0:00:02 > 0:00:06Fresh, experimental comedy from BBC Three.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08So, the school says it doesn't matter if it doesn't suit her face shape,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11you can't cut another pupil's hair without their permission.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14It's, like, you try and do something nice for people
0:00:14 > 0:00:16and they throw it back in your face.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17So, without even asking,
0:00:17 > 0:00:20he chucked me in here with a load of nutters and weirdos!
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Er, is that language helpful, I wonder?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Mainstream education isn't for everyone,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29but that doesn't mean our little group are all weirdos.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I love jellybeans. I like to draw pictures of them.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Why do we have to wear these crap stickers, then?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Ah-ah-ah-ah, that's not an Elmswood word now, is it?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What isn't? "Crap"?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Crap's a swearword now? What the fuck?!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Any word is a swearword when you say it with anger in your heart.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47That was fucking beautiful.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Right, can everyone please just stop swearing?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- I don't like the word "fucker". - "Crap" is not a fucking swearword!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55But it was fucking beautiful, Linda. That's why I said it!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Jellybeans...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Right, this type of language is NOT constructive.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01But you said "wanker" to a man called Greg on the phone.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02That was her husband.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04To be fair, she could've used a worse swearword.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Shut the fu...! Five-minute break, please, everyone?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09MUSIC: Calculator by Micachu and the Shapes
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I've got something to tell you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23They'll put me back into normal school, soon. Definitely.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25No offence to you and Kieran,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27but I'll be glad to see the back of these mental cases.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, you shouldn't say that, you know?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It stigmatises us as young people and hinders recovery.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Speak for yourself. There's nothing wrong wi' me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Smile, ladies! It might never happen.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It already has happened. We're in a mental unit!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Help us, help us!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And I don't know why I'm single.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I'm, like, catalogue model levels of good-looking.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- How come I can't meet anyone? - Because you've got a boyfriend.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I wouldn't say "boyfriend".
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Fat Shane's more this guy I know with a car.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That's not very nice!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's easy for you. No-one finds you attractive.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Actually, that's what I wanted to tell you, but...
0:02:00 > 0:02:03But Fat Shane's got this mate, Danny.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I mean, he probably fancies me, but...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I think Lauren's trying to tell you something.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- What is it? - I got this from Erin.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"When I look into your eyes,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"I feel like a volcano that's going to explode and fuck up a village."
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You should go out with her. You're both lezzies.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yes, because all lesbians fancy each other(!)
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Do you know that hole in the wall of the upstairs toilets?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That was Erin. She punched through it
0:02:27 > 0:02:29after Linda said she couldn't come to Deep Sea World.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Ssshhh...she is terrifying!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33I don't know what to do.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37You have to shut this down before it gets out of control.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40If she tries to give you anything else, chuck it back in her face.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Anyway, might not be so bad. I heard she's turned over a new leaf.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So I says, "If you'd just have bought spreadable butter,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"I wouldnae have to kick you in the tits, bitch!"
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Sorry. "I wouldnae have to kick you in the chest, Mum."
0:03:00 > 0:03:01See? New leaf.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07That's, um... Thank you, Erin.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12And now, it's a big week for Megan, who turns 18 this week.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Any exciting plans?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Oh, dear.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18That's a shame.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Um, Kieran?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I want to make a jellybean Olympics.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27And, like, the 100 metres could be the small, straight ones...
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I've got something for you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Ohhh, Erin!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Didn't see you there!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh, wow!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Another...gift!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Who's...who's Holly?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Dinnae even worry aboot her, hen. That cow's dead tae me.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And dead.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50MAB CLEARS THROAT
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- I don't think I can... - What?!
0:03:55 > 0:04:01..find the words to thank you for such a thoughtful gift.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05SHE MOUTHS
0:04:05 > 0:04:08KIERAN: I like to go to the park sometimes and then go on a swing.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09And if you hold them up really high,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and then you pop them in your mouth, they're really cold.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15D'you want to come round to mine and watch Dark Duck tonight?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18It's the Hungarian remake of Black Swan.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It's about ballerinas.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21And fingering.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24That sounds great.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Pal. - Pal?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Er, girls, we only speak when we have the integrity stick.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, my God. I've just found Danny's Facebook
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and it doesn't say he's in a relationship.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It's like I'm MEANT to move into his flat!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46MOBILE RING ALERT
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Wait till you hear this pleb.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49'Hey, baby.'
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Hi, "babes".
