0:00:02 > 0:00:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Here's what we've got in store for you tonight.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10LENNY HENRY: This year's Red Nose Day really was one to remember
0:00:10 > 0:00:12and it's all thanks to you sh-mazing British public,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14who raised an incredible...
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I got a little bit more than I was expecting!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28The Democrats of Dibley reporting for duty, sir.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Right, concentrate, Doctor! Hello, Lenny!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44We possibly could break all previous records tonight.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Whoever made this $100,000 jacket didn't put pockets in it!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# Nobody does it better... #
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Hi.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The pleasure is all mine. I wouldn't say that.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Dermie-wermy...
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Hi, David.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08United Kingdom, give yourselves a big round of applause now.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Good to see you again.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Brent's found a guitar. Brent's found a guitar.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Thank you for all you have done.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:23 > 0:01:26So, whatever it was you did to raise money - getting dolled up
0:01:26 > 0:01:29in fancy dress, taking on a challenge, simply
0:01:29 > 0:01:33picking up the phone, or baking an exact replica of Lady Gaga, we thank you.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Tonight, along with the dangerously handsome Steve Jones and my
0:01:36 > 0:01:39other Red Nose Day comrades, we want to treat YOU to some fantastic comedy
0:01:39 > 0:01:44from David Brent, Peter Kay, Miranda Hart and David Walliams. But we'll
0:01:44 > 0:01:48also be thanking some of our heroic fundraisers right here. And even
0:01:48 > 0:01:51more importantly, we'll be letting you know how the money that you gave
0:01:51 > 0:01:55is helping to change people's lives across Africa and here in the UK.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57But let's start at the beginning, shall we?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59INDISTINCT RAP
0:01:59 > 0:02:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Dim the lights, Rasta!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Hang on, hang on...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18CHEERING
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Fantastic.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Hello, everyone. Well, that's one way to open a show. What a suit.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I can still see it if I close my eyes tightly.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30More from the master later, when he'll be sharing lots of good news
0:02:30 > 0:02:33about how your donations have changed lives.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Now, I remember this year's Red Nose Day for many things,
0:02:37 > 0:02:42not least for the ?1,203,865 raised
0:02:42 > 0:02:46by Let's Dance and, of course, Simon Cowell's extraordinary wedding -
0:02:46 > 0:02:48great practice for the real thing.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51MUSIC: "Wedding March" by Mendelssohn
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Now, there's no need to be nervous.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04All rise, please, for the bride.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Wagner
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Weddings always make me cry!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It hasn't even started yet, dear!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30HE SOBS
0:03:30 > 0:03:34I never thought I'd see the day. So pleased he's finally found a woman.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Well...he has done a lot of... searching.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Please be seated.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58We begin today's marriage service with a reading
0:03:58 > 0:04:00from Mr Robert Williams.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Today's reading comes from Take That's Greatest Hits,
0:04:07 > 0:04:13track 17, verse three. So... you can do what you like...
0:04:14 > 0:04:21Do what you like. No need to ask me. Do what you want.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Do what you like. Do...what you like.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30No need to tell me. Do whateth you want.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Here endeth the lesson.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Moving words indeed. Thank you.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41And now...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46If anyone here knows of any lawful impediment why these two
0:04:46 > 0:04:48should not be married...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53..let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57DOG BARKS
0:04:57 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:01HE CHUCKLES
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Ahem.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Wonderful! Right, well, let's begin the vows.
0:05:05 > 0:05:14Repeat after me - I, Simon Tyrone Cowell... I, Simon Tyrone Cowell...
0:05:14 > 0:05:18..global television star and legendary music mogul who changed
0:05:18 > 0:05:19the face of popular culture...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21DOOR BANGS
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Stop the wedding!
0:05:22 > 0:05:23ALL GASP
0:05:23 > 0:05:26David Walliams!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What is the meaning of this?
0:05:28 > 0:05:33My Simon! I love you! It should be me and you getting married today!
0:05:33 > 0:05:38I love everything about you! I love that your hair looks like a badger.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I love that your trousers come up to your armpits.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I love that you wear pullovers too tight so they show off your nipples.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Let's run away somewhere. Somewhere where nobody knows us.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Impossible for me, easy for you. Just the two of us! And Sinita.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00David, it's a no from me.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Well...where were we? Oh, yes... Repeat after me...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Stop the wedding!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Ollie Murs! What?!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Simon, I love you. Stop the wedding!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Dermot O'Leary! For crying out loud!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Simon, I love you. Stop the wedding!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Rachel Adedeji!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, no, wait, sorry. Louis Walsh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Simon, don't do this. I love you! Back off, sister, he's mine.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42He was my Simon years before he was your Simon, so you back off!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh just poked me!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Simon, I love you and I want to sit on your panel.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I love you, Simon!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Hands off, Dixon, he's mine. I love you, Simon! Choose me!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I love Simon! I love you, Simon.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58TOGETHER: We love you, Simon! I love Piers Morgan.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I love you, Simon! I love you, Simon!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05ALL: I love you, Simon!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13ENOUGH!
0:07:13 > 0:07:14SILENCE
0:07:19 > 0:07:24It's four nos, I'm afraid. Right. Let's just do this, shall be?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Repeat after me...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29WOMAN YELLS
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Sharon Osbourne?!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32DRAMATIC CHORDS
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Oh, no.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39I want to marry you. I thought you didn't like me. I don't.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I want to marry you so I can ruin the rest of your life.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46A million per cent never.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48SILENCE!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I now pronounce you man and wife.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You may kiss the bride.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00At last.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04You're beautiful.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I know.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Earlier this year for Red Nose Day I visited Homa Bay in Western Kenya.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I met people there who go without food for days,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29and children who face starvation and death from sickness every day.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30It was heartbreaking.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35I asked you to donate money so that Comic Relief could help.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You didn't have to but because you did,
0:08:37 > 0:08:42wonderful things are happening and a once forgotten community now has a future.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Because of the money you gave on Red Nose Day, since March,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49we've been able to give the people there enormous help and we're
0:08:49 > 0:08:55aiming to support over 6,000 people living with or affected by HIV.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Your donations will be spent improving home-based care
0:08:58 > 0:09:00for people with HIV.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04They will help more people get proper referral to hospitals where
0:09:04 > 0:09:07they can get better treatment, keeping families intact.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12The money will also go towards training people to help themselves.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Your response on Red Nose Day will actually save lives. So next time
0:09:17 > 0:09:20you're standing near someone who says the money doesn't get
0:09:20 > 0:09:24through, there's a lot of corruption out there, they've got to learn to
0:09:24 > 0:09:29look after themselves, maybe don't invite them for dinner any more.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Just an idea. Thank you.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Comic Relief currently funds 16 projects,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38aiming to improve the lives of thousands of people living with HIV.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44This year, you came up with a dazzling array of ways to raise money
0:09:44 > 0:09:47but we thought we'd give YOU the chance to tell us how you
0:09:47 > 0:09:50brought home the egg, bacon, sausage, tomato and beans for Red Nose Day,
0:09:50 > 0:09:51so we can thank you personally.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Hello, I'm Miss Stephanie and I'm from Baby Ballet, and these are some of my stars.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Give a big wave, girls! Oh, well done.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03This year, we danced in the week leading up to Red Nose Day.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07They were amazing because we raised over ?600 and, nationwide,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10our little stars raised over ?4,000 for Comic Relief.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Hi. I'm Paul Jones, music teacher at Rosemary Works Primary School in London.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18For Red Nose Day we all went busking at Spitalfields Market
0:10:18 > 0:10:20as well as selling artwork the children had made at school.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23We raised over ?850. CHILDREN: Yay!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Whoo-hoo! Mr Henry! Yes, it is me!
