:00:15. > :00:18.This is proper rubbish. How are we going to sort this mess out? What
:00:18. > :00:22.Africa. Yes, in the long-term, I'm in this
:00:22. > :00:28.year's Comic Relief. It really is rubbish at the moment. What are we
:00:28. > :00:32.going to do? I have had a no from Blue. It is no. No. No. We need
:00:32. > :00:42.someone to just tell them what to to do.
:00:42. > :00:47.
:00:47. > :00:56.Hello. Hi. Is that Smithy? Who is this?
:00:56. > :01:00.Lenny. Who? Lenny Henry. Do I know you?. Lenny Henry From
:01:00. > :01:04.Live And Unleashed. No, I think you got the wrong
:01:05. > :01:08.number. I'm the grooi from the premier --
:01:08. > :01:13.guy from the Premier Inn adverts. Lenny.
:01:13. > :01:17.We need your help with Comic Relief. Any chance you can give us a hand?
:01:17. > :01:20.I'm seeing a mate. He has been away for a while.
:01:20. > :01:28.Please. All right. I'll come in now. But
:01:28. > :01:35.this is the last time. Idiot. Who was that then? Comic
:01:35. > :01:43.Relief. I have got to go in now. You said we we were going to get my
:01:43. > :01:51.photos. Can I come to Comic Relief? No. You don't want me to come
:01:51. > :01:55.because you don't want to be seen with a gay man. I have seen you
:01:55. > :01:59.with Gav. What you get up to in your spare
:01:59. > :02:02.time is up to you. Can I come to Comic Relief? This is
:02:02. > :02:11.your joke George. It is embarrassing. I can't walk into
:02:11. > :02:20.Comic Relief with you. Comic Relief is about helping people like you!
:02:20. > :02:28.Don't put your sad face on. Fine. Fine. Be like that.
:02:28. > :02:31.I will just listen to some music. I love this one, don't you?
:02:31. > :02:33.# Call me good # Call me bad
:02:33. > :02:40.# Call me anything you want to, baby
:02:40. > :02:47.# And I know what you said # And I know I made you happy with
:02:47. > :02:57.the one thing that you never had # Baby, I'm your man
:02:57. > :02:59.
:02:59. > :03:02.# You know that, baby I'm your man # You bet, if you're going to do it
:03:02. > :03:09.right, do it right, right do it with me
:03:09. > :03:14.# If you're going to do it right, do it with me #
:03:14. > :03:20.Right, I'm going in. You wait here, OK? Don't go wandering around
:03:20. > :03:30.looking for trouble. All right. All right. Where am I going to go?
:03:30. > :03:34.
:03:34. > :03:39.will be back in a bit. Love you. I won't be long.
:03:39. > :03:43.What's going on in here? We're trying to work out who is
:03:43. > :03:50.going to do what for Comic Relief. Tennant and Dee have left for
:03:50. > :03:53.Africa. They went on their own steam.
:03:53. > :03:58.Disrespectful. You may not be live on Channel 4,
:03:58. > :04:03.but please don't swear. We really need a little bit of order had in
:04:03. > :04:08.here. These events are about strategy when we pitch for the 2012
:04:08. > :04:13.Olympics we had a ten point plan. Lord Coe, why is that relevant?
:04:13. > :04:18.Because that's how we won the 2012 bid.
:04:18. > :04:28.I want to go to Africa. I just want to give back. It is heartbreaking,
:04:28. > :04:28.
:04:28. > :04:37.these kids live in such poverty and the words words quidage and
:04:37. > :04:41.Hogwarts mean nothing to them. Would you go go your own? Yeah.
:04:41. > :04:47.would be really good if you could go with someone else from the film
:04:47. > :04:54.otherwise you are a ginger kid walking around with sunburn. I will
:04:54. > :04:58.Anyone got any objections to Ron and the albino kid going to Africa?
:04:58. > :05:03.I would like to go. I think the work that Comic Relief is doing and
:05:03. > :05:13.it is amazing and I have got a bit of time on my hands and I would
:05:13. > :05:14.
:05:14. > :05:19.love to go. Hang on, if he is going then... He is a great guy. Gordon,
:05:19. > :05:23.Gordon. Big dog. Gordon Brown. We have talked about this before,
:05:23. > :05:27.right, it will be really, really hot. You know what you get like
:05:27. > :05:31.even under the studio lights. We are talking searing heat. There
:05:31. > :05:39.will be little kids jumping all over you, pulling your hair, you
:05:39. > :05:43.will have a radio mike on the whole time! You go calling a malnourished
:05:43. > :05:51.African a Leicester Piggott that could go for harm than good.
:05:51. > :05:55.You are right, I shouldn't go. would like to see him on Let's
:05:55. > :06:00.Dance For Comic Relief. I have been thinking about doing a duet with
:06:01. > :06:06.JLS. I have been trying to do something
:06:06. > :06:10.with Tinie Tempah for a long time. # Everybody in love
:06:11. > :06:18.# Put your hands up # If you are you are
:06:18. > :06:23.# Put your hands up... Don't Don't take the piss.
:06:23. > :06:26.It would be a fantastic opportunity to go to Africa. It is a once-in-a-
:06:26. > :06:31.lifetime experience. I would be thrilled to go. That's great. It is
:06:31. > :06:39.It is brilliant and some people will want to see the bloke out of
:06:40. > :06:46.the vicar of dib bli of -- Vicar Of Dibley wandering Africa. What
:06:46. > :06:54.everyone wants to see is Del Boy, Boycie, Marlene. You will be
:06:54. > :07:04.millionaires. You won't, you will be giving out mange tout.
:07:04. > :07:08.
:07:08. > :07:11.dipstick. # Why do only fools and horses work?