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Listen, we're having a get-together tonight.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- I thought you'd like to come. - No.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56All right.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Never mind, we're only going to Danny's anyway.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- I'll be there. - Really? But you just said...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Shane? I don't know what I'm saying half the time.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I'm a very sick girl. Why d'you think they put me in here?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Lauren and Kieran are coming, too. - Kieran?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Isn't he the one you said shat in a girl's gym shoe at school?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, no, that's...a different Kieran.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16He went to school wi'...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Mab's on the phone to Fat Shane.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20What did he say?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Who knows? Poor Kieran, he's so lost in his own darkness right now.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Aren't you, Kieran, you big maddo?!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Did he say "fat" Shane?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Anyway, I've got to go. You're still driving us to the shops
0:05:31 > 0:05:33for lunch, though, right, and paying?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Oh, yeah, sure. And I can read you a new piece I've written about us.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37OK, babe?
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Right. Tonight, I am going to go to that party and discreetly pull Danny.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43That's decided.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47It's written in the stars. He's got a flat AND a car. What's wrong wi' you?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I told you to shut this down. You have got to give it back.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53She'll slit my throat, though.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57And now I've said I'd go watch some weird film with her tonight.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59No! The gifts!
0:05:59 > 0:06:03The poem writing! I mean, I know I'm more decisive than you,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05but I would not stand for it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It was just another day as a wage slave
0:06:07 > 0:06:10at Lothian Alliance call centre.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14But this was one working-class hero who wasn't about to be ground down
0:06:14 > 0:06:16by the capitalist hegemony.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I feel her arousal gush all over my face.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I begin to move inside her,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25in and out, in...
0:06:25 > 0:06:30I ejaculate powerfully into her, draining myself.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Our planets collide.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35That's what I call a Big Bang.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43That...was...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Thanks(!)
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I liked it.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Aye.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Are you staying at mine later? - Of course not!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What's the point in going out with someone older
0:06:55 > 0:06:57if they're going to live with their parents?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Cheers, Shane. - Cheers, Fat Sh...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Aw.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Thanks!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Thanks for the lift, Fat Shane.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ah!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10If you liked that, I've got more, like Sexual Symbiosis.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It's about my experiments with Tantric breath play.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Sorry, I can't hear you!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21It is essential that I pull Danny tonight.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23ENGINE IGNITION FAILS
0:07:29 > 0:07:33This afternoon's workshop will look at managing confrontation.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Will it help us deal with being patronised?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Ooh, what was that?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Sounds like somebody speaking without the integrity stick.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45Now, today, we're going to look at a tactic called distraction.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I want you all to think of something that makes you really angry,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and then we're going to use distraction
0:07:51 > 0:07:53to think of a funny memory.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Ha-ha! I like to think of the time
0:07:57 > 0:08:01my husband Greg took a sip of his tea
0:08:01 > 0:08:04then heard Rangers had been relegated
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and spat it out...
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Ha-ha! Everywhere!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15All down his new jumper!
0:08:16 > 0:08:19CONVULSIVE GIGGLING
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Just, oh, there's hot tea, and, oh! Ha-ha-ha!
0:08:26 > 0:08:30SHE GIGGLES He just looked so silly!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, dear!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Ah-ha-ha! Fun times!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Do you want to go first, Erin,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44starting with the thing that makes you most...most angry?
0:08:44 > 0:08:49Right, well, it would have to be when that cow, Holly, was still here.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51See, I done a drawing of us.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52And she turned me down.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Right, now, turn that into something positive.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Well...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02after I kicked the shit out of her,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05she was crying and trying to say, "No, stop it!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:09But the blood, it was pure pouring out her mouth,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and she couldnae get a word out!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And that felt pretty positive!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm not sure that's quite what I meant, but good effort, Erin.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Hey, look, I read this thing that says
0:09:30 > 0:09:33when someone stands with one foot pointing at you, they love you!
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Look what I've got for tonight.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's what people drink when they have their own flat.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Caber-net Sauvig-non.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45If Erin finds out that I went to a party without her, she might...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- I can! - I'm inviting Susan, and Mavis.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I was going to invite Carol, but I ate her.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You are not inviting Erin.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Being seen anywhere outside of here with Kieran is a stretch.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'm sorry, Mavis!
0:10:01 > 0:10:02But she is crossing a line.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06You heard what she did to Holly. I have no choice in this!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, my God!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10We're going to have to have sex, with each other.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Except obviously you don't,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15and you're not inviting her to the party either, OK? Promise me.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I won't invite her to the party.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22In fact, I'm going to go over there right now
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and tell her to give me some space.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Our naked bodies mingled together.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Wet, satiated in symbiosis.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Then she had a go on my dick.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That was fucking beautiful, pal!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Now let's go and get PISHED!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42LAUREN WHIMPERS
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Hello, how are you?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Your place is massive, Danny.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Do you not get lonely here, all by yourself?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Well, actually, I live with...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Leanne.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Oh, look at all of yous.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09And here's me all out of Blue WKD.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Hi(!)
0:11:10 > 0:11:11(Who's this bitch?!)
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Let's watch my DVD.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16We should probably eat first. I don't know. Are they a couple, or...?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'm going to have to find out. Subtly.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20So what's the deal wi' yous two?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I'm his lobster!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Don't be hard on yourself. You're not bad looking for an older...
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Lobsters mate for life. It's in a Woody Allen film.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31- We love Woody Allen. - We do.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Me too!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Toy Story's amazing! Huh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LEANNE LAUGHS
0:11:41 > 0:11:44You need to check if his foot's pointing towards you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It doesn't work if you're sitting opposite each other.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Look, the point is, we've been going out for two years.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51And you didn't think to share that wi' Facebook?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- Isn't it a bit pathetic to do that? - Hmph, yeah, it is. Pathetic.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58But useful, if...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I think the whole social networking thing only degrades
0:12:01 > 0:12:03the purity of what we have together.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Facebook statuses can change, but this?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08This is for life.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Aw, nice tat! That's deep! Deep stuff!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I'm thinking of getting a Buddha.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I want something to reflect my spirituality.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18And your shape.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I'm going to get a tattoo of Susan. Naked.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Right on my chest, here.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Kieran, why are you wearing that?
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Oh, look, the pictures. Look, Erin from school.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36That's a great toilet you've got there.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Thanks...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You really need to take that off, or she's going to take my...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Aw! Erin, you're rubbing my leg again!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45And what were you two talking about?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Well, the film!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Why don't we watch the film?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49We're in the middle of a meal.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51The lady wants to watch a film.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53The lady watches a film.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So what has this lobster woman got that I don't?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I don't know. But can you get that locket back before Erin kills me?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's because she's sophisticated. That's why Danny's with her.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Well, I can do sophisticated, too.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12What the hell is this? It's totally weird!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Aubergine Parmigiana. I made it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Totally weird how amazing it is!
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Mmm!
0:13:21 > 0:13:27It's based on a recipe that we found in Italy. Have you ever been?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Course I have.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Where do you think I got this Caber-net Sauvig-non?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Which is, of course, a red wine.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42GENTLE MUSIC AND SENSUAL PANTING
0:13:43 > 0:13:44I love this.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Where's your necklace?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Er, I'm keeping it somewhere.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Very...safe.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So why's it not...?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Er, this film...is so good.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Ah!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08That chicken was so-o sophisticated.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It was duck, a l'orange.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Wow! You speak Italian?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14He isn't interested!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16What does she mean by that?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Are you blind? She's been trying it on with him all night!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Fuckin' tryin' tae watch a film here!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23That is not what I've been trying to do, at all.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24(Unless...)
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'm right here!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oi! I told you! Shut it!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30This is my house.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Erin, try turning it into something positive.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34See? This is what happens
0:14:34 > 0:14:36when you invite daft wee lassies to a dinner party...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38from the fucking madhouse!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Have you got something tae say tae me?!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I'm tryin' to watch a film wi' ma burd here
0:14:42 > 0:14:43and you're nabbin' away in my ear.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45All this talk, but where's it going?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48What do you say you and me go smoke a J in the garden?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I don't have any drugs.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I've got some Prozac in my bag.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54It doesn't do much, but maybe if we take, like, four at once,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56go someplace more quiet, yeah?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Oi! You trying to pull my boyfriend?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01How's your face now, bitch?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What are you doing to my beautiful face?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You both have lovely faces! Everyone does.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Right, I'm no' done wi' you. Square go!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10That fingering bit was just coming up!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13THEY SHRIEK
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Where'd you get that?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Have you been stealing from my fuckin' burd?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Erin, no! Stop!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I gave it to him, because...
0:15:22 > 0:15:28..er, well, we've all got our pluses,
0:15:28 > 0:15:29we've all got our minuses.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I just...I just don't fancy you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36What, you dinnae like lassies?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40No, it's just you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Wargh!
0:15:42 > 0:15:43DVD: 'Dark duck.'
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Ow!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I'm the Dark Duck here, bitch!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58MUSIC: Nowhere by Micachu and the Shapes
0:16:04 > 0:16:05IGNITION FAILS
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Here, Shane, now would be a good time to start driving!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Sure you don't want to stay and talk to Danny?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Come on! You know I...love you,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I just don't say it, because it would destroy the purity of it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Do you really mean that?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20ERIN WAILS AND THUMPS CAR
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Yeah!
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Danny's foot was totally pointing towards you just now.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I don't know if he realises his feelings for me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33If I see you or any of your mental friends near this house again
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I'm calling the police!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35ERIN RAGES
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I think he does!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39MUSIC: Calculator by Micachu and the Shapes
0:16:39 > 0:16:40No!