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Hello, how are you? Hello, small people. Hello. How are you? Fantastic.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Thousands of schools and nurseries joined in the fun for Red Nose Day
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and between them raised more than ?8.9m.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43So whatever it was you did, school children of the UK, we thank you!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Say hooray. ALL: Hooray!
0:10:59 > 0:11:05Sorry I'm late. Oh, Vicar, good to have you back. Long holiday.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yes, it seems like years since our last meeting, doesn't it?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Agh!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I've got the most wonderful news.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Oh, might it involve Fiona Bruce naked?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18No.
0:11:18 > 0:11:24So not THE most wonderful news? Holly Willoughby naked? Who naked?
0:11:24 > 0:11:30No. My news is that we're going up to London to vote on the women bishops.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31ALL CHEER
0:11:31 > 0:11:37# All the single ladies All the single ladies
0:11:37 > 0:11:40# If you liked it then you should've put a hat on it
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# If you liked it you should've put a...on it
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
0:11:45 > 0:11:48# Oh oh oh, oh oh oh. #
0:11:48 > 0:11:51The Democrats of Dibley reporting for duty, sir.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Ah, yes, you must be Geraldine Granger. Actually, it's Kennedy now.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I got married since that register was made.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Pity. Although, you know... divorce is on the rise.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Nothing lasts for ever, does it? Except EastEnders, of course.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Good for you. I like a funny vicar. Do you?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Well, you're looking at the home of funny here.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I can do all sorts of things,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22like...that...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Be that as it may, today is about voting, not flirting.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Pity. Still, we are massively excited, aren't we?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Great day for the Church.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Great day indeed! Have you chosen one of your number to cast your vote?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40We have.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Stark raving insane as it may seem,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44because he has fewer brain cells than
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I have pictures of Ed Miliband in my wallet, we have chosen...
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Jim Trott.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Hello, Mr Trott. No, no, no, no, no.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58He is the oldest member of our community,
0:12:58 > 0:13:03and we wanted to show that there is no-one so ancient and senile and
0:13:03 > 0:13:08actually braindead that they can't see the sense on women bishops.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, Mr Trott, good luck.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Strange as it may seem,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17the fate of the Church of England is in your hands.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23So, you are Mr Jim Trott,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26representing the village of Dibley?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I am.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Mr Trott, you may either give one vote
0:13:32 > 0:13:36if your village council are all agreed... Right.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40..or you may represent the individual votes of the members.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Right. Very well.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47Mr James Trott, representative of the village of Dibley,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51do you support the introduction of women bishops
0:13:51 > 0:13:53into the Church of England?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Very well, thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Goodness!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11It's getting close.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17The without fail brilliant Vicar of Dibley there.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Coming up, Liverpool's sweetheart, Mr John Bishop, will be
0:14:20 > 0:14:23letting us know how your money has been working hard
0:14:23 > 0:14:27right here in the UK, and we'll also give you another chance to see
0:14:27 > 0:14:32the outrageous Jessie J shave her head because...why not?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I'd have done the same but look at this pelt. I mean, come on.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The secret, really, is to treat your hair like a classic car -
0:14:39 > 0:14:44wash it regularly, keep it shiny, store it properly... I always
0:14:44 > 0:14:45keep mine just here...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and use a 5mm socket wrench to bleed the braking system
0:14:48 > 0:14:51for air to thoroughly clean the hydraulic lines.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54This year, Comic Relief, like every year,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58has spent 40% of the money that you've donated here in the UK.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00In fact, wherever you are in the UK,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02you're virtually within 30 miles of a Comic Relief project.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05And that's working with some of the most vulnerable
0:15:05 > 0:15:07people in our society - people who have been
0:15:07 > 0:15:11suffering from domestic violence at home, sex trafficking,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15some of the people who have been suffering from mental health issues -
0:15:15 > 0:15:19we've been trying to get them back into work and help them
0:15:19 > 0:15:20move their lives forward.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I've seen some of these projects, and I have to be honest with you,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27the need out there is greater than I possibly imagined.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30We're not going to ask you for any more money, you've already done that.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Thank you for the efforts you've made to make a difference to
0:15:33 > 0:15:34someone else's life.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Right now, Comic Relief funds over
0:15:36 > 0:15:382,000 projects aiming to help
0:15:38 > 0:15:39millions of people in the UK.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45After the recent horse-meat scandal,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47people no longer trust supermarket ready meals.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I know I don't.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And the supermarkets don't know what's in their food
0:15:51 > 0:15:55and they are happy for us to know that they don't know.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57We know that they don't know
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and they know that we know that they don't know.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I know.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03So, the supermarkets - and this now is very much
0:16:03 > 0:16:08the beginning of the sketch - have decided to be more honest with their
0:16:08 > 0:16:12packaging, and tonight, in a sketch, we can exclusively reveal
0:16:12 > 0:16:17some packaging prototypes that'll be hitting the shelves soon.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So, honest packaging, that's the basis of the sketch.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Here's the first one.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Roll of the diced beef.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29HE LAUGHS
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I can't believe it's bolognese.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Chance it chilli.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Loosely speaking lasagne.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Touch wood moussaka.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Sure hope it's shepherd's pie.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Fish fingers crossed. LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:50They're getting better. Could be cannelloni.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Can't believe... already done that one.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You're putting them back. I'm leaving them up here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56We got no system, man.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I want to do the one they laughed at again. Which one was that?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Sure hope it's shepherd's pie.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02CHEERING
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Potentially pork.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Obviously, these are the higher quality things you can
0:17:08 > 0:17:10buy in the supermarkets.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13There will of course be an economy value version.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14And here it is.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Very much the punch-line of the sketch...
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Definitely donkey.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Come on.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28What's happened in the last ten years?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30What HASN'T happened in the last ten years?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32That's would be the easier question to answer.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34HE CHUCKLES
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'll answer what has happened. Um...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, yeah, what has happened?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Eh...
0:17:42 > 0:17:46It's been amazing, you know. Probably the best ten years of my life,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50filled with just so many interesting things.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Mainly rapping.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54You know, I'm not going got kill that cash cow, cos it helps me
0:17:54 > 0:17:58finance my other passions, you know - my music, my recording,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59my short stories.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Podcasting. You know.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Oh, yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:10But, uh, I manage an act as well now, like a local Simon Cowell.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Better really, cos...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16cos I'm an artist myself I can literally pass on musical wisdom,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19you know, whilst making money...from them.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21So, uh...talk of the devil.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25There he is.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28How you doing, man? Cool.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Black. Told you.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34This is Dom.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Dom Johnson, lyricist.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Rapper.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42And, eh, now you see...what I've been talking about.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46So...yeah. Anyway, do you want a drink?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Yeah, cool. What do you want?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Rum and Coke?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Red Stripe?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Nah, just a soft drink...
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Lilt?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Just orange juice...fine.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00AMERICAN ACCENT: One OJ, coming up, baby!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It looks like a weird partnership, I can see that,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10but, you know, I never thought it would need outside help.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Me, I was born into the music industry, do you know what I mean?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16My dad worked for Our Price, but I never knew him,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18do you know what I'm saying?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22So it's been a struggle for a while, if I'm honest.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26And when he come along, when he actually offered to support
0:19:26 > 0:19:31my studio time financially, that's when we properly clicked - boom.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What's that on?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I've got that on 24. And the bass is on?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Hi, David Brent.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Hey, David Brent. Nice to meet you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Dom. Nice to meet you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Do you want to pop yourself down and...?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48At the Starship Enterprise?!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Innit? Like the Starship Enterprise.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Wow! Beam me up. Can you not do that?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Capacity warp 12!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55HE CHUCKLES
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Don't touch those, please.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Let's get you in. Do you need water?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Warning - Brent's found a guitar.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Brent's found a guitar.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oh, man.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12This is right up my alley.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Good tone. What is it, Fender?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18No, it's an Ibanez. It says on the thing there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I don't look at what things say, I know what they feel like, though.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23We should probably...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Oh, my God!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Hold on.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29What am I thinking with this going on?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I've got a political reggae song called Equality Street.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33OK. We're not...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35That'd be amazing. Think about it - me and you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You could do a rap.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Oh, my God, it's fantastic. It's...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# Dayo, dayo Dayo, me say dayo
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, yo... #
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Biddly-bong? Definitely.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Listen, we're focusing on my song. We can do this.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Do a political reggae song, cos it's perfect. I'm not doing that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Cos it's mega-racial, but anti-racist.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07This could be like Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Better, cos you can see what you're doing!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And if this turns out as good as I think it will,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I'll even pay for a video. Video?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18My expert opinion is that Dom's track will not be improved by
0:21:18 > 0:21:22having a middle-aged man in a cheap polyester suit singing on top of it.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28It's like Tinie Tempah recording a track with Piers Morgan.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33They're still bickering. I don't know what they're bickering about.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So can all you lot rap, then? Could Trevor McDonald rap if he had to?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Oh, my God. OK, so we might be here a while.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45This year, for the first time ever, we selected a special
0:21:45 > 0:21:49team of celebrity fun-raisers, but there's one...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Fun-raiser.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53..whose work is not quite done.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Jessie J!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59This programme started when I was born, and every year, when I could,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I sat and watched it and always wanted to be a part of it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04And I wanted to do something that was going to shock people,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06something that I felt was going to make people donate.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08That's what this is about.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Jessie, I'm here to reassure you that you're in safe hands.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13OK.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Are you ready, Jessie?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Ooh!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21This is so going on eBay.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24We're halfway through this and I have to say, Jessie, stop now!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27We could just comb it over, or something.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Put some double-sided tape on it!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32CHEERING
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It feels liberating, but this isn't really about this.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Over ?500,000 already is amazing.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44OK, time for a few more thank yous. I'm going to get into position.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Bring it on.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Hi, my name is Luke Nolan and I grew my rat tail for five years and for
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Red Nose Day this year, I decided to cut it off, like Jessie J.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I raised over ?500.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Luke...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Luke, I am not your father.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Here, look at you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Congratulations, my friend.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07There you go. Would you like some cake?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I'm Ben. And I'm Claire.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12And in a moment of madness, we decided to let Miranda Hart
0:23:12 > 0:23:15organise our wedding day for Comic Relief.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16She did an amazing job,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and we couldn't have been happier on the day.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Over the whole week she raised ?1,140,615.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Woo-hoo.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28We love Miranda.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# Congratulations. #
0:23:30 > 0:23:33A huge thanks there to Ben and Claire.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35As match-making goes, I think we nailed it!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38But these big days always go by in a blur, don't they?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42In fact, this show has really helped me piece back together that night in March...
0:23:42 > 0:23:46I keep getting flashbacks where I'm in a gold suit with flashing lights...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Anyway, let's remind ourselves of the final act
0:23:48 > 0:23:49in Miranda's Mad March,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53which brought us another unforgettable Comic Relief snog.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55THEY CHUCKLE
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Miranda, this is what you have to do today.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02You will be organising a real wedding for a real couple,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06taking place today in Marylebone at 5.45pm.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08CHEERING
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Three hours. Go, go, go, go.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Confetti, rings, bridesmaids' dresses.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Oh...!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26We've chosen the dress and I'm the closest to crying -
0:24:26 > 0:24:27that's always the sign.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32I'm off to get a choir and learn how to be part of one.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34CHORAL SINGING
0:24:36 > 0:24:38This is somebody's actual wedding.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I've been watching you!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42We've got to get something old, something new,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45something borrowed and something... I can't even say it!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Where do we put that?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Next, next. Come on, Sal.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Say it! Blue. Blue? What's blue?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55What's wrong with blue? Blue!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Rings. Rings.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00We need to check the rings, and I'm sure there'll be other things.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01That rhymes.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Of course, we're here today to witness
0:25:05 > 0:25:08the marriage of Claire Gilchrist and Ben Springett.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Ben, will you take Claire to be your wife?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I will.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Claire, will you take Ben to be your husband?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15I will.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Now, it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are
0:25:19 > 0:25:21husband and wife.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:30So, you were bridesmaids?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Yes, we were. At the serious wedding.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:25:38 > 0:25:40CHEERING
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Can I just ask, you do know her, don't you?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You have met before?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55You weren't at a bus stop and Miranda said, "I need a couple of people"?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58So, Miranda, are you ready for this?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02You have raised an extraordinary amount of money.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04?1,140,615!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07CHEERING
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Thanks so much, thank you!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Thank you to all of you. Thanks to Miranda, Dawn and Jennifer.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19This is a great moment also to thank all BBC radio stations
0:26:19 > 0:26:22for all their amazing contributions.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Kiss the bride!
