0:00:02 > 0:00:07Darren Karrimor! I will not have students blowing bubble gum in lessons.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Especially when it's out of their arse!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Sorry, lover boy.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17BANG, FART
0:00:17 > 0:00:19HE CHOKES
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Balamory.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- # All we wanna do is oh - Love me, love me
0:00:29 > 0:00:32# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# All we wanna do is oh
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# All we wanna do is... #
0:00:37 > 0:00:42- I've figured out how to get Jas back. - Going to make her a tapestry?- No!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I'm going to go over there right now and give her a lovely big kiss.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Why? You've made like a banana and split.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It's simple psychology.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56The kiss will remind her of when we were together, the magic will return and she will be mine again.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00And... # Da da da da da da dah! #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Why did you do that?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The Welsh are a very lyrical people.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Well, I better be going, cos one, your singing makes me uncomfortable, and two,
0:01:10 > 0:01:15I'm off to the football tonight with Robyn. # The referee is lovely, the referee is lovely... #
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Who's Robyn?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Is Chloe trying out new names again?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23At least Robyn's better than "The Claw ".
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Hi, Jas.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Hey Ollie. Have you seen The Claw? I need to give her her mace back.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32No... So how about a lovely big kiss?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35How about a lovely big kick in the bollocks?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Er, I'd rather a kiss.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38We agreed we're friends.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Friends kiss! Kissy woo!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Look, we haven't kissed since we were together
0:01:43 > 0:01:47and I don't want to do anything which might compromise the integrity of my art.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Don't be pissy, give me a kissy!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52No means no!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Ah, Mr Karrimor.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01All right, biatch.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06I've just had the results of the test you did with your educational psychologist.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Is this about what I saw in them ink blots?
0:02:08 > 0:02:14No Darren, Dr Ladowski really was just showing you pictures of bumholes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20According to this, you have an IQ of 160.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22What does that mean?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It means you're a genius!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28A genius? Like Alfred Einstein!
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Albert.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What?- It's Albert Einstein.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Erm, excuse me. I think you'll find I'm the genius here, so...
0:02:37 > 0:02:44Fine. Though these tests indicate that your IQ actually may exceed his.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Well, that's a bit obvious, the idiot don't even know his own name.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52- All right, what do you want me to do?- Well, now that we know what we're dealing with,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55we can approach you with a different attitude.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I need you to apply yourself.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- All right, come here biatch. - Not to me, Darren!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05To your education! You have a gift.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Ooh, a gift! Is it this paperweight which looks like gin?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- That IS gin.- Well, I normally only partake at Christmas. but if you insist...- Darren!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Don't you see?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19With your intellect you could do anything. You could even be...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22President of the United States.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Like my cousin.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You mean your cousin's...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's right. George W Bush.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Then me and Robyn went to the football and then me and Robyn watched the football
0:03:44 > 0:03:46and then chatted about the football.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50So it was a fairly football-heavy football match that me and Robyn attended.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I also had a pie which smelt like a wet dog and looked like my pants.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Robyn started laughing and then me and Robyn had to have a wee.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02Yes, OK Matt! I'm delighted you're spending time with someone outside our relationship.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What was their name again? - Robyn, Robyn Crisp.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I think having a new friend will be very good for you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Thanks, Chloe. I can't wait for you to meet her.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Her?!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29All right, peep?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- Y-y-yeah, not so bad. I'm just figuring out a way to get Jas to kiss me.- Ah, right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Hold a light bulb in your mouth, get a cable, ram it up your arse...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Oh, hang on that's moths.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And you've done that, have you?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48You've electrocuted yourself in order to secure the amorous advances of a moth?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I like moths. Moths are sexy.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Why do you want to kiss Jas anyway? She's not a moth.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Cos if she kisses me we'll get back together.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- But when you were together you fought like cat and... - Dog, yes, I know. But I miss the...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Pussy, yes, I know.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Not that. Well, not just that.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I miss her. I miss us.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Any ideas? Not involving moths.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Surprisingly few. But there's always the old faithful of...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18TOGETHER: Showing her your cock. Yes, yes.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Apart from that. - Cover yourself in meat?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I'm not Lady Gaga.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Are you not? Damnit, I'm in the wrong shed again. Bye!