0:00:19 > 0:00:21Oh, I meant to tell you,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I invited the Crawfords to our anniversary drinks.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- But we hardly know them.- Well, this is a chance to get to know them.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Look, the whole point of living in a city of hundreds of thousands
0:00:29 > 0:00:33of people is that you never have to get to know anyone.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- Well, I think we should be open to meeting new people.- Oh, people.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40What's your obsession with people?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Look, fair enough, when you're younger, have lots of friends,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46but not at our age.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I have a theory actually that each decade of your life
0:00:49 > 0:00:50is like an island.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54So the 20s island, it's full of drunken party people
0:00:54 > 0:00:58and it's very near and very similar to the 30s island.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00It's Ibiza and Majorca.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04But then the 40s and 50s island, it's more sedate.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06It's Isle of Wight, it's Guernsey.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And then the 60s and 70s, you're living on the Outer Hebrides.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's sparsely populated and cold all the time.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And if you're really unlucky, you make it into your 80s and you're
0:01:16 > 0:01:21living alone on St Kilda, eating gravel and talking to puffins.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26OK. The Crawfords, but nobody else.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I don't even see why we have to have a party.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34There comes a point in every marriage, even the happiest,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37where you know exactly what your loved one is going to say.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Parties.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Standing around in an awkward huddle with a warm beer,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45listening to some geezer bang on about Ukip.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Parties.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Standing around in an awkward huddle with a warm beer,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55listening to some geezer bang on about Ukip.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00Look, you know, we could always do something else. Just the two of us.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh. Did you see that?
0:02:03 > 0:02:08She played the "just the two of us" card very early.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11You'd think that the scariest words in the English language were
0:02:11 > 0:02:12"It's terminal".
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Not for the long married.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18For the long married, it's "just the two of us".
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- No, I think we're committed to the party.- OK.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Why don't you just try and have a good time?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Is the glass half empty or is it half full?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- There's a glass? - SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:31 > 0:02:36That's very funny. You should use that in your speech.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38What speech?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Well, you're going to say a few words at the party, aren't you?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Of course I am, darling.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Look at the cornice. The detail.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53That is a cornice, all right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I really don't want to tell you this,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59but you're going to find out sooner or later.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00That isn't my father.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I know what you're thinking and no, it's not about money.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08And no, she's not Eastern European. You heard her speak.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No, it's about...love.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Doesn't feel like five years.- Mm.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Happiest day of my life.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Ha!- Ha...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Oh, and mine, yes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Yeah, until today. Our new home.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- It's not too big for us, is it?- Well, room for children.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Let's unpack first though.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I wasn't suggesting right this second.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42We'll wait for the soft rug to go down.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Oh, I wonder what the neighbours are like.- Oh, I've met them.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50On the left side, Dr Rhodes and his wife, very distinguished.
0:03:50 > 0:03:56And on the other side, a lesbian couple. Been together 60 years.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Well, let's get this party started.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I did my research before buying.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Found myself a street full of shuffling ghouls.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I know it's all relative,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09but I'm going to look like a member of a boy band.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20You just relax. I'll get this.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Where's the yoghurt?- I didn't get yoghurt.- Why didn't you get yoghurt?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- You didn't tell me to get yoghurt. - It was the last thing I said to you.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Can you get a large tub of Greek yoghurt?- Well, I didn't hear you.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Maybe we'll have to struggle on without yoghurt,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34take it one day at a time.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Grrr!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Oh, don't worry. We actually have a very strong marriage.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Have you seen the film Saving Private Ryan?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You know that bit at the end where the two soldiers are having
0:04:44 > 0:04:47a desperate hand to hand fight to the death?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Well, if they'd occasionally broken off from that struggle
0:04:49 > 0:04:53to have sex, well, that's pretty much our marriage.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56What am are going to eat now then?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh, I don't know, darling, but maybe if you ate a little more than
