:00:19. > :00:24.Good evening, good evening, and welcome back to Red Nose Day
:00:25. > :00:42.I feel a bit like when you book a budget airline to Rome and you get
:00:43. > :00:46.there and think, this is Rome? Yes, this is the O2! Anyway, not what you
:00:47. > :00:48.were expecting. And just when you thought your
:00:49. > :00:51.Friday night couldn't get any more exciting I'm here with a very
:00:52. > :00:54.special chat show where I'll be attempting to fill the longest sofa
:00:55. > :00:57.in history with more amazing celebrities than you
:00:58. > :01:02.can shake a stick at! What they have done with cushions is
:01:03. > :01:12.really special! So, what a night of
:01:13. > :01:14.fundraising it's been! First I need to say
:01:15. > :01:17.a huge thank you to Greg It's been a real treat seeing a full
:01:18. > :01:21.moon over the O2 tonight. Now to kick things off I need
:01:22. > :01:24.to remind you why we're doing We need your money, more than ever
:01:25. > :01:29.to help people in the UK As it's a special show we're lucky
:01:30. > :02:04.enough to have two of the countries No, that's not happening, is it?
:02:05. > :02:17.That has gone. Let's get some guests on. It is chaos back there. There
:02:18. > :02:22.are so many guests. I will yell out names, and if they come on, it has
:02:23. > :02:36.gone very well. Let's get cracking. We have got Gordon Ramsay, Martine
:02:37. > :02:47.McCutcheon, Sir Lenny Henry. Jessica Hynes. Hello. Hello, hello. Now,
:02:48. > :02:54.this is five people. You can see how far we have to go with this. Welcome
:02:55. > :02:58.to you all. You have done all of the W 18 trailers for Comic Relief.
:02:59. > :03:03.Many, you have done so much over the years. You did a big gig in
:03:04. > :03:12.Birmingham this year. Yes, it was fantastic, with all the new comedian
:03:13. > :03:23.-- comedians. And we saw you in Love Actually. Gordon, what have you done
:03:24. > :03:28.this year? Lots. Quite a lot. Yesterday we shopped a new advert.
:03:29. > :03:35.And always supporting Comic Relief. There is also a swearing app. You
:03:36. > :03:39.could have downloaded that and cancel third World debt in a month.
:03:40. > :03:49.Gordon Ramsay, ladies and gentlemen, has a new show on ITV. What's that?
:03:50. > :04:03.Culinary genius. What? Culinary genius.
:04:04. > :04:12.How do you pronounce that? When you do it now, because you are rich and
:04:13. > :04:18.successful, do you get a moment when you fear that you might be very
:04:19. > :04:29.mellow? Graham, hang on. Could you shut up over there, please. It's
:04:30. > :04:37.really noisy. Shut up. Lenny... You have to be quiet. We are trying to
:04:38. > :04:47.make television over here. Shut up. The funny thing is, Lenny, those are
:04:48. > :04:55.the guests. , Right. That's 30 drunk celebrities. Sorry, darlings. I
:04:56. > :04:59.don't mean it at all. Carry on. Martine, do you like cooking? Gordon
:05:00. > :05:07.tried to teach me but I was useless so he gave up. Really? Yes, it
:05:08. > :05:14.didn't go down too well but we got there. Love Actually, were you
:05:15. > :05:19.surprised to find yourself still married to Hugh Grant? No, I always
:05:20. > :05:24.hoped they would live happily ever after. So I was glad that they did.
:05:25. > :05:29.I wanted them to be together and happy. Where you fearful when you
:05:30. > :05:34.got the call? No. I was really excited. I knew that whatever
:05:35. > :05:39.Richard did would be amazing and the fact that it was for Comic Relief, a
:05:40. > :05:44.great cause, and to see gorgeous Hugh Grant again, it is a tough job
:05:45. > :05:50.but someone has to do it. But no tongues this time. Were you not
:05:51. > :05:57.tempted? I tried. I said, I think they should snog. Never mind. It is
:05:58. > :06:03.so weird seeing you, Lenny, because I saw you earlier... I have been
:06:04. > :06:11.here all might! I saw you earlier and it was Broadchurch Lenny. We are
:06:12. > :06:16.so used to cuddly, lovely Lenny, and then he possibly has done terrible
:06:17. > :06:21.things. I can't say anything about the show. You are so good in the
:06:22. > :06:26.show. So good. Is it hard to come from something like that and do the
:06:27. > :06:33.glee club in Birmingham? Yes, it was weird. When you are in Broadchurch,
:06:34. > :06:36.David and Olivia do everything, every day, lots of dialogue. You
:06:37. > :06:44.come in for two days, do your bit and split. Is that how you did it on
:06:45. > :06:53.the show? Have you not seen it, he is very camp. Richard said, would
:06:54. > :06:57.you go to Birmingham and do a set at the glee club and I said, OK. I had
:06:58. > :07:02.not done a set for ages but it was really good fun. We had new, young
:07:03. > :07:07.comedians, incredibly talented and I was the compere. I really loved it,
:07:08. > :07:12.really enjoyed it. I am not sure I would want to do it again any time
:07:13. > :07:19.soon but it was a really enjoyable might. We must talk about your show,
:07:20. > :07:23.which is coming back. We love it. Because the two of view, you know,
:07:24. > :07:29.Jessica I have no knew of old. I have never met you. I meet you and I
:07:30. > :07:35.assume you are stupid. I am sure you are not. No, I am a genius. It must
:07:36. > :07:39.happen all the time that people talk to you slowly and do not trust you
:07:40. > :07:47.to do anything. Yes, which I appreciate. Does it happen to you?
:07:48. > :07:52.Do you end up using the perfect curve language? I try not to. If I
:07:53. > :07:59.slip into it, I stop myself because it feels weird to do that. You don't
:08:00. > :08:03.want to do that. But if people think of you as a character, they look at
:08:04. > :08:08.you in a funny way, like you are the character. But you did do something
:08:09. > :08:14.that was quite like your character. When was the incident with Anna
:08:15. > :08:22.Cornick over in Eastbourne? I thought you were talking to me. Can
:08:23. > :08:25.you hear me? I think by the end of this I will not be able to hear
:08:26. > :08:34.people down there. Anyway, keep going. Anecdote alert, go. This has
:08:35. > :08:38.been blown out of proportion. It was not actually something I did. When
:08:39. > :08:49.you say blown up, you mean it is a lie. Is, she played tennis. Near
:08:50. > :08:54.where I went to school. It was where we smoked, on the tennis courts, and
:08:55. > :08:59.someone went to try and woo her via playing the song to the music video
:09:00. > :09:08.she was doing with Enrique Cerezo Scott and her mum got angry because
:09:09. > :09:11.she was training. But you did show up? I did.
:09:12. > :09:14.And if seeing Red Nose Day Actually has made you want to watch
:09:15. > :09:17.the original movie, well great news - if you purchase Love Actually
:09:18. > :09:19.on iTunes this weekend, Apple and Universal have agreed that
:09:20. > :09:30.all profits from the downloads will go to Comic Relief.
:09:31. > :09:33.There are plenty more guests waiting to join me out
:09:34. > :09:36.here but first up David Walliams, who is going toe to toe
:09:37. > :09:48.Today, we meet a TV presenter who claims his rival is stealing
:09:49. > :10:14.When is this godforsaken show of yours, Caught Red Handed, on?
:10:15. > :10:22.The problem is, more people are watching this smug git
:10:23. > :10:26.on ITV and the only reason for that is because he shouts
:10:27. > :10:30.at his guests to try and get more viewers.
:10:31. > :10:38.I think it's high time we met this turd.
:10:39. > :10:51.Bog off, like I shout at people to get more viewers.
:10:52. > :10:57.Sit down and shut up, you sweaty BLEEP.
:10:58. > :11:01.What have you got to say for yourself?
:11:02. > :11:15.Well, I'm doing one, I'm not bothered.
:11:16. > :12:09.Earlier today, we sent Jeremy Kyle here to do a lie detector test.
:12:10. > :12:15.We asked him "Do you just shout at your guests to get viewers?"
:12:16. > :12:45.I've never shouted at anybody on my show to get viewers!
:12:46. > :12:48.Do you want Steve here to pull down your trousers and pants
:12:49. > :13:11.We also sent Jeremy here for a DNA test.
:13:12. > :13:16.The test has proved, without a shadow of a doubt...
:13:17. > :13:38.You have got to stop looking like a shrunken Matt Lucas.
:13:39. > :13:43.And you need to stop shouting at people on TV.
:13:44. > :13:49.I'm not going to shout at people any more.
:13:50. > :13:53.That's what I'm going to do, I'm going to yell.
:13:54. > :13:56.So you with your wig and you, you baldy, you can get off.