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- DK, come back.- All right, then.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Send her a gift. - That might just work.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Hey, I could send her one of those cuddly toys that you record your own personal message into.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- You just squeeze the little tummy and it goes...- How about a kiss?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh, go on then, you've done ever so well.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Ah, I didn't mean, get off, I've just done my make-up!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And anyway, don't mention it. After all you are talking to a genius.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53No, I'm not.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58I'm talking to a man who slipped a disc trying to suck his own penis.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00So am I. Eh?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- So, a genius, eh?- Yep.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Apparently I've got an IQ of 160.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in da house! Wiki wiki wa wa braaaaaaap!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11RAPS: Listen up chicks that like blokes with a brain
0:06:11 > 0:06:13DK's in town and he's made his name
0:06:13 > 0:06:15As a genius, so witty and clever
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Who can make up raps whatever the weather
0:06:17 > 0:06:18But don't worry bitches, I ain't no sad freak
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm keen, mean, cheeky and chic
0:06:20 > 0:06:22So if you like a bloke that can help you with science
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I can be yours if you stroke my appliance. Balamory!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35You're forgetting one thing, DK.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Geniuses don't rap.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What about the Principal?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Listen up bitches, this is my reality
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Welcome to the Principality
0:06:44 > 0:06:46If you love Principal Reed
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Come and fill me with your seed
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Balamory!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, bravo, Jane!
0:06:54 > 0:06:59- Yeah, she wants me to apply my intellect in lessons.- So does this mean you have to stop misbehaving?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Stop misbehaving? Why? Biatch never said anything about that.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Eye hump! Hah, ha, ha!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Hello, Dick.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20It's Mr Splash to you, Darren.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Ah, yeah, sorry.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Mr Dick Splash.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35BEAR: Daphne. It's Clarence.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38So sorry you found out about me and the little Nigerian chap.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Please forgive me.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Why the bloody hell did Ollie send me this?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I'm not Daphne.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Jasmine!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- This is a three-stamp emergency! - A what?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Stamp! Stamp! Stamp!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55What's up with you?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I'm fuming! I've been belching up bile all morning and...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Ooh, an adorable little bear!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04He's gorgeous, isn't he?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07When I was younger I had a big old Ted just like him,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09all sexy and comforting.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Mmm, his nose is so durable.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Err, yeah, you dirty bitch.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I think Ollie sent me this furry beast so I'd kiss his furry beast.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Why?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Intuition. Plus this note.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36"I am sending you this bear so you will kiss me. Thanks, Ox".
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Who's Ox?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Ollie. Kiss. You can tell it's him
0:08:40 > 0:08:44from his trademark drawing of a stickman wanking.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What am I going to do?
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Just explain to him you're never going to get back together and he'll give up and move on.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Right, I'll go and see him at lunchtime. Anyway, you were saying about your bile.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Matt has a new friend that isn't imaginary.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Oh, who?- A girl.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Robyn Crisp. I bet she's after him.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08In a ungh-ungh-ungh way.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Matt's bringing her home after college.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Now don't panic, Chlo. It should be easy to scare her off.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- With a mace!- Just be yourself.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And dress like a hussy.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24If there's one thing I've learnt, the sexiest always wins.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29Oh, and also, the peanut is not a nut, it is a legume.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Now then can anybody tell me what this is?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Yes, Darren?- A chair.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- No, it isn't.- It is.- No, it isn't. - How do you know?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Because it's a subglacial volcano. - That's not an answer.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- Be quiet.- But all I want is an answer.- To what? - How you know that isn't a chair?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Because it's a volcano. - How is that not a chair?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Because they're not the same thing. - Who says?- It's just a fact.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Who said what fact is? And how do I know you're not a chair?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Because this is a chair! This is a bloody chair!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- No, it isn't.- Well, what is it, then?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Subglacial volcano.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Why are you even saying that?!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Cos I'm a genius. - You are not a genius.- I am a genius.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Shut up.- What's the matter? Am I confusing you, Mr. Dick Splash?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- Shut up!- I'm brighter than Dick Splash, I'm brighter than Dick Splash.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Aaaaaargh!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I forgot we're on the ground floor.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Forget tits. The only appropriate term for you pair is bazookas.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Bang-bang!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Hello Chloe. I want you to meet my new friend, Robyn Crisp.