0:04:59 > 0:05:02yoghurt, you wouldn't be so hungry all the time?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Or so angry?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- So you'd rather I was fat? - Now, I never said that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- I would rather you were happy. - If you want me to be happy,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14maybe you could start by remembering to buy my yoghurt.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19There are those moments in life
0:05:19 > 0:05:21where everything just comes together.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You make a run towards the six yard box,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26the ball arrives at your feet and it's a tap in.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Well, I'm about to get one of those
0:05:28 > 0:05:29from Fiona.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, that door shuts, by the way.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Yeah...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37unlike your mouth.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50RINGS DOORBELL
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Hiya, David Bannerman?- Yes.- Hi, Rob across the road. You were out.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55- Oh, thank you.- OK.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Welcome to the neighbourhood.- Rob?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It is, Rob! Hi!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Georgy?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- My God! I haven't seen you for... - Forever, yes, it's been ages!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You know Georgina, my wife?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Wife?!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Did he say wife? I wasn't really listening.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I think it was wife. It can't have been wife.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Oh, Georgy is...- My wife, yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20OK...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It was wife.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Wife... He said wife.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Could he have bought her, do you think?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29She isn't Eastern European, but still.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Yeah, Rob and I used to work together...- That's nice, darling.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Thanks for bringing this round.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Oh, listen. We're having a party Friday night. Number 31.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Why don't you come?- That would be lovely.- Friday's no good.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- We're free Friday, aren't we? - Well, there's this local um...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Er... Climbing wall. I thought we might try it.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- We'd love to. - OK. Well, I'll see you then.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Funny how you can be going through life quite happily and...
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, not happily. I'm not a simpleton, but you know what I mean.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07And then bang...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I'd completely forgotten about Georgy.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Well, not completely. She's popped into my mind once in a while.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17OK, OK... I admit it. When Cathy and I are having sex.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Guilty as charged.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I've thought about having sex with someone other than my partner
0:07:23 > 0:07:25whilst having sex with my partner.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28But in my defence...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30..so have you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- What a coincidence, eh?- Yes. - GLASS BREAKS
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Oh...
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- Maybe you should do the cushions and I should do the glasses.- Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Well, what do you think? Was there attraction there? No, no.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Don't be ridiculous. You saw him.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50We're from completely different ends of the evolutionary scale.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Although...
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Yeah, she's gone older before. She's got previous. This is the problem.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I don't just have to worry
0:07:58 > 0:08:00about the younger, good-looking guys,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02there's everybody, the whole world.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Even balding, bulbous Jocks.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Come on. She chose me.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Married me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And he's right across the street if I ever want to shag him.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I know she didn't actually say that, but that's what I hear.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- So? What are they like?- Oh... Well, um...
0:08:27 > 0:08:32You know, he's oldish and seemed dull. Well, you'll find out.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I invited them to the party.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You invited the old dull man to our party?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43And his wife.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Well, you don't have to be the senior script consultant
0:08:48 > 0:08:51on Sherlock to work out what's happened here.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Well, what's she like?- Well, I couldn't really see actually.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55She was kind of in the background.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- DOORBELL RINGS - Saved by the bell!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- There is a God! - BUZZES
0:09:01 > 0:09:03And he's currently working his fingers to the bone
0:09:03 > 0:09:06in the service of Rob McCloud of 31 Bushwood Road.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Hi again, Rob.- Oh, hello.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Should we bring anything on Friday? I could make some canapes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Oh, no. That's very kind, but not really necessary, I don't think.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Oh, hi! I'm Georgy. I've just moved in across the road.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Sorry, this is Cathy, my...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'm going to have to say wife.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Oh...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Can I say secretary?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34That's a tough sell.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Robot?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38No, you're probably right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Cathy, my wife.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Oh, hi. Pleased to meet you. - Rob and I used to work together.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Yes, we hardly knew each other.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55So are you sure about the canapes, or I could do figs and pancetta?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Well, I mean, figs and pancetta...
0:09:57 > 0:10:01No, cos we've already ordered the sausage rolls, so... Thanks.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That's right.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Well, I'll see you at the party. - Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye-bye.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Why didn't you mention that you knew her?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Well, it hardly seemed relevant.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I can't tell you every time I meet a woman I know.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Word to the wise.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22It's the unmentioned women that you want to worry about.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25The mentioned ones, the "Oh, you must meet Mary,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"she's such a laugh, you'll love her"...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Mary's the one that ends up looking like Ray Winstone in skirt.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But she's just moved in opposite.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Well, obviously I would have mentioned it eventually.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I mean, they're coming to the party.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43What are you trying to imply?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Bringing out the big gun of moral outrage early.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I think it's playing quite well.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53He probably thinks this moral outrage is playing quite well.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57But the key now is to get out of here elegantly
0:10:57 > 0:10:59without it appearing that I'm legging it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I should get up to the butcher's and get those sausage rolls.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's as if I have my own microclimate and it just
0:11:11 > 0:11:16pours all day and there's tsunamis and plagues of frogs.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17It's just a speech.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'll have to say something nice.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"I love you" is probably expected.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I can't say that.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29I'm Scottish.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"I love you" should be reserved
0:11:34 > 0:11:37for when you're trying to get into someone's pants or...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39dying.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Look, stop worrying. We'll adapt my wedding speech.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I'm pretty sure I said "I love you" in that.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Ah! Yes, good.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"There isn't a happier man in the world than me,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"now that Fiona is my wife."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Yeah, but what if you don't think that any longer?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Well, I didn't think it back then.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04But it's expected of you. Something to get your gran crying.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- I'm not sure I can use much of this, mate.- Oh, come on. It writes itself.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13Um... "As happy today as I was then. I love you, Cathy."
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Now, look me in the eye and do it only to me.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Wait a minute. That's The King's Speech, isn't it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23There's our answer. I'll develop a stutter.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Hi, Rob. How are you?- Oh, hey. - Where did you put my yoghurt?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Argh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- I'm sorry. I forgot again.- That's why you went out, to get my yoghurt!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'm sorry. I forgot. I've got a lot on my mind.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Oh, no. It's all about to kick off.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Oh, yeah? Like what?- Like work.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48It's very pressured providing for you and maintaining our lifestyle.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Oh, right. Yeah. Big pressure.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"Oh, do you think this new house should have a roof on it?" "Oh, yes!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"A roof! Oh, that's a good idea!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58There is more to construction than that.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Oh, you're in big Lego, that's all.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I must look like a ventriloquist's dummy.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10How about this then? You go to work full time and I'll work part time.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I have a part-time job and another full-time job running this house
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- and waiting on you hand and foot.- Oh, right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You bung a macaroni cheese in the microwave, sit on your arse
0:13:19 > 0:13:21with a bottle of Pinot Grigio,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Just go back out and get me my yoghurt.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Later. We are going to watch the game.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Fiona!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Mm?- I told you to record the game. - No, you didn't.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Yes, I did! Oh, do you listen to a single word I say?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Well, I heard you say "I do" but since then, no.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I haven't really been listening.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Oh, darling. Tell me the truth.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You don't ever worry about the age gap, do you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- No, of course not. Young men are just boys.- Mm.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07OK, so they're fit and vigorous and full of drive and energy,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09but I prefer...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17..you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22I mean, at the moment, it's fine. I'm 63, you're 34.
0:14:22 > 0:14:28But when I'm 73 and you're 44, does the gap seem bigger somehow?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I mean, when you're 54, I'll be...
0:14:32 > 0:14:3383.
0:14:33 > 0:14:3583? Did you hear that?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He's planning on living until 83!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And with medical advances, 93's not impossible.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Oh, dear God!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Can we please just skip to the part where he's dead and I'm still alive?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Sorry, I didn't mean that. That is awful of me. Not dead.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54An accident maybe.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Just something to stop him from getting up the stairs.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Where are you going?- Running. - Oh, right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06She's going running.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09She's taking her bottom out of the house.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It's cold out, isn't it?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Wrap up. Wear a duvet. Or exercise here, it's a big house.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Run to the kitchen and back. - No, I fancy some fresh air.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I tell you what, I'm coming with you.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- You don't have to wait for me, darling. Go at your own speed.- OK.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- What do you think?- Hm, how stiff's the competition?- Pretty stiff.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- What does she look like?- Well, like something that would come up
0:15:41 > 0:15:44if you googled "massive threat in skimpy pants."
