Red Nose Day

:00:22. > :00:25.Welcome to another grey day in London town. Don't worry, it's Red

:00:26. > :00:34.Nose Day. # It's time to bring

:00:35. > :00:37.the goofballs out # We're here to persuade

:00:38. > :00:42.you not to go out on the lash # Chill out,

:00:43. > :00:46.relax and give some cash # And rounded up the talent

:00:47. > :00:53.who had sod all else to do # So we jumped into our cars

:00:54. > :00:57.and now we're here at the O2 MUSIC CHANGES TO

:00:58. > :01:38."GANGNAM STYLE" BY PSY # You won't believe

:01:39. > :01:40.that we all showed up # To fill your cup

:01:41. > :01:44.with Red Nose glee Ladies and gentlemen,

:01:45. > :02:52.this is Red Nose Day 2017. Please welcome Jonathan Ross

:02:53. > :03:06.and Sir Lenny Henry. Welcome to the only show

:03:07. > :03:26.in the world that needs a government health warning ? yes,

:03:27. > :03:29.we are live, yes, we are dangerous and yes, if rehearsals

:03:30. > :03:31.are anything to go by, we are going to get

:03:32. > :03:35.in trouble with the BBC! But what the heck ? it'll be worth

:03:36. > :03:38.the ban if we can raise Are you with me?

:03:39. > :03:45.As for that opening, how annoyed would you be

:03:46. > :03:48.when you heard the traffic report? "There are severe tailbacks

:03:49. > :03:50.at Junction 11 on the M4, owing to a spillage of annoyingly

:03:51. > :03:52.upbeat musical theatre graduates We're live from Building Six

:03:53. > :03:57.at the O2 ? yes, we've not even been we've been kicked out

:03:58. > :04:02.of buildings one to five. Now, Lenny, I don't think anyone

:04:03. > :04:07.will disagree with me when I say that you are the Daddy

:04:08. > :04:11.of Red Nose Day, which, I suppose by default,

:04:12. > :04:13.makes me the Mummy of And technically, that means this lot

:04:14. > :04:24.must be our Comic Relief offspring. Ladies and gentlemen,

:04:25. > :04:26.meet the kids, starting with... And we give you an actor,

:04:27. > :04:42.a presenter, a writer and director. You can't put this guy in a box,

:04:43. > :04:45.because it's considered "cruel". Do you want to explain to everyone

:04:46. > :04:55.why you're holding a towel, I was told tonight that

:04:56. > :05:00.I'd be hosting my very own portion of Red Nose Day,

:05:01. > :05:03.which I was told would be And from one impressive package

:05:04. > :05:49.to another, here's a look Coming up:

:05:50. > :05:53.Take That and James Corden on Carpool Karaoke. Find out what

:05:54. > :06:03.happened in the return of Love actually. Jeremy Kyle faces his

:06:04. > :06:12.toughest guest, Jeremy Kyle. Shut up! Ed Sheeran gets the treatment.

:06:13. > :06:17.Come on, I said a little bit of the guitar. Stop getting carried away.

:06:18. > :06:21.Stars join Graham Norton on his biggest ever so far. Russell Brand

:06:22. > :06:25.will bring you the best stand-up comedy. And Noel Fielding and

:06:26. > :06:31.Jonathan Ross guide you through Comic Relief's most fantastic beats.

:06:32. > :06:41.All this and more on tonight's Comic Relief.

:06:42. > :06:51.Vic and Bob, French and Saunders, Joel Dommett. Rag'n'Bone Man. Global

:06:52. > :06:54.megastar, the one and only Ed Sheeran.

:06:55. > :07:02.You went from "global megastar, Ed" to "and Miranda Hart"?

:07:03. > :07:09.Sorry - first lady of comedy and queen of all our hearts.

:07:10. > :07:16.Right, Comic Relief hosts, studio audience, audience at home,

:07:17. > :07:30.Tonight, I intend to serve as your, what I call, "roaming host".

:07:31. > :07:36.I wish to make sure you're all fed, watered, relaxed, comfy, energized.

:07:37. > :07:47.Now, come with me as I roam hither, and thank goodness I did

:07:48. > :07:51.hither roam, for look, it's the Richard Osman!

:07:52. > :08:00.Tall, pointless Richard Osman, what's going on here, please?

:08:01. > :08:02.Tonight, Miranda, in honour of Comic Relief's long

:08:03. > :08:04.history with baked goods, I'll be running

:08:05. > :08:09.It's an online poll to find out once and for all,

:08:10. > :08:25.Voting will continue throughout the night. Exciting times.

:08:26. > :08:28.Until then, have a nibble on me, by which I mean take a custard

:08:29. > :08:41.I meant one custard cream, not the plate.

:08:42. > :08:54.There might be somebody else -- summit else who wants something off

:08:55. > :09:13.my trolley. Do you want something from the

:09:14. > :09:15.trolley? No. They look awful. Try one.

:09:16. > :09:17.Now, let me ask you, with the utmost love,

:09:18. > :09:23.Well, all evening, I'm going to be putting in a shift and working

:09:24. > :09:25.at the local pizza joint for the whole evening.

:09:26. > :09:28.And get this, I'll be sharing the experience with the tour de

:09:29. > :09:33.He's firing up the ovens, God help us.

:09:34. > :09:46.Get back here soon. Look at all these people! We are going under.

:09:47. > :09:48.Get back here. Get back! We'll see how you're

:09:49. > :09:49.getting on later. In three minutes, it's James Corden

:09:50. > :09:52.in Carpool Karaoke, but first, time to remind ourselves

:09:53. > :09:56.what tonight is all about - making miracles happen

:09:57. > :10:08.with a bit of cash. He is suffering with

:10:09. > :10:16.severe malnutrition. # Could you take care

:10:17. > :10:29.his life is in danger. He's got chubby cheeks,

:10:30. > :10:39.and every chance of a And that's thanks to you,

:10:40. > :10:44.the money you raised to help These are packed full

:10:45. > :10:49.of nutrients and are amazing for malnourished

:10:50. > :10:51.children like Divine. They're very often the difference

:10:52. > :10:55.between life and death. Really - that's the truth of it -

:10:56. > :11:28.donations tonight can really be the difference

:11:29. > :11:30.between life and death. And your money is needed now more

:11:31. > :11:33.than ever, because of course sadly over the last few weeks,

:11:34. > :11:35.we've been getting some dreadful news from East Africa,

:11:36. > :11:45.where famine is spreading. And this has been a sad we get home.

:11:46. > :11:54.We send love and thoughts to those affected by events in Westminster on

:11:55. > :11:58.Tuesday. Tonight is an opportunity to save lives. Your generosity, year

:11:59. > :12:01.after year, proves how much more there is that unites us than divides

:12:02. > :12:06.us. Every donation is a good deed. It's our first amazing

:12:07. > :12:10.Comic Relief Special of the night - with James Corden and

:12:11. > :12:14.special guests Take That! I thought we were going to drive

:12:15. > :12:20.around, have some fun. I don't care if he's sleep,

:12:21. > :12:23.go and wake him up! Take That, Carpool Karaoke

:12:24. > :12:51.for Comic Relief. # I don't know

:12:52. > :12:56.what you're waiting for # Your time is coming,

:12:57. > :13:00.don't be late, hey, hey # So, come on, see the light

:13:01. > :13:04.on your face # Let it shine,

:13:05. > :13:10.just let it shi-i-ine. This is the first time I've spent

:13:11. > :13:42.any real time with you as a three. I figured out that if I leave,

:13:43. > :13:53.I think Gary and Mark If you leave, Howard,

:13:54. > :13:58.it's Robson and Jerome. to be here now in this

:13:59. > :14:10.car is unreal for me. # Today this could be

:14:11. > :14:17.the greatest day of our lives... # And the world comes alive, oh, oh,

:14:18. > :14:37.oh # Watch the world come alive

:14:38. > :14:50.tonight How has touring changed now compared

:14:51. > :15:16.to what it was like in the '90s? I don't know what it's

:15:17. > :15:21.like for you guys, but sometimes, You've got families,

:15:22. > :15:28.you've got a home life. We're meeting people

:15:29. > :15:30.before you go on. Sometimes, I can't wait to get

:15:31. > :15:33.on there for a bit of peace. Because it's two

:15:34. > :15:35.hours when no one... It's two hours where I put my ears

:15:36. > :15:38.in and it's just me, my brothers and the audience,

:15:39. > :15:43.and it's brilliant. I almost don't want to come off,

:15:44. > :15:46.because I know I'm going back They're the same people,

:15:47. > :15:55.but they're all older. So where they used to throw

:15:56. > :15:57.bras and underwear, now, Well, it used to be teddies

:15:58. > :16:03.we used to get thrown. Do you have a creche,

:16:04. > :16:07.a Take That creche? That would be a real

:16:08. > :16:09.moneyspinner, I think. Everything Changes

:16:10. > :16:21.During The Menopause. # As I looked away,

:16:22. > :16:59.I saw a face behind you. # And when I looked again,

:17:00. > :17:11.I saw his face was shining. I thought of a quiz

:17:12. > :17:33.that you could play. So you pick one and leave

:17:34. > :17:41.one, which of the two? When was the last time

:17:42. > :17:51.you had a full English? The problem with me is,

:17:52. > :18:00.if I start eating food like that, I keep this photo of you, Howard,

:18:01. > :18:13.in the car at all times. I keep it in the car

:18:14. > :18:17.at all times, just for me. LAUGHTER

:18:18. > :18:22.Just for me! I'd have lights on, though,

:18:23. > :18:32.with that body, wouldn't you? With that body, my lights

:18:33. > :18:37.would be on all the time. # As hot as the sun,

:18:38. > :19:18.as hard as a stone. Howard's dreads, or

:19:19. > :19:39.Gary's bleached hair? I stayed at his mansion,

:19:40. > :19:47.And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put

:19:48. > :20:01.# Never forget where you're coming from.

:20:02. > :20:13.# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream.

:20:14. > :20:54.Well done lads, fantastic, it was great, wasn't it?

:20:55. > :20:57.Stay tuned for part two, where we'll find out if James can

:20:58. > :20:59.help the boys to finally crack America.

:21:00. > :21:01.Tonight, we're committed to changing lives right here in the UK, so

:21:02. > :21:13.here's a film about an amazing little girl called Becca.

:21:14. > :21:24.This is Becca, and her good friend, Izzy. They are both nine years old

:21:25. > :21:31.and about to start their day. Good morning. Here's your codeine and cup

:21:32. > :21:34.of tea. Thank you. They lived in the same neighbourhood and are in the

:21:35. > :21:42.same class at school, but they lead two very different lives, because

:21:43. > :21:51.Becca is a young carer who looks after her mum. My mum has a lot of

:21:52. > :21:58.pain and she doesn't really want to move when it's hurting. Becca's mum

:21:59. > :22:02.condition means she can't do the things most mothers can and some

:22:03. > :22:09.days she is physically unable to look after herself, so Becca has to

:22:10. > :22:13.step in. You're welcome. Have a good swimmer.

:22:14. > :22:19.It's hard sometimes because you've got more responsibilities than other

:22:20. > :22:23.kids. It's been a long day for Becca and she has to do it all again in

:22:24. > :22:28.the morning. But just around the corner there is an amazing project

:22:29. > :22:35.funded by Comic Relief that's making a big difference. It gives children

:22:36. > :22:41.like Becca a break from their huge responsibility at home and a chance

:22:42. > :22:45.to have fun with other young carers. Shouldering the responsibility of

:22:46. > :22:49.looking after someone you love can be hard for anyone, but for a child

:22:50. > :22:57.it can be too much to bear. Sometimes I can't help my mum

:22:58. > :23:03.because she's very hurting. I calm her down if she's upset.

:23:04. > :23:07.Young carers, just like Becca, desperately need a bit of support.

:23:08. > :23:21.You can help them tonight. Please call...

:23:22. > :23:27.And tonight, you can actually help and support them,

:23:28. > :24:01.100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief. You must be 16 or over

:24:02. > :24:07.please asked the Bill Pryor's permission. For more information, go

:24:08. > :24:14.to the website. And that website is also where you can donate online.

:24:15. > :24:21.And let's talk about Gift Aid, if you make a donation there is an

:24:22. > :24:25.extra 25% on top at no extra cost to you. So when you are asked, please

:24:26. > :24:33.say yes because this is a night when every penny makes a huge difference.

:24:34. > :24:42.Now time to check in with the kitchen nightmare and Joe Lycett.

