0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Oh!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18MUSIC: Tightrope by The Stone Roses
0:00:18 > 0:00:24# You should've been an angel
0:00:24 > 0:00:30# It would've suited you
0:00:30 > 0:00:37# My gold-leaf triptych angel
0:00:37 > 0:00:43# She knows just what to do
0:00:43 > 0:00:48# Long way down... #
0:00:57 > 0:00:59PHONE RINGS
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Not now!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20No! Go away!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21HE GROANS
0:01:25 > 0:01:29"Momma's special cream."
0:01:29 > 0:01:31PHONE RINGS
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Tim, are you there?- Aw!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Hey, get out of bed, you crippled fuck!
0:01:38 > 0:01:39You have that interview today!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45And you better not be playing your "Poor Timmy" act
0:01:45 > 0:01:49otherwise they're going to send your ass back to the States.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Quasimodo, you hear me?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You've got to stop dreaming
0:01:53 > 0:01:57like you can fucking draw cartoon characters with your crayons!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It's not going to work out, baby!
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- Did you get my package? - Yes, Mom.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You've got to rub it in your hands, all that cream, OK?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And you start from your neck down.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- You can do that.- Yep.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13How many other people have you given it to?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14- Just you.- OK.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18You're the only one that has cerebral palsy.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's going to help you and it'll make you feel better.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- OK.- Hey, and put your fucking shoes on, dammit!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I have to go now.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Bye, Mom.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Goodbye!- I love you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32SHE LAUGHS
0:02:32 > 0:02:33I love you too, honey.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Go get them, baby! Go get them. I'll call you later.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I love you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42# Old MacDonald had a farm
0:02:42 > 0:02:45# E-I-E-I-O! #
0:02:46 > 0:02:48BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Hello, Idris. - There you go.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54So how did it go?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58They're so greedy.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- What are you talking about? - The gays.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Their flag - disabled people don't have a flag
0:03:04 > 0:03:07because the gays took all the colours.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- How was it?- What?
0:03:10 > 0:03:15The interview, the 37th job interview we've sent you to.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Did you smash it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22My job is your job.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I send you down any road to get you there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31How many roads must a man walk down...
0:03:31 > 0:03:35# Before you can call him a man? #
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Bob Dylan.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46You know, I used to think that I could not go on
0:03:46 > 0:03:51and that life was nothing but an awful song.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53R Kelly.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Please tell me you went to the interview.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You did actually turn up, didn't you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:07# If I can see it then I can do it
0:04:07 > 0:04:13# If I believe it there's nothing to it
0:04:13 > 0:04:17# I believe I can fly
0:04:17 > 0:04:21# I believe I can touch the sky
0:04:21 > 0:04:26# Think about it every night and day
0:04:26 > 0:04:28# Spread my wings and fly away... #
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's a long song this, isn't it? It's a long song.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Excuse me, erm,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46do you have cerebral palsy?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Yep.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50My brother had that.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Mm-hm.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54He died from it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01You don't die from cerebral palsy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06You killed your brother, didn't you?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17HE LAUGHS
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Missed the goddamn bus again.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Every time.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Just how hard did you nail the interview?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, no way, Dominic said he won't come.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He wants to go to a better place.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"A better place where the barmaid doesn't look like a sumo."
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Oh, my God! He's sent a picture.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43That's hilarious. Literally, look at that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44That's literally you, isn't it?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You can't get angry when it's factual. Classic Dominic, isn't it?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51It's like you in a nappy and he's not bloody wrong, is he?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Classic Dom.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh!
0:05:57 > 0:05:58HE SPEAKS WELSH
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Excuse me?- Yeah?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Idris, is it? That's original, isn't it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Yes, it's Welsh. - Right, blimey, tell Luther that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's hilarious. Idris.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11SHE LAUGHS
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What's this?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- That's disgusting! - Look at this, look.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23How are you going to get a girlfriend
0:06:23 > 0:06:25with shit like this going on?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The reason I don't have a girlfriend
0:06:28 > 0:06:34is your mom wants to keep it casual.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38You're 26-year-old and you're still doing "your mom" gags.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Yeah, you're better than that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Your mom gags... Your mom gags all the time.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Let's now think about your interview.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51So tell me what happened. No, don't tell me.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Let me guess.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57They asked you where you saw yourself in five years' time
0:06:57 > 0:07:01and you said you would be the eyes of the blind...
0:07:02 > 0:07:07..the ears of the deaf and the voice of the voiceless.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh, Idris...
0:07:11 > 0:07:15In five years I'll be dead.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22But in 1,000 years I'll be brought back to life
0:07:22 > 0:07:28because by that time every company will need a disabled person
0:07:28 > 0:07:30to fill their quotas,
0:07:30 > 0:07:36but there'll be no disabled people left, so they'll have to clone me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Then everyone else will have to quit
0:07:39 > 0:07:44and then they'll have to resort to a life of crime
0:07:44 > 0:07:49and then I'll have to arrest the entire planet
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and build a prison on the moon.