:13:57. > :14:09.If you've been affected by the issues in this show,
:14:10. > :14:11.just grow up and don't be such a crybaby.
:14:12. > :14:43.Wow. Slightly creepy at the end, there. Still plenty of room on my
:14:44. > :14:45.sofa, please welcome Cara Delevingne, Matt Lucas, Warren Davis
:14:46. > :15:03.and Jonathan Ross. Hello. Hello. Please sit down. Nice
:15:04. > :15:23.to see you, nice to see you. Jonathan, hello. Phoebe, high. Hi,
:15:24. > :15:31.hi. Everybody knows everybody. You work in three back together? Indeed.
:15:32. > :15:42.And you know each other? Yes. In prison? Why was it like that. Just
:15:43. > :15:48.hanging out. Hanging out. OK. How are you? Very good, thank you.
:15:49. > :15:53.Jonathan, I have never interviewed you. It is an honour to be on the
:15:54. > :15:59.couch on what is widely regarded as the second best talk show in
:16:00. > :16:07.England. Lovely to be here. The nightly show is excellent, I agree
:16:08. > :16:14.with you. Good luck, Gordon. Start Monday. You're doing it Monday?
:16:15. > :16:22.Can't wait. It without me get over this. Warwick, are you working with
:16:23. > :16:28.Phoebe? No. But you are working in the same world? And Tallulah, Star
:16:29. > :16:32.Wars is the world. You are back in Star Wars. I first did Star Wars
:16:33. > :16:38.when I was 11. It celebrates its 40th anniversary this year. I did
:16:39. > :16:45.Return Of The Jedi, episode one, episode seven and episode eight. You
:16:46. > :16:50.are in this new one? Which one are you talking about, eight? The one
:16:51. > :16:55.that isn't out yet. That's eight. He's a real stickler for the
:16:56. > :17:07.numbers. Phoebe, you are in the spin off? Yes, the Hans Solo spin off.
:17:08. > :17:15.Who are you in that? I don't know. Chewbacca? I don't know. You are
:17:16. > :17:21.very tall. Matt Lucas, Ayew the new Doctor Who assistant? Yes, I am one
:17:22. > :17:25.of the two assistants for the new season. That's so exciting. I've
:17:26. > :17:37.been here since June doing that. I was filming in Abergavenny today. Is
:17:38. > :17:43.this bad timing? He is leaving. He didn't like working with me. Do you
:17:44. > :17:46.stay when he shuffles off? I'm not at liberty to say anything. They
:17:47. > :17:52.will chop my hands off if I say anything, they are very strict in
:17:53. > :17:59.Doctor Who. I can fly the Tardis, did you know? In the Hans Solo thing
:18:00. > :18:03.you are in, people say they cannot reveal the secret, what actually
:18:04. > :18:11.happens if you just said what's in it? Shall we find out? Yeah, do it.
:18:12. > :18:19.No, I'm terrified, I'm really quite scared. Phoebe, when you are writing
:18:20. > :18:26.feedback, you wrote it in three weeks, you just kind of did it. The
:18:27. > :18:30.play, the one-woman show, yes, but the series took a lot longer. That's
:18:31. > :18:36.interesting, I thought when you read the series you wrote it thinking
:18:37. > :18:40.I'll never have to do this stuff. It sort of was the case for the play
:18:41. > :18:45.anyway, I thought nobody would come and hear me say this. So I thought
:18:46. > :18:49.it would be safe enough to do it. Apparently that's the way to get
:18:50. > :18:57.people to come, say things that people don't expect you to say. Or
:18:58. > :19:02.do. Because we saw it. But there's more, isn't there? Well hopefully,
:19:03. > :19:06.yes. In terms of embarrassment threshold, Cara Delevingne, I think
:19:07. > :19:13.your embarrassment threshold is quite high. Why? I'm quite nervous
:19:14. > :19:23.right now. We were talking earlier about having six on a plane. As you
:19:24. > :19:29.have, clearly. Oddly I have. Let's talk about that. If it's just with
:19:30. > :19:31.yourself it doesn't count. But if that doesn't count my life is
:19:32. > :19:46.meaningless. Anyone else, anyone else? Have you done it, well done.
:19:47. > :19:53.I've not even had six but I hear it's wonderful. You were doing it
:19:54. > :20:01.and then a man was watching you? My father is here to night. I was very
:20:02. > :20:13.worried for a moment, then. Someone was watching you on the plane? The
:20:14. > :20:21.pilot? No. Yeah, I don't even know how to start the story. Were you in
:20:22. > :20:29.the toilets? Why are you telling everyone now? I'm sorry, we hadn't
:20:30. > :20:39.announced it. I thought it was the time with me? We were both watching.
:20:40. > :20:43.I like the idea that rather than being embarrassed, you complain
:20:44. > :20:49.someone was watching you. Yes, of course, it was disgusting. I
:20:50. > :20:58.thought, what is this pervert doing? Whereabouts in the cabin did it take
:20:59. > :21:06.place? Right in the middle. In the galley? In the seat. We are going to
:21:07. > :21:15.ask you to perform in a different nature tonight. This is chat show
:21:16. > :21:21.gold. You have a very special skill. This is all I do on chat shows.
:21:22. > :21:27.Don't worry, it's not like Big Brother, it's totally different.
:21:28. > :21:36.What is your special trick can you do it? So basically I'm going to try
:21:37. > :21:39.and attempt to do this. If anybody wants to try I'd really enjoy it
:21:40. > :21:44.because I'm probably going to fail. What's it called? It has no name.
:21:45. > :21:55.You can name it if you want. Here we go. This is Cara Delevingne doing
:21:56. > :22:05.something. O God. Imagine we are on the plane. I learnt this on the
:22:06. > :22:16.plane as well. Ooh. The concentration is way too intense.
:22:17. > :22:27.She's getting back up. Ooh. Well done. Anyone else want to go? Now.
:22:28. > :22:34.We've got a film from one of all of our great heroes.
:22:35. > :22:36.This is perhaps, in a slightly strange way, my favourite
:22:37. > :22:59.Well, I'm back on Comic Relief, and what a journey it's been.
:23:00. > :23:02.I started 30 years ago, a youngish man with a lush coloured
:23:03. > :23:09.Today, ladies and gentlemen, I finished my first novel.
:23:10. > :23:13.It's taken me a long time to read a book, but there you go.
:23:14. > :23:17.I seem to remember I cracked a joke or two, then I went to Mozambique.
:23:18. > :23:30.Quite fun there as well, but I saw some terrible things too.
:23:31. > :23:34.Standing beside me just now, this is Sophia.
:23:35. > :23:38.Just over a year ago she was playing in a field with her sister.
:23:39. > :23:44.She jumped over a wall and landed on a landmine.
:23:45. > :23:47.It blew up, Sophia lost her legs and her sister lost her life.
:23:48. > :23:51.And I was glad to do my bit just to pass on to the British public
:23:52. > :23:54.what it was actually like in tough places like that.
:23:55. > :23:57.I went back there again a few years later, and saw the amazing
:23:58. > :24:02.That girl being reunited with her dad for a day.
:24:03. > :24:05.And then, of course, I made a bloody fool of myself
:24:06. > :24:09.running naked around Piccadilly Circus.
:24:10. > :24:13.I think it made a million quid, but who knows?
:24:14. > :24:15.I certainly frighten some poor, innocent pedestrians.
:24:16. > :24:17.Worst hospital I've ever seen, tough things there.
:24:18. > :24:23.Would you like a wee glimpse of hell?
:24:24. > :24:26.But I don't know if I would ever have guessed this, the latest
:24:27. > :24:37.So it is time for me to bring it home, and ask you to spare
:24:38. > :24:40.a few quid for the work you and Comic Relief
:24:41. > :24:44.I'm not young myself, so let me seem a bit selfish and say
:24:45. > :24:47.it would be great if you could give it a bit of thought,
:24:48. > :24:52.Life can get very hard for old people, they're not well
:24:53. > :24:57.It's an amazing thing Red Nose night.
:24:58. > :25:00.The utter generosity changing the lives of millions of strangers,
:25:01. > :25:06.If you got some spare cash, spirit for someone not very
:25:07. > :25:07.different from your granny or your grandfather.
:25:08. > :25:12.God bless, I'll be back later because if you don't
:25:13. > :25:15.give ?1 million, I'm going to take my clothes off again
:25:16. > :25:21.I'm very proud of the stuff we've done together.
