0:00:02 > 0:00:04# It's over in a minute when you're travelling through time
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# It's over in a minute, hey, my name is Tim Vine
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# It's over in a minute
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# But there is a small chance that it might feel a bit longer. #
0:00:15 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:18 > 0:00:21WHISTLING
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, everyone! Welcome to my show all about time travel.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Goodnight.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Yes, this is Tim's Antiques, full of bits of yesteryear.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Ooh, look, a small blue garden bird, made of mahogany.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Be great if I had a related joke - wooden tit?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50See, this... This is one of the saddest paintings
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I've ever seen in my life.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55It may not look sad to you, but this was the scene half a second earlier.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02And over here on the wall, look,
0:01:02 > 0:01:03an unusual timepiece
0:01:03 > 0:01:05shaped like a footballer - it's Theo Wallclock.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10This shop has been open for ages
0:01:10 > 0:01:12and we still haven't had the grand opening.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'm holding out till I can find a big celebrity to cut the ribbon.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16DOOR CHIMES
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Ooh, a customer!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's the charming Ore Oduba!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22MUSIC: Theme from Strictly Come Dancing
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Hip-hip...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- AUDIENCE:- Hooray!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32No, O-re!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Hello, Ore, what a stylish entrance.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Ah, thank you, Tim.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, yeah, dancing has opened a lot of doors for me.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41A joke about a door. There was a lot hinging on that.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Hey, and we're both dancers, aren't we?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46ORE CHUCKLES
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Are you a dancer?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Am I a dancer? Does this answer your question?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah, it does.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Let's talk about your sports presenting.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Getting to do the Olympics must have been amazing.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ah, what an experience. As soon as I heard my phone go off
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I KNEW it was the Olympics.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Five rings?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Yeah. That's funny.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Cheers.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I love this painting.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ah, now, this is one of the saddest paintings I've ever seen in my life.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It may not look sad to you...
0:02:24 > 0:02:26..but this was the scene half a second earlier.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34But enough of this daring, knock-about frivolity,
0:02:34 > 0:02:35what brings you hence?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Beautifully written.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Well, Tim, I'm looking for someone to repair this antique.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Ah, two golden arrows.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45One is missing a feather, the other is missing a point.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51No, it's one golden arrow, broken into two. YOU'RE missing the point.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Oh.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Everyone's an expert. So, er, I will fix this for you,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00IF you cut the ribbon at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It's a deal! I'll come back tomorrow.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It's a half-hour show. Come back in 20 minutes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Thank you, Ore Oduba!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Brilliant. I've finally booked a celebrity for the grand opening.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Now, let me show you something extra special.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Have a look at this.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22This is my grandfather's magic time-travelling clock.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25To fix Ore's arrow, we must go back to medieval times.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Yes, I will set the clock hands to the time 12:05,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33which conveniently represents the year 1205.
0:03:34 > 0:03:361066 is a difficult one.
0:03:38 > 0:03:421205 - the age of the wandering Malteser.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Well, the travelling minstrel, but it's close enough.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48CLOCK WHIRS AND CHIMES
0:03:48 > 0:03:49The bongs! The bongs!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Follow me to a world of castles, bowmen, knights and maidens.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I hope I see my friend Lance. I don't see Lance a lot.
0:03:55 > 0:04:001205, here I co-o-o-ome!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04TARDIS-LIKE ECHOING
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Oh, my goodness! Where am I?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11BIRDSONG
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That was a nice bit of acting to get us started, wasn't it?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Ah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19So this is 1205.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Ah!
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Oh, look at that, a flock of robins. That's rare.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Well, CGI's so last year - and it's expensive.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30We can only afford it once a week.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31CGI Fridays.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Ah, look at this beautiful waterfall.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Ah!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's been a long journey, I think I'll wash my face.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Ah! Ah! That's so refreshing.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51The water is so clean and pure with a small risk of suffocation.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Mm, look at that. I'm dribbling.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59FANFARE
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Someone's blowing their own trumpet!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I am brave!