0:10:50 > 0:10:56- Hello, love.- Hello, Robyn Crisp. - Why Matt, you didn't tell me your girlfriend was so pretty!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Are you not intimidated by my expansive bosom and whorey performance?
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Oh, no love. It's delightful on you, but I can't get away with that kind of shenanigan.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Shenanigan can't be singular! You're using shenanigans incorrectly.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Oh, am I?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Thanks for pointing it out.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Also, I brought you these.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20What fresh hell is this, Robyn Crisp?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Cinnamon buns. They're vegan.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Oh, I bet they are. I bet everything you consume is vegan.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Especially your food and drink.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Won't you have one? They're Matt's favourite.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'm well aware of Matt's favourite type of bunnery.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- Oh, really? What's that, then? - Cinnamon. My cinnamon.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40With lots of lovely kidney in it!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, well, I won't be asking you for that recipe if you don't mind.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48I don't eat anything that can take a shit. Anydoodles, best be off. Come along, Matt.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- What? Where are you taking Matt? - The bingo.- The bingo?- The bingo!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Yes, you know, two fat ladies, two little ducks, legs eleven woo woo!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, I'm a character.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Yes. From Scooby Doo by the look of you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- But what about me?- Oh, no, you wouldn't like it, Chloe.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09It's more of a Matt and Robyn thing. You can be "On it's own... Number One".
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Matt made a funny!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No, you didn't, Matthew.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, nice to meet you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Don't forget to do your coat up, Matt, or you'll catch your death. Here...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Bye, Chloe.- Bye.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's worse than I thought.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The bitch is a bloody temptress.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36To deal with her I see I'll need a new shenanigan...s.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Why the hell did you send me this?- Ah, you got it! It has three personalised messages.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Yes. None of which seem to be from you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Daphne. It's Clarence.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Please ring me or I'll have to go back to Thailand for one of those...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59you know... things I got into trouble for.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02They must have got the voice units mixed up... Kiss?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No! I told you, Ollie, it's over.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Let's end it on a kiss! - I don't want to argue with you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Why not?- Because every time we argue we end up...- Making up with a kiss? Aha!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16When are you gonna get it into your stupid thick head? Our relationship is over
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and we're never ever getting back together.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Good day!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Lady boys!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Lady boys!
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Well, Jezza, looks like I'm gonna have to figure out a new way to get Jas to kiss me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Any ideas? AS CLARKSON: Male scent.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42What's that?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46AS CLARKSON: Coat yourself in your delicious male scent,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49that way she won't be able to resist kissing you.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It makes me want to kiss you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Good idea, Jezza.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56AS CLARKSON: Er, Oliver?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Yes, Jezza?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Are you aware that you're speaking to a cardboard cut-out?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Yes, Jezza, I'm desperately tragic and lonely.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Mr Karrimor.- All right, biatch.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17You promised you would apply your genius in lessons.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- And I did.- By giving Mr Richard Splash a breakdown?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Exactly.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27I think I've realised why you behave the way you do.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Cos I'm a cheeky little scamp? - Because of your IQ.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Oh, you must get so bored in normal lessons.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Oh, yeah, that must be it.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42I mean, I was so bored once I just started wanking in the library.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44The supervising teacher didn't know what hit her.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47That was me, Darren,
0:14:47 > 0:14:52and I'm not at all interested in what splatted down my neck.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- It was cum.- Enough!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57What are you going to do then, biatch?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- I'm going to provide you with more stimulus.- To my penis?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03To your brain, Darren.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05They're basically the same thing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I'm going to move you into the highest sets for all your subjects,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12then I'm going to enrol you in accelerated maths.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14But that's with all the geeks.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Yes, right. They're your people now.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19All right, fine, come here.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Bye, biatch!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Can anyone smell, you know, man?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That's me!
0:15:38 > 0:15:43More specifically, blood, sweat, urine, tears and sperm.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- SNIFFS:- Oh! That reminds me of Mummy.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Wilberforce needs nourishing.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Why?- Delicious, isn't it?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- You smell of Wales. - Oh, you mean the mammal?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No, the place.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Jas, that is so racist.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You should be ashamed of yourself. Or as we say in Wales...
