0:00:02 > 0:00:06I'm Lenny Henry. And I'm back at the London Palladium
0:00:06 > 0:00:09to revisit the very place where Comic Relief
0:00:09 > 0:00:12hosted the biggest comedy extravaganza of 2015
0:00:12 > 0:00:15and was the setting for a historic announcement.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- WOMAN:- Hello, Comic Relief 2015!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21LENNY: London Palladium, make some noise!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- MAN:- Bond! James Bond!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- WOMAN:- Winner of the People's Strictly.
0:00:25 > 0:00:2730 years of Comic Relief.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30How are the balls of your feet? LAUGHTER
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh, they've seen better days, my friend.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And I think tonight could be the best Red Nose night ever.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:41And here's your first incredible host,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44the King of Comic Relief, Lenworth Henry!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Year after year, you the great British public pull out all the stops
0:00:49 > 0:00:51and help raise an incredible amount of money.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And once again you absolutely smashed it,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56because now I can reveal that the total raised
0:00:56 > 0:00:58is a whopping...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04..for Red Nose Day 2015!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And thanks to your generosity and continuing support over the last 30 years,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Comic Relief have raised a staggering amount.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20So this year, we're saying Thanks A Billion!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Coming up in the next hour, I travel back to Uganda
0:01:24 > 0:01:27to catch up with some old friends to see how your money
0:01:27 > 0:01:30is dramatically changing people's lives for the better.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Plus, we revisit comedy from the Lord's favourite The Vicar Of Dibley.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- What could possibly go wrong?- And everyone's favourite - Mr Bean.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We go Behind The Bond and we find out
0:01:38 > 0:01:40who has what it takes to be a National Treasure.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Is this going to take much longer?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45It's just I've got a hair commercial to film.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Plus, there's more Comic Relief from Phoenix Nights, Little Britain...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- I am not deaf!- Be nice, Stevie.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54..Dermot O'Leary and David Walliams.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- This is really fantastic entertainment, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Sit back and enjoy the show.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03We will not be asking you for money this time, just enjoy the laughs
0:02:03 > 0:02:06and see some of the brilliant work that's being done with your cash.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08In fact, let's have a quick look now.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Excuse me, how much is it to Uganda? - Oh, You must be joking, mate.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17No, no. I promise you, I'll give you a big tip. Let's go!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Are you sure you're going to be all right, Vicar?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Absolutely, it's an ice bucket challenge.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25What could possibly go wrong?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Yes, yes. Jim I'm a bit puzzled. - SQUEAKING
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- What's that squeaking?- Oh, no, no, no. That'll be the mice.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- What mice?- The mice in the bucket.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- LAUGHTER - Oh, right.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Right, are you ready, Rev?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yep. Go for it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49- Oh, hang on. - RINGTONE PLAYS MY SWEET LORD
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Vicar of Dibley, girl of God speaking.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Hello, I'm calling from Lambeth Palace
0:02:54 > 0:02:56on behalf of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58As you know, the Church of England has accepted
0:02:58 > 0:03:00the concept of female bishops
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and I have been authorised to ask
0:03:03 > 0:03:05if you would consider taking on that role?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yes!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yes, I damn well would!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- SHE GASPS - Oh, my actual God!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15But before we get into this,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17there are two very important things to say.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21One, please, do not utter a word of this to a soul.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Guess who's going to be a woman bishop?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, is it John Bishop's wife?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- No...I am!- Hurrah! - CHEERING
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I am!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34And two, we will of course be asking several other female vicars
0:03:34 > 0:03:38to take part in what promises to be a highly competitive selection process.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- SHE GASPS - Will you do us the great honour
0:03:40 > 0:03:44of coming to the palace at 11am on the 17th?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Of course! I'd be delighted to.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Bless you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And it's so... Oh, no, you've gone. OK.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Bring on the bucket, Jim!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57SHE SCREAMS
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's been just over a year since I first came to Iylowa,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04a remote village in Eastern Uganda.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05I was visiting a health centre
0:04:05 > 0:04:08that many referred to as the worst clinic in the country,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I knew something had to be done.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It was an ambitious mission, but in January
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I called in a bunch of mates to work alongside the local community
0:04:20 > 0:04:24to help transform this run-down, dilapidated excuse for a clinic
0:04:24 > 0:04:29into a brand-new health centre serving a community of over 20,000 people.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31But now we're going back.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And it's been working as a functioning medical centre for a few months now.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37It'll be a real testament to the work of everyone that got involved.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46It looks fantastic! Look at that!
0:04:49 > 0:04:54Gosh! This is completely different to when we first came here.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's just brilliant. It's got a gate.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00The gardens look fantastic and it's so beautiful now.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02People look happy to be here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I'm really, really chuffed and excited.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I'm welling up, it's all..
0:05:08 > 0:05:09LENNY LAUGHS
0:05:09 > 0:05:15When I first met Dorothy, she was delivering babies in a rat-infested, smelly, damp room with no light.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16And Francis the head clinician
0:05:16 > 0:05:19had come here on a temporary placement
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and couldn't believe how desperate the conditions were.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- How are you?- Not too bad.- Hug it out, Dorothy. Hug it out.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Hello!- Glad to see you.- Glad to see you too.- You're welcome.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- This is brilliant.- Sure.- Are you pleased?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33We are very pleased.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Welcome to Iyolwa. The new Iyolwa.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38This is our waiting area.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Because of the new equipment and the building,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- plus the staffing ratios, we're able to see so many patients on a monthly basis.- Uh-huh.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Deliveries have increased, even immunisation.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52You couldn't do immunisation when I was here, cos there was no materials.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- We could do...- You didn't have a fridge, do you remember?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- We have fridges, we can keep our vaccines.- Uh-huh.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01So we really immunise so many babies on a monthly basis.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Oh! So are you happy?- Very happy. - Great.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- So there's someone who would love to take you around.- OK.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- LENNY LAUGHS - Lenny!- It's Gonza!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Gonza was the project leader who rose to the challenge
0:06:13 > 0:06:18and in just two months turned a crumbling clinic into a brand spanking new health facility.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- We can do it. We can do it.- Yes!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- GONZA LAUGHS - Oh, man!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I've come to see everybody and to look at the place.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And it's...it's looking great. Is it holding up all right?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, it was quite a challenge, Lenny, I tell you.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- It was, wasn't it?- Oh! Whoo! But I'm glad it turned out like this.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I'd like to be shown around, I'd like a cup of tea and a muffin.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'll show you round.- BOTH: Maternity ward!- Look at this.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Well, this is...- Look at this! - This is a massive change, isn't it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Remember, there was no glass in the windows, there was nowhere to wash.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50No. It was actually just this small.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- You had all the beds crammed and all the beds were broken.- That's right.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Look at this.- People didn't want to come in here because they felt unsafe.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You didn't call it a clinic, Lenny, it was just a place you went if you were really...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Like a bus stop?- If you had no option.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- There was a kind of fear, cos nobody wanted to come here and be here at night.- Yeah, that's right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11But there was also a sense of a weird thing of defeat, you know,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"Here we are in this place with rats and mice and bats."
0:07:14 > 0:07:19And, you know, here was something that was broken down and derelict before and now look at it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I just can't believe the way it's turned out, Lenny.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's just...marvellous!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26BABY CRIES
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Every time you build one of these, you can change a community.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And I hope that this really sets a benchmark
0:07:31 > 0:07:33for other facilities such as this.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Well, this...this can serve as best practice, right?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Yeah, yeah. I'm actually hoping the other way round,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- I hope it can be the minimum standard.- This is the minimum you should do.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- The new minimum.- This is the new minimum.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46- I think you're right.- Yeah, yeah.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Here's a little groover who's going to tell us what's next.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Dance, baby, dance!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Here's Dermot!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I've always wanted to say this to you, Dermot.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- CHEERING - Here are your best bits.- Here they come.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03This is going to be your home for the next 24 hours.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05MUSIC: What Kind Of Man by Florence And The Machine
0:08:05 > 0:08:09# To let me dangle at a cruel angle
0:08:09 > 0:08:11# Oh, my feet don't touch the floor... #
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I want to know, can you actually dance?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17# Sometimes you're half in and then you're half out... #
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Just being able to go like this for a little while is kind of nice.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24# What kind of man looks like you? #
0:08:24 > 0:08:28This is what I like to call at home my 2am-6am look.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It's dancing, doing good.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm going to cry! I'm going to cry!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36# Oh, mercy, I implore... #
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Why have you stopped dancing? - LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Can I just dance in the back of the weather while you do it?- You can.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- KIDS CHANT:- Dermot! Dermot!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- No! - APPLAUSE
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You're mad, you know? You're mad.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:58CHEERING
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So, I can reveal that your day of dance has raised...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08CHEERING
0:09:12 > 0:09:15CHEERING
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Britain, Britain, Britain.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Today, carer Lou Todd
0:09:22 > 0:09:26is taking his friend on a tour of Cambridge University.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I've been banned from punting on that river nude,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31which is what I am now.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33# Ooh, baby, baby
0:09:33 > 0:09:35# Ooh, baby, baby
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Push it, push it real good. #
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Oh, look, there's some ducks!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43You like ducks, don't you?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What noise do ducks make?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I am late for my lecture on the origins of the universe.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54No, they don't say that, they say - Quack-quack!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Can you say quack-quack?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I am a university professor.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Oh, then you should know what ducks say.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Right, now we'll have a nice look around, then I'll get you home,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10get your tea on, and if you're very good, Stevie,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- you can watch Peppa Pig.- Don't like it.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I thought you loved Peppa Pig?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19You always said, it was an astute critique
0:10:19 > 0:10:22of contemporary family life in porcine form.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Yeah, I know.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Good afternoon, Lou.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And is this your new friend?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- This is Stevie.- Hello there!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- I am not deaf.- Be nice, Stevie.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Why is she dressed like a penguin?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43No, that is very rude.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Don't worry, nothing could spoil this beautiful day.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- The sun in the sky, the wind in the trees, the song of the birds. - BIRDSONG
0:10:52 > 0:10:58- Astounding to think the Lord created all this in just seven days.- Hmm.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Incorrect. It took 13.8 billion years.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Let's not get bogged down in all that again.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- The universe was created by a big bang.- Oh, I don't think so!
0:11:10 > 0:11:14And after an initial expansion, the universe cooled.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He can go on like this all day.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- Next, he'll be claiming he wrote a book.- It's all in my book, A Brief History Of Time.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Yes, yes, the famous book!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- He tells a lot of fibs.- Oh, that's very sad.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yes, he claims there's been a film made of his life,
0:11:30 > 0:11:31that he's been in The Simpsons.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Yesterday, he even said he's been in an advert with the Go Compare man.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38As if he's met the Go Compare man.
0:11:38 > 0:11:45He keeps saying he wants to find that one theory that explains the existence of the universe?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- I want that one.- Yes, so you keep saying!
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Hmm. it sounds like he's not all there.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Right, that's it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Professor Stephen Hawking Bot - Transform!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59WHIRRING
0:12:03 > 0:12:05INTEL INSIDE JINGLE
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09WHIRRING
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Computer says - Die!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Slow down! I've got a stitch!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Stevie!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35WHIRRING
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You don't have to watch Peppa Pig!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Ha...ha...ha.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52As the sun sets on Little Britain,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I wish you all a very goodbye.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It's a new day here at the clinic and I'm here to meet up with Francis.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Dorothy said the other day that this is a model centre. Do you feel that?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18She didn't lie. Iyolwa in Tororo, Eastern Uganda,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20this is the best Health Centre III.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22That's fantastic! Come on, my friend.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27It's so organised, it must feel so much more advanced than it was.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Yeah, sure, cos with such a facility you need to be on top of your game,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35otherwise everything will go crumbling.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37See you later, OK?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- You seem to be the Don here.- I'm really very happy. - LENNY LAUGHS
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I'm very happy with the whole, you know, with the whole organisation.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm very happy with the new building.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52But it's not just that, you've changed.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Sure, that's what people say, but erm...- You've changed!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- I'm still the same.- You've changed.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- I remember when we first came here. - I love that.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- I love figures.- Francis had the biggest wall of data I've ever seen.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- This is our vision. - LENNY READS ALOUD
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- And I think we're almost there. - LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I think that's brilliant!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29This is basically our pharmacy.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31And people feel like they can come here now?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Every month we have improved figures,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38more deliveries, more babies immunised,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- more mothers coming for family planning services.- You're loving this.- Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Well, you're certainly doing well today. This is a lot of people.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49So, basically, this is the last batch of patients.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You've got a little queue, you've got a bench, people sitting around on the grass.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57- It's a nice area now, right? It's a nice place to be.- Yeah, very clean. Very clean, very clean.
0:14:57 > 0:15:03- They're having computer lessons. - Something that you're going to love - PowerPoint.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I see you with a pointer.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- LAUGHTER WOMAN:- Is it OK?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- So I just want to just say thank you. - You're welcome.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- And thank you to the British public for helping.- We appreciate.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- And er...I'm just going to do some television stuff now.- It's OK.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Coming up next, we find out who is the real national treasure.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Be there!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- How was that?- Perfect.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY PLAYS
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:05So, is this your first time?