:25:22. > :26:01.Huge thank you to Billy. Comic relief support amazing work in this
:26:02. > :26:06.country that transforms the lives of older people, people in trouble at
:26:07. > :26:10.all stages of life. If you haven't given yet, listen to that wonderful
:26:11. > :26:12.man who has been helping Comic Relief for 30 years and give a few
:26:13. > :26:29.quid. We can't go any further without
:26:30. > :26:33.finding out the answer to the one question this evening that has had
:26:34. > :26:37.people arguing up and down the country. I've become strangely
:26:38. > :26:43.involved. I didn't think I would care but I do. We are going to find
:26:44. > :26:52.out the winner of the World Cup of biscuits.
:26:53. > :27:08.Hello. Ooh. This is nice. You're very welcome. Were you all watching?
:27:09. > :27:13.Of course we were. I missed the beginning, was a chocolate hobnob in
:27:14. > :27:20.at any time? Yes. And it didn't win? It was beaten by the chocolate
:27:21. > :27:26.digestive. That's madness. Chocolate digestive was a finalist. Milk
:27:27. > :27:30.chocolate hobnob can't be beaten, really. Did you vote? In fairness I
:27:31. > :27:38.didn't. Then it is your fault. That has happened to me before. By the
:27:39. > :27:44.way, what was your job? How dare you? What? In the judging? Putting
:27:45. > :27:52.one on a wall chart, thank you very much in a beautiful manner. You did
:27:53. > :27:58.it literally perfectly. You had a nice overall. I had a tabard, a Red
:27:59. > :28:03.Nose Day Tabard. I had heard Steph Strudwick I was feeding and watering
:28:04. > :28:07.everybody. -- I had a hostess trolley. I didn't know anything
:28:08. > :28:12.about this, but I have eaten a lot of biscuits. What's your favourite
:28:13. > :28:23.biscuit? I will go with the orange viscount today. I say orange
:28:24. > :28:29.viscount. O do pipe down. This is like a coach trip. As the only chef
:28:30. > :28:39.here, what's your favourite biscuit? Fig rolls. Oh no! Out of context.
:28:40. > :28:46.Blue. People are cancelling reservations now. So the final was?
:28:47. > :28:50.Chocolate digestive is against chocolate fingers. OK, and you are
:28:51. > :28:56.going to reveal the winner, I believe? If you would like me to. Do
:28:57. > :29:07.we want to hear the winner? Was it close? I don't want to get all
:29:08. > :29:14.Brexit on your as but it was 52-48. You want to know? The winner of the
:29:15. > :29:22.World Cup of biscuits this 2070 was...
:29:23. > :29:32.You will find out after the break. No, we are on BBC One, don't panic.
:29:33. > :29:41.The winner of the World Cup of Biscuits 2017 was chocolate
:29:42. > :29:47.digestives! Are you happy with that? Very happy. Have we mentioned
:29:48. > :29:54.Miranda's book, which is still for sale? All proceeds go to Comic
:29:55. > :30:02.Relief. It is a lovely idea. It is nice things in your average day. I
:30:03. > :30:05.am proud of it. I am going to do some countercultural
:30:06. > :30:10.self-congratulation. I like January 14, singing, but not standard
:30:11. > :30:18.singing. I think that one is to sing out of tune. Put on a song and sing
:30:19. > :30:23.out of tune. It is good fun. They are fun tasks to do everyday to make
:30:24. > :30:28.yourself feel better, more jolly, less anxious and stressed. And
:30:29. > :30:34.singing out of tune is a hoot. You seem ever so cheerful so it is
:30:35. > :30:42.obviously working. I wonder what that must sound like. Do a bit. Sing
:30:43. > :30:49.out of June? I tried total eclipse of the heart the other day.
:30:50. > :30:56.# Total eclipse of the heart # And I need you now tonight
:30:57. > :31:00.# And I need you more than ever # And I'll only hold you tight
:31:01. > :31:19.# We'll be holding on forever
:31:20. > :31:24.# Ferrer via's going to start and night
:31:25. > :31:29.# Once upon a time I was... # Now there's only... We are
:31:30. > :31:34.stopping. He got carried away, he was enjoying it. We are going to
:31:35. > :31:39.continue with the food theme. We had biscuits but now we welcome two men
:31:40. > :31:49.who have literally raised a lot of dough, Micky Flanagan and Joe
:31:50. > :31:56.Lycett. APPLAUSE
:31:57. > :32:09.Hello. Hello. Come in and sit down. Micky
:32:10. > :32:15.Flanagan, Joe Lycett. Sit, sit down. Can I sit there? No com you cannot.
:32:16. > :32:25.Was that meant to be a crop top? No, but it got hot. You were really
:32:26. > :32:29.working in a pizza kitchen. Yes, I understand why he swears so much. It
:32:30. > :32:36.was infuriating. People were sending stuff back. It wasn't cooked.
:32:37. > :32:42.Sometimes in a rush, who wants to cook things? You were front of
:32:43. > :32:52.house. I am livid with Micky Flanagan. He wasted our time. Did he
:32:53. > :33:00.embarrass you? He embarrassed me. It is sleeveless as well. Calm
:33:01. > :33:05.yourselves, everybody. How were you raising money? Trying to get
:33:06. > :33:09.donations for the good work we were doing from the people in the
:33:10. > :33:18.restaurant. We didn't get loads, did we, Micky? How much was it? I got
:33:19. > :33:26.two cubes in someone's pizza and they kicked off, because they wanted
:33:27. > :33:32.more. Did people not see the funny side? Everyone was very nice, but
:33:33. > :33:39.they were obviously poor. Poor and annoyed. Do you have a grand total?
:33:40. > :33:48.Yes, it is all in this bucket, so it is obviously a lot. The pizza Comic
:33:49. > :34:09.Relief challenge 2017 has raised... ?385. -- ?375. And 19p. I put that
:34:10. > :34:15.in. That T-shirt on eBay will sell for a lot. If I get it nice and
:34:16. > :34:22.sweaty. My pants are going on as well. She wants it.
:34:23. > :34:25.when the biggest musician in the world met the biggest
:34:26. > :34:28.Ladies and gentleman it's the very special People Just Do Nothing.
:34:29. > :34:35.Today, I've set Kurupt FM up with one of their first
:34:36. > :34:39.It's so top secret, they don't even bloody know who it is.
:34:40. > :34:42.But we know it's definitely going to be an award-winning artist, right?
:34:43. > :34:44.Well, let's just say it's one of the biggest
:34:45. > :34:54.We could do a Godfather and Godfather back to back.
:34:55. > :35:06.You don't need to play instruments these days to make music.
:35:07. > :35:10.Like, you can literally play a keyboard with one finger
:35:11. > :35:12.for 30 minutes and you've got a banger.
:35:13. > :35:35.So I'm a big fan of People Just Do Nothing.
:35:36. > :35:41.we are going to need some drinks laid out.
:35:42. > :35:45.Got some big artist coming in very soon,
:35:46. > :35:47.so if we could do that really quickly and then
:35:48. > :35:53.No, no, no, guys, don't you know who this is?
:35:54. > :36:07.You said it was going to be one of the biggest
:36:08. > :36:36.Basically, I Photoshopped our Twitter page to make it look
:36:37. > :36:39.like we have 34 million followers instead of 34, yeah?
:36:40. > :36:46.Richard Curtis called me up and was like,
:36:47. > :36:54.# We could change this whole world with a piano.
:36:55. > :36:58.# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat and away we go.
:36:59. > :37:05.# I'm just a boy with a one man show....
:37:06. > :37:15.# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote.
:37:16. > :37:21.# Saying love can change the world in a moment, but what do I know?
:37:22. > :37:25.If I'm being honest, mate, it's a bit depressing.
:37:26. > :37:31.Right, I'm just trying to think of a way to make it less shit.
:37:32. > :37:34.What if it had more of a sort of message to it?
:37:35. > :37:37.Well, I mean, that's the kind of point of the song.
:37:38. > :37:38.Yeah, love's going to change the world.
:37:39. > :37:44.Garage is going to change the world, with a bass line?
:37:45. > :37:49.Or if the song was about bringing garage to Africa?
:37:50. > :37:53.That's what I was just about to think of.
:37:54. > :37:58.I don't know if the continent of Africa knows or cares about garage.
:37:59. > :38:00.Oh, well, maybe that's part of the problem, then, Ed.
:38:01. > :38:10.Always the same drums, Decoy, that's what garage is about.
:38:11. > :38:26.Just saying, you must be smashing it with the ladies, getting loads of...
:38:27. > :38:34.No, cos the ginger thing's really working.
:38:35. > :38:36.I was thinking of maybe dyeing my 'tache ginger.
:38:37. > :38:55.# We could change this whole world with a piano.
:38:56. > :39:08.# We could change this whole world...
:39:09. > :39:21.Right, probably still need to chop that up to make it sound
:39:22. > :39:24.# I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote
:39:25. > :39:27.# Song that I wrote, song that I wrote...
:39:28. > :39:29.Make sure you've got a good drop as well.