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Baaaaah!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You should be ashamed of yourself.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I've told you! We have absolutely no future, now just get out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- But...- Argh!- Bye.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Jas, you realise this won't stop till he gets what he wants.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Why don't you just do it? Kiss him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Because what if I felt something?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Isn't that what he's after?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, I mean inside me.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Isn't that what he's after?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Stop it.- Well, you won't if you don't love him any more.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Well, I don't! Look, how did things go with Matt?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I am going to kill Robyn Crisp.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Why? Does she have the face of a patrician beauty,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15the sylph-like limbs of a Bolshoi prima donna
0:17:15 > 0:17:19and the wicked wit of an Oscar Wilde novella?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22You know, like me?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Oh, Jasmine Brown.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- We are dealing with a real femme fatale here.- What do you mean?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30She was pleasant and friendly.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32She wore a bobble hat - harlot!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36And made cinnamon buns - slag!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40I know she's going to take Matt away from me, I just know she is!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I know it! I know it! I know it!
0:17:42 > 0:17:43There's only one solution.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Correct, violence! Where's my knuckle duster?- No.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- My scarab?- No.- My army of monkeys?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52No.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Look, Chlo, just forbid Matt from seeing Robyn again.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Hmm, but I've already forbidden him from so many things.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- His asthma medication for one.- Why?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Just a wheeze. Ha!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Look, you're his girlfriend.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10If he loves you, he'll stop seeing her.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It's worth a try, I suppose.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16And if that doesn't work, it's army of monkey time!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Fly my pretties, fly!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ah, shame.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Look what Robyn made for me?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36You look like a condom.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Ah, thanks.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I forbid you from seeing that pernicious she-devil any longer.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- Forbid, forbid, forbid. - Yes, Princess Chloe.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- Why?- Because... she's going to take you away from me, Matt.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Chloe, me and Robyn, we're just friends.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55We were just friends, Matt. And then what happened?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Cuddles?- And then what?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Snuggles?- And then what?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I stuck my cock up your arse.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Exactly!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I couldn't bear it if you did THAT with her.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It would break my heart.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Look, if you really love me, Matt, you'll never see Robyn Crisp again.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- I can't do that.- Why not?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Cos she's just there.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Hello, love.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Good riddance to you and your buns!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And a pox on your bobble hat, too.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Frankly I'm not surprised Chloe forbid you to bang this Robyn chick behind her back.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's not like that. I wouldn't shag Robyn
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I wouldn't put my knob in She doesn't get it throbbin'
0:19:47 > 0:19:49But without her I'm sobbin'
0:19:49 > 0:19:53And I'm sad in my noggin And I haven't got an orange.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- What?- Nothing rhymes with orange. It was the only way I could stop.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Look, Chloe's a reasonable person.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- No, she isn't.- No, she isn't,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04but she wouldn't want to see you unhappy.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Why don't you arrange for them to meet without you there?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- That way Chloe will see Robyn for what she really is.- An alien?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- No. Just a friend. - Just my alien friend?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- She's got nothing to do with aliens. - Oh, good.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I don't want her to, they're scary.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Forget about aliens. It's non physical.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25You mean like a ghost?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Robyn's a ghost? That's even worse.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Just arrange for them to meet without you there.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30I'm not sending Chloe to meet a ghost alone.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Robyn isn't a ghost. - So you mean Chloe's a ghost?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I've been going out with a ghost!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- No. Chloe isn't a ghost. - Then who is? Are you a ghost?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42No! Nobody!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Nobody's a ghost.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46But what about all the dead people?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Are you saying there's no afterlife? No heaven, no hell?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Oh, there is a hell and I appear to be in it.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Now listen, arrange for Robyn to meet Chloe without you there
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and they might get on, do you understand?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Yes, mate. That's an excellent idea.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Although I wish you'd got to the point quicker,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06rather than banging on about all that religious shit.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12Oh, Matt, one of these days I am going to cave your head in.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- All right, peeps. - DK, Ollie's taking me caving!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Oh, that's great. The principal's moved me into accelerated maths.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- I'll totally rule. - Are you sure, mate?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- It's a tough class. - They're all geniuses like me.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28They'll be as nice as 3.14159265.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30What?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Pi, you stupid dick.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- DK, I'm not convinced you are a genius.- Oh, but he is.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38DK, you're the funniest man I know.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- You're so clever you can outwit anyone.- Thanks, Matt.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- How do you think of them? - Look, I have problems too, you know.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Are you still trying to kiss, Jas?- Yes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54I need to think of something more...creative.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58You need to pretend to be the thing that Jas loves more than anything else,
