0:00:02 > 0:00:04# I don't care what the weatherman says
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# When the weatherman says it's raining
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# You'll never hear me complaining
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# I'm certain the sun will shine...#
0:00:10 > 0:00:14'Well, that's all from us, and now, for the weather, it's over to Bill.'
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Hello there. Most of us have had a pleasant week -
0:00:17 > 0:00:21dry with light winds and, in some places, even a bit of sun,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24but I'm afraid that all that is about to change.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Some of us may not be aware,
0:00:25 > 0:00:30but a big storm is heading in from the west.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31I know. I will, I will.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Bill? Bill, could I have a word?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Bill, you know we've had to make a lot of changes
0:00:40 > 0:00:41to the weather department.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Not just changes, Alice, great changes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And, unfortunately, there have been a lot of redundancies.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Not just redundancies, Alice, great redundancies.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Tim Earnshaw, what did that guy even do? I still don't know.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55This is so hard.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It's not hard, Alice, cos you got rid of all the right people -
0:00:58 > 0:01:00the dead weights the has-beens.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Not quite.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09# Grab your coat and get your hat
0:01:09 > 0:01:13# Leave your worries on the doorstep
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# Just direct your feet
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# To the sunny side of the street
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# If you hear a pitter-pat
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# And that happy tune is yours
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# Life can be so sweet
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# On the sunny side of the street
0:01:35 > 0:01:40# I used to walk in the shade
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# With those blues on parade
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# I'm not afraid
0:01:48 > 0:01:51# If I never have a cent
0:01:51 > 0:01:56# I'll be rich as Rockefeller
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# Gold dust at my feet
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# On the sunny side of the street. #
0:02:03 > 0:02:05BIRDSONG
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Bill, I thought you were going to do stuff today?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I am in a minute.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Just going to check out the lunchtime you know what.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Want to see who they've replaced me with.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Why bother? It's just going to make you jealous.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Bet it's Brian Dandruff Boy Riddle,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24with his massive ears and his ginger comb-over.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Or Monica No Neck Spannerworth.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Hello, everybody, here is the weather. Has anybody seen my neck?"
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Whoever it is, it's going to be some sad loser.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36'Now it's over to Mandy Drozdowski for the weather.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39'Good afternoon, everyone. The outlook for tomorrow...'
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Wow, she's really attractive.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43But is she any good? That's the question.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47No, she's really good. And actually quite stunning.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Weather girl? She's not a weather girl.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Look at her skirt,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54it is short enough to make a gynaecologist blush.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Just have to switch it off, Bill.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You cannot present the weather dripping with sex appeal.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02It's a distraction.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05No sex appeal, the way I did it, that's the way to do it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Just...just turn it off. I told you it would make you jealous.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Of her? Why would I be jealous?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Erm, she's younger than you, she's sexier than you
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and she's got your job. How can you not be jealous?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Younger and sexier than me?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If they had allowed me to present the weather
0:03:19 > 0:03:22in a pair of Speedos, I would have been a sensation!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24But, no, they made me wear clothes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26They moved on. It's a fact of life.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27It's called progress.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I hate progress. I've always hated progress.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32iPad Minis?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I mean, what is wrong with good old-fashioned iPads?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Look, why don't you call Jez? Go out for lunch?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- You know who Jez is friendly with? - Who?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43The Channel 4 guy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- Nigel Harrington.- Nigel Harrington. If Nigel Harrington likes you,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50you could be back on TV like that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Nigel Harrington, all fixed up, golf, Saturday.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, Jez, you're the man.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Have you seen that girl they've got in to replace you?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01No, I haven't seen her yet. Haven't really had time.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Seriously?- Well, I'm hardly going to sit around all day
0:04:03 > 0:04:05watching the weather report, am I?
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Moping about, obsessing about it. I've moved on.- Oh, so mature.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I haven't told you about Selina, have I?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Bumped into her on Bond Street. - No way.- Yeah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- What is it? Six months...- Yeah. - ..since she dumped you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Now, here you are, Mr Big-Time Inventor,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23the person she always wanted.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Dog chewing gum, always said it would take off. Who's laughing now?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- What did you say to her? - Oh, there was like a million things
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- going through my head. - Oh, what an opportunity.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I hope you said to her, "All that pain, all that crap.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"How do you feel now, you mad succubus witch?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I asked her to marry me and she said, "Yes."
0:04:39 > 0:04:43That is unbelievably great, man! That is...that is totally fantastic!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'm so...
0:04:45 > 0:04:46All that stuff I just said...
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Listen, forget about it, she's changed.- No, I...- No, I've changed.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53She thinks I'm this whole different person, now I've become rich,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55and it's not a money thing.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Just got more self-esteem, more je ne sais quoi.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Well, we all know how much she likes...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04quoi.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06So when's the big day?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Next month - Bank Holiday Monday.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Which is why I wanted to talk you through the whole best man thing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13No, not best man.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Don't ask me to be best man. I'd much rather just go,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18be one of the guys, relaxed, have a great time.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Yeah, I thought you'd say that,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- which is why I chose Nigel Harrington.- Nigel Harrington?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Right.- Not me?- Right.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Well, what about me? I'm a much better friend than Nigel Harrington.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32For a start, you call him "Nigel Harrington"!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35If he was truly best man material, you would call him,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"Nige" or "Nigey" or "Nigh".
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- "Nuh."- You don't want to be best man,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42you hate making funny speeches.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Funny speeches and needles - your two biggest fears.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Can't believe you haven't chosen me!- You'd have said, "No."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Of course I'd have said "No!" But I expect to be asked.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Yeah, well, if it was down to me, I would have asked.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What do you mean, "If it was down..."?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Selina's choosing your best man? - You came in fifth,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01which brought home to me the extreme danger you're in.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Danger?- Culling.- Culling?! - You know what it was like last time,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06she set out to systematically decimate all my idiotic friends.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- You think I'm in the culling line? - Of course you're in the culling line!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- She's already culled Neil and Dan. - Neil and Dan?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16You couldn't meet two greater guys.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Great, but annoying, and now they're both...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20HE CHOKES
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- What did they do?- They made jokes about my list of Saturday jobs.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Right in front of her mean, little face?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You can't do that and not get culled! Everyone knows that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, they didn't, which is why they're both...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33HE CHOKES So you better watch your step.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I can't get culled - you're all I've got.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37What're you talking about? You've got loads of friends.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41No, you're right, I am all you've got.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46DOOR BELL RINGS
0:06:56 > 0:06:58DOOR BELL RINGS
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Sh! Sh! Sh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Come in, but keep your voice down, Selina's asleep.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I don't need to come in, I'm ready.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I'm ironing some trousers.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Selina fired the home help, haven't got a new one yet.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Let's go. I'm starving. I didn't have time for any breakfast.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13There's a fridge full of food, man.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Just help yourself. I'll be two seconds.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Are we still on with Nigel Harrington?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Says he'll meet us on the first.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You found anything yet? Just help yourself.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Coconut cream and mango mousse with caramelized pineapple,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52sauteed in cinnamon, anise and vanilla.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Mmm!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49OK, I'm done.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, man - wait till you see my new 9-wood.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53A lot of people say a 9-wood isn't manly,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55but I can exocet that sucker
0:08:55 > 0:08:58like...120 yards
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'll tell you what. That coconut milk,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02that is a really refreshing breakfast drink.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I might get some of that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07How come every time I say "don't wake me", you wake me?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Oh, you're up, Sweetpea? We were just sneaking out.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Course I'm up. All that yelling.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"You found anything? Na-na-na-na...!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Hello, Bill. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me, didn't you?
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Hi, Selina. Oh, congratulations. Looking, erm...great.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Where're my...?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29You've eaten my pastries.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32SCOFFING: They're from Nin's Patisserie.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Of course I haven't eaten your pastries.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35What am I? Insane?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36They were for Sandy and Tina.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39They're coming round to talk about Rachel's Bone Marrow Foundation.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I need those pastries. Where are they?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Nin's Patisserie? They have a waiting list this long.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- They were works of art. - When was the last time you saw them?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51When I got back from work, when I unpacked the shopping.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Maybe we had burglars?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Pastry burglars?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Did you eat them?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Snowdrop, he's only just walked in, he's hasn't been near the fridge.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Have you? He hasn't stood within ten feet of the thing,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07am I right or am I right?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10He...is right.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Swear on your mother's life. - Pardon me?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You haven't eaten her pastries. Swear on your mother's life.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Go on, swear.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- MUMBLES:- I swear on my mother's life. - See?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He hasn't touched them. He swore on his mother's life
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and you know how much Bill loves his mother.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33What's that? On your shoe?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Mango mousse and coconut cream.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You swore on your mother's life.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, it's one thing to eat her pastries, man,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51but you shouldn't have sworn on your mother's life.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- That's just wrong. - Totally wrong.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- So wrong! - So, so wrong!
0:10:56 > 0:10:57I thought I heard talking.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Bill, Selina's best friend, Sophie.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- She's here with little Timmy this weekend.- Where's the...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06..baby milk I expressed for Timmy?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Have you drunk her breast milk?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12SNIGGERING: No way!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The milk that has come out of her breasts
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and was put aside for her tiny baby son,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21who was born two days premature?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You have drank his breast milk?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25I thought it was coconut milk.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I didn't know it was breast milk.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Didn't this give you a clue?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35"Breast milk."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Why wasn't it labelled more clearly?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Or better still, why doesn't she just keep her breast milk
0:11:41 > 0:11:42in her breasts?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44We'd all know where it was and there'd be no confusion.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46That would never stop a guy like you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48If you were thirsty, you'd flop one of those bad boys out
0:11:48 > 0:11:49and start suckling.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50JEZ SMACKS HIS LIPS
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Jez, this isn't funny. Don't you see?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I am going to get culled.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Look, relax. I know Nin's Patisserie.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59We'll just nip down there and get some more.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04It's ridiculous. A patisserie with a waiting time of four weeks.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05How are you supposed to get replacements?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I'm finished, aren't I?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'm going to get culled, like all the others.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Don't worry about it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You'll make the whole thing right with your wedding present.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh. That looks nice
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and very, very expensive.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20PHONE RINGS
0:12:20 > 0:12:22How's it going, man?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23(Nigel Harrington.)
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You're waiting for us? On the first?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30We're meant to be playing golf with Nigel Harrington.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33We flat-out forgot, man.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yeah. I'm sorry, dude.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Bill downed a pint of Sophie's breast milk
0:12:37 > 0:12:38and our schedule got nuked.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Don't tell him that. I need him to get me back on TV!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Yeah, breast milk. - Don't tell him that!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It was in the fridge, clearly labelled "breast milk" -
0:12:45 > 0:12:48somehow he missed that and glugged down all that breasty goodness.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It wasn't clearly labelled "breast milk".
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Tell him it wasn't clearly labelled "breast milk".
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Tell him I'm short-sighted, tell him I'm dyslexic.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- That's good...- No wait, don't tell him I'm short-sighted or dyslexic...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Then he ate all Selina's pastries
0:13:00 > 0:13:03that she was saving for the Bone Marrow Foundation girls.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Don't tell him that... - Then it just all went to hell.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Yeah. I'll make it up to you, man.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yeah, bye.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Why did you tell him that?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15I wanted to speak to him
0:13:15 > 0:13:17about getting me back on TV to do the weather.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Now he's going to hate me.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20He was fine. He thought it was funny.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22He asked if anyone had burped you!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Besides, you'll see him at the wedding,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27you can talk to him there.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28He'll like you.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I like you, he'll like you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Now, I'll give you some time to look for that present.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- TV:- 'And moving in from the west
0:13:35 > 0:13:37'and over much of the Inner Hebrides...'
0:13:37 > 0:13:38What are you pointing at?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40That isn't the Inner Hebrides, you idiot.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That's the Isle of Lewis.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Do you not even know that?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Bill! It's a wedding, we can't be late.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I thought you were waiting downstairs.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51This woman is unbelievable - she thinks London's in the Midlands.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And her pointing, it's all...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Has no-one told her about the Michael Fish Finger?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Come on!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I'm a scientist - fully qualified meteorologist.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Hull University, 2:1 - thank you very much.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Whereas Miss Drop Dead Gorgeous straight out of modelling school
0:14:11 > 0:14:13just reads it off the autocue.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You think she knows what intertropical convergence zones are?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You think she understands the vortices in the cumulonimbus?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22She's got a degree in meteorology too, Bill. I Googled her.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Really? Where did she study?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Oxford.- University?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29She got a first. Then she did a PhD in politics.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh, well done her, She's great(!)
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Why don't you marry her?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Why don't you take her to the wedding?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51PRESENT SMASHES
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Bill, where's the present? - What?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Where's the present?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Where is it? Retrace your steps.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11When did you last have it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I took off my jacket
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I put the present on the roof...
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- ..and I left it on the roof.- Oh!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20We'll have to go back.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23What? Searching every bit of the road? There's isn't time.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Then we have to get another present.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's Norfolk on a bank holiday.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28I mean, look around you, Bill.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's "squeal-like-a-pig" country.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32The reason you can't get a signal on your mobile
0:15:32 > 0:15:34is cos out here, they haven't invented the telephone yet.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Don't exaggerate. There'll be a shop.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Huh?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Where's there going to be a shop?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49If you can't find anything nice, I am not going to that wedding.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I'm not turning up with a 26-piece set of spanners.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, threats. Well, that's helpful.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Ta-dah!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Where'd you get the wrapping paper?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Cooking foil.- And the tag?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Box of weed killer. Cut it out with some gardening shears.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34And what's the present?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37A special glass tumbler set,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40celebrating SpongeBob SquarePants.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- SpongeBob SquarePants? - With straws.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Not only glasses, comes with straws, too.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Sheldon Plankton, Eugene Krabs - they're all in there.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53It's a great, fun present. It's light-hearted. Comical. Light.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Do you get it?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I am not facing Selina
0:16:56 > 0:17:00having just given her a set of SpongeBob SquarePants glasses.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01She doesn't like me as it is.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03We can't turn up with nothing.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Nothing is better than those tumblers.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08OK, look, tomorrow, I'll go out, I'll get them something else and I'll send it on,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11but we cannot turn up with nothing.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13If you take those tumblers, I'm not going.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You've got to go. You've got no choice.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It's SpongeBob or me.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- You choose. - Listen...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Choose!- Listen, Faith... - Choose.- Faith!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23It's them or me! Choose!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31SpongeBob and the gang from Bikini Bottom...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33..are going to that wedding.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Are you telling me that you would rather go to that wedding
0:17:39 > 0:17:42with Larry the Lobster and Barnacle Boy than me?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'd rather go with all three of you.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Take me to the station. I'm getting the train home.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48No way. You're not getting out when the going gets tough.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, really? Watch me.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55What am I supposed to tell Jez and Selina?!
0:17:57 > 0:18:05# Hallelujah! #
0:18:07 > 0:18:09We have gathered together on this beautiful afternoon
0:18:09 > 0:18:11with Jeremy And Selina
0:18:11 > 0:18:14as they exchange vows of their everlasting love.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16As Jeremy and Selina take their vows today,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20we are privileged to witness the joyous love of a new family,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23a family that will be nourished and nurtured
0:18:23 > 0:18:25through the devotion of two separate individuals...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Who's the best man? - Jack.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Selina's brother? What happened to Nigel Harrington?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Car accident this morning.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35He's really messed up,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37broken both his legs and ruptured his spleen.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That is just typical of my luck.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Ah. Present table's just there, sir.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Thank you very much.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Thank you, Dave.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07We'll catch you later, definitely, yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11You've probably heard this a million times today, but you look stunning.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And it's true what they say, because you actually look radiant.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17And Selina, you look pretty good, too.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19BILL AND JEZ LAUGH
0:19:19 > 0:19:21No, I'm kidding, you know I'm kidding.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You're looking great...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Marge Simpson.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25D'oh!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So, where's Faith? I haven't seen her yet.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Did you not hear? Faith's ill. She's got food poisoning.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Oh, no, really? - Yeah, projectile vomit.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I swear to God, I've never seen anything like it.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40It was like something out of the Exorcist.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Her range was unbelievable.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45She could have put out a second floor fire.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46She was like...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47HE RETCHES
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I stood there, helpless, thinking, "Where's a camcorder when you need one?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52So how is she now?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Well, I just called, spoke to her mum -
0:19:54 > 0:19:55she's terrible, really terrible.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Her mum reckons she'll be in bed, for a week at least.- It's that bad?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yeah. You don't just get up after food poisoning like that.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Here's Faith now.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Hi, guys, how are you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Oh, the ceremony was gorgeous.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And, Selina, your dress, it's stunning.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14We all thought you were ill.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Ill? Me? No, why?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17So you were in church?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yeah, I was at the back. Bill and I got separated.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- So you didn't just arrive?- No!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27No, I've been in the ladies. Why?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33We - well, I - thought you had food poisoning.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Must have misheard, you must have said...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38.."stew moistening", and I thought you said "food poisoning."
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Why would anyone say, "stew moistening"?- Sorry?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Why would anyone say, "stew moistening"?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Well, because her stew was a...a bit dry, needed moistening,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50needed a bit of gravy - it's obvious, isn't it?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54So you thought Faith had a stew that needed moistening, with her,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56in church?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Gluten intolerance.- Yeah. - Coeliac disease.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02We didn't want to make a fuss, so, um...
0:21:02 > 0:21:03You've already eaten, haven't you?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Oh, well...I'll tell the caterers.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09If you could, I think that would be, erm...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Anyway, look, we mustn't hog you - you must...go mingle.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Well, we'll talk later.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What the hell are you doing? You're acting ridiculous!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Bill, you cannot give them those SpongeBob SquarePants tumblers.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I'm telling you, it's a huge mistake.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Have you seen the other presents, how they're wrapped?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's too late. It's already on the table.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- You're going to have to steal it back.- How?- During the meal.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Hmm...
0:21:45 > 0:21:46It's not that good, really.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Tender boned lamb chop in a honey and orange jus.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It's not that good.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I'm almost dreading the chocolate and hazelnut brownie
0:21:54 > 0:21:55in a creme anglaise.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Just go and do the present.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- I haven't finished my... - Now!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05MUSIC: "Der Vogelfanger Bin Ich Ja" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Everything all right, sir?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Just admiring the presents.- Ah! - They're beautiful, aren't they?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Yeah. Wonderful.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- Hey, hey. - Look at you. Looking great.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Good honeymoon?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Oh...Venezuela.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11You'd have loved it, man, it was amazing.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Oh, and Bill, Selina and I were just blown away by your pressie.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Oh, right. It was OK, then? - OK? Are you crazy?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22It was so generous - you and Faith must be out of your minds.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Well, we just wanted to get you something, you know...
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Selina cried. Tear ducts, who knew?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"I've misjudged him, I've got him so wrong."
0:23:31 > 0:23:35And what exactly did she...exactly like about it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I mean, what exactly did she exactly like most about it, exactly?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You know, speaking...exactly.
0:23:41 > 0:23:47It was just the sheer..class, magnitude, uniqueness of the gift.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You really nailed it, buddy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Funny enough, it was the kind of thing she was expecting her friend Sophie and her husband to give us.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54You know what they got us?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Unbelievable, cos money-wise, Sophie's stacked.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58You know what they got us?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Six SpongeBob SquarePants glasses - No way.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Six SpongeBob SquarePants glasses and plastic swizzly straws.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Probably picked them up at a petrol station.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Who would buy a gift like that? - Yeah, who?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11A crass idiot, that's who!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- And get this - they were wrapped up in silver cooking foil.- No!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Like we'd think it was expensive silver paper or something.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Are these people for real? - So you know what I said to Selina?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"You have culled two of my friends."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26She said, "What are you talking about?" I go, "Don't deny it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"We don't invite Neil, Dan or their wives round any more.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"You culled them because you think they're not worthy."
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- What did she say? - What could she say?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36And I said, "If you can cull, I can cull."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38So, from now on...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- You culled Sophie. - I culled Sophie. Sophie is culled.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Her best friend? - Sophie, gone.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46HE CHOKES
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Hey, Jez, how's it going?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Oh! Hi, how you doing? You know Bill?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53You used to be the weather guy, right?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Have you seen the new weather girl?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Amazing. She's taken it to a whole new level.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Incidentally, Jenny and I were really sorry we missed your wedding.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02We were just talking about the wedding
0:25:02 > 0:25:06because Bill and his wife got us the most incredible gift.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, wow, right. What did you get them?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Oh, well, it's no...
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Shall I get the bill?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16We haven't even ordered yet.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20He's embarrassed. It's all right, I'll tell him.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Selina's sister, Rachel, got leukaemia eight years ago
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Oh, my God, really?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26But thanks to a bone marrow transplant, she survived.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- She's in remission now, it's all OK.- Wow.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Three years ago, she formed a foundation
0:25:31 > 0:25:33to create a registry for bone marrow donors
0:25:33 > 0:25:34and Bill and his wife,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37as their wedding gift to me and Selina,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40have offered to donate some of their own bone marrow
0:25:40 > 0:25:42to Rachel's foundation.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Which is a really big deal for him
0:25:44 > 0:25:48because Bill is absolutely terrified of needles.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Oh, man, that is immense. - Can you imagine that?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53They have agreed to undergo a surgical procedure,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56where they're out cold and a surgeon,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00using special hollowed-out needles, sucks out, for crying out loud,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04liquid marrow from their bones.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Wow.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08And all we gave you was a blender.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09JEZ LAUGHS
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Listen, I'll talk to Jenny, see if she needs both those kidneys.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Hey! That would be great, thanks!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Look, I've got to fly - I'll call you, we'll catch up.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Yeah, yeah.- Great present.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Take care, G.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Are you OK?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Jez, I've...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I've a terrible confession to make.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You're going to think I'm an idiot.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- You're an idiot!- I'm sorry. - Have you even got a brain?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I bet if they opened up your head, it'd be empty with an IOU note.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41What are we going to do?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43WE? What's this got to do with me?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You culled Sophie.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51If Selina ever finds out that Sophie got culled for nothing,
0:26:51 > 0:26:52what happens to you?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Jesus.- Every friend you've got will be culled
0:26:55 > 0:26:58in a single night of culling carnage.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02You will never shank your 9-wood ever again.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Not if she never finds out.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07This whole tag-swap thing has to stay our secret.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09(Take it with us to our graves.)
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- But you've still got to donate your bone marrow.- Pardon me?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15That's your cover story.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Selina expects it, that's what you've got to do.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19What about Faith?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You've got to persuade Faith to donate her bone marrow too.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27You know how you're always saying you wish I was more romantic and spontaneous?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Not now, Bill, I'm covered in clay.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Hear me out.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34How would you like, sometime soon,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- to go for a romantic candlelit dinner?- Hm?
0:27:37 > 0:27:43And then because we have everything in life and so many people don't,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45maybe after dinner,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48we could...check into a clinic
0:27:48 > 0:27:49and give them some bone marrow.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- You what?- Wouldn't that be great?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Donating our bone marrow -
0:27:53 > 0:27:56wouldn't that be a great, fun, spontaneous thing to do?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59What are you talking about?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I just feel I've got all this...bone marrow
0:28:02 > 0:28:05swooshing about in my bones.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06When was the last time I even used it?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I can't even remember.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And it's a simple operation -
0:28:11 > 0:28:13you just go in and after a few tests,
0:28:13 > 0:28:19they...hoover it out of you somehow and...it just grows right back.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Have you thought this through?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23No, absolutely not. It's just like you suggested.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I mean, if this isn't spontaneous, what is it?
0:28:26 > 0:28:32Donating our bone marrow so that others might...have it.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34It's a simple procedure.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Getting marrow out of a bone is not a simple procedure.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Course it is.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40If a dog can do it, how hard can it be?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43No, no, I think they have to remove a piece of bone from your hip
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and then they harvest it using needles, or something.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Harvest, needles...
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Sounds simple to me.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Oh, I don't know. I give blood, but bone marrow?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Come on.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Let's go marrowing.