:39:30. > :39:37.It's a little musical thing you probably haven't come across
:39:38. > :39:44.That's your target audience, the raver.
:39:45. > :39:45.I thought your target audience was Africa.
:39:46. > :39:50.Why don't you leave it to the professionals, Ed?
:39:51. > :39:54.Why don't you go outside and let us crack on?
:39:55. > :40:01.I've got a cold sore, but we can just do blowbacks.
:40:02. > :40:05.Do you think garage can change the world?
:40:06. > :40:07.I don't think we need to change the world.
:40:08. > :40:10.I think we need to make music saying that we're going
:40:11. > :40:12.to change the world, you know what I mean?
:40:13. > :40:14.We're not going to fucking do anything.
:40:15. > :40:20.But I'm going to let people hear it and be like, rar.
:40:21. > :40:22.If they wanted to, they could change the world.
:40:23. > :40:39.People ? just do something and put your hands
:40:40. > :41:13.together for Kurupt FM and, it's only bloody Ed Sheeran.
:41:14. > :41:25.City yourselves down, sit yourself down. Pile in. -- sit yourselves
:41:26. > :41:34.down. They love you. I know this is chaos. Just a bit further. Use it on
:41:35. > :41:39.the table. I'm easy. Don't look over my wine. Then I will lose my temper.
:41:40. > :41:48.We love to seeing the documentary of you and Ed Sheeran. You were not
:41:49. > :41:55.that familiar with him. No. Was he a fan of yours? Big-time. It's
:41:56. > :41:59.obvious, isn't it? It is good for him because he got inspired, and we
:42:00. > :42:05.helped him because he came with his weird... He didn't have any drums on
:42:06. > :42:14.his music before so we thought we would put a Garrard -ish beat on it.
:42:15. > :42:22.He was lovely but very needy. Was it you that inspired a song for him?
:42:23. > :42:29.This is another thing about him being needy. His song, shape of
:42:30. > :42:35.view, it is a good song, but he was calling out the manager. It was a
:42:36. > :42:46.bit needy. Chill out, mate. Here is the thing. Crime is your... That is
:42:47. > :42:55.where Grimes stemmed from. Miranda Hart is about to be in a musical.
:42:56. > :43:00.That's true. Are there any beats or anything you could teach Miranda to
:43:01. > :43:07.help her? It's about children so she has to be down with the kids. Yes,
:43:08. > :43:14.it is Annie, a family show, and I feel this would work really well.
:43:15. > :43:22.You have to do the one Lakes gang. Put one leg in the air and go like
:43:23. > :43:27.that. I do that quite a lot anyway. One of the dancers is the gun
:43:28. > :43:41.finger. Don't get worried, it's not violent. Yes, yes.
:43:42. > :43:51.Locks to work with, Miranda. On my last night, I will put that in, I
:43:52. > :44:01.promise. Say my name when you do it, I invented it. She knows who I am.
:44:02. > :44:08.You have done a video with Ed Sheeran which has not been seen yet.
:44:09. > :44:16.A world exclusive on your show. You are welcome. I got a sneaky peek and
:44:17. > :44:24.it is genius. It is beautiful on so many levels. It is a blockbuster,
:44:25. > :44:31.with so many effects. There is a glimpse. That is special. What we
:44:32. > :44:38.are trying to say is that... Ed Sheeran is loving it. You can get a
:44:39. > :44:45.green screen and make your own little thing. The thing is, if my
:44:46. > :44:50.lyrics will help to change the world, so be it. I don't want a
:44:51. > :44:56.thank you or anything. Just buy me a beer when you see me. If I am happy
:44:57. > :44:59.with the amount we have raised in the next hour, we will give everyone
:45:00. > :45:06.at home that exclusive world premiere. Get text in, because you
:45:07. > :45:17.don't want to miss it. It is really genius. It could give Amarillo a run
:45:18. > :45:21.for its money. What is Amarillo? This is the weird thing about
:45:22. > :45:26.tonight, one minute it is funny and then it is serious. This next film
:45:27. > :45:31.is tough, but it does show why we are here.
:45:32. > :45:34.It's 9am, and it's already getting busy in the children's ward at this
:45:35. > :45:44.It's a worrying time for mums and dads, but
:45:45. > :45:46.thankfully the majority of these little ones will make a full
:45:47. > :45:58.And their parents will get to see their babies grow up into
:45:59. > :46:01.But for some very sick children, often the
:46:02. > :46:04.ones from the poorest homes, this is only the beginning of the
:46:05. > :46:17.And one of the scariest conditions they face is pneumonia.
:46:18. > :46:19.This is Joffrey, and he is five months old.
:46:20. > :46:21.Joffrey has already had a tough start in life.
:46:22. > :46:24.He was born with malformed limbs, and his mum, Rosemary,
:46:25. > :46:37.Joffrey has been admitted with severe pneumonia.
:46:38. > :46:39.He wasn't vaccinated, and because of that,
:46:40. > :46:46.Vaccines that stop children dying unnecessarily can
:46:47. > :47:03.But every day, this ward sees a wave of new cases.
:47:04. > :47:05.Joffrey's tiny lungs filling with fluid, he is too weak
:47:06. > :47:10.He needs oxygen but he is so small, it's hard to fix
:47:11. > :47:19.Children with pneumonia never stop arriving.
:47:20. > :47:26.And as the day draws on, Joffrey's condition is not improving.
:47:27. > :47:31.He needs every ounce of strength to fight the pneumonia.
:47:32. > :47:36.But he is so frail now, it is hard for him to swallow.
:47:37. > :47:42.The awful truth is that this could have been prevented.
:47:43. > :47:44.With every breath, Joffrey is fighting for his life.
:47:45. > :48:24.With every moment that passes, all his mum can do is hope.
:48:25. > :48:41.A lot of issues raised to are highly complicated but this is a simple
:48:42. > :48:46.truth, vaccinations saves lives. Vaccinations that
:48:47. > :48:48.cost as little as ?5. It would be wonderful
:48:49. > :48:49.if you could ring, go online, or text -
:48:50. > :48:56.and save someone's life tonight,
:48:57. > :48:58.while London Grammar are singing this beautiful song -
:48:59. > :49:18."Truth Is A Beautiful Thing". # To hold your heart,
:49:19. > :49:49.to hold your hand # Could you take my
:49:50. > :50:07.place and stand here? # I do not think
:50:08. > :50:14.you'd take this pain # You'll be on your knees
:50:15. > :50:22.and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would
:50:23. > :50:29.be a beautiful thing # Deep in my call you
:50:30. > :51:10.know you have a throne # To hold your heart,
:51:11. > :51:24.to hold your hand # Could you take my
:51:25. > :51:32.place and stand here? # I don't think
:51:33. > :51:40.you'll take this pain # You'll be on your knees
:51:41. > :51:43.and struggle under the weight # Oh, the truth would
:51:44. > :51:49.be a beautiful thing # Oh, the truth is
:51:50. > :52:31.a beautiful thing #. Thank you so much, the amazing
:52:32. > :52:35.Right, if you've just given ? thank you so much.
:52:36. > :52:40.Can I try to convince you that this is the moment to give?
:52:41. > :52:44.Here's the thing ? every two minutes a child dies in Africa
:52:45. > :52:49.from entirely preventable diseases and we're
:52:50. > :52:51.working to defeat that by buying lifesaving
:52:52. > :52:53.vaccines with the excellent help of the excellent
:52:54. > :52:58.Global Fund and GAVI - the Vaccine Alliance.
:52:59. > :53:02.And the amazing news is that The Bill and Melinda
:53:03. > :53:06.Gates Foundation are going to double any money
:53:07. > :53:08.we give to fighting malaria and buying vaccines
:53:09. > :53:19.Just think about what that means, OK?
:53:20. > :53:20.We think we're going to raise ?7 million
:53:21. > :53:23.for this stuff, and if we do, they're going to
:53:24. > :53:26.If you give ?10 quid ? Bill makes it ?20.
:53:27. > :53:33.If you give twenty ? Melinda makes it ?40.
:53:34. > :53:39.So please ? give now ? or at least before the end
:53:40. > :53:42.And in return we'll do our best to give
:53:43. > :53:45.And even if you're not enjoying yourself we
:53:46. > :54:02.Time for a load more guests. Move down. Sit in there. Move down, move
:54:03. > :54:35.down. Welcome. Please find your seats as
:54:36. > :54:40.quickly as possible, thank you. Put your bags in the overhead locker.