:07:11. > :07:15.# La-la-la # La-lala-la
:07:15. > :07:21.# La-la-la # La-lala-la #
:07:22. > :07:25.That's a bit weird. Rio, what about you? I would love
:07:25. > :07:30.to go. I feel I should. I am from the same rough background as these
:07:30. > :07:35.kids. I understand their plight, but it is up to you guys. If I
:07:35. > :07:40.could pull it off, if you think I can do it then yeah.
:07:40. > :07:44.He has over 300,000 people following him on Twitter.
:07:44. > :07:49.'s businessman. He has his own clothing line.
:07:49. > :07:54.He is good friends with David Beckham whom I worked closely with
:07:54. > :07:58.when we delivered the Olympic Games. I won the Champions League, the
:07:58. > :08:06.Premier League a few times. I was being humble. Of course, I should
:08:06. > :08:11.Keep your pants on, Rio. Anyone in favour of Rio, one, two,
:08:11. > :08:15.three, four, five... He can't go. He can't cry on camera.
:08:15. > :08:20.I can. You can't. You know you can't. If
:08:20. > :08:25.you can't cry, you can't go. She has got a point. Everybody
:08:25. > :08:32.knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film.
:08:32. > :08:42.I can cry. Go on. We have got to see those tears my man.
:08:42. > :09:08.
:09:08. > :09:14.Oh! I used to be able to do this, man. Pathetic. Awful. Told you.
:09:14. > :09:23.Sorry, it wasn't meant to be. right, so who is going? I will go.
:09:23. > :09:27.Count me in. Very happy to go. too. To know I've helped just one
:09:27. > :09:32.child somewhere in the world makes it worthwhile. Good point. I
:09:32. > :09:38.believe that children are the future. Whitney Houston. Always --
:09:38. > :09:41.all those in favour of Keira, say yes. She can't go, don't take this
:09:41. > :09:45.the wrong way but you are too good looking. You'll be out there in a
:09:45. > :09:51.little white vest, the sun on your back, sweat dripping down. People
:09:51. > :09:56.will not be looking at starving African, they will say lucky
:09:57. > :10:02.bastard, he has his hands all over her. JLS, Dermott, you are
:10:02. > :10:06.borderline. In the 2012 meetings we have more order than this. Will you
:10:06. > :10:14.shut up about 2012? It might come as a shock to you but some things
:10:14. > :10:19.are not about the Olympics! Do you ever wear any clothes? This is
:10:19. > :10:25.ridiculous. You know what, if anyone should go, it should be me.
:10:25. > :10:29.Yes, sure, I am not some big celebrity. I am just a plumber. A
:10:29. > :10:35.handyman from bigger -- from Billericay. But that is exactly why
:10:35. > :10:42.I should go. I have got skills. I can actually help. I can go out
:10:42. > :10:46.there, still some Wells, put up a few shacks, install their Sky Plus.
:10:46. > :10:56.It is what I do, it is why I am here. I can help there are those
:10:56. > :10:57.
:10:58. > :11:07.less fortunate than ourselves and as I stand before you now... Eggs.
:11:08. > :11:18.
:11:18. > :11:28.I love you, Smithy. None I am The biggest load of rubbish I have
:11:28. > :11:29.
:11:29. > :11:34.ever heard. What? You can't go. because I'm not famous? No, because
:11:34. > :11:41.you what they bloater. They don't like tubbies in Africa. If they eat
:11:41. > :11:45.less food themselves, nobody would be starving. Here here. I have kept
:11:45. > :11:49.quiet, I have heard what people have got to say but you all know
:11:49. > :11:54.that the only person around this table that will go is me. I was in
:11:54. > :12:00.the biggest rock and roll band in the history of music. It is a bit
:12:00. > :12:05.disrespectful, in front of JLS. have had a longer career than all
:12:05. > :12:11.of you put together. My music has touched millions of people around
:12:11. > :12:16.the world by -- and I am the last remaining Beatle. What about me? I
:12:16. > :12:24.am one of the last remaining Beatles. Oh, God. Anybody's
:12:24. > :12:33.disagree? Well, that is decided. Nice one, Sir Macca. You are doing
:12:33. > :12:38.this year's appeal film in Africa. Right, is there anything else
:12:38. > :12:48.because I have to make waiting in the car? Good, meeting adjourned.
:12:48. > :12:52.
:12:52. > :12:56.How did it go? Sir Macca is doing the appeal film,
:12:56. > :13:06.Gordon Brown is rapping with JLS. A good day's work. Not as good as
:13:06. > :13:06.
:13:06. > :16:03.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 176 seconds
:16:03. > :16:11.We'll come back to Comic Relief's Big Chat. There is much excitement
:16:11. > :16:17.in the studio because it is a fresh audience. Low, the smell of booze
:16:17. > :16:23.and cheap perfume. It is delicious! Welcome back to Comic Relief's big
:16:23. > :16:31.Chad. It is the biggest chat show in the history of chat shows. Don't
:16:31. > :16:34.worry, we have got tons of guests still to come. Hold on to your hats
:16:35. > :16:44.because we have passed the watershed so this is the Big Chat
:16:45. > :16:46.
:16:46. > :16:51.late night. Oh yeah. They could be swearing, they could be nudity,
:16:51. > :16:54.scenes of an adult nature. Yes. And, of course, tonight we are really
:16:55. > :16:57.here to raise money for Comic Relief and must we are doing it I
:16:57. > :17:04.am trying to break the world record for the most number of questions
:17:04. > :17:09.ever asked on a TV show. Smell me! The other thing I can reveal their
:17:09. > :17:16.exclusively tonight on the show, Amelie Sunday will not be here. I
:17:16. > :17:19.know, it was hard. I had to break up her dressing room. She had The
:17:19. > :17:25.One Show, she will not be on, all year, it is the only one. We get
:17:25. > :17:30.are getting a lot of press about it. It is pretty impressive. Because I
:17:30. > :17:33.am facing such a big challenge, I have a series of chat show bodies
:17:33. > :17:43.to help me through the night and it is time to get the next one on, one
:17:43. > :17:52.
