0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16How am I supposed to maintain concentration levels across a
0:00:16 > 0:00:19four-hour shift on a single Dairylea Dunker?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Is this a wee strop about Jen coming home?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Do you think maybe you should concentrate on the manky pile of
0:00:24 > 0:00:27scants on my bedroom floor instead of my love life?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33I just think maybe you should learn to do your own washing instead of
0:00:33 > 0:00:36stalking your ex on Facebook and doofing into a sock.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Camel, hello. No, I mean toe.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48No, hello.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Spunk, Barry's here.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Just wiping my bum, Fletch.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Anything nice in your lunchbox?
0:00:54 > 0:00:59A pot noodle, a can of Monster, and there was a single bloody Dunker.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh, that is a disgrace, Barry.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I would give you all the dunks that you could handle if you were my boy.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06What flavour's your noodle?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, Bombay Bad Boy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Are you a bad boy, Barry?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I am an absolute fucking bastard.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16What is the baddest thing you have ever done?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I decapitated a squirrel with an air rifle at Cub camp when I was nine.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Have you still got your woggle?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Spunk! They'll be wondering why Patrick Swayze's turned up for your
0:01:26 > 0:01:28job interview instead of you.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Patrick Swayze's dead, Mum.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Well, they'll be all the more surprised, then, won't they?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Wait till you hear his welcome home song for Jen.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38He's going to play it to her later, at the barbecue.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You've got a little something on your face there, Fletch.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Oh, allow me, Barry.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44CAR HORN
0:01:45 > 0:01:46What barbecue?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50What barbecue?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Oh, it's the Pied Piper of Poon and the Lord Commander of Castle Snatch.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Not today, Wendy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Not today.- Jen gets back today.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03With her winkle-picking wank wand of a boyfriend.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Mate, he won't be fit to sniff your doof sock.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08One more mention of my doof sock
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and I will annihilate your testicles with my bare hands.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Do I make myself clear, Wendy?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I meant no disrespect, Fletch.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Are you nervous, Fletch?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I don't want to talk about it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18It's your song, Fletch.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21MUSIC: You're Beautiful by James Blunt
0:02:22 > 0:02:26It was the Bonnybrigg International Under-16s Potato Festival.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I had just been crowned bachelor of the year for the first time,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33along with a frankly embarrassing slew of other honours.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Arse of the year.- Most fanciable fancy dress at the Spud Ball.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39She was an exquisite Pocahontas.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I, resplendent as P Diddy.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You were magnificent, Fletch.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- He still is.- I kissed her gently at first,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48before we ramped up the tongue-toshing
0:02:48 > 0:02:49to an outrageous level of torque.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52They tried to pull you apart, didn't they, Fletch?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55But they couldn't. Like two dogs fused at the genitals,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56we were inseparable.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And so began a love story between me,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02a dangerously provocative 14-year-old and...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04A wee schoolboy!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That's probably that wanker Wonka.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Whoever he is, he looks hurt, Fletch.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No, no, no, Wonka's pulled this ruse before.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Last time he snuck a frozen dog shite in the glove box.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I didn't find it for a week.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He's a cunning strategist.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Wendy, consult the book.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Swift as the wind, quiet as the forest, steady as the mountain.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31We need to be quick and quiet, and not move much.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Like a mountain.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I'm coming, wee boy!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- No, Spunk!- Spunk!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Wonka, you wanker.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Fletch, you fat nonce.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I will annihilate your undescended testicles with my bare hands.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You'd like that, wouldn't you? Fondling my testicles.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yes.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Wait, no.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You massive nonce.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59You frivolous shit-smear.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Breakfast is served.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Oh.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25My suit!
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Yeah!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40We have struck an important blow today
0:04:40 > 0:04:45against Wonka's hairless testicles that will live long and...