0:15:45 > 0:15:47What are you worried about, then?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- She's not going to be interested in Rob.- Why not?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Rob's not that bad looking.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Cathy, a five-year-old could draw a better looking man than Rob.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- Oh, are you sure?- Totally. Look.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Rob's the one who should be worried.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08You are a gorgeous-looking woman, and he is very lucky to have you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12You're going to smash the competition. Now, say it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- I am going to smash the competition. - Smash her right out the park.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- Right out the park.- Bash her! - Bash her!- Yes, that's it!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Yeah, I'm going
0:16:22 > 0:16:25to mash a plate of sausage rolls right into her figgy, little face.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Oh, no, pull back from that.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37OK, the party's in a day, so I've got 24 hours to lose two stone.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And grow hair. I'm going to exercise so hard that my hair grows back.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46BOTH: Oh! Ah!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Hey, Rob, hi.- Oh.- So, you run.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Sure.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Don't get a body like this by accident.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Oh, hi, I'm Georgy, I'm Rob's new neighbour.- Evan.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- Um, well, I'll see you Friday.- Yeah.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- That's your new neighbour?- Yeah.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Man. Ho-ho, this is going to be difficult.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I've got no interest in her.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm a married man. I took vows.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Marriage vows?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27That's a sophisticated version of "I'll be home at seven."
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I could never have an affair, though. I couldn't face the kids.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34The kids have left home. They couldn't care less.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37They probably don't even know where you live.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41HE PANTS
0:17:41 > 0:17:42H...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44HE WHEEZES
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Who's that?- The husband.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53And I was worried we were too old for her. Look.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55She's only gone and married Gandalf.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05What do you think about the hat?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Is it too much?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10No, I think I can get away with it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14DANCE MUSIC
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Two billion men in the world and this is the one I choose.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Let me just say something to the single women.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38There are three stages of marriage -
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I married him!
0:18:39 > 0:18:40I married him?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I married HIM?!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Rob.- Oh.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47MUSIC STOPS
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- What do you think?- Great, yeah. You look great.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57Oh, I'm not sure that she does, actually. I thi...
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I think it's her legs.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Look at her legs. They're not even like legs.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06They're like little thumbs.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08She's got little thumb legs.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- It's not too short?- The dress?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13No, it is thumb-thing else.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Did he say "thumb-thing else"?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Did I say "THUMB-thing else"?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22God, I did, didn't I? It's because of her thumb legs.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25For the rest of my marriage, every time I see her,
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I'm going to be thinking of thumbs.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I'll be on my deathbed, full of meds, crying out for Thumbelina.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You look g-g-g-g-
0:19:36 > 0:19:38gorgeous.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Don't think you're going to get out of making
0:19:40 > 0:19:42a speech by developing a stutter.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I wasn't trying to... Oh, it's cleared up.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- How do I look?- Fantastic.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02What colour's my dress?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Is it the kind of mauve one?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I'm wearing jeans. Come on, let's go.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Oh, before we go, shall we have some yoghurt?- Oh.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Ah. Oh, no. There isn't any.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- You want me to wear this? - I think you look great.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25No! I'm getting changed.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Sorry. Hey, Evan.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- I thought I'd do this. - Rather than what we rehearsed?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Yeah, keep it light. No-one wants this lovey-dovey stuff.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- Sorry, excuse me, everyone. If I could just...- Sorry, Rob.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Before the main event, can I say something?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Thank you to our hosts and to everyone for making us so welcome.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I know I'm going to be very happy here, although how could I not be
0:20:57 > 0:21:01with such a wonderful, beautiful wife by my side?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03ALL: Aw!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Look up perfection in the dictionary and it simply says, "See Georgina."
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Look up blissfully happy and it says, "See David."- Oh!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Rob.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I'm slightly concerned now that... tonally,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I may be wide of the mark here.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36There was a young girl called Cathy...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40No, I'm kidding, of course.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm not going to do a limerick. No, no.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45What I really wanted to say was, well, firstly, thank you,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48all, for coming here tonight to help us celebrate our anniversary.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50THEY CHEER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I think that all any of us hope for in life is, well,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57to meet our soul mate. You know, to feel joined,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00to have that connection.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03For two halves to become a whole is a...
0:22:03 > 0:22:08Well, it is a wonderful, rare and precious thing.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I just want to finish by saying I really,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16really love you, Georgy.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And Fiona!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30And Evan!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I love all my friends but, you know...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But, but, most of all, more than anything,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39above all else, I love my wife, Cathy!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41MUTED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:44 > 0:22:48OK, I want you to be brutally honest.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Do you think I got away with that?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Fine. Fine, yeah, no-one noticed.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Phew!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Under the circumstances, I think that was the kindest thing to say.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Don't you?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I have precision bombed the area of my brain
0:23:10 > 0:23:13containing the memory of tonight with wine.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And whisky.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Tequila.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18And something blue I found under the sink.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Why do you think she's with him, Cathy?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's got to be about money.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27She's obviously quite shallow, yeah. She's a shallow gold-digger.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Went slightly further than I meant to.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Intended to mildly diss,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34ended up calling her a money-grubbing whore.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Or she's just too young to know better.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Oh, she's not that young!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Well, she's younger than you.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Us.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Sh... Younger than us.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Well, she's certainly very pretty though, isn't she?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49GARBLED RESPONSE
0:23:49 > 0:23:51He often does this
0:23:51 > 0:23:53to dodge the bullet.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Technically he has answered me, but I've no idea what he said.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00The Prime Minister should use this technique at the dispatch box.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Are you going to privatise the NHS?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05GARBLED RESPONSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I can recommend this avoidance technique.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12There was an occasion after an incident at the office
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Christmas party where I kept brushing for 25 minutes!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19They were bleeding. Not my gums, my actual teeth.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21DOORBELL RINGS
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So what happened?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Well, I got a tub of yogurt and I put it on her side of the bed
0:24:31 > 0:24:34with a note saying, "Happy now?"
0:24:35 > 0:24:40But she didn't see it, so she sits on it and yogurt goes everywhere.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, it goes all over the bed, it's all over her and she starts,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Oh, you're such a child. Why don't you grow up?"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- It'll be fine, it'll all blow over by the morning.- Yeah.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Hey, what about you, though?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Yeah, fine.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55I'm sure the next 30 years of my life are going to fly by.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57MOBILE BEEPS
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Oh, that'll be Fiona.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I can't face it, tell me what it says?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Well...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It's a selfie.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I'm seeing slightly more of your wife than I ever expected to.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Fortunately she is covered in quite a lot of yogurt.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Any message?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- "Fancy some yogurt?"- Oh.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's an interesting development.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I best be going.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26See you later, pal.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Yeah, see you tomorrow. - See you, bye.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Right...
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Bed?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Drink?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Yeah.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I thought so.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Poor old, Rob.- Hm.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44- It's an innocent mistake.- Mm.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What do you make of him?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Do you think he's...
0:25:48 > 0:25:49..attractive?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Rob?!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I have to do this for every man he mentions.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59- Rob?- Yeah.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Well, this is reassuring.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Although, is she overdoing it, do you think?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Is she playing me?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Oh, God, I nearly slapped my thigh there.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Oh, you are silly sometimes, David.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'm going to bed.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I'm right behind you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING - Rob...
0:26:27 > 0:26:30She chose me, she married me.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Still...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35..just to be on the safe side, I think a move to the country.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I hear St Kilda's nice.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- WHISPERING:- Is she asleep yet?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I can't tell and I don't want to look.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I am awake.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But if you don't tell him, I won't.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, I know you're awake!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Look, I'm sorry.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I-I was nervous and...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You shouldn't have suggested I make a speech in the first place.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Oh, so it's my fault!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09It's not entirely, no, but you're an accessory.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Look...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14No more parties, huh?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Why can't we do something...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19just the two of us... for a change?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Why don't we go back to Rome?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We could stay in the same hotel and...
0:27:24 > 0:27:27go to... What was the name of that restaurant we loved?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- The Sorrento.- The Sorrento, yeah.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Where you threw melon at that opera singer.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Grapes.- Grapes, yeah.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34HE SIGHS
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Let's do it, huh?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Yeah, definitely.- OK.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I'll book flights tomorrow.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45OK. Goodnight, Rob.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Goodnight, Georgy.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh, f...!