0:26:26 > 0:26:27CHEERING
0:26:34 > 0:26:36A huge thank you to all of you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The miraculous and beautifully daft Miranda Hart there -
0:26:40 > 0:26:42she can do no wrong.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Hats off to Lenny too for taking care of some stellar thank yous.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47More later.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49So as our darling boys from One Direction once said,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53it's all the little things which add up and it couldn't be more true,
0:26:53 > 0:26:54cos this year
0:26:54 > 0:26:58you bought over six million red noses as well as taking part
0:26:58 > 0:27:03in thousands of funny, challenging and daring fundraising activities.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07We even saw the first Red Nose space race as it rocketed up to
0:27:07 > 0:27:09over 100,000 feet!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Impressive.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Your money is really making a difference,
0:27:13 > 0:27:14week by week and day by day,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17right across the UK and Africa.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20It's reversing the fortunes of so many people.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Thank you
0:27:24 > 0:27:27We've come here today to have a look at what our money can do to help.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32If the child had been vaccinated in time,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36the child wouldn't have needed to be here in the first place.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41This is why it's ridiculous, cos it only costs ?5.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43This could prevent...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46..this from happening, you know?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Just ?5, that's all you have to pay.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Sully is 15, Idris is 12 and this is their job.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03They find wires, they burn the wires, they get copper out of that.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04They sell the copper.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09No-one deserves this. This is absolutely horrendous.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10There is literally...
0:28:10 > 0:28:11You name it, it is in here.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14From human faeces, to syringes...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16and, you know, it's just swamp.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20This boy's been rushed in with a fever.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Do we know what's wrong with him?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25We think he has malaria with severe anaemia.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Being honest with me, how ill is he?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29He's very ill.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Sometimes, if they come in too late, even when you give them blood,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34you are not able to save them.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38He's too weak to even hold his own head up.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39It's horrible to watch.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# Let me take you down Equality Street
0:29:06 > 0:29:08# You never know the people you meet
0:29:08 > 0:29:11# At the end of the street is a golden gate
0:29:11 > 0:29:15# It let in love It don't let in hate, no
0:29:27 > 0:29:30# Walk with me down Equality Street
0:29:30 > 0:29:33# Do unto others and life is sweet
0:29:33 > 0:29:36# Books have no covers Just look right in
0:29:36 > 0:29:39# You're judged by your words not the colour of your skin
0:29:39 > 0:29:43# Oh, dayo, dayo, dayo Me say dayo
0:29:43 > 0:29:46# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, yo
0:29:51 > 0:29:52# Yo, I'm like John Lennon
0:29:52 > 0:29:54# Except I do imagine there's a heaven
0:29:54 > 0:29:56# Somewhere everyone is welcome
0:29:56 > 0:29:58# All my multicultural brethren
0:29:58 > 0:29:59# Where hate is outdated
0:29:59 > 0:30:01# Today, love's the word
0:30:01 > 0:30:04# Even for people from Luxembourg
0:30:04 > 0:30:07# Or maybe like some other countries that you might ignore
0:30:07 > 0:30:10# Tonga, never thought of in my life before
0:30:10 > 0:30:13# But if I met a guy from Tonga then we stop and we speak
0:30:13 > 0:30:15# In fluent Tongalese on Equality Street
0:30:15 > 0:30:20# Yep, acceptance, see that Kenyan guy with mental eyes
0:30:20 > 0:30:23# He might be totally normal You can't generalise
0:30:23 > 0:30:26# Black people aren't crazy Fat people aren't lazy
0:30:27 > 0:30:28# And dwarfs aren't babies
0:30:28 > 0:30:31# You can't just pick 'em up They got rights
0:30:31 > 0:30:34# And anyway don't assume you could They're not light
0:30:34 > 0:30:36# I learnt the hard way
0:30:36 > 0:30:39# Don't give a damn if you're Russian or you're Spanish
0:30:39 > 0:30:41# We're comrades, compadres
0:30:41 > 0:30:44# You could be a half gay woman with a dark face
0:30:44 > 0:30:47# One leg, no legs Long as you've got a heart
0:30:47 > 0:30:51# Hey, transgender, gay, straight Lesbians, whatever, whoever
0:30:51 > 0:30:54# Hey, mate, let's be friends We're just friends
0:30:54 > 0:30:57# I want you to be where you're properly free
0:30:57 > 0:30:59# Obviously, it's Equality Street Believe
0:30:59 > 0:31:01# You know the deal there
0:31:01 > 0:31:03# Everything is real fair
0:31:03 > 0:31:05# Take a ride on my equal opportunity wheelchair, yeah
0:31:05 > 0:31:09# Come with me down Equality Street
0:31:09 > 0:31:11# You never know the people you meet
0:31:11 > 0:31:15# At the end of the street is a golden gate
0:31:15 > 0:31:19# It lets in love It don't let in hate, no
0:31:19 > 0:31:21# Equality Street
0:31:22 > 0:31:24# Equality Street
0:31:25 > 0:31:27# Equality Street
0:31:27 > 0:31:31# Biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly-biddly Biddly-bong, sweet. #
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Biddly, biddly, biddly, bong, indeed.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Mr David Brent speaking for all of us there. At least, I think so.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Coming up, we'll be seeing the latest developments at the school
0:31:44 > 0:31:47in Zambia which inspired our Hell and High Water heroes
0:31:47 > 0:31:50through their epic adventure down the mighty Zambezi.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53But first, in contrast to the thousands of you who got up
0:31:53 > 0:31:56off your backsides and managed some truly great fundraising this year,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00here's a man who managed it by doing the exact opposite -
0:32:00 > 0:32:01it's Peter Kay...
0:32:01 > 0:32:03and it's inspiring stuff.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07VOICEOVER: Peter Kay is one of Bolton's funniest comedians
0:32:07 > 0:32:08and not an athlete.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11But he's about to embark on a challenge that will not only
0:32:11 > 0:32:14change his life, but dozens of lives for ever.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Well, I've seen what David Walliams has done swimming the Channel
0:32:17 > 0:32:18and the River Thames.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21What Eddie Izzard's done, and John Bishop. It's been amazing.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24And I thought, "What could I do? What do I do best?"
0:32:24 > 0:32:26And the answer is, sit on me...
0:32:28 > 0:32:31VOICEOVER: This is the story of his extraordinary journey.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37CHRIS EVANS: And so it begins.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39It's Monday morning and for Peter Kay,
0:32:39 > 0:32:43the next five days are going to be literally hell on earth.
0:32:43 > 0:32:48He's live in Belfast at the starting line of a monumental sit down
0:32:48 > 0:32:49challenge for Comic Relief.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Can you hear me, Peter?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Loud and clear, Christopher.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57Are you ready to travel from Belfast to London by couch?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Not by coach, by the way, by couch.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02As ready as I'll ever be.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05MUSIC: "Sit Down" by James
0:33:05 > 0:33:08VOICEOVER: Peter makes his way towards the Irish coast,
0:33:08 > 0:33:11where he's greeted by some surprise Olympic support.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17They have the formidable task of transporting Peter
0:33:17 > 0:33:19and his couch across the Irish Sea.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Heave. ALL: Ho!
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Heave - that's it! Keep going. Heave. ALL: Ho!
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Heave. ALL: Ho!
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Heave. That's it, come on.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37VOICEOVER: Preparation for Peter's sit down Comic Relief
0:33:37 > 0:33:39challenge hasn't been easy.
0:33:39 > 0:33:40WHISTLE
0:33:40 > 0:33:43For the last week, he's embarked on a punishing daily regime...
0:33:45 > 0:33:48..readying himself for the toughest journey of his life.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49That's it. That's the stuff.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53He's enlisted the help of ex-SAS fitness specialist
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Sergeant Mike Collins...
0:33:54 > 0:33:56What are you doing?!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58..an expert in endurance training.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01It'll be very tough indeed.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03I don't think I've worked with anybody so determined.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05I'm on a couch.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08I was always athletic at school, yeah - sack race,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11egg and spoon, so it was always on the cards, really.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12You can't fight destiny.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Come on, we have to get you fit.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Fitter.
0:34:17 > 0:34:23Just the main concerns - things like couch sores or pins and needles.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Or that silent killer that is trapped wind.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31In an effort to test the elements for the typical British weather,
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Mike increases the pressure on Peter's specialised booty camp.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Quicker! One.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39I said one!
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Move your fat arse!
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I feel this is going to be the challenge of a lifetime.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I'll either come back an hero or a failure, but there's no going back.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05VOICEOVER: Peter's arduous training has paid off, as he makes his
0:35:05 > 0:35:10way down through southern Scotland on his mammoth sit down challenge.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Not long now.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14People don't realise - it's tough.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15It gets to you.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Mentally, it's hard, psychologically.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21What I hope is, I don't get halfway through and give up.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23I want to keep going.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I'm a sitter, not a quitter.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28VOICEOVER: And support for Peter's sit down challenge
0:35:28 > 0:35:32grows by the hour, as he makes his way across Britain.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Can't believe what he's doing, it's astonishing.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36You just wouldn't think he had it in him.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Support's nice, isn't it?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Look at some of these I've had.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"You can straddle my sofa any time. Bernard."
0:35:44 > 0:35:48How he can sit like that for so long, it beggars belief.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51I thought the Olympians were impressive until I saw this.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54That's it, put some in there.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Oh, I'm shattered, love.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Watch yourself, you'll go under me wheels, flower.
0:36:00 > 0:36:01See ya!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04VOICEOVER: With a punishing schedule ahead of him,
0:36:04 > 0:36:10Peter is only allowed eight hours' sleep, before he's back.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Keep it straight, I'm trying to watch it.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14No, no, up.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Bend back a bit.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Keep your back straight, man.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Where's the remote control?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Where's me remote control gone?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28MUSIC: "Sit Down" by James
0:36:37 > 0:36:41# Oh, sit down, oh, sit down Oh, sit down
0:36:41 > 0:36:44# Sit down next to me
0:36:44 > 0:36:49# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:36:49 > 0:36:52# In sympathy
0:36:52 > 0:36:56# Oh, sit down, oh, sit down Oh, sit down
0:36:56 > 0:36:59# Sit down next to me
0:36:59 > 0:37:04# Sit down, down, down, down, down
0:37:04 > 0:37:12# In sympathy, down. #
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Let's be clear -
0:37:21 > 0:37:25nothing has drawn me to this project, I don't want to go.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28I'm a complete and utter novice.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Never been to Africa before so I don't really know what to expect.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35How can I plump up my eyelashes here in the jungle?
0:37:37 > 0:37:40MUSIC: "Sea Of Love" by Phil Phillips
0:37:46 > 0:37:49You have given those children the world.
0:37:50 > 0:37:56VOICEOVER: It's a dawn start for the team.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59They're going to meet some of the children from nearby
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Siandunda village.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04The group are about to get a stark insight into just how tough
0:38:04 > 0:38:06life can be for the children here.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09They're joining the kids on their daily walk to school.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15But this isn't the school run Phillips is used to
0:38:15 > 0:38:16with his own children.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21The only school here is a two-hour walk away.
0:38:21 > 0:38:28It's a long trek - 7K - first thing in the morning.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32But it's not just the distance that's so hard.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35This area regularly floods from torrential rains.
0:38:37 > 0:38:42When this path gets wet in the rainy season,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45you got mud this deep.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49So imagine a nine-year-old trying to walk through that pile of mud.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And worse than that, when the floods have been bad,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55several children have been swept to their deaths.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00Big problem today is animals - we got hippos, we got crocs.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02It's quite scary.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05If I ask you to get off the boat very, very fast,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07please do it very, very fast.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13Don't swim towards the bank with the trees, stay away from the trees.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Stay holding onto the raft.
0:39:20 > 0:39:26If your foot's stuck underneath a rock, that's very, very bad.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29This has got me absolutely terrified.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32It's got potential for anything to happen.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35What could possibly go wrong?
0:39:39 > 0:39:42We've lost Phillips and Dara.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44It's Fern, can you hear me? Over.
0:39:44 > 0:39:45Have you found the guys?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47They've gone.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50What a nightmare.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54It's all turned horrible.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Oh, my God.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03One of the great parts of the challenge is
0:40:03 > 0:40:07when we come together as a team, and I think now is... The next
0:40:07 > 0:40:12challenge really is to make sure we don't see each other again.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I mean, it didn't need that, did it?
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Look, we got it, we all swapped phone numbers and you gave us
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Miranda's telephone number. I mean, I spent ages texting her.
0:40:25 > 0:40:31I didn't mean to do that. I was, you know... Remember how hot it was?
0:40:31 > 0:40:37Oh, I... I was dizzy by that, I was dizzy. It wasn't meant, obviously.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40I'd swallowed a lot of water. Greg had taken his clothes off.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43We didn't want to see that again. No, that's fair enough.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I was just in a bad space at that point, that's all it was.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Where's Phillips, anyway?
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Phillips is genuinely away. He sends his love.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54He was never committed, I felt, the whole time, don't you think?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Well, we are here for a reason today.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59On Red Nose Day we found out they had raised enough money to build
0:40:59 > 0:41:03the school in Siandunda, so shall we see how that's going? Yes.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21So when we heard that there was a school coming,
0:41:21 > 0:41:23people were filled with joy.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Since then, we've started the construction works
0:41:30 > 0:41:33and everything seems to be on track.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Most of the people in the area or in the surrounding villages have
0:41:36 > 0:41:38never been to school.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Simple reason is because there was no school nearby.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54There are about three streams that they have to cross to go to the
0:41:54 > 0:41:58nearest school and they have to wake up at 5am
0:41:58 > 0:42:00to be in class by seven.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01And then, if they're at school
0:42:01 > 0:42:05and the rains come, they have to stay at school overnight without any food.
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Can you imagine that?
0:42:06 > 0:42:09But with this, they just have to walk for five minutes, maybe.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13Because they are building a school in our village,
0:42:13 > 0:42:17so we are able to go to school every day, every time.
0:42:19 > 0:42:23This is going to be our classroom where I am going to teach maths,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26English, science and geography.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29As you can see, this place was just a bush.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32But at the moment they've brought up something
0:42:32 > 0:42:36which is going to bring knowledge.
0:42:37 > 0:42:41We are expecting about 400 children to benefit from the school
0:42:41 > 0:42:43from Siandunda and surrounding villages.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45This is just at the beginning of the year.
0:42:45 > 0:42:49I'm sure after they finish here, we expect a lot more children.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56For me, I am very happy to be one of the teachers.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59You know, I will be one of the best teachers at the school.
0:42:59 > 0:43:05Thank you very much for the help given to the communities around.
0:43:05 > 0:43:11Thank you for building a school in our village. Thank you.
0:43:11 > 0:43:12Thank you.
0:43:12 > 0:43:13Thank you.
0:43:13 > 0:43:14Thank you.
0:43:14 > 0:43:15Thank you.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Thank you very much. God bless you.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26COCKEREL CROWS
0:43:26 > 0:43:28That's fantastic, that's great,
0:43:28 > 0:43:30because we were only there earlier this year.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32The school is practically almost built
0:43:32 > 0:43:35and a proper tangible effect on these kids' lives.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Only a quarter of them ever went to school
0:43:37 > 0:43:40because of the two-hour walk there. That's all gone now.
0:43:40 > 0:43:45The dangers of the floods, the dangers of the walk - all gone.
0:43:45 > 0:43:46Yeah, what more can I say?
0:43:46 > 0:43:48I really don't think there's anything more you can say.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Give it a rest, Jack, no-one's interested. You've done enough.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54I was just going to say... No, just leave it. Just let it go, just let it go.
0:43:54 > 0:43:58LENNY HENRY: Right now, Comic Relief funds 25 projects aiming to improve
0:43:58 > 0:44:02access and quality of education for thousands of people.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Time now for a man who's passionate, funny
0:44:04 > 0:44:07and quite frankly a Comic Relief legend.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11But it's seemed this year like he had a few things to get off his chest.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14It's always best to share than bottle up, isn't it?
0:44:14 > 0:44:18But you start to wonder exactly how many bottles he had. It's Smithy.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Michael, who have you got?
0:44:20 > 0:44:23What about you, sir? Hello. Hello. Hi.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25And what's your name?
0:44:25 > 0:44:28Um, my name's Neil but people call me Smithy.
0:44:28 > 0:44:31Hello, Smithy. What have you done for Comic Relief this year?
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Have you raised some money?
0:44:33 > 0:44:37Um, yeah, no, me and a few of the boys, we did a great Essex bake off.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40Good. What did you make? I just did some flapjacks.
0:44:40 > 0:44:44No, I mean how much money did you make for Comic Relief?
0:44:44 > 0:44:50Oh, we raised, like, 64 quid. Well, every little helps, I suppose.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, that's good.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56It's wonderful. Any amount raised is positive, well done.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00Well, how much have you given? Sorry? Sorry? You heard. What?
0:45:00 > 0:45:02How much have you given? Sorry?
0:45:02 > 0:45:06Don't give me this, "Oh, I've given my time, I've waived my fee!" You're asking me for money.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09You charged me ?35 to come and see you at the O2. Ten of us went.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11By the way, it was brilliant but still,
0:45:11 > 0:45:1435 quid to watch you on a big screen is a joke.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17Great, well, you know what? Thank you...
0:45:17 > 0:45:18No, no, I've had enough, get out of the way,
0:45:18 > 0:45:20I've had enough of this, right? No, no!
0:45:20 > 0:45:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:22 > 0:45:26No, no, no, listen, right?
0:45:26 > 0:45:28Every two years we get this. Every two years. It's worse now.
0:45:28 > 0:45:32Comic Relief used to just be one night, it was a Friday night
0:45:32 > 0:45:36which was fine, but now it starts, like, two months before!
0:45:36 > 0:45:40Let's Dance for Comic Relief, let's not, yeah? LAUGHTER
0:45:40 > 0:45:44Let's have a bit of self-respect. It's a joke. Celebrities dancing, they're not even celebrities.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46Most of them are just people.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49There's already a show where celebrities dance, it's called Strictly.
0:45:49 > 0:45:51It's brilliant. Leave it at that. LAUGHTER
0:45:51 > 0:45:54I don't really care about people canoeing down the Zambezi.
0:45:54 > 0:45:55I mean, how hard is it?
0:45:55 > 0:45:57It's basically a week with a Spice Girl in Center Parcs.
0:45:57 > 0:46:00We're supposed to feel sorry for them! LAUGHTER
0:46:00 > 0:46:03Comic Relief isn't about them, it's not about any of this.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07It's not about celebrities and TV shows, it's about YOU. All of you.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:09 > 0:46:14Every single one of you. You, you, you, you and you.
0:46:14 > 0:46:18And you, it's all of you, you, you, you and you. And you.
0:46:18 > 0:46:22And you and you and you and you.
0:46:22 > 0:46:27Comic Relief is all about the people of Britain all doing their bit to make a difference.
0:46:27 > 0:46:32It's about Susan, who abseiled down the side of her post office with no safety harness.
0:46:32 > 0:46:37It's about David, who baked cupcakes and sold them on his front lawn.
0:46:37 > 0:46:39And they're disgusting, but it's not the point.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43It's not about cuddly toys or celebrities waterskiing,
0:46:43 > 0:46:46it's about the money in your pocket.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50It's the fiver which buys a malaria net which saves a kid's life.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54BRASS BAND PLAYS Last year, this country, this beautiful country,
0:46:54 > 0:46:58gave ?9.3 billion to charity.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01Times couldn't be tougher, yet you all gave.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05For 25 years you have all been giving, and tonight we need you to do it again.
0:47:05 > 0:47:08We really do because if we don't, who will?
0:47:08 > 0:47:10Yes, you, you on your sofa with your phone in your pocket
0:47:10 > 0:47:12wondering whether to call or not.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15Do it, do it now, don't wait, give what you can
0:47:15 > 0:47:19because you are Comic Relief. You are the reason for it.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22I know it's a bit ... sometimes.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25It's not 25 years of making people laugh, you can fit all the actual
0:47:25 > 0:47:28funny bits into about an hour, but that's not the point.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31Don't do it because you want to see Gareth Malone make
0:47:31 > 0:47:34a load of rugby players sing Abide With Me, don't do it
0:47:34 > 0:47:38because five Olympians you've never heard of are doing The Full Monty.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Don't do it because Nick Knowles says he's going to put up a shed.
0:47:41 > 0:47:44Do it because they need it. Do it because you care.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Do it because you can.
0:47:46 > 0:47:51Remind yourself why we are proud to be British.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Thank you!
0:47:54 > 0:47:58You are Comic Relief, you are Comic Relief!
0:47:59 > 0:48:01So let's get another hit of festive thanks
0:48:01 > 0:48:05in for more dazzling fundraisers. We get all sorts here, you know.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08Hi, I'm Donna and along with my group of colleagues here,
0:48:08 > 0:48:10we attempted the world's biggest Pilates class.
0:48:10 > 0:48:15We had over 830 people but just missed out on the world record
0:48:15 > 0:48:18but we raised over ?30,000 doing it.
0:48:18 > 0:48:20DRUM ROLL Yeah!
0:48:20 > 0:48:21BANG
0:48:21 > 0:48:25Woo-hoo! Congratulations. Well done.
0:48:25 > 0:48:28Keep doing your Pilates, you're brilliant.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30We're part of a group of bloggers called Team Honk and for
0:48:30 > 0:48:35Red Nose Day we climbed Mount Snowdon in red pants, visited Ghana,
0:48:35 > 0:48:38cut off our hair, blogged and cycled to raise just under ?10,000.
0:48:38 > 0:48:39DRUM ROLL Oh, God!
0:48:39 > 0:48:42Congratulations. Brilliant. How brilliant was that?
0:48:42 > 0:48:44There you go, this is for the two of you.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Did you actually wear the red pants and do the cycling? Yes!
0:48:46 > 0:48:50Is that the pants? Yes, completely. That's disgraceful. Hang on, they have to go on my head.
0:48:50 > 0:48:56They are clean. Well done, Team Honk. How brilliant. Thanks.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59We've seen some very surprised faces here today.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03Everyone's except mine, because I'm not surprised by how blooming brilliant you all are.
0:49:03 > 0:49:07It's been a genuine treat putting a smile on the faces of so many fundraisers.
0:49:07 > 0:49:12Goodness knows, they've done the same to so many people in projects across Africa and the UK this year.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15You've always been there, thank you all so much.
0:49:15 > 0:49:16Get your hand off my bum.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18LAUGHTER
0:49:18 > 0:49:22Another day in Africa and the truth is, it's difficult to make changes
0:49:22 > 0:49:25but that's why I come here, so I can see with my own eyes
0:49:25 > 0:49:28and report back to you some of the amazing individual
0:49:28 > 0:49:31stories of lives utterly changed by your money.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Each story about each individual completely inspires me
0:49:34 > 0:49:38to ask you to help us help even more.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41But there is another story happening here in Africa
0:49:41 > 0:49:44that it's really important Comic Relief tells you all about.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46We're on the right side of history.
0:49:46 > 0:49:50Things really are getting better in a huge way and mainly of course
0:49:50 > 0:49:53because of the things Africans are doing for themselves.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57Africa really is on the move.
0:49:57 > 0:50:0240 million more children are in school since the year 2,000.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05Since 1990, 1.8 billion people have got access to safe drinking water,
0:50:05 > 0:50:09saving millions of lives from waterborne diseases.
0:50:09 > 0:50:13The number of women dying in childbirth has fallen by one third.
0:50:13 > 0:50:14From almost none a decade ago,
0:50:14 > 0:50:18there are now half a billion mobile phones in Africa.
0:50:18 > 0:50:21Every year there are more and more young Africans
0:50:21 > 0:50:25transforming their own society as teachers, businessmen and women,
0:50:25 > 0:50:28health workers, technicians, builders, politicians.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30The list goes on.
0:50:30 > 0:50:34You get the picture. It's a picture of change and progress.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36If you've ever denoted to Comic Relief,
0:50:36 > 0:50:38you are part of that picture.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Now, on Red Nose night we show you a lot of people
0:50:40 > 0:50:43who are still in need. We have to.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45It's our job to tell you their stories because they are real
0:50:45 > 0:50:51and still need help. We need you to care and donate as much as you can. But know this.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54While so much good is being done with your money every single
0:50:54 > 0:50:57day of the year, the big future of Africa is changing day by day
0:50:57 > 0:50:59and it's usually for the better.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03We are part of a generation that will see that change happen.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25WOMAN GROANS Morning, morning, morning.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28Hello, maternity assessment. Midwife.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30Every minute... TICKING
0:51:30 > 0:51:33..of every hour of every day...
0:51:33 > 0:51:35That's what we want.
0:51:35 > 0:51:39We keep calm and eat cake. ..a baby is born in Britain.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Just get someone. Sh-sh. Just call the midwife!
0:51:49 > 0:51:50BUZZER
0:51:50 > 0:51:52JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS
0:51:52 > 0:51:56Gosh, terribly sorry. The stairs were a bally nightmare.
0:51:56 > 0:51:57Don't fret, we're here.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01We'll chop chop with a piping-hot enema and some nice cold towels.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04Chop chop, Chummy. Chop chop.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08One knows it will be splendid and tickety-boo and tippety-top,
0:52:08 > 0:52:10tippety-toppety splendidly tickety-boo.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Who are you? What are you saying?
0:52:12 > 0:52:14It's reassuring posh '50s speak.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16It's worked really well for all of my births.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Tony, call a proper midwife.