:17:52. > :17:57.of the funniest chat show hosts People at home will know how this
:17:57. > :18:01.works but people in the studio do not. It is a fake computer. We hit
:18:01. > :18:04.that and we pretend some random guests come out. It is like the
:18:04. > :18:11.lottery show. It is like the lottery, except that is real, isn't
:18:11. > :18:21.it? Yes. OK, let's see why our next guest of the Firth -- that the Who
:18:21. > :18:31.are first guest is of the next It is Kirstie Allsopp and James
:18:31. > :18:41.
:18:41. > :18:47.Hello. Hello, sir. You be careful. Sorry, sorry. Let me sit down on my
:18:47. > :18:49.desk, it is tiring work. You're very welcome. I feel that I am the
:18:49. > :18:53.only one who has a drink. Other people have been bringing on their
:18:53. > :18:58.drinks with straws on things. but I thought my mum might be
:18:58. > :19:06.watching. She knows your drink. She saw you at Christmas. Do you want
:19:06. > :19:11.some booze? I could not comment. No? I want some booze. Please
:19:11. > :19:16.never ask me that question ever again. You said the wisest and most
:19:16. > :19:21.profound thing to me once. I said that I had stopped drinking and I
:19:21. > :19:24.felt a bit better. Do you remember what you said? No. That is the
:19:24. > :19:30.thing when you stop drinking, you feel better, you just never feel
:19:30. > :19:34.fantastic! That is true, that is so true. That stuck with me. I have
:19:34. > :19:37.recorded it on cushions. People used to say to me, the great thing
:19:37. > :19:44.is about not drinking you can remember what you did the night
:19:44. > :19:49.before and I say, yes, nothing. James Nesbitt, congratulations to
:19:49. > :19:53.you. For surviving New Zealand. Hand long were you in New Zealand
:19:53. > :19:58.and the Hobbit? I was in New Zealand for 18 months and in the
:19:58. > :20:03.Hobbit for 18 years. It is a long time, isn't it? It is fantastic. It
:20:03. > :20:11.is amazing country, a wonderful experience, ups and downs. I took
:20:11. > :20:15.my family, my kids. You are wearing a Shoreditch trendy hat. It is a
:20:15. > :20:19.had a male model wears in the winter. I thought it was Russell
:20:19. > :20:22.Brand. I did not know it was you until you spoke and I said, it is
:20:22. > :20:28.James Nesbitt. He has one of the towards that comes from where I
:20:28. > :20:34.come from. That is lucky. It made sense that I did three months of
:20:34. > :20:39.dialect coaching. Did you really? We did a bit of that. We did a lot
:20:39. > :20:45.of different training and dwarf boot camp. Give me regions in
:20:45. > :20:51.Middle Earth to? I am Bofur, from the west coast, which we call
:20:51. > :20:55.County Antrim. Do you have to go back? Is it done now? I go back in
:20:55. > :20:59.May, for three months, which could be longer than that. I can't wait,
:20:59. > :21:03.it is a fantastic... We had a wonderful time. The mornings,
:21:03. > :21:07.getting into three hours of prosthetics can be a challenge, but
:21:07. > :21:14.they look after you very well. It is a crew of 500 and you work very
:21:14. > :21:19.hard. At the end of every week they had the executive, not from Ireland,
:21:19. > :21:24.he had a wheel of Fortune, and the crew put money in and you could win
:21:24. > :21:28.incredible prizes. You could win a holiday in a lodge, tickets for a
:21:28. > :21:37.cup final, cash, but I won one weekend I got a prize to hold
:21:37. > :21:42.Eric's balls. Was that a prize? would be for some people. At the
:21:42. > :21:46.end of every take you have to hold these balls to do with the CGI, I
:21:46. > :21:50.travelled at 11 and a half 1000 miles to hold Eric's balls. It was
:21:50. > :21:54.only supposed to be two films, wasn't it? They made it into three.
:21:54. > :22:02.Was very grim day when you thought, we're nearly finished, nearly going
:22:02. > :22:09.home now. I think... There was, wasn't there? I think it was a
:22:09. > :22:14.surprise to some of us, but Duff as I say, I can't wait to go back and
:22:14. > :22:23.Peter, he is brilliant, down to earth, a Hobbit genius. He films so
:22:23. > :22:33.much stuff. I look forward to it. Hasn't it grossed over $1 billion?
:22:33. > :22:39.
:22:39. > :22:44.I saw such a huge slice of a billion dollars. Can I say I
:22:44. > :22:53.contributed �10.50 to that? Did you really? Yes, I paid. I did not pay.
:22:53. > :22:59.I saw it though. I think you enjoy it more when you pay. I mean films!
:22:59. > :23:03.Kirstie Allsopp. Graham Norton. have been turning from a lady
:23:03. > :23:07.saying do you want to live here, to a lady who says do you want to
:23:07. > :23:11.leave here with these things pinned to a fireplace? I still do it.
:23:11. > :23:14.still do the other one? Yes, six months of the year with Phil, who
:23:14. > :23:18.then goes to Australia, but I do the crafts and he comes back from
:23:18. > :23:28.Australia, which is next weekend we get on with location, location,
:23:28. > :23:34.location. Were people in Channel Four at Bikey you. White Serie B,
:23:34. > :23:39.back off, I'll fix up the kitchen. -- like Sarah BME. She is
:23:39. > :23:44.sledgehammer territory, I'm sewing it on a cushion, like you. I am
:23:44. > :23:49.crafted. Is it something you came up with for Telecom or do you do
:23:49. > :23:57.this stuff genuinely? I do a helluva lot of fixing and mending,
:23:57. > :24:03.but I have always been... cycling? Are you a bumbling -- one
:24:03. > :24:08.will? I am an ambition -- I am an ambassador for Keep Britain Tidy
:24:08. > :24:16.and a Wombles. I intend to pick up dog poo bags on my street for a
:24:16. > :24:19.week for Comic Relief. That is lovely! Who was putting the Pill in
:24:19. > :24:23.the backs? Mite unfortunate neighbours seem to think it is OK
:24:23. > :24:28.to pick up the dog poo and leave the back. I have never understood
:24:28. > :24:32.that. Nor have I. Particularly in the winter, it is warm in your
:24:32. > :24:37.pocket. Lovely. The I thought a woman with a dog in the park and
:24:37. > :24:42.she had a plastic glove and it squatted and she put her hand
:24:42. > :24:48.underneath. It never actually touched the ground. I was so
:24:49. > :24:54.tempted to shout, how is that? Yet, then she pulled Douglas beautifully.
:24:54. > :24:59.People do that, padded up and put it on the floor. My big dog, Bailey,
:24:59. > :25:03.he scratched -- crouched to do his pill and I had the bag ready and it
:25:03. > :25:08.was a trick, where is the Pooh? Where is the Pooh? I don't know
:25:08. > :25:18.what he had done he must have slipped as he got up and he had sat
:25:18. > :25:23.
:25:24. > :25:28.It was like a messy episode of Call The Midwife.
:25:28. > :25:34.How many dogs have you got? Two. You confessed to me that your house
:25:34. > :25:38.is filthy. It has has two big dogs in it that
:25:38. > :25:42.are covered in shit, of course, it is messy.
:25:42. > :25:49.I read about the Twitter Million and I don't understand.
:25:49. > :25:52.I don't understand. Ask her to explain Twitter Million.
:25:52. > :25:56.That went well. I don't understand Twitter Million
:25:56. > :26:01.and every day you get another e- mail about Twitter Million and I
:26:01. > :26:08.think I'm going to collect the e- mails and and auction them off
:26:08. > :26:12.because they are hysterical like Rufus Hound to Lily Allen, the e-
:26:12. > :26:16.mails are valuable. But how does it make money? We are
:26:16. > :26:20.trying to get everybody who follows us on Twitter which is like six
:26:20. > :26:23.million people, ten million people because the people who join, their
:26:23. > :26:32.followers go up and up and nobody thinks that perhaps these people
:26:32. > :26:40.follow the same people. Anyway, you raise �50 and �50 is easy to raise.
:26:40. > :26:47.If we said, "Let's raise �50." For doing something like like cooking a
:26:47. > :26:57.meal or babysitting or ironing and �50 is do-able and on Twitter
:26:57. > :26:57.
:26:57. > :27:01.Million you can join peoples teams and you can be on Clare Balding's
:27:01. > :27:04.team. LAUGHTER
:27:05. > :27:12.Can I ask a question? This is a question question I never thought I
:27:12. > :27:19.would ask on Comic Relief. Where does the dog shit come in in? Emma
:27:19. > :27:24.esm mails us -- Emma e-mails us and says, "You are great, do more." She
:27:24. > :27:29.said if you do a Just Giving page you can be sponsored and various
:27:29. > :27:33.people made suggestions for sponsoring which I can't tell you
:27:33. > :27:38.about because it is too disgusting. I thought if I got sponsored to
:27:38. > :27:42.pick up the dog poo bags on my street that might be a good thing.
:27:42. > :27:47.How many? When I take the kids to school, I pass about ten and I only
:27:47. > :27:54.do half of the street. It is a very very long street. I reckon maybe as
:27:54. > :27:58.many as 0 a day. -- 20 a day. What is five 20s? 100.
:27:58. > :28:03.Good at crafts and less good at maths. Carol Vorderman is out the
:28:03. > :28:11.back. You're safe. You're safe. You brought in some crafts. One.
:28:11. > :28:17.Did you only bring one in? They are mine. Oh, these are yours? Who made
:28:17. > :28:20.a bird? Ah, it may look like a bird. No, no,
:28:20. > :28:24.that's not me. Who made that?
:28:24. > :28:30.You made that? Yes. Are you embarrassed? That's
:28:30. > :28:40.terrible. Nobody would want that. love that bird. I loved making it.
:28:40. > :28:42.It is unfortunate... You loved making it? Making it. If that was
:28:42. > :28:46.made of chocolate, I would be thrilled.
:28:46. > :28:51.I I brought it in because not all crafts are are beautiful or
:28:52. > :28:53.crafts are are beautiful or useful...
:28:53. > :28:56.LAUGHTER This Is to prove that point!
:28:56. > :29:01.I think she proved it very, very well.
:29:01. > :29:06.The feet are impressive. Can we get a close up of the feet? They are
:29:06. > :29:10.good, the feet. I shoved it in my handbag and when
:29:10. > :29:16.I got here, the nose fell off and the BBC department stuck it back on
:29:16. > :29:22.and they have done a good job. Careful.
:29:22. > :29:27.These are yours, James? My daughter Mary made them long time ago, she
:29:27. > :29:31.will be 11 tomorrow. But these are when she was a lot younger.
:29:31. > :29:41.This is sort of beautiful. Oh, is that you?
:29:41. > :29:44.
:29:45. > :29:46.No. No, it is obvious what that is. That's a seal. It is a seal?
:29:46. > :29:52.LAUGHTER OK, it is less beautiful now. Are
:29:52. > :29:56.those whiskers? Yes. How old was she when she made this? I think she
:29:56. > :29:58.was six. It is very good for six and she has
:29:59. > :30:04.glazed the eyes and the nose. That's good.
:30:04. > :30:07.She made an abstract creature. A panda. A panda.
:30:07. > :30:16.Yes. Is that a panda. There is a game
:30:16. > :30:18.show in this, isn't there? cannot see that's a panda? Hold on.
:30:18. > :30:22.There is one thing I always associate with pandas and that's
:30:22. > :30:30.them being black and white. Yes. Is that black and white.
:30:30. > :30:35.You think it is no wonder they struggle to mate!
:30:35. > :30:40.LAUGHTER They don't recognise each other!
:30:40. > :30:44.It global warming, I thought it was a polar bear melting. I actually
:30:44. > :30:50.made Graham's jacket. Yeah, thank you very much.
:30:50. > :30:59.I tried to, but I couldn't. Where did we get this from, America
:30:59. > :31:09.or something? This is, it is a blanket with woollen meat on it.
:31:09. > :31:11.
:31:11. > :31:18.That's a Lady Gaga cloak. Is that a Lady Gaga pauncho.
:31:18. > :31:24.You went, "Ah, that's is a Lady Gaga cloak.". That's meat. The
:31:24. > :31:30.panda, I can see. But this is meat. And then somebody made these.
:31:30. > :31:38.They are little glove puppets, OK, do you know who that is? Frank
:31:38. > :31:41.Skinner. Well done. There is Frank. Lovely.
:31:41. > :31:46.That's me which I think is pretty good.
:31:46. > :31:51.That's very good. A very good looking version of you!
:31:51. > :31:58.It is the full-on version of me. Are you wearing a hockey mask?
:31:58. > :32:02.That's the bags under my eyes. big white thing.
:32:02. > :32:05.I'm vomiting! I think they didn't get the names
:32:06. > :32:10.of the guests properly and they thought Rowan Atkinson was going to
:32:10. > :32:14.be here! That is supposed to be you. That's
:32:14. > :32:17.a good Jimmy, I think. Kirsty, I will find you the name
:32:17. > :32:27.and you can sue! LAUGHTER
:32:27. > :32:27.
:32:27. > :32:30.No. That is terrible. Everyone looks heavier in felt!
:32:30. > :32:36.LAUGHTER It adds pounds!
:32:36. > :32:40.There is even a craft based Comic Relief Funding. Clever crafters are
:32:40. > :32:43.making lovely dolls. Can we see them? Is there a still somewhere?
:32:43. > :32:47.There they are. They are really sweet. You would like them,
:32:48. > :32:54.wouldn't you? I would love them. They are sweet. There is an online
:32:54. > :32:59.auction which started today. Very good.
:32:59. > :33:02.KLAXON SOUNDS Hold on. Hold on. That's the world
:33:02. > :33:07.record update buzzer. Frank you are so good.
:33:07. > :33:11.Yes. I had to tell Fern Britton what it
:33:11. > :33:19.was. Well, yes, because Graham is going for a world record tonight.
:33:20. > :33:22.He is asking the most questions! APPLAUSE
:33:22. > :33:23.APPLAUSE So...
:33:23. > :33:24.So... OK.
:33:24. > :33:24.So... OK. The
:33:24. > :33:29.So... OK. The total...
:33:29. > :33:39.So... OK. The total... Yes. The total is... The last time it
:33:39. > :33:40.
:33:40. > :33:44.was really disappointing. APPLAUSE
:33:44. > :33:50.Somebody is calculating. Are we we doing all right or do I need to do
:33:50. > :33:54.a quick time? Apparently that's not good enough. I need to boost so we
:33:54. > :33:59.need a question booster. I ask you some questions and your answers
:33:59. > :34:08.have to be five words or more all right? Everyone ready, let's go.
:34:08. > :34:09.Frank, what do you wear in bed? wear a T-shirt and socks.
:34:10. > :34:16.LAUGHTER That's all we wanted to know!
:34:16. > :34:21.I didn't say wear I wear the socks! Kirsty, this is good for a crafter.
:34:21. > :34:27.How often do you change your bed bedsheets? At least once a week.
:34:27. > :34:37.No one does. Do you pee the bed or something?
:34:37. > :34:40.
:34:40. > :34:45.That's a a lot. My fitted sheet looks like the ture the Turin
:34:45. > :34:52.shroud. James have you everure nated as in
:34:52. > :34:56.a public swimming bath as an adult? I have not, no. I was once arrested
:34:56. > :35:03.for indecent behaviour for doing it behind a tree in Belfast.
:35:03. > :35:04.Was it a small tree? It was a very cold night.
:35:04. > :35:13.LAUGHTER Frank, who is your childhoodhood
:35:13. > :35:18.idle? Muhammad Ali and me and my dad who was not always the most
:35:18. > :35:28.broad minded person, we used to listen to the Ali fights on our own
:35:28. > :35:29.
:35:29. > :35:30.at 3am. My dad through every punch. High to sit in another room!
:35:30. > :35:32.LAUGHTER Kirsty, what's your favourite
:35:32. > :35:37.household chore? It would be ironing.
:35:37. > :35:41.Is that your favourite Hoovering behind the fridge. Hoover behind
:35:41. > :35:50.the fridge. St John's Ambulance are standing
:35:50. > :35:55.How far away from the wall is your fridge? You have to pull it out, if
:35:55. > :35:59.you don't hoover behind it, you use your electricity. You can reduce by
:35:59. > :36:04.40% the amount of electricity your fridge uses.
:36:04. > :36:06.You know what? I can afford it. APPLAUSE
:36:06. > :36:11.It is not about you Frank, it is about the environment.
:36:11. > :36:15.Who was your your teenage celebrity crush, James? It was Anna Ford who
:36:15. > :36:22.used to read the news. Yes. It still is to tell you the
:36:22. > :36:32.truth. She is gorgeous. My friend's was
:36:32. > :36:32.
:36:32. > :36:36.Gloria hundredy ford's -- -- -- Gloria Hunniford's.
:36:36. > :36:42.Kirsty, when you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew
:36:42. > :36:47.up? I wanted to be a mum and have four children.
:36:47. > :36:54.Look at you now. James, do you have, this, no, I will just ask it.
:36:54. > :37:00.What's in your ultimate sandwich? It would be corned beef and brown
:37:00. > :37:05.sauce. What What about Anna Ford? You had
:37:05. > :37:11.to go there, Frank. Kirsty, what's the oddest thing you
:37:11. > :37:16.keep in your handbag? A bird. That bird has been in my handbag all
:37:16. > :37:24.night and that's how its nose got broken P. Frank, if you could have
:37:24. > :37:30.any job what would it be? I would like to be an astronaut for a day.
:37:30. > :37:40.Married to Anna Ford? Maybe. We will never know.
:37:40. > :37:46.
:37:47. > :37:51.There is someone here from the Guinness Book of Records. Pro-
:37:51. > :37:54.British sure I am getting the certificate. I don't want to go
:37:54. > :37:59.ruined attention but I'm getting there. Wouldn't it be annoying if I
:37:59. > :38:02.did not? After six hours, I do not get a prize? It is time to say
:38:02. > :38:12.goodbye to my guests, Kirstie Allsopp, James Nesbitt and Frank
:38:12. > :38:19.
:38:19. > :38:24.Now, all the money that you raise is split between projects in Africa
:38:24. > :38:33.and right here in the UK, helping thousands of disadvantaged people.
:38:33. > :38:37.In 2011, Ruth Jones went to visit one and classes. -- Ron and daddies.
:38:37. > :38:42.Life doesn't run in straight lines. We might have plans and ideas but
:38:42. > :38:45.no one really knows what lies ahead. I am on my way to spend couple of
:38:45. > :38:53.days with a devoted husband and wife, who had looked forward to the
:38:53. > :39:00.time they would spend together in retirement. Hello, Ron. I am Ruth,
:39:00. > :39:05.lovely to meet you. Ron and Gladys met when they were just 18 and it
:39:05. > :39:10.was love at first fight. Married in 1949, they have spent nearly all of
:39:10. > :39:13.their lives together. But they live today has become very different. --
:39:13. > :39:19.but they live today has become very different.
:39:19. > :39:24.Hello, Gladys. It is lovely to meet you. I am Ruth. You are Ruth, are
:39:24. > :39:29.you? Four years ago, Gladys was diagnosed with dementia and they
:39:29. > :39:33.knew their lives would never be the same again. It is something we
:39:34. > :39:40.never expected, of course, then it came on and the whole of life has
:39:40. > :39:44.changed. It was changed out of all proportion. I feed her and I watch
:39:44. > :39:53.her clothes every day, do all the housework and it seems as if she
:39:53. > :40:00.has gone back to her child again. I do nothing now, you see, nothing at
:40:00. > :40:05.all. I can't leave glad this. I feel like a prisoner. -- I can't
:40:05. > :40:11.believe Kravis. The hardest thing is to know that she will not get
:40:11. > :40:21.better. What does it feel like for you? Do you sometimes feel as
:40:21. > :40:21.
:40:21. > :40:29.though you have lost loudest? You are a very loving husband. Do you
:40:29. > :40:34.think so? Oh, yes. It is a constant thing, relentless. I do not know
:40:34. > :40:40.how he does it. Good night, sleep well. The biggest help to people
:40:40. > :40:45.like Ron is to be given time for themselves.
:40:45. > :40:50.And your money does just that. When Ron drops clad this at a day-care
:40:50. > :40:56.centre it buys him time and he meets men in the same situation.
:40:56. > :40:59.Hello. For a few hours from enjoys friendship and encouragement.
:41:00. > :41:05.Exactly what he needs to prevent a desperate attempt -- isolation that
:41:05. > :41:13.can come with dementia. We are all going to get gold -- get old,
:41:13. > :41:18.aren't we? All of us are. It is so easy to dismiss people with
:41:18. > :41:23.dementia was Alzheimer's and to go, oh, they're just a batty old woman
:41:23. > :41:28.or a batty old man but, of course, it could happen to so many offers
:41:28. > :41:32.and I am quite frightened of that happening to me. I hope that I
:41:32. > :41:36.would be lucky enough to be looked after, if it did happen to me, in
:41:36. > :41:39.the way that clad this is looked after by Rom. I would like to think
:41:39. > :41:44.that someone would be looking after the person caring for me and that
:41:44. > :41:49.is exactly what Comic Relief will do with your money. Because I'd
:41:49. > :41:59.across the UK, it is supporting people with dementia and those who
:41:59. > :42:04.
:42:04. > :42:10.Very sadly since that film was made, Lakis has passed away, but the
:42:10. > :42:14.centre still gives support to Ron and gives others like him and their
:42:14. > :42:24.friends the support that they really need at a very lonely time.
:42:24. > :42:43.
:42:43. > :42:48.Please text, because your money Right, it is time to meet the
:42:48. > :42:58.person propping me up for the next half-an-hour. It is family
:42:58. > :43:10.
:43:10. > :43:14.favourite from Family Fortunes, Because I see you on the television,
:43:14. > :43:19.I forget incredibly -- had forget how incredibly talk you are. You
:43:19. > :43:24.are a man mountain. Are you still going? I am still growing but Peter
:43:24. > :43:29.Crouch is backstage and we have had a picture taken together and I felt
:43:30. > :43:35.for foot three inches. Isn't that good? He is massive. For the first
:43:35. > :43:43.time ever, I felt small. I was talking at a party, it was
:43:43. > :43:49.ridiculous, like in a queue to see Santa. I was standing beside him.
:43:49. > :43:59.Hey, hey, let's see who is coming up next. Pit that thing. It could
:43:59. > :44:09.
:44:09. > :44:19.Ladies and gentlemen, Louis Smith, Adam Hills. Lee Mack. Very nice to
:44:19. > :44:24.
:44:24. > :44:30.Welcome welcome, welcome. Look at you all, with your bling, Lois
:44:30. > :44:38.Smith. That is a lot of jewellery. I feel there is an expectation to
:44:38. > :44:46.wear a bit of bling after strictly. OK. You could have won a medal. You
:44:46. > :44:53.have a lot of jury at home, I know. Second place would clash with this
:44:53. > :44:56.oversold he could not wear silver. You had to bring us down. I am
:44:56. > :45:01.saying it is really good, he could have been third and he wasn't, he
:45:01. > :45:08.was second. How good are you at the pommel horse? If you need me, I am
:45:08. > :45:12.over here digging a hole. How does it feel being disrespected for your
:45:12. > :45:22.gymnastic skills by a comedian? Especially this, a middle-aged,
:45:22. > :45:27.podgy bloke. Your waste is fooling no one. -- your waist coat. You
:45:27. > :45:32.must have been really good at sport? I was all right but when you
:45:32. > :45:35.get to that stage when you grow up... And you really did. You'd
:45:36. > :45:41.turn into a deep voiced teenager, I got stretch marks because,
:45:41. > :45:45.seriously, you are laughing. agrees that fast? Yes, over the
:45:45. > :45:55.summer holidays I shot up and got stretch marks down my leg. I have
:45:55. > :46:00.them, lines, like a tree. You know the lines you get? What, here? That
:46:00. > :46:05.would be an awful place to get pregnant, the top of your thighs.
:46:05. > :46:12.You would need to have twins, to level it at. Adam Hills, you did
:46:12. > :46:22.study gymnastics? I did, when I was a kid, I did gymnastics. I can
:46:22. > :46:31.
:46:31. > :46:37.bussed out a cart-wheeled if If ever there was a moment when we
:46:37. > :46:43.needed Clare Balding to introduce this piece. Would you have loved it
:46:43. > :46:48.if Lewis had done before doing his performance in the Olympics.
:46:48. > :46:54.favourite moment is the Oystercard. Keep the chad going, I have the
:46:54. > :46:58.last Tube to get. You're not going to hurt yourself?! I think I can.
:46:58. > :47:08.Everyone on the front row, be warned. Are you sure you can do
:47:08. > :47:36.
:47:36. > :47:46.Ten, ten. Well done, the Take your Met Police off. -- your
:47:46. > :47:57.
:47:57. > :48:07.You are like a dancing monkey, we OK, OK, don't do too much because
:48:07. > :48:07.
:48:07. > :48:58.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 176 seconds
:48:58. > :49:08.Are you going to do something? Oh, This is a sofa with skills, ladies
:49:08. > :49:09.
:49:09. > :49:14.and gentlemen. Touch me. Oh, yeah. Unbelievably, Louis Smith, here you
:49:14. > :49:18.are with all your medals, you had to choose between a choral career
:49:18. > :49:21.and gymnastics career? He has come a had the opportunity to sing that
:49:21. > :49:24.choristers when I was seven years old. I had an audition at
:49:24. > :49:30.Peterborough Cathedral at the top of the tower, lots of old people
:49:30. > :49:36.sat around the table. It was quite strange. It was quite strange,...
:49:36. > :49:43.Are you sure it was an audition? remember... You had to take job
:49:43. > :49:53.necklace and jacket off first. was very professional and did Dunne
:49:53. > :49:53.
:49:53. > :49:59.it was nicely done. Now Aston Mary whether come... Marigold, not merit
:49:59. > :50:06.weather. In the Hobbit, there is lots of them like that. He did not
:50:06. > :50:11.want to say gold. The thing is, I had a comeback and a thought I had
:50:11. > :50:16.better not. Comedian... I am jealous come I would rather have
:50:16. > :50:24.been an Olympic athlete than a middle-aged, flagging...
:50:24. > :50:29.auditioned for The X-Factor, didn't you? Go on. Did you really? Yes, I
:50:30. > :50:37.did. Did you get as far as the judges? Yes. You got as far as bad?
:50:37. > :50:43.Yes. What did you say? You know, you know exactly what you sang.
:50:43. > :50:51.was from Save the Last Dance. # If it's all right, let's go somewhere
:50:51. > :50:58.# At got a girl and you go look good tonight #.
:50:58. > :51:04.It he had won the gold, he could have won -- son the national anthem
:51:05. > :51:10.himself. If I had got a goal. you get the gold, when average is
:51:10. > :51:14.next... Are you going to Brazil? don't know, if I am watching or
:51:14. > :51:19.competing, it is a nice place to go. He will. He will be going, what
:51:20. > :51:26.you? And singing at the opening ceremony. It is an option. Before
:51:26. > :51:29.any discounts are out there watching. That is a good idea.
:51:29. > :51:35.They're always a lot of stands watching this programme cannot buy,
:51:35. > :51:39.Graham? No, they're in bed now. In terms of the Olympics, Yorkshire,
:51:39. > :51:43.the last leg, it was unexpected. You were doing the show for the
:51:44. > :51:47.Paralympics and it is a show now. had been to the Paralympics in
:51:47. > :51:51.Beijing, so I knew how amazing it would be and I knew there was a lot
:51:51. > :51:57.of comedy to be had in it as long as people were OK with it. Myself,
:51:57. > :52:03.who has an artificial foot, and Alex, who has an artificial foot
:52:03. > :52:07.and Jews and judge Widdecombe, who is English, you notice the
:52:07. > :52:11.Australian had nothing to say about the medals you one. Because I have
:52:11. > :52:16.no moral high ground whatsoever. Yorkshire beat Australia at the
:52:16. > :52:18.Olympics. The three others talked about the Paralympics every night
:52:18. > :52:24.and people watching, apparently David Cameron used to watch.
:52:24. > :52:31.Really? Apparently he and his wife used to get into bed and watch our
:52:31. > :52:36.show. It is good he is not busy. speaks volumes. Such good telly,
:52:36. > :52:41.let's watch that. You have been involved in Comic Relief. At medium
:52:41. > :52:46.by the name of Mark Watson did a 25 hours show last week. It started at
:52:46. > :52:51.11pm. It is much harder doing telly, that is all I will say. Don't feel
:52:51. > :52:56.bad, it is all right. He started at 11 o'clock on the Thursday night
:52:56. > :53:03.and finished midnight on Friday. It was 25 hours, because of the 25th
:53:03. > :53:09.anniversary of common relief. Jennifer Saunders, Sir Bob Geldof
:53:09. > :53:13.Zak recorded a video message, Rufus ended the show by smashing 20 eggs
:53:13. > :53:20.with a mallet Sellotaped to his penis. I don't know why, but it is
:53:20. > :53:27.what he decided to do. You will find this, this is only Our two. By
:53:27. > :53:32.three or four, you'll get delirious and feel the need to smashed eggs.
:53:32. > :53:42.You describe it as a mum or penis. Is there an alternative? The animal
:53:42. > :53:50.
:53:50. > :53:58.kingdom. In a 25 hours, they raised Apparently we are adding that it
:53:58. > :54:03.might spot so thank you to Mark Watson. -- tonight's pot. Lewis can
:54:03. > :54:09.we have some pictures of you. dear. One of them is mysterious.
:54:09. > :54:17.For the people upstairs, can you see, there is the mystery picture.
:54:17. > :54:27.OK, he is on the horse with this is a legs. If we have a look at that.
:54:27. > :54:30.
:54:30. > :54:38.It is beautiful, a feast for the eye. Where is it? Where is it?
:54:38. > :54:46.Where is it? Pole vault studios. was a very exciting shoot and there
:54:46. > :54:51.is only one place to hide it. Write-up the side of your leg?
:54:52. > :54:56.I have not got my glasses on, I did not know that was his leg.
:54:56. > :55:02.there a lot of pictures in this session that could but not be used?
:55:02. > :55:05.There were a few that he took too late, or too early and, because how
:55:05. > :55:09.the shoot happened there was just the photographer and the guy who
:55:09. > :55:13.did the lighting and behind a screen there was the women and the
:55:13. > :55:21.other guys were the stylists, the make-up, and when he took one tour
:55:21. > :55:26.early you had a reaction, like, oh. So I knew it was a bad picture when
:55:26. > :55:35.he had that the action. When you see people doing gymnastics, it is
:55:35. > :55:42.silent. There is no noise. But if something... Is that what it sounds
:55:42. > :55:50.like? A little bit. Big head. sounds like somebody playing the
:55:50. > :55:54.spoons. Give yourself a round of applause. Do you get... When I am
:55:54. > :55:57.doing stand-up comedy and hear the slow handclap, I thought people
:55:57. > :56:01.were bored, I did not realise people were making up their own
:56:01. > :56:05.entertainment. Just walking to the bar. Does someone give you a talk
:56:05. > :56:10.about how to dress yourself? How do you mean? On the day, before we do
:56:10. > :56:18.go out in Yorkshire, does someone go, you might want to just yourself.
:56:18. > :56:23.Is there a way. You mean competing? In competing, not in your life,
:56:23. > :56:28.that it would be somebody if -- it would be off -- or, if some do with
:56:28. > :56:33.saying it. You have a leotard, a kit that you wear and you have to
:56:33. > :56:43.match the rest of your team. The only thing you can mess around and
:56:43. > :56:49.
:56:49. > :56:53.Does someone run out and say, I'll take your keys... That is the only
:56:53. > :56:57.way you can be creative and stand out in image ways is playing with
:56:57. > :57:05.your hair a little bit. At the Olympics, do you have a locker?
:57:05. > :57:10.Then, like Adam says... I love Graham's insightful sporting
:57:10. > :57:16.questions, did you have a locker? As Adam was saying, where is your
:57:16. > :57:21.stuff It's on a raised platform. needs to tell me this. I didn't
:57:21. > :57:27.know that. Some people might be interested. I am. You have chairs
:57:27. > :57:33.that you sit on coaches that wait. We have bags. Simple. Oh. From the
:57:33. > :57:41.hotel to the stadium you were just in your leotard? Tracksuit. You
:57:41. > :57:46.have your leotard, tracksuit thend pants and socks might put on.
:57:46. > :57:55.Vernon is with me. At the Olympics you think it would be better.
:57:55. > :57:59.Lockers. Dressing rooms. JLo had luggage of all her wardrobe.
:57:59. > :58:02.Imagine turning up to the stadium, you know, you are going to do the
:58:02. > :58:09.pommel horse and you have luggage. Imagine the fear that would instill
:58:09. > :58:17.in your competitors. They would think, what has he got in there!
:58:17. > :58:23.Wow! I haven't choosen my tracksuit yet. Is that seriously the end of
:58:23. > :58:30.this bit? I can't believe it. I know. I know why it went so quickly.