0:00:02 > 0:00:04ALL: Ooh.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Ahh.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Oh!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Oh, I do love Antiques Roadshow.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- ALARM - Right! That's it. Time's up.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Come on, Brother Francis! Top Gear's on soon...
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Even God likes Top Gear. Eh, Abbot?
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Well, every time I watch Jeremy Clarkson, I do think "Dear Lord..."
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Shut up, Brother Gary. You know the rules! Brother Dominic?
0:00:30 > 0:00:3211 minutes of television per week.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Programmes must feature either religion, antiques or...
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Gloria Hunniford.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Thank you, Bernard. - But can't we change the rules?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43That's how the Church of England started.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I have got a few suggestions. I've put them in the suggestions box.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50We don't have a suggestions box.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53That was my first suggestion. Make a box.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Let me see.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02"We do an exchange trip with some nuns.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"Preferably Swedish."
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Please, Lord, just smite him.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09"Non-uniform day.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10"Communion ice cream"?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14To go with the Communion wafers.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Here's MY suggestion. Give it here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Thank you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Two words.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05It's a book? The Bible.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I know I'm new to this,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but sometimes being a monk doesn't seem that enjoyable.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You're doing it right, then.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- I think I'd find it easier if we had some sort of incentive scheme.- We do.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's Heaven.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Yeah, but something a bit more real. Like Nectar points.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Do you mind me asking, monk to monk, why do you do it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33It's a vocation.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Really? I'd have chosen somewhere warmer. What about you, Bernard?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Why did you join?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Well...this is ten years ago.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46I was drinking a lot, and I found myself in a very dark place.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Then, I saw a blinding light.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And that was...God?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55No, it was a train. I'd fallen asleep on a level crossing.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I woke up in hospital.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59The Abbot was in the bed next to me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Vasectomy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06We don't ask.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Anyway, we shared a taxi back, and I've been here ever since.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12You became a monk to save on a cab fare?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It was certainly a factor.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Half an hour till lights out.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Is there anything fun we can do?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21We could read? The Bible?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- There is one thing, but... Oh, it's totally against the rules.- What?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- We could visit Bertha. - Bertha?- Big Bertha.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37I'm warning you, Gary, she's massive. And very loud.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And only Francis is allowed to touch her.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42BELLS RING
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Woo hoo! I am loving Bertha.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Sorry, Gary, can't you ring her quietly?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Bernard, any requests? - I used to love a bit of Sade.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Stop it! Stop it!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Get your filthy hands off my Bertha.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01What's going on? Are we being invaded?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Please, Abbot. As your deputy I can deal with this.
0:04:03 > 0:04:09Give it here, you sacrilegious baboon!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No! Why can't the rest of us have a go?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- There's a good reason. - Oh, yeah?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Was that the reason?- No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24CREAKING
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Was that the reason?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Well, I'm no expert, but I think we're going to need a new bell.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47And a new floor.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51That's the two main problems, really. The bell and the floor.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55You idiot! This is going to cost a fortune!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I told you this would happen, Father. Taking on a dole scrounger!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Francis, Francis. Wasn't our Lord himself a dole scrounger, in a way?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04No!
0:05:05 > 0:05:09No, well, it was worth a try. This is very serious, Gary.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12A monastery must have a bell, to call the monks to prayer.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's an absolute essential. Like habits, or Bibles or...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Sodastream?- Yes...no.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Do we have enough money to pay for it, Father?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Dominic, I very much doubt it. Francis?
0:05:22 > 0:05:28Let me see, our current balance is four...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32..Four.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I suppose that's the downside to a vow of poverty. The poverty.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Chin up, guys. We can raise the money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Let's do one of those naked charity calendars.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Brothers in the Buff.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46January, Bernard,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49with just a New Testament covering his old testaments.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No, no, we're not doing any nudity,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53the Pope's got enough to worry about.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'll go and call the Vatican and discuss what to do.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59You three tidy up a bit, and try not to break anything else.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Unless it's your legs. Or neck.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Or face.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08This is terrible. Oh, no!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I always get a nose bleed when I've sinned.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It's like a nasal stigmata.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Cheer up, Gary. This might not be as bad as it looks.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Honestly?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21No, I was just trying to make you feel better.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's really bad.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Broken bell, smashed floor, secret crypt...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- What?- There's a secret crypt? - How do you know that?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What are we waiting for?- No, Gary! We're in enough trouble as it is.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It'll be fun, Dom!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37We all know where too much fun leads.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Vegas?
0:06:39 > 0:06:44No! The place of eternal damnation from whence we shall never return.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Swindon.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52BEEPING
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Allora?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ah, your grace. Sorry to bother you.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- We have a small problem. - 'Ugh. Bore me.'
0:07:02 > 0:07:08Bell...floor... Bell through floor...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Sorry, the Pope's just tweeted me.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18He's such a wag, that guy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yeah, well, it's not sounding good, is it?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And I notice that you lost two more monks this year.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Well, Brother Christopher left to get married...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28That's one.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30..to Brother Benjamin.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I despair, I really do.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35As for the current crisis,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I shall have a word with the Vatican Bank and give you a bell.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40That's brilliant. Problem solved.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44No, I mean I'll call you back, obviously.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47'In the meantime, I suggest you get fundraising.'
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh, good Lord, is that the time? I have to go.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I'm having lunch with Bono. Yawn.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54'Ciao, ciao.'
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Ah!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Francis, I didn't hear you come in.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Are you all right? You look troubled.
0:07:59 > 0:08:06I've been having feelings about one of the other monks.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- I see. Un-monkly feelings?- Yes.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I can't stop fantasising about Brother Gary.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Killing him.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Don't be too hard on him. We all make mistakes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Remember, when you first joined the monastery,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23it was to escape a mistake that you'd made.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's different. Everyone should be allowed an off day.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I know, Francis. I just think air traffic control wasn't for you.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Please sit.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37I'm worried about you. You're such an angry, angry monk.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- But the bell! - No, it's not just the bell. No, no.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You've been like this a while.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46You're not going to have another one of your episodes, are you?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48We don't want a repeat of the women priests argument.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I didn't hit her!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54So much tension.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Let it out, Francis, let it out.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03You know, when I was a Buddhist, I meditated for five hours a day.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04You were a Buddhist?!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Long time ago. I was on a rebound from the Moonies.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Deep breath.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- LOUD CRACK - Aaaaah!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I learnt that from a Hungarian. Immensely strong and very hairy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I forget her name.
0:09:22 > 0:09:28While I make some fundraising calls, I want you to listen to this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Relaxation for Beginners"?
0:09:30 > 0:09:35There's a wonderful section where one pretends to be a dolphin.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40HE MAKES A DOLPHIN NOISE
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Raaaaaaah!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Sorry.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Look. What's that?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00We've found it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's the Holy Grail!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Gary, it's an old wine press. - I knew that.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09But cop a load of this.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Brilliant. A coffin! Let's open it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14No, Gary! What if it's cursed?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Come on, Dom. You don't believe in all that supernatural,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20someone-coming-back-from-the-dead stuff?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Like Jesus?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It'll be fine. Trust me...
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Aaaaaah!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Haven't opened it yet. - I was just practising.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37CREAKING
0:10:38 > 0:10:40See, it's fine.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41ALL: Aaaaaaaaah!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, no!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47That reminds me of Christmas Day, 1975.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51My parents bought me a puppy.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57And?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Well, they'd wrapped it and hidden it in November, so...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It's got something in its bony hand.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Probably a treasure map.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Hmm. How's your Latin, Bernard?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Well, it's all right for ordering in restaurants
0:11:14 > 0:11:18and basic directions, but other than that...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I'll do it. I got an A star.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"Here lies Brother Ignatius of Gloucester...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Master winemaker of Rudley Abbey."
0:11:29 > 0:11:34So, hang on. We've got a winemaker and a wine press.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Where's the wine?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Well, um... No...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Well, there is...- Bernard?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49All right, there are 300 bottles over there.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Holy shizzle.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54It's like a medieval Oddbins.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Brother Bernard! - I was going to tell you.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00This must be worth a fortune.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07We can flog it, buy a new bell, and bingo, we're off the hook.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Ignatius, you beauty.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11No tongues.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:- We all feel anger sometimes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's important to let it out.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Try screaming, or shouting, in a private place. Try it now.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Go on.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm doing it!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- FEEBLY:- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Good.
0:12:45 > 0:12:51Now close your eyes and try vocalising the object of your anger.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It could be work, or family.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Gary.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Good. Now try shouting it. Go on.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02GARY!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10There, does that feel better?
0:13:10 > 0:13:17Well done. You've said goodbye to anger and "Yo, what's up?" to calm.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Now, are you ready to unleash your inner dolphin?
0:13:29 > 0:13:37HE SQUEAKS LIKE A DOLPHIN
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- We're really not supposed to leave the monastery.- Or steal the minibus.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Boys, trust me, if you want to shift some priceless medieval wine,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49this is the place.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Roll up roll up! Ye Olde wine-y for sale-y.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Do you really think we can sell it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yeah, you can sell anything out of the back of a car.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04My Uncle Clive sold his kidney. Two for the price of one.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I haven't seen him in ages...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11No, I mean, it's hundreds of years old. It could be poisonous.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, there's only one way to find out.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Bernard?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21What's the worst that could happen?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Rats could have weed in it and left traces of the bubonic plague.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Good point. I'll just have a sip.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46How many have we tested now?
0:14:46 > 0:14:4912. Well, you have to be sure.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Oh, dear. I think I might be drunk. I've never been drunk before.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57You're telling me you've never had eight pints of Snakebite,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59six Bacardi Breezers and a Jagerbomb,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02stuck a traffic cone on your head and shouted "I AM GANDALF!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:05No.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07You need to get out more.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Right, come on, you lush, we've got a bell to pay for.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Oh, yes, I can't wait to see the Abbot's face...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Gary. Dominic. Have you been drinking?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- SIMULTANEOUSLY: No.- Yes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, why can't I lie?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Where's Bernard?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37MAN SOBS
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I'm sorry, Abbot.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Oh, do man up, Dominic. I'm very disappointed, brothers.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46The bell was an accident, but this, this...
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Forgive me, Father. Brother Gary...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Muffin?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Is it poisoned?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04No! It's Mary Berry. I've been baking.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I've also got a Battenberg in the oven.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11This isn't like you, Brother Francis.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14No, you're right. It's the new, calmer, nicer me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- I am a placid dolphin. - HE SQUEAKS QUIETLY
0:16:20 > 0:16:23So...you're not doing to have a go at me?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Even though I stole the minibus and got Dominic drunk?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29S...staying calm.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31They also concealed a crypt and desecrated a tomb.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34In with anger, out with buns.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And Bernard set fire to a car.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41BATTENBURG!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44SKYPE RINGTONE
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Oh, dear, it's the Cardinal.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Hello, your grace.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51A frappuccino and a chunky Kit Kat.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Are they all there?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Yes, your...
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Ugh. You look like a deformed One Direction.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Now, listen. The Vatican Bank agreed to pay for your bell...
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Ah!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09..until they saw this.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14So, you have until the end of the month to raise the funds
0:17:14 > 0:17:17or you'll be shut down and merged with another order.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19A Swedish nunnery!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Er, no. St Engelbert's Priory.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That sounds nice. Where is it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27The Falklands. Ciao, ciao.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33SQUEAKS AGGRESSIVELY
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Dear Lord...
0:17:45 > 0:17:49First-time caller, so a bit nervous...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Look, I know I've messed up.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It's my fault the Abbey's in a financial hole and the bell's...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56in an actual hole, but if you give us the money to fix Bertha,
0:17:56 > 0:18:01I promise I'll actually read the Bible.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Or at least get the audiobook.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yours sincerely, Gary.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Smiley face.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Yeah, so if you could give us a sign? No rush.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Well, bit of a rush.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- All right, Gary.- Argh!
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- Bernard! Where did you come from? - Did I not mention the secret tunnel?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- There's a secret tunnel? - How did you know that?
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:- Now you've lit the candles, just sink back
0:18:36 > 0:18:40and enjoy that sensual, decadent bath foam.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Don't worry, your Holiness, it's unperfumed.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48You know what would really help you unwind?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Enya.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52MUSIC: "Sail Away" by Enya
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- HE SINGS ALONG: - # Sail away, sail away... #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00GLASS SMASHES
0:19:00 > 0:19:02CHEERING
0:19:11 > 0:19:12- What's the password? - Bernard?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- No, try again. - Bernard, it's me, Dominic.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- No, still not it. - What's going on in there?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Ooh, that's it. Come in.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- What's all this? - It's a wine bar.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- Dominic! Welcome to...Gary's! - Gary, have you gone mad?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34There are...female ladies!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Come on, Dom, what's wrong with attractive young men and women
0:19:38 > 0:19:40coming together, flirting and getting drunk
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- in an atmosphere of hedonistic abandon?- It's a monastery.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- How did they even get in here? - Well, turns out the secret crypt
0:19:47 > 0:19:49has a secret tunnel.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Comes out by the secret Tesco garage.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54And they do some great bar snacks.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I've got Monster Munch, Ginsters or de-icer.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- All right, babes? - Oh, no! Nosebleed!
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Where's the ladies' toilet?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09We're monks, we don't have a ladies' toilet.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm sorry, Gary, but this is so wrong!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15It is my religious duty to tell on you.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Wait, wait, wait. Dommy, Dommy...the Domster, D-Dogg.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Don't you think we found this crypt for a reason?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Yes, because you smashed a bell into it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27OK, fair point, but also maybe God wanted us
0:20:27 > 0:20:32to break the bell, to find the crypt, to sell the wine, to pay for the bell
0:20:32 > 0:20:35that broke the floor and found the wine inside the crypt.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It all finally makes sense.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42We couldn't sell the wine outside, so as the Bible says,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46"Let the mountain come to Mohammed."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48No, it doesn't.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50What's Bernard doing now?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Ah, well, to keep up with demand, we've stocked up on grapes
0:20:53 > 0:20:56and we are going to make our own wine.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Sauvignon Monk.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So, we've got Ignatius's old press working again.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And a few modernisations to speed things up.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Is that the Abbey lawnmower?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07I didn't know you knew electrics.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Ah, you pick these things up. I once made a home generator
0:21:10 > 0:21:14after the police had turned off my electricity.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Oh, yeah? Why did they do that?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18To end the siege.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Right, here goes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23MACHINE WHIRRS
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- It's grape-aggedon! - I could lose a lot of blood here.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32TOILET FLUSHES
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Sorry! I was bursting.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45WOMAN!
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Stop looking at my...p...p...Pope!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Isn't it beautiful?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You know, and this is going to sound totally crazy,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05but I'm starting to think God might exist after all.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You can't be a monk and not believe in God.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09You could be in the Church of England.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11It's just as well I'm starting to believe,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14or He could make something really bad happen.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Hello, Francis.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Want...to...kill.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Gary, would you like to explain?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25What makes you think it's all my fault?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The giant handwritten sign saying "Garys Bar".
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It's a disgrace.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It is. And there isn't even an apostrophe.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Father, please don't be too angry.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Gary was only doing it to pay for the bell. We're not hurting anyone.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40EVERYONE: Hurrah!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Apart from Bernard.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I can't feel my face.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Brother Gary. You...heretical gimp!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- You've ruined my monastery! - It's God's monastery, Francis.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Remember, we discussed this. You're very close to him
0:22:54 > 0:22:56but you are still his junior.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I wish you were dead!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Come on, Lord, now's your chance. I'll hold him still.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Francis. Think of the dolphins.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Sod the dolphins.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I told you this would happen, Father.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12He's disobedient, disrespectful, disgusting...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15He smells. He's got stupid hair...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18His face makes me feel physically sick.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Steady on, Francis. He is still here.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Gary, Gary, Gary.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29You've broken a lot of rules and several licensing laws.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36I'm angry and disappointed. But mainly angry.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Perhaps the Falkland Islands won't be so bad.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41The cold might even be good for my arthritis.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I really am sorry, Father.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Yes, well, It's too late now, Go on, go and clean up your mess.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01You're too soft on him, Father. If I were Abbot...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Yes, but you're not, Francis.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Now, why don't you go and help him clean?- But....
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Francis, what would Jesus do?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16F...f...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24F...f...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25forgive?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Stupid...WHOA!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Oh, balls.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46MACHINE WHIRS Oh, come on.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55OK, fine, I deserve it. Do your worst.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Really?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05WHIRRING SLOWS Happy now?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Argh! Grapes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Brother Gary...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, you are having a laugh.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Gary?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Gary. The Abbot sent me to help.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I'm very sorry for strangling you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Not.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35BANG
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Oh, no!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Gaaaaaaaary!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00He would have been pulped to bits.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Poor Gary.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Turned into human wine.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's what he would have wanted.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Forgive me, Gary.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15I wished him dead. Why, Lord? You've never listened to me before!
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Pull yourself together, Francis. This was a tragic accident.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I'd better go and call the police. And the Pope.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I know we had very different approaches to monking.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I believed in following the rules, you...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32you were a complete cretin.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35But a nice cretin.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Who I've killed...
0:26:39 > 0:26:44If only I could tell you I was sorry...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47GARY'S VOICE, ECHOEY: You can.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Did you hear that?
0:26:53 > 0:26:59I am the spirit of Brother Gary. Back once again, like a...
0:26:59 > 0:27:05renegade master. I will forgive you, Brother Francis.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Really?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10On one condition. A few conditions.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16All monks can watch two hours of TV every night.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Two hours?!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20One and a quarter?
0:27:20 > 0:27:2230 minutes.
0:27:22 > 0:27:30Done. And you seriously consider my suggestion for Communion ice cream.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Hang on a minute...
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Gary!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- You're alive!- Hello.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40It's a miracle!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43No. It's an idiot in his pants.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Isn't it time to call us all to prayers?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh, no. You wouldn't...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Vespers!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54BELL RINGS Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And the good news, Brother Gary, is that this is
0:28:03 > 0:28:07the only surviving example of a 14th century wine press left in the UK,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- and I think it's worth a lot of money.- Get in.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Sorry. Um, praise be.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I understand you might want to sell this
0:28:16 > 0:28:20and use the proceeds to repair the ancient bell tower at the Monastery?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Yeah, and if there's any left over we're getting a Sodastream
0:28:23 > 0:28:25and a Playstation.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29We're also joined by a senior monk from the monastery, Brother Francis.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Hello.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Big fan.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Can you tell us a little bit about the life you lead at the abbey?
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Certainly, Marc. Where to begin?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41ALARM
0:28:43 > 0:28:45What's going on?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Sorry, Francis! 11 minutes.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Rules are rules.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52You...
0:28:52 > 0:28:57HE MAKES DOLPHIN SOUND