0:21:58 > 0:21:59then she won't be able to resist you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Genius! See!- Yes, but what's that?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05What does Jasmine love most in the entire world?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Herself.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Now, as I was saying, given that C equals 12 to the power of four,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19can anyone tell me what X is?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yes, DK?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22A chair.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Oh, DK, that's very interesting.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Maybe you would like to explain Platonic theory to the rest of the class.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Yeah. Um, a chair.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36That isn't an answer.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Chair?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Why are you saying chair?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Cos I'm a genius.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Wiki-wiki wa-wa chair.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48OK. I see.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's like you have no knowledge of classical philosophy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I thought you were meant to be a genius.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Now, everybody, let's give Darren another chance.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59So, DK, can you tell us what X is?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Excuse me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Doesn't he know this is the third floor?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15THUD
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- You?- Oh, hello, love!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Matt told me to meet him here.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Oh, that's sweet, Matt told me to meet him here too.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Oh, God, he's engineered this situation.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- What situation?- You and me, it's like a 1940s melodrama.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- So...- So...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50It appears we have designs on the same gentleman.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55- How could you be so crude? - It mustn't go on.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Quite so.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Unrequited desires eventually reduce the brain to jelly.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05A solution must be found.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Let us settle this...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11over a game of whist.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14No! That's not my style at all.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Listen to me, Robyn Crisp!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Yes, love?- Keep your horrible, bun-making, bingo-playing,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24bobble hat-knitting hands off Matt, or I'll bash your bloody head in!
0:24:24 > 0:24:29I think Matt's a very sweet chap, but he's honestly not my type.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31But, what I mean is...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I play for the other team.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39I have very little interest in your football allegiances, Robyn Crisp.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43No, I mean I'm a carpet muncher.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48I'm afraid your dietary requirements are of no concern either.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I'm a lovely lady lesbian!
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Ooh! Eeww! I mean...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- How very acceptable today. - We thank you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Are you looking at my bazookas?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Er, yes, I was.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Bang bang!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Please, biatch, you have to let me quit accelerated maths.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- They destroyed me with thoughts and then I landed on... - I know what you landed on.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22All I can say is, I'm sorry.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Why? You were a very soft landing.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Not about that.- What then?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32It appears there's been a slight clerical error -
0:25:32 > 0:25:36in other words, a balls-up.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41- What?- I received an e-mail from Dr Ladowski this morning. - More bum holes?
0:25:41 > 0:25:48If only. Darren, your IQ isn't 160, it's 106.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50What does that mean?
0:25:50 > 0:25:55It means congratulations, you're distinctly average!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Like you?- Hell, no!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00See you later, biatch!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Sssss.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26All right?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Oh, my God.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- My name's Jasmine Brown. - What the hell are you doing?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Hi, everyone!
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- I love myself and snogging Ollie! - I don't love snogging Ollie!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, but I do, I just don't like to admit it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Oh, for God's sake, stop it!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Why are you humiliating yourself?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Well, I was trying to get a kiss!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And you think this is the way to go about it?
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Y...yes?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Ollie, why would I kiss a man who's mocking me
0:26:59 > 0:27:02in these frankly most polyester of fabrics?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I was thinking low self-esteem.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Yeah, of course you were.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12But I'm not like that any more, Ollie. I'm not a stupid whore.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15You're the one that looks stupid for not realising that!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18You also look stupid for matching those tights with your colouring,
0:27:18 > 0:27:19you're an autumn.
0:27:19 > 0:27:25OK, Jas. Maybe I went a bit far, but I did all this out of love.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Hmm? I love you.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32I'm sorry, Ollie, I don't want you as a boyfriend.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And if kissing you is going to make you understand that,
0:27:35 > 0:27:36then fine, here's your kiss.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45You felt something, didn't you?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Oh, blaaaah!
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Blaaaah! Blaaaah!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I'm in.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Hey!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04God, you'd have thought he'd put some knickers on!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:25 > 0:28:32E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk