0:00:02 > 0:00:04'You're through to Phil and Ramona. Leave a message at the...'
0:00:04 > 0:00:05BEEP
0:00:05 > 0:00:08'University is brilliant.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11'Me roommate's called Sophie and we're drinking Jagerbombs?'
0:00:11 > 0:00:12BEEP
0:00:12 > 0:00:16'Me and Sophie joined an online casino. They pay you to join!
0:00:16 > 0:00:17'Easy money!'
0:00:17 > 0:00:18BEEP
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'Could you send me 500 quid?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'I'm not in trouble...everything's fine,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'but I do need that 500 quid.'
0:00:25 > 0:00:26BEEP
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'I just want to say, I really, really love you,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'and I really, really love Sophie...
0:00:33 > 0:00:35'..and cocaine!'
0:00:38 > 0:00:40BEEP
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'Mum? Dad? I'm gay.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:43BEEP
0:00:43 > 0:00:47UPSET: 'I'm not gay! And I hate Sophie!'
0:00:47 > 0:00:48BEEP
0:00:48 > 0:00:50'I need you to come and get me today.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52'I can't explain, just come soon! OK?'
0:00:52 > 0:00:53BEEP
0:00:53 > 0:00:55'Everything's fine!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56'Do not come and get me.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59'Whatever you do, do not come and get me.'
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I don't see why I've got to come home for the weekend.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09You've totally overreacted. I'm 19.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And in the space of two months you've taken hard drugs,
0:01:12 > 0:01:16lost all your money to an online casino and may or may not be gay.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Which is absolutely fine if you are gay.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Are you gay?- I'm not gay!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24We're not angry with you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Everyone goes through a bit of a wild phase, don't they?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29When I was your age, I drank three pints of cider and fell in The Wear.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Look, I get it.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37You were worried about me, you're my parents, it's what you do.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And do you know what, Mum?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41A weekend at home'll probably do me good.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm glad you said that
0:01:43 > 0:01:46because you're not going back any time soon.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49GRUNT OF EFFORT
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Never too old for a child lock!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Phil, wind the window!- Oh! Er...
0:01:55 > 0:01:56HATTIE SCREAMS
0:01:56 > 0:01:57You can't keep me here!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59HATTIE CRIES
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What are you doing back there?!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Get off me! HATTIE CRIES
0:02:08 > 0:02:11You haven't got a car, you don't have enough money for a rail ticket
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and now you haven't got any shoes either. So, yes, I can!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16This...is insane!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Give me back my shoes!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Dad, tell her.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It's not forever, just until you're feeling better.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Until we are satisfied you are feeling better!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Dad...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32What say we go inside and have some bramble slop, hey?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I picked these myself.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44There might be some tiny bits of twig in there, but...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49We're only doing this cos we care about you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Do you want to talk about it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52With you two?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56You think Dad's got something insightful to add, eh?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Dad?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00The early bird catches the worm?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02DOORBELL
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Shall I get that?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09- Phil, the keys!- Oh, yeah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12You really think I'd steal Dad's car?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I don't know what you do when you're on drugs.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm not on drugs!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19That's exactly what someone on drugs would say.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Look who it is!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Hello...Vincent.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I knew you'd come back. You are back, aren't you?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27She's home for a while.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I'm leaving tomorrow.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I don't understand. Is this university humour...?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah, that's it. It's university humour.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40It's not for people who live in mean, conservative towns,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42full of hypocrites and their hen-pecked husbands.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45PHONE RINGS
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Oh, God, sorry. I have to get this.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Hello, Beth.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Yeah, no. I'm seeing Hattie, I told you I was.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Yeah. No, she's just me friend.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59She's a six and a half, yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Oh, no, she's more of a four, yeah. A generous four.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06No, Beth, please don't do it!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Hello?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Hello?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12So, how's things going with you and Beth, then?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- We're having a baby.- Oh!- Oh!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Why is everybody smiling? Has somebody died?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Hey! It's your Uncle Les!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Just Les. Still not a relative.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I will wear you down, Ramona.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26How did you get in, Les?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Ah, you left a key at mine,
0:04:28 > 0:04:29so I put it in a bar of soap.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Give me the key.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- But I made it myself.- Now.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37And the spare.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Do you know something, Ramona?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You really suck the life out of everything.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So, university not all it's cracked up to be?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Imagine it's very left wing.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Vincent, let's go and catch up outside.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56You can tell me all about Beth and your baby.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- I can tell you here. - No, you couldn't.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Well, this is something they don't teach you at university.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05What if I was to say to you
0:05:05 > 0:05:08that I could save youse £145?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Just think what that sort of money could buy you.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16£145.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17LES LAUGHS
0:05:17 > 0:05:18So, who's in?
