0:00:02 > 0:00:04I've just been going through this crazy dry spell.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07I try talking to women, but it's like I reek of desperation.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09And it's not that I'm a sexual novice.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13I lost my virginity at 16, a year below the national average.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16The fact is, I'm a nice guy
0:00:16 > 0:00:19and women only want to get with bad boys.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Know what I mean?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Oh, yeah. Sorry.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29So, the dissolution of the monasteries...
0:00:29 > 0:00:33This programme contains some strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:36This programme contains adult humour
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- Alice, I'm bored. - Shh, get on with your homework.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41This isn't homework. You're making me do your tax return.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yeah, so you can learn maths.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Sebastian, tuck your shirt in. What will your new tutor think?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55All right? Sorry I'm late.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I came straight here from Latitude.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Are you Nicola?- Yeah.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02But my mates call me Neck, cos, you know...
0:01:02 > 0:01:03SHE GLUGS
0:01:07 > 0:01:11So, who's ready to learn Spanish?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I hired you to teach English.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Oh, thank Christ, cos I do not know Spanish.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17But hey, never turn down a job.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21SHE RETCHES
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Where were we?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31This dry spell is getting out of hand.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34My condoms keep passing their expiry date.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Why is it so hard to meet someone?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Maybe cos you spend all your time with kids and live with your mum.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Could be a factor.- At least you're not a live-in tutor.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43My kid's parents are never not fighting.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Plus, Bella's always on my case - "Oh, teach me, teach me."
0:01:48 > 0:01:49It's like modern-day slavery.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51But you live in Kensington.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Yeah, in an attic, like some Victorian madwoman.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57How is this my life? It's all right for you guys to be failures,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00but I was privately educated. No offence.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02How could that not be offensive?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Hey, at least it's just a stopgap.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05We'll move on better things.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ha!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08What's that, mate?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10This was my stopgap job...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13to pay the bills while I wrote my bestseller.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Now, ten years on,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17instead of sipping cocktails with Salman Rushdie,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I spend most nights shouting abuse at my pet lizard.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Keith, just cos you screwed up your life doesn't mean we will.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You want an image of your future?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Take a good look.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31MAN: Keith, someone's pissed all over the bathroom floor!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34HIP-HOP MUSIC
0:02:44 > 0:02:45DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Hi, Paul. Sorry I'm late.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50There was this crazy guy on the bus singing the whole of Cats,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52so I went a few extra stops.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Crumbs, Neck, I meant to e-mail you.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Simon's away at the moment,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58on holiday with his mother and her new husband.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I don't know why I do that. She and Hector are legally married.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Right, I'll...head off, then.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04You know, it's funny -
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I gave up my career to spend more time with my family.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Turns out they don't want to spend more time with me,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12so it's just me here now, on my lonesome.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Sounds shit. So... - Oh, no, it's not all doom and gloom.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I've been playing Call Of Duty on my son's PS4.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20You can play online, which is fun.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Although I do keep getting called a fag by American teenagers.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Oh, they'll do that.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh, shit. I could have done with that 30 quid.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I'll have to tell my landlord I'm in hospital again.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31What's more believable, car accident or scurvy?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I mean, I could, erm...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I could pay you to spend the hour with me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I'll be frank, I've been rather starved of company of late and...
0:03:40 > 0:03:41we could play Call Of Duty.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45You want to give me money to play computer games?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47As long as you don't call me a fag!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- How is this a lesson?- You're learning about the muscular system.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- This isn't fair.- Here's a lesson - life's not fair.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08If it was, Daddy wouldn't have been imprisoned for doing a tiny bit of
0:04:08 > 0:04:11major fraud and I wouldn't have to scrape a living with dumb kids.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- I'm sorry.- Apology accepted.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Now...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16MAN AND WOMAN ARGUE
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Jesus, get a divorce!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Daddy says he booked a trip this weekend
0:04:21 > 0:04:22to save their twisted husk of a marriage.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, sweet! So I get the whole place to myself?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- No, I'll still be here. - What, they're not taking you?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30No. Mummy says I remind her of the body she used to have.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, great, so now I have to be your baby-sitter, too?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34God, my life is torture.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35I didn't say stop.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- MAN:- You shrew!
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- WOMAN:- I hate you! I hate you!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- MAN:- You murdered my heart! You murdered my heart!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I need to end this dry spell.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Last night, I got a semi watching Poirot.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55In my defence, that murdered girl was stunning.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Just do what normal people do, pick up some randomer in a bar.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I hate bars, they're like meat markets and I'm, you know, Quorn.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Hey, there's someone for everyone.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Not true.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Sometimes you don't find anyone and end up buying a reptile just so
0:05:11 > 0:05:13there's another heartbeat in the house.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Mate, do you mind?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Point is, you never know what life has in store.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I'm off to play Call Of Duty with a middle-aged man.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- You're seeing that weird dad again? - It's a sweet deal.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He gives me money for my time and company.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's like I've invented a new job.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Very much the oldest job.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I mean, you do realise you're basically an escort?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Fuck off! It's not like a sex thing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Oh, it's a sex thing.- Oh, it is. It's definitely a sex thing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- There's a creepy older guy... - He is not creepy.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I mean, his dressing gown did fall open a couple of times,
0:05:47 > 0:05:48but he swore it was an accident.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Shit. It's the Ag Hags. - Who are the Ag Hags?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54They were, like, the most popular girls at St Agatha's. If they turned
0:05:54 > 0:05:56against you, you'd have an eating disorder by lunch.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Oh, aren't you going to say hi? - Are you insane?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Find out how crap my life is, I'll never live it down.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02- O-M-G, Alice!- Shit.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Hettie! Lucinda!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Haven't seen you since we left St Ag's!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- How the fuck are you, babe? - Genuinely incredible.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yeah, my life is exactly how I wanted to be.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, I'm so glad to hear it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21We and the rest of the gang are wondering where you've been.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Well...just got really into pills.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Went to this really sweet rehab clinic in Switzerland.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, God, I missed this.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31They seem awful.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I wish one of them would have sex with me.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Right, mate, we are going out tonight.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Neck, I don't want to go trawling around bars
0:06:36 > 0:06:38like some blue-balled tug boat.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41OK, fine.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43GIRLS LAUGH
0:06:43 > 0:06:46School was so jokes. Like, best time of my life.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Even when you wet yourself in ceramics
0:06:48 > 0:06:50then hid your tights in the kiln?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Lucinda! You're such a bitch!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What are you up to these days, Alice?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Pfft. Not really doing the whole job thing,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01more like, living off the 'rents, loving life.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- A-standard!- That's weird, cos I heard that your dad's in jail
0:07:04 > 0:07:07and your family is, like, bankrupt.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Pfft, hardly. I actually just bought a massive house in Kensington.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- Oh.- Oh, congrats.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You'll be having a house-warming, then.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Yeah, definitely. This Saturday.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- It's going to be mental. - And I assume we are invited?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Um...- O-M-G, you have to invite us, Als.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28If you don't, we'll tell everyone you're now morbidly obese.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Of course you're invited!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32To my house in Kensington that I definitely own,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34in which I'd obviously be allowed to throw a party.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I look forward to a memorable evening.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I like to pretend those German snipers are Hector.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Try bedding my wife after you've been blown up by my proximity mine,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- you Nazi!- Oh, I keep getting killed!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Try crouching while you shoot.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- How do I do that? - Give the L-2 button a squeeze.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Here, let me show you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Mate, is this a sex thing?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06God, Neck, no!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09That would be completely inappropriate.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10And what with my marital woes,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- I've not been able to maintain an erection in five years.- Oh, good.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I mean, not the erection thing.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Listen, you should just see me as an older man who happens to give you
0:08:20 > 0:08:23money to spend time with him. What's so strange about that?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Kind of all of it. - Oh, I suppose you're right.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29It's just nice to have someone to hang out with.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Last week, I flooded my own toilet
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- just so I could spend time with the plumber.- Wow!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I feel really bad for you that your life's so shit.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38I guess this isn't that weird.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Tell you what, I'll stick around.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Really?- Sure!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Cos when I see a fellow human in need,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I have a duty to help them and I'm going to do whatever it takes
0:08:47 > 0:08:49to cheer you up!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Gosh, Neck, that's so kind of you.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I mean, you'll keep paying me, right?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Absolutely!- Cool!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Neck, I appreciate the moral support,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08but I don't know if I can do this.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11All the men here have shirts and...haircuts.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Come on, pal, you're a real catch.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Ah, Francis! I very much hope you have intercourse tonight.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Who's this guy?- Paul.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22You know, the weird dad?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- I'm cheering him up. - And doing a top-notch job.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26It's lovely to be out of the house.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Also, I've just met this charming young filly
0:09:29 > 0:09:31whom I may proceed to woo.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Probs don't call her a filly, then,
0:09:33 > 0:09:34or use the word "woo".
0:09:37 > 0:09:39But what if I embarrass myself?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mate, if Paul can chat someone up,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44then you should at least be able to get a half-hearted handjob.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Thanks, Neck. You're right.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I am a catch!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Hello.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54One good thing about living with my mum
0:09:54 > 0:09:55is I have a very powerful shower.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Hello!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Bottled beer. Good choice.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Much harder to spike.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I mean, a lot of women are having pre-emptive surgery these days,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10because you can get breast cancer at any age.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm so sorry. I don't know how I got onto that.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17ASIAN ACCENT: I am most honoured to meet you.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20So sorry, I'm not racist.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I'm just very nervous.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25HE GRUNTS
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I don't know anyone who's died of cancer, but I'm sure I will.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You know, I'm probably going to die of ca... Fuck's sake...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33CONTINUES GRUNTING
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Made it worse, didn't I?
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Mate, that is the worst thing I have ever seen
0:10:43 > 0:10:45and I once saw two pigeons who were fucking get run over.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I'm officially giving up.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I can't take any more rejection.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Come on, this place is bangin'. Even Paul's making headway.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Argh!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I was just wooing you!
0:10:58 > 0:10:59I should check he's OK.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Hi. Sorry, I've been watching you strike out
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- and it's genuinely impressive how bad you are at this.- Thanks.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14But you keep trying. You're like one of those inflatable clowns -
0:11:14 > 0:11:15no matter how many times you get punched,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17you just keep popping back up.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Yeah, it's official - I'm going to die alone.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Well, I think it's cute.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24OK.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Can I...buy you a drink... of alcohol?- Might be an idea.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I am most honoured... Yeah, let's get that drink.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Her name's Sabina and I think she might be the one
0:11:35 > 0:11:36to end my dry spell.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Plus, I'm pretty sure it's not like some messed up sex game
0:11:39 > 0:11:42where she takes you back to hers and it turns out she has a husband
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and they lock you in a cupboard and you have to listen to them
0:11:45 > 0:11:46having sex for two hours!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It'd be really unlucky for that to happen more than once.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Alice, do you mind if I invite Paul?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Obviously. It's meant to be a cool party, not a sad dad convention.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Come on, mate, he's in a really bad way.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58First, he got Maced by a filly
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and then his ex-wife called to say his son might not be his.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Fine, but he's not allowed to talk to anyone.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ooh, caviar!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- I thought you were broke.- Yes, I am, but the Ag Hags can't know that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Why are you so desperate to impress a bunch of clowns
0:12:09 > 0:12:12who play polo and fuck their cousins to keep the bloodline pure?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Because, someday, I'll get back to where I'm meant to be,
0:12:15 > 0:12:16and, when I do, I don't want people knowing
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I was some shitty little nanny.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Alice, can you help me with my homework?- I'm talking to my friends!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Wait, the kid's still here?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Yeah.- Doesn't that mess up the whole secret party thing?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Neck, do you mind?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Oh, my...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Mmm...- Mmm...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Wow, you're perfect!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45You're not so bad yourself.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Now, let's end that dry spell.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Oh, please, God, yes!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50THEY CHUCKLE
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Wait, wait, wait, wait!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Look, there's something you should know about me.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Whatever it is, I don't care.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Well, you might care. I kind of have this fantasy...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Ooh, kinky!- It's kind of strange.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- I like strange. - Sort of a role-play thing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Role play's cool! I can be a sexy...farmer
0:13:08 > 0:13:11who's all sweaty from milking cattle and getting EU subsidies.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I can't get turned on unless my partner is dressed up...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Great.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18..as a baby.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- A baby?!- Like, a human baby?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I mean, she seemed like a normal woman, apart from fancying me.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Oh, that is so messed up. What did you do?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I asked if I had to wear the nappy.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33There was a nappy?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36She seemed pretty set on it, so I pretended to have IBS and left.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Oh, mate, I genuinely thought you were going to get some.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Plenty more fish in the sea.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Yeah, the thing is, I'm thinking, maybe I keep seeing her?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- You mean...? - Shag someone in a nappy.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Maybe the nappy is negotiable.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I mean, there's compromise in every relationship.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You'd still be boning a baby lady.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54But she's cool and funny and fit,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56and just because she has one slightly alarming kink,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59does that mean I should just throw the baby out with the bathwater?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01And yes, I immediately regret using that phrase.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Francis, it sounds like you really like Sabina, so,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06maybe you should give things another shot.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Yeah?- Definitely.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Right, Neck?- Sure.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Oh, thanks, guys.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Yeah, you're right. I'm going to go call her.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You promise it's not too weird?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- Nah.- No way.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21It IS really weird, though, right?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Oh, the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24What am I going to do about Bella?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I can't have the Hags finding out I'm some loser tutor.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28- No offence.- Not bothered.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Took a couple of tranquillisers an hour ago, so I'm golden.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Why have you got tranquillisers?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Phase two of my mission to cheer up Paul -
0:14:35 > 0:14:37enough drugs to knock out a horse.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I also got him skunk, ecstasy, LSD,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42you know, a good starter pack.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43You've got to be careful with that stuff.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I don't want you OD-ing and fucking up my party.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Actually...you got any spare tranquilisers?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Do you need Mummy to change you?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Is everything OK? Oh, is it the IBS again?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04No, no, it's just...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08maybe for now, we can hold off on the baby stuff.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Like I said, I kind of need it, otherwise I can't...
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Well, I was thinking perhaps, uh, we could compromise.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18So, you're clearly into age differences, so I thought,
0:15:18 > 0:15:23instead of me dressing as a baby, you could dress as an old woman.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Yeah? I've got some props.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I could call you Doris and you could reminisce about rationing
0:15:31 > 0:15:34while I pumice your corns. That's a euphemism.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Francis, I thought you were cool with this side of me.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Oh, yeah, super-cool with it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Still, you've got to admit the baby thing is quite,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- well, not weird, but...- I knew this would happen. This always happens.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Nothing's happening.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48There's a difference between fantasy and reality, Francis.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Why don't people get that? I'm a member of this forum
0:15:51 > 0:15:53and there are two Nobel prize-winners on there.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I completely respect that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I want to believe you. I just really hoped you were someone
0:15:57 > 0:16:00that could see past it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I think...I think maybe you should leave.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Mind if I take the wig?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It was, like, £35.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Expensive.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm buzzing for this.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Finally, a chance to let my hair down.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Your hair's never up. You had a rave last night.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- What's wrong with you? - Sorry, it's all this Sabina stuff,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43but I think I've got one more chance.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I begged her to come tonight.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I need to prove I don't think she's a freak.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47She is a freak, though.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Yeah, but a really hot one who I think I might love.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Love is a cruel illusion.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I thought you said you were going to get into the party spirit.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Last night, I drank a whole bottle of Famous Grouse
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and watched Finding Nemo three times.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Mate, this party is going to turn all that around.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Let's just say it'll expand your horizons.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Why would we say that?- Guys!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Welcome. Help yourself to drinks.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I mean, stay clear of the champagne, I'm not made of money.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Nice hair.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Thank you, yeah. It took 16 cans of hairspray to get it like this.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21- So, where's Bella?- In bed.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I slipped a couple of tranquillisers into her cocoa.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Right. Isn't that a bit...wrong?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I put her in the recovery position.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Now get in there and have some fun!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35MUSIC: Waiting All Night by Rudimental
0:17:46 > 0:17:49This party's not bad. Who are all these people?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Oh, I got them from an agency.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- They're extras.- We prefer "supporting artists".