:24:43. > :24:48.Hello, welcome back to Pizza Express! Pizza Express, if you're

:24:49. > :24:53.not familiar... Look, actual customers here. It sort of like

:24:54. > :25:00.Pizza Hut but the customers here have jobs. These actual people are

:25:01. > :25:04.here to give money for Comic Relief. I'm the maitre d' and these people

:25:05. > :25:08.are eating and dining. This is Sue, hello. Sue is going to give me ?5

:25:09. > :25:14.for a selfie, that's what she thinks I'm worth. He is a ?5. Do you want

:25:15. > :25:19.to take the selfie? And, I'm not doing this on my own, I

:25:20. > :25:29.have two friends to help me. In the kitchen I have head chef Micky

:25:30. > :25:32.Flanagan is here and on deserts Valerie from Blake. What's going on

:25:33. > :25:43.here? I've been making my source all day long. It would be wrong of you

:25:44. > :25:54.not to. Am I going to lick the sauce off your fingers? Is it good? Please

:25:55. > :26:01.donate to Comic Relief. Whatever got tonight? A Cockney special. What the

:26:02. > :26:10.neck? Elk and eels. What is an elk? Basically a big winkle. I'll have a

:26:11. > :26:20.few to go, please. They are on the demise, the elk. Val from Bake Off

:26:21. > :26:24.is here. You are an amazing chef and every time you are on television

:26:25. > :26:28.people say I look like you. Do you think is right, Micky, do you think

:26:29. > :26:33.we look similar? I think she is much better looking to be honest! People

:26:34. > :26:38.also say I look like Theresa May, based on these pictures. I'm not

:26:39. > :26:44.sure that's fair, really! Do I look like Theresa May? Love it! What are

:26:45. > :26:53.you making? I'm making a Friday Outrageous. What's in that? That was

:26:54. > :27:00.impressive. Brownie, millionaire shortcake and then ice cream on top.

:27:01. > :27:08.And it will look like this. I love it. With a red nose on top! We also

:27:09. > :27:12.have a VIP area over here. This VIP area will have some very important

:27:13. > :27:16.people in it, some celebrity guests. They are not here yet but it will be

:27:17. > :27:21.very good. It's all to raise money out here. Out here... Look at me,

:27:22. > :27:25.I'm here. In this bucket we will put all the donations in and try to get

:27:26. > :27:31.as much money from these people in this restaurant. So it's all going

:27:32. > :27:34.to go in there and we will do a count at the end of the evening. I'm

:27:35. > :27:40.not eating bread so I am going to have some sushi. CHEERING AND

:27:41. > :27:42.APPLAUSE Nice, thanks.

:27:43. > :27:45.Over the years, all you fabulous schools have raised quite

:27:46. > :27:47.a phenomenal amount for Red Nose Day, and 2017

:27:48. > :28:00.This year you guys are on track to raise ?5.5 million!

:28:01. > :28:04.Tonight, we'd like to say an extra special thank you to one school

:28:05. > :28:06.in particular who've gone above and beyond.

:28:07. > :28:08.I give you the students of St Nicholas Grammar

:28:09. > :28:24.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really good.

:28:25. > :28:29.Fantastic. What's your name? Misha. What have you been doing to raise

:28:30. > :28:40.money for Comic Relief? Basically I baked loads of red nose and Day

:28:41. > :28:45.cakes and sold them at school. ?205. Brilliant, thank you. What's your

:28:46. > :28:50.name and how have you been fundraising quest might I am Jamie

:28:51. > :28:53.and I sat in a bath of baked beans in the middle of the school. People

:28:54. > :29:03.supported me for how many hours I lasted. How long did you last? Five

:29:04. > :29:09.minutes. Six hours. Amazing. Easy. How much did you raise? ?373. Lame.

:29:10. > :29:14.Hello there. Are you excited to be

:29:15. > :29:28.here on Red Nose Day These are just randoms

:29:29. > :29:32.who smell like baked beans. That's because they've all been

:29:33. > :29:35.doing their bit for charity. They'd said I'd meet famous

:29:36. > :29:51.people if I came here. Comic Relief

:29:52. > :30:09.isn't about getting on the telly That's handy, cos there

:30:10. > :30:12.ain't no-one famous here. Listen, I'm sure you think you're

:30:13. > :30:26.really funny, but everyone's here because they care about others

:30:27. > :30:28.less well off and want to do their little bit

:30:29. > :30:30.to make a difference. You have contributed zero,

:30:31. > :30:33.helped no-one, and done nothing. And what's more, the whole country

:30:34. > :30:39.has been watching you. What have you got to save yourself?

:30:40. > :30:45.-- say for yourself? Look at my face, are you looking at

:30:46. > :31:19.my face? Is any part of it bovvered? Look, face. I'm live on TV, I don't

:31:20. > :31:24.care, not bovvered. Ed Sheeran, baked beans, shave your head, I

:31:25. > :31:34.don't care, I ain't bovvered. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:31:35. > :31:37.You've been in Harry Potter, isn't it?

:31:38. > :32:00.More of the boys coming up, plus we've also got Alan Partridge,

:32:01. > :32:02.Peter Kay, Russell Brand, People Just Do Nothing,

:32:03. > :32:04.Philomena Cunk, Toast Of London, Mrs Brown, Smack The Pony,

:32:05. > :32:06.David Walliams, This Country, Frankie Boyle, Vic and Bob,

:32:07. > :32:08.French and Saunders, Planet Earth, Graham Norton,

:32:09. > :32:10.Greg Davies and part two of Carpool Karaoke.

:32:11. > :32:12.And of course, not forgetting our feature presentation ? the return

:32:13. > :32:15.of one of the world's best-loved romantic comedies.

:32:16. > :32:18.It's been 13 years in the making and I'm so excited to say,

:32:19. > :33:19.# At last # My love has come along. #

:33:20. > :33:23.We'll do some of the song, you sing one and then I sing one, OK?

:33:24. > :33:47.# Will be loving you till we're 70 # And baby my heart...#

:33:48. > :33:50.It's been just over three years since the outbreak of Ebola killed

:33:51. > :34:00.There aren't any live cases of it here now, but you still come

:34:01. > :34:02.across the after-effects of it everywhere.

:34:03. > :34:39.When was the last time you went to school?

:34:40. > :34:51.I think that's going to happen, you got a beautiful voice.

:34:52. > :34:53.The thing stopping her getting her dreams is coming you know,

:34:54. > :35:46.The last thing I always wanted this trip to be was to

:35:47. > :35:48.be the celebrity that comes over to Africa,

:35:49. > :35:53.and cries on TV and says, send your money over.

:35:54. > :35:55.I really wanted to come and like, be like

:35:56. > :35:57.everything is positive, everything is great, and then...

:35:58. > :36:00.I don't know, I was just singing with that girl,

:36:01. > :36:03.and she was all really smiling, and then she just started crying.

:36:04. > :36:22.And she just got really choked up about it.

:36:23. > :36:24.You know, I watch Comic Relief every single

:36:25. > :36:26.year, and this is always what celebrities do,

:36:27. > :36:30.and I always think, is it ready that bad?

:36:31. > :36:49.That's just one story, and she's the one girl that

:36:50. > :36:51.came up to talk to us and was smiley

:36:52. > :36:52.came up to talk to us and there's so many kids out

:36:53. > :36:55.here who we tried to speak to, but just shut off.

:36:56. > :36:58.And if she is the most smiley one, God knows what else

:36:59. > :37:00.But here's the really important thing.

:37:01. > :37:03.To get a little girl like Peaches back into school

:37:04. > :37:06.for a whole year only costs 45 quid, so please give what you can.

:37:07. > :37:08.You can really completely change lives tonight.

:37:09. > :37:12.I'm so proud of Ed going out there - and what an amazing little

:37:13. > :37:16.Please - all you need to do to change someone's life to give

:37:17. > :37:36.And now, to perform a track off his new album, which literally

:37:37. > :37:39.could be the Comic Relief anthem, it's Ed Sheeran himself

:37:40. > :37:55.While you are watching, pick up the phone and donate anything you can.

:37:56. > :37:57.# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon

:37:58. > :38:00.# But God gave me a stage, a guitar and a song

:38:01. > :38:03.# My daddy told me, "Son, don't you get involved in

:38:04. > :38:04.# Politics, religions, other people's quarrels."

:38:05. > :38:07.# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

:38:08. > :38:17.# I know when I have children they will know what it means

:38:18. > :38:18.# Just love and understanding, positivity

:38:19. > :38:21.# We could change this whole world with a piano

:38:22. > :38:23.# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:38:24. > :38:27.# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:38:28. > :38:33.# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:38:34. > :38:36.# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:38:37. > :38:40.# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:38:41. > :38:42.# Saying love could change the world in a moment

:38:43. > :38:49.# Love can change the world in a moment

:38:50. > :38:57.# Love can change the world in a moment

:38:58. > :39:00.# The revolution's coming, it's a minute away

:39:01. > :39:04.# I saw people marching in the streets today

:39:05. > :39:08.# You know we are made up of love and hate

:39:09. > :39:11.# But both of them are balanced on a razor blade

:39:12. > :39:14.# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

:39:15. > :39:17.# I know, I'm all for people following their dreams

:39:18. > :39:21.# Just re-remember life is more than fittin' in your jeans

:39:22. > :39:24.# It's love and understanding, positivity

:39:25. > :39:27.# We could change this whole world with a piano

:39:28. > :39:30.# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:39:31. > :39:33.# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:39:34. > :39:41.# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:39:42. > :39:45.# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:39:46. > :39:48.# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:39:49. > :39:50.# Saying love could change the world in a moment

:39:51. > :39:56.# Love can change the world in a moment

:39:57. > :40:05.# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:06. > :40:08.# I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene

:40:09. > :40:11.# You know, the future's in the hands of you and me

:40:12. > :40:15.# So let's all get together, we can all be free

:40:16. > :40:18.# Spread love and understanding, positivity

:40:19. > :40:21.# We could change this whole world with a piano

:40:22. > :40:24.# Add a bass, some guitar, grab a beat

:40:25. > :40:28.# I'm just a boy with a one-man show

:40:29. > :40:34.# But lord knows everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth

:40:35. > :40:37.# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios

:40:38. > :40:41.# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote

:40:42. > :40:44.# Saying love could change the world in a moment

:40:45. > :40:50.# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:51. > :40:57.# Love can change the world in a moment

:40:58. > :41:24.If you enjoyed that, you should check out some

:41:25. > :41:28.of his stuff online and maybe give it a like and who knows, one day

:41:29. > :41:32.And if you're craving more Ed Sheeran, remember,

:41:33. > :41:33.we still have his fantastic collaboration with

:41:34. > :41:53.How are you doing? He touched me. Hello. Lovely.

:41:54. > :41:55.I assume they explained the special Comic Relief

:41:56. > :41:56.rule ? silly tradition, really, don't know

:41:57. > :42:00.why it still exists - which demands that all musical acts

:42:01. > :42:16.must kiss, with passion and meaning, the tallest host.

:42:17. > :42:45.I've just remembered something, it is the tallest female host that gets

:42:46. > :42:57.the kiss, not... Richard Osman. Hello, and welcome to my special

:42:58. > :43:10.World Cup of Biscuits! 32 biscuits started this journey on

:43:11. > :43:15.Twitter. We have had 1.6 million votes already. People like biscuits.

:43:16. > :43:19.We now have our eight favourite and we will reveal the quarterfinals for

:43:20. > :43:24.you. It must be a privilege for you to be doing this. Rummage, watch how

:43:25. > :43:29.he does it because he is a professional. Reveal our first

:43:30. > :43:39.quarterfinal. Here goes. Jammie Dodgers. That is a big biscuit to

:43:40. > :43:45.start with. You are not having it. They promise a lot but they deliver

:43:46. > :43:54.very little. If you don't mind are not eating them for a fingers. That

:43:55. > :44:00.is my son's favourite biscuit. Take them home with you. That is our

:44:01. > :44:12.first quarterfinal. Our second quarterfinal. We have custard

:44:13. > :44:19.creams. Is there anything you are going to have, Lenny? We will wait

:44:20. > :44:27.and see but I am not having that. And custard creams will play

:44:28. > :44:34.chocolate bauble and biscuits. -- chocolate bauble is.

:44:35. > :44:40.I am sorry, I was kissing Ed Sheeran. We have done Jammie Dodgers

:44:41. > :44:51.against chocolate fingers and custard creams against chocolate

:44:52. > :45:02.bourbons. Chocolate hobnobs. And they are playing? A plane hobnobs. I

:45:03. > :45:13.would not want to be Mrs hobnob right now. Lenny, finally, we have

:45:14. > :45:17.chocolate digestive, classic. And who are they going to be playing?

:45:18. > :45:28.The chocolate digestive plays against the Jaffa cake. Wooded you

:45:29. > :45:33.do with my biscuit? I will cut you a nice slice of Jaffa cake. All of

:45:34. > :45:40.those quarterfinals are now live on Twitter. Forgive me, I know you are

:45:41. > :45:43.doing this at home as well. You can vote all evening in the semifinals

:45:44. > :45:49.and the final, revealing the winner later in the evening. Now, thank you

:45:50. > :45:51.to our friends at British Airways with Alexander Armstrong, a poor

:45:52. > :46:01.woman's Bradley Walsh. Since 2010 British Airways customers

:46:02. > :46:04.and staff have done a lot to improve the lives of vulnerable people in

:46:05. > :46:10.Africa and here in the UK. Today I am here to say a massive thank you

:46:11. > :46:17.and to give a little something back. You go and have a little break.

:46:18. > :46:26.Excuse me? Yes sir, how can I help. This is an emergency. An emergency,

:46:27. > :46:32.don't say you've been left home alone. He looks a little bit like...

:46:33. > :46:38.That my friend is London and today is Red Nose Day. Have you remembered

:46:39. > :46:46.your red nose? Did you forget to bring it? I think I've got a spare.

:46:47. > :46:59.Sorry. Would you like another one? I'll be fine.

:47:00. > :47:03.Don't know what his problem was... Anyway, about that massive BA thank

:47:04. > :47:16.you. Thank you! Thank you to all the staff

:47:17. > :47:24.and customers at British Airways I can reveal that this year,

:47:25. > :47:39.you've raised an incredible... Now it's time for a little

:47:40. > :47:46.treat from Radio 1's Just last week, they raised over

:47:47. > :47:55.?300,000 for Red Nose Day with their 24 Hour LOLathon

:47:56. > :47:58.and they're with us here tonight with the one

:47:59. > :48:03.and only Innuendo Bingo. Some people like an innuendo,

:48:04. > :48:08.some people don't. I like them. I like them as well but

:48:09. > :48:14.I find it hard to laugh when Scott Mills is ramming it

:48:15. > :48:20.down my throat. Hello, I'm Scott Mills

:48:21. > :48:26.and this is Innuendo Bingo. Getting wet for Comic Relief tonight

:48:27. > :48:32.is bingo veteran Chris Stark, who will tonight be going up

:48:33. > :48:52.against stand-up comedian and king DRAMATIC MUSIC this is Innuendo

:48:53. > :48:57.Bingo. Welcome to this first edition of

:48:58. > :49:05.Innuendo Bingo. Are you OK? I'm very excited. I love getting wet and I

:49:06. > :49:11.love innuendos. You get wet fast. If you are at home have not seen this

:49:12. > :49:17.before, this is what Chris and Joel are in for tonight.

:49:18. > :49:26.A lot of water. I was going to show your video but let's just get down

:49:27. > :49:29.to it. Who loves Innuendo Bingo? Let's do this!

:49:30. > :49:31.Here are the rules: You fill your mouths with water,

:49:32. > :49:35.I play you a clip spotted by one of our Radio 1 listeners and we'll

:49:36. > :49:50.For Comic Relief. First, five live. This is Phil Tufnell, who is listing

:49:51. > :50:02.cricket players and some of his favourite things. Rashid or Ali, I

:50:03. > :50:07.think Rashid, a bit of X Factor. And Broad, top-quality bowler, lot of

:50:08. > :50:22.quality and skill. I like Plunkett and... Nothing funnier than will it!

:50:23. > :50:27.Next it is time for Masterchef van der Wiel diesel of cooking, Greg

:50:28. > :50:31.Wallace. Greg is a great presenter but sometimes during the show his

:50:32. > :50:35.mind seems to wonder a little bit. I like the delicate look of your

:50:36. > :50:39.plate, I really do. I like your chlorate and love the taste of the

:50:40. > :50:43.morel mushrooms and love the natural saltiness... It's just missing

:50:44. > :50:50.possibly the most important part and that is the sauce that brings

:50:51. > :50:57.everything together. I'm desperate to dip that pork. LAUGHTER

:50:58. > :51:07.Greg Wallace, everybody. Oh wow, Masterchef.

:51:08. > :51:11.I'm desperate to dip that pork into something nice.

:51:12. > :51:19.OK, this has escalated rather quickly. More water please, lads.

:51:20. > :51:23.How much water? Now BBC breakfast and weather

:51:24. > :51:30.presenter, the lovely... What happened there? It went up my nose!

:51:31. > :51:35.Carol Kirkwood, we all love Carol Kirkwood but it seems here Carol is

:51:36. > :51:41.taking desperate measures to boost her media profile. What a great

:51:42. > :51:45.vantage point you've got there, Carol Have you had a chance to wave

:51:46. > :51:50.to people over the balcony question I've had my photo taken down below

:51:51. > :51:56.and treated. I've even had my photograph taken

:51:57. > :52:07.down below untreated. The lovely Carol Kirkwood. Joel

:52:08. > :52:13.Dommett! I'm a serious comedian! We have one more. Let's go for it,

:52:14. > :52:17.this is the last one. We are going over to history today on Radio 4 and

:52:18. > :52:28.they are having a fascinating feature about what people did for

:52:29. > :52:34.fun... I'm going to immediately regret that decision! Sorry.

:52:35. > :52:40.Here we go, Radio 4... This is what people did before the Internet came

:52:41. > :52:47.along. Where somebody tethers de Kock to

:52:48. > :52:53.the ground and people getting a baton and they throw a baton at the

:52:54. > :53:06.clock and stun it so it can't get up... Guys... There's more, more.

:53:07. > :53:16.That's not the end of the clip. It's a charity, Scott come on, let's go.

:53:17. > :53:24.I love water. And then you run up and try to get

:53:25. > :53:32.the Cockrell into your own hands... That's it, thank you very much, I

:53:33. > :53:35.hope you all enjoyed the game. Have a good evening. I'm Scott Mills.

:53:36. > :53:39.Thank you to Joel Dommett and Chris Stark. This has been Innuendo Bingo

:53:40. > :53:42.for Comic Relief! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:53:43. > :53:56.I need another T-shirt! Your money has been hard at work

:53:57. > :54:01.across the UK. It finds people whose lives are really hard and tries to

:54:02. > :54:06.help. You've provided comfort to families experiencing grief. Zara's

:54:07. > :54:11.husband Lee took his own life after a struggle with depression. I felt

:54:12. > :54:18.like I'd been crushed. The shop, it takes the breath out of you. When

:54:19. > :54:22.the charity got involved it was like, there's still hope. There are

:54:23. > :54:27.people here to help. You've given relief to people in

:54:28. > :54:32.pain. Cass started self harming when she was 11. It got to the point

:54:33. > :54:36.where I was nearly suicidal. I got to the point where I was like

:54:37. > :54:40.I need help now. I don't know if I'd Still be here without the wish

:54:41. > :54:43.Centre. You ensure young carers get a break

:54:44. > :54:50.from their responsibilities. Becca has been carer should she was five.

:54:51. > :54:58.Sometimes I can't help my mum because she's very hurting. I calm

:54:59. > :55:01.her down if she's upset. A project you fund means she can

:55:02. > :55:10.meet other young carers and have some time for herself. And give

:55:11. > :55:13.young people bright futures. David was on the streets as a young

:55:14. > :55:18.teenager. You know when you don't understand your emotions, it boils

:55:19. > :55:22.up? Now I feel I have a chance to really turn my life around.

:55:23. > :55:27.You've helped older people feel less alone, Derek who sadly let lost his

:55:28. > :55:33.wife to dementia last year. I felt absolutely empty. Now starts

:55:34. > :55:39.the lonely as part of my life. I was very pleased to find a place like

:55:40. > :55:43.the luncheon club and get over this fear of loneliness.

:55:44. > :55:48.You cash has reached over 12 million people in need across the UK,

:55:49. > :55:53.dealing with all sorts of tough things from depression to domestic

:55:54. > :55:57.violence, from young carers to older people. In the UK wherever you are

:55:58. > :56:00.you are likely to be within 20 miles of the nearest Comic Relief project.

:56:01. > :56:04.This is your opportunity to help people in your community, people who

:56:05. > :56:09.need your help right now. Your money can and will change lives. To

:56:10. > :56:17.give... I used to think about Comic Relief

:56:18. > :56:22.as mainly focusing on Africa, Your cash tonight will help hundreds

:56:23. > :56:29.of thousands of people leading really tough lives all over the UK -

:56:30. > :56:32.in fact, wherever you are, it's likely you're never

:56:33. > :56:34.more than 20 miles away Or you can give with

:56:35. > :57:06.a simple text message. You can also donate by cheque made

:57:07. > :57:10.payable to Red Nose Day 2017. And you can take your money to any bank,

:57:11. > :57:18.building society or post office. You have the power to change your life.

:57:19. > :57:20.Forget about Facebook, forget about tweeting how good-looking Warwick

:57:21. > :57:23.Davis is an Comic Relief. Donate right now.

:57:24. > :57:25.All right, coming up in just a bit, we've got Alan Partridge,

:57:26. > :57:32.But time now to go back to sunny Los Angeles for more Carpool Karaoke

:57:33. > :57:35.with four people who have supported Comic Relief for years and years,

:57:36. > :57:40.It's a shame James Corden doesn't drive a Delorean,

:57:41. > :57:43.they could go back in time and do it with Robbie like the old days.

:57:44. > :58:10.# Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.

:58:11. > :58:20.# In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free.

:58:21. > :58:27.# Can't you find a little room inside for me?

:58:28. > :58:31.# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

:58:32. > :58:39.# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good.

:58:40. > :58:43.# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

:58:44. > :58:53.# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good...

:58:54. > :58:56.Now, you guys have never tried to make it here,

:58:57. > :58:58.but was there ever a point where you thought about

:58:59. > :59:08.We had this hilarious meeting in London.

:59:09. > :59:13.These two guys from the New York record company flew in,

:59:14. > :59:16.and they literally spent an hour telling us, "We're going to do this,

:59:17. > :59:22.We'll go to Vegas and do this radio thing and then we'll hit them

:59:23. > :59:26.with marketing in New York and do all these chat shows..."

:59:27. > :59:31.And what do you think, after an hour, full on?

:59:32. > :59:33.The silence went down the line until it got to Howard.

:59:34. > :59:52.I think you've just got to get the word out.

:59:53. > :00:04.Will you listen to the music, and play it for friends?

:00:05. > :00:10.Tweet it, Instagram it, do the whole thing, OK?

:00:11. > :00:15.Your wives will love it, your kids will love it.

:00:16. > :00:25.What are you going to tell people, sir?

:00:26. > :00:36.Excuse me, gents, are you music fans?

:00:37. > :01:02.I feel like we've got the word out there.

:01:03. > :01:26.Are there any customers in there that are interested in new music?

:01:27. > :01:33.This is our first big store performance, OK?

:01:34. > :01:36.This is going back to the days of Woolworths and Our Price.

:01:37. > :01:40.This is the stuff that breaks people.

:01:41. > :01:42.Ladies and gentlemen, it's Take That!

:01:43. > :01:50.Ladies and gentlemen, for their first performance

:01:51. > :02:13.as TT3 in Los Angeles, please welcome Take That!

:02:14. > :02:19.# When the time grew near for me to show my love.

:02:20. > :02:27.# Hiding from a word I need to hear now.

:02:28. > :02:36.# But the nights were always warm with you.

:02:37. > :02:45.# But the morning always comes too soon.

:02:46. > :03:00.# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday...

:03:01. > :03:07.Ladies and gentlemen, that was Take That!

:03:08. > :03:09.Tell your friends, tell your friends!

:03:10. > :03:12.Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

:03:13. > :03:16.Tell you what, guys, it's small steps, but we're making inroads.

:03:17. > :03:20.Is there anything like us out here, James?

:03:21. > :03:34.Wow, I think you'll all agree there's nothing quite

:03:35. > :04:01.Just driving along in my car in La La Land. Not the film, that would be

:04:02. > :04:06.silly. I have no interest in jazz piano. I'm famous these days and

:04:07. > :04:10.glamorous but I still get lonely when I'm driving along in America.

:04:11. > :04:19.No, not yet, I haven't got that bit yet. I'm still driving. It would be

:04:20. > :04:31.very dangerous to... I wish I had a celebrity friend. All right, get in.

:04:32. > :04:38.Oh, God! It's very dangerous. And you are? Tonight, Matthew, I'm...

:04:39. > :04:49.Are you going anywhere near Port Talbot? You are Welsh? Yes. Are you

:04:50. > :04:55.Aled Jones? I'm Bonnie Tyler. Are you going to do the accent? You are

:04:56. > :05:03.doing very well for yourself, aren't you? Well, I have got a foot in

:05:04. > :05:10.America and a foot in England, and the world in between. I'm straddling

:05:11. > :05:17.the Atlantic at the moment, which is quite painful in these tight jeans.

:05:18. > :05:21.What are we doing? So, Bonnie Taylor, if you be she, let me tell

:05:22. > :05:27.you how this is going to work. I'm going to put on some music so that

:05:28. > :05:35.we can have some music in the car. If it's a song you know, singalong.

:05:36. > :05:38.# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

:05:39. > :05:44.# Turnaround # Every now and then I get a little

:05:45. > :05:48.bit tired of listening to the sound # Every now and then I get a little

:05:49. > :05:54.bit nervous # Turnaround

:05:55. > :05:58.# Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the

:05:59. > :06:08.look in your eyes # Turnaround, bright eyes

:06:09. > :06:18.# Every now and then I fall apart # And I need you now to might

:06:19. > :06:26.# And I need you more than ever # If you'd only hold me tight, we'll

:06:27. > :06:30.be holding on forever # And will only be making it right

:06:31. > :06:40.# Because we'll never be wrong # Together we can take it to the end

:06:41. > :06:48.of the line # Always in the dark

:06:49. > :06:57.# I really need you tonight # For other's going to start tonight

:06:58. > :07:02.# Once upon a time I was falling in love

:07:03. > :07:11.# Now I'm always falling apart # There's nothing I can do

:07:12. > :07:20.# Total eclipse of the heart. # Get out. Thank you. Goodbye. What

:07:21. > :07:36.was that about. You can't do that. Lovely singing from French and

:07:37. > :07:42.Saunders. We are in Pizza Express and we are doing bread nosed a. We

:07:43. > :07:52.are in Pizza Express, and there are actual customers here, eating actual

:07:53. > :07:58.food, prepared by these guys. We are on top of it now. I have to ask,

:07:59. > :08:05.what has happened to your top? It is getting hot. If you can't stand the

:08:06. > :08:13.heat, make a crop top. It suits you. In the next link, will you be naked?

:08:14. > :08:22.Hopefully. Avoid the sausage. You seem panicked. It is too much for

:08:23. > :08:28.me. We have a VIP. You are joking! Not at all. It is only Pat Sharp.

:08:29. > :08:35.Actual Pat Sharp is here. Thank you for joining us in our VIP area.

:08:36. > :08:43.There are no VIPs. We asked Chico but he demanded a high fee. True

:08:44. > :08:47.story. Micky would like you to have a pizza for free, but there is a

:08:48. > :08:53.challenge. Micky will explain, in his lovely crop top. It is such a

:08:54. > :08:59.horrible image. You liar, you love it. The challenge is, if you drop

:09:00. > :09:06.it, you have to make a donation and eat it. If you catch it, we will

:09:07. > :09:18.make a donation. 20p. It is like a farmhouse game. One, two, three. He

:09:19. > :09:21.caught it. Pat Sharp! If you have donated, thank you. There is a video

:09:22. > :09:26.to thank you from some lovely people.

:09:27. > :09:32.I am at BT, where people man the phones, take donations and use

:09:33. > :09:36.technical prowess to make sure the hundreds of thousands of phone calls

:09:37. > :09:38.keep rolling in, not to mention all of the fundraising activities staff

:09:39. > :09:44.get involved with our pants down the country. Loving your work, guys. I

:09:45. > :09:53.have come here today to get hands-on with the team. This lot have got it

:09:54. > :09:59.all covered. They never miss a call, you know. Speaking of which...

:10:00. > :10:07.Hello, Comic Relief. How much would you like to donate? Hello. How much

:10:08. > :10:12.would you like to donate? Speak up. How much would you liked to donate.

:10:13. > :10:19.It must be you. Can you check the volume on your equipment. It is not

:10:20. > :10:27.a piece of equipment. I'm sorry. How much would you like to donate to

:10:28. > :10:29.Comic Relief? Nailed it. Just the thank you to go. That will come in

:10:30. > :10:36.handy. So a massive thank you to

:10:37. > :10:45.all of the staff at BT and to all of the volunteers tonight

:10:46. > :10:47.taking your calls. Do keep calling, because it

:10:48. > :10:49.changes people's lives. Your generosity year after year

:10:50. > :10:52.has been so amazing - and so this year, we sent two people

:10:53. > :10:56.who had given money to have a look at the kind of place

:10:57. > :10:58.the money could go. This is such an interesting film

:10:59. > :11:01.about a mother and daughter from Bradford and a remarkable

:11:02. > :11:02.grandmother and granddaughter This rubbish dump is where all

:11:03. > :11:14.of Nairobi's waste ends up. But as well as normal

:11:15. > :11:20.household rubbish, it's full of awful fumes,

:11:21. > :11:21.and chemical fires. And in and amongst all of that,

:11:22. > :11:25.there are families trying to earn It's here that we met Irene

:11:26. > :11:29.and her granddaughter, I've never seen anything

:11:30. > :11:45.like this, like, it is... It's a lot worse than

:11:46. > :11:49.I imagined it being like. You have to collect

:11:50. > :11:59.lots and lots of these? You know, she should be at home

:12:00. > :12:16.and her age, and taking it I couldn't imagine my

:12:17. > :12:27.mum having to do this. Before it got too dark, we had

:12:28. > :12:31.to leave this place because at So, we headed back to their house

:12:32. > :12:37.to spend the night. How many people altogether

:12:38. > :12:41.sleep in this bed? We soon found out that this

:12:42. > :12:48.was the first meal they'd And she's never going to know

:12:49. > :12:55.when she's going to I suppose that's

:12:56. > :13:02.what you've got to do. # Heads,

:13:03. > :13:11.shoulders, knees and toes, # And eyes and ears

:13:12. > :13:18.and mouth and nose... The next day we were up

:13:19. > :13:20.early to face another Who is going to look after the boys

:13:21. > :13:40.while you are down there? It's heartbreaking to think

:13:41. > :13:42.they are going to be And then, you'd be

:13:43. > :13:48.worrying about if they're going to wander off,

:13:49. > :13:49.if anybody is going to

:13:50. > :13:51.come and take them... As a parent, you keep your kids

:13:52. > :13:54.are safe as you can. It must be so hard for her,

:13:55. > :14:02.I don't know how she does it. Would you like to go

:14:03. > :14:04.to school instead of It'll be great if we

:14:05. > :15:10.could help her together. It costs just ?50 to get a girl

:15:11. > :15:16.like Lynette into school. don't put it off -

:15:17. > :15:22.don't make a cup of tea. If you've got any cash

:15:23. > :15:25.to spare, all you need to do Next up, she's responsible

:15:26. > :15:47.for the biggest comedy phenomenon of the millennium and Mrs Brown has

:15:48. > :15:50.put time aside to share a special We hope you're having a very special

:15:51. > :16:00.night over there in Red Nose land. It's all change over

:16:01. > :16:02.here in the house. We've a brand-new show, not

:16:03. > :16:05.something we thought we'd ever see, but there are many things in life

:16:06. > :16:08.that you don't often get to see, like grandad making it

:16:09. > :16:10.through another night. Or Winnie remembering

:16:11. > :16:12.what she came in for. But tonight, we'd like to share

:16:13. > :16:14.with you an exclusive cheeky,

:16:15. > :16:16.sneaky peeky clip from the pilot of our brand-new Saturday

:16:17. > :16:21.night extravaganza show. I don't know why they call it

:16:22. > :16:23.a pilot, there's certainly no Would you put "To Winnie,

:16:24. > :17:18.have a wonderful night". "It would be a pleasure

:17:19. > :17:20.to perform for you". "And when you call, talk slowly

:17:21. > :17:32.with a husky voice". Don't put your name

:17:33. > :17:37.on it, doesn't matter. That's where you get your

:17:38. > :17:47.good manners from, son. When you meet a lady,

:17:48. > :17:52.you say hello and give her a kiss. Before you go and sing your song,

:17:53. > :18:11.would you sing one of my favourites? It's by Tony Bennett,

:18:12. > :18:14.it's called Fly Me To The Moon. Would you mind me

:18:15. > :18:16.giving me a few bars? Ladies and gentlemen,

:18:17. > :18:22.Aston Merriweather rubber glove. # Let me see what spring

:18:23. > :18:59.is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you did, the best

:19:00. > :19:11.thing you can do tonight is to show your support by donating

:19:12. > :19:17.online at bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. Or pick up the phone

:19:18. > :19:22.and call 03457 910 910. And with a bit of luck,

:19:23. > :19:27.we can help change lives, OK, still to come,

:19:28. > :19:52.we have more from the genius-es-es that are French

:19:53. > :19:56.and Saunders, a visit from Toast

:19:57. > :19:57.of London and, of course, we have the highly anticipated

:19:58. > :20:02.Love Actually reunion. Love Actually was of

:20:03. > :20:08.course the story of this hilarious woman who falls

:20:09. > :20:11.madly in love with Mr Darcy and keeps a diary

:20:12. > :20:13.of all her escapades and has all these hilarious

:20:14. > :20:14.friends and she? That granny pants

:20:15. > :21:06.scene is brilliant. Some things that happen for the

:21:07. > :21:24.first time... # Seem to be happening again and so

:21:25. > :21:30.it seems that we have met before # And laughed before and loved

:21:31. > :21:39.before # But who knows where #.

:21:40. > :21:41.You see what I'm saying? Can't wait to see those

:21:42. > :21:43.iconic scenes from Of course I am. Do you know what I'm

:21:44. > :21:51.talking about? Of course I do. Now, it's Mother's Day on Sunday,

:21:52. > :22:09.so what better gift for Mum And you're having a great time?

:22:10. > :22:10.Great, yes. What's best bet? Travelling you in the car here.

:22:11. > :22:12.Rubbish. We're meeting loads of exciting

:22:13. > :22:21.people, like this guy. Hello, hello mate. See, having all

:22:22. > :22:29.sorts of banter? The good news is mum is going to be with me all

:22:30. > :22:32.night! OK, not like that. I thought you were sending me home early to

:22:33. > :22:35.watch that programme. You are supposed to read the joke of there!

:22:36. > :22:38.Eulas poster say Nope, you're giving me

:22:39. > :22:42.a lift home, remember? Plus, later on, we'll

:22:43. > :22:54.be playing Your Mum. oh, that's it? My programme is gone?

:22:55. > :22:57.You are not sticking to the autocue! So glad I got you on.

:22:58. > :22:59.You wouldn't understand, it's a young person thing.

:23:00. > :23:03.OK, Mum, time now for a really special treat from Norfolk's, sorry,

:23:04. > :23:05.North Norfolk's greatest export and broadcast legend.

:23:06. > :23:35.Absolutely! LAUGHTER Absolutely! LAUGHTER

:23:36. > :23:38.Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been

:23:39. > :23:44.happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years. From this

:23:45. > :23:49.occasion when a hotly tipped young boxer thought he could have a dig at

:23:50. > :23:53.me. I waited until he looked the other way and, bang! And this

:23:54. > :23:58.occasion when I did what I can only describe was a bread sneeze.

:23:59. > :24:02.I'm so sorry! But this year the team at Comic

:24:03. > :24:06.Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said Alan, we

:24:07. > :24:11.have a great idea, you in a hot air balloon shaped like a red nose,

:24:12. > :24:14.floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard on George

:24:15. > :24:19.Galloway. I said, I've got a better idea, I'll do a package of clips

:24:20. > :24:24.with a voice over. So join me as we enjoy some classic

:24:25. > :24:34.fund-raising moments in Alan Partridge's red nose strong cup --

:24:35. > :24:38.stonkers. This man is having his legs waxed, eight procedure

:24:39. > :24:43.traditionally associated with a woman. Come on, that's funny,

:24:44. > :24:49.surely? I only waxed myself smooth completely once in a school trip to

:24:50. > :24:54.Anglesey because a man told me to. Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day

:24:55. > :24:57.stonkers. Hang on, Giants playing guitars?

:24:58. > :25:06.Hang on, these are miniature guitars known as the ukeleles. This being

:25:07. > :25:10.the North of England where their diets tend to contain slightly less

:25:11. > :25:14.protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make up the

:25:15. > :25:21.comic angle, there's a red wig and a woman dressed as a car park

:25:22. > :25:27.attendant! There, really funny. Alan Partridge's stonkers.

:25:28. > :25:31.What the heck is going on? This is called gunging. Noel Edmonds has

:25:32. > :25:35.made a career from it although he keeps the recipe close to his chest,

:25:36. > :25:42.along with some of his tax arrangements.

:25:43. > :25:46.This is wonderful, beans in a bath. A real Comic Relief staple. A word

:25:47. > :25:51.of warning to anyone considering this, you will come out with a rash

:25:52. > :25:56.if you stay in them too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans, it will

:25:57. > :26:09.stay on your skin to look what are very friend funny said to look like

:26:10. > :26:12.a woman's tan. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the

:26:13. > :26:19.beans have had a bath with a young man but I am sure that the young

:26:20. > :26:23.woman they'd pay extra! Chris Christoph isn't here, no

:26:24. > :26:33.relation... And he's off! Up, up, up. Of course, the inflatable slack

:26:34. > :26:39.in the ball was made with a pig's blatter but now they've been

:26:40. > :26:44.replaced with Robert -- robber inner tubes. Not that anyone eats them,

:26:45. > :26:50.not even the Chinese! We should send a view to Eamonn Holmes, fried up, a

:26:51. > :27:00.bit of ketchup. What are we missing quest me, me, me. Right foot... Put

:27:01. > :27:05.him off! Brilliant, classic. And with that it's back to the comedian.

:27:06. > :27:08.Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:09. > :27:10.Alan Partridge there, a great broadcaster still in his prime.

:27:11. > :27:13.Now, here's a little film from someone who has been

:27:14. > :27:15.with Comic Relief from the very start, the greatest

:27:16. > :27:22.stand-up comedian of our - or really any - generation.

:27:23. > :27:25.Hello, Billy Connelly here asking for your cash.

:27:26. > :27:31.I've got cancer and Parkinson's, and I definitely need a

:27:32. > :27:40.We've got people all over the UK older than me who

:27:41. > :27:43.are really living tough lives, and I'd love you to help them.

:27:44. > :27:49.One evening, she turned round and she looked at me

:27:50. > :27:57.And the bottom dropped out of my world then.

:27:58. > :28:03.This is Jo, she was diagnosed with dementia at just 57 years old.

:28:04. > :28:04.It was a devastating discovery for her and her

:28:05. > :28:16.And she said, unfortunately you've got early-onset

:28:17. > :28:21.And this is Margaret, struggling to cope with

:28:22. > :28:25.the loss of her husband, the love of her life.

:28:26. > :28:30.Where do you go when your soul mate, partner, lover, has gone?

:28:31. > :28:37.And you, you amazing people out there.

:28:38. > :28:41.Young, old, and somewhere in between.

:28:42. > :28:44.Your cash helps people like this, grand people who life has

:28:45. > :28:47.And I'd ask you tonight to do it again, or

:28:48. > :28:50.Although if it's the first time watching Red Nose

:28:51. > :28:52.Day, you probably don't even know me!

:28:53. > :28:56.I'm the hilarious comedian with a weird

:28:57. > :29:01.beard, who once took off all my clothes for Comic Relief.

:29:02. > :29:08.What matters is you, tonight, at home, and this

:29:09. > :29:09.amazing power to completely change someone's life.

:29:10. > :29:18.I really hope you'll find it in your hearts to give

:29:19. > :29:24.It'll be simple and marvellous and you'll be so proud of yourselves.

:29:25. > :29:27.You can be part of a life-saving miracle tonight, if you can just

:29:28. > :29:45.I can't deny I find that pretty moving.

:29:46. > :29:47.He's been doing stuff with Comic Relief for half his life.

:29:48. > :29:49.The things he did were always so great.

:29:50. > :29:52.You can't get Billy to say what you want him to.

:29:53. > :29:55.He'll say what he wants and always pitch perfect.

:29:56. > :30:09.The vast continent? full of promise and

:30:10. > :30:16.The client's pretty strict, and has told us that after

:30:17. > :30:18.you say the word Africa, he'd like you to come in

:30:19. > :30:21.with "the vast continent" exactly a 50th of a

:30:22. > :30:30.Yeah, the timing is crucial on this, Steven.

:30:31. > :30:50.I've heard of Tony Curtis and Ian Kirke is of Joy Division.

:30:51. > :30:53.If he's trying to sell Africa, tell him he's made it sound pretty

:30:54. > :31:02.That was a 16th of a second too long.

:31:03. > :31:14.Len Fandango, I'm Clem Fandango's half brother.

:31:15. > :31:26.The feeling here, Steven, is that everyone thinks

:31:27. > :31:49.The client has specifically asked if you'd mind wearing the red nose

:31:50. > :32:06.Nope, sorry, Steven, we've got to get it exactly right.

:32:07. > :32:11.It's not that difficult, it's just a question of timing.

:32:12. > :32:13.Well, if you're such an expert, why don't you

:32:14. > :32:20.Africa, a vast continent, full of promise and

:32:21. > :32:32.That was exactly one 15th of a second.

:32:33. > :32:34.That was no different to how I did it.

:32:35. > :32:38.One more time, Steven, then we'll call it a night, eh?

:32:39. > :32:46.Sorry, Steven, too slow, it's just not happening.

:32:47. > :32:49.I think we'll just go with Len, he can obviously nail

:32:50. > :32:52.Yeah, thanks, Steven, I'll lay it down tomorrow.

:32:53. > :33:01.Sorry, Steven, it's Comic Relief, no one gets a taxi.

:33:02. > :33:09.You'll have to get the tube, I'm afraid.

:33:10. > :33:21.And leave the nose. What? What the hell are you laughing at?

:33:22. > :33:38.Let's keep the ball rolling - specifically, tiny chocolate balls ?

:33:39. > :33:48.as we say a big thank you to the good people at Maltesers.

:33:49. > :33:55.Hello. I am here with the hard-working Maltesers team, where

:33:56. > :33:59.they are having a sale to raise money for Comic Relief, and I hear

:34:00. > :34:05.there is a prize for the best cake, so I am getting involved. As part of

:34:06. > :34:09.the baked a million campaign, people have been baking beautiful cakes.

:34:10. > :34:17.For every photo posted online Maltesers are donating ?5. This is

:34:18. > :34:24.my entry. Where will I put it? Our guest judge has been expecting you.

:34:25. > :34:31.Brilliant. This way, please. Oh, my giddy aunt, Jack Nicholson. I have a

:34:32. > :34:37.greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Clearly a very busy

:34:38. > :34:43.man. Try this. Come on, Jack Nicholson, tell me the truth. You

:34:44. > :34:49.can't handle the truth! Come on. It wasn't that bad. This bit is nice. I

:34:50. > :34:58.would rather you said thank you and went on your way. Passive

:34:59. > :35:07.aggressive! Well? First prize, don't ask any questions. All that remains

:35:08. > :35:13.to be said is a great egg thank you! -- a great league thank you.

:35:14. > :35:17.After all their help this campaign, it's with great pleasure that I can

:35:18. > :35:31.reveal that they have raised the very sweet total of...

:35:32. > :35:38.Now is as good a time as any to take that money,

:35:39. > :35:40.add it to everything else we've raised so far and

:35:41. > :35:42.announce our first total of the night.

:35:43. > :35:45.Warwick and Rob, how much are we looking at so far?

:35:46. > :35:48.Now, as this is the first big total of the night,

:35:49. > :35:51.we wanted to display it on something truly massive.

:35:52. > :35:53.We searched all over the O2 and let me tell you,

:35:54. > :35:57.So tonight, I can proudly announce that the total raised

:35:58. > :36:16.That means children in school and more vaccines in the world's

:36:17. > :36:18.poorest communities, and more care for young carers,

:36:19. > :36:20.for older people all over the UK,

:36:21. > :36:21.for people dealing with mental health issues.

:36:22. > :36:24.It's a big number that's going to help a huge number of people.

:36:25. > :36:27.Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far.

:36:28. > :36:41.And thank you, Rob, for your help with that one.

:36:42. > :36:46.My face is hurting. What are you saying?

:36:47. > :36:49.Time now for a quick update from the World Cup of Biscuits.

:36:50. > :36:51.Hello, there, everyone, welcome back to my World

:36:52. > :37:03.We are about to find out who the semifinalists are. The first

:37:04. > :37:10.quarterfinal was the jammy dodger against chocolate fingers. This was

:37:11. > :37:13.a 51-49 split, super close. And the first semifinalist is chocolate

:37:14. > :37:20.fingers. Congratulations to the chocolate fingers. I am pleased

:37:21. > :37:25.about that. I hate jammy Dodgers. Second semifinal, this was 55 and

:37:26. > :37:33.50. But just in the lead, custard cream is our second semifinalist.

:37:34. > :37:38.Happier with that? Custard cream versus chocolate fingers is our

:37:39. > :37:44.first semifinal. The second quarterfinal, 55-45 to the chocolate

:37:45. > :37:50.hobnob. I am pleased with that. Good voting so far. Chocolate digestives

:37:51. > :37:58.or Jaffa cakes? Jaffa cakes are a biscuit. The winner is, 51-49,

:37:59. > :38:03.chocolate digestive. Those are your semifinals. If you go on Twitter now

:38:04. > :38:07.you can vote right now on that. Thank you, Miranda. And now a film

:38:08. > :38:11.about malaria. The progress here has been amazing

:38:12. > :38:14.in the last 10 years - hundreds of thousands less children

:38:15. > :38:16.dying each year. But we'd love not to stop till it's

:38:17. > :38:23.wiped out completely. With your help, the number

:38:24. > :38:26.of children dying from malaria each But malaria is still one

:38:27. > :38:32.of the biggest killers Even though it is

:38:33. > :38:41.preventable, and treatable. This is the children's ward in one

:38:42. > :38:47.of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most of the children

:38:48. > :38:53.here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so consuming there

:38:54. > :39:02.aren't enough beds to go around. She laughs, she cries, and,

:39:03. > :39:10.like many children of her age, Her mother, Mary,

:39:11. > :39:18.is desperately poor. There aren't any malaria testing

:39:19. > :39:21.kits in her village. So she's had no choice

:39:22. > :39:24.but to walk for three hours, carrying her daughter

:39:25. > :39:29.to the nearest hospital. All the time, her little girl's

:39:30. > :39:32.blood was being destroyed Doctor Columbo is doing

:39:33. > :39:55.everything he can to save her. If only Mtunduwatha had been

:39:56. > :40:15.diagnosed even a day earlier, she might not now be fighting

:40:16. > :40:43.for her life. ?30 you'd give would pay for 100

:40:44. > :41:32.children to be diagnosed. That was the voice of

:41:33. > :41:48.David Tennant there. and I remember an appeal he did

:41:49. > :41:51.a few years ago and him being in this malaria hospital

:41:52. > :41:53.and saying "Don't be the person who says I'll call tomorrow -

:41:54. > :41:57.don't be the person who puts it off and then realises a week later

:41:58. > :42:00.they never actually gave any cash". Please, right now -

:42:01. > :42:03.if you can - to save a life, Right, time to go back, way back,

:42:04. > :42:42.all the way back to the '80s, Here I am again, massively

:42:43. > :42:48.successful, friends with everyone, especially huge stars. Who would

:42:49. > :42:55.have thought it. Bond, from Gavin and Stacey, taking over the whole

:42:56. > :43:01.world. But I still need, remarkably, celebrity friends to help me get...

:43:02. > :43:08.I'm not ready yet. I haven't talked about myself enough. Wait a minute.

:43:09. > :43:23.Just get in. You can't stop on this road. It's very dangerous.

:43:24. > :43:42.I'm not a white woman. American, my way to Motown. Gladys. Gladys Knight

:43:43. > :43:48.and the pips. I have not got the pips with me. Not the singing pips.

:43:49. > :44:01.Those particular pips are six inches lower than last year.

:44:02. > :44:10.I'm going to put on some music and randomly, one of your songs might

:44:11. > :44:20.come up. If it does... Not one that you just look good singing. Will you

:44:21. > :44:26.join me if it comes on? Oh, I know this one. Come on, everybody.

:44:27. > :44:40.# (Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)

:44:41. > :44:49.# So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh

:44:50. > :45:08.# The world he left behind not so long ago

:45:09. > :45:20.# (Leaving on the midnight train), yeah

:45:21. > :45:42.# To a simpler place and time, oh, yes, he is

:45:43. > :45:49.Facts it get out, I've had enough of you, had enough of you. Make your

:45:50. > :45:56.mind up. How do you get away with it?

:45:57. > :46:00.Still to come, find out if romance is still blossoming in Love

:46:01. > :46:06.actually. They're raising money for Red Nose Day. They say he's going to

:46:07. > :46:10.be one of the biggest urban artists in the world.

:46:11. > :46:20.And something very special coming from the roof of the O2.

:46:21. > :46:27.Tonight, I've got a really special announcement to make., Fergie and

:46:28. > :46:33.GSK have come together and forged a partnership. GSK have said they will

:46:34. > :46:38.give ?3 million to fight malaria on the front line. So we can carry on

:46:39. > :46:44.helping communities like this one here in Tanzania. So thank you so

:46:45. > :46:51.much to GSK, and let's make malaria history.

:46:52. > :46:58.And even more incredible is that statistic.

:46:59. > :47:01.Malaria deaths in children under five have fallen by 71% since 2000.

:47:02. > :47:04.And you have had a big part to play in that, so thank you.

:47:05. > :47:08.And thank you to GSK, who haven't forgotten

:47:09. > :47:11.there are still thousands of young children who desperately need our

:47:12. > :47:15.Time for a much needed dose of hard-hitting journalism now.

:47:16. > :47:16.Jeremy Paxman has nothing on these two.

:47:17. > :47:25.I give you Donald and Davey Stott, The Stotts!

:47:26. > :47:51.Welcome, we ask the questions. Who is our guests? Let's see who their

:47:52. > :47:57.guest is tonight who will be interviewing this evening. It's the

:47:58. > :48:06.correspondent, Susanna Reid. Susanna Reid!

:48:07. > :48:14.Ladies and gentlemen, we know you all like a little exposure to cheer

:48:15. > :48:22.you right up. Check this out, Susanna! One, two, three, go!

:48:23. > :48:31.We've got use boiled onions, Susanna. Lovely. We boiled some milk

:48:32. > :48:37.and Lemsip and butter. And a gift for you, Susanna, the gift that

:48:38. > :48:45.keeps on giving, the greatest gift of all, jeans.

:48:46. > :48:54.I'm very grateful, thank you, they're lovely. Good lass.

:48:55. > :49:01.So Susanna, we ask the questions on the first question is this, you're

:49:02. > :49:08.at home having a nice relaxing time after a hard day of newsreading.

:49:09. > :49:12.Suddenly realise you are out of bog roll. You go to your blog and find a

:49:13. > :49:19.?10 note, do you use that or just slip off one of your socks and use

:49:20. > :49:24.that? Do I have to use either? It's that or your finger. You can use

:49:25. > :49:30.your sock? I will now know to use my sock, if

:49:31. > :49:49.I'm ever in that situation. OK. Susanna, you turn up at broadcasting

:49:50. > :49:56.centre, you turn up and your pants back to front, has ever happened? I

:49:57. > :50:05.have turned up with my frock on the wrong way. The next section is

:50:06. > :50:17.cinema section. Susanna, have you seen Kong? Noone no. It's out now,

:50:18. > :50:23.have you seen it? It's very heavy, with a twist in the middle. At the

:50:24. > :50:29.beginning there a couple of little... I don't know what to call

:50:30. > :50:33.them... It's quite hairy at the beginning. You could miss them quite

:50:34. > :50:42.easily. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now! Enough

:50:43. > :50:46.about my crown jewels! Do you ever go to the pictures? Do you ever go?

:50:47. > :50:52.I'm just trying to keep my eyeliner above here. Very well done.

:50:53. > :50:58.When you are laid in bed with your husband Piers Morgan and he gets up,

:50:59. > :51:05.does he leave a residue, an oily substance on the bottom sheet that

:51:06. > :51:09.you can harvest and use to lubricate your tractor or lawn mower, for

:51:10. > :51:13.example? Well, I didn't hear all of the question because I stopped

:51:14. > :51:20.listening when you said laying in bed with my husband Piers Morgan. We

:51:21. > :51:23.are not married. You got divorced? We are TV husband-and-wife. We share

:51:24. > :51:26.a so far. Susanna, have you ever eaten brown

:51:27. > :51:35.bread? I like a roll. Sophisticated lady.

:51:36. > :51:43.Susanna, I have a last question for you. I'd like you to have a look at

:51:44. > :51:50.this. We have a soft creature in it. Put your hand in and touch the soft

:51:51. > :51:59.creature. Do I have to? Is it going to hurt? No. Just have a touch. Can

:52:00. > :52:11.I look first? Hazard no. I don't know what it is. Have a good touch.

:52:12. > :52:21.No! Ladies and gentlemen, Susanna Reid! Thank you very much everyone.

:52:22. > :52:28.We ask the questions! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:52:29. > :52:30.I don't know what I just saw... Graham Norton and

:52:31. > :52:31.Jonathan Ross could both learn something from their

:52:32. > :52:33.interview technique. Time now for another

:52:34. > :52:35.film from Ed Sheeran. He went to Liberia a few

:52:36. > :52:36.months ago to see first hand why your

:52:37. > :52:44.donations are so crucial. It's quite odd, because I'm

:52:45. > :52:46.on a beach, and you can hear You would assume that in hot

:52:47. > :52:52.weather, a beach would be paradise. But this is far from it,

:52:53. > :52:55.I've never felt so on edge in anywhere that I've been

:52:56. > :53:04.in my entire life. Across Africa, millions

:53:05. > :53:10.of the world's poorest children They're hidden away in any

:53:11. > :53:15.crevice they can find. This is obviously where

:53:16. > :53:18.they sleep every night. You do see them in the day

:53:19. > :53:41.and they're kids, running around Then, you come here on the beach,

:53:42. > :53:47.and there's loads of adults smoking and just these two tiny little thing

:53:48. > :53:50.sleeping in a boat around all of that, in the middle

:53:51. > :53:53.of Liberia's worst slum. How long have you been

:53:54. > :54:07.living on the streets? What do you want to be

:54:08. > :54:25.when you're older? What would you do if

:54:26. > :54:47.you were the President? If JD goes to school now,

:54:48. > :54:55.he will learn, he will succeed. But a couple more years

:54:56. > :54:58.like this, I think that's it. He's already quite shut

:54:59. > :55:01.off from the world. Once were done here,

:55:02. > :55:04.we're going to pack up the camera and these guys are going to be

:55:05. > :55:06.sleeping in their canoe at night with a lot

:55:07. > :55:09.of dangerous people about. Wake up in the morning and try

:55:10. > :55:11.and fend for themselves. This is the really harsh

:55:12. > :55:14.reality for street children As you're tucking your children

:55:15. > :55:19.into bed tonight, children like JD are huddling together,

:55:20. > :55:21.sleeping outside, in danger, Ed, pretty strong stuff,

:55:22. > :55:50.and that wasn't actually No - we were just

:55:51. > :56:08.about to leave when A huge commotion started. There was

:56:09. > :56:12.a guy a lot taller than you with JD in his hand smacking him and

:56:13. > :56:16.smacking him. What? When the cameras were still rolling? Hazard I think

:56:17. > :56:24.we got a little bit afterwards. Can we see a little bit more, what

:56:25. > :56:32.happened after that? It really doesn't feel right leaving at all.

:56:33. > :56:36.The only thing we can do... My natural instinct is to put them in

:56:37. > :56:42.the car and take them and put them somewhere in the city, but them in a

:56:43. > :56:50.hotel until we get them sorted. Can we do that? Please, tonight, pay for

:56:51. > :56:55.them to stay in a house until we get them into school. It doesn't matter

:56:56. > :57:01.how much it is. We'll get them in a house... With an older person to

:57:02. > :57:09.look after them. That's the problem, they're so little. I don't think we

:57:10. > :57:15.should go until that's sorted. We'll get you somewhere to stay tonight,

:57:16. > :57:18.OK? These kids, you give them an

:57:19. > :57:23.education, you give them hope. That's the main thing. I don't think

:57:24. > :57:29.it's just a financial thing, it's someone saying, you can believe

:57:30. > :57:39.this, and fulfilling a promise. This red they knows appeals... It tugs at

:57:40. > :57:43.your heartstrings and you want to donate to help a child. I think

:57:44. > :57:46.everyone here filming agrees we can't leave this place without

:57:47. > :57:51.sorting these kids out so we are going to sort these kids out that

:57:52. > :57:55.these kids are just five in a million, 2 million, 5 million, there

:57:56. > :57:57.are so many kids in the same situation as these kids. It's

:57:58. > :58:01.really, really important donate so we can get this these kids off the

:58:02. > :58:15.street, into school and give them a future.

:58:16. > :58:27.Yes, but that's only five in a lot. I've been told not to say this on

:58:28. > :58:32.watershed but one thing we couldn't show you in the film with those boys

:58:33. > :58:36.and a lot of the street boys get raped by older kids, which is even

:58:37. > :58:40.more harrowing. Just to get the kids off the streets, and it's not even

:58:41. > :58:43.that much, it would be like a tenner to take them out and put them in a

:58:44. > :58:49.good school. Thank you so much for that and that film. Please everyone,

:58:50. > :58:51.you can do exactly that. Save a kid from leaving a brutal life. You can

:58:52. > :58:56.call... Or text YES to 70210

:58:57. > :58:58.ten to give ?10. The busiest man in the world -

:58:59. > :59:08.but maybe nothing more In just a moment we'll be

:59:09. > :59:19.going back to Micky and Joe in our calamitous Comedy Kitchen,

:59:20. > :59:24.we've got an exclusive Welcome to Your Mum: a little game

:59:25. > :59:36.that unearths a few embarrassing secrets about our hosts and more

:59:37. > :00:01.importantly, their dear mothers. We have Luisa and Helen. Romesh and

:00:02. > :00:05.his mum and cajole and penny. -- Joel and penny. We have some photos,

:00:06. > :00:11.look at that. Romesh, an original gangster even back then. Look at

:00:12. > :00:15.that face! Here's how the game works. For the sons and daughter I

:00:16. > :00:21.will read out some statements made by your mum and you have to think if

:00:22. > :00:25.it was your mum or one of the other mothers by holding up your palate.

:00:26. > :00:29.On one side it says my mum and on the other it says your mum. These

:00:30. > :00:34.are all absolutely true facts your kids do not know about. This... Are

:00:35. > :00:38.you ready. Here we go, fact number one, one of the mothers said this...

:00:39. > :00:42.I lied to my child about how much I enjoyed their school play faster by

:00:43. > :00:50.actually left at the beginning to go shopping instead. Wow. Whoever that

:00:51. > :01:00.was, you are a horrible mum. Who do you think? Your mum or one of the

:01:01. > :01:13.others? Let's find out which of the mums it actually was. Yes! Oh my

:01:14. > :01:19.God! Is it any wonder I went into comedy after that? We are all

:01:20. > :01:26.tempted to go to your gigs and walk out early but this must have been a

:01:27. > :01:29.terrible show. I'm sorry I thought my mum left. You were straight up

:01:30. > :01:35.with your response. It's the kind of thing she would do. One of the mums

:01:36. > :01:40.said this, I once caught my partner talking to another woman, to get him

:01:41. > :01:45.back I used his toothbrush to clean the entire house, sinks and toilets

:01:46. > :01:52.as well. Was that your mum or one of the other mums? No one wants to take

:01:53. > :02:08.responsibility. OK, mums, who is responsible? Ha-ha! Are you joking?

:02:09. > :02:11.That such a maternal thing to do, because you get revenge but the

:02:12. > :02:16.house is immaculate afterwards. Did you clean everything with the

:02:17. > :02:22.toothbrush, the toilet? Only the tiles. Ha-ha! OK. Don't know if you

:02:23. > :02:28.will still be talking after this one. One of the mums said, I have

:02:29. > :02:39.snogged and 80s pop star. Which one of your mums had some fun with a 80s

:02:40. > :02:50.pop star? Let's vote now. You want it to be true. I can tell you that

:02:51. > :03:03.the pop star was Meatloaf. OK, which mum was it? What! You snogged

:03:04. > :03:09.Meatloaf, really? We were very little. We were in the same primary

:03:10. > :03:18.school. So you were young, but who was it? Curt Smith from Tears for

:03:19. > :03:24.Fears. Shout, shout, take your tongue out. Now we are going to do a

:03:25. > :03:29.question that one of the children had some information and the mums

:03:30. > :03:34.don't know, this is the time for the mums to vote. Which of your kids

:03:35. > :03:42.said this? My first kiss was with someone of the same six.

:03:43. > :03:54.OK. You've think that you have and you have a gender fluid child. You

:03:55. > :04:05.are fairly convinced that yours is a heterosexual young man, not keen.

:04:06. > :04:14.Which of you was it? Boom, right in there. I hope it was beautiful. It

:04:15. > :04:23.was amazing, but then he cheated on me. Let's face it, everyone is a

:04:24. > :04:32.winner tonight, thank you. You all get to take home a Your Mum jersey.

:04:33. > :04:34.Congratulations. But all the time we've got four Your Mum, ladies and

:04:35. > :04:38.gentlemen. On Monday, Queen of the airwaves

:04:39. > :04:43.Sara Cox donned her finest day-glo lycra for a Sounds Of The '80s

:04:44. > :04:53.24-hour Danceathon. That was exhausting but she's back

:04:54. > :05:01.on her dancing feet and is with us. That is demented but an incredible

:05:02. > :05:04.achievement. It was pretty intense mentally and physically. My Radio 2

:05:05. > :05:12.listeners came through like a storm and we raised ?1.1 million. I was

:05:13. > :05:21.hoping we would do that otherwise it would have been really awkward.

:05:22. > :05:26.Everyone really marked in, everyone donated. So why on earth, what

:05:27. > :05:32.possessed you to agree to do that? I ask myself that question a lot.

:05:33. > :05:39.There was a big booming voice that would say, 23 hours left. But I saw

:05:40. > :05:45.the work that Comic Relief do in January, and basically they made me

:05:46. > :05:54.do it. They do that, don't they? It's kind of tax. Just attacks on

:05:55. > :05:58.having a lovely job -- a tax. Two years ago Dermot O'Leary danced the

:05:59. > :06:06.24-hour 's. He looked like a man in Labour to me. It was like a really

:06:07. > :06:10.long labour, friends rushing around. You've done it this time. Who are

:06:11. > :06:15.you going to nominate for two years' time? A good friend and colleague

:06:16. > :06:21.but he will hate me for this, I have just sent him a text message. He

:06:22. > :06:24.loves music. When he was on strictly Len Goodman says he dances like a

:06:25. > :06:40.stalker that's been hit by lightning and his name is Jeremy Vine. Jeremy

:06:41. > :06:45.Vine -- like a stork. Still to come. Peter Kay, more from French and

:06:46. > :06:55.Saunders. We stop the dancing now, it's finished. It was like four days

:06:56. > :07:02.ago. I knew that. I totally didn't know that. I'm going to style this

:07:03. > :07:09.out. I just feel that people, the nation at home need to see this body

:07:10. > :07:19.in this outfit with an unsupportive bra doing some 80s moves. Hit the

:07:20. > :07:24.music! Everyone at home, get up off your sofas.

:07:25. > :07:29.Here's Joel Dommett and Lisa Snowdon with a special thank you to the guys

:07:30. > :07:43.We are in TK Maxx for two special reasons. A massive thank you to

:07:44. > :07:45.everybody who has bought and sold this amazing range of Comic Relief

:07:46. > :07:51.merchandise and the superb fundraising activities. The second

:07:52. > :07:56.reason is to sort this out. I like my body warm and my arms cold. With

:07:57. > :08:00.the specially designed T-shirts, tea towels and aprons they are aiming to

:08:01. > :08:05.raise the bar even higher and to be honest it couldn't get any lower.

:08:06. > :08:11.You are so mean, what happened to you? Go and try them on. I'm really

:08:12. > :08:17.insecure, you're not helping. Who are you? Sorry, are the changing

:08:18. > :08:25.rooms this way? You have no style or sense of fashion. Why is everybody

:08:26. > :08:30.insultingly? I'm not standing for this any longer. The Oscars are

:08:31. > :08:34.stupid! Meryl Streep loves my outfit. Who are all these people? I

:08:35. > :08:43.just thought you needed a second opinion. Anyway, time to say thank

:08:44. > :08:52.you. I've got a great idea. Thank you! I can spell, ma'am!

:08:53. > :08:55.Thank you to everyone at TK Maxx and also to our good friends

:08:56. > :09:00.Warwick and I can now reveal that the total made

:09:01. > :09:25.You want to do this? It's ?4,500,388. A huge thank you to

:09:26. > :09:26.everyone for that amazing total. Still time to buy those brilliant

:09:27. > :09:29.T-shirts and do your bit. Let's see how Joe Lycett

:09:30. > :09:32.and Micky Flanagan are getting on. Remember, they're live

:09:33. > :09:34.all night, running a pizza Joe, how are your

:09:35. > :09:46.doughballs shaping up? We need 40 margaritas. 40, yes, 40.

:09:47. > :09:52.Ten Hawaiians. Maybe let's do some spicy ones. All large. Bring them to

:09:53. > :09:58.pizza express in the O2. It's not a joke. Yeah. Basically I've had

:09:59. > :10:08.Mickey Flanagan doing them and he can't cook for his life. Just look

:10:09. > :10:12.for Val. Basically what happened, Mickey hasn't made a decent pizza

:10:13. > :10:18.all night and so what we've have to do is order dominoes. There is a

:10:19. > :10:21.dominoes coming to pizza express. I don't think we are going to make a

:10:22. > :10:26.lot of money for Comic Relief right now. We have a bucket with donations

:10:27. > :10:31.people have made tonight. I dread to think how much people have put in.

:10:32. > :10:36.Nicky has really let me down here. Let's have a look. Just wanted to

:10:37. > :10:44.recreate that pose. I look nice there, don't I? Oh God. I mean, that

:10:45. > :10:50.is dreadful, isn't it? That is not good. I'm going to have a word with

:10:51. > :10:54.Mickey, where is he? What are you doing? I'm having a drink. We've got

:10:55. > :11:03.to serve customers. Look how much we've learned. That's all right,

:11:04. > :11:12.isn't it? Do you want me to put mine back, would that help? It was for

:11:13. > :11:20.the cab home. It's still not enough. I'm talking to the girls. I'm like

:11:21. > :11:29.an ornithologist, talking to the birds. I'm going to see if Pat Sharp

:11:30. > :11:41.has got anything. We've only made ?40. Nice. Very nice, Pat. Ten quid

:11:42. > :11:50.from Pat Sharp. He was on radio one back in the day. Val, how much have

:11:51. > :12:00.you made? About ?130. Val's made ?130. What have you done? I'm

:12:01. > :12:04.drinking. I don't think you've got a future in being in a restaurant, I'm

:12:05. > :12:13.going to be honest. Have you had a nice time? Very nice. Thank you so

:12:14. > :12:18.much, we will find out the final total on Graham Norton's show. We've

:12:19. > :12:22.done our best. We've made a hundred quid. Up next is a video of things

:12:23. > :12:48.going on up and down the country. Goodbye.

:12:49. > :12:55.# You'll never feel happy # Until you try

:12:56. > :12:57.# You'll never, never, never feel happy

:12:58. > :13:06.# Until you try # You'll never feel happy

:13:07. > :13:13.# Until you try # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:14. > :13:20.# Everybody needs this # Everybody needs this happy thing

:13:21. > :13:32.# You'll never feel happy # Until you try #.

:13:33. > :13:38.I've come to the children's ward at Redemption Hospital in Liberia.

:13:39. > :13:46.I had some idea of what I might experience.

:13:47. > :13:48.But nothing prepared me for seeing a child desperately ill,

:13:49. > :14:06.This is Tabitha and her father, Alexander.

:14:07. > :14:09.Tabitha's mum is seriously ill, so her father is taking

:14:10. > :14:19.It's just awful to think that this still happens.

:14:20. > :14:22.But there's a little girl who is so malnourished that her dad

:14:23. > :14:36.One in every three children in Liberia suffers from malnutrition.

:14:37. > :14:39.Put simply, they're not getting enough of the right food.

:14:40. > :14:55.To try and get her temperature down, and to just feed her body,

:14:56. > :14:57.but when we first got here, her little stomach was just

:14:58. > :15:22.How they are as composed is amazing to witness,

:15:23. > :15:29.you just sort of see incredibly skilled people saving a girl's life.

:15:30. > :15:32.If her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died?

:15:33. > :15:55.All Tabitha's father can do now is comfort his little girl.

:15:56. > :16:00.# One for the master, and one for the girl...

:16:01. > :16:09.# And one for the little boy who lives down the lane #

:16:10. > :16:11.When I left Liberia, I thought Tabitha

:16:12. > :16:20.But when I got back, we actually found out that she had died.

:16:21. > :16:21.Despite everything that happened, her dad insisted

:16:22. > :16:31.To think that in 2017, there's still children in the world

:16:32. > :16:38.And that's where you come in, if you donate money we can get

:16:39. > :16:42.emergency food to children like Tabitha and they won't die.

:16:43. > :16:53.So if you can spare some money, then please give generously tonight.

:16:54. > :17:11.These things are very complicated but also simple,

:17:12. > :17:16.in that we've seen time and time again how simple things can

:17:17. > :17:18.make a huge difference, like vaccinations and health workers

:17:19. > :17:20.helping parents do the right thing at the right time.

:17:21. > :17:22.Sometimes, Red Nose Day is the difference

:17:23. > :17:26.between life and death and you can be part of that right now

:17:27. > :17:41.We know these films are very upsetting and had to watch, but

:17:42. > :17:49.you're watching this you want to help and you can help.

:17:50. > :17:51.Texts cost your donation plus your standard network message charge.

:17:52. > :17:53.100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief.

:17:54. > :17:57.You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.

:17:58. > :17:59.For full terms and conditions and more information,

:18:00. > :18:00.please go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday, which is also where

:18:01. > :18:09.And when you call up, don't forget about Gift Aid.

:18:10. > :18:12.It's a great scheme that means if you're a UK taxpayer,

:18:13. > :18:14.Comic Relief can claim back 25 pence for every pound you give.

:18:15. > :18:17.That's an extra 25% on top ? at no extra cost to you.

:18:18. > :18:20.So when you're asked, please say yes.

:18:21. > :18:30.Now, a man who's done a lot for us over the years,

:18:31. > :18:32.he's a Comic Relief hero, and one of my personal

:18:33. > :18:44.Very excited about Peter here! That's the sort of response he

:18:45. > :18:45.deserves. Every year, he does

:18:46. > :18:49.something amazing for us - from the barn-storming

:18:50. > :18:51.Amarillo Number 1, to last Comic Relief, when he and the cast

:18:52. > :18:56.of Phoenix Nights raised over ?5 million with their live

:18:57. > :19:01.show in Manchester. Well, this year, he's come up

:19:02. > :19:05.with another very original plan which we're going to tell

:19:06. > :19:08.you about in a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, a little

:19:09. > :19:19.reminder of the glory # Is this the Way to Amarillo?

:19:20. > :19:29.# Every night I've been hugging my Pirlo

:19:30. > :19:37.# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo #. # Sit down, sit down, sit down next

:19:38. > :19:44.to me #. # Wasn't he fine? Hazard

:19:45. > :19:52.# So fine #. # I would walk 500 miles and I would

:19:53. > :19:55.walk 500 more... #. Hurry up, I want a cup of tea. Keep

:19:56. > :20:00.your hair on! This year, Peter has arranged

:20:01. > :20:06.a rather marvellous and original If you are a fan of Car Share,

:20:07. > :20:30.I think you might be about to go A man... A woman... A car... No, not

:20:31. > :20:36.that car, that car! Are back. You've got mud all over your pants, come

:20:37. > :20:46.here. I've got spit on them now. Car Share. Leave it, I'll get it off in

:20:47. > :20:51.the bog. For one night only in 250 cinema screens across written, Comic

:20:52. > :20:58.Relief proudly presents a very special night of Car Share, with a

:20:59. > :21:02.very exclusive Q and a with Peter Kay and John Gibson, where you get

:21:03. > :21:10.to ask the questions, including never before footage, outtakes, plus

:21:11. > :21:11.the very first time ever, the world premiere of two brand-new episodes

:21:12. > :21:22.of Kashi. Series two. So there you go - and tickets

:21:23. > :21:26.for Peter Kay's special Comic Relief Car Share Night

:21:27. > :21:30.go on sale... Yes, right now you can

:21:31. > :21:34.buy your exclusive tickets via bbc.co.uk/rednoseday

:21:35. > :21:37.and all the profits, pounds and pounds and pounds,

:21:38. > :21:39.from every ticket sold The screenings are next Friday 31st

:21:40. > :21:44.March, exclusive to all Vue You'll have one of the greatest

:21:45. > :21:49.nights - and Comic Relief Thank you, Peter, and thanks

:21:50. > :21:59.to everyone who goes - book now! OK, time to go back up to our

:22:00. > :22:05.biscuit base with Richard Osman, who has the results of our

:22:06. > :22:19.World Cup semi-finals. Welcome back to the semifinals of

:22:20. > :22:25.the World Cup of biscuits. You've been voting in your hundreds of

:22:26. > :22:29.thousands. Before we reveal the finalists, congratulations to all

:22:30. > :22:33.the biscuits involved. They have shown themselves in a good way, all

:22:34. > :22:40.drug tested and they are free of them. A brief worry earlier when I

:22:41. > :22:43.thought I'd been hacked because of a Russian biscuits leading the

:22:44. > :22:48.semifinal but it's fine. We will reveal the winner. What you think of

:22:49. > :22:55.this semifinalist, Joel? Hazard excellent. I really like a custard

:22:56. > :23:07.cream, I take it apart and then I beaver the middle.

:23:08. > :23:12.OK... Rob? A very chocolatey... You know what upsets me most about the

:23:13. > :23:17.fact the chocolate hobnob had to knock out its own brethren. It's

:23:18. > :23:25.like the Miliband brothers all over again. Sally, look at these. I would

:23:26. > :23:28.vote for the chocolate hobnob. I think a custard cream is boring. I

:23:29. > :23:33.know it has an interesting texture on the top, but a tiny bit dull. And

:23:34. > :23:38.they've started downsizing some other biscuits. When you get them in

:23:39. > :23:43.a ten, their repressive. Other biscuits are being made custard

:23:44. > :23:51.cream shape. This is getting a bit... Time to reveal our two

:23:52. > :23:56.finalists. It is 50-50 in the first poll but I can reveal... We will get

:23:57. > :24:02.onto that one in a second. Let's get to this one first, 51-49. In the

:24:03. > :24:07.World Cup of Biscuits, you cannot complain if you didn't vote, this is

:24:08. > :24:14.your fault. The first semifinalist is... Chocolate digestive. Chocolate

:24:15. > :24:16.digestive! Classic old school chocolate digestive. Noone they

:24:17. > :24:20.don't like the oats, do they? Noone they don't like

:24:21. > :24:29.the oats, do they? If someone can tell me if it will be

:24:30. > :24:37.the chocolate fingers... Or the custard cream? The poll is ending

:24:38. > :24:45.any second now and it is 50-50. So exciting! It is two biscuits. The

:24:46. > :24:49.winner is chocolate fingers! I am disappointed. That is the final,

:24:50. > :24:54.chocolate digestive against chocolate finger. There are the

:24:55. > :25:01.details on screen. Please vote responsibly. Now you have the Red

:25:02. > :25:03.Nose Day Love actually premiere coming up but first, time to go back

:25:04. > :25:18.to our karaoke Queen 's. Here I am again, Obama. You won't

:25:19. > :25:24.know who this one is, it's unfathomable. Will you just wait

:25:25. > :25:32.till I've stopped the car? Stop now. OK, get in. You can't stop on this

:25:33. > :25:47.road, it's very dangerous. Hello. No idea. Brand-new hoodie and trainers,

:25:48. > :26:02.is it wrap? Crime, you idiot. You dirty girl. Shut up. I'm going to

:26:03. > :26:07.crimp my pig. And go to my hood and see my gal. Listen to me, this is

:26:08. > :26:11.how it's going to roll, I'm going to put some music on...

:26:12. > :26:30.# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:26:31. > :26:33.# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:26:34. > :26:39.# Yeah, take time if a man wanna try me, no time

:26:40. > :26:42.# I pick up the mic and it's reload time

:26:43. > :26:44.# That's why I got gigs just like Joe Grind

:26:45. > :26:46.# Don't care 'bout the no smoking sign

:26:47. > :26:50.# This ain't a culture, it's my religion

:26:51. > :26:59.# But if a man wanna try me, trust me, listen

:27:00. > :27:05.# Went to the show sitting in the front row

:27:06. > :27:09.# In the black tracksuit and it's shutdown

:27:10. > :27:25.We're here, we're here. Thank God for that! Get out. Come and meet my

:27:26. > :27:27.girl, you're like! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:27:28. > :27:29.Ladies and gentlemen, they're two of a kind.

:27:30. > :27:31.Give it up for the legends that are Dawn French and

:27:32. > :27:37.Here's Rob Brydon with a special thank you to our

:27:38. > :27:51.The amazing people who shop and work at Sainsbury's in fundraising,

:27:52. > :27:56.buying Red Nose Day goodies. I'd come along to say thank you. You may

:27:57. > :28:02.have bought one of these red noses or a wristband, thank you Charlotte,

:28:03. > :28:05.or even a mug, thank you, Poppy. You may have even taken part in

:28:06. > :28:09.fundraising activities yourself, however large or small, you have

:28:10. > :28:16.helped to change peoples lives. You see, really is money well spent...

:28:17. > :28:21.Sorry, I thought I turned it off. Hello? You are supposed to call me.

:28:22. > :28:25.Highly, I'm doing a call for Comic Relief. I don't know who you are. A

:28:26. > :28:28.thing to do, it's Rob, you called me. I don't know what you want to it

:28:29. > :28:35.would be wonderful if you made a donation to Comic Relief. I don't

:28:36. > :28:40.have money but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.

:28:41. > :28:44.Really, if you know how to operate a till, Sue is feeling a bit peaky and

:28:45. > :28:50.we could do with some help on checkout five. I will look for you,

:28:51. > :28:54.I will find you. I'm sure you will, we're in aisle seven near the

:28:55. > :28:57.biscuits. Sorry about that, Liam is a bit intense. Back to the reason

:28:58. > :29:03.we're here, a big thank you to everyone that...

:29:04. > :29:17.That that's taken you by surprise. Ready everyone? Thank you!

:29:18. > :29:19.Thank you so much to everyone at Sainsbury's and thank

:29:20. > :29:22.you to all of you at home who have gone into stores and bought your

:29:23. > :29:27.Right, this is totally incredible because we can now reveal

:29:28. > :29:43.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible, the highest ever

:29:44. > :29:48.donation on the night! In five minutes, Red Nose Day

:29:49. > :29:51.Actually, but first it's over to Lenny, who has a crucial

:29:52. > :29:59.message for us all. And sure you've been expecting this.

:30:00. > :30:02.I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the terrible famine that

:30:03. > :30:06.spin on the news in the last few weeks.

:30:07. > :30:09.We've been going a long time together now, you and us.

:30:10. > :30:12.Back in 1985, there was a crisis in Ethiopia, a famine

:30:13. > :30:14.of biblical proportions, and some bright spark thought

:30:15. > :30:17."I know, let's send in a bunch of comedians to help" ? worst idea

:30:18. > :30:19.ever, but together it's evolved and we're proud -

:30:20. > :30:22.I'm so very proud of what we have achieved together.

:30:23. > :30:23.At Comic Relief, we're committed to long-term change.

:30:24. > :30:26.We give people a leg up and gradually change or communities for

:30:27. > :30:28.the better. But sometimes, big stuff happens

:30:29. > :30:37.which upsets a whole country. Two years ago we gave life-saving

:30:38. > :30:42.help when Ebola struck. And now there's a crisis in four countries

:30:43. > :30:46.in Africa. It's real and it's very frightening. More than half the

:30:47. > :30:51.population of Yemen is hungry, half a country. To my people don't know

:30:52. > :30:55.where their next meal is coming from. There's no food at all and

:30:56. > :30:59.parents are watching their children die of hunger before their very

:31:00. > :31:03.eyes. We set up Comic Relief after a famine and it would be crazy not to

:31:04. > :31:09.give some of that cash tonight to help this intense emergency. Now

:31:10. > :31:11.you, the brilliant and generous British public, have the power to

:31:12. > :31:15.save lives right now. If you can't part with some cash tonight and next

:31:16. > :31:20.week we can reach families who are literally starving to death. This is

:31:21. > :31:24.an opportunity right now, to be part of the news in a good way, to save a

:31:25. > :31:28.life tonight. Please, please, please give what you can. You know the

:31:29. > :31:32.details but I'm going to save again, so you can see how easy it is do. Go

:31:33. > :31:38.online... Or pick up the phone and dial 03457

:31:39. > :31:43.910 910 and when someone answers, proudly tell them that

:31:44. > :31:46.you're part of the team, you want to give some

:31:47. > :31:50.of your own money to help others. If you can give us ?20,

:31:51. > :31:53.text yes to 70020. If you can afford a tenner,

:31:54. > :32:05.text yes to 70010. . We are finally within touching

:32:06. > :32:09.distance of Red Nose Day Actually and we will find out what happened

:32:10. > :32:14.to all our favourite characters from that great movie. Before I go any

:32:15. > :32:21.further I'm meant to be interrupted right now.

:32:22. > :32:28.Before you go any further, I need to remind everyone

:32:29. > :32:41.At ten o'clock, don't forget to switch over to BBC Two,

:32:42. > :32:44.where I will be hosting a very respectable show for Red Nose Day.

:32:45. > :32:48.That just so happens to be in a hot tub on top of The O2.

:32:49. > :32:50.And there will be a planet Earth special. That's amazing, don't miss

:32:51. > :33:00.that. That may look like a giraffe, it is

:33:01. > :33:08.actually a lion in a novelty giraffe costume. Like all novelty costumes

:33:09. > :33:10.used in the wild there are no eyeholes as without opposable thumbs

:33:11. > :33:14.it's impossible for the lion to use scissors. That's the third spectator

:33:15. > :33:26.he's hit this mile. As I was saying, we are just

:33:27. > :33:33.a few minutes away from? I'm being interrupted again. Graham

:33:34. > :33:47.Norton, ladies and gentlemen. You're not going to give Greg a plug

:33:48. > :33:51.for his show and not mine, are you? I'll be on BBC One after the news

:33:52. > :33:54.hosting my Big Chat Live, a one-off totally live chat show

:33:55. > :33:57.for Comic Relief! With over 30 guests. It sounds

:33:58. > :34:10.hideous. It's going to be epic. Don't miss

:34:11. > :34:16.Graham and his enormous couch. You love films, don't you?

:34:17. > :34:19.Right, I cannot believe I'm about to say this.

:34:20. > :34:22.Back together on the big screen for the first time

:34:23. > :34:38.MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.

:34:39. > :35:01.I'll get it. I'd be without you.

:35:02. > :35:11.He's not going to believe that, it's March.

:35:12. > :35:13.They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

:35:14. > :35:18.Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

:35:19. > :36:54.JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone

:36:55. > :36:57.will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

:36:58. > :36:59.Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten

:37:00. > :37:06.Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

:37:07. > :37:15.# You used to call me on my cell phone.

:37:16. > :37:29.# And I know when that hotline bling.

:37:30. > :37:45.# You got a reputation for yourself now.

:37:46. > :37:51.# Everybody knows and I feel left out...

:37:52. > :38:07.# You started wearing less and goin' out more.

:38:08. > :38:11.# Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor.

:38:12. > :38:14.# Hangin' with some girls I've never seen before.

:38:15. > :38:19.How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

:38:20. > :38:26.When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

:38:27. > :38:38.I liked it best when you worked for me.

:38:39. > :38:47.So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

:38:48. > :38:50.Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

:38:51. > :38:53.of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

:38:54. > :39:00.Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin'" to "money".

:39:01. > :39:03.a wonderful charity supporting children.

:39:04. > :39:09.No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

:39:10. > :39:15.Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

:39:16. > :39:24.I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

:39:25. > :39:41.Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

:39:42. > :39:44.Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?

:39:45. > :40:12.Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

:40:13. > :40:16.That never happens here at Radio Watford.

:40:17. > :40:19.Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

:40:20. > :40:22.OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here,

:40:23. > :40:33.It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

:40:34. > :40:45.Are you looking for anything in particular?

:40:46. > :41:39.It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

:41:40. > :41:49.This is so much more than just a bag.

:41:50. > :41:51.Do you remember the first time I drove you?

:41:52. > :41:59.I remember looking at you and thinking "What a handsome man.

:42:00. > :42:42.I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.

:42:43. > :42:46.There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

:42:47. > :42:54.By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

:42:55. > :43:47.Can we have rice with it this time, though?

:43:48. > :44:08.I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

:44:09. > :44:15.And of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

:44:16. > :44:56.I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

:44:57. > :45:00.The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

:45:01. > :45:01.That's OK. My God, you've grown.

:45:02. > :45:03.No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

:45:04. > :45:15.I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

:45:16. > :45:18.I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

:45:19. > :45:23.I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

:45:24. > :45:29.Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

:45:30. > :45:40.You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

:45:41. > :45:46.the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

:45:47. > :45:48.was that cute wee girl, the singer at school.

:45:49. > :46:11.We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

:46:12. > :46:24.I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

:46:25. > :46:31.All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

:46:32. > :47:15.Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

:47:16. > :47:17.I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

:47:18. > :47:20.I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

:47:21. > :47:27.Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

:47:28. > :47:31.You said that the power of good could finally win,

:47:32. > :47:39.14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

:47:40. > :47:46.Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

:47:47. > :47:52.And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

:47:53. > :47:54.Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

:47:55. > :47:55.The Harry Potter films have finished.

:47:56. > :48:03.But, let's look at the other side of the coin.

:48:04. > :48:05.Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

:48:06. > :48:09.And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

:48:10. > :48:14.Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

:48:15. > :48:18.Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

:48:19. > :48:22.you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

:48:23. > :48:26.Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

:48:27. > :48:28.to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

:48:29. > :48:39.So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

:48:40. > :48:45.Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

:48:46. > :48:48.in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

:48:49. > :49:04.Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

:49:05. > :49:58.Wow - I didn't expect that to be so on message.

:49:59. > :50:01.I'm so proud of how Comic Relief does bring people together and does

:50:02. > :50:04.support people doing the best charity work.

:50:05. > :50:08.Please, if you enjoyed that show, the only

:50:09. > :50:11.reason they all made that film was so you might

:50:12. > :50:14.Give a little love by actually reaching out to help

:50:15. > :50:18.But don't forget, we have so much more still to come.

:50:19. > :50:21.In fact, if you want even more Red Nose Day Actually,

:50:22. > :50:24.then Greg Davies will be kicking off his Hot Tub Half Hour

:50:25. > :50:28.with a very exclusive look behind the scenes of that film.

:50:29. > :50:34.But now, back to Jonathan. This is the end of part one.

:50:35. > :50:37.Can we just ask, if you've had a good night so far,

:50:38. > :50:39.please do that one decisive thing and

:50:40. > :50:43.It'll completely change and save the lives of terrifically

:50:44. > :51:21.vulnerable children all over the world's poorest communities.

:51:22. > :51:25.Your money will also help people all over the UK,

:51:26. > :51:28.from the brave young carers who give their lives to their parents,

:51:29. > :51:30.right up to the older people Billy Connolly asked

:51:31. > :51:47.Sometimes I can't hug my mum because she's very hurting. I calm her down

:51:48. > :51:57.if she's upset. She said unfortunately you've got

:51:58. > :52:05.early onset... Early onset Alzheimer's. One evening she looked

:52:06. > :52:07.at me and said, where's Bob? And I'm Bob. The bottom dropped out of my

:52:08. > :52:09.world then. And tonight, it'll also directly,

:52:10. > :52:12.in the days ahead, give money to fight the famine

:52:13. > :52:14.that is threatening to steal life from hundreds of thousands

:52:15. > :52:27.of terrified and innocent victims. This is the heart of the area

:52:28. > :52:30.declared in famine. Thousands of people have gathered in the central

:52:31. > :52:35.area to register to receive food aid.

:52:36. > :52:37.Most were women and children, hungry, tired and waiting under a

:52:38. > :52:56.burning sun. The mighty Rag'n'Bone Man is now

:52:57. > :52:59.here to sing his gorgeous song Skin, and he's asked us to ask

:53:00. > :53:02.you to give if you can - whatever you can ?

:53:03. > :53:04.by phone, online, by text. In this next three minutes,

:53:05. > :53:06.it would be wonderful if everyone just, well,

:53:07. > :53:09.gave a few quid. # The silence hits so hard

:53:10. > :54:11.cos it was almost love # Turn around, you're

:54:12. > :55:14.holding on to someone # It was almost love.

:55:15. > :56:45.# APPLAUSE

:56:46. > :56:54.Thank you so much. Please give generously.

:56:55. > :56:58.Thanks so much to Rag'n'Bone Man for that beautiful performance.

:56:59. > :57:03.Thank you for being here. You heard what he said at the end, you know

:57:04. > :57:07.what the message is. We've said it time and time again but...

:57:08. > :57:10.If you've been meaning to donate and still haven't got round to it,

:57:11. > :57:12.please don't put it off for another second.

:57:13. > :57:14.To give by phone, call 03457 910 910.

:57:15. > :57:22.You can also donate through a simple text message.

:57:23. > :57:25.Or you can go to bbc.co.uk/rednoseday.

:57:26. > :57:36.There's one thing we have left to do before we get to witness Greg Davies

:57:37. > :57:47.Here we go, I've got a good feeling about this.

:57:48. > :57:49.Ladies and gentlemen, I can announce that the current

:57:50. > :57:55.amount raised so far,for Red Nose Day 2017 is a monumental...

:57:56. > :58:02.Don't tell them yet, hold on, hold on. Are you ready for this total?

:58:03. > :58:11.CHEERING I said are you ready for this total?

:58:12. > :58:16.CHEERING Are you ready for this total?

:58:17. > :58:29.CHEERING Hit it. OK it is...

:58:30. > :58:56.Oh my gosh. LAUGHTER OK, that is fabulous.

:58:57. > :58:58.So many thousands of lives But the night is still

:58:59. > :59:02.young, it's just begun. There's loads more fun -

:59:03. > :59:04.there's still plenty more to come. On Red Nose Day tonight,

:59:05. > :59:08.we've Graham Norton's Big Chat live, the biggest couch in the history

:59:09. > :59:14.of chat shows, with a fruit salad of extraordinary

:59:15. > :59:18.guests - Dame Joan Collins, David Tennant, Gordon Ramsay

:59:19. > :59:20.and the biggest supermodel All that and Ed Sheeran and People

:59:21. > :59:32.Just Do Nothing, David Walliams and Jeremey Kyle and a special hour

:59:33. > :59:36.of live comedy from the one and only CHEERING

:59:37. > :59:44.. and a hiarlous look back

:59:45. > :59:47.at Comic Relief's biggest musical moments with Noel Fielding -

:59:48. > :59:49.and a dashing chap Jump over now to BBC Two

:59:50. > :59:57.for Greg Davies' Hot Tub Half Hour. We will see you back here later. See

:59:58. > :59:58.you later!