0:00:02 > 0:00:05From maternity to the morgue,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07from cardiovascular to urinogenital,
0:00:07 > 0:00:11this is Hospital Radio.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ivan Brackenbury!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING: - He's bonkers! He's bonkers!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Ivan Brackenbury - the Cheerful Earful.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Hello, it's your friend and mine, Ivan Brackenbury!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25What a wonderful morning at Brimlington Hospital!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28We're LIVE on a Thursday.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29- RECORDED JINGLE:- # Friday! #
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Oh, got the gremlins in the machinery.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Saturday! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36You'll have to bear with me, these are on a loop.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37# Sunday! #
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Nearly there, just bear with me.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40# Monday! #
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I've got to go all the way around.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45# Tuesday! Wednesday! #
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Here we go - Thursday!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# 1966! 1967! #
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It's another loop.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54# 1968!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# Merry Christmas! #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Right, we're gonna leave it right there.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Look at that - Brimlington Hospital.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12It's amazing! It's such a great model.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Think how much money we'd save if the hospital was really this small.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Is this you, Susan?- Yes, and with an intricate handmade model like this,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- you can really see where you're wasting your money.- Mmm.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24'As the new manager, I'm in the process of conducting'
0:01:24 > 0:01:26a root and branch reform of the hospital.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Let me be absolutely clear - yes, Brimlington has had its problems,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33but since I've taken over,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35we've had one of the lowest MRSA rates in the country
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and what that means is,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39if you come into this hospital with a heart condition,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41you're going to die of a heart condition
0:01:41 > 0:01:44and not pick up a secondary infection along the way.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49You're going to be fine, my love. I've got a good feeling about you.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Although your aura is quite purple around the edges.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Can I look at your notes? - Sorry, are you a doctor?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, the amount of people who say that to me!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And it's a great question.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01'Porter is my job title,'
0:02:01 > 0:02:03but I do so much more than that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I'm a psychic healer.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Everybody automatically thinks that means tarot cards, runestones,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10"Is there anybody there? Give us a sign."
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I mean, I do do all that, but I also do reiki.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Can you just tell me what you're in for?- I'm having a benign polyp...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Benign polyp...- ..removed from my lung.- Lung, right.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And you're going to trust a surgeon to do that?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Do you know your body can heal itself if only you allow it to?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Do you have a nosebleed that's stopped?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Can you just take me to where I need to go, please?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It's reasonably urgent.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about this operation.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Have you made a will?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- # Hi, my name is - What?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40- # My name is - Who?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# My name is... #
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Ivan Brackenbury.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Please do keep your requests coming in.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Just stick them in the box outside the studio.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51In fact, here's one now from Max,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54who's waiting for a heart transplant.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56He would like me to play Feargal Sharkey -
0:02:56 > 0:03:00A Good Heart Is Hard To Find.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I think that's another one of our medical students there,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06pulling my leg. They're not funny.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11I know it makes people laugh, but that don't make it funny.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Anyway, I'm biding my time.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15In seven years, they'll have graduated,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19but I'll still be here doing my show, so who's the winner then, eh?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It's me. I am.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's a DJ's job to have a bubbly personality
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and make people feel happy.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I mean, some people say, instead of this state-of-the-art studio,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36we could have had a life-support machine or an iron lung
0:03:36 > 0:03:41or something, but, at the end of the day, this studio makes people happy.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Me, for one.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I mean, I've seen people on them kidney-dialysis machines
0:03:46 > 0:03:48and they do look miserable.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51MUSIC: Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
0:03:51 > 0:03:54WHIRRING
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Beep-beep!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03'Yeah, I do put a lot of humour into what I do.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05'I think that's very important.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07'I mean, obviously me being from Liverpool,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09'it's famous for its sense of humour.'
0:04:09 > 0:04:15Carla Lane, Craig Charles, Ken Dodd, Freddie Starr, Faith Brown,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19erm, Mitch Benn, Jimmy Tarbuck - they're all from Liverpool.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20And, despite them,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23we've still got a reputation for a great sense of humour.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26MUSIC: Love Is All Around by Wet Wet Wet
0:04:26 > 0:04:29'Here's an idea for another record request.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32'What about a person with dysentery -
0:04:32 > 0:04:34How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36HE LAUGHS
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- I don't get it.- "My rear".
0:04:38 > 0:04:40A Problem Like My Rear?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Dysentery? No?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45John Bishop would bite my arm off for a gag like that
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and he's got the bloody teeth for it and all!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, there's a lady in Carsington Ward
0:04:49 > 0:04:51would like you to go and pray with her.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- OK, we'll take a communion, as well. - Lovely!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57How does that look for the altar?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58The bollocks!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03'Father Kenny likes to keep me busy.'
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Sometimes when I'm doing the wheels, I imagine I'm Mary Magdalene
0:05:07 > 0:05:09anointing the feet of Jesus,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11except this isn't amber oil,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13it's Turtle Wax.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Er, and I'm not a prostitute.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Hi, Terry, how are you today?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22I've been better.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- Terry, we've done a lot of tests. You've had a CAT scan.- Yeah.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Well, that came back clear, so it's great.- Hmm.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And all the other tests we've done, they've come back clear,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34so that's great news, isn't it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Yeah, except you haven't found out what's wrong with me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well, Terry, I don't think there IS anything wrong with you.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I do love being in hospital.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Of course, it's got everything you need.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48'Well, it's like a cruise ship in that respect.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51'Except I don't go anywhere'
0:05:51 > 0:05:53and everyone's sick or dying.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57'They're not sure what's wrong with me. Doctors are baffled.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00'They say it might be something to do with hypochondria,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03'you know, in my mind, which is worrying'
0:06:03 > 0:06:07cos who's to say that's not being caused by a brain tumour?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11'The doctors have said that if it turns out to be a new condition
0:06:11 > 0:06:13'that no-one's ever had before,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'then there's a good chance that they'll name it after me.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19'You know, like Crohn's or Tourette's.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21'People in the future might say,'
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"What's up with Barry?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"Oh, he's got a touch of Terry."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Hi, it's David Hasselhoff. Whenever I'm in town, I listen to...
0:06:29 > 0:06:35Brimlington Hospital Radio with DJ Ivan Brackenbury.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Hiya, love! High five?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Down below? No? Sudoku? Lovely.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You all right? It's Ivan Brackenbury from Hospital Radio.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Have you got a request?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Come on, I need some genuine requests to make up a show.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Things Can Only Get Better?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52M People? Good luck with it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Hiya, Head Injuries! It's me, Ivan Brackenbury,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00the Cheerful Earful from Hospital Radio, and I'm bonkers!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING: - He's bonkers!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- You're bonkers!- He's bonkers!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07OK, I've got lollies and colouring books for everybody.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Colouring books? We're not brain damaged.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be going over on the children's ward,
0:07:13 > 0:07:14but they asked me to keep away.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17OK, who wants a lolly?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19There you go.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- I'm nil by mouth. - Oh, don't be so grumpy!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I don't envy you, sharing a cell with this guy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27If you're having a good time, let your face know!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33RECORDING: Ivan Brackenbury!
0:07:33 > 0:07:38I'm bonkers! Good luck with it, anyway.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- ROBOTIC VOICE RECORDING: - He's bonkers!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Yeah! Hi, how are you doodling?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Hello, Susan, nice to see you again.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49'Management isn't brain surgery.'
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It's a lot harder than that
0:07:51 > 0:07:53cos instead of having to fix one little brain,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55you have to fix a million things.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- We don't need a nurse. - Get rid of them.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Oh, this is great stuff, guys.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00This has really justified us
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- cancelling that intensive care thingy.- Absolutely.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05'My interns are very turned on...'
0:08:05 > 0:08:06They're very switched on to new methods.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I mean, I'm still very much the boss at the top with the interns
0:08:09 > 0:08:13at the bottom, but a good manager always listens to her bottom.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Basically, everyone has a voice,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18no matter where they come in my triangle.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Oh!- Med-e-Watch - movies, TV, radio.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26A one-stop entertainment...stop.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- It's so cool!- Wow! It's just like an iPad.- Except it's bolted to a wall.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33They have to be. They'd be walking out with them otherwise.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35This is another great idea. Well done, Lucy.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36The first batch are going into
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Todbrooke, Swineshaw and Lady Bower wards.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Carsington Ward, as well.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Where are those wards?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I'm having trouble visualising them.- Let's bird's-eye it.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47So, Lady Bower Ward is this one at the top.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It goes from that corner and that corner, as well.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Jonathan, get involved! You're Logistics.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Erm, right, imagine, then, this is the Med-e-Watch truck
0:08:57 > 0:09:02and it'll dump off that Med-e-Watch unit thing - not to scale -
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- and then it'll be carted through there into ward...- Carsington Ward.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Whatever.- What are those?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Those are just bits of Quavers.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Get that mess off my model!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Right, get the Brimlington Echo in.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Give them the exclusive on this -
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"affordable entertainment at the point of care
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"for those who can afford it".
0:09:22 > 0:09:25This is Simon Cowell. You're listening to...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Ivan Brackenbury.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Now, THEY have The X Factor.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33We're dead PC at our hospital radio station and we're multi-faith.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35We've got all the different faiths listening,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38which does mean you've got to be really sensitive
0:09:38 > 0:09:41cos some of the faiths get really easily offended,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43especially the other ones.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Christ!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Anyway, we do Christmas and then, a few months earlier,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49we'll do Ramadan!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- TO THE TUNE OF "MAH-NA MAH-NA": - # Ramadan!- Doo-doo-di-doo-doo
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- # Ramadan!- Doo-doo-doo-doo
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- # Ramadan!- Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
0:09:56 > 0:09:58# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo
0:09:58 > 0:10:00# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo... #
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- I do feel a bit better, yeah. - That's great.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05The blood tests will take a few days and then we'll see
0:10:05 > 0:10:07if there's perhaps an underlying issue.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Tell her about the voices, Gary.- What?
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- The voices, giving him messages. - You've been hearing voices, Gary?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No, Ian has, but they're talking about me.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19OK.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Well, I think that maybe tomorrow,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25you need to start getting around without the wheelchair.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27A bit of exercise will help you get your...
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- Chakras aligned.- ..your energy back. - Psychic energy.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35But, for now, I think Gary needs to rest.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- What's this?- A healing crystal.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That's been tainted with negative energy now. I'll have to cleanse it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Look, once you've finished your duties here,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think you need to leave Gary to rest, OK?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The voices have got a very bad feeling about her.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Get some rest, Gary.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'll watch you sleep.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11WHALESONG
0:11:12 > 0:11:14'I first heard the voices'
0:11:14 > 0:11:17when I was stressed out taking my nursing exams.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They came to me, giving me the answers.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Now, it turned out they weren't medically qualified,
0:11:22 > 0:11:27so I failed, but, thankfully, that set me on this more spiritual path,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29which requires no qualifications at all.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Do you think I'm doing a good job, Jesus?
0:11:34 > 0:11:39He knows! Every time, that's funny, every time.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43And then the barman said, "One nun dead and 80!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:46One nun dead and 80.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Tough crowd.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Anyway, straight after this service,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'll be visiting the bedside of a lady
0:11:53 > 0:11:56who should be running the marathon tomorrow for charity,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58but she broke both her legs in a car accident.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00When I spoke to her earlier, she said,
0:12:00 > 0:12:05"How can God let something like this happen to me?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:10What should I say to her? What words of comfort should I give her?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Well, any ideas, let me know.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18OK, hymn number 13, Abide With Me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22# Abide with me... #
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I would like to get more people into the chapel
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and if we have to update a bit, that's fine with me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I've got nothing against gay marriage.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32In fact, I've actually got some good material on it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Cos the church does change.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I mean, people didn't want female vicars, but Dawn French has shown
0:12:37 > 0:12:40that they can actually be quite funny, in a broad way.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44..or if what I've got is like an intermittent fault.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Meaning?
0:12:46 > 0:12:52Well, we had this video recorder once that wouldn't record properly,
0:12:52 > 0:12:57but every time we took it into Rumbelow's, they'd work it fine.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yeah... You know, these CAT scans are pretty good.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's good news, Terry. You're going home!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11No bedside manner. They just drop all that bad news on you at once.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16There's certain things they don't teach at medical school
0:13:16 > 0:13:18and I think I've got one of them things.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25MUSIC: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
0:13:31 > 0:13:35OK, don't forget the clocks went back at the weekend,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38which is great news for you seniors -
0:13:38 > 0:13:39an extra hour to live.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40SHE MOUTHS
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Oh, no, they went forward, didn't they?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Well, an hour less to suffer.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Here's one for you oldies.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# All the girls on the block knocking at my door... #
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Oh, no, that's Little Mix. Anyway, we'll leave it. OK!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- OK, you want to hear this new jingle I've done?- Yeah, go on, then.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- RECORDING:- You're listening to Brimlington Hospital Radio
0:14:02 > 0:14:05with Ivan and Shaz.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Yeah, we don't need the names. It's too much.- Right.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Do you want to hear mine? Then we can choose.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- RECORDING:- You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Ivan Brackenbury!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Making patients better, one song at a time.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Ivan Brac-Brac-Brac-Brac-Brac...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Ivan Brackenbury.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Brackenbury!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Yeah, it's better.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I've heard a lot of rude things said about hospital radio,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40but, when you look at the list of people
0:14:40 > 0:14:43who got their break in hospitals like Brimlington, it's amazing -
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Chris Moyles, Scott Mills, Ken Bruce, Simon Mayo.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50And me. This is where it all started for me, too,
0:14:50 > 0:14:5428 years ago in this very studio.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yeah.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Go wait for the journalist,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04but don't bring her past any of the beds in the corridor.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- In fact, you go and move them. - Where to?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Just keep them moving around or something until she's gone.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'm not really paid to move beds.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You would not want me sustaining an injury in the workplace.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Well, just help the Med-e-Media-Watch engineer, then.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20MUSIC: Black Magic by Little Mix
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh, what's wrong with this poor lad?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- This is Hospital Radio. - Hospital Radio...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29We were having a debate earlier.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Does a mild winter mean the geriatric ward will be really busy
0:15:32 > 0:15:34or really empty? Text us.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39I've literally done my own head in thinking about it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- How does this make money? - I don't think it does.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46But we've got the Med-e-Media-Watch thingies there. Do we need both?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49No. I'll get a curtain in the meantime or something.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Well, we'll have to do something about him. He's making ME feel ill.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57OK, we've got a text here from Dean. He says he's in bed with Mrs A.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- HE LAUGHS - We're a bit overcrowded,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02but two in a bed?!
0:16:02 > 0:16:09What are you up to, Dean and the mysterious Mrs A? Cheeky!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Oh, it's MRSA. Get well soon, Dean.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25RECORDING OF CHANTING PLAYS
0:16:25 > 0:16:28HE BREATHES DEEPLY
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I'm communing with the other side now.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32OK?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35There's always a lot of activity in a building where someone's died,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38so, in a hospital like this, there's a lot of voices.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Uh-huh. Right. OK.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Uh-huh. Is there anyone there who hasn't just got a complaint
0:16:45 > 0:16:48to make about the care they received in this hospital?
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Gary, you've got a message coming through for you, someone very close.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Do the initials GF mean anything to you?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- No.- Yes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02This could be a girlfriend, maybe a good friend.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Can you not take this from me, please?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Godfather? Grandfather?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Great-grandfather?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11I wasn't close to any of them.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13OK.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Do you know a Gerald Farthington?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Are you gluten-free?- No.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, then, they're saying you need to be, OK,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and, with that, I'll leave their love there with you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Sorry.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Did you see that or was that just me?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37MUSIC: Macarena by Los Del Rio
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Right, we've got a request here from Gavin.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48He's having his ears pinned back. This is Simply Red.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52# Holding back the years... #
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Whoa, come on.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59'It can be hard dealing with the local press,
0:17:59 > 0:18:00'even with a happy story'
0:18:00 > 0:18:03where no-one's died or been sent home with the wrong baby.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05They will look for the negative spin.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Unfortunately, we live in a blame culture and, in my opinion,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09that's the fault of the media.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11That's great, look at that.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- It almost looks medical, doesn't it? - Well, it kind of is.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- There's no buttons on it. Really? - No, it's fully touch-screen.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22So nice on its little robot arm! I might want one for my office.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- We can install them anywhere.- Yeah, I know, I'm just doing small talk.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29So, it's £10 for 24 hours' access,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31so that's £70 a week?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Yes, and all the revenue goes back into the hospital,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35improving patients' lives.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Right, shall we do the photograph?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- This chap installing it, me overseeing it, smiling.- OK.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Would you take the mask off so that we can see that you're smiling?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Probably it is better without it. - More human.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01CAMERA CLICKS
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yes, I think this really works with him. Thank you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- What's your name, sir? - Darren Page.- Susan.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09HE SNEEZES Mask!
0:19:12 > 0:19:13CAMERA CLICKS
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Right, champagne back in the office? Not you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22What am I? I was created by Jim Henson in 1955.
0:19:22 > 0:19:29Examples of me include Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31What am I?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- RECORDING:- What am I?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Yes, I am a Muppet! No-one got it.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39In fact, no answers at all, I totally stumped you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45the Loon in the Afternoon, and this is drivetime, people,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48but you're not having to deal with the horrible rush hour traffic
0:19:48 > 0:19:52cos you're all ill in hospital!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54RECORDING: Drivin' with Ivan!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56CAR HORN HONKS
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Oh, brilliant, Shaz, we've got a real request here.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01MUSIC: Yellow by Coldplay
0:20:01 > 0:20:07"Dear Ivan, I've just given birth to an 11lb 2oz baby." Aw!
0:20:07 > 0:20:11"Please would you play me There's A Hole In My Bucket?"
0:20:11 > 0:20:12It's another prank, Ivan.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16How's that a prank?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Have you seen those new bedside media things they're installing?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Yeah, films and that. - I spoke to one of the engineers.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I didn't realise they had all the radio stations on them.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Well, that's good because we'll be side by side
0:20:30 > 0:20:32with the big boys at last.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Are you not worried?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36No.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Really?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Well, how are they going to know to tell the patients
0:20:41 > 0:20:42when there's a fire alarm test
0:20:42 > 0:20:45or the canteen's doing Curry Wednesdays?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Well, it's every Wednesday.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Do you know what, Shaz?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52If we're going to be competing with the global media,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55we're going to have to do a lot more Ivan's Wacky Wind-Ups.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58My relationship with Shaz is totally plutonic.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03My ideal woman would have to be the head of Rachel from Friends,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07the torso of Holly Willoughby and the legs of Angelina Jolie.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10All joined up, obviously, not just,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12like, loose or in a bag or something.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17In fact, I'd actually just be happy with Rachel from Friends'...head.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21MUSIC: Ave Maria by Franz Schubert
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I would!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Pulling out all the stops today, Mrs Leydon.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28We'll be packed to the rafters soon, don't worry.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30We're still one-nil down.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Ooh!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Give me a moment and I'll get my arse in gear.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37I'll see you in the chapel.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- BEEPING - Get in!- Oh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:41We've equalised.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Good numbers out there, Father.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- HE LAUGHS - Only joking!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53HE CHUCKLES
0:21:53 > 0:21:57And you can choose which area you want to go to...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Oh, great, the day I move out!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09'No, I don't think hospitals are depressing. I like institutions.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13'I always have. I get institutionalised very quickly.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19'When I go bowling, I never want to give the shoes back.'
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- # God's recreation... #- Yes!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25# Of the new day... #
0:22:25 > 0:22:28OK, who remembers Bread?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The sitcom Bread, not the food.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'm going to do some impressions from the show.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Greetings!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I want me pudding!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Or I'll make some points about the family.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45No-one? Bread!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49A sermon to me is just stand-up with a message, you know,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51like all stand-up has these days.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Like Peter Kay's messages, there's lots of things that people remember.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Michael McIntyre's message...
0:22:57 > 0:23:02There's lots of things we do we never notice that we do
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and people say that kind of comedy's easy, but it's not.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Have you seen how much they sweat?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12'What's my biggest dream? People always say world peace, don't they?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14'I'm not too bothered about that.'
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, I know - I'd love to do Songs Of Praise...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19live at the Apollo.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22MUSIC: A Whiter Shade Of Pale by Procol Harum
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- Take me the long way round so I can say goodbye to the place.- Right.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I was at the very last game
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Steven Gerrard played for Liverpool at Anfield.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41In many ways, Stevie G is a lot like Jesus.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Look at that great big space in there
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and I'm using a cupboard to practise my practice!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You say you've tried everything,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52but have you tried a crystal colon massage?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- No.- Would you like me to give you one?
0:23:55 > 0:24:01- Check this out!- We've got one tree left, so where should we put this?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Thinking outside the box - why don't we put it there,
0:24:03 > 0:24:08- inside the building?- Indoor garden - very Zen.- That's so cool.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Where do you keep going, Jonathan?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Cigarette breaks.- You don't smoke.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I know I don't, but that shouldn't preclude me
0:24:15 > 0:24:17from three five-minute breaks a day,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19otherwise it's discrimination against non-smokers.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Where were your ideas, Jonathan?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24These two are constantly saying things that pop into their heads.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25If you were as focused on this
0:24:25 > 0:24:29as you are on your human rights, you'd be a much better team player.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32You know the phrase "lions led by donkeys", right?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Here, it's more like donkeys being led by other donkeys
0:24:36 > 0:24:38who just happen to have been to university.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- MODEL TREE DROPS - Sorry, I've dropped it.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, don't worry, that's just Hospital Radio.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47We're probably changing that area into an amenity concourse.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50We'll commission a new model down the line, maybe in glass.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53What you should have done is had them make a tiny model
0:24:53 > 0:24:57of this model and then put that model in your office in the model.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02That's a very good idea, Jonathan. Write that down, Lucy.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10So, Med-e-Watch, what's this all about, Ivan?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Well, modern touch-screen devices
0:25:12 > 0:25:15giving access to a range of media at the point of care.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17They do sound exciting, don't they?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20My trainee producer Shaz is nodding her head.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Yeah, I actually saw one being installed in a ward earlier
0:25:23 > 0:25:25and they look fantastic,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28but do remember we are your one-stop shop
0:25:28 > 0:25:31for any information about hospital and local events, -
0:25:31 > 0:25:34plus, where else can you get a personal request
0:25:34 > 0:25:36on air any time you want?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42It's not really the done thing for a member of the team
0:25:42 > 0:25:46to speak on-air without asking. I mean, you're still learning.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Just, you know... - Your mic's still on.- Oh, bum!
0:25:49 > 0:25:53MUSIC: Someone Like You by Adele
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Yeah, I know what you mean. Let's get you through here.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I'm just going to pop you here, sweetness, all right?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I'll pop the brake on. You take care, all right?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Don't forget me, I beg
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# I remember... #
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Someone phone me an ambulance. - Are you OK?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20No, I don't sleep much and I get cold hands and feet.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22OK, let's get you inside and check you out.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'm not worried, I'm not.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37There's loads of radio stations and music on them Med-e-Watch things
0:26:37 > 0:26:40so the new manager's obviously a big music radio fan.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I think this is going to be fantastic for hospital radio.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47A bit of competition keeps you challenged mentally
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and I want to be able to wake up in the morning
0:26:50 > 0:26:52and say, "I am mentally challenged."
0:26:52 > 0:26:55This is great news. Bring it on, I say.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00HE EXHALES