:00:00. > :00:34.I'm back on television after a crazy year. We're going to make this last
:00:35. > :00:40.hour crazy, is that right? You are incredibly enthusiastic, as I make
:00:41. > :00:45.my way back into the mainstream, getting back into your affections
:00:46. > :00:49.after bringing down the government. I'm going to find my way back into
:00:50. > :00:55.all of your hearts. I have been trying to keep it mellow. The first
:00:56. > :01:01.thing that happened to me... Has the mic been pulled already?! Thank God!
:01:02. > :01:07.I thought from the very first seconds, I had been cast off the
:01:08. > :01:10.airwaves! They sat me down to a man peeling a banana with his feet, and
:01:11. > :01:16.a woman wearing a coat with no knickers. How are we meant to keep
:01:17. > :01:18.this together?! Chaos could be unleashed at any moment!
:01:19. > :01:21.Over the next hour, we'll be entertaining you with the finest
:01:22. > :01:39.Surrounding me now in the rip-off of Jools Holland' situation, let's face
:01:40. > :01:42.it, we have... Just hear, and my excitement is building for this, we
:01:43. > :01:52.have the Brett Domino Trio! And over here, we are very
:01:53. > :01:54.lucky to be joined by You're probably wondering why
:01:55. > :02:25.everyone's applauding The real Nish Kumar is rushing to
:02:26. > :02:34.London to be here. These are crazy days, be careful. And amidst this
:02:35. > :02:38.mayhem, I will be trying to seduce you into giving a little cash for
:02:39. > :02:42.the job of saving actual lives. But, to get things started, please
:02:43. > :02:57.welcome our first act tonight. Let me just say something to Twitter
:02:58. > :03:02.before I start. Number one, I'm on the large side, it wasn't a mistake.
:03:03. > :03:07.Number two, I look ridiculous, also not a mistake. Number three, they
:03:08. > :03:15.say you are what you eat, but I do not remember eating a goddess. As
:03:16. > :03:18.performers, we cover every year to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Last
:03:19. > :03:22.year, I travelled on something called a megabucks gold, heard of
:03:23. > :03:26.it? For those of you with disposable incomes, I will explain what it is.
:03:27. > :03:31.It's like the Orient express except that everyone carries their stuff in
:03:32. > :03:34.bin bags and you might get fingered on it. When I was booking this, I
:03:35. > :03:37.thought to myself that I would be travelling up the motorway in a
:03:38. > :03:41.four-poster bed, but it was more like a coffin with curtains of a
:03:42. > :03:47.mass grave of bankers. There were some other people on the Megabus
:03:48. > :03:52.gold. There were these four lads. Let's not call them lads. There were
:03:53. > :03:57.these four fucks. And when we were trying to get some sleep at 2am,
:03:58. > :04:00.they decided to make noise on their iPhones. Have you heard that noise
:04:01. > :04:06.without the headphones? The music is never any fucking good. Sorry for
:04:07. > :04:14.swearing, mum. They were making a noise not dissimilar to this. Ready?
:04:15. > :04:27.Had enough yet? Thanks. Another white person beatboxing on the BBC.
:04:28. > :04:30.It has never happened before. On the other side of the Megabus gold, we
:04:31. > :04:33.have some other people, let's call them British people. They didn't
:04:34. > :04:37.like what they were doing, so instead of doing something about it,
:04:38. > :04:38.they were making a noise that I find infinitely more annoying than that.
:04:39. > :04:52.Get a load of this noise. And I was losing my fucking mind in
:04:53. > :04:57.the middle. So I decided as the voice of the people, as they call me
:04:58. > :05:02.in my hometown of Japan, I would do something. I got out of the sanitary
:05:03. > :05:05.towel they gave me to sleep on and in this re-enactment, you are going
:05:06. > :05:14.to play the four fucks. Wake up. Have you had a lot to drink? I went
:05:15. > :05:18.over to the fucks, I am swearing a lot, it's just nerves. I went to
:05:19. > :05:22.them and said, hi, boys, is it quite all right on this journey if we
:05:23. > :05:25.could turn off our mobile phones? Like many people who have read the
:05:26. > :05:29.Guardian before me, I thought my patronising tone would work on these
:05:30. > :05:38.youths. But they turned round to me and you know what they said? No,
:05:39. > :05:42.fuck off, you fat bitch. Normally, I have heard it said before. I stand
:05:43. > :05:47.with the perpetrator on the street and I make them feel ashamed and
:05:48. > :05:52.upset about whatever led them to this behaviour. I didn't have time
:05:53. > :05:56.for that, I was on the Megabus Gold. Instead, I remembered that I had a
:05:57. > :05:58.suitcase full of props and costumes and other things. But I had
:05:59. > :06:02.something else that I got the previous Christmas, something you
:06:03. > :06:06.might have had before to help in such a situation. And that is a
:06:07. > :06:12.battery-powered boom box. And I thought to myself, if these four
:06:13. > :06:13.fucks were going to play their music, then I was going to play my
:06:14. > :06:34.music. Can I have my track, please? That's quite low, I don't have
:06:35. > :06:52.testicles, so that is quite impressive.
:06:53. > :06:55.# Nella tua fredda stanza guardi le stelle
:06:56. > :07:01.# Che tremano d'amore e di speranza...
:07:02. > :07:42.# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun sapra!
:07:43. > :07:56.The rest of the bus loved it all stopped I thought I was going to be
:07:57. > :08:17.a viral superstar. That is Italian for silence.
:08:18. > :09:23.CHEERING. What actually happened was that I missed my stop and ended up
:09:24. > :09:31.in Glasgow. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much!
:09:32. > :09:33.That was the brilliant Jayde Adams, who I'll be
:09:34. > :09:45.Bringing opera and using her vagina to modulate her voice. What could be
:09:46. > :09:48.more entertaining? Weaver share how she did that with you. Keep
:09:49. > :09:53.donating. Let's keep the Momentum going. Let's transcend to another
:09:54. > :09:56.dimension. Please welcome Spencer
:09:57. > :10:28.Jones as The Herbert! # She's got me working
:10:29. > :11:22.all my days, days, days, days. # She's got me working
:11:23. > :12:04.all my days, days, days, days. "What Is he?" Thank you, good night,
:12:05. > :12:21.thank you. "He Was a bit short, wasn't he?"
:12:22. > :12:34.That is permanent marker. Can we go swimming, dad? Not for a couple of
:12:35. > :13:22.weeks. # I like to clean the floor.
:13:23. > :13:28.# Dirty floor. # I've been a dirty floor.
:13:29. > :13:32.# Yeah, you have. # I need cleaning.
:13:33. > :13:34.# Yeah, you do. # What you've gone a cleanly with?
:13:35. > :14:12.# With my mouth! Evil penis. What you scheming, evil
:14:13. > :14:28.penis? Oh, nothing. It's over there. It's coming! I've run out of stuff.
:14:29. > :14:40.Can I use that? You know, the old... All right, mate? That's going.
:14:41. > :14:56.That's got to go. That's got to stay. It's the floor.
:14:57. > :15:14.Thank you very much, have a lovely evening!
:15:15. > :15:18.Erotic and profound and unusual, what a peculiar man, somehow
:15:19. > :15:21.summarising everything that is great about this country in one wonderful
:15:22. > :15:26.moment. It is great to be reminded that Britain is a wonderful place
:15:27. > :15:30.full of love, peculiarity, oddity and an evil penis that it seemed to
:15:31. > :15:34.redeem itself over the course of the narrative. This is one of those
:15:35. > :15:39.moments in Comic Relief that we love and embrace and accept, where we
:15:40. > :15:41.have to move from an amusing, crazy moment like that to the serious
:15:42. > :15:48.function of the evening. film I need you all
:15:49. > :15:52.to pay attention to. The greatest killer of young men
:15:53. > :15:55.under 35 in this country is suicide. And our job ? and the thing
:15:56. > :15:59.your money can do - is try to head that despair off
:16:00. > :16:02.at the pass. is an actual transcript of an actual
:16:03. > :16:06.typed conversation on a website that that is there when no-one
:16:07. > :16:11.else is there to help. That young man survived
:16:12. > :18:49.because of money you gave. I do think it's an incredible thing
:18:50. > :19:06.we're involved in here. You don't know who is being affected
:19:07. > :19:10.by these things, but we do know that if we make a donation tonight, these
:19:11. > :19:14.are the kind of things we are supporting. I think that has
:19:15. > :19:17.demonstrated very clearly what we are doing. I have to make a radical
:19:18. > :19:20.change of direction now. I'm surrounded by young
:19:21. > :19:21.comedians just being funny. But in the middle of it,
:19:22. > :19:25.if you just find one minute to go online, text,
:19:26. > :19:28.ring ? some person you don't know will suddenly have a lifeline
:19:29. > :19:36.when there is no other lifeline. So, here we are, being ridiculous,
:19:37. > :19:38.there's people here using their genitals for our amusement, but
:19:39. > :19:43.also, we're raising money. Or you can go to
:19:44. > :19:58.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday And look - if you're watching right
:19:59. > :20:02.now and feeling life is just too hard but you can't face telling
:20:03. > :20:08.those you love, then organisations like Calm supported by Comic Relief
:20:09. > :20:11.could be really helpful. By picking up the phone or sitting
:20:12. > :20:14.at a laptop and chatting online, you can talk to someone in total
:20:15. > :20:24.confidence who can help you. Now that we have done that, we have
:20:25. > :20:28.been sincere and serious, we can elegantly move to the is
:20:29. > :20:33.extraordinary people. You have dashed here, haven't you?