0:05:20 > 0:05:24So, in the morning, we woke up and she told me she were pregnant
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and the...the baby was mine,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29so I had to quit me leisure and tourism course.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31But it's all right, though, you know, I got a job.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I'm a plumber and I've got my own van.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You've got a van?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Ah, yeah, full of pipes.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Oh... I've...missed you, Vincent.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Oh! Um...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh, Hattie, I'm getting signals.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Wow. Oh...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I knew we had chemistry, I knew it, ever since Steve Forrester chucked
0:06:04 > 0:06:07my PE kit on the bus stop roof and you climbed up and got it for me.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09He said you were my girlfriend, you hit him and he cried.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10But what about you and Beth?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Oh, Hattie, what have I done?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19One of us is going to have to leave Wetherby...for ever -
0:06:19 > 0:06:21it's the only way.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I've only been as far as York and I didn't like it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, I suppose I could leave,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31but I haven't got any money for a train ticket.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35So...erm...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I've got a van! I've got a van!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, Vincent! How can I thank you?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Ooh, we could kiss again. - No! No, we couldn't.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51PHONE RINGS
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Sophie?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Give me my money, you slag, or else I'll break both your legs.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58What are you talking about?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Sorry, that wasn't all the message.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Er... Give me my money, you slag, or else I'll break both your legs.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Lots of love, Mo.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Sophie, I'm coming!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Hattie, I think I love you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Six o'clock tonight. Bring your van and don't tell a soul.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Go.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Oh!
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Rawr!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Great.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Yes!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32MUSIC: The Things We Do For Love by 10cc
0:07:34 > 0:07:39# Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river
0:07:39 > 0:07:43# Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea
0:07:43 > 0:07:46# You lay your bets and then you pay the price... #
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Let's get going.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Yeah, I got you these.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Is someone at the door?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Hi, Vincent!- Hi.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh, hello, Vincent.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- PHIL:- Who is it? - Oh, it's just Vincent.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Hi, Vincent!- Hiya!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01We're about to have tea, I'm afraid.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Now, the lasagne box said, "Feeds two".
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I can stretch it to three with wedges, but not four.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Bye.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20You can't keep me here, you know.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Oh, yes, I can!- I hate this place!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Don't come crying to me when your dad eats all your lasagne...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28cos we both know he will!
0:08:37 > 0:08:38She'll settle.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Just got to give her time.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44SHE SCREAMS
0:08:49 > 0:08:51SHE SCREAMS
0:08:53 > 0:08:55HATTIE SCREAMS
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I told you she'd try the window.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Ooh, what's the occasion?- You.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Joy saw you coming home yesterday
0:09:08 > 0:09:10and the first thing she does this morning
0:09:10 > 0:09:12is bring this bloody thing over!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13- Aw.- No!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15That's all it takes.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16One person eats a slice
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and the next thing is I've eaten the whole thing myself!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Leave the beautiful cake be.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, if you're going to spend the day eyeballing a cake, can I please have my shoes back?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I'm dealing with my issues.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Until you start dealing with yours, you're staying here.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33- So, I could just...- No!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39I'll leave you two alone.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Please forgive me.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
0:10:19 > 0:10:22SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You're back very soon.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Something gone wrong?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I'm just back for the weekend.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54When we saw you come back yesterday, we thought something might've happened.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Something bad, you know.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You hear about students, don't you?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02All the sex and the drinking.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Drugs...
0:11:04 > 0:11:05It's going to be fine.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Did your mum get my cake?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Never mind the cake. Get out of my way.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It's a cul-de-sac, not a through road.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15There is a gate there for a reason.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Well, I'll just walk round the gate!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Simon! Gate! Now!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23What does that mean?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- This isn't a through road! - Well, it is now!- Simon!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- It's ringing.- Who's he calling?!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29This is not a through road!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Hello! Joy, Joy!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm really sorry about this.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Erm... Hattie's been away at university.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41You know, and she's not quite up to date with...with gate developments.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Simon's calling the police.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Yes, I'll hold.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Hattie! This is not a through road.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49It's a gate.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52This is a nice street,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54full of nice people.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56It's a cul-de-sac.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03It's drugs.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So, Les, you've wrapped your TV in tin foil.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Yep, rendering it invisible to the TV detector van.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20£1.50 expenditure on tin foil.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22£145 saved on TV licence.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Besides, I only ever watch Match of the Day with the sound down.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- And anything with bears in it. - God, I love bears!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33- You got any biscuits? - In the kitchen.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Don't touch the ones with the chocolate in them.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38So, you want out of Wetherby?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Uh... No, no. I'm glad to be back.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Liar! I can see it in your eyes.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43You know how I know?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Cos I see it in my own eyes when I look in the mirror in the morning.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47I thought you loved it here?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Well, apparently after 30 years of living in Wetherby, I don't.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51I was a fool to leave Belfast.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I'm an eagle and this place makes me small.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Take me with you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I can't make it on my own. Besides, you're clever and you've got a full driving licence.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I know, but Mum's locked the windows and doors, and she took my shoes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Don't worry about that. I'll sort that. Codename - Soaring Eagle.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07So, anyway, I says to your man, right,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"I'm going to keep putting it through your letter box until you can show me it's against the law."