:54:41. > :54:46.There you go. I am really a glorified air hostess. We've got so
:54:47. > :54:54.many people still to come. Hello Gordon, Martine, Lenny! Hey
:54:55. > :55:07.everybody, how are you? Who just arrived? You are the newbies. We saw
:55:08. > :55:15.you earlier, Romesh. Jonathan, you were hosting, weren't you? There is
:55:16. > :55:22.a satellite delay going on. It was a chocolate by just did! You were
:55:23. > :55:30.hosting earlier? I enjoyed meeting his mum very much, I prefer her to
:55:31. > :55:34.her son. But you revealed some man on man action, Romesh? My first kiss
:55:35. > :55:39.was with a bloke, and my mum didn't know that. It was a one-off thing
:55:40. > :55:43.and the guy didn't call again. I sort of wanted to draw a line under
:55:44. > :55:48.it to be honest. What did your mother reveal about herself? She
:55:49. > :55:52.revealed that one might just after she got married she went out with my
:55:53. > :55:56.dad, they went to a party, she saw my dad talking to another woman, and
:55:57. > :56:01.in a fit of jealousy she used his toothbrush to clean the entire
:56:02. > :56:05.house. Without him knowing, obviously otherwise it's not that
:56:06. > :56:19.good a prank. Cara Delevingne, sits down. You sit down! What if I hit
:56:20. > :56:25.you from here? Snakes on a plane? Rupert, you are very welcome. This
:56:26. > :56:29.is his first appearance at Comic Relief synths, I believe, 2009? Yes,
:56:30. > :56:36.funnily enough, I never thought I'd be invited again. I was in Comic
:56:37. > :56:40.Relief four, we did this whole thing. The apprentice? The
:56:41. > :56:47.apprentice, yes. Were you in it, Jonathan? Were you asking me another
:56:48. > :56:52.question? What was that? Were you in the same apprentice as Rupert? I'd
:56:53. > :56:58.like to think so. He wasn't. I wasn't, I was with Jack Dee and
:56:59. > :57:04.various other people. I wasn't even in the one I was in. You walked out.
:57:05. > :57:11.I did. Is it true you did not know who Alan Sugar was? I hadn't been in
:57:12. > :57:15.England for ages, I did not have my contact lenses in, and I thought it
:57:16. > :57:21.was Sid James. Presumably he was dead than. But he did look like him.
:57:22. > :57:26.Easy mistake to make. Greg and Ricky, you were in this hot tub?
:57:27. > :57:35.Yes. Are you still damp? I've towelled off. OK, OK. And what was
:57:36. > :57:42.it like in the hot tub. What was it like, Ricky? It was amazing.
:57:43. > :57:48.Amazing? I honestly think they could charge up to 15 grand, they could
:57:49. > :57:53.just do that other thing everyday, go in a hot tub on the roof. It's
:57:54. > :57:56.lovely up there. The crew were not finding it funny because it is
:57:57. > :58:04.freezing. It certainly was last night. I wouldn't know. Yes you
:58:05. > :58:10.would. What did you have to do? I had to interview people in a hot tub
:58:11. > :58:14.on top of the O2 for no reason. Was there any reason? They just asked if
:58:15. > :58:18.I wanted to be involved in Comic Relief. They said I would be
:58:19. > :58:22.interviewing people. Then they told me it was in a hot tub, and I
:58:23. > :58:28.thought lovely. Then they told me it was on top of the O2. What did you
:58:29. > :58:36.wear, read key? Talc. He was terminated. It was beautiful, really
:58:37. > :58:39.nice. Tom Daley made me laugh. He came up and I said the best thing is
:58:40. > :58:45.to seem like you're confused by what we are doing here. He said, I am
:58:46. > :58:49.confused by what we're doing here. The good thing was, if you stand
:58:50. > :58:53.next to Tom Daley you feel fat and ugly. If you stand next to this guy,
:58:54. > :58:59.you feel great. While, but this harsh. I wasn't going to reveal this
:59:00. > :59:04.but I will now. I felt terrible. Ricky went underwater and came up
:59:05. > :59:06.with a mouthful of water and I felt terrible because I had been fighting
:59:07. > :59:22.like a tractor in there. I had been doing worse. You have a
:59:23. > :59:29.new film coming out. Yes, the happy Prince, the story of Oscar Wilde at
:59:30. > :59:35.the end of his life. It is out in about September. Very good. There
:59:36. > :59:40.are loads of ways to donate, but this year, Comic Relief have come up
:59:41. > :59:47.with something brilliant. It is called the Comic Relief swearing
:59:48. > :59:54.jar. In the script, it says it is going to believe my swearing but I
:59:55. > :00:02.do not trust it. It is a free app which converts your fundraising --
:00:03. > :00:09.your swearing into fundraising. I swear by it. There are words on a
:00:10. > :00:17.screen, very far-away, I am reading some of them! Can you read autocue
:00:18. > :00:26.at the end of the sofa? Yes. I had no idea it was going to be this
:00:27. > :00:31.long. While we are on the subject of phones, it is time to show our
:00:32. > :00:41.appreciation to our mobile and tech partners. Here we go. Thank you to
:00:42. > :00:49.three, Vodafone, virgin Amazon Web services, what the hell is that? Can
:00:50. > :01:00.you see that, Lenny? B team I donate, PayPal, and world play. And
:01:01. > :01:12.the thank yous does not stop there. Here is Tim Key at Ryman and Robert
:01:13. > :01:16.Pires. -- Robert Dyas. I am checking out the hive of
:01:17. > :01:19.activity. People have been buying novelty pens in their thousands
:01:20. > :01:29.whilst the teams here have been fundraising their socks off.
:01:30. > :01:42.Watch out, they bite. Directly in the buttocks. Did you get yours from
:01:43. > :01:49.Ryman 's or Robert Dyas? I wouldn't know. About Comic Relief? It has
:01:50. > :01:54.raised millions to improve the lives of the vulnerable here and in
:01:55. > :02:05.Africa. How long have you been there? Ages. About that business
:02:06. > :02:09.deal. I'm out. Goodbye, Theo, goodbye Forest Gump. So, for the
:02:10. > :02:18.magnificent effort from the team and their customers, time to say a great
:02:19. > :02:28.big thank you. How did you get back here? I live here. Thank you, Cara
:02:29. > :02:34.Delevingne. Thank you to all the lovely
:02:35. > :02:42.people at Ryman and That's an extraordinary
:02:43. > :02:50.amount and thank you to everyone at home for
:02:51. > :02:52.stocking up on pens. There's still plenty of space
:02:53. > :03:37.on my sofa so time to Saunders, and Joel Dommett.
:03:38. > :03:52.Hello. Hello. Reith hello. Hello. There is space. Get in. I will sit
:03:53. > :03:56.on the floor, Graham. Look at you. I am not sure there is any camera that
:03:57. > :04:10.can see you. But we know you are here. There you go. He has split up
:04:11. > :04:16.French and Saunders. Scandal! This is wonderful. When you came on, you
:04:17. > :04:24.said you had a gift for me. I was given this by someone else to give
:04:25. > :04:32.to you. I will open it. Is that, by any chance, supposed to be me? I'm
:04:33. > :04:41.not sure, but I think maybe it is. That is me, isn't it? I look like
:04:42. > :04:48.the picture of the dog with the picture of the dog and the picture
:04:49. > :04:55.of the dog. Ladies, well done. Have you come as something? Whoever you
:04:56. > :05:04.want me to be. You just thought, I will wear that. Lots of people could
:05:05. > :05:11.not make it so I have come as them. Shias Joan Collins, Gladys Knight,
:05:12. > :05:20.anyone. Hugh Dennis, do you have a total for me best Jamaat No. I
:05:21. > :05:27.don't. I can give you a made up number. This is the convoy that you
:05:28. > :05:35.did. Yes, but I don't have a total for that either. I have a total. You
:05:36. > :05:45.read the total. I feel bad reading it. You read the screen. If people
:05:46. > :05:51.did not see what the convoy was... Six of us, me and David the deal,
:05:52. > :05:56.Katy Brand, Reggie Yates and Russell Kane, driving supplies across Kenya
:05:57. > :06:02.and Uganda to Comic Relief projects in those countries. And the
:06:03. > :06:04.documentary was on last night. And it raised this amount of money that
:06:05. > :06:24.I'm about to read. That is amazing, half ?1 million,
:06:25. > :06:30.essentially. Joel Dommett, you know Martine McCutcheon. I feel bad that
:06:31. > :06:37.we have seated you so far apart. Didn't you get on very well when you
:06:38. > :06:47.were on Loose Women. A bit. Didn't you feel him up? Yes. That is why
:06:48. > :06:56.they have put her so far-away. Were you in the hot tub? You were in
:06:57. > :07:02.Innuendo Bingo. Yes, I ripped off my shirt and I regretted that decision.
:07:03. > :07:11.Are your abdominal muscles new? You keep getting them out. I am very
:07:12. > :07:17.shy, Graham. You lived in the jungle in your pants for three weeks. I am
:07:18. > :07:22.very lonely. I just go to the gym because I have nothing better to do.
