0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Step into my office, son.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30What's your poison?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Oh, we can't drink!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35You're supposed to be giving me mountain rescue training.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Lesson number one. You won't be needing any of that fancy gubbins.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43All a good mountain man needs is a stout set of legs,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45a bar of tablet and a bobble hat! There you go.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48The usual, please, Jules!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:00:59The usual DRINK!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02You owe me 600 quid.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04This isn't a charity shop!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Really? Your cardigan would suggest otherwise.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11That's rich! You look like a tramp farted you out.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13No more credit!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Very well!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Lend us 20 quid, son!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Who's this? Your new carer?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Aye, very funny!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I'm not that old!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Oh, come off it, Jimmy,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27you've been sweeping the floor with your balls since you walked in.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Very good, aye!
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You'll find there's a fair bit of back and forth goes on in here, Conor.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39So, Jules, you won't have met my new sidekick, then.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Conor. Allow me to introduce you to young Julie Monroe.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Hello.- Hi.- Hi.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Looking radiant as ever, Jules!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50What's your secret?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Not being an alcoholic.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- So, just joined the rescue, have you?- Yeah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And they put you with Julie Andrews, did they?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00No, they put me with him.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04You'd better drink this, then. Is it your first time?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I did a few weeks at the Inverkelly Rescue last summer.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08That was brilliant!
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Inverkelly? Think they're the tits just cos they've got a helicopter.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16No, they save a lot of lives.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19See me? I've got experience! 30 years, man and boy!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I know these hills like the back of my hand.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oooft! What's that?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Is that a mole? I've no' seen that before.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27That's given me a turn, that! Look!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Oh, no, no. Stand down.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's a wee bit of Snickers bar. We're all right.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35As you were!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Same again, please, Jules!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44£1.59.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Oooft. Your London prices are killing me!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I'm no' paying that. I want to talk to the manager!
0:02:51 > 0:02:56So do I. Unfortunately, she's locked up in a Thai prison.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That's right. Quite the jet-setter, your mum, isn't she?
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Yes, she is. And she left me in charge. So that's £1.59.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I'm not going to take orders off of a wee lassie like you.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You don't have the authority to run this pub, so there!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25£1.59!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29You might want to invest in a wee nasal hair strimmer there.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33That's it. Pick a window - you're leaving!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Come on, Jimmy! It's nearly lunchtime.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Quite right, son!
0:03:37 > 0:03:43Two of your hellish rolls and fried egg, please, Jules.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Oh, and another pint, fair maiden o' the pump!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50More drink? When's my training going to start?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Will you relax, son? It's off-season.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56There's no hurry, no hurry at all.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01HE WHISTLES
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Ahhh!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Thinking of redecorating?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Yeah! I'm thinking Pink Alabaster with a splash of Flamingo Wing.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You can't change the decor in here!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22This place has got a lot of character.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It looks like a morgue had sex with an old folks' home.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31You can't bin Elkie the boss-eyed stag! He's an institution!
0:04:31 > 0:04:32He's got five legs.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I want to attract a better clientele.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What's wrong with the clientele?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47They've no money, their chat's rotten, they smell,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49they smoke in the toilets, they write on the walls,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52they're prone to violent mood swings, and not a single
0:04:52 > 0:04:55one of them could hit a urinal bowl with a built-in sniper scope!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- And see that guy? He's clearly dead. - Eh?
0:05:01 > 0:05:06No, I want a bit of class in here! Inverkelly Rescue!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Over my dead body.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Even better!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14We'll just stuff and mount you over the fireplace!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19No, I want professional people in here.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25I want doctors and lawyers and magicians and that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31What is it you do out in the real world, Conor?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I'm a primary school teacher.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35See! That's a start!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Good looking guy with a proper job!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You can stay!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44That's a doddle, that. Teaching.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Not really. It's actually a big responsibility.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Away you go! Two plus two is four,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51quick game of rounders and you're done.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56You throw a dart at a teacher's calendar
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and you're bound to hit a holiday.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I do a lot of paperwork during the holidays.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Ach! Your bum does a lot of paperwork, son.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Come on, will you drink up? You're making me look bad.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You don't need him to make you look bad, Jimmy.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14You look like a pound-shop Noel Edmonds.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Acht.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I've fallen down a big hole again.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Get that down you.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That'll put hair on your balls.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Maybe I don't want hair on my balls.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Ooooh. Nice.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I like a man that grooms himself up a bit.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Away you go!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01It's against nature, all that sack, back and crack malarkey.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Aye, you'd know. You could stuff a pillow wi' your pubic hair!
0:07:07 > 0:07:08And how would you know that?!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I saw you bend over when you were changing for the fun run.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I thought you had Jeremy Clarkson in a thigh-lock.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Better than having the Mitchell Brothers
0:07:18 > 0:07:20clacking about up your kilt.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24A lot of guys trim their downstairs now.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Eh? You'll be telling me next you use "de-odorant".
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Don't you?
0:07:33 > 0:07:39Son, I've never used "de-odorant" in my puff. I'm a country boy.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41My body's natural oils keep me fresh.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Oh, right, I just assumed you'd shat yourself crossing that ravine.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53DOGS BARK FEROCIOUSLY
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Get off me, go on, get off me!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I'll take my shoe to you! Go on!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It'll be the shoe for you. Don't make me use the shoe.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Bloody dogs. They want shooting!
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Horrible bloody things. They hate me. I don't know why.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Nice shoe. - Thanks, Jim, it's a Clarks.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27They're comfy, and you get years of wear out of them.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30If anyone ever asks me for advice shoe-wise,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I steer them towards a Clarks. Who's your pal?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- This is Conor. He's new.- Hiya.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Usual, Bill?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yes. Thanking you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49And keep ten pence for yourself.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You can't take it with you, can you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Might as well spend it, eh? - Thanks, Bill.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Say no more, Jules. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, right?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Yeah, cheers again, Bill.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I just mean, you keep serving me drinks
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and I'll keep giving you ten pence.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It's not legally binding or anything.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Just a bit of chat more than anything.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17A bit of a conversational cul-de-sac, to be honest.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It's because I spend all my time with the dogs.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24They've no chat.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Bill's our dog handler,
0:09:33 > 0:09:38and a fellow founder member of the Busted Femur Rescue Team.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42He helps us to find the corpses when they're trapped under the snow,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45or stuck in a crack, that sort of thing.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I'm no stranger to a frostbitten leg in a Waitrose bag,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50let's just leave it at that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57So they're your dogs outside? Seem a bit out of sorts.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59They hate me! They all do!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- I wish I'd never seen a dog! - So why do you still have them?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05It's the family business. My father was a dog man,
0:10:05 > 0:10:10my grandfather was a dog man, my great-grandfather was a...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Dog man.- Yes!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's like someone walked over my grave.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22How did you know that about my great-grandfather, you spooky bugger?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26How could you possibly know that? He was a dog man, yes.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29He's got the shine on him this one, Jim.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I don't understand dogs.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38My father used to say that dog was god backwards.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43But then my mother used to say that ABBA was ABBA backwards.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Which it is.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54There was a lot of shite talked in our house, to be honest with you.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56But they did love their dogs.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Did you never think of doing something else?- Oh, yes,
0:10:59 > 0:11:00I wanted to be a ballet dancer.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04But it wasn't to be.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong legs.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Are you not having a proper drink there, young fella?
0:11:12 > 0:11:17- Er, no, I'm fine.- The boy has been contaminated by the Inverkelly mob.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Inverkelly?! I hate them!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Giving it the big "I am" because they've got a helicopter!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Who needs a helicopter
0:11:24 > 0:11:27when you've a good set of Clarks shoes on your feet?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Well, he won't take a drink when he's on the job.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35The season doesn't start for another two weeks. Drink up!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Come on, lad! Get that down the hatch!- Have a drink, boy!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43ALL: Drink! Drink! Drink!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49CHEERING
0:11:49 > 0:11:51YES!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Help!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Help!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07MUSIC: "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You never said what you do for a day job?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16He drives an ice cream van!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Hey! What'd you tell him that for?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I never told him you were a barmaid.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- PHONE RINGS - Oh! That'll be an emergency!
0:12:24 > 0:12:29"Granny with low blood sugar! I want 20cc of raspberry ripple!"
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Get me a ninety nine, stat!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Look, he's flaking out!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I love this! Let's keep pointing out Jimmy's low-status job,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46it diminishes his stature and elevates the rest of us.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52PHONE RINGS
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Hello? Yes, Jimmy Miller speaking.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Roger that.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Roger that.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Roger that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Was that Roger?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Aye, very funny!
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Just you keep laughing.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11I'd like to see you last five minutes on that mountainside.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Aye. And I'd like to see you take a bath!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19No, I don't mean I would like to SEE you take a bath.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20No. That's not what I want!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Why do you twist everything I say?! You're disgusting!
0:13:30 > 0:13:36- Right, you, Speccy McBrainbox, get your coat on.- Right now?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Yes, right now. Someone has taken a Rod Hull off the mountain.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43It's time us men went to work.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Don't open that!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47DOGS BARK AND HOWL
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Our best option is a quick scramble through Vertigo Valley.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Erm. Should we still be drinking?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Course we should still be drinking! Steadies the nerve!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Never a dull moment up there!
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- Do you see a lot of action, then? - Well, not really.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Most of the girls round here are a bit too Gordon Ramsay for my tastes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17That lassie off the lunchtime news
0:14:17 > 0:14:19gave me a ball hum in the gent's once
0:14:19 > 0:14:25but that's only cos I told her I was a producer off The One Show.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28No, I mean action up the mountain?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I really need to push myself at this. Make my mark.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Certain people find it very hard to take you seriously
0:14:35 > 0:14:37when you work with under-sevens.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Certain people?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- My father-in-law. Rupert. He hates me.- I'm sure he doesn't.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- He cut the brakes on my moped.- Oh.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- He offered me 50 grand to move to Brazil.- Uh-huh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- He shot me with a crossbow. - Could have been an accident.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- In Debenhams?!- Let's have a look at you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's it. Stand up straight!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You won't be needing any of this rubbish.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05That is the kind of reasoning that led us to Hiroshima.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Perfect.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Help!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That sounds like someone in pain!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Finally!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Mountain rescue! Don't worry, love, you're in safe hands now.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- What's your name?- It's Bernie.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07You don't hear of many Bernies knocking about now, do you?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Can you tell us what happened, Bernie?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Well, my parents didn't know if I would be a boy or a girl and...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- No. I mean just now.- Oh, I fell.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Right. Let's get you shifted. Can you stand?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oh! Oh, no! My foot's too swollen.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Maybe if you could take off my boot.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- On you go, son.- Hang on, I'll just...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Oh! Ohhhh!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Bernie! This is the new boy Conor.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Conor, this is my oldest friend, our chief of operations,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Miss Bernadette Taylor.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51But her leg's off!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Aye. She's got a false leg.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I had to have the leg off cos of the diabetes and that!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59But I'm fine now, son.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Well, apart from the diabetes which is a pain in the backside.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I sometimes get wee dots in front of my eyes if I stand up too quickly,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09and I did have an unhealthy obsession with John Nettles,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11which ended with a restraining order,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13but other than that, I'm good to go.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Welcome to mountain rescue! - Are you mad?!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Take no notice, Bernie, he's been tainted by the Inverkelly mob.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Helicopter wankers!
0:17:23 > 0:17:27This is so irresponsible. What if someone really needed us today?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Don't be so soft!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There'll be no-one near these hills for at least another two weeks.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Until then, there will not be a single incident up this mountain.
0:17:36 > 0:17:42Or my name's not Jimmy Mountain Goat Miller! What the...?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oooh!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55What are you doing?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It's an accident. We have to put it into the accident book.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04- Shattered fibula?- Yup!- Smashin'.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Right then, let's get you up.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Ooooooh!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's my own fault, I never strapped my leg on properly.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Here? Anyone know the number for mountain rescue?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh, don't! Oh, this is sore!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- What the hell do you think you're doing?- Well, I'm not entirely sure.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40- You nearly killed Jimmy!- Oh, yes! Would you mind calling me a cab?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Have you been drinking?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I think I probably have.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It would certainly explain why I can't feel this.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oooooh!
0:18:59 > 0:19:04Oh, look. She's awake, at last. You feeling up to a climb?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I shouldn't leave you. Look at the state of you!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You get your wee bum up that ledge there.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12See if you can't get a phone signal.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13That no' a bit dangerous?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Danger is our middle name!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Hilary is your middle name.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Anyway, you said you wanted to be a real man.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, now's your chance!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You're right! I can do this!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ah, it's nice to get out of that bastarding hole.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53You're doing well, son! Stay focused!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Do not let anything distract you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58What's that?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I said, do not let anything distrac...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Aaah!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13That was lucky. I think his legs broke his fall.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Ah! There you are there now!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- So how did it go then? Did he fall for it?- Yes.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Oh, Bernie! Have you broke your arm?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Just a wee bit!- You've taken it a bit far this time, have you not?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I mean, this is veering into mental illness, this prank.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37This isn't a practical joke. Bernie fell.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Right. Where's the lad?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41He climbed Dead Man's Ledge to get a phone signal.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Dead Man's Ledge?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45That's one of the tougher ledges, is it not?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Happy now? With your little prank? - Yes!- I'm in agony!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Yeah, well, don't take it personal, son.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- We've all been through it.- Oh!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09You all got crippled with life-threatening injuries on your first day?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It's a sort of initiation.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You don't initiate volunteers!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Don't be such a lightweight! It goes with the territory.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No, it doesn't.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I did Saturdays at Oxfam, they never tied me up with a Dyson hose
0:21:23 > 0:21:27and poked Fifty Shades of Grey up my arse, did they?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Animals! The lot of you!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Anyhoo, we'll be fine now because Bill is here!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39That's right! I'll just put a call into headquarters.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But I need to go and get a signal.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I'll head on up to Genocide Gully.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Wait, you don't...- Oww!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Bill? Bill!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Are you OK?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Yup.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I just put my foot in a rabbit hole.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11At least, I'm assuming it's a rabbit hole.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15It's a hole, and there's a rabbit in it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18So unless there's been a huge coincidence,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21or the rabbit's renting from a vole or something,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and I'll be honest, I'm anthropomorphising a fair bit there,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I'm fairly certain it's a rabbit hole.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Is there a bone sticking out?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32How does he know that?!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I told you! He's got the shine on him!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I can't look! Is it bad?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45ALL: Ooooh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48That's it then! We're dead.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01How long has it been?
0:23:06 > 0:23:0819 minutes.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I can't stand it! I'm starving!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Anyone?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Something! No?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I've got this emergency tin of pineapple chunks.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I always keep it with me!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Brilliant! Well done!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You got a tin opener?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Not especially, no.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47THUMP!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Nothing to eat.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What if we're not found for two weeks?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55What if it's even longer?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00We'll have to resort to cannibalism.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Well, you're not eating me!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I'm 74th in line to the throne.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Probably.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09I've already lost one leg.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I wouldn't be much use to my Zumba class if I lost the other.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20I've got a new wife, and a baby on the way,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24and some of the kids in my class are orphans.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Well, I've a sister in Ballymena
0:24:31 > 0:24:35who runs a cat hospital.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39That's how it is, eh?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Even you, Bill.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- After everything I've done for you, you'd throw me to the wolves?- Yes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50- Judas!- That's a bit of a dated reference, isn't it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:56All right, then. Aye, yon bloke that dobbed in Bin Laden! You're him!
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Dr Shakil Afridi!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59How the hell do you know that?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I do a pub quiz on a Tuesday night.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08You've never invited me to this pub quiz, Bill.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Come on now, Jim. You're not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15There was a bottle of Peach Malibu at stake, we can't fuck about!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22You're all against me, eh? All of you!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25I see how it is!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"Jimmy's not got anyone, he should be the main course."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32That's very Christian of you!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Come on, then. Come on, you bloody savages!
0:25:35 > 0:25:39What are you waiting for? This is what you want, isn't it?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Come on!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Let's have one of wee Jimmy's drumsticks, shall we?!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47We could use the bones for soup!
0:25:47 > 0:25:48What about you, Bernie?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Feel a bit peckish?! There's a wee bit of rump!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Get it down your neck! I hope it chokes you!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00What are you waiting for?! Come on! Eat me! Eat me!
0:26:00 > 0:26:04'This is Inverkelly Mountain Rescue. Do you require assistance?'
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Oh, no! Not those wankers!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10'I repeat. Do you require assistance?'
0:26:10 > 0:26:15No. Everything is under control. Thanks for asking!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18'Do you require medical attention?'
0:26:18 > 0:26:20No! No! All is well!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25How about a new pair of trousers, Jimmy, ya daft old bugger?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36So, how was your day, Ronnie?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I've had better birthdays.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42DOGS BARK AND HOWL
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Get back! It'll be the crutch for you! Back!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53You heartless, backstabbing Jezebel!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I'm gone two minutes and you're redecorating!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- Don't worry, Jimmy, I think you'll like it!- Eh?