:20:34. > :20:40.Temporarily, you were replaced by a cardboard cutout. You missed that
:20:41. > :20:47.lovely moment, and you used your vagina to reach some high notes? I
:20:48. > :20:53.did. I must say, to see someone using their vagina so artfully was a
:20:54. > :20:59.joy for me. I agree! You're a man that lives very much on the edge. I
:21:00. > :21:05.thought I was going to die, I had to get a motorbike taxi here! It would
:21:06. > :21:10.have been unfortunate this evening to have had to announce your death,
:21:11. > :21:14.but we would have found a way around it. Let's face it, that is what we
:21:15. > :21:18.do here, we embrace the tragic but also the beautiful and the joyful.
:21:19. > :21:23.Would you say that is true? I would say so. You feel more relaxed now
:21:24. > :21:28.you have formed, don't you? I am well chilled. And what about you,
:21:29. > :21:34.you have come through the London streets on a motorbike? I have never
:21:35. > :21:40.felt more composed in my god damn life! Is really composed! How about
:21:41. > :21:45.you fellas, are you feeling all right this evening? Evidently. You
:21:46. > :21:50.are Daphne collectively, but you have individual lives as well, I
:21:51. > :21:57.assume? Not really, not me. You have just immersed yourself totally into
:21:58. > :22:03.Daphne? Yes. You don't think these guys are milking you, exploiting
:22:04. > :22:08.you? No, they've got important work to do, I just carry the bags. That's
:22:09. > :22:12.the kind of compassion Comic Relief is built on. If you can extend some
:22:13. > :22:19.of that Russian this evening, and compassion, this young man being a
:22:20. > :22:23.butler to his associates. And Nish has come here on a motorbike. Amat
:22:24. > :22:29.relief is just about the best thing we have got in this country, isn't
:22:30. > :22:34.it? We come here under the symbol of this red nose to find love and joy.
:22:35. > :22:37.I agree. I think we have taken everything we can from this
:22:38. > :22:43.conversation. I think future generations... Possibly extra
:22:44. > :22:47.terrestrial alien nations from the future will transcribe this, and let
:22:48. > :22:52.this be the Bible. Daphne, we'll be seeing you later. Without further
:22:53. > :23:00.ado, follow me over here. We have got some exciting information for
:23:01. > :23:02.you. These young men, they call themselves the Brett Domino Trio,
:23:03. > :23:03.but mathematically, they are at odds with reality. Please welcome the
:23:04. > :24:20.Brett Domino Trio! Welcome them! # I am boombastic... Thanks very
:24:21. > :24:29.much! That was us. I don't know how much of that you heard. I estimate
:24:30. > :24:36.about 10%. But believe me, it was all there. Me and Steve here, we
:24:37. > :24:52.heard it all. That was Shaggy, Boombastic. Anybody recognise that
:24:53. > :24:56.sample? It was an exciting time to be a television gardener. That was
:24:57. > :25:01.Alan Titchmarsh am I who did that. Lads, I have come here under
:25:02. > :25:04.considerable duress to complete your Treo, momentarily, but also to tell
:25:05. > :25:10.you that due to technical problems, we need you to start again. Don't be
:25:11. > :25:14.downhearted, particularly not you, you look like a young man who lives
:25:15. > :25:17.on the edge. Can you consider that? We're just going to pretend that
:25:18. > :25:26.nothing happened. In a way, nothing has happened. In a way. You just
:25:27. > :25:28.crack on, refresh yourselves just in they're going to provide such
:25:29. > :25:38.enthusiasm that it be difficult for you to...
:25:39. > :25:41.APPLAUSE I'm not sure how this works,
:25:42. > :25:53.television-wise. But we're going to do it. Just going to get it... This
:25:54. > :26:03.is us. Thank you! It was an exciting... Just attend that didn't
:26:04. > :26:09.happen. We'll just keep pretending things don't happen until something
:26:10. > :26:14.actually happens. Comic Relief was meant to be more crazy and mental
:26:15. > :26:16.this year, we've obviously overcompensated, it's gone too far,
:26:17. > :26:22.we've allowed the forces of chaos in, and your Treo has suffered. But
:26:23. > :26:30.you've got it in you to make this live. Don't recoil from me,
:26:31. > :26:36.sunshine, I know Judy -- I know jujitsu, I can hold you down, I can
:26:37. > :26:39.open every orifice in your body! These are the kind of moments that
:26:40. > :26:42.go viral. Let's do this thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for
:26:43. > :27:13.the Brett Domino Trio! # Mr lover, lover, ooh
:27:14. > :27:16.# Smooth, soft and cuddly like a quilt
:27:17. > :27:25.# I'm in the recall lover with my sexual physique
:27:26. > :27:31.# Can't you tell, I'm just like a turtle coming out of a shall
:27:32. > :27:37.# I love your sweet smell and you're the only younger who can ring my
:27:38. > :27:45.bell # They call me Mr Boombastic,
:27:46. > :27:57.fantastic # That's it, thanks very much. Thank
:27:58. > :28:03.you! Make them do it once more! No! That's enough! That shows what
:28:04. > :28:08.endurance and persistence can achieve. Well done, lads, fantastic
:28:09. > :28:13.stuff just in a minute, we're going to be seeing some fantastic acts.
:28:14. > :28:18.Now, Specsavers has become involved in this operation, and these glasses
:28:19. > :28:23.represent I think that connection between us and Specsavers. But I'm
:28:24. > :28:50.suspicious of this item. Specsavers have been busy selling
:28:51. > :28:56.these amazing glasses to give all of us a good laugh. Whilst I am here,
:28:57. > :29:06.can make it a quick eye test? Of course. Wait, that's the wrong room.
:29:07. > :29:15.Oh, I really do need an eye test. This is end of the. It's our loading
:29:16. > :29:18.programme. We can load anything from loading equipment... Grant at what I
:29:19. > :29:24.need is an eye test. I'm supposed to be filming for Comic Relief. This is
:29:25. > :29:31.the world that you know. Aren't they brilliant? So what is the point of
:29:32. > :29:37.this room again? To change a human being into this. OK, actually
:29:38. > :29:42.freaking me out a little bit now, I think I'm done ago. Right, back to
:29:43. > :29:53.reality. Ready, everyone? One, two, three... Thank you!
:29:54. > :29:58.Thanks to Specsavers and everybody who works there for their
:29:59. > :30:01.contribution, and to everybody who has bought these glasses, thank you
:30:02. > :30:14.very much. Now, you will be astonished to learn that the Brett
:30:15. > :30:20.Domino trio have not actually finish to their act! That contribution from
:30:21. > :30:26.Specsavers of more than ?600, that seems like an incredible figure.
:30:27. > :30:33.Let's go back to the Brett Domino Trio now, and I promise you that
:30:34. > :30:38.we're not going to young men until they are carried out shoulder high.
:30:39. > :30:47.Please keep your attention strained upon the Brett Domino Trio!
:30:48. > :30:57.It's been a tough old night for everybody.
:30:58. > :31:04.Hi, we are the Brett Domino Trio. Did that go out on telly twice, or
:31:05. > :31:08.was it just for you guys? I apologise to everyone at home if
:31:09. > :31:12.they had to sit through that twice, once instrumental and once with my
:31:13. > :31:16.vocals. It was essentially the same song. You got the gist of it anyway.
:31:17. > :31:22.You have heard it twice now, and that is good. We deliberately played
:31:23. > :31:26.half of it, because we were aware we had a short set time. We are still
:31:27. > :31:29.aware that we have only got five minutes on the clock, so we are
:31:30. > :31:39.going to crack on and keep this as punchy as we can. You having a good
:31:40. > :31:43.time? Lovely stuff. Sorry, the visuals have gone wrong here. They
:31:44. > :31:48.shouldn't be this garden behind us, but it's there, so enjoy it. On my
:31:49. > :31:55.right is the drummer of the band, Stephen. That's enough, we have to
:31:56. > :32:04.keep it brief, Steve. My name is Brett Domino. I played a keytar. We
:32:05. > :32:09.are going to play a song and keep it brief. It is a classical piece of
:32:10. > :32:12.music you will all recognise, originally instrumental. I have
:32:13. > :32:16.written some lyrics to it. It's a love song. Sing along if you know
:32:17. > :32:51.the words. # You, you're the one for me.
:32:52. > :32:59.# My knees go weak when you're near. # I fear for my heart and brain.
:33:00. > :33:06.# Never make me cry, baby. # I just want your love, and I will
:33:07. > :33:12.give all my love back to you. # Baby, if you're down, you can be
:33:13. > :33:18.my sunshine right through the clouds.
:33:19. > :33:27.# When I see you, my heart goes... # And when I'm with you, I feel like
:33:28. > :33:52.ba ba ba dap ba. OK, everybody. Everybody!
:33:53. > :34:01.# You, you're the one for me. # My knees go weak.
:34:02. > :34:07.# When you're near, and I feel my heart, my brain.
:34:08. > :34:14.# If you ever pass me by... You all know the words.
:34:15. > :34:23.# I just want your love, and I will give all my love back to you.
:34:24. > :34:26.# Baby, you can be my sunshine right through the clouds.
:34:27. > :34:31.# When I'm with you, my heart goes...
:34:32. > :34:37.# And when I'm with you, I feel like ba ba ba dap ba.
:34:38. > :34:40.# Girl, you're the one, just say you'll be mine. Thanks very much.
:34:41. > :34:51.Good night. That was the Brett Domino Trio, in
:34:52. > :34:55.instalments, and they still triumphed. That is what this night
:34:56. > :35:01.of chaos and Comic Relief is about. Well done, lads. They endured, those
:35:02. > :35:06.young people. Let's move on. Remember to keep donating. I would
:35:07. > :35:14.say this is incredible entertainment. Yeah, it's awesome.
:35:15. > :35:17.It's sick. A young person's contribution. I am excited about
:35:18. > :35:23.this act over here. Let's introduce her politely. We will allow her to
:35:24. > :35:30.do her entire act and then applaud and appreciate her, not constantly
:35:31. > :35:32.ransack her. Please welcome, for the entirety of her act, the fantastic
:35:33. > :35:44.Lou Sanders, everyone! Thanks, guys! Nest to be here. My
:35:45. > :35:48.nephews did a fundraiser for Comic Relief this week, and they had to do
:35:49. > :35:50.short stories in assembly. So I wrote them a story to take in. I
:35:51. > :35:55.bought with me. This is a murder mystery ? it's
:35:56. > :35:58.like a short whodunnit. Actually, I wasn't that
:35:59. > :36:07.academic at school, but I've Even now, I'm always asking
:36:08. > :36:17.life's big questions ? like the other day I was thinking,
:36:18. > :36:29.what if, all this If you were shaggy's wife, you would
:36:30. > :36:33.have a few trust issues. I read a statistic the other day.
:36:34. > :36:48.That's outrageous, cos I have not received a penny.
:36:49. > :36:52.We're all weirdos, really, and I think there's too
:36:53. > :36:58.I was in a car park the other day and a woman
:36:59. > :37:00.was breastfeeding her baby, but you could tell she
:37:01. > :37:09.Which made me really sad and thought "How can I help here?"
:37:10. > :37:14.So I stood next to her and I breastfed my flatmate, Darren.
:37:15. > :37:21.I'm happy, she's happy, Darren's happy.
:37:22. > :37:28.My boyfriend is not happy. No, I haven't got a boyfriend because I'm
:37:29. > :37:28.too busy writing Oscar Pistorius stories.
:37:29. > :37:31.I was thinking the other day about my ex-boyfriends
:37:32. > :37:35.and what they all have in common and I think it's that, well, one,
:37:36. > :37:42.Oh, that reminds me, I should tell you my fave STD joke.
:37:43. > :37:52.This is the one my mum said not to do.
:37:53. > :37:55.I heard on the radio the other day that STDs were spreading.
:37:56. > :37:58.I thought, "You're telling me, it's spread all the way
:37:59. > :38:12.Thank you. Yes, do donate. I'm going to leave you all with some tips.
:38:13. > :38:15.I usually have a little jingle here, but I guess I'll
:38:16. > :38:27.So why not sellotape a Twix to your bits?
:38:28. > :38:41.I said that was for the guys, but there is a little sugar for mum as
:38:42. > :38:42.well. That's right, guys, I'm a vegan
:38:43. > :38:55.and I've only just mentioned it. Take back what you know
:38:56. > :39:06.about my people, I guess. OK, last tip ? this will get you out
:39:07. > :39:09.of any sort of trouble at all. I cycled into someone's car
:39:10. > :39:12.and he was like "Blah, blah, blah", but it's OK as I had this
:39:13. > :39:15.up my sleeve. So, any trouble
:39:16. > :39:17.you're in ? use this. That bit's optional,
:39:18. > :39:22.but it's a nice touch. Then you say "I don't think
:39:23. > :39:42.this is about me, is it? I am going to end on one joke. Get
:39:43. > :39:45.ready. What's the difference between me and a doctor? I've never seen a
:39:46. > :39:55.flaccid penis. Thank you so much. On the outskirts of Nairobi,
:39:56. > :40:16.there's a quarry. People come here every day
:40:17. > :40:18.to chip rocks by hand, but surprisingly, many
:40:19. > :40:31.here are families. For Mildred, this is
:40:32. > :40:39.the only way she can earn Mildred can't afford
:40:40. > :41:15.a moment of rest. Even when she's feeding
:41:16. > :41:17.her baby, she has But this is no guarantee
:41:18. > :41:36.that she'll earn enough Today, they haven't earned enough,
:41:37. > :41:51.so tonight this family As her little boy grows up,
:41:52. > :41:58.all he has to look forward He'll be given a hammer to chip
:41:59. > :42:06.rocks, just like his sister. As a mum, imagine knowing
:42:07. > :42:11.that is your children's only future. Unless you can give
:42:12. > :42:20.some money tonight. With your cash, we can set
:42:21. > :42:23.mums like Mildred up with their own business so she can
:42:24. > :42:27.be the mum she wants to be, and send her kids to school
:42:28. > :42:30.so that all of them can Bloody hell, we have to donate on
:42:31. > :43:11.the basis of Mildred's plight. But at least you can make a
:43:12. > :43:16.donation. A quid or two would really make an impact. As a new father
:43:17. > :43:21.myself, to see the sensitivity and vulnerability of that baby, I worry
:43:22. > :43:24.about my kid just while I am talking, and there was a woman
:43:25. > :43:28.working in a quarry and breast-feeding. This is why we do
:43:29. > :43:35.Comic Relief, so that when we are impacted by these feelings, we can
:43:36. > :43:39.make a difference. Not forget that I am in this room with the whole Jools
:43:40. > :43:44.Holland rip-off going on. I have now got a redirect your sad energy, once
:43:45. > :43:47.you have made that donation to the charity that supports Mildred and
:43:48. > :43:52.people in that situation set up a business, I would like you now to
:43:53. > :43:59.focus on being almost mindlessly enthusiastic. Could you manage that,
:44:00. > :44:04.you people? We have still got some fantastic comedy coming up,
:44:05. > :44:05.including Nish Kumar. But before that, please welcome the fantastic
:44:06. > :44:14.Daphne! Hello, everybody, we are Daphne,
:44:15. > :44:16.the UK's most racially I'm Jason Forbes and
:44:17. > :44:20.I am a British-born I'm Phil Wang and I am
:44:21. > :44:30.an Anglo-Franco-Chinese Malaysian. It's
:44:31. > :44:45.gonna be fucking great! I think you ought to mind your
:44:46. > :44:52.language, don't you? What the boobs are you
:44:53. > :44:54.talking about, Jason? Isn't your Jamaican
:44:55. > :44:57.Auntie Mary here...? Who's that coming
:44:58. > :45:04.down the garden path? What a way 'im favour
:45:05. > :45:29.'im fadda, don't? Philip, what you doin'
:45:30. > :45:33.wid you life now? No, Aunty Mary, I'm doing comedy
:45:34. > :45:37.for a well-known charity. when George appeared just then
:45:38. > :45:46.as Jamaican Auntie Mary instead of the actually
:45:47. > :45:48.Jamaican Jason Forbes, that is what is known
:45:49. > :45:50.in the sketch-mongering industry Now, as you probably know,
:45:51. > :45:56.a "pull back and reveal" is where you get to the end
:45:57. > :45:59.of a sketch and realise in retrospect that the situation
:46:00. > :46:01.is different to how it appeared This sketch we'll be doing for you,
:46:02. > :46:16.ladies and gentlemen, It's what I always get
:46:17. > :46:43.when I come in here! Sorry, sir, we don't
:46:44. > :46:45.do free coffee. Oh, so you're that
:46:46. > :46:46.dickhead waiter everyone's been banging on about,
:46:47. > :46:48.Mr Crabjaw? That's what everyone calls
:46:49. > :46:52.you behind your back. Sorry, we've got a table booked
:46:53. > :46:57.for 7.30 under the name of Potts. Well,
:46:58. > :47:01.I don't remember mentioning Oh, I'll have a lovely
:47:02. > :47:07.big glass of Sauvignon. I actually run my own independent
:47:08. > :47:24.comic book store... Yeah, yeah, I remember
:47:25. > :47:26.it was something stupid like that. Sorry ? what part of "I'll kill you"
:47:27. > :47:35.don't you understand? That's cos you've
:47:36. > :47:38.been fannying about. Can we just have
:47:39. > :47:46.a couple more min... I'll have the chicken
:47:47. > :47:49.followed by the duck followed by the lamb and a glass
:47:50. > :47:51.of tap water! In which case, let's
:47:52. > :47:55.just get the bill. One glass of tap water and I've also
:47:56. > :48:08.brought you some hurshtah Hurshtah ? it's a traditional
:48:09. > :48:12.Moroccan delicacy. I'm going to be sick! What are you
:48:13. > :49:10.going to give me next? Daphne their effort effortlessly
:49:11. > :49:14.giving us tradition and comedy. Nish Kumar has made an impact on me, I
:49:15. > :49:17.want you to welcome him with every last bit of enthusiasm that you
:49:18. > :49:28.have, reach down into your essence and give warmth and love to Nish
:49:29. > :49:33.Kumar! He's there! I made it! Thank God! Good evening, ladies and
:49:34. > :49:39.gentlemen, my name is Nish Kumar. How are you, are you all right? I'm
:49:40. > :49:45.a comedian who is about to do some comedy for you. It's very
:49:46. > :49:54.convenient! I am what is known as a critically claimed comedian. Yes,
:49:55. > :49:59.you're right, you're welcome! What does that mean? It means I use a lot
:50:00. > :50:05.of long words, I get very good reviews in broadsheet newspapers,
:50:06. > :50:09.and then nobody comes! Very poor ticket sales, guys. Last year one of
:50:10. > :50:14.my UK tour dates had to be cancelled for personal reasons. And those
:50:15. > :50:21.personal reasons were, we had sold four tickets! Pretty bad! It is a
:50:22. > :50:26.fun job, you get to travel around. A couple of years ago I went to tactic
:50:27. > :50:31.Giggs at the Melbourne comedy festival. Before I went there, there
:50:32. > :50:33.was an incident. When you go to a festival, you sometimes get
:50:34. > :50:39.interviewed, standard questions, everybody gets them. There will be
:50:40. > :50:49.one question which is personalised for you. The one they did for me was
:50:50. > :50:54.this - how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their
:50:55. > :51:04.profits, and Muslims aren't? To which the obvious answer is, I don't
:51:05. > :51:11.fucking know, my parents are Hindus. Either these people have just
:51:12. > :51:18.thought, this guy has got a foreign name, must be a Muzza. Or they think
:51:19. > :51:23.it is a non-white screening. Let me tell you something, ladies and
:51:24. > :51:29.gentlemen, I tell that joke on stage in a not particularly ethnically
:51:30. > :51:35.diverse gig, it was a solid body of white people, me, and one black dye,
:51:36. > :51:39.where everybody could see him, presumably because they were keeping
:51:40. > :51:43.an eye on him. This guy decided he was going to have some fun. He
:51:44. > :51:47.looked at me and then he looked at the audience and in full view of
:51:48. > :51:52.them, turned to me and went... Listen, you have not lived until you
:51:53. > :51:58.have seen a roomful of middle-aged white people simultaneously shipped
:51:59. > :52:04.their pants. I didn't know what I was going to put because obviously,
:52:05. > :52:08.this was a contentious subject, so I just put, my parents are Hindus, I
:52:09. > :52:16.don't know. But I wanted them to know that an infraction had taken
:52:17. > :52:20.place. And in the last question, well, it was not a question, it was
:52:21. > :52:25.a task. They had given us the first half of a joke and we had to supply
:52:26. > :52:31.the second half. You do that in whatever way you see fit. Maybe can
:52:32. > :52:39.then judge whether they will like your style of comedy. The line was,
:52:40. > :52:46.a book walks into a bar and sees a book case. This is how I finish to
:52:47. > :52:53.the joke. A book walks into a bar and sees a book case. The book says,
:52:54. > :53:01.hey, but case! How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of
:53:02. > :53:08.their prophets and Muslims aren't? And the book Case said, I don't
:53:09. > :53:13.know, because I am a bookcase, and as such, have no knowledge of the
:53:14. > :53:19.intricacies of Islamic theology. I assume you're asking me because I am
:53:20. > :53:26.a brown book case, in which case, go fuck yourselves! Thank you very
:53:27. > :53:34.much, ladies and gentlemen! Nish Kumar, everyone! Fantastic stuff. We
:53:35. > :53:38.have had a great laugh tonight but now I want to talk to you about
:53:39. > :53:44.something very serious. No-one in this century should die of hunger,
:53:45. > :53:45.it is an absolute nonsense and obscenity. I would like you to watch
:53:46. > :54:09.this film for a moment. Thank you. I have come to the children's ward
:54:10. > :54:13.at Redemption Hospital in Nigeria. Nothing prepared me for what I saw,
:54:14. > :54:15.this child was suffering from malnutrition. This is to and her
:54:16. > :54:33.father Alexander. Tabatha's mum is seriously ill, so
:54:34. > :54:42.her father is taking care of her on his own. It's just awful to think
:54:43. > :54:50.that this still happens. A little girl who is so malnourished that her
:54:51. > :54:51.dad had to carry her to hospital. One in every three children in
:54:52. > :55:11.Liberia suffers from malnutrition. Quite simply, they're not getting
:55:12. > :55:18.enough of the right food. She's getting a grip now to try to get her
:55:19. > :55:22.temperatures down and to just feed her body. When we first got here,
:55:23. > :55:31.her little stomach was just going like that happens. She's severely
:55:32. > :55:40.malnourished. Severely, OK. She's just three kilograms and she's four
:55:41. > :55:45.months. How they are as composed as they are, it's amazing to witness.
:55:46. > :55:52.You just see incredibly skilled people saving the girl's life. Of
:55:53. > :55:59.her dad hadn't brought her today, she probably would have died? Yes, a
:56:00. > :56:11.delay for 30 more minutes, something like that. Will she be OK now? After
:56:12. > :56:12.we give fluid, we hope. All Tabatha's father can do now is
:56:13. > :56:35.comfort his little girl. When I left Liberia, I thought
:56:36. > :56:40.Tabatha was going to be OK. But when I got back, we actually found out
:56:41. > :56:47.that she had died. Despite everything that happened, her dad
:56:48. > :56:51.insisted that we showed film. It is incredible, isn't it, to think that
:56:52. > :56:56.in 2017, there's sill children in the world that are dying from
:56:57. > :57:00.hunger. That's where you come in. If you don't need money, we can get
:57:01. > :57:08.emergency food to children like Tabatha, and they won't die, it's as
:57:09. > :57:09.simple as that. So if you can spare some money, then please give
:57:10. > :57:32.generously tonight. Please call... World, Russell Howard. Let me just
:57:33. > :57:36.ask you for the time tonight, if you haven't given yet, it would be great
:57:37. > :57:41.if you could. This is probably your last opportunity. Have you had a
:57:42. > :57:46.fantastic time, you lot? Your endurance has been impeccable! We
:57:47. > :57:54.need to say one last thank you to Nish Kumar! Jayde Adams! Spencer
:57:55. > :58:02.Jones, he's disappeared. The Brett Domino Trio, there they are. They're
:58:03. > :58:09.going straight into counselling! We are so sorry! Lou Sanders, she was
:58:10. > :58:19.fantastic! Before we go, we have one last bit of business, and that's the
:58:20. > :58:23.final total for the night. Are we going to see the total upon this
:58:24. > :58:27.screen? Let's get ready to be enthusiastic, because I don't think
:58:28. > :59:59.there is a total coming. OK, the total for tonight...
:00:00. > :00:01.These are packed full of nutrients and are amazing
:00:02. > :00:02.for malnourished children like Divine.
:00:03. > :00:06.They're very often the difference between life and death.
:00:07. > :00:39.There you go, so that was an optimistic week to end on.
:00:40. > :00:43.it's Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them,
:00:44. > :00:45.hosted by those fantastic beasts, Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding.
:00:46. > :00:48.They're taking a look back at all the best musical performances
:00:49. > :00:50.and sketches from the past 30 years of Comic Relief.
:00:51. > :01:01.Remain fully conscious, never yield to it!
:01:02. > :01:04.But before that, and because you've all been generous beyond my wildest
:01:05. > :01:07.dreams, here's a sketch featuring some of the biggest stars
:01:08. > :01:09.in the world and the biggest star in the universe.
:01:10. > :01:22.Show we set up some sort of tribal, we can't probably live together.
:01:23. > :01:26.You're not going anywhere yet, maintain your enthusiasm as we
:01:27. > :01:29.maintain the millennium dome! Thanks for your generosity, I'm Russell
:01:30. > :01:42.Brand, good night! Stephen Hawking has used the same
:01:43. > :01:48.trademark voice for over 30 years. This year, he decided it was time
:01:49. > :01:52.for a change. As word got out for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,
:01:53. > :01:56.offers began to flood in. We have been granted privileged access to
:01:57. > :02:02.the casting process as Professor Hawking reviews the audition tapes
:02:03. > :02:10.from the hopeful applicants. Trying to find my new voice. Surely it has
:02:11. > :02:21.to be me? Listen to my voice. It's deep, it's sexy, I'm here for the
:02:22. > :02:39.role of Stephen Hawking. Hello, Stephen, it Stephen. Listen,
:02:40. > :02:44.I think my voice would endow your presence with an enormous authority.
:02:45. > :02:55.You would also be able to use many cogently... My earpiece has gone.
:02:56. > :02:58.You would be able to use lots of long words and stuff. A number of
:02:59. > :03:09.people decided to do what they do best. My job is to fight stars.
:03:10. > :03:19.Clause is to count them. I don't know who you are. I don't know what
:03:20. > :03:27.you want. It has to be a yes from you. Not a chance. I heard that a
:03:28. > :03:31.bunch of BLEEP are trying to get you to take them. Who better than the
:03:32. > :03:37.soothing voice I have got? I don't think anyone would take me BLEEP
:03:38. > :03:43.seriously if I sounded like that. Some people clearly weren't told
:03:44. > :03:49.what they were auditioning for. Frankly, it ought to be a musical.
:03:50. > :03:53.I'm thinking something like Everybody's Hawking. The greatest
:03:54. > :04:00.enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.
:04:01. > :04:07.That sounded like I have class and sophistication. It's not looking
:04:08. > :04:15.good. I would sound like an idiot if that was my voice.
:04:16. > :04:24.# Memory, you have photographic memory. Stephen, I know what you're
:04:25. > :04:35.thinking. Sexy! Who wouldn't want to sound like me? Not a chance. Mr
:04:36. > :04:40.Hawking! Steve, listen, I'm the best man for the job. I've been to space
:04:41. > :04:46.before. You talk about space, I've lived it. Wowsers. Some celebrities
:04:47. > :04:54.were insulted that they even needed to audition. If they want me to go
:04:55. > :05:00.through that again, there will have to pay me a shed load of cash. I
:05:01. > :05:04.know Eddie did a good job, I could have played you so much better.
:05:05. > :05:08.After a long session watching desperate celebrities try and win
:05:09. > :05:12.him over, Stephen finally decided... Yes, that's my new voice. And
:05:13. > :05:30.prepared to unveil it the next day. Hello. My name is Stephen Hawking.
:05:31. > :05:40.You're only supposed to blow the bloody atom!
:05:41. > :05:44.Now obviously, you know there was a lot of transmission because you saw
:05:45. > :05:48.it at home. What you missed was some excellent television presenting by
:05:49. > :05:54.me. Wasn't I good? But you missed the grand total. This is ultimately
:05:55. > :05:57.about helping people, and we do need money to change people's lives. The
:05:58. > :06:00.total that you missed because of the loss of transmission, and let's not
:06:01. > :06:07.get called conspiratorial about that, what's ?71 million ?380,000,
:06:08. > :06:12.and it has come from you! You are the people who have given this
:06:13. > :06:17.money. Thank you! We are going to have to add this audience to the
:06:18. > :06:21.people who require urgent help and water. We are handing over now to
:06:22. > :06:27.safe hands, the hands of Jonathan Ross and Noel Fielding. They are
:06:28. > :06:30.going to look at some of the best musical moments in Comic Relief
:06:31. > :06:33.history. Stay tuned for that and more chaos. I'm Russell Brand, thank