0:00:02 > 0:00:03I don't have to apologise for terrorism.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- AMERICAN NEWSREADER: - And cities such as Birmingham
0:00:09 > 0:00:11are 100% Muslim, non-Muslims are banned from living there.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15I'm just out here to remind people of George W Bush...
0:00:15 > 0:00:19It sounds to me like a hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22..and the neo-conservatives' illegal war on anything darker
0:00:22 > 0:00:24than four pints of milk.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25What's going on in the...
0:00:25 > 0:00:30And these cities are patrolled by Muslim militias ready to use violent
0:00:30 > 0:00:33force on anyone not dressed in appropriate Muslim clothing.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I'm just a normal man, trying to heal social fractures
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and make the world in which we live a better place.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41And that's why you call me
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Iron Man.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I call you Ironing Man.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Mm-hm.- You're just like Auntie Shagufta from Pakistan,
0:00:50 > 0:00:51but with less facial hair.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Mm-hm, that's me, baby.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Mob! Open the door, man.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Wax!- Wax?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01White puffy jacket, a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Always on Muslim Tinder.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03That's the guy...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05How d'you know about Minder?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Cousin, cousin...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Cousin.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Wax, what d'you want, man?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Right, today is the day you stop avoiding Uncle Buj.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Right, them other crews,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22they won't even deal with anyone else except you.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And it's proper losing him money, man.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25You are actually make him look quite bad.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Listen, why are you harassing man at home?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I done told you already, I'm out the squad, bro, OK?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- I'm trying to follow Deen now. - Dean?!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34The gora that lives at number 127?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36The one that sells the fake Timberlands and the e-cigarettes?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39What has Dean done for you that Uncle Buj hasn't?!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Deen, as in Islam, dozy!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43You would've known this if you'd come to mosque classes with me
0:01:43 > 0:01:46instead of listening to Britney Spears' first album, innit?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Yeah, but that's a good album though.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- It's all right, I'm not going to lie.- # Hit me, baby, one more... #
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Shh, shh!- ..time.- Stop all that.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I'm out.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56What? It's not Argos, bro.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57You can't just quit.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You'd better be seeing Uncle Buj by tonight otherwise.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Otherwise?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- You know.- What's he going to do, finger my temple?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It is going to be more than just a fingering, bro.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09That's not the first time you have said that to a man with a beard, is it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Listen, man. I'm just trying to gauge the threat level, innit?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13- Threat level?- Yeah.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Try Richter scale 7.2, bro.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Aks!- Do you want me to go upstairs and get the gun
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- you keep under your bed?- Shut up!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24That's my little sister you're talking to.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Shush, please?- Why is this girl so strong, man?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Wax, put the gun away and give me a hand with this.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Grab the handle, yeah, grab that.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35This is the armed police!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Stay right where you are.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Drop to the floor, hands on your head.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43You or me?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44You, bro.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Drop to the floor now!
0:02:51 > 0:02:56We have reason to believe that you have also been harassing local women
0:02:56 > 0:02:57via dating apps...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- How do they know that? - ..like Minder, Muzmatch,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03and Salaam Cupid.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I'm not on that one.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, my days.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You're just like your jacket, you are.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Manufactured by Asians and extremely thick.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14MOBEEN LAUGHS
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Why are these girls so aggressive, man?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Anyway. Safe, Wax, yeah? Bye.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Yo, Lumbo.- Yo.- What's going on, man?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- All right, how are you? - Listen, bro, man,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I need to put this misconception to bed, yeah?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34People say that cos we're from the ends and we speak the way we do,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37that we can't all rate in any other way.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Let me tell you this, bro.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'm very proud of my roadman vernacular,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42but I can mix it up as well, baby.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Watch this, yeah?
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Elaine, absolutely delicious recipe for those almond cupcakes.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51They're so wonderful. Just like you.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Haha! You see how we do this, Lumbo?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Whee!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Yo, you could have been a Fed, you know, Saira.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Woop-woop, it's the sound of the police.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Woop-woop, have you made the sandwiches?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04KNOCK ON DOOR
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Clock's ticking, yeah, Mobs?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Tick-tock, do you hear that?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10You better Lync Buj by the end of today, yeah?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Otherwise your sisters, yeah,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14they're going to be looking for a new dickhead brother.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I said it. Dickhead.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Don't make me get a rent a crew on this.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44# I ain't gotta talk no more Cos soon as I walk in the door
0:04:44 > 0:04:45# Everybody stops doing what they're doing
0:04:45 > 0:04:48# Don't know what they're pausing for, don't know what they're gawping for
0:04:48 > 0:04:49# Bad boy from the LDN What the world's been calling for
0:04:49 > 0:04:51# Been balling for And your girl gets wet. #
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Well, what you saying, Eileen?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56# Get with the programme, I got the flow and... #
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Eileen, sexual harassment in the workplace is a crime! Behave yourself.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01# I'm gripping the Trojan Never gonna get caught slipping
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Never gonna get caught tripping Never too soft. #
0:05:04 > 0:05:05SHOUTING
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Neville, Fergus,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08not again, man!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Snap his arse off and stick it up his arse!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Gah!
0:05:13 > 0:05:14No, don't do that, don't do that!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The thing is, if Wax and Buj weren't after you,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20someone else would be.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I mean, it's like you say.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Don't hate the player,
0:05:23 > 0:05:24hate the gays.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Game.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It's, "Don't hate the player, hate the game."
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Yeah, that does make more sense.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Basically, I was a middleman between Buj and all these crews up and down
0:05:38 > 0:05:41the country, man. I used to run things nice and smooth,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45violence free, almost. They used to call me The Counsellor.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Because you gave them wise counsel.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49And cos I grew up in a council house.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52But anyway, forget all of them things there, bro.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I need your advice, man. You're like my Yoda.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55The safety of the girls is my priority,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01these men might kill me, you know, it's that serious.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06You need to seek salvation by finding a place that's important to
0:06:06 > 0:06:09the community, a place that's got plenty of security.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10You mean...
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Sports Direct?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, don't be so fucking stupid.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15They did all right with your rubber ring, innit?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Sorted your haemorrhoids right out.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25We've got to find you a place where these unsavoury characters
0:06:25 > 0:06:26can't get you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28In his book the Art Of War,
0:06:28 > 0:06:33the great military strategist Sun Tzu said,
0:06:33 > 0:06:39"good fighters first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh-ay, oh-ay, oh-ay.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Now, tell me, Moby...
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Yes, Cyril?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Have you got my weed?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yes, I've got your flipping weed, Cyril.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Listen, I ain't supposed to be doing this, you know, bro.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I'm trying to stay legit and that, but you did say this is for
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- medicinal purposes, right?- Oh, yeah.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Yeah.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What are those medicinal purposes, again?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, don't get bogged down in specifics.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The main thing is, I've got me sandwich and I've got me Pringles.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Yeah, yeah, just take it easy when you smoke that shit this time, yeah?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I don't want no phone calls at 3.30 in the morning saying,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"There's a wolf in my shower cubicle and Ethel next-door is performing
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"an exorcism." I ain't got no time for that.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Wait a minute! These sandwiches, they're just...sandwiches.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20What the hell's going on?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Listen, man, I put that weed in those sandwiches this...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, SHIT.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28KNOCK ON DOOR
0:07:28 > 0:07:30THUMP
0:07:31 > 0:07:33BOTH: Oh, shit!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yo, Lumbo, keep the camera still, man.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Hey, Moby.- Yo.- What's going on with your family situation?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Well, my mum's gone back to Pakistan indefinitely and that, and yo,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44the Navy SEALs that tracked down bin Laden couldn't find my pops,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'm telling you this. But listen,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm here looking after the girls, it's my responsibility.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Although I get treated like Geoffrey the Butler from Fresh Prince.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Even though I'm Will Smith, baby!
0:07:57 > 0:07:58I'd even take Carlton, you know.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03The safety of the girls is my priority,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I'm trying to follow my faith but if I don't join the crew again,
0:08:06 > 0:08:07these men might kill me, you know.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Mobeen!- What the F...?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, Wax, man.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35You had plenty of warnings, bro.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Time to go see Uncle Buj, come on.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I ain't going nowhere, man. What are you going to do?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Fingering the temple, bro.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45No, listen, bro. I'm not scared of you, yeah, so I'm going to go home.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- All right, yeah?- Not scared of me?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Not scared of me? Are you scared of the crew?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52ENGINE REVS
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, shit!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Yeah, that's what I thought, didn't I?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Come on. You're coming with me, man.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Finally beat you, Mob, didn't I?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I finally beat the great Mobs.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05You know what the best thing is?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06It's not even loaded!
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Oh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mobs.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12I didn't know.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm... I'm sorry, bro.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15I'm sorry.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Aah!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31This arsehole shot me in the arsehole!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh, man.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37My arse is smoking, and not in a remotely sexy way!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Aaah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You lazy, lazy, wasteman.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Lying around in the daytime, get up.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I've been shot, man.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00We've all got stuff going on, Mobeen.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04D'you realise when I settle down with the love of my life,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06they're going to have to witness this scar on my booty
0:10:06 > 0:10:08every single night?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09I'm sure he won't mind.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13They turn the lights off pretty early in prison anyway.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Mum should've hit you a lot more when you were a kid.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Your boy Cyril sent you this.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Give me that! At least someone's taking care of me, innit?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Don't worry, Mobs, you still have your dignity, yeah?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28No-one can take that away from you, bro.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- You don't look happy.- Woop-woop, do you want an adult nappy?
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Get out of here, you tramps.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40POP!
0:10:40 > 0:10:41AIR HISSES OUT OF RUBBER RING
0:10:43 > 0:10:46My life is whack, man!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51# I've found myself in a sticky situation
0:10:51 > 0:10:52# Yeah
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# A sticky situation
0:10:54 > 0:10:55# Ooh
0:10:55 > 0:10:56# I said a sticky situation
0:10:57 > 0:10:59# A sticky situation
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Yeah now I'm all alone
0:11:12 > 0:11:14# Without my heart leaping... #
0:11:14 > 0:11:15HE GIGGLES
0:11:15 > 0:11:17# Sound like a dog without a bone. #