:07:23. > :07:32.Dawn and Jennifer are now looking at you like you are meet. I am looking
:07:33. > :07:36.at his beautiful teeth. Did you buy them? They are all I ain't. Electric
:07:37. > :07:46.toothbrush, that is what you have to do. Veneers. I brush my teeth for
:07:47. > :07:52.seven hours a day, but apart from that... One of the reasons we love
:07:53. > :08:01.Comic Relief is that we are doing this and we have a laugh, and then
:08:02. > :08:10.suddenly things get very serious. It is easy to forget that Comic Relief
:08:11. > :08:14.spends millions here in the UK. Domestic violence is one of the
:08:15. > :08:15.issues we take seriously and any money you give to Knight will be
:08:16. > :09:48.taking it on. -- tonight. I can't speak for anyone else but I
:09:49. > :09:51.found that one of the most shocking films we have shown.
:09:52. > :09:54.People tonight are living in real fear, not far from you.
:09:55. > :09:57.Please ? if you can spare some cash ? with your help we can
:09:58. > :09:59.get them out of danger, and into safety.
:10:00. > :10:02.And the very good news is that HM Government is adding ?3 million
:10:03. > :10:04.to tonight's pot to help projects supporting vulnerable
:10:05. > :10:15.This is such a critical issue and your donations
:10:16. > :10:23.Now, I promised you a sofa full of celebrities,
:10:24. > :10:39.I do not know where we will put them, but please welcome Sally
:10:40. > :10:53.Phillips, Fiona Allen and Tamsin Greig. Hello. I don't know where you
:10:54. > :11:24.are sitting. There isn't really any space. Come
:11:25. > :11:30.on, budge up. I will perch up here. Oh, look, the cool kids are sitting
:11:31. > :11:34.on the back of the sofa. We were going to sit on the floor and then
:11:35. > :11:42.we thought, that's not cool. Ladies and gentlemen, culture alert. Who
:11:43. > :11:50.has come off a theatre stage? You three. What were you just doing? I
:11:51. > :11:58.was in Soho at the Wyndham Theatre. Were you really good? I was
:11:59. > :12:15.excellent. Tamsin, what are you doing? I am in 12th night with Doon
:12:16. > :12:19.Mackichan. I clown. Did anything happened to Knight, go wrong, did
:12:20. > :12:27.you forget any lines, did people die? I got a bit confused in act
:12:28. > :12:30.five but I got through it. There are five acts in it best Jamaat yes, but
:12:31. > :12:48.they are always very quick. You are at the National Theatre.
:12:49. > :12:56.Sally Phillips, Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan, smack the pony returned
:12:57. > :13:05.earlier. I don't want to stir trouble, but is it 15 years? Was it
:13:06. > :13:14.like Girls Aloud? Was there group therapy? We actually love each
:13:15. > :13:21.other, OK, thank you very much. We didn't stop working for years and we
:13:22. > :13:31.wanted a break, which we have had. 15 years! Three kids each. Was it
:13:32. > :13:36.nice to get back together? We have been kicking around ideas four-year
:13:37. > :13:42.is. That is what we do. We have come up with another one, so we just... I
:13:43. > :13:46.think of Smack The Pony as new comedy and then I hear that you have
:13:47. > :13:55.not done it for 15 years, which is a long time. Another show that
:13:56. > :14:04.everyone loved, Greenway. -- green Wing. Would it ever? Never. It is
:14:05. > :14:13.too difficult to get Olivia Colman and all those other actors. Because
:14:14. > :14:22.David has got her. David, is the culprit in Broadchurch sitting
:14:23. > :14:30.somewhere on this so far? -- on this so far. Well, Lenny is looking
:14:31. > :14:36.guilty. It must be weird, walking around in knowing. I know. I feel
:14:37. > :14:43.hugely powerful. We have filmed the end of the series, yes. We don't
:14:44. > :14:46.know while we are filming it. When you are doing an interview, you do
:14:47. > :14:55.not know if someone is lying. You don't have to do any acting.
:14:56. > :15:01.Weren't you really sick? He had a pacemaker fitted at the end of
:15:02. > :15:07.series two. I missed that bit. But you came back and you were fine? So
:15:08. > :15:16.far, we are only on episode four, don't prejudge it. Ooh. It is the
:15:17. > :15:20.last series. Does Lenny kills you? It would be terrible if that
:15:21. > :15:26.actually did happen. We've got to talk Doctor who. Once you are in it
:15:27. > :15:32.you never leave. That's it. Do you know about this extraordinary
:15:33. > :15:40.auction price? Yes. What is it? Seven people who have been doctors.
:15:41. > :15:47.What did you say? Have you been drinking? Seven of us, Sylvester
:15:48. > :15:53.McCoy, Paul McGann, me, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi, are all going to have
:15:54. > :15:59.breakfast with a Doctor Who fan. Can you imagine? Can you imagine. You
:16:00. > :16:03.can buy a ticket to be at this breakfast. There are two things, an
:16:04. > :16:12.auction with presumably some nerdy millionairess going to win. With all
:16:13. > :16:18.the people without millions. For a fiver, less than ?1 per doctor, you
:16:19. > :16:21.can get a raffle ticket, that's running until May, so you've got
:16:22. > :16:25.ages, by as many raffle tickets as you like for more chances to win and
:16:26. > :16:34.one of you gets the chance to have breakfast with us, lucky you. Well
:16:35. > :16:42.whoever gets it will enjoy it. The breakfast? I hope. Just meeting you
:16:43. > :16:47.all. They will have some kind of nerd-gasm. We will smother you with
:16:48. > :16:57.some time continuum. That sounds really wrong. Please keep calling.
:16:58. > :17:01.We've got Russell Brand joining us shortly. I know.
:17:02. > :17:04.Across the country you've all been doing your bit to help raise
:17:05. > :17:07.money for Red Nose Day, and now it's time to
:17:08. > :17:13.We have an exclusive glimpse into how the stars of BBC
:17:14. > :17:15.Three's This Country have been getting on.
:17:16. > :17:52.Comic Relief is such a great cause, and community
:17:53. > :18:02.I've done a sponsored beard shave, and everyone's doing their bit.
:18:03. > :18:03.There's fund-raising, right, and then there's
:18:04. > :18:06.Last Christmas they did a feeding the homeless thing
:18:07. > :18:09.in the village hall, and there was about 30
:18:10. > :18:10.people volunteering, there's only one homeless guy
:18:11. > :18:13.So everyone was just stood round watching Frankie
:18:14. > :18:18.He was so self-conscious, he couldn't eat anything.
:18:19. > :18:20.Yeah, and we saw him in the village later, didn't we?
:18:21. > :18:24.He was in the village, and he was eating a banana
:18:25. > :18:26.skin out of the bin, and I go, "Frank,
:18:27. > :18:30.And he was like, "I'm sorry, I'm just so much more
:18:31. > :18:37.Anyone have any change and don't want to be harsh?
:18:38. > :18:44.I think it's wonderful that Kerry and Kurtan
:18:45. > :18:49.are so passionate about Comic Relief.
:18:50. > :18:52.They can be a little bit overzealous at times, but it's just
:18:53. > :18:53.about channelling their enthusiasm in the right direction.
:18:54. > :18:55.Leonard, just bear this in mind, son?
:18:56. > :18:58.We ain't letting you of this phone box until you give
:18:59. > :19:04.Of course, some years that channelling is less
:19:05. > :19:07.successful than others, but this year, I've got them running
:19:08. > :19:24.an orange squash stall with Michael which I think will be great.
:19:25. > :19:26.The squash stall isn't going as well as hoped,
:19:27. > :19:34.because Slugs keeps drinking all the squash.
:19:35. > :19:37.Firstly, this is just getting completely out of hand, now.
:19:38. > :19:39.But I've come up with a really good idea.
:19:40. > :19:41.That's going to raise us loads of money and people
:19:42. > :19:43.are going to actually really love it.
:19:44. > :19:50.Is this the place, something about you can punch Slugs?
:19:51. > :19:53.Yeah, it's ?5 per punch or three for a tenner.
:19:54. > :19:56.You got to join the back of the queue, though, first.
:19:57. > :20:05.I think as a man of faith, that ultimately Comic Relief
:20:06. > :20:08.is a brilliant thing because it brings us all together and I can't
:20:09. > :20:13.Honesty, you are going to cack your pants when you see how
:20:14. > :20:17.Look at that, look at how much that is.
:20:18. > :20:22.This is an extraordinary amount of money.
:20:23. > :20:24.You made all this from orange squash?
:20:25. > :20:30.Oh, he's just, he needed a lie down, didn't he, I think?
:20:31. > :20:33.Wait, which Michael are you talking about?