0:05:12 > 0:05:13I am strong.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And I'm a little bit emotional.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21It's Robin Hood, looking remarkably like the multi-talented Ore Oduba.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And who knew he could act?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Does anyone know if he can act?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29At last, I am alone with my tormented thoughts.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Bafta, Bafta!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33She doesn't love me any more!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I will drown myself...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38in this waterfall.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Good luck with that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Stop!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44What?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Who are you?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'm Tim Vine. You may have seen me on the radio.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Comedian, singer, actor.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- You're an actor? - Well, comedian, singer.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- You're a singer? - Well, comedian.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I'm not crossing any more of the list.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Look, I'm honoured to meet you, Tim, but I can't talk now.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I want to leave this world!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Tell me what's troubling you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Well, it's like this.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09At last - a bit of plot!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Did somebody say Foxtrot?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LIVELY BIG-BAND MUSIC
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20You can't hide your troubles with dance!
0:06:20 > 0:06:21You are right.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I am forlorn.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Forlorn!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I am for decking, for decking!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30No mowing, you see.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37I love Maid Marian, but she no longer returneth my affection.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41HE GASPS AND WAILS
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It's all right. You've got the part.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Oh-ho-ho!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Listen, Robin, I will help you with Maid Marian.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Your hand hath touched the window of my heart.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I felt your pane!
0:07:00 > 0:07:01I'm revived!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I am brave, I am strong.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Farewell!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Farewell!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11He did fare well, didn't he?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Ah, hope I'm doing the right thing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It was either this or The Jump.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I have to get Maid Marian to love Robin Hood again,
0:07:20 > 0:07:21but how can I do that?!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22APPROACHING CHATTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25What's that commotion? It's not very loud, it's more of a...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26low commotion.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's men and they're merry.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Men who are merry? They must be known as
0:07:33 > 0:07:34the happy chaps!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39THEY GRUNT AND GROAN
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I've got two turnips that say Little John will win.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Have you got talking turnips?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49This fight's going to go on forever, mate.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Why?- Because the sticks are joined in the middle.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58See that? It's a staff meeting.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59What have we got here?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01It's my shirt.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02And that was off the cuff.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04HE LAUGHS HEARTILY
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Sounds like this chap's a Tim Vine fan!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Don't be frightened of that noise, viewers. It's called laughter.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Tuck! Be quiet.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Who sent you?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Nobody.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18That wasn't a joke, follow him.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Well, who are you?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I'm Tim Vine - comedian, singer, actor.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- You're an actor?- I'm not going through all that again.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28We...are the Merry Men.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yeah, well, let your face know.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Cheer up, Little John.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35I don't trust him, Tuck.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Tries to make a joke out of everything.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Not everything.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, come, stranger. Sit by the fire.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Make yourself comfortable on one of these saddles.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Ah, thank you for your horse-pitality.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:51 > 0:08:53No, you can't beat a real fire, can you?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Gentlemen, let's introduce ourselves.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00This is Friar Tuck, I'm Little John.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, yeah, the old ironic "Little John" thing,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05cos you're actually quite big.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07How do you mean?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Nothing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And what about you? You look as though
0:09:10 > 0:09:11you've been run over by a horse.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I have.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15You know that song,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen"?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yes?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I'm Glen.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Let me make a toast.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29To Robin, our brave leader.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31ALL: To Robin!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34"FIRE" HISSES
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"FIRE" HISSES MORE FIERCELY
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Listen, chaps, on the subject of Robin, I just saw him
0:09:45 > 0:09:46and he was disturbed and uppity.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Uppity?- Yes, please. Milk, one sugar.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Keep up! The thing is, I promised I'd help him with Maid Marian,
0:09:53 > 0:09:54but I don't know what to do.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56One of us needs to be matchmaker.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Don't be cupid!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And it needs to be somebody from out of town.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05It's me, isn't it?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07No, not you, Glen!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Jim Cline.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11It's Tim Vine!