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Whatever. Get back to work.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Can't have the Hags realising I've only got two friends.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Hettie!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01O-M-G, your place is amazeballs.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Those French doors are tres epic.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I have to admit, I'm impressed.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Oh, hey, where's your bathroom?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I was paying the cab driver and I accidentally touched his hand.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, sure thing. It's just through there.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Wow!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- What?- Considering you grew up with those guys,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25you should be way more of a dickhead than you are.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27MUSIC CONTINUES
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Having fun?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Do you think it's possible to die of loneliness?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Right, Paul, don't take this the wrong way,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38but your problems are really boring,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41so shut up and take this LSD.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Sounds a bit dangerous.- Come on, how can this be bad for you?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46They've put a smiley face on it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Who's "they"?- Best not to think about that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Listen, mate, from what you've said, you've got nothing to lose anyway.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Hmm?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Oh, any sign of baby lady?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Shh! She might be the only person
0:19:00 > 0:19:02who's ever willing to have sex with me.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, my God, there she is.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Sabina!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Hey, baby... Not baby.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14Hi, Francis. Look, I almost didn't come, but I thought we should talk.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Look, you're a really nice guy...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Er, don't, cos I've got you a surprise.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Francis, whatever it is, I...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Are you wearing...? - I think I need Mummy to change me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:35How are you feeling, mate?
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Wonderful!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39The rabbits are everywhere.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43But it's cool. We have an understanding.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Also, each of my fingers has its own hand on the end of it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Cool.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Mmm.- Mmm.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Put this on, put this on.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00THEY BREATHE HEAVILY
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- You are full of surprises. - Ready for your next one?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I feel weird.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What's this?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- What is this?- Everything's fuzzy.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Is this what you think I'm into? - What? No, no, no, no!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- This isn't the surprise. - You monster!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Sabina!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28HEAVY DANCE MUSIC
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Nick, I'm concerned that I might be, as they say, freaking out.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42The rabbits don't like me any more.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45They don't hate me, but I feel they could turn at any moment.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Just ride it out.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Whatever you do, don't imagine that you're already dead
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and have been for years.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I think I'm going to be sick.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57This party is amazing. The Hags are loving it.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Hettie even says she might be able to swing me a job
0:20:59 > 0:21:01at her dad's law firm.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I wouldn't have to be a fucking tutor any more. Again, no offence.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- I'm happy for you, man. - No, stop! Just let me explain!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Sabina, please!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I bought a rattle! That was the surprise!
0:21:15 > 0:21:16DOOR SLAMS
0:21:19 > 0:21:20MUSIC STOPS
0:21:20 > 0:21:23It's fine, everyone. He thought it was fancy dress,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26so we can all go back to having a good time, right, Hettie?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Alice, who are all these people?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36And what are they doing in my house?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Er, if this isn't your house, then why are you having a party here?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Alice is my tutor. She lives in the attic.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Well, this is turning into a very memorable evening.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Why is that baby so big?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Why is that baby so big?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Aargh!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54GLASS SMASHES
0:21:59 > 0:22:01We're going to go. Erm...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Do you want to...pay us now, or...?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Cheer up. You'll be moving on to better things soon.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Oh, go tell it to your lizard.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Naomi and I aren't speaking at the moment.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16She knows what she did.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Any word from Sabina?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Still won't answer my calls. The dry spell continues.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Maybe I should become a priest,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28make this whole no-sex thing seem intentional.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30So, Bella and I came to an arrangement.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33If I just do everything she wants me to, pretty much forever,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36she won't report me to her parents or the police.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Well, if it helps, I had a great night.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- It doesn't.- Oh, I've got to go and teach some Russian kid
0:22:40 > 0:22:43about soil erosion. Neck, are you heading my way?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45No, I'm going down the aquarium with Paul.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Why are you still hanging out with that guy?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I guess I feel a bit bad I got him so high.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51He did lose a lot of blood.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I just thought we should...hang out with him, now and then.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I appreciate that.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58You seem cheerier!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00A lot of that's the morphine.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Who wants to help me change my dressing?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08How is this my life?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17MUSIC: Pantalon by Kornel Kovacs