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Down, you twats!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54MUSIC: You're beautiful by James Blunt
0:04:54 > 0:04:56She's not supposed to be back yet.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Fuck me. That's a swimmer's build if ever I've seen one.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03You can make out the outline of his cock and balls, Fletch,
0:05:03 > 0:05:04and they're big. All three.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Give me your suit, Spunk.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Do you think maybe I should go to my job interview really quickly,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Fletch? It's just, it's a second call-back and it's...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14basically a formality.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You selfish bastard!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I am running an international conglomerate here,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28not a fucking piss party, so pull your dick out of your mouth
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and buckle up your arsehole, sunshine.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34They're either doing a performing arts project in there, or I've just
0:05:34 > 0:05:36interrupted a rural sex crime.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39We might want to devise some sort of safe word for you in case things get
0:05:39 > 0:05:40a wee bit too excruciating.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Safe word?- Take a deep breath, James.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46You are about to be dunked headfirst into the deep end of Bonnybrigg.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47What do you mean, "safe word"?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Oklahoma.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Oklahoma?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I am running an international conglomerate here, not a...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Hi, Spunk. - Are you all right, Jennifer?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Wendy.- All right, Jen, how are you doing?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It's me. It's me, Barry.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Yeah, Fletch. I know.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Guys, this is James, my fiance.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Welcome home, Jen.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25So, I guess you didn't go to Edinburgh Uni with Becky, then?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, Fletch broke his pinkie that summer.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I had to stay here and cover his shifts.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Probably wasn't for me anyway, you know?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34University and girls and all that stuff.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Snagged it on a go-kart roll cage.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You've done all right landing this one, Jen.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Fuck me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He looks like something that's been grown in a Nazi test tube.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Strong jaw. Proud bulge.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You know how to pick them, Jen.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49You two used to date?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- For, like, three months. - Three weeks.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55You lift, mate? You've got the body of a Persian Prince.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56- I swim.- I knew it.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I said that earlier. - James is a writer.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00He's working on his first novel.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Brains and beauty. If I was a bender, I'd do a shout.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05And if you were a bender - which you're obviously not
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and neither am I - so...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Congrats on being a writer, James.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10- Thanks, Sperm.- Spunk.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Spunk.- So, when do you start your new job at the school, Jen?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- How do you know about that? - Fletch told us.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16He's never off your Facebook, Jen.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Probably crops Big Jim out your pictures and saves them into a
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- wank bank.- It's not a wank bank, it's a...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I mean, it's not a wank bank.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I'd never crop you out, big man.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- Oklahoma.- Yeah.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Probably enough weirdness for one morning.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31See you later on, Jen.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Gies a shout if you fancy going for a swim, big guy.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Wendy?- Gavin Wendel.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Spunk?- Roddy Chisholm.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Sounds like jism. - And that anomaly, Fletch?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Believe it or not, he used to be kind of a legend around here.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Like a Scottish Sasquatch?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49He had a car.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Fuck off.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Yes, Wendy, mate, I'd love to go for a swim.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59We could go for a smoothie, grab a panini...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00What's happening later on, Spunk?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Jen's having a welcome home barbecue.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05The secret's been tearing me up inside like a hurricane of shame.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Jen's having a welcome home barbecue and she didn't invite me?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That's inconceivable.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14She's just scared she'll fall in love all over again.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16That makes sense.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You need to crash that barbecue and assert your dominance.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21It's just like in the kingdom of the apes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Gorilla lasses, they want three things in a man - resources,
0:08:26 > 0:08:27genes and leadership.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Now, you've tricked Jen into thinking you run an
0:08:30 > 0:08:33international conglomerate. But business tycoons,
0:08:33 > 0:08:34they don't live with their mums, mate.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Oh! He could move in with me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37It's pasta night, Fletch.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Wait till you get a mouthful of my mum's lasagne.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Belter! Now, good genes...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46That is trickier. Big Jim,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50he's like an onyx Captain America crossed with a vanilla Barack Obama.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52When did you last shave your ball-sack?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Don't worry, five minutes with me,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'll have that scrotum looking like a suede walnut.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02This barbecue is a battlefield.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06You need to eat more than him, drink more than him,