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Checkmate. - LES LAUGHS
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You're out of biscuits, Les,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17and there's a dead badger in your fridge.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That's not for you.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Soaring Eagle.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46How was Les?
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Odd.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49He's made his choices.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Hey, do you want to come play a trick on Uncle Les?- Yeah!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Hey, you know what? I thought coming home would be hard, but it's not.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's a piece of cake.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00What?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Up yours, Yentob!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- And it didn't cost me a penny! - HE LAUGHS
0:14:15 > 0:14:17PHONE RINGS
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Hello?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20- POSH VOICE:- Lesley Markham?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'm calling from the television licensing department.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Who gave you this number?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- I don't... - SKI SUNDAY THEME
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I don't have a TV.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29We've been watching you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31In fact, we're outside now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You're in a lot of trouble, Mr Markham,
0:14:35 > 0:14:40but if you follow instructions, you'll make it easier on yourself.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Face the television.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I knew it!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50They've been watching me through the TV the whole time!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Mr Markham, for security purposes,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I need to know the name of your celebrity crush.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Rachel Riley.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Can I remind you it is an offence
0:15:00 > 0:15:03to lie to the television licensing department?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Carol Vorderman!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07It's always been Carol.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10PHIL AND HATTIE LAUGH
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Phil?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13THEY LAUGH
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Don't make me small!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Don't make me small!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20THEY LAUGH
0:15:20 > 0:15:22PHIL LAUGHS
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Phil! The keys!- What? Oh...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You don't trust your own daughter?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30No.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Note to self - kill Phil.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Mr Lesley Markham? I've come about your TV licence.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50LES LAUGHS
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Do I look stupid?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You can tell Phil from me that I've got three TVs -
0:15:55 > 0:15:58one in my living room, one in my bathroom and one in my bedroom.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00OK? I've got five shopping trolleys in the back garden
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and I steal the electricity from next door.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04You got all that?!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05I just wanted...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Les one, Phil nil.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Ah, I just wanted...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Excuse me.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Mr Markham?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24It's time for this eagle to soar.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Come in.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44This is not good enough.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Er...it's got to stop.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49The drugs, the gambling, the...escape attempts,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51it ends tonight.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53HATTIE LAUGHS
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Mum told you to come in here and bad cop me, didn't she?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Yes...maybe.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Oh, I love you, Dad. Don't worry.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I'll tell her that you came in here and busted me balls.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Pow!- Thanks, Hats.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You know you can tell me anything, don't you?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Yeah, of course. Same here.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It's just...we get your bank statements delivered here and...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28This line keeps coming up, erm...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32£100, £100,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34£100.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38And the banking reference is, "More money for drugs".
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I haven't told your mum. You're not in any trouble, are you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Do I look like I'm in any trouble?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You couldn't do us a favour, could you, Dad, and open the window?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It's just that it gets really stuffy in here.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59HE SIGHS
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Sure.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Call me when tea's ready?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13I love you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I love you too, Dad.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33SHE SCREAMS
0:18:35 > 0:18:38MUSIC: Breakin' Down The Walls Of Heartache by Johnny Johnson & The Bandwagon
0:18:40 > 0:18:43# I'm a mad man who's workin' the morning
0:18:43 > 0:18:46# Heading for the walls of heartache
0:18:46 > 0:18:50# Working every day, I'm bringing you home the pay of heartbreak
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# You are gone and the walls are higher
0:18:55 > 0:18:58# And they're built on the tears you're crying
0:18:58 > 0:18:59# Oh, I got to bring you back
0:18:59 > 0:19:02# I'm working till the day I'm dying. #
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Didn't like it but I did it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yeah, law laid down.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I think you'll find she just might be staying put.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh, Phil,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31you make it too easy.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Please...please!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Please! Please! Please!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- God! - GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Like taking candy...from a baby.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Goodbye, Lesley Markham.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Go in peace, my son.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- ENGLISH ACCENT:- Go in peace, my son.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40PHONE BEEPS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Hattie! Tea's ready!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58See, I always thought blancmange was a savoury jelly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Turns out it's a completely different pudding.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'll go and get her.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Mmm...smells good. What's for tea?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Er...it's Sunday - burgers and salad.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Salad optional.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Thanks, Mum.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Soaring Eagle!
0:21:45 > 0:21:49THEY SCREAM
0:21:54 > 0:21:57THEY SCREAM