0:10:12 > 0:10:13All right, I'll do it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15As long as I can get this golden arrow fixed, as well,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17so that Ore Oduba cuts the ribbon
0:10:17 > 0:10:19at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques - plot recap.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Splendid. Maid Marian's coming to the local fair tomorrow.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You can put in a good word for Robin then
0:10:26 > 0:10:27and you can meet the village people.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31That one's too easy.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35MEDIEVAL MUSIC
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You see, the thing is, Maid Marian, he really, REALLY likes you.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Well, I think I met him somewhere, but it's probably at something.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Sometime, maybe.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Right, can you be a bit more specific?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Possibly.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57No, Tim...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01..that's VAGUE Marian.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Ah, sorry.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Come on, we don't want to miss the main event.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oh, this is one of my favourite games! Reverse hoopla!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Make way for Maid Marian!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12HARP GLISSANDO
0:11:17 > 0:11:19HARP GLISSANDO
0:11:23 > 0:11:26You seem very accomplished at reverse hoopla.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28You should see my back-to-front table tennis,
0:11:28 > 0:11:29or pong-ping, as I call it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Who are you, skilful stranger?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm Tim Vine - comedian, singer, actor.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Comedian?- You're supposed to start at the other end.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's the Sheriff of Nottingham!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41THUNDERCLAP
0:11:41 > 0:11:43SCREAMING
0:11:43 > 0:11:46A crack of thunder - the loudest sound known to man!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49TAXES! TAXES!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Make that the second loudest.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Give me all your taxes!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54You do know we've got microphones, don't you?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58And if you hold back any money,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I will have you all killed!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Slowly, one by one!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And I will dance on your graves!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08This guy's the baddie.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10HE SOBS
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Why are you so upset, random villager?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14- ALL:- I can't cope any more.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18My wife will go mad if I go home with no money.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Just to explain, this chap is called Al,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21but it was typed in the script with two Ls.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23So it says "All".
0:12:23 > 0:12:26That should have been his line!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28We paid our taxes yesterday!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30That was just a rehearsal!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32There was a rehearsal?!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35My henchman will collect your money.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I haven't got any money!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38And I've been run over by a horse!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39He's so downtrodden.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And my cow has recently developed an udder infection.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46All right, don't milk it, Glen.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Intervene, Vine!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Excuse me, aren't you being a bit unfair to these pheasants?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Don't you mean peasants?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57No, you're standing on two pheasants.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00I don't know who you are!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Not another one!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I will play you like a medieval stringed instrument!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Are you calling me a lyre?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14These people want to live their lives in peace!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Isn't that right, everyone?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yes, it is! Hooray, et cetera!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20No, two Ls - that was "All", not "Al"!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Their money is mine!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25He's robbing us!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You killed my entire family!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You're an anvil mechanic!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32He means "evil maniac". Have a word with the typist!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33I'll have this, as well.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You can't take that! That's Ore Oduba's golden arrow!
0:13:36 > 0:13:37We're leaving!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39And if I see you again in this town...
0:13:40 > 0:13:41..I will kill you!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Are you threatening me?!- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Just checking.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Taxes!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Taxes!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Well, I'm glad he...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Taxes!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I'm glad he's gone. He's stolen Ore Oduba's golden arrow
0:13:59 > 0:14:02and I'm not sticking around to get killed by that maniac, so I'm off!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Are you leaving, Master Vine?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Master Vine?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08MASTERMIND THEME TUNE
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Please don't leave, Sir Tim. Meet me tomorrow at the Castle Tavern.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14We can spend some time alone together.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Well, make up your mind - alone or together?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Together.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20We could...share an exotic dried fruit.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23You make it sound like a date!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28SHE CACKLES MANIACALLY
0:14:28 > 0:14:29I'll see YOU tomorrow.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Viewers, I may be on a mission for Robin Hood,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38but my charm and good looks are hindering the plan!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49See Al's playing the loot?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Yes, I decided to meet Maid Marian.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53What a lovely place.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, another fake fire.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Argh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Let's see what beers they do.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Ah - Window Rattler, Gentle Breezes, Curtain Wafter...
0:15:07 > 0:15:08They're all draughts.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Barmaid!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Oh, hello, Vague Marian.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Would you recommend any of these beers?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Well, I recommend any of them. Yeah.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Thanks.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Page Boy, wait for me outside.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31How's that for a page-turner?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I'm sorry I'm late.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37My father's pigs are poorly, they've lost their voices.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39They sound disgruntled.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44So, Sir Tim...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You must be the most handsome man in all the kingdom.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Honestly, who wrote this?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Make me your wife, Sir Tim.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'd love to, but I'm...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02..not the Marian kind.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Somehow I must steer her off me and back to Robin.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09So how are things going with you and Robin Hood?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Oh, he doesn't interest me!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13He's completely lost his archery skills.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I bet you're good with a bow and arrow.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Well, they don't call me Bow Vine for nothing.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- LAUGHING:- What?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20I've got four stomachs.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Hang on a minute,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24are you saying that archery skills are very important to you?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Hand-eye coordination is the only thing
0:16:26 > 0:16:27that can attract me to a man.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Is it? I think we're onto something.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Marian, will you come to the archery contest tomorrow?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You try and stop me!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, that would defeat the purpose of asking you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40THUNDER CRASHES
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What in all blazes is going on here?!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47We were playing musical chairs. It was a draw.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Hello, Uncle.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Uncle? That is "uncalled" for!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Anger! Vengeance!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Gluttony! Lust! There's three more!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Silence!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I don't think that's one.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02A lot of things have happened since you came to town, stranger.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Stranger things have happened.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's time I taught you a lesson.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Ah, lesson to him!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10There's only one way out of this.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- A fight!- A fight!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13No, a door! Goodbye!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Come back!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I haven't gone yet!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh...
0:17:29 > 0:17:30PLOP!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34As I throw pebbles in a stream, it's my heart that she's carrying.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39I close my eyes, behold her face, her name is...
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Gordon Bennett!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44You're hard to find, Robin. I've spoken to Maid Marian.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48The man she loves must be brilliant at archery.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh...!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51PLOP!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Then there's no hope!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I have archery problems.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Where do you keep your arrows? - In a quiver!
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Where'd you keep your arrows?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You don't understand!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I've developed a bow allergy.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10PLOP!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Every time I use my bow and arrow, I sneeze.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16HE SNIFFS
0:18:18 > 0:18:19SILENCE
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Who's in charge of plops?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Listen, Robin. I have a plan that will get you winning again.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Did somebody say Singing In The Rain?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:31 > 0:18:33No! Concentrate!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I've told Maid Marian to be at the archery contest tomorrow.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Make sure you're there, too. Leave the rest to me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40The plot thins.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44SPLASHING
0:18:44 > 0:18:45It's too late now, isn't it?
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Welcome, villagers, one and all to the glorious archery contest.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02That's it, whip 'em up!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Don't worry, Robin, no-one has entered the contest
0:19:05 > 0:19:06except you - you can't lose.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I am here!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I entered your name as well, Sir Tim.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20Whosoever shall win the tournament shall also win my heart.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25What?! Don't worry, Robin, I have no intention of winning.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26You'll have three arrows each
0:19:26 > 0:19:30and the winner will receive this golden arrow!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34A golden arrow, identical to Ore Oduba's
0:19:34 > 0:19:36except that one is in pristine condition.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Maybe I SHOULD win the contest.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40But what about me and Marian?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Well, I... Yeah, but I...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, I can't do it to him.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45It's OK, I'll miss deliberately.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Please, take your positions,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51as I hand you over to Master Tony of the Green!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Thank you, Little John.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Let's...shoot...arrows!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03THEY PLAY BULL'S-EYE THEME
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Come on, Robin!
0:20:07 > 0:20:08ALL: Come on, Robin!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Come on...one of you!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16First arrow - Tim of Vine!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18I must aim away from the target.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22WHINNEYING
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Attend to that horse!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Robin Hood. First arrow!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Don't sneeze!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Ah-choo!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35SCREAMING
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Attend to the man who was attending to the horse!
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Tim Vine, second arrow!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- CROWD GASPS WOMAN:- Ow!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Attend to the woman who was attending to the man
0:20:49 > 0:20:50who was attending to the horse!
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Robin Hood...second arrow!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Ah-choo!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Attend to...
0:21:00 > 0:21:01..my foot!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I need medical attention.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Hello, are you the surgeon?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12No, I'm a chef.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Ah, the Chef of Nottingham.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Why are you peppering those arrows?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Hang on a minute, are you sure you're the Chef of Nottingham?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24No. I'm the...Sheriff of Nottingham!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27So you are, and even I have to admit that was an ingenious disguise.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Those are Robin's arrows you're peppering,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- which explains why he's been sneezing - plot resolution!- Yes.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34So long as Robin continues to be incompetent at archery,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Marian will stay uninterested in him
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and I will remain in charge of this town!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Not if I have anything to do with it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Just a bit too loud.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48If you don't get out of this town right now,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I will batter you with this pepper mill!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That's a salt!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- I'm an expert at this type of combat, you know!- What do you mean?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58I'm a seasoned professional.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Ah-choo!- Ah-choo!- Ah-choo!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08MUSIC: O Sole Mio
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Ah-choo!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Ah-choo!- Ah-choo!- Ah-choo!
0:22:16 > 0:22:21What are you doing? The archery contest is about to restart!
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- You're right, Glen - that's enough milling about, take that!- Argh!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28You knocked him spark out!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Yes, and now to wipe the pepper off Robin's arrows.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33My condiments to the Sheriff.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Hang on, you've still got an arrow in your foot.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Shall I put a bandage on it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It doesn't matter now, but I meant bandage my foot -
0:22:44 > 0:22:46not the arrow.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Robin, when it's your shot, use this arrow.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Tim Vine, final arrow!
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Come on, Vine...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Tim, you require hitting the target!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15That's never going to happen. I'll aim at the ground.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17CLANGING
0:23:22 > 0:23:24The bull's-eye!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30CROWD SINGS: Chase The Sun
0:23:30 > 0:23:32# Oi-oi-oi! #
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That was incredible.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Are you talking to me or the editor?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Robin Hood, final arrow.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46That's funny - my nose isn't tickling.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55The winner of the golden arrow is Robin Hood.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Robin Hood is the greatest archer of all time!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Not so fast!
0:24:03 > 0:24:08SLOWLY: Robin Hood is the greatest archer of all time!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- It's the Sheriff of Nottingham. - Not him again!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's the Sheriff of Not-him-again.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Tim? I'll deal with this...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Robin.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Yes, Maid Marian?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Hang on, she's going to make a speech.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Romantic music, please!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS - I love you so...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34No, that's it, cut the music!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Robin and Marian are back together!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39CHEERING
0:24:39 > 0:24:43There is one man responsible for this joyful moment.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Tim, I would like you to have this golden arrow
0:24:46 > 0:24:48as a token of my gratitude.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51When you give it to me, in a way, you give it to yourself.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54That'll make sense in the final scene.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55What a happy outcome!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59And now to celebrate, Tim will sing a song to the entire village!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I beg your pardon?
0:25:03 > 0:25:09# Sometimes life has a plan of its own
0:25:09 > 0:25:14# Sometimes that plan involves a golden arrow
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# But not very often!
0:25:17 > 0:25:22# Golden arrow! Golden arrow!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25# Everybody's got one
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# Where's yours? #
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Tim, you're the only one that's got one!- Shush.
0:25:31 > 0:25:37# Sometimes archery is the skill that you crave
0:25:37 > 0:25:43# Sometimes that archery involves a golden arrow
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# But not very often... # Take it Glen!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48RECORDER PLAYS
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# La-la-la and that kind of thing... #
0:25:59 > 0:26:04# Golden arrow! Golden arrow!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Everybody's got one
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Where's yours?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- # Golden arrow!... # - Cheering over the chorus!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Cheering over the chorus! - # Golden arrow
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# Everybody's got one
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# Where's yours?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# Golden arrow! Everybody's got one... #
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I'm back in the here and now!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Well, that was an arrow escape!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46This is one of the happiest paintings
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I've ever seen in my life.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49It may not look happy to you,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53but this was the scene half a second later...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54That's nice, isn't it?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57BELL TINKLES
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Welcome back, Ore! Here you are, one brand-new golden arrow.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Wow, that is incredible, Tim. How on earth did you do that?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08If you only knew.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What an adventure I've had.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15If only you could have been there...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17You do know he was Robin Hood, don't you?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Now, are you ready for the grand opening?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I've got some lovely silk ribbon for you to cut.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Look at that! Ribbon Hood!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, dear. I'm allergic to silk ribbon.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It brings me up in these sneezing fits.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36In fact I can feel one coming on right now.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- I'd better go.- You can't go!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I can go. Did somebody say tango?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Goodbye, Ore Oduba!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Typical - the search for a celebrity to open Tim's Antiques goes on.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Well, what have we learnt today?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00We've learnt that you can't hit what you don't aim for
0:28:00 > 0:28:01and we've learnt that the word "sheriff"
0:28:01 > 0:28:03sounds a little bit like "chef",
0:28:03 > 0:28:05but not quite enough to be hilarious.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Whatever you do in life, try to keep the peace,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13and if you've got a broken arrow, keep both pieces.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16See you again - same time, different time. Bye!
0:28:16 > 0:28:17# It's over in a minute
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# When you're travelling through time
0:28:20 > 0:28:21# It's over in a minute
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Hey, my name is Tim Vine
0:28:23 > 0:28:24# It's over in a minute
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# When you're travelling through time
0:28:27 > 0:28:28# It's over in a minute
0:28:28 > 0:28:30# My favourite fruit juice is lime
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# It's over in a minute
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# My favourite number is nine
0:28:34 > 0:28:35# It's over in a minute
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# But there is a small chance
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# That it might feel a bit longer. #