer service?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Yeah, sure.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Go on.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18What?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Well, say it!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I have a passion for excellent customer service.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Good, yes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30So, if you were a drink, what would you be?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Um...I'm not sure.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Let's say concentrated OJ,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39because of your Simps... Focus.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Right, would you say you were a brand ambassador for the company?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Spearheading its values of innovation and content delivery?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'm a brand ambassador for...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Wait. - What?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'm afraid I can't do this.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm sorry, I'm not with you, Dano.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I heard you speaking to the director today.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Yes, mate.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09You have to get in...with the gaffer to let him know that you...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13..are on his toes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15You asked him what he was doing for lunch.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17He said he might get a sandwich.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18And you said...
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Sure thing, boss.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22What would you like? Subway? Pret? Greggs?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I could run out, if you want - because I can.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26It's no problem.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Do you want MY sandwich?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Really, Steve, is that what it takes?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Not only do they want my time, my youth,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36but now they want the food in my mouth.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37No way.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Number one, this is my life,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and number two, this is my chicken breast with barbecue
0:09:42 > 0:09:46and honey mustard with extra lettuce and avocado, on a hearty Italian sub,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and I'm keeping them both.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And you - this is not a pitch.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52We are not playing football.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53You are not a coach.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55This is work. We are working.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I am so tired of hearing corporate shit,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00like, "Let's get this done by the end of play."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03This is not a game. I'm not on a hundred grand a week.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Did you get an endorsement deal from Pret or Greggs?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Cos I didn't, Steve!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Sandwiches aren't free, and I paid for mine,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11and neither you nor the gaffer is having it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13And that's it for me.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Today's the day.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16This is my sandwich.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21HE SIGHS
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Classic Balotelli.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30What have I done?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34So, what did you want to tell me?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Did you get the promotion?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Don't worry about that.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Um, how was your day?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I changed three catheters today.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I'm literally taking the piss out of other people.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44That's kind of what you do.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Good one. Um...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I kind of made a decision.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Thing is...
0:10:49 > 0:10:50He's lost his job.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Kinda walked out.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Can you let me tell it in my own words, please?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I lost my job.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05I kind of walked out.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06So...
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Firstly, I am so proud of this big step that you've taken.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13And secondly, I'm not lending you any money.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16This isn't about money - this is about me doing something meaningful.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Have you heard of kundalini?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19No.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23It's where you see the dream, you fuel your goals with energy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25It's what I do every day.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26After breakfast.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yes, Sam, congratulations to you for achieving your dream so early.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Happiness is the goal. - Great.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Success is the key.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Good.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- I agree with Sam. - Do you, Nicola?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Cos it looked like he just said some words and you just nodded your head.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Listen to me. Do you know how hard it is for people to leave their jobs?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Nobody does that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46This is a great day for you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47You're right.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49This is a great day.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Now go tell your dad.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52I can't tell my dad!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Dane...
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Rolling stone gathers no moss.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I don't even know what that means.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I'm not going by myself.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15All right, dole scum?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16How do you know?!
0:12:16 > 0:12:17It's that twin psychic thing,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19where they both know what the other one is...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I texted her.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Ah. - You need to shut your mouth.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24If I want your opinion, I'll look down the toilet.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I'm not the one going to work security at Spearmint Giro.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Save your hostility for whoever keeps feeding your fat arse Krispy Kremes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Daddy, tell him! - Go on, Dane.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Dad...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Dane.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Are you busy?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38No.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Cos I can come back, you know, if you're...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Dad, I've got something to say.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I'm tired of being treated like a sheep, Dad.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50A cog in the corporate machine.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I can't keep greasing the wheels of this bandwagon
0:12:52 > 0:12:54that's leading us to capitalist oblivion.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I'm not cut out for a nine to five.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I can't thrive in that environment. I'm meant for something else.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01I know it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03That's how the conversation looked to me.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07But to my dad, the conversation looked a little something like this.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I have dreams, Daddy.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# Fame
0:13:10 > 0:13:13# I'm gonna live for ever
0:13:13 > 0:13:16# I'm gonna learn how to fly
0:13:16 > 0:13:19# I feel it coming together
0:13:19 > 0:13:24# People will see me and cry. #
0:13:28 > 0:13:29So...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32What are you telling me, exactly?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I can tell you!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Mum, I told you not to answer my phone any more!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Dane isn't an account manager any more.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41That's what I've been trying to tell you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He's a senior account manager! He's been promoted!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45What?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48STEVE: 'Welcome to the first team, Mario.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50'I like your passion.'
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- Congratulations, Dane. - But...
0:13:51 > 0:13:55For a minute, there, I thought you were telling me that you'd quit.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Nicola?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Congratulations?
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Who'd have thought it? My Dane, senior account manager!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I've got something senior you can manage.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I hope you can manage to keep your fat fingers out the fridge!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08You can't talk like that any more, Dane.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Not now you're senior account manager!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16But gangsters don't tend to be living with their parents.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20So, I'm going to have to become a Transformer.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Or at least transform this current shit into a dream.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Because I can't do this for the rest of my life.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Something has got to change.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Knob.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# Good morning
0:14:38 > 0:14:40# Good morning
0:14:44 > 0:14:45# Good morning
0:14:50 > 0:14:51# Good morning. #