0:09:06 > 0:09:12and show Jen you are still the sexy-sacked silverback of this town.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Beat off the man!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Win back the girl.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Simple as plums pie.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25I will annihilate his testicles in front of her entire family.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Fletch, do you think I could maybe do my song first?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30It's just I've been learning it all week and...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I haven't really slept.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You selfish bastard!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Is this about the Dunker?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Or is it about being able to freely pleasure a woman without worrying if
0:09:46 > 0:09:49her orgasmic shrieks might annoy your own mother?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Have you ever once brought a woman home?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53And whose fault's that?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Is your mum still on those Thai diet pills she saw on Watchdog?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Aye. She says they give her the stamina of Mo Farah and the agility
0:10:07 > 0:10:08- of Patrick Swayze.- Nick some.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'm doing a concoction to help Fletch at the barbecue.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Help Fletch with what?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Facing up to the bulging fury of big Jim.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I mean, it's like a one-legged man running a marathon whilst holding in
0:10:18 > 0:10:22a massive jobbie. With those pills and a dash of DX99,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24he might just stand a chance.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What's DX99?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It's a primate suppository used to treat monkey prostates,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32and the base for the most effective performing-enhancer known to man.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35It's exactly that sort of shite Lance Armstrong was injecting into
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- his bell-end. - Where did you get that?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40My pen pal Paku in Sumatra.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41He's got a gibbon.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Ah, Wonka, you wanker. - Fletch, you fat shit-knuckle.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Look, we're here for your sister's barbecue, all right?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56So just step aside before I command Spunk to annihilate your testicles
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- again.- Sorry about hoofing you earlier, Wonka.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I don't know what came over me.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I came over him. And I won't hesitate to do it again.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04You came over Spunk?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Yes.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Wait...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09# They tried to make me go to rehab
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# But I said "No, no, no"
0:11:13 > 0:11:14# Yes, I been black
0:11:14 > 0:11:16# But when I come back... #
0:11:16 > 0:11:19They threatened to waterboard me with Ribena.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You're no going to cause a wee scene, are you, love?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Even you got an invite?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Fuck me, mate. There's more meat in them shorts than the barbecue.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You drop a mixed grill down there?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Erm, that's completely raw.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Real men like it raw.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Hey, those are James's special buns.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I have a mild wheat intolerance.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Well, well, well,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51the only thing I'm intolerant to is weak-bowelled
0:11:51 > 0:11:53word-loving jizz-pipers.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I'm sorry, Jen. The secret was molesting my moral compass.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It's OK, Spunk, it was inevitable.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Textbook opening salvo.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Now, suplex his sphincter while his arse is on the ropes.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08A dry Chardonnay and a wee handful of beef Monster Munch,
0:12:08 > 0:12:09please, Barry.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And remind me to cut you a key.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The last thing your mother wants to hear is the sound of you pounding on
0:12:17 > 0:12:19my back door during the night.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Oh, don't you worry about me, Mrs Jism.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Did you just say Jism or Chisholm?
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- Jism.- Brenda, I'm still not sure if you are saying Jism or Chisholm.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Jism.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35A wee lemonade for Wonka?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Up yours, Fletch. - Just ignore him, Neil.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, a conflicted sexuality.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41The first whisper of fuzz on his wee doofer.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42It's a difficult age, that.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44That's enough, Barry.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Did he just call Neil "Wonka"?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It's a daft nickname. Drop it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50MRS CHISHOLM: Tell us about your novel, James.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Well, it's a fictional biography of Kafka's childhood.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54FLETCH LAUGHS
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Absolute fucking page-turner.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And what about you, Barry? Are you a fan of Kafka?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Well, I think he has been shite
0:13:04 > 0:13:06since he left Real Madrid.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10We're losing them. This is your moment.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11I know.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Who wants to hear my song?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24A ruptured gonad will heal, given time.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Humiliation, on the other hand, is a bell that can never be unrung.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Today, revenge is a dish best served...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35..brown.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Wonka, you curious wee bastard, you.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Out!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58SPUNK PLAYING GUITAR AND SINGING
0:14:05 > 0:14:10# Oh, Jen! #
0:14:11 > 0:14:12APPLAUSE, CHEERS
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Spunk. Spunk!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'm not sure which one's the DX99.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Wonka left another bottle in the bog
0:14:25 > 0:14:28while he was trying to sneak a gander at my doofer.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'm pretty sure the right one was on my left.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- You're left-handed, right?- Mm-hm.- So you'll have put the bottle down with
0:14:33 > 0:14:35your right and picked up the DX99 with your left.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Right?- Right, my left, or your left?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Motivate me, Wendy.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You're a big-balled gorilla with a hairy dick and the heart of a bear.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49So, was it three weeks or three months you dated Fletch?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Does it matter?- Of course not.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Who dumped who?- Are you serious?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Every night for a month he was in that field,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58singing that awful James Blunt song.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I can't even hear it now without wanting to beat him to death with
0:15:01 > 0:15:02- his own guitar.- Fletch, or James Blunt?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Is that your gluten-free beer they're drinking?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06- Cheeky fuckers!- It's fine.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Let them have a few. - No, it's not fine, James.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10They've latched onto your only weak point.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12You need to establish your dominance before they walk all over you.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- What weak point?- Your wonky bowels.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It's mild intestinal bloating, Jen, it's not going to kill me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That's what Achilles said about his shitty heel.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Jesus, Jen, this isn't Sparta.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22No, you're right, this isn't Sparta.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26This is Bonnybrigg, and it is way more mental.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I'm a big baldie gorilla, with a hairy bear and the heart of a boy.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, Christ, here they come.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Those are James' gluten-free beers.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Do they swell you up, big Jim?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Thank you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- The arse of a marble cherub. - What if James had the DX99?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The effects will be subtle, Spunk.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06We need to monitor him carefully.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- IN A BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: - # And I would walk 500 miles
0:16:11 > 0:16:16# And I would walk 500 mo-ore. #
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HESITANT APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Oh, yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25What do you think of that, son?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26I thought it was a bit racist.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28STOMACH RUMBLING
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, that'll be those raw hot dogs, Barry, you chubby bastard.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35You should ask Jen where Wonka got his nickname again.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37But Jen almost ate me alive.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It's such a funny story, she doesn't want it stealing centre stage.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45So what's Wonka all about, then?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47James, I told you to drop it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Come on, Wonka, spill the beans.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51SHE SOBS
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Mum suffers from IBS and one night she was...caught short
0:16:56 > 0:16:59at a school production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- Willy Wonka.- Fletch was an Oompa-Loompa.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Smashed it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06JAMES LAUGHS
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Wait.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11That's not funny at all.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Why can't I feel my nipples?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18What the FUCK, James?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Spunk, get the guitar.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It's time.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24MUSIC: You're Beautiful by James Blunt
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# My life is brilliant. #
0:17:35 > 0:17:37FART
0:17:43 > 0:17:45# My love is pure. #
0:17:45 > 0:17:47WET FART
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Has he just shit himself?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57He's shit himself.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Do you think it was the sausages, Fletch?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09On another note, we might have accidentally slipped
0:18:09 > 0:18:12big Jim a performance-enhancing steroid instead of you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Every time something good is about to happen to me...
0:18:19 > 0:18:21..you fuck it up.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Am I a disappointment, Fletch?
0:18:24 > 0:18:25You're a selfish bastard.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31What do you say we go for that swim now, mate?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Maybe even grab a baguette?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You're not fit to sniff Fletch's doof sock,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40you big beautiful bastard, you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oklahoma!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59What happened last night?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You broke into the school pool.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And you called my mum a jazz plumber.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I think my balls have shrunk.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15MUSIC: You're Beautiful by James Blunt
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# My life is brilliant... #
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Do you remember when we saw Avatar,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and we thought that day would never end?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yeah, that was a long film.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It was one of those perfect days.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43We had a Nando's, I caressed your bosom in the back row.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You honked me like a clown horn, Barry.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49That was a lifetime ago.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Someone might have spiked James with steroids.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I'm sure he's really usually a really good guy.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Well, he wants me to take a restraining order out on you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03What a prick.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Do you?- I won't,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11if you tell him we went out for three weeks instead of three months.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14But it really was three months.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I know.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Why is it always the beautiful ones that tug at our banjo strings?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28As if our hearts had never been broken.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Love is a fickle big bastard.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33But we'll tame him yet.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35One thing's for sure.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I'm going to need your help.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Both of you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Friendship truly is the glue
0:20:44 > 0:20:46that binds our hearts and holds steadfast.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Shut up, Spunk.- OK.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You did your own washing.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Are you back, Barry?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Yes, Mum.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I'm back as fuck.