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Oh, no, I've actually been trying to become a national treasure for years.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, really? Why, what is it you do?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I write books.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16No way! So do I.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- How many have you done?- About 17.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Is that all? I've done about 52. - LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Mind you, I don't even know what they were about.- MAN: Next!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Take a seat.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32May I just say, it's a real honour to be here in front of you,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- esteemed members of the panel. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- We can't abide grovelling.- Sorry. - Or apologising.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- So, Mr Williams...- Er, it's Walliams.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Williams. Why do you think you should become a national treasure?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Well, as you probably know, I'm a comedian.- Really?!
0:16:48 > 0:16:53I've seen you on television many times, I had absolutely no idea.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, I actually did a very popular comedy show called Little Britain.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, yeah, I remember that from when I was a kid.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01he funny bald guy. Do you remember? ALL LAUGH
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- He's hilarious!- He's very funny.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I don't remember you, though.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08But the real reason I'm here today
0:17:08 > 0:17:12is because I swam the Thames for Sport Relief.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Yes, about that, Mr Williams,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I spoke to the charity, they said they never received the cheque.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- LAUGHTER - Well, I...I had an envelope
0:17:22 > 0:17:25and I was out of stamps, so I...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'll just go.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31BELL
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Cheryl...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36how do you fancy your chances today?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'm just really excited to have made it this far, you know?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's always been a massive dream of mine
0:17:41 > 0:17:45and I just would hate for the journey to end here today.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Cheryl, we've made a decision.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53The standard this year has been...it's been the best ever
0:17:53 > 0:17:58and in any other year we would just put you straight through.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Oh, gosh! Sorry, it's hard, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I know you don't...want your journey to end,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09but, I'm really sorry, it's not good news.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It is great news!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18We're sending you home...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21to call your nan...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24who will burst into tears...of joy...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28and sadness, when you tell her,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31you have-n't not
0:18:31 > 0:18:34failed to not...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Is this going to take much longer?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's just I've got a hair commercial to film.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- Well, we're going to have to go back to the beginning now.- Next!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46So here we are in this vestibule of trinkets adorned with glamour,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49glitz and gold where you ordain who
0:18:49 > 0:18:52can join the national treasure status. Don't you think that we're just fortifying
0:18:52 > 0:18:54the idea of an establishment?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Aren't we already lost in this materialistic, individualistic
0:18:58 > 0:19:01narrative in which the deification of individual personalities
0:19:01 > 0:19:03over us as a community, as a group,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06means that we can never have any kind of true equality?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Don't you think the real treasure is humanity as a whole?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Does he want to be in or not?- I've no idea.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- So is that a "yes"?- Yeah, and I'll give you a free copy of me book.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- BELL - Two free copies?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Well, we have to make somebody a national treasure today,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27otherwise the Big Man'll be furious.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It's just so hard to find anyone as wonderful as us.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Are you sure?- Oh, absolutely.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- HE LAUGHS - If you knew what I knew.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Last year when I visited the clinic, I witnessed the appalling conditions
0:19:48 > 0:19:50in which mothers were expected to give birth.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54There was no running water, no light and no sterilised equipment,
0:19:54 > 0:19:59but they had one ray of hope and that was Dorothy.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07- Here's Catherine.- 1.8, now she's 2.7. That's a very big change.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- That's a huge change.- A very big change.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Harriet and Catherine were born at seven months,
0:20:14 > 0:20:19but because of this incubator, which costs about £500, that you paid for,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22we were able to bring them to full incubation. Thank you so much.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Dorothy, you said before that people were a bit worried about this place,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30which meant that it felt like they were worried about you.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32That's changed as well, hasn't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Yeah, it has changed, cos they were not worried about me
0:20:35 > 0:20:38because they knew I would give them the services they need,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42but their worry was that I lacked what to use.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43So there's no sense of people
0:20:43 > 0:20:46being scared to come here any more is there?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48No, there's no sense of them getting scared,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52because everything I need like in the examination room, it's there.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Antenatal clinic, it's there.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56My delivery suite is equipped.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01So, really, it has made us now love work and it has simplified the work.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- Because there's a system in place? - Because everything is in place.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Dorothy holds a weekly clinic for mums-to-be in her new office,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and a few nervous dads pop along too.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You have to feed your woman well.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That's now your obligation. You are the head of the family,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21you make sure that before you bite, she's the first person to bite.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Because now she's carrying your baby, she's feeding two people.
0:21:38 > 0:21:44This is Helen's new baby called Vicky, after a member of the Comic Relief crew,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48and she's 11 hours old.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52And because of the money you raised last year for Red Nose Day,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55we've got a bed and a family area and a place
0:21:55 > 0:21:59where Helen and her family can sit and eat and share
0:21:59 > 0:22:02and...bring this lovely little baby into the world.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06So thank you very, very much if you did anything for Comic Relief.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09This is what... This is what it means and this is what happens.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- This stuff works. Thank you.- Yes. Welcome.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18What was great about that session was that Dorothy was very much in control of her environment.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20She had everything she needed
0:22:20 > 0:22:24and you could tell that people felt comfortable in that space.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Even the husbands, who tend to look a bit grumpy, cos they don't know what they're doing here.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31But what was brilliant was Dorothy
0:22:31 > 0:22:35was able to exercise her control over it.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40And she's got everything she needs, she's got her purple book with the pictorial stuff in it, you know.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42This is... A lot of people can't read,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44so what's great is if it's all in pictures,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48they can see different stages of pregnancy and different problems that might occur.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51She's got all the basic equipment that she needs.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I loved it when she told the husband off, that was great. "Feed your...
0:22:53 > 0:22:57"Feed your woman first, she must eat first, you second."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59HE LAUGHS
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And he was sat there going, "OK, Dorothy. OK, I will!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:24ORGAN STRIKES UP
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Could I, erm...come in?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:18BEAN SIGHS
0:24:21 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26BEAN MAKES GLUGGING NOISE
0:24:31 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43BEAN SIGHS
0:24:57 > 0:24:59BEAN TRUMPETS LOUDLY
0:25:02 > 0:25:04TRUMPETING CONTINUES
0:25:04 > 0:25:08BEAN TRUMPETS RHYTHMICALLY
0:25:08 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:17BEAN TRUMPETS
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41(Why? Why?!)
0:25:43 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:03(I'd better go up.)
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:16BEAN SIGHS
0:26:16 > 0:26:18GASPING LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Since Red Nose Day, your money has been hard at work
0:26:27 > 0:26:31and has already funded over 1,000 projects across the UK.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35In fact, right now, the chances are you are less than 30 miles away
0:26:35 > 0:26:39from a Comic Relief-funded project, which really is an amazing thing -
0:26:39 > 0:26:43to think that your money is changing lives right here, right now.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48You are helping people living with dementia to find the support they need.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I love it here. I feel loved.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Very much loved.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58You're giving vulnerable young people the chance to have a
0:26:58 > 0:26:59brighter future.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I've had a second chance here and I'm very grateful
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and I'm using it wisely.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05You're helping ex-servicemen
0:27:05 > 0:27:09and women who've had traumatic experiences to rebuild their lives.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11This place has saved my life.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Erm, I was rock bottom feeling very low
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and now I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19You're giving children who care for members of their family
0:27:19 > 0:27:22the chance to live their own lives too.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27With your problems, cos they'd understand, cos they're in the same situation.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30And as we all know, Christmas can be an expensive time of year,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33especially for families struggling to make ends meet.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Your money is helping them with food banks and debt advice.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40My only option left was the food bank.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43It meant so much, I was... I was so emotional.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I was happy but I was crying, same as now.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Just thank God that it was there.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And that's just some of the kinds of work that your money is doing
0:27:53 > 0:27:55to improve people's lives.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Now, since Comic Relief started in 1985, it's helped
0:27:59 > 0:28:01over 50 million people right here in the UK
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and in some of the world's poorest countries.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08All those people can't thank you in person, so on behalf of them -
0:28:08 > 0:28:10thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:28:12 > 0:28:18Here we go! Welcome to Manchester Arena, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Won't be long now.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Just you wait. Things I'm going to do to you.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Look. I'm not moving, am I!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Argh, argh! Get me down!
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Can you hear me now?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Them hood girls, them good girls, straight masterpieces
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# Stylin', wilin' Livin it up... #
0:28:40 > 0:28:42We didn't have to have it here!
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I said we could have this fundraiser at the Phoenix Club.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Have it here, they said. They wanted me to have big names.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I thought we don't need big names, we can do it ourselves.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I've got regulars at the club that could pull this off.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55They're all entertainers in their own minds.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57# Don't believe me, just watch Come on!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# If you don't believe me, just watch
0:29:05 > 0:29:09# Uptown funk you up, uptown funk you up... #
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Get off it in the wrong bit?
0:29:11 > 0:29:13# Uptown funk you up. #
0:29:13 > 0:29:14You all right?
0:29:15 > 0:29:19# Don't forget your black bin bags
0:29:19 > 0:29:23# They're on offer till December
0:29:23 > 0:29:27# They're your heavy-duty black bin bags
0:29:27 > 0:29:30# They're long and black and slender... #
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Dreadful! Where's Ray? Ray? Raymond, where are you?
0:29:34 > 0:29:36# Pump up the volume, pump up the volume
0:29:36 > 0:29:37# Pump up the volume... #
0:29:39 > 0:29:44# The circle of life
0:29:44 > 0:29:46# It's the wheel of fortune... #
0:29:46 > 0:29:50Just so you know, all the money raised is going to a very worthy cause.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Finally going to put Africa on the map.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Going to open a club out there - Phoenix Club, Africa Branch.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59We're going to go out there and we're going to give them
0:29:59 > 0:30:04something they've never had and that's five-star adult cabaret.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09# The circle of life... #
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Let's see you all clapping. Come on, it's Comic Relief!
0:30:27 > 0:30:32LAUGHTER
0:30:42 > 0:30:44INAUDIBLE
0:30:44 > 0:30:47LAUGHTER
0:30:47 > 0:30:53# The circle of life... #
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Thank you very much everybody!
0:30:58 > 0:31:05You've raised a total of £5,031,146 and 47p.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Yes! Goodnight, thank you!
0:31:18 > 0:31:21'While the circle of life continues in Uganda,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24'we're putting in a call to Radio One DJ Greg James.'
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Hey, Greg. How are you?
0:31:27 > 0:31:28- Lenny?- Hello, Greg!
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Gonza, how are you?
0:31:30 > 0:31:31I'm also around.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Joseph, how are you?
0:31:33 > 0:31:35'Joseph is a local school teacher
0:31:35 > 0:31:39'and worked as a builder alongside Radio One's Greg James.'
0:31:39 > 0:31:41I'm fine! How are you huh?
0:31:41 > 0:31:42There's a bit of an issue here, Greg,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45because you know you did the work on the roof and you did some
0:31:45 > 0:31:50painting and you built a cornerstone of the whole thing.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53'Thing is, Joseph's got an issue with you.'
0:31:53 > 0:31:56One of the house fall down. How did you build it? Hello.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Look, guys, I warned you that I wasn't the best at building but...
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Women are practically giving birth outside because of you.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06The British public have invested their hearts and minds
0:32:06 > 0:32:09and hard-earned cash to help rebuild this centre
0:32:09 > 0:32:11and change this community's life forever
0:32:11 > 0:32:16and you've basically done the reverse of what we asked you to do.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Oh, no! No! This is not what I wanted to hear.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Greg, the reverse of all of that is true, Greg.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24What's fantastic is that all of the work that everybody here, everybody
0:32:24 > 0:32:27from Comic Relief, all the builders from the local community, all the
0:32:27 > 0:32:30stuff that the British people gave money for, it's really worked, Greg.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32You'd be so chuffed if you were here.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35So the people at home who are listening to this should know
0:32:35 > 0:32:37that it's erm, it's a fantastic thing they've done.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41I can't believe it. I'm so chuffed to hear that it's going so well.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44The money that's invested by everybody that's given to charity
0:32:44 > 0:32:47has done a great deal of good and that's down to everybody listening
0:32:47 > 0:32:50to the show and watching the show, Greg, and thank you for giving your
0:32:50 > 0:32:54time and thanks to everybody who's given their time for Comic Relief. So you were a big part of that.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58- Thank you so much for the bit of painting that you did. - Thank you, Greg.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01And for laying and for laying the three bricks you laid.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Thank you so much, Greg. We love you!
0:33:03 > 0:33:06- Thanks a lot. Love Iyolwa. Goodbye. Goodbye.- Goodbye!
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Play us a record. Play us a record!
0:33:08 > 0:33:11We've managed to put together what we think is the greatest
0:33:11 > 0:33:14One Direction tribute band of all time.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Yes, we've given them some tips and we think they're pitch-perfect
0:33:17 > 0:33:19and fully primed for their first gig.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Please welcome to the stage everybody - No Direction!
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- # Maybe it's the way she walks - Aaw!
0:33:33 > 0:33:37# Straight into my heart and stole it
0:33:37 > 0:33:41# Through the door and past the guards
0:33:41 > 0:33:44# Just like she already owned it
0:33:44 > 0:33:48# I said, "Can you give it back to me?"
0:33:48 > 0:33:53# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams!"
0:33:53 > 0:33:55# And we danced all night
0:33:55 > 0:33:57# To the best song ever
0:33:57 > 0:33:59# We knew every line
0:33:59 > 0:34:01# Now I can't remember
0:34:01 > 0:34:03# How it goes but I know
0:34:03 > 0:34:05# That I won't forget her
0:34:05 > 0:34:07# Cos we danced all night
0:34:07 > 0:34:09# To the best song ever!
0:34:09 > 0:34:13# I think it went oh! oh! oh! I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15# I think it goes oohhhhh!
0:34:17 > 0:34:21- # Said her name was Georgia Rose - Aaw!
0:34:21 > 0:34:25# And her daddy was a dentist
0:34:25 > 0:34:28# Said I had a dirty mouth
0:34:28 > 0:34:30# I got a dirty mouth
0:34:30 > 0:34:33# But she kissed me like she meant it
0:34:33 > 0:34:37# I said, "Can I take you home with me?"
0:34:37 > 0:34:41# She said, "Never in your wildest dreams!"
0:34:41 > 0:34:43# And we danced all night
0:34:43 > 0:34:45# To the best song ever
0:34:45 > 0:34:47# We knew every line
0:34:47 > 0:34:49# Now I can't remember
0:34:49 > 0:34:51# How it goes but I know
0:34:51 > 0:34:53# That I won't forget her
0:34:53 > 0:34:55# Cos we danced all night
0:34:55 > 0:34:57# To the best song ever!
0:34:57 > 0:35:01# I think it went oh! oh! oh! I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03# I think it goes oohhhhh!
0:35:07 > 0:35:09# You know, I know, you know
0:35:09 > 0:35:11# I'll remember you
0:35:11 > 0:35:13# And I know, you know, I know
0:35:13 > 0:35:15# You'll remember me
0:35:15 > 0:35:17# You know, I know, you know
0:35:17 > 0:35:19# I'll remember you
0:35:19 > 0:35:21# And I know, you know, I hope
0:35:21 > 0:35:23# You remember how we danced
0:35:25 > 0:35:27# How we danced
0:35:29 > 0:35:30# One, two, one, two, three, four!
0:35:30 > 0:35:32# How we danced all night
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# To the best song ever
0:35:34 > 0:35:36# We knew every line
0:35:36 > 0:35:38# Now I can't remember
0:35:38 > 0:35:40# How it goes but I know
0:35:40 > 0:35:41# That I won't forget her
0:35:41 > 0:35:44# Cos we danced all night
0:35:44 > 0:35:46# To the best song ever!
0:35:46 > 0:35:48# I think it went oh! oh! oh!
0:35:48 > 0:35:50# I think it went yeah! yeah! yeah!
0:35:50 > 0:35:53# I think it goes oohhhhh!
0:35:54 > 0:35:58# It was the best song ever
0:35:58 > 0:36:02# It was the best song ever
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- # It was the best song ever.- #
0:36:11 > 0:36:15'It's 10.30 at night and I've come back to the clinic because Dorothy
0:36:15 > 0:36:19'is preparing to safely deliver a little baby into the world.'
0:36:19 > 0:36:23This is fantastic. They've got lights.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26# Yes, I do, I believe
0:36:26 > 0:36:30# That one day I will be, where I was
0:36:30 > 0:36:33# Right there, right next to you
0:36:33 > 0:36:36# And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
0:36:36 > 0:36:40# The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you
0:36:40 > 0:36:45# Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
0:36:45 > 0:36:50# No words can explain the way I'm missing you
0:36:50 > 0:36:54# The night, this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside
0:36:54 > 0:36:58# These tears, they tell their own story
0:36:58 > 0:37:01# You told me not to cry
0:37:01 > 0:37:06# When you were gone
0:37:06 > 0:37:10# But the feeling's overwhelming
0:37:10 > 0:37:14# It's much too strong
0:37:14 > 0:37:22# Can I lay by your side
0:37:22 > 0:37:32# Next to you, you... #
0:37:32 > 0:37:35- Hello.- Hello.- Is it OK for me to come in and say hello?- Yeah.- OK.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41- How's it going?- It's fine.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Is she OK?
0:37:43 > 0:37:44She's OK.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49How are you feeling? Dorothy, how is this for you?
0:37:49 > 0:37:53It's so great, because I'm able to see what I'm doing clearly.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Dorothy used to have to walk across the yard in the dark with her
0:37:56 > 0:37:59phone torch on, and then come in here, then people would arrive
0:37:59 > 0:38:02and then in the dark, she'd bring them to a tiny room.
0:38:02 > 0:38:07And then she'd have no equipment, and she'd basically do
0:38:07 > 0:38:10all of this care and then deliver a baby in the dark with her
0:38:10 > 0:38:13phone in her mouth or with a kerosene torch, maybe one candle.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15- Enough light.- Mhm.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19Enough equipment, so mothers are free,
0:38:19 > 0:38:23cos they know they're in a safe place and in safe hands.
0:38:23 > 0:38:28I mean, you were a legend before but now you can be like a super legend because you've got light.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- Yeah. Just...- So you're tired.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33I'm not tired.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38It's not like I have to run to get water from the other buckets,
0:38:38 > 0:38:40everything is set.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42And we always keep saying thanks, thanks,
0:38:42 > 0:38:46thanks for the good work done to us. You've really saved us.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50We were almost hating our professions
0:38:50 > 0:38:53but you brought our love back to our jobs.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Now we like work.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59We love our professions.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03We love the facility. We love being in Iyolwa.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08It's fantastic. I'm really happy for you.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10- Dorothy, I'll see you later, OK? - All right.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- Thank you for letting me be in here. Thank you, Rose.- OK.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- Have a good birth. See you later. Bye.- OK.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25The thing, is the first time I came here this would have been
0:39:25 > 0:39:27impossible, because we sat in the dark with all those boxes
0:39:27 > 0:39:33and old magazines, and bat poo falling on your head and wasps,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36hornets and things and rats running over your feet.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40I keep saying it but it's really important to remind
0:39:40 > 0:39:43ourselves of what it was like when we first came here last year.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47I mean, it was only last October or something.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50You know, now it's secure, you feel safe. If an expectant mum
0:39:50 > 0:39:54pulls up now, she will not turn away because she's not scared to come in.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57She'll come in because of the lights, it's a welcoming beacon
0:39:57 > 0:40:00of hope in this tiny community and that's all down to you.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Dorothy reckons there's at least four hours to go with this
0:40:06 > 0:40:11pregnancy, so we're going to be here for the duration.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14In the meantime, enjoy this.
0:40:14 > 0:40:15ANIMAL SQUEALS
0:40:15 > 0:40:16That's a goat.
0:40:27 > 0:40:28BELL
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- Name, please.- Terry. Terry Henry.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33He's a footballer. I thought his name was Thierry?
0:40:33 > 0:40:34I thought he was French.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Well, we can't let the French in. Absolutely not.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Ah, geez, I'm a Cockerney.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Up the apples and stairs.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44I'm definitely picking up an accent.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Shut it, you slag! Get outta my pub!
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Mr Henry, you're certainly one of the stronger applicants we've seen today.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54You're a footballing legend, you're very handsome
0:40:54 > 0:40:55and you have a touch of the erm...
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Va va voom.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Gotcha! Ah - see what you did.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10- Hello!- It's a no.- To me?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- To you.- To me?- To you.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14- Ah, to you.- No, it's to you.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- No, it's to you, Barry.- It's not to me, is it?- It's not to me!
0:41:17 > 0:41:18Love it, don't you?
0:41:20 > 0:41:24Sorry, I'm a big fan of sophisticated humour.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28PHONE RINGS
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Oh, no, it's the big man!
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Hello, sir?
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Right, Fry, your time is up.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42- Who have you made a national treasure?- Nobody, sir.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Why are you stopping? Come on, carry on. Chop-chop.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49We have to let one new person in every year.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52- How many, Fry?- One, sir.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54- And at what calendar interval? - Annually, sir.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58And what happened the last time we refused to let someone in?
0:41:58 > 0:42:00You head-butted me, sir. In the knee.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04Yes, I jumped up and head-butted you in the knee.
0:42:04 > 0:42:05So do as I say!
0:42:05 > 0:42:08As I was explaining on the golf course to my producer,
0:42:08 > 0:42:09it is very, very important.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12- He's gone off on one of his stories. - Shall I put the kettle on?
0:42:12 > 0:42:15- I'll pop to the petrol station, get some milk.- Oh, no, no he's back.
0:42:15 > 0:42:21And so, Fry, the next person through that door and I don't care who
0:42:21 > 0:42:24they are, you damn well make them a national treasure!
0:42:24 > 0:42:28- B-but sir!- The next person!
0:42:28 > 0:42:29Sir.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35You can't go in there! Sir, sir!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Good god, no!
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Evening.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44HE SOBS
0:42:44 > 0:42:47LAUGHTER
0:42:47 > 0:42:50# You've got to roll with it You've got to take your time... #
0:42:53 > 0:42:57David is going to be attempting the Guinness World Record
0:42:57 > 0:42:59title for most kisses received in 30 seconds.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02The kisses must be planted firmly on his face. Yeah.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05And only one person can kiss him at a time.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07- At a time, so David, are you ready? - I'm ready.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10- OK. Kissers are you ready? - KISSERS: Ready! Yeah!
0:43:10 > 0:43:11OK. Audience are you ready?
0:43:11 > 0:43:13APPLAUSE
0:43:13 > 0:43:15The time for talking's over. I am assuming the position.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19I have to hold David's head. Over to you, Fortuna.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22Three, two, one - go!
0:43:22 > 0:43:27CHEERING
0:43:30 > 0:43:33Go, go, go! Quicker! Ten seconds!
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Quick! Quick!
0:43:35 > 0:43:40Five, four, three, two, one.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Stop!
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Oh, my god!
0:43:45 > 0:43:49Well done, team. Was it good enough?
0:43:49 > 0:43:53Let's just have a quick look here.
0:43:56 > 0:44:02This is really fantastic entertainment, isn't it, for people?
0:44:02 > 0:44:06- OK, we're actually going to find out if you set a new world record. - OK.- I'm quite excited.- Yeah.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09Well, you're going to be in the book. Anna, the result, please?
0:44:09 > 0:44:13Mr Walliams, you needed at least 50 kisses to achieve
0:44:13 > 0:44:15a Guinness World Records title.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Unfortunately, I did have to disqualify three,
0:44:19 > 0:44:21but you achieved 55!
0:44:21 > 0:44:24- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Oh, wow!
0:44:24 > 0:44:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:34 > 0:44:40- Oh!- Thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow!- All that practice.
0:44:43 > 0:44:47Last time I came to Kenya, I came to this dump site in Nairobi,
0:44:47 > 0:44:50where we met a family - a grandmother
0:44:50 > 0:44:52and her granddaughter, both called Margaret.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Young Margaret had never lived anywhere else.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58What's the best thing you've ever found?
0:44:58 > 0:45:01THEY SPEAK THEIR OWN LANGUAGE
0:45:01 > 0:45:03- Rice.- Rice?
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Rice?
0:45:05 > 0:45:07That's the best thing you've ever found?
0:45:14 > 0:45:16And you're ten.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19You're 72?
0:45:19 > 0:45:20My mother's the same age.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Your mother - 72?
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Thank you very much.
0:45:24 > 0:45:25You've got another mother.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28I'm got a second mother. You're my African mother.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30- Yes.- Great, that'll do me!
0:45:33 > 0:45:37That affected me and I know it affected many of you at home,
0:45:37 > 0:45:40but thanks to your help, their life has now changed beyond compare
0:45:40 > 0:45:42and I've come back to find out how.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Young Margaret has been away at a boarding school and I met up
0:45:48 > 0:45:52with her before heading off to find her grandmother in her new home.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55What's the best thing about going to school?
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Uh-huh. Yes.
0:45:59 > 0:46:03Your grandmother has a new house. Shall we go and see your grandma?
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Today, Margaret will see her new home for the first time.
0:46:06 > 0:46:11Their new home is amazing and even has a small shop,
0:46:11 > 0:46:12so that there's enough money to live on.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Hello! Ah! Hello!
0:46:21 > 0:46:23- Ah, look at you! - Hello, yes, I look good too.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26- You look brilliant! - Thank you very much.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29- Oh, I see!- Well, yeah.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31So what, what do you sell?
0:46:31 > 0:46:33That was credit, is that for a phone?
0:46:33 > 0:46:35Credit, yes.
0:46:35 > 0:46:36Carphone Warehouse going on.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38'The difference between where they were then
0:46:38 > 0:46:41'and where they are now is incredible.'
0:46:42 > 0:46:46This is a very, very, very important photograph.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47Mmm.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50Cos this is your last ever day on the dump site.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52I see.
0:46:55 > 0:46:59- Keep that to know it will never happen again.- OK.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03No more. I'm happy.
0:47:03 > 0:47:04Thank you very much.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06- No more.- No more.
0:47:06 > 0:47:10You two deserve a better life and a better chance.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15And, erm, I'm just so glad that we're able to help.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18'The day that I first met the Margarets on the dump site,
0:47:18 > 0:47:19'I came back here,'
0:47:19 > 0:47:22there was a lot of tears of sadness and sorrow
0:47:22 > 0:47:26and I've got to be honest, I was one of the ones who was shedding them.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29But today's different, we've come back to the same site.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31They've got a new house, they've got new hope
0:47:31 > 0:47:35and there was some tears today, but they're tears of joy.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38And they're tears of optimism.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41You've changed the sadness into joy and you changed the sorrow
0:47:41 > 0:47:43and the loss into hope.
0:47:44 > 0:47:48That's what your donations do. That's how you change lives.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53APPLAUSE
0:47:53 > 0:47:55SHOOTING
0:47:55 > 0:48:00'Bond, James Bond. The most iconic character in movie history.
0:48:00 > 0:48:05'The latest actor to take on the role is Daniel Craig,
0:48:05 > 0:48:08'but there's something about Daniel that his billions of fans
0:48:08 > 0:48:10'around the world don't know.
0:48:10 > 0:48:17'To find out what, we've come to the set of 007's latest film, Spectre.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20'It's time to go... Behind The Bond.'
0:48:26 > 0:48:30Within seconds of meeting Daniel, it was absolutely obvious why
0:48:30 > 0:48:31he had to play 007.
0:48:31 > 0:48:35He's got this incredibly powerful screen presence.
0:48:35 > 0:48:39For me, Daniel is the perfect James Bond.
0:48:39 > 0:48:44Daniel was born to play Bond. Apart from the thing...
0:48:44 > 0:48:47When he talks, Daniel sounds...
0:48:47 > 0:48:49very distinctive.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Which is a great gift for any actor.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58It's just not the voice you'd think of when you think of James Bond.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01So apparently when Casino Royale was first shown to a test audience,
0:49:01 > 0:49:05there was one significant issue and that is that and I quote here,
0:49:05 > 0:49:08"Daniel sounded like a little girl."
0:49:08 > 0:49:11- HIGH-PITCHED:- I don't sound like a little girl,
0:49:11 > 0:49:13I sound like a big manly man,
0:49:13 > 0:49:15which is what I am.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18I have some original footage here from Casino Royale,
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Daniel's first Bond film.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23This is what he actually sounded like on the day.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31- GIRL'S VOICE:- The name's Bond, James Bond.
0:49:31 > 0:49:36The Bond films are renowned for their action sequences.
0:49:36 > 0:49:41The problem is, in those moments Daniel likes to improvise.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46- Go ahead. I'm going to lose them. - Can you get into a better position?
0:49:46 > 0:49:47Negative, there's no time.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49- GIRL'S VOICE:- Oh, he bit me!
0:49:49 > 0:49:51Take the shot.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Get off me, you cow!
0:49:53 > 0:49:55I said take the shot.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57I can't, I may hit Bond.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Take the bloody shot!
0:49:59 > 0:50:03Aaaaaaargh!
0:50:06 > 0:50:10It can make the romantic scenes quite tricky as you can probably imagine.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13In Skyfall, Naomie Harris found it quite a challenge.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15KNOCK AT DOOR
0:50:23 > 0:50:25- SQUEAKY VOICE:- I didn't order anything. Not even you.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27I have got some new information.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31'What Naomie Harris has been at pains to conceal is
0:50:31 > 0:50:33'the fact that she too is over dubbed.'
0:50:33 > 0:50:36- BROAD ENGLISH ACCENT:- It were proper tough.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38I see him top off and I think,
0:50:38 > 0:50:41"Ooh, I'll have a bit of that!"
0:50:41 > 0:50:45But then he opened his gob and it put me right off any rumpy-pumpy.
0:50:45 > 0:50:48You can tell that Naomie Harris, she sounds like a trucker.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51It's not actually that unusual for an actor's voice to be dubbed.
0:50:51 > 0:50:55I mean, my voice today is provided by Paddington Bear.
0:50:56 > 0:51:01Not a lot of people realise that Daniel is not the first Bond
0:51:01 > 0:51:02we've had to revoice.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06To us, Mr Bond. We are the best.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10- AS SARAH MILLICAN:- There's a useful four-letter word,
0:51:10 > 0:51:14and you're full of it. If you're asking me, I think
0:51:14 > 0:51:17the one-liners work better in me proper voice.
0:51:17 > 0:51:22Like in that James Bond 'fillum'. The Spy What Loved Us. Ha!
0:51:22 > 0:51:27And I'm copping off with this, this reet fit lass in a rubber dinghy.
0:51:27 > 0:51:31Then, like this, this old fella's like,
0:51:31 > 0:51:34"Eee, James Bond, what do you think you're doing?"
0:51:34 > 0:51:39And I says... Now, now, now, get ready for this cos it's a funny,
0:51:39 > 0:51:40funny bit.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43I says, "I'm keeping the British end up!"
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Like.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48Ha, ha. That Roger Moore has a very silly voice.
0:51:51 > 0:51:54So who does provide Daniel Craig's voice in the Bond films?
0:51:57 > 0:52:00When they told me I thought, "Of course!"
0:52:00 > 0:52:04You only have to close your eyes and, well, you can hear it's him.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08The person who provides the voice is one of the finest
0:52:08 > 0:52:10actors of his generation.
0:52:10 > 0:52:14The word versatile doesn't come close...
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Very versatile.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20Yeah, that's much better.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22Probably should have just said that.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24This is a world exclusive.
0:52:24 > 0:52:28We are going to finally reveal the true voice of James Bond.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35The name's Bond, James Bond.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40Licensed to kill.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44What's that, love? Still too butch?
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Leave it with me, Toots.
0:52:51 > 0:52:56If they don't let me use my real voice in the next film.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59I'll scream and scream and scream until I'm sick!
0:53:01 > 0:53:03Enjoy the movie.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05Right, I'm off to do some colouring in.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10Back in Uganda, Gonza's set his sights on his next big role.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13The name is Bond, James Bond.
0:53:15 > 0:53:192015 has been extraordinary.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22Earlier this year Ebola was claiming thousands of lives
0:53:22 > 0:53:25and leaving thousands of orphans in its wake.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Because of your generosity, we were able to support the most
0:53:28 > 0:53:31vulnerable people where they needed us most.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34Your cash paid for food, for quarantined people, as well as
0:53:34 > 0:53:38supporting Medecins Sans Frontieres to do their crucial life-saving work.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41And the great news is, it looks like the affected
0:53:41 > 0:53:43countries are emerging from the epidemic.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46Then the earthquake in Nepal, which killed over 9,000 people
0:53:46 > 0:53:48and injured many more.
0:53:48 > 0:53:53Your cash paid for emergency support and is still helping with recovery.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55Comic Relief have been supporting refugees for many years,
0:53:55 > 0:53:58both here in the UK and overseas.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01But this year saw a refugee crisis that reached a shocking level,
0:54:01 > 0:54:03in the Middle East, Europe and other parts of the world.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06You will be helping to make sure water, sanitation,
0:54:06 > 0:54:09education and care is provided for some of the most vulnerable,
0:54:09 > 0:54:12traumatised families who have fled violence and abuse.
0:54:12 > 0:54:16As usual, your money has been crucial in helping people
0:54:16 > 0:54:19all across Africa - whether that's educating some of the most
0:54:19 > 0:54:22marginalised children, supporting those living with HIV,
0:54:22 > 0:54:25providing teacher training, getting young people employment or
0:54:25 > 0:54:28helping farmers get a fair price for their produce.
0:54:28 > 0:54:32You are, quite simply, amazing. We salute you. Be proud.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35You've saved and changed so many lives this year. Thank you.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42Overnight, Rose gave birth to a healthy little girl in the new
0:54:42 > 0:54:46clinic, but my trip wouldn't be complete without popping over
0:54:46 > 0:54:49to say hello to two other special little chaps.
0:54:49 > 0:54:52Twins were born when I was last here nine months ago.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54- Hi.- I haven't seen you for months!
0:54:54 > 0:54:56- Where's Lenny and Henry? - Yeah, it's Lenny.
0:54:56 > 0:54:58This is Henry!
0:54:58 > 0:55:02- Henry's the serious one. - Yeah, that's Henry.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05Did you not tell him I was coming? Lenny and Henry!
0:55:05 > 0:55:08This is the funniest thing!
0:55:09 > 0:55:11- Aw.- Smile a bit.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13- Smile a bit!- Smile.
0:55:15 > 0:55:17SHE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
0:55:17 > 0:55:20- They're handsome boys.- Yes.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22Just like their godfather.
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Exactly like their godfather.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31I'll be sad to leave Uganda, but it's been incredible seeing
0:55:31 > 0:55:34the transformation of the clinic and its staff.
0:55:34 > 0:55:35Just over a year ago, light switches
0:55:35 > 0:55:38and running water seemed like an unrealistic dream.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41As patients shared the derelict clinic with bats,
0:55:41 > 0:55:44rats and rain water.
0:55:44 > 0:55:47And here we are nine months later, and look at it.
0:55:47 > 0:55:52Iyolwa Health Centre served 13,000 patients in that time,
0:55:52 > 0:55:54500 babies have been birthed here
0:55:54 > 0:55:58and 600 children have been immunised and the staff are motivated.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01We've just been in a computer class, they're having computer lessons,
0:56:01 > 0:56:04they're learning how to use Word and playing Candy Crush, I imagine.
0:56:04 > 0:56:07They're learning how to make the system work better.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Francis is all over. Francis is a changed man. He's a changed man!
0:56:11 > 0:56:13He was frustrated but he's changed.
0:56:13 > 0:56:17Dorothy is so happy to have the right facilities, she can
0:56:17 > 0:56:20actually look after these mums, she's got doplers, she got forceps,
0:56:20 > 0:56:23she's got a bed, she's got the light with the Star Trek thing in it.
0:56:23 > 0:56:24It's an amazing change.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27It's an amazing transformation and it's all in a very short space
0:56:27 > 0:56:31of time and it's all because of you - all the hard work you've done.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33You should be really, really chuffed,
0:56:33 > 0:56:37cos I am... I'm really proud and you should be proud too.
0:56:37 > 0:56:38Thank you so much.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42Thank you to everyone whose given over the years.
0:56:42 > 0:56:46To the red nose wearers, the multiple texters, the mile
0:56:46 > 0:56:49runners, the bakers, the selfie makers, the baked bean bathers,
0:56:49 > 0:56:53the project workers, the writers, the comedians, the programme makers,
0:56:53 > 0:56:57the kissers, the record breakers, the streakers, the naked milers, the
0:56:57 > 0:57:02stonkers, the strictly come dancers, the car washers, the fancy dressers,
0:57:02 > 0:57:06the swimmers, the cyclists, the rowers, the sponsored silencers, the
0:57:06 > 0:57:10wig wearers, the pub quizzers, the non-uniformers, the jumble salers,
0:57:10 > 0:57:14the custard pie-ers, the backward walkers, the walk to workers,
0:57:14 > 0:57:18the inside-out clothes wearers, the treadmillers, the face painters,
0:57:18 > 0:57:22the sponsored waxers, the gungers, the sweepstakers,
0:57:22 > 0:57:25the three-legged racers, the world changers.
0:57:25 > 0:57:26To all of you, thanks a billion!
0:57:26 > 0:57:28Thank you.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31Thank you! I thank you!
0:57:31 > 0:57:34Woooo! Wooo! Thank you!
0:57:34 > 0:57:37Waaa!
0:57:37 > 0:57:40So that was Red Nose Day 2015, but hey,
0:57:40 > 0:57:44coming up in 2016, we've got Sport Relief.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47This lot are getting ready and you can too!
0:57:47 > 0:57:51# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
0:57:51 > 0:57:55# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this? #
0:57:55 > 0:57:59Walk run, swim or cycle yourself proud at Sport Relief Games
0:57:59 > 0:58:01events across the UK.
0:58:01 > 0:58:05Sign up now at bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.
0:58:05 > 0:58:09# Are you re-e-e-e-eady for this?
0:58:10 > 0:58:12# Are you ready for this?
0:58:12 > 0:58:14# Are you ready? Are you ready?
0:58:14 > 0:58:16# Are you ready for this? Let's go!
0:58:16 > 0:58:20# Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for this?
0:58:20 > 0:58:23# Wo oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh-oh
0:58:23 > 0:58:26# Wo oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh-oh # Let's go, let's go
0:58:26 > 0:58:29# Are you re-e-e-e-eady for this? #