0:52:19 > 0:52:21BUZZER
0:52:21 > 0:52:25Are these two not helping? Leave it to me. I'm the lead.
0:52:25 > 0:52:31We just need a roaring coal fire and a lovely cup of tea made by a kindly neighbour.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35Don't worry, everyone, I've brought tea. How could we forget tea?
0:52:35 > 0:52:38I must eat in most scenes. I want an epidural.
0:52:38 > 0:52:42I've only got carrot cake and a couple of eclairs, I'm afraid, Betty.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46I think something's wrong. Dramatic twist possibility.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49It's got BAFTA all over it.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52It seems to me, gazing back across the decades,
0:52:52 > 0:52:55that my journey into womanhood began on the streets of...
0:52:55 > 0:52:58Not now, Vanessa Redgrave.
0:52:58 > 0:53:04What's going on? Listen, sir, er, old chap. Who are you, anyway?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07And besides, I'm a woman.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09SHE LAUGHS Don't be silly.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11You're being paid and wearing trousers.
0:53:11 > 0:53:13Come and sit down, have a cup of tea.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Right, I want a doctor and I want one now.
0:53:16 > 0:53:16BUZZER
0:53:16 > 0:53:19"DOCTOR WHO" THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:53:23 > 0:53:27It's OK, chaps, I'm here. Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:53:27 > 0:53:32Hey, nuns and midwives. Smashing. Oh, yes, Evangelina.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35Since when you did you become a nun? Right, concentrate, Doctor, get a grip.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Right, Dawn, I'm here to tell you that in precisely seven minutes
0:53:38 > 0:53:41and 12.06 seconds you will give birth to twins.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44You will call them Jonathan and Edward and individually they will
0:53:44 > 0:53:46be lovely, healthy children but combined, they will form
0:53:46 > 0:53:49a being scary than a weeping angel, a creation more terrifying than
0:53:49 > 0:53:53a Cyberman and a monstrosity more vocally annoying than a Dalek.
0:53:53 > 0:53:58It is imperative they are kept apart because otherwise, otherwise...
0:53:58 > 0:54:01They will become... DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:54:01 > 0:54:03..Jedward.
0:54:03 > 0:54:04ALL: No!
0:54:04 > 0:54:08You know what they say - as one thing ends something else beautiful begins,
0:54:08 > 0:54:12and that means Sport Relief 2014 is only just round the corner.
0:54:13 > 0:54:17You may remember the Herculean efforts of David Walliams
0:54:17 > 0:54:20conquering 140 miles of the Thames, or John Bishop
0:54:20 > 0:54:24and his incredible journey from Paris to London in a week of hell.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Now, you needn't go to such extremes
0:54:26 > 0:54:30but you can take part by entering the fantastic Sport Relief Games.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34Run, swim or cycle in events taking place all over the UK, including
0:54:34 > 0:54:39the flagship event at London's iconic Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park.
0:54:39 > 0:54:45Sport Relief weekend is from 21st to 23rd of March next year.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Go to...
0:54:47 > 0:54:50to find out more.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53We know you're up to the challenge, just like you were this Red Nose Day,
0:54:53 > 0:54:55so get stuck in.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58But above and beyond the staggering millions you raised this year,
0:54:58 > 0:55:02it's actually the single contribution that every one of you has made
0:55:02 > 0:55:05that means so much, and the direct impact that
0:55:05 > 0:55:09has on the life of another person you've not even met.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13But for me what lingers still is the never-ending echo of screams
0:55:13 > 0:55:15that fill my head.
0:55:15 > 0:55:20From the best fans of the best band in the world, it's One Direction.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:24 > 0:55:27# One way or another I'm gonna find you
0:55:27 > 0:55:30# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you
0:55:30 > 0:55:33# One way or another I'm gonna win you
0:55:33 > 0:55:35# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you
0:55:35 > 0:55:39# One way or another I'm gonna see you
0:55:39 > 0:55:42# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you
0:55:42 > 0:55:44# One day, maybe next week
0:55:44 > 0:55:47# I'm gonna meet you I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you
0:55:47 > 0:55:53# I will drive past your house
0:55:53 > 0:55:59# And if the lights are all down
0:55:59 > 0:56:05# I'll see who's around
0:56:05 > 0:56:06# Let's go
0:56:06 > 0:56:09# One way or another I'm gonna find you
0:56:09 > 0:56:11# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you
0:56:11 > 0:56:15# One way or another I'm gonna win you
0:56:15 > 0:56:17# I'll get you, I'll get you
0:56:17 > 0:56:21# One way or another I'm gonna see you
0:56:21 > 0:56:23# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you
0:56:23 > 0:56:26# One day, maybe next week
0:56:26 > 0:56:29# I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you I'll meet you
0:56:29 > 0:56:35# And if the lights are all out
0:56:35 > 0:56:41# I'll follow your bus downtown
0:56:41 > 0:56:45# See who's hanging out. #
0:56:45 > 0:56:48Comic Relief, are you ready?
0:56:48 > 0:56:50# Two, three, four
0:56:50 > 0:56:54# Na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na
0:56:54 > 0:56:55# Na, na, na, na, na, na
0:56:55 > 0:57:04# I wanna hold you Wanna hold you tight
0:57:04 > 0:57:07# Yeah, teenage kicks right through the night
0:57:07 > 0:57:16# I wanna hold you Wanna hold you tight
0:57:16 > 0:57:19# Yeah, teenage kicks right through the night
0:57:19 > 0:57:23# One way or another I'm gonna see you
0:57:23 > 0:57:26# I'm gonna meet you, meet you Meet you, meet you
0:57:26 > 0:57:29# One way or another I'm gonna win you
0:57:29 > 0:57:31# I'm gonna get you, get you, Get you, get you
0:57:31 > 0:57:35# One way or another I'm gonna see you
0:57:35 > 0:57:37# I'm gonna meet you Meet you, meet you, meet you
0:57:37 > 0:57:41# One way or another I'm gonna win you
0:57:41 > 0:57:43# I'm gonna get you, get you Get you, get you
0:57:43 > 0:57:47# One way or another I'm gonna see you
0:57:47 > 0:57:49# I'm gonna meet you Meet you, meet you, meet you
0:57:49 > 0:57:52# One way or another I'm gonna win you
0:57:52 > 0:57:56# I wanna get you, get you Get you, get you
0:57:56 > 0:57:58# One way or another. #
0:57:58 > 0:58:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:00 > 0:58:03You've all been part of another record-breaking year
0:58:03 > 0:58:07and capped an incredible 25 years of fundraising, so we doff our caps
0:58:07 > 0:58:12to you and say a big thank you for watching and of course for giving.