:20:34. > :21:07.OK. It is getting busy out here. We're going to have to make room for
:21:08. > :21:18.some more guests. Please welcome my final batch of friends, Aisling Bea,
:21:19. > :21:28.Rob Beckett, Russell Brand and Louisa Malin. Hello. Nice to see
:21:29. > :21:37.you. How lovely to see you, hello. Nice to see you. How are you? Sit
:21:38. > :21:50.yourself down, very good. Welcome all, this is it. The sofa is full.
:21:51. > :21:58.What a rabble. So here we go. Have you been here all night? Hours and
:21:59. > :22:03.hours. I was just here to see Ed Sheeran, is he still hear? He went
:22:04. > :22:09.after about ten minutes. I've been on the sofa half an hour, no one
:22:10. > :22:13.noticed me. You are doing the bit after this? That's right, the now
:22:14. > :22:17.after this we are going to embrace chaos even further. Those noses will
:22:18. > :22:23.be even redder and I hope for the right reasons. You've been here all
:22:24. > :22:29.night? I have. Earlier you were wearing a miniskirt? Gold miniskirt,
:22:30. > :22:35.yes. I thought I'd get changed for you. This lovely thing is falling
:22:36. > :22:44.quite open, just to warn you. It's quite flappy at the end here. I'll
:22:45. > :22:49.give ?500 for Comic Relief. It's a code but I really like it as
:22:50. > :22:54.address, I thought, Comic Relief, why not? Because it's not really
:22:55. > :23:00.address. It hasn't quite shot at the front. Rob Beckett, lovely to see
:23:01. > :23:05.you. Nobody told me I was doing this, I've had six pints, I'm in a
:23:06. > :23:10.bad way. I didn't have dinner. I just want to get through this. That
:23:11. > :23:16.was a rookie error. Was not informed of my appearance. I thought they had
:23:17. > :23:23.enough guests. You were wrong. You guys work together now? We work it
:23:24. > :23:29.boots on the weekend, yes. We also do eight out of ten Cats. We are not
:23:30. > :23:36.allowed to mention brands. We work for all chemists across the UK.
:23:37. > :23:41.Lloyds, Superdrug. That's the big three. It's the end of the night.
:23:42. > :23:50.How do we climaxed the show? How do we find a peak for the sofa? I don't
:23:51. > :23:56.think I'm the peak. You really are. Rob Beckett, Cara Delevingne earlier
:23:57. > :24:03.did a beautiful thing with a bottle. What did she do with a bottle? You
:24:04. > :24:09.can watch it on my player. You have a special skill with a banana? Which
:24:10. > :24:14.skill, because one of them I can't do on telly. There's another one I
:24:15. > :24:22.can. I was hoping for the one involving your feet. Oh yes, I can.
:24:23. > :24:29.I used to work at a flower market. I can peel a banana with my feet. Yay,
:24:30. > :24:36.let's see it. This is the grading, isn't it? Do you know what's really
:24:37. > :24:41.degrading, being live on telly, absolute silence as you take your
:24:42. > :24:45.shoes and socks off. You shouldn't have a jumper, jacket, and your
:24:46. > :24:50.shoes and socks off. Just shove the table out of the way. I never
:24:51. > :24:55.thought Doctor Who would move the table so I could peel a banana. Here
:24:56. > :25:09.we go. Oh my God. It's like planet Earth. My feet are a bit sweaty.
:25:10. > :25:21.You're there. Ooh, there it is! Yes! Yay! I was going to pass it to
:25:22. > :25:27.Rambo, he could have done a split with it. Was that the peak? Russell,
:25:28. > :25:31.who will be on in the next hour? Spencer Jones, is absolutely
:25:32. > :25:38.fantastic, a trio, it's going to be insane. Jade Adams.
:25:39. > :25:52.I don't know how we will top a man peeling fruit. Get a pineapple, I
:25:53. > :25:56.appeal it. What? Can you really? I'd be delighted if you could. I can
:25:57. > :26:03.check if it's right. Leave it. It's not ready yet. Charities, helping
:26:04. > :26:07.charities, if that doesn't warm your cockles, I don't know what will.
:26:08. > :26:10.We sent Blake Harrison down to Oxfam to say a massive thank
:26:11. > :26:12.you and to annoy the hell out of Margaret.
:26:13. > :26:20.Oxfam have sold red noses from when it all started and this year is no
:26:21. > :26:28.different except now they are selling ten different varieties of
:26:29. > :26:32.them. Looking good, Margaret. We need you to go out back to get some
:26:33. > :26:39.more red noses. I didn't think I'd be working very hard, thought I
:26:40. > :26:47.could hang round the front and do some selfies. No, yeah, I'll go to
:26:48. > :26:51.the back. Margaret. Well this is an impressive storeroom. Bit empty,
:26:52. > :26:59.though. At least here there are no old ladies giving orders, no little
:27:00. > :27:05.gadgets from those falls in Cuba on. Q Branch? Not been to that shop,
:27:06. > :27:11.yet. But any more of these? They are Margaret's favourite. So what's
:27:12. > :27:28.yours? I don't really have one. Name it. OK, I guess this one is pretty
:27:29. > :27:34.good. Let me show you something. Your story manager is a bit intense,
:27:35. > :27:44.isn't he? About that great big thank you, ready, everyone? Thank you.
:27:45. > :27:48.Coming up soon - if I'm satisfied with the amount
:27:49. > :27:50.of money raised - the alarming Ed Sheeran
:27:51. > :28:05.But time now for a gorgeous little film from Russell Howard.
:28:06. > :28:13.Comic Relief and Germany have been fighting malaria for years. You have
:28:14. > :28:19.saved millions of lives. Remember that ?10 buys four life-saving
:28:20. > :28:24.malaria nets, that's four people. Get your phone and computer out. If
:28:25. > :28:36.you want to stop malaria in your tracks, give what you can.
:28:37. > :28:43.With your help, the number of people dying from malaria each year has
:28:44. > :28:48.been dramatically reduced. Malaria is still one of the biggest killers
:28:49. > :28:57.of children under five. Even though it is preventable and treatable.
:28:58. > :29:00.This is the children's ward in one of Malawi's biggest hospitals. Most
:29:01. > :29:06.of the children here are suffering from malaria. The problem is so
:29:07. > :29:19.consuming, there aren't enough beds to go round. This little girl is
:29:20. > :29:26.just 13 months old. She laughs, cries, and like many children of her
:29:27. > :29:31.age, she's learned to walk. Her mother Mary is desperately poor.
:29:32. > :29:37.There aren't any malaria testing kits in her village. So she's had no
:29:38. > :29:43.choice but to walk for three hours carrying her daughter to the nearest
:29:44. > :29:50.hospital. All the time her little girl's blood was being destroyed by
:29:51. > :30:07.malarial parasites. She is now very, very sick. Doctor Columbo is doing
:30:08. > :30:24.everything he can to save her. But suddenly she stops breathing.
:30:25. > :30:29.If only she had been diagnosed even a day earlier she might not now be
:30:30. > :31:02.fighting for her life. Children like this don't have to die
:31:03. > :31:09.this way. A rapid malaria test costs 30p. Just 30p. ?30 you give will pay
:31:10. > :31:59.for 100 children to be diagnosed. That is a really tough, tough film.
:32:00. > :32:03.We make no apologies because every phone call, donation, text message
:32:04. > :32:13.will buy nets that will save lives. To give ?10, text in.
:32:14. > :32:15.Now we have one of the greatest living female singers.
:32:16. > :32:18.And while she sings, we'll show you some of the happiness your
:32:19. > :32:38.Ladies and gents - the incredible Emeli Sande.
:32:39. > :33:27.# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby
:33:28. > :33:47.# And we've run out of all the silver and gold
:33:48. > :33:54.# Will you still wanna be my someone to hold?
:33:55. > :34:22.# I'm talking 'bout the forever, baby
:34:23. > :34:34.I'm certain that there's no other
:34:35. > :34:36.# It's banging in my heart like thunder
:34:37. > :34:38.# I know I was made to love you
:34:39. > :35:53.Thank you to so much to the wonderful Emeli Sande.
:35:54. > :35:58.It's getting late, but there's still loads of ways you can donate.
:35:59. > :36:00.All you need to do is call 03457 910 910.
:36:01. > :36:10.Thank you so much for giving - and thank you so much
:36:11. > :36:13.to all my amazing guests who haven't moaned once about being squished
:36:14. > :36:17.But before I hand things over to the lanky louche loqacious legend
:36:18. > :36:20.that is Russell Brand for an hour of the best live comedy the country
:36:21. > :36:24.has to offer, let's have a look at how much money we've raised
:36:25. > :36:52.It is 69,000,337 and ?12! That makes it all worthwhile, wow.
