0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10MUSIC: Mannish Boy by Muddy Waters
0:00:10 > 0:00:11# Yeah
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Now, when I was a young boy
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# At the age of five
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# My mother said I was gonna be
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# The greatest man alive... #
0:00:25 > 0:00:27KNOCK AT DOOR, MUSIC STOPS
0:00:28 > 0:00:29I'm on the loo.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31OK, I'll wait.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34WHISTLES A TUNE
0:00:38 > 0:00:39TOILET FLUSHES
0:00:40 > 0:00:43When I say Teppan, you say...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46It's yaki!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Did you want something, Dad? - Yeah, your mum's birthday.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53I've booked a table at the Japanese place, same one we went to after your school production of Cabaret.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Could this not have waited? - Oh, what a night that was, eh?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Remind me who you played again.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Other Nazi.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Well, you were absolutely... first-rate.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Or should I say...
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Third Reich?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- OK, cheers, Dad. - Hey, does Claire like Japanese food?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Oh, I see.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13No, I wasn't...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I was checking my e-mails, and my hands got...dry.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Dude...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Our toothbrushes are right there.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21But I can't pick up the Wi-Fi in my room,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24which I need to send the e-mails, which is what I was doing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27A bit of a tip - I tend to send my e-mails, you know...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29in the shower.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30MUSIC RESUMES
0:01:30 > 0:01:31# N
0:01:33 > 0:01:34# That represent man... #
0:01:34 > 0:01:36KNOCK AT DOOR, MUSIC STOPS
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Paul? It's just me.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41No, Mum...I'm on the loo!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42OK. I'll wait.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48TOILET FLUSHES
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Hi, Poppet.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Just to say, your dad's booked that Japanese restaurant
0:01:52 > 0:01:53for my you-know-what.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Thanks so much, Mum.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Er...you nearly finished in there?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Only do me a favour.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Don't use the expensive hand cream, OK?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04MUSIC RESUMES
0:02:04 > 0:02:05# That mean mannish boy... #
0:02:05 > 0:02:07PHONE RINGS, MUSIC STOPS
0:02:08 > 0:02:09HE SIGHS
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Are you back?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Just landed.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Did you miss me?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21HE SIGHS I missed you so much.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Actually, er...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I've made a wank collage of you.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27In fact, I'm just prepped to give it another whirl.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Er, Paul, I'm with my parents.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30You're on speaker.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Hi, Mr and Mrs Dixon.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37How was the holiday?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38MUSIC RESUMES
0:02:38 > 0:02:39HORN BLARES
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# I'm a full-grown man. #
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Dubai?!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51My dad reckons he can hook me up with an internship at his new firm.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Dubai-Dubai?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54OK, you've got to stop saying it now.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Your dad's never thought I was good enough for you.- No...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I mean, yes, obviously, that is true, but...
0:02:59 > 0:03:00And what about us?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Wait, is that why you brought me here?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You knew I'd never make a scene in a room full of hipsters.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Shit. Are you Jerry Maguire-ing me?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12No. I brought you here because they have deep-fried gherkins.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And because I actually really missed you.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You had me at deep-fried gherkins.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Look...
0:03:20 > 0:03:21They're only three hours ahead.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- We can talk every night...- Wait, you're being serious about this?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- But I'm rubbish on Skype.- What other option...- The delay throws me.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Sorry.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29What other option do we have?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Some shit-stained mattress on the floor somewhere in...
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Cracktown?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Losing a fortune on travel and muggings?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You can move in with my folks.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- What?- Yeah, it's perfect.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42My mattress is almost completely stain-free.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45But, most importantly, it means that you don't have to go to Dubai.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48And then nothing comes between us.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Claire!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Ha!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Ooh... My God, Greg! Erm...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Paul, this... This is Greg.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00'S'up, man? Tills, remember I told you about my drama school girlfriend Claire?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Wow - you're THE Claire!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Oh...- So, you two, you are...?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Together. Boyfriend-girlfriend. A unit.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09The total package. Yeah, a perfect...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Yes, too much.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Er... So, do you guys live around here?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Yeah, we've literally just moved in, literally around the corner.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17HE CHUCKLES
0:04:17 > 0:04:18So how about you guys?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Yeah, Paul does.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Well, I... I suppose...
0:04:22 > 0:04:23I do, too, now.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26So we're neighbours?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Shit, how awesome is that?!
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Really awesome.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30So awesome.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It's quite possibly the most awesome thing that's ever happened.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Deep-fried gherkins?!
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Mmm!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Games night's going to be so much more fun now that we're a foursome.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Oh, Claire, you may notice that, other than the bathroom,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53there's an absence of locks around.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56It's always been a sort of open-door house.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57I'll get us a lock.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Whoa! This ain't a prison, buddy!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02No - you want a bit of privacy, just slip a sock on your door handle.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Doesn't get more prison than that, does it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Which reminds me, we've still got to finish Orange Is The New Black.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08We should binge it as a family.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Do you watch it, Claire?- Not yet. I've been meaning to.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13I like the story.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Marshall likes the lesbians.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Not "likes," Helen - LOVES.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27BED SQUEAKS RHYTHMICALLY
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Are you OK?- Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, yeah, I'm great. This is great.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You... You just seem a bit...
0:05:35 > 0:05:36HE SIGHS
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Like, do you want me to do that thing you like?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Shh!
0:05:41 > 0:05:42TOILET FLUSHES
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Is there someone in the bathroom?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48(Yeah.)
0:05:50 > 0:05:51(Sorry.)
0:05:54 > 0:05:56COUGHING AND RETCHING
0:06:05 > 0:06:07GARGLING
0:06:11 > 0:06:13COUGHING
0:06:15 > 0:06:17HACKING AND SPITTING
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I can't!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I can't do it. I can't do it, I'm sorry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21I just...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I just threw up in my mouth a bit.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Just what every girl wants to hear.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29I could...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You know, I could finish you... Finish you off...
0:06:32 > 0:06:33..if you're quiet.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Mmm, that's super-tempting, but I've...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39got to learn these lines for this audition, anyway.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41SHE SIGHS
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm really happy you're here, though.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Helen, have you seen the haemorrhoid cream?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54I don't know why I moved Claire into my parents' house.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56They're like sexual kryptonite.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Great name for a band!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Should we be on this floor?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- The creatives have better coffee. - Yeah, because they deserve it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Look, people are staring. They can smell the lack of ingenuity on us.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07This new living arrangement is not ideal.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I've been in close quarters with you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11And it ain't pretty.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I haven't farted in days, Nick.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Days.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16If I carry on like this, something might rupture.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Well, you need to dig deep,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20cos now you've got this Greg guy to contend with, too.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21What?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23No, Greg's just an ex.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24It's all in the past.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- He is pretty fit.- How fit?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29John Hamm fit?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Hemsworth fit.- Thor fit!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34And he's an actor, so they've got that in common, as well.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You know, he's like a walking, talking, flexing reminder
0:07:36 > 0:07:38of how much better she could do.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Google Image him - he's got his shirt off in every picture.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He's got...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44those things.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Shit the bed!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47You'll have to face him again.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Make him real, not some beautiful,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Thor-tinted memory.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Show Claire you're the better option.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Or at very least, stop thinking about your dad
0:07:55 > 0:07:59while you're conkers-deep in your girlfriend!
0:08:02 > 0:08:03We're from accounts.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09So they didn't mention getting you back in for a recall?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I really don't want to talk about it. It's just a stupid advert.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15For the record, I heard you practising in the shower,
0:08:15 > 0:08:16and I genuinely believed
0:08:16 > 0:08:18that you might have had a trip or a fall at work.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Sorry, running late.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Claire Bear, you look gorgeous.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Paul.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Cool shirt. Very...
0:08:29 > 0:08:30pockety.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31They're not real.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33They're sewn-up.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Hi, guys. Hope you like quinoa!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44So, we're in the wings, Claire's got her legs wrapped around me,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46we're going at it in the dark, and I start to feel woozy.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50So he turns on the light and his eyes are bright pink.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51And Claire's nose is bleeding.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Turns out I'd kicked over a bucket of bleach,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55which had reacted with the heat from our bodies.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58We're basically choking in a chemical sex cloud of our own making!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:03We... we did it on the beach in Portugal once.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Well, near the beach.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08At our hotel.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Wait, shit!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Is Claire the co-creator of the position?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- Mmm. - TILLY GASPS
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I cannot believe you remember that!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19What's the position?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23These dirty perverts invented a sex position.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We called it The Shawshank Redemption.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Because it lasted three hours, and you'd always cry at the end.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33OK, I think that's enough of a trip down memory lane now.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35We can laugh about these old stories, right?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- We're all grown-ups. - Are you kidding?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I... I love me some old stories.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Dickens...
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Tolkien...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43that Moby Dick guy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You guys must have come up with a few moves in your time.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Three years together - it must be shag charades every night.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Yeah, we've been pretty busy.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55My parents just got...Netflix,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57so...
0:09:57 > 0:09:58you know.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa!
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Don't...
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Don't miss me out!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- What about your sinus issue? - Claire!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Please, sinus...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10This mofo wants to get his smoke on.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16MUSIC: Got My Mojo Working by Muddy Waters
0:10:16 > 0:10:19# Got my mojo working but it
0:10:19 > 0:10:21# Just won't work on you
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- # Got my mojo working but it... # - Now you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Just won't work on you... #
0:10:29 > 0:10:32No. Leave her alone.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33What?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35MUSIC ON STEREO: Two Hearts by NZCA Lines
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Baby, you just said something.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39No, I didn't.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I fucking love this one!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46# I lose in the storm... #
0:10:46 > 0:10:47You OK?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I'm super-OK.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I love this one, too.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I really wish you'd stood up first.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07SHE LAUGHS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10# Cos I've been waiting for you
0:11:12 > 0:11:14# Don't tell me we're lost
0:11:16 > 0:11:19# Cos I've been waiting for you tonight
0:11:20 > 0:11:22# Just don't tell me we're lost
0:11:24 > 0:11:26# Cos I've been waiting for you... #
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Thank you for tonight, babe. I know it was a bit...
0:11:33 > 0:11:34(Yeah, I know.)
0:11:34 > 0:11:36(I had fun. We should do it every Friday.)
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Ooh, my God, I am so fucking stoned!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41(Yeah, remember, indoor voice.)
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You should totally take advantage of my impressionable state.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46(Yeah, sounds good.)
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Seriously.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I'll let you do anything you want.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Well?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56(What, you want me to...tell you?)
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Wow, let's see...
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Anything...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Anything at all...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Let's drill a glory hole in the bathroom wall.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'm like the Chinese language.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Hard. Two words.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Sex.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Bungee.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Babe, you can't think of anything?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16No, of course I can, course I can.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Listen - we're going to go in the bedroom,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I'm going to... I'm going to...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23take off your clothes...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and then also my clothes, so we'll both be...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28fully...er...
0:12:28 > 0:12:29- naked.- Yeah, OK, what then?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And then... Then we'll... Then we'll do it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36But with the big light on, not the bedside one.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Big one.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Mm-hmm.- So we can see all the...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43..bits, and it'll be like having sex, but...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46..in HD.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Or we could just...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- do it normally.- Yeah.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51- Yeah, that could be...- Mmm.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58That could be...fun.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59BED CREAKS
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Don't lean on me so much!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Use the bed spring!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03- Ooh!- Use the bed spring...!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05GASPING AND GRUNTING
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Maybe just, er...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08watch a bit of TV.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You should have heard Claire and Greg.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Swapping stories like horny World War II veterans.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Was she different after dinner?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Yes!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It was like he'd...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24awoken something in her.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Her sex kraken - long since dormant, her sex kraken doth awaken.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Please don't talk about my girlfriend's sex kraken.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33This isn't good, mate.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35'I was completely out of my element.'
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I couldn't do the things she wanted, you know, like...
0:13:38 > 0:13:39kinky things.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Nicky, we're starting.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43You know where I am right now?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Tap class.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Eve's making me do it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Why?- 'Cos it's incredibly sensual.'
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No, tap is probably the least sensual of all the dances.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Er, then why do people say, "I'm going to tap that ass"?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- NICKY CHUCKLES - 'Look...'
0:13:55 > 0:13:59'sometimes in relationships, you have to do things you're not comfortable with.'
0:13:59 > 0:14:02So your girlfriend's into some funky sex shit - big deal!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I'm going full Strictly over here.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05'Yeah, but how am I supposed to...'
0:14:05 > 0:14:08get into the spirit of things with my parents in the room next door?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Find another way to show Claire you're on board,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13cos if you don't get out your little dagger
0:14:13 > 0:14:15'and slay that kraken quick, Greg's going to whip out'
0:14:15 > 0:14:17his giant Conan sword,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19and stick it right in there!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21'Believe!'
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Oooh!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34You're so good at that, Claire!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I've had lots of practice.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37HE COUGHS
0:14:37 > 0:14:39We used to come to these places when I was little.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40- Are you OK? - HE CHOKES
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Yeah, just went up the wrong hole.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Down!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45It... It went DOWN the wrong hole.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46PHONE VIBRATES
0:14:49 > 0:14:50- Who's that?- Oh, it's Greg.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53He's going to help me run some lines for my recall.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54I could do that with you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Oh, thanks, but he just kind of gets my rhythm, you know?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59It's like a wanky, unspoken actor thing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Ah!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Well, a little, erm...
0:15:04 > 0:15:05toasty-toast.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07To my beautiful wife -
0:15:07 > 0:15:1155 and still the sexiest woman in the...
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Ooh!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Aww, that's so sweet!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I get your rhythm, for the record.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16You know, I hate birthdays,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19but spending time with you two funky young things,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I feel all youthful and reinvigorated.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25And what, it'll just be you and Greg?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30In fact, I reinvigorated Marshall three times last night!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31HELEN LAUGHS
0:15:31 > 0:15:33This is amazing!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You know, Claire, Marshall is the only man I've ever been with.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41He, on the other hand, was quite the slut before he met me.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43OK, come on, TMI.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44We're having girls' talk.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46If you don't like it, don't listen.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49So, when you say "quite the slut"...
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Yeah, well, it was the '80s, remember.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52We didn't have tweets and box sets -
0:15:52 > 0:15:54we just had Dynasty and our genitals to keep us entertained.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Can't we just sit here and have food flicked into our mouths
0:15:57 > 0:15:58like a normal family?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Oh, you were always a bit of a late starter like me, bub.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I mean, 20 IS quite late, isn't it, Claire?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Think I'll have a go.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08You said you were 16.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I was 16.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Sarah Hughes?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That flat-chested girl from your pastry club?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I don't think so, sweetheart.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16CLAIRE LAUGHS
0:16:16 > 0:16:18He had a sleepover once at her house -
0:16:18 > 0:16:21he woke up in a mess, and we had to throw his sleeping bag away!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23THEY LAUGH
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Er... You fell off one of these in Corfu.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Pontoon.- Yes! My second-favourite condiment.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Worcester sauce.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36When he was nine, Paul zipped his penis up in his what case?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Violin!- Yes!- No, time's up.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Oh!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43That was so good!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45SMOOCHING
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Right, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52come on, it's our turn. You're about to see how unspoken our rhythm is.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54OK. Go!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Oh, uh, OK, easy one. I'm terrified of these.- Sharks.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- No, come on.- Um...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It's, like, my ultimate fear, I talk about it all the time.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Er...spiders.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Global warming!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Never getting a real acting job!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Clowns, Paul.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08- Clowns.- I knew that, I knew that.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Come on, next.- Oh, simple - the month I was born.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Ummm...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Paul, the month I was born!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- I know this.- Course you do.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And you shagged that flat-chested girl from your pastry club!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27SHE LAUGHS
0:17:27 > 0:17:28I can't handle this.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Oh... Relax - it's just a game. - It's not a game, all right?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It's them, putting me off with their...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- touching. It's inappropriate. - You've always been so prudish!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37- What?!- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Chillax, the pair of you, eh?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Look, Paul, I promise there will be no more inappropriate touching.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Just a little light rubbing.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That's it, all right, I've had enough!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51We are not your friends, OK?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53You do get that, right?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56This is not a healthy parent-son dynamic.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And Sarah Hughes wasn't flat-chested.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02She was athletic.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'm sorry we embarrassed you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yeah, perhaps we should call it a night, hmm?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Well, er...- Mmm.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Goodnight, you two. Er...
0:18:17 > 0:18:18..sleep thee well.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Goodnight.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What is your problem?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29We were having a nice evening.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Me?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:32HE GASPS
0:18:32 > 0:18:34They're awful!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36And what was that rubbish about me being prudish?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'm going to go run lines with Greg.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"Run line."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Nick, code red.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I need to slay the kraken.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You won't regret this, mate.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05After tonight, you and Claire will have so many sexy stories,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Greg will have to move away in shame.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You don't think this is all a bit much?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I might just do... dinner and flowers.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Trust me - the time for Nando's has passed.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18The sexy water's warm, babe.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20You need to dive in.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Yeah, maybe I'll just dip a toe in first - test it out a bit.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Come on, baby!
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Er...Paul, what kind of club is this?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Er...I don't know. House, I think.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Hey, if you're not up for it, we can always go.- No, no, no.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I think this is going to be fun.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47DEEP HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Welcome to the Thunderdome, fuckers!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00It's a sex club.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01No. HE CHUCKLES
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Is it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Is it?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Wait, so...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So you're just completely comfortable with...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10With all of this?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11All of what?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It's just boobs and cocks and shit.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Unless you're not comfortable, we could...- Are you kidding?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26This place is awesome. You know, we should, er...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27we should get crazy.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Come on, Eve, let's go grab some shots!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We should probably stick together. Oh, no, you guys, er...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34stay here and enjoy the boobs and cocks and shit.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Last time I was here, they had a dick-shaped vodka luge.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Now THAT is a Facebook profile pic.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I think she's really into it!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Just...don't leave me on my own, OK?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Paul, I'm your sexual Gandalf.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I'll never leave you!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Fucking Gandalf.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03To about here, dark hair?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You tried the orgy room?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07What orgy room?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Holy shit!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16HEAVY BREATHING AND MOANS
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It's a no-clothes policy here, mate.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Sorry, is this the orgy room?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Stupid question. Can I...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- I'm just looking for my girlfriend. - No clothes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Yeah, but can I just keep them on for a sec, while I have a look?
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Oh, come on. This...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34This is ridiculous. You can't force me to take my clothes off.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41HEAVY BREATHING AND MOANS
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Oh, fuck me! Claire!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Please, please, please don't do this, Claire!
0:21:53 > 0:21:54OK...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I know I'm not that kinky,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58and I... I probably can't last the full Shawshank.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Get off her, you animals!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I'm here to conquer your kraken!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh, my God.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I am so...
0:22:09 > 0:22:10sorry.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Wrong kraken completely.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Not that yours isn't, um...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I can see it's very popular.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, my God. I just looked right at it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25So, did you guys all meet here, or is there a...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28..Twitter page?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30No, no, no, no. Come on - it was an honest mistake!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Look, there's my actual girlfriend!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Claire, tell them I'm really a prude!
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Claire!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You have known me for three years.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Have I ever expressed any sort of predilection for orgies?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47No!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50But I'm learning new things about your preferences of late.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Oh, well, I would PREFER it if you would sleep downstairs,
0:22:53 > 0:22:54because if you stay in here,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I am going to stab you with one of your cookery trophies.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Pastry!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01You're going to stab me with one of my PASTRY trophies.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Do you know what? Just go and be with Greg, OK?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05And...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07have lots of eye-watering sex,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and make ridiculously good-looking kids. I give up.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Whoa - what has this got to do with Greg?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, come on!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15His abs are insane!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Look, we both know I'm punching above my weight here...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24..all right? And it's not just because you're fit.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25It's because...
0:23:25 > 0:23:27you're funny and cool...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30..and stupidly clever.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Which I'm aware is an oxymoron.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37This is why you were being so weird at dinner with your parents?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I don't want to be with Greg.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Greg is a massive twat.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45When we were together, it was just about sex.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That's not making me feel any better.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50No, for him! Everything was about sex, all the time.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52It was awful!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54He's just helping me with my advert.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56What, so you...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58You don't mind that I don't have...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59those things?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I don't want those things.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04I don't want Greg.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I want you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You complete and utter...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10total dickhead.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13HE SIGHS
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I can't tell you how much of a relief that is.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Mmm!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- So we're OK, then?- Er...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25you took me to a sex dungeon.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It's going to be a long fuckin' while till we're OK.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28But, er...
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Well, I'm looking forward to you trying to make it up to me.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33- Ooh!- But, but...!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35First, you need to go and apologise to your parents.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You basically ruined your mum's birthday.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Then, there is just...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43the slightest sliver of a possibility I might, er...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46let you apologise to me.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48HE CHUCKLES
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Awesome.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Just to check, when you say "apologise," you actually mean...?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Yes.- Yeah.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Hey, look, guys, I feel really...
0:25:03 > 0:25:04HELEN AND MARSHALL SCREAM
0:25:04 > 0:25:06PAUL SCREAMS
0:25:07 > 0:25:09There was no sock!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12# Got my mojo working but it
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# Just won't work on you
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Got my mojo working but it
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Just won't work on you
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# I wanna love you so bad
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# I don't know what to do. #