0:07:52 > 0:07:58Then all the Tims will look to the heavens and will scream,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"Is that what you want, Idris?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Is it?- "Is it, Idris?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I just want you to stick on...and get a job.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- "Is that what you want?"- It's not...
0:08:09 > 0:08:10MUSIC: The Roller by Beady Eye
0:08:10 > 0:08:14# Just call me the roller, ah-ah
0:08:14 > 0:08:18# I'll squeeze and unfold you
0:08:18 > 0:08:22# Call me the roller
0:08:22 > 0:08:26# I just gotta show you
0:08:32 > 0:08:35# So you been crawling through a maze
0:08:36 > 0:08:39# An alcohol lemon haze
0:08:41 > 0:08:43# I've been watching you for days
0:08:43 > 0:08:45# You've been outta sight... #
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- It's cosy in here.- Mm.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11LIFT: Doors opening.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14He did this to me.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Just put me out of my misery. Did you get the job?
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Maybe I'm not disabled.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Maybe land is not my forte.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39How long have we known each other?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Five months now.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Five long months.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46One of them was February.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57You came to me afraid.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01A fresh-faced young graduate with a dream -
0:10:01 > 0:10:06that he'd be judged not on the motion of his feet,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09but on the contents of his comics.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I offered him the gentle lapping waves
0:10:13 > 0:10:16of a fixed-term temporary contract.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Did I not offer asylum where once there had been
0:10:20 > 0:10:25the looming threat of a late night knock at the door
0:10:25 > 0:10:28from immigration enforcement?
0:10:28 > 0:10:33But there comes a time when we just have to be normal.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38We have to brush our teeth.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40We have to comb our hair.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Sometimes we have to put shoes on when we go outside.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47We have to wake up in the morning
0:10:47 > 0:10:51and stare at the man looking back at us in that mirror.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And we have to say to him,
0:10:54 > 0:10:55"Why can't you be normal?"
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Why can't you be just like everybody else?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04HE GROANS
0:11:04 > 0:11:06He's doing that.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08He's doing that now...he's doing that now.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He's playing up on it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Maybe you're just unemployable.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Just tell him.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16OK, fine.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Yes, I like aquaerobics. Do you?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31So...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44So, Timothy Rencow?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- It's "Kow".- Kow.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Kow.- Cow.- Kow.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Kow.- Kow. Kow.- Rencow.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Renkow.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Let me tell you a bit about our magazine. Hm?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05See. here at Mother And Child Magazine we aim to encourage
0:12:05 > 0:12:09and inspire and empower parents to raise their children
0:12:09 > 0:12:13as naturally and holistically as possible.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Is that something you can relate to?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Yeah. You know, just the other day me and a friend
0:12:27 > 0:12:34were walking down the street and we saw a women breast-feeding a child.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Lovely.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38And my friend looked at it and he went,
0:12:38 > 0:12:43"Oh, my God! That is disgusting!
0:12:43 > 0:12:48"Why can she do that but I can't piss on the street?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:52So I was like, "Well, it's kind of different
0:12:52 > 0:12:57"because your penis is very weird
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"and you're not feeding a baby,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04"and if you are feeding a baby, you should stop."
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I don't want to talk for your readers yet,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13but I think they'll agree with me
0:13:13 > 0:13:19when I say it's very hard to find an excuse to piss on a baby.
0:13:23 > 0:13:30OK, look, I know I need to apologise about this morning at the bus stop.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35I just found out that my mother had passed away.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Ah.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Gosh, that's terrible.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Sam, I am so sorry I'm late.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I just had... So, Sean, this is Tim.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Tim's just had some horrible news.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52His mother passed away this morning.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Tim, I mean... Tim, do you want to reschedule this meeting?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You know what I'm thinking?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Next month's issue - the maternal bereavement.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09You could be the perfect person to help, sort of,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11put that together for us.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That would be wonderful.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Amazing.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19PHONE RINGS
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- HIS MOTHER:- 'Timmy, are you hearing me?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- 'Did you get the job?' - I'll see myself out.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35'Or did you pull some of your bullshit?'
0:14:44 > 0:14:46HE GROANS
0:14:48 > 0:14:50IDRIS LAUGHS
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I'm trying to have a phone call, actually.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I don't know what they're doing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:05# You should've been an angel... #
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I'm Eva.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11It's been very inspirational to meet you, Tim.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15# My gold-leafed triptych angel... #
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Don't leave me hanging. Yes! All right!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20HIS MOTHER: 'You better have got that job.'
0:15:20 > 0:15:24You know, in China they use people like you as slaves.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27'That's what they do. Don't make me come over there.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30'Hello?! Have you got a girlfriend?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32'Have you got something going on?'
0:15:32 > 0:15:34SHE LAUGHS
0:15:34 > 0:15:36'Tim!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39'Hello?! Honey! What's up?'
0:15:41 > 0:15:47# I swear I saw her angel wing
0:15:47 > 0:15:54# My vision was complete... #