:36:53. > :36:55.What an amazing amount of money, thank you, everyone.
:36:56. > :37:02.And that isn't even the total couple. All the fund-raising events
:37:03. > :37:05.across the nation still have to be counted, so that is just the
:37:06. > :37:07.beginning. We are going to make millions more.
:37:08. > :37:13.But sadly, I don't think we have made enough money
:37:14. > :37:16.to show the Kurupt FM video? ahhh, what a shame? I'm only
:37:17. > :37:20.With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran?With
:37:21. > :37:23.With their debut collaboration, it's Kurupt FM and Ed Sheeran,
:37:24. > :37:25.with possibly the best music video
:37:26. > :37:43.It's all going to be very tasteful and actually really sexy, OK?
:37:44. > :37:45.Now, I've only rented this place for an hour,
:37:46. > :37:54.Come on, Ed, mate. Trying to do a shoot here.
:37:55. > :37:58.Yeah, it's not all about you, Ed. Jesus Christ.
:37:59. > :38:07.# We could change this whole world with a piano.
:38:08. > :38:10.# Grab a bass, some guitar, add a beat.
:38:11. > :38:15.# I'm just a boy with a one-man show.
:38:16. > :38:22.# Everybody's talking 'bout exponential growth.
:38:23. > :38:25.# And the stock market crashing in their portfolios.
:38:26. > :38:28.# While I'll be sitting here with a song that I wrote
:38:29. > :38:39.Let's take it to Africa! song that I wrote...
:38:40. > :38:42.Some of them are like, some of them are like hey
:38:43. > :38:47.And check out the stars on my rogue MC
:38:48. > :38:57.This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey
:38:58. > :38:59.My little kiddy flight, you can tell I'm nonstop
:39:00. > :39:01.What's that in the sky, it's a helicopter
:39:02. > :39:02.Dropping off vinyls, merch and caps
:39:03. > :39:10.But first of all you need electricity
:39:11. > :39:13.Don't worry, I'm on the case Cos here he comes on the escalator
:39:14. > :39:16.It's a generator from Brentford to Africa.
:39:17. > :39:18.# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon
:39:19. > :39:22.And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.
:39:23. > :39:24.# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved
:39:25. > :39:28.And when I'm on the mic I'm lyrically cold.
:39:29. > :39:30.# Ain't got a soapbox I can stand upon
:39:31. > :39:34.And I hold the microphone like a lyrical gun.
:39:35. > :39:36.# Daddy told me son, don't you get involved.
:39:37. > :39:38.Cos when I'm on the mic, I'm lyrically pure, Kuruption!
:39:39. > :39:41.Some of them are like, some of them are like hey
:39:42. > :39:45.And check out the stars on my rogue MC
:39:46. > :39:55.This ain't apartheid, it's a party some of them are like hey
:39:56. > :39:58.All the ladies, all the girls Come help me and feed the world
:39:59. > :40:02.Help me teach the females how to wind
:40:03. > :40:06.Listen to the rhyme and wind and deliver
:40:07. > :40:08.Don't be sad cos you ain't had your dinner
:40:09. > :40:10.Just turn up the bass and raise your gun finger
:40:11. > :40:12.Killing killing them, dressed like a militant
:40:13. > :40:14.Owning the mic on the back of an elephant
:40:15. > :40:22.Listen to the UK G message we spread
:40:23. > :40:24.On the Kurupt FM, the rest are irrelevant
:40:25. > :40:28.I wanna be president So all of the people can represent
:40:29. > :40:32.Turn your water into champers And tell you it's original skankers
:40:33. > :40:34.I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper
:40:35. > :40:35.Turn your water into champers
:40:36. > :40:39.And tell you it's original skankers...
:40:40. > :40:43.I mean, this is offensive, this is offensive.
:40:44. > :40:46.Eddie, we've still got the spear throwing scene.
:40:47. > :41:02.I'm a lyrical panther I'm in a pet now pamper
:41:03. > :41:11.And tell you it's original skankers...
:41:12. > :41:14.So when this camera switches off, that's not the end of it for me.
:41:15. > :41:21.I'm going to make sure I dig in my pocket and help out some
:41:22. > :41:23.of the people I've met and put roofs over people's heads,
:41:24. > :41:30.And I hope by you watching this, your connection with it doesn't end
:41:31. > :41:34.If you could donate one quid, two quid, five quid, ten quid,
:41:35. > :41:37.20 quid, even 100 quid, anything will make a difference
:41:38. > :41:40.to put kids like this all over the world into school
:41:41. > :41:47.Anything you can give will make a real
:41:48. > :41:55.Please call 03457 910 910, or go to BBC.co.uk/RedNoseDay.
:41:56. > :42:15.Well done, well done! That is fabulous!
:42:16. > :42:19.I'm afraid my sofa is finally full, and that means
:42:20. > :42:21.we've almost reached the end of my Big Chat Live.
:42:22. > :42:31.I need to say a big thank you to all my guests.
:42:32. > :42:35.And thank you to everyone at home for watching
:42:36. > :42:45.But the evening isn't over yet, there is still so much
:42:46. > :42:47.great stuff to come, including Russell Brand and his Stand Off,
:42:48. > :42:50.featuring some of the best live talent in the
:42:51. > :42:51.country, and Fantastic Beats and Where to Find
:42:52. > :42:54.Them ? our incredible look back at the funniest
:42:55. > :42:57.music moments in Comic Relief history.
:42:58. > :42:59.So, don't go anywhere, they're coming up shortly.
:43:00. > :43:05.And, in case you missed it earlier, it's time to revisit James
:43:06. > :43:08.Corden and Take That for a Red Nose Day Carpool
:43:09. > :43:23.I thought we were going to drive around, have some fun.
:43:24. > :43:26.I don't care if he's asleep, go and wake him up!
:43:27. > :43:52.Take That, Carpool Karaoke for Comic Relief.
:43:53. > :44:00.# I don't know what you're waiting for
:44:01. > :44:05.# Your time is coming, don't be late, hey, hey
:44:06. > :44:08.# So, come on, see the light on your face
:44:09. > :44:11.# Let it shine, just let it shi-i-ine.
:44:12. > :44:45.This is the first time I've spent any real time with you as a three.
:44:46. > :44:55.I figured out that if I leave, I think Gary and Mark
:44:56. > :45:03.I think if you leave, Howard, it's Robson and Jerome.
:45:04. > :45:12.to be here now in this car is unreal for me.
:45:13. > :45:18.# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives...
:45:19. > :45:39.# And the world comes alive, oh, oh, oh
:45:40. > :45:49.# Watch the world come alive tonight
:45:50. > :46:17.How has touring changed now compared to what it was like in the '90s?
:46:18. > :46:24.I don't know what it's like for you guys, but sometimes,
:46:25. > :46:29.You've got families, you've got a home life.
:46:30. > :46:32.We're meeting people before you go on.
:46:33. > :46:36.Sometimes, I can't wait to get on there for a bit of peace.
:46:37. > :46:38.Because it's two hours when no one...
:46:39. > :46:42.It's two hours where I put my ears in and it's just me,
:46:43. > :46:46.my brothers and the audience, and it's brilliant.
:46:47. > :46:49.I almost don't want to come off, because I know I'm going back
:46:50. > :46:54.They're the same people, but they're all older.
:46:55. > :46:57.So where they used to throw bras and underwear, now,
:46:58. > :47:04.Well, it used to be teddies we used to get thrown.
:47:05. > :47:08.Do you have a creche, a Take That creche?
:47:09. > :47:10.That would be a real moneyspinner, I think.
:47:11. > :47:22.Everything Changes During The Menopause.
:47:23. > :47:59.# As I looked away, I saw a face behind you
:48:00. > :48:12.# And when I looked again, I saw his face was shining
:48:13. > :48:33.I thought of a quiz that you could play.
:48:34. > :48:39.So you pick one or leave one, which of the two?
:48:40. > :48:51.When was the last time you had a full English?
:48:52. > :49:00.The problem with me is, if I start eating food like that,
:49:01. > :49:13.I keep this photo of you, Howard, in the car at all times.
:49:14. > :49:16.I keep it in the car at all times, just for me.
:49:17. > :49:32.I'd have lights on, though, with that body, wouldn't you?
:49:33. > :49:38.With that body, my lights would be on all the time.
:49:39. > :50:14.# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone.
:50:15. > :50:17.# As hot as the sun, as hard as a stone
:50:18. > :50:29.Howard's dreads, or Gary's bleached hair?
:50:30. > :50:42.I stayed at his mansion, like Disneyland.
:50:43. > :50:49.And because I was staying there and I had my dreadlocks, he put
:50:50. > :51:02.# Never forget where you're coming from
:51:03. > :51:15.# Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream