0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35No, I'm sorry, Mabel, but it's not on.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39We agreed two hours' leave and we can't extend it.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I've cleaned bedrooms one to seven for you this morning
0:00:42 > 0:00:44and I'm the landlady.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47You don't buy a dog and bark yourself, do you?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Roger's up there now, giving them the once over.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Oh, and that reminds me, you've not seen his pocket stopwatch, have you?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The gold one. We've been searching high and low.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01No, I'm sure he hasn't stuck it up there, Mabel,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and there's no need to be so disgusting.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Look, like I said, we agreed two hours and that's it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I know it's your mother, Mabel -
0:01:11 > 0:01:15and family comes first with me as well, but we need you here.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Thank you. Thank you for being so understanding.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And Mabel -
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'm sorry for your loss.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27OK, love.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28OK, bye.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32They weren't that close.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35She did nothing but call her when she was alive.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It's a terrible thing though, isn't it, loss?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It can be so upsetting.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Oh, wish we could find that stopwatch.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49What a week we've had.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Chaos.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54All started on Tuesday morning.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55It wasn't Tuesday, it was Monday.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It wasn't Monday, it was Tuesday. We went shopping on Monday.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Did we? - Yes, to Morrisons, remember?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04We were rummaging through that reduced to clear section
0:02:04 > 0:02:06and you had a row with them students
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- over that packet of Kraft Cheese Slices.- Oh, yeah.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11So, Tuesday morning.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I'm on the phone to Elliott at work - that's our son.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18We named him after ET.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20We're really proud of him.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- He's very high up in electricity. - Very high up.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I always ring him at work,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29because when I ring him at home I get the answer machine, don't I?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- She's always out shopping. - Samantha, she means.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36That's Elliott's wife, and she's not always out shopping.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39What? She's got John Lewis on her friends and family, that one.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41She's never out of the place.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Anyway, I'd no sooner put the phone down
0:02:45 > 0:02:48than we hears this funny noise every so often.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Turns out it was the smoke alarm on the upstairs landing.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Oh, Milton - don't spoil it before I've had chance to elaborate.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02It turns out it was the smoke alarm on the upstairs landing.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05So, I rings the fire brigade
0:03:05 > 0:03:06and asks them to come and check it for us.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11They do it for free if you're a challenged couple like me and Pearl.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, I thought they'd just send round a van,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18but a couple of hours later, a big red fire engine turns up.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21They come in and they fit a new one in no time.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, they were lovely fellas, they were.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27We had a nice chat and a cup of tea.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I asked them what a charred body looks like.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33They left shortly after.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I was sad to see them go, really.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Well, they'd no sooner disappeared out of sight,
0:03:38 > 0:03:43we'd sat down, popped Pointless on, and next thing...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55OK, are you ready for the next one?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Question 25.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01At the Battle of Trafalgar,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05as Nelson lay dying with Hardy watching over him,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09what were his famous last words?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11'That's another fine mess you've got me into.'
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Kiss me, Hardy", isn't it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16That's definitely right, Martin. Put it down.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- HE SIGHS INTERNALLY - 'Popular misconception.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21'His last words were, "Thank God I have done my duty".
0:04:21 > 0:04:24'Hardy wasn't even there, but these clowns won't know that.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- 'Nor will the quiz master.'- So, that's the end of the first half.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29We'll take a five minute break there,
0:04:29 > 0:04:30chance to a wet your whistle.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Right - same again, lads?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Easy, Tiger. You've been on it since you left work haven't you?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm going for it tonight.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41'Going for it, my arse.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43'The only thing he's going for
0:04:43 > 0:04:46'is a bit of good old-fashioned Dutch courage.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49'See the girl in red over there?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52'Yeah, that's her. He's fancied her for ages.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54'He never stops smiling over at her.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55'Watch him.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'See what I mean?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04'He looks like a right stalker, doesn't he?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06'I don't know what'll happen first -
0:05:06 > 0:05:09'either she'll get the message...
0:05:10 > 0:05:11'..or she'll get the police.'
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, come on - this is a pub, not a bloody university!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17We're handing out pints here, not degrees.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Shite! I'm pissing in the wind here, I am.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Pissing in the bloody wind!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25MIC FEEDS BACK
0:05:29 > 0:05:36Mabel, make sure you give the toilet in that room a good slug of bleach -
0:05:36 > 0:05:39we had vegetarians in there last night.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49We're a family-run business here at the Brenroger,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52so we have to run a very tight ship.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56My Roger, he's the captain of the ship. He guides us.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01He says that I'm the sail. I give the ship stability.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And our customers...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04They give us wind.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10These mints are a nice touch, aren't they?
0:06:10 > 0:06:15It's the little personal touches here that make all the difference.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Like putting a Rolo on the pillow every night,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22checking the shower caps for mould,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26and making sure all the hairs are picked off the soap
0:06:26 > 0:06:28before the next guests arrive.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33We pride ourselves on the little personal touches, me and my Roger.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34- Brenda!- Ooh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Brenda!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Are you stupid, or what?
0:06:39 > 0:06:43You've put TWO packets of shortbread fingers in Room Five.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46How many times? One per room!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48They'll not come down here and buy dinner
0:06:48 > 0:06:52if they're up there pigging out on my free bloody shortbread fingers!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Oh, I am pissing in the wind here, I am.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Pissing in the bloody wind!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Have you any idea how many shortbread fingers
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I'd like to give you right now, Roger?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Sorry.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Oh, we've got some marvellous comments
0:07:10 > 0:07:12here in the visitors book, look.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Oh, look - a couple from London, Lucinda and Jeremy.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22"We could not quite believe the standards at the Brenroger.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26"We have never stayed in a hotel like this before
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"and doubt we ever will again."
0:07:28 > 0:07:32You see? It makes it all worthwhile.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, it's like the bloody Bermuda Triangle round here!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Roger! - It was my silver pen last week,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44my clock-radio the week before that, and now, my bloody stopwatch!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- It'll turn up.- And what do we do till it does, Brenda?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Do you know how long Mabel's been cleaning Room Eight?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- No.- Exactly!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I can't keep using your bloody egg timer.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02She's been 18 minutes so far. 23, when that's finished.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You keep your eye on it!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Where was I? Oh, yes - the visitor's book.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Yes, like I said, we've got some marvellous comments.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Of course, you do get the odd nasty remark
0:08:14 > 0:08:16when you're not stood behind them, watching on.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18But it's just spite.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Spite's right.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23They get personal, that's what they do -
0:08:23 > 0:08:25and there's no need for it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Like that big fat, sweaty, fella last week.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32He had a sly scribble when nobody was looking, the bloody coward.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34He's no scholar either, is he?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Look.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38He's only put one "T" in "grotty".
0:08:38 > 0:08:42And what's the need for three exclamation marks after "shithole"?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45They're just petty, that's what they are.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48That's correct, Bren. Well put, my love.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's what they are, petty!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53They want to get a life, these buggers!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Oh, bloody hell, Brenda! Look, my bloody sand's run out!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Mabel! Mabel! Are you done?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well, it looks like no-one else is coming to the bar,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- so I may as well announce the winners.- Ooh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Honestly, I spill more down my shirt than you buggers drink.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It's no wonder your friendly, local pubs are shutting down -
0:09:11 > 0:09:14because they're full of tight-arsed, miserable sods like you lot.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Hey, Jack - it says "Fun Quiz" on your poster.- Yeah?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It says "good-looking bachelor" on your Facebook page and all.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You can't always believe what you read, can you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:29Right. This week's winners, once again, are the Four Detectives -
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- Columbo, Kojak, Shaft and Ironside. - APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Good job you're on their side, Tom.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39If you had a puncture on the way here one night,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41those three would be knackered. Ey, ey, where you going?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's the end of the quiz, not the end of the world.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's not the bloody Titanic!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Oh, not you and all, Chloe? Come on. - I'm just going to the ladies.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- I'll get a drink when I come back, don't worry.- Good girl!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Just one squeeze on the soap dispenser though, love.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56- I'm not made of money.- Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Congratulations, team.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Well done, Columbo.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I don't believe it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13# Love is in the air Every time I look around! #
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Of course, I've thought about leaving home, getting my own pad,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28plenty of times.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32But it's only me left at home now and I'm company for me mam, see?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- She'd be lost without me. - CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I don't think she'd know what to do with herself.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Raz, I'm off out.- What, again?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41That's the third time this week, innit?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- What time will you be back? - I don't know.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45And don't be booking
0:10:45 > 0:10:47any more of them mucky films again while I'm out.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52What? I've told you before, Hot Fuzz is a real film.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Yeah, course it is, Raz(!)
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Go for it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03What do I say to her?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06'You're asking me how to ask a girl out?'
0:11:06 > 0:11:07I know.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10She likes quizzes, obviously.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Ask her, does she know what Brazil's biggest export is?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17She'll say "coffee".
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You say, "Your place or mine?"
0:11:20 > 0:11:22TOM SIGHS INTERNALLY
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It gets a little laugh, then you're in.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28'Oh, no! Puh-lease. I can't look.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31'What if she gets it right and says iron ore?'
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'm going for it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35'Oh, good luck with that, Romeo.'
0:11:35 > 0:11:39'Pissed up, staggering over with a dodgy chat up line.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41'What girl could resist that?'
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Hi.- Hi.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You like quizzes, then?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Gets you out, doesn't it? THEY LAUGH
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Here's one for you.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Who...is the biggest exporter...of coffee?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Brazil.- Yeah.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- That's right.- I think what you're supposed to say is,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"What's Brazil's biggest export?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:22and then I say "coffee" - and then you say...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- BOTH:- Your place or mine?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Or at least it was when I last heard it at the sixth form disco.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Yeah. Kids!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Anyway, I was wondering...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40if maybe you might like to...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43go for a drink sometime?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It doesn't have to be coffee.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yeah. That'd be nice.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50What?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- You're not winding me...?- Really.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01# Lady in red
0:13:01 > 0:13:05# Is dancing with me
0:13:06 > 0:13:08'# Cheek to cheek! #'
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Peep, peep, peep.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So, I gets back onto them, don't I?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I said, "I'm sorry to be a nuisance,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"but that one you put in is just the same.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"We've just sat down, popped Pointless on
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"and off it went again, peep, peep, peep."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Just then, while Pearl's on the phone to the fire brigade,
0:13:26 > 0:13:27her mobile phone goes off.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30It's Elliot - or at least I thought it was Elliot.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33She was hoping to drop him a hint about her birthday
0:13:33 > 0:13:35this coming weekend...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37without seeming self-centred.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42So, I picks up my mobile, and I said,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Hello, Elliott, can you just give me a minute?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:48And a voice says, "It isn't Elliott, it's Samantha.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"I picked up his phone by accident this morning
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"and saw he'd got four missed calls from you
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"and wondered if it was urgent?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Samantha. Can I call you back?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"Only, I've got the fire brigade on the other line?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Well, she doesn't ask why the fire brigade's on.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07She says, "Well, give me a couple of hours.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"Cos I'm just in John Lewis at the moment."
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, I asked what she was buying and she got all flustered
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and then the line went dead.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19They must have put the sale signs up.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21She has her lunch there, sometimes.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Oh, you couldn't call what she eats "lunch", Milton.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It wouldn't feed a bird.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28The only time she has a decent meal in front of her
0:14:28 > 0:14:30is when she's watching MasterChef.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And she's never hungry, just, "a bit peckish".
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Anyway, I gets back on to the lady from the fire brigade.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I said, "It's not going off at the moment, love,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"but if we leave it a minute, I'm sure it'll happen again."
0:14:44 > 0:14:48She said, "Don't worry Mrs Singer, I believe you.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52"We'll get the lads back out to you just as soon as they have a chance.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56"And could I ask you, if you ring again,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"you don't use the 999 number,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02"because we like to keep that line free for emergencies?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Mortified, we were.- Mortified.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Well, you get in a panic, don't you?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I said, "I'm ever so sorry love, I won't trouble you again."
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh, I couldn't get that phone down fast enough.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Of course, you know what happened then, don't you?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Peep. Peep. Peep. - Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- Peep. Peep. Peep. - Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So, I was leaning out the car window,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38chatting away to this girl, giving it patter-patter.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41She's laughing, giggling...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Anyway, she starts asking me a few things,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and I'm being a bit cocky with me answers, you know?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55And I thought, I'll go in for it here!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57So, I asked her for her phone number.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01She went dead quiet.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06I thought, that's took her breath away, innit? I'm in.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Next thing she says to me,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12cold as anything...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17"That's £2.50 at the first window, please."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24When I drove round, she was a right minger.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Nothing like she sounded.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30That just goes to shows you, doesn't it?
0:16:30 > 0:16:35You can't predict anything, where women are concerned.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36DOOR OPENS
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Shh! Stop it, will you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Behave yourself.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Is that you, Mam?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44(Bloody hell, he's still up.)
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Do you want a cup of tea, Mam?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48No, you're all right. I'm going straight up.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Night, love.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Night, Mam.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58I know she's with him.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Sid the Suitcase.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Tosser.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07He goes in the pub, flogging designer watches.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10They're fake.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12They don't even work.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I had my suspicions when he only came in to sell them
0:17:17 > 0:17:20at 12.10 in the afternoon and 12.10 at night.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24My mam fell for it though, didn't she?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Numpty. - HE KISSES TEETH
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Still...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36They look shit hot though, don't they?
0:17:36 > 0:17:40And even a broken watch is right twice a day, innit?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42MOANING
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Did you...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Did you get me anything this week, babe?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54No, I've not had chance.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's been a bad week, hasn't it?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Look, Sid - I don't want to do it any more.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It's not me. You said you were going to give that shit up.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Yeah, I know. I'm trying, babe, believe me.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It just...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It just takes time, don't it?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I just need like, another week.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Will you help me out?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Yeah, you will.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51That's not the smoke alarm now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54That's the reverse warning the fire engine's making.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56So, they come in.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It doesn't take them two seconds to change it and they come back down
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and we have another brew while we all laugh about it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05They were telling us all about their families
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and they were asking us about ours.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Pearl told them she was a bit upset,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12cos Elliott's forgotten her birthday tomorrow.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16It's not Elliot that's forgotten! It's Samantha, isn't it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21We've got a bond, Elliott and me. It's like every mother and son.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It's like... Well, it's like Andy Murray and his mother,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26or Richard and Judy.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I think she's a bit jealous of our relationship, you see.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But I don't say anything, I keep it to myself.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You're best not to wash your dirty linen in public, aren't you?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37That's what the firemen said when you told them, wasn't it Pearl?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Thank you, Milton!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Well, it's a woman's job to remember birthdays, isn't it?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You never remember birthdays, do you? It's always left to me.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I'd soon know about it if I forgot yours.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I just wanted to see him on my birthday, that's all.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I mean, I know they're three hours away,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57but a mother misses her son, and he knows that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00He wanted us to get a laptop, didn't he?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03So we could Skype each other -
0:20:03 > 0:20:05but we can't afford one, not really.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Still, when we can afford one,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10it'll be lovely to see a bit more of him.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15You can't hug a computer though, can you?
0:20:17 > 0:20:23Still, we were just showing them out and off it went again.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Peep. Peep. Peep.- You don't have to keep doing it, Milton!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Well, we just looked at each other. We couldn't believe it, could we?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"That can't be right", he says,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35so they both shot upstairs to inspect it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I shout up after them,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I said, "It's a good job you've heard it for yourselves,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"otherwise you might think we were a right couple of crackpots!"
0:20:43 > 0:20:46A second later, one of them calls down,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"I think we've got to the bottom of it, come upstairs."
0:20:49 > 0:20:51So, we goes upstairs
0:20:51 > 0:20:54and they're standing there with the airing cupboard door open
0:20:54 > 0:20:58and he says, "Here's something that might explain a thing or two",
0:20:58 > 0:21:02and he points at our old smoke alarm, still peeping away.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Well, I'd kept it for the parts, hadn't I?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I never gave it a second thought.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Peep. Peep. Peep.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Do you want chilli sauce on this one then, mate?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21A little bit.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Fucking hell, it's Stephen Hawkings!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30'It's "Hawking", dickhead. There's no "S".
0:21:30 > 0:21:32'Have some respect.'
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Are you in the queue or what, Hawkings?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I wouldn't mind, but I bet he can't even see over the counter.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39TOM SIGHS INTERNALLY
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Carry these, let's get off.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It's fucking Lou and Andy!
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- AS LITTLE BRITAIN LOU:- "I want that one. I want that one."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Whoa, whoa! Mate, calm down. - What's going on?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Do you want some? - What's happened?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58What's going on?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Come on, let's get you home.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You can stay at home next week, you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14You're a right trouble causer. I can't take you anywhere.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18What about her, though, eh? The lady in red.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Chloe.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'll be there tomorrow evening...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'..Stumbling over your words...'
0:22:26 > 0:22:28..sweet talking her...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30'..All over her like a rash...'
0:22:30 > 0:22:32..playing it cool...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34'She'll be bored shitless.'
0:22:34 > 0:22:36She'll be hanging on my every word.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38'Bollocks.'
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yep.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You know where I'm coming from, bro.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- 'Oh, yeah(!)'- I tell you, Tom.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I feel...brilliant. I do.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I feel absolutely brilliant!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56HE THROWS UP
0:22:56 > 0:22:59'Aw, shite.'
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Do you want to finish this kebab?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11'Piss off.'
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- So, it's just the two nights, isn't it?- Yes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Well, if you could fill in the registration form?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Here's your key, it's room six.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And here's the batteries for your TV remote control.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Now, if you could hand those in with your key when you leave,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- we can let you have your deposit back.- Oh, right.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Would you like a hand with your luggage up to your room?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Er, are you sure? They're quite heavy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41No problem at all.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Mabel! Mabel! Luggage!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Mabel!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Mabel!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Luggage! Room Six!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Sorry.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Sorry, surgery's closed.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Can you ask Dr Clayton, please? I... I need some more stuff.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Just tell him it's Sid.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Thanks for seeing me. - No problem. How can I help?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Erm...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I need some more Methadone, that's all.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Oh, great. Great. How's that going?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Yeah, well, you know... Good days, and bad days...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Erm... I need my prescription before the chemist closes,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- so if you could... - Right, yeah. Sorry.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You're all right, sir. The chemist doesn't close till seven.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- You've got about half hour yet. - No, I don't think so, Doc.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Cheers for that. See you later.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Hey! You sold me this bloody watch!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Shit.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Will you be joining us for dinner this evening?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, I don't know really, er...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I could probably do with a little bit of something.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47What do you think, my love?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I am a little peckish.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Erm... Do you have any of those shortbread biscuits in the room?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Er, yes, yes. I think there is some shortbread biscuits in your room.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Oh, well, great. - Great. That'll do us.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Come on, Mabel, chop chop.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Oh, have you been shopping? Anything nice?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09It's a present for Elliott's mum.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12It's her birthday tomorrow, so we've come up to surprise her.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Ooh, aren't you kind?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh, it was Samantha's idea, actually. I totally forgot.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Well, it is a woman's job to remember birthdays, isn't it?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21What did you get her?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Oh, it's a laptop, so we can Skype each other to keep in touch.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, how lovely.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Right. If you follow me, I'll show you to your room.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Oh, bloody hell! What now?!