0:00:02 > 0:00:05- But I know you felt something when we kissed.- I didn't mean to, my hand slipped.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09Who are you?! Right, I don't want a sweetie,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I don't want to see your puppies and I don't want to suck your cock!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Our College is fun, our college is good,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Come to Wooton College or get covered in blood. #
0:00:18 > 0:00:24I'm delighted to tell you that you are our winners. Here's £500 to split between you.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Oh, my God.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Dad?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- # All we wanna do is oh-oh - Love me, love me
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# All we wanna do is oh-oh
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# All we wanna do is... #
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Listen, Darren, we need to talk.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Yeah, we do.- DK, I thought you said your dad went to prison?
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- Yeah, he did.- I've been a bad man. I've been away a long time.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54But I've done my time, I've paid my dues.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I don't care what he's done, this guy is cool.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59He's like an EastEnders gangster.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01"Stay away from my faaaamily!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Come on, Darren, I'll buy you a pizza.- All right, Dad.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Domino's?- Maybe after the pizza.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18- DK, do you really think you should go with him?- I have to.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19He's my dad.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Well, be careful.- Phone at any time.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And remember, you're a Womble.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38'Ere, Darren. Do you know why they call this a pizzeria?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Cos people have their pizza 'ere. Ha-ha.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Well, this is awkward.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Listen, little bear.- Little bear?
0:01:49 > 0:01:54- It's what I used to call you when you were small.- Do you know what I used to call you?- Daddy?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Nah. Lawrence Knobhead.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59How could you leave us, Dad?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I haven't seen you in nine years.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I don't even know what you're doing here now.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I'm trying to make things up, have a bit of a relationship.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- I'm a reformed character.- How?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I never stopped loving your mother. But we had our problems.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Her with the booze and the daily soaps.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Me with those addictive sawn-off shotguns.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I tried to give up, I really did.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- Not hard enough. - I tried cold turkey.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26But I killed a turkey with a sawn-off shotgun.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28But I learnt a lot in prison.
0:02:28 > 0:02:35- I got A Levels and I can put an entire bar of Imperial Leather up me 'arris.- Why?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Well, I had some free time, didn't I?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Well, I'm pleased for you, Dad. - I still like a flutter on the dogs and that.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Oh, yeah, course you do. That was your problem, wasn't it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- You wouldn't leave them mucky women alone. - No, gambling, gambling, Darren.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52It's what I do now, it's my job.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's your job?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'm a professional poker player.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- As it goes, there's a game on tonight. You can come along if you like.- No.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Come on, please. I wanna spend a bit of time with my boy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You and your mother are all I thought about on the inside.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It's what's on the inside that counts.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12In my case, a bar of Imperial Leather.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Right, maybe for half an hour or so. On one condition.- Yeah?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Stop shoving stuff up your arse.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Where's the garlic bread?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Sorry about that, force of habit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Chloe.- Yes, Matt?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I think this abacus is racist because all the colours are on different lines.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- They should be allowed to play together. - How very insightful, Matt.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48ALARM BEEPS Ah, 7:20.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Time for me to prune my bush.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Don't touch my computer.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Did she say "Don't touch my computer"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03or "Touchy, touchy, touch much"?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It was "Touchy, touchy, touch much".
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I'm going to look up pictures of bears.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh. What's this?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I didn't know Chloe had a Twitter...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16MyIdiotBF.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What's a BF?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Bear photographs, I hope!
0:04:25 > 0:04:31"My idiot BF has announced his abacus is racist, what a spank face".
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Ah.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"My idiot BF is trying to get me to have sex with him
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"by bringing me a dried-out frog he found in his garden".
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Oh, that was a gift of love!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Not so bushy this week.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Usually that lady shave looks like Fozzy Bear's face by the time I've finished with it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- Bears. Can we look at pictures of bears, Chloe?- Ah-ha.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Jas, now that we're officially friends,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I've got something I think you might like.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06# Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10What the hell is that?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11That...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13is your bum.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- My bum?- Yes.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Why on earth would you paint a picture of my bum?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Ollie, I thought we were over this.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Don't flatter yourself, Jas.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27I've painted plenty of people's bums. We have Chloe's bum...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30The Principal's bum...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37And Jeremy Clarkson's bum! Brrm, brrm...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You know this is really weird, don't you?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Are you some kind of bum-obsessed pervert?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Yes, I am. But also, as a young British artist, it's my style.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, and what do you call yourself?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"Pic-arse-o"?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You're lucky it's not Cara-vag-gio.
0:05:55 > 0:06:02- Or Con-stable.- Look, to get anywhere in the art world nowadays, you've got to have a "thing".
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Now most of these hacks choose talent or passion. Mine, is bum.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Enjoy.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19That was amazing, Dad. So you get to keep all that?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Not exactly.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I use other people's money, then take 10% of whatever I win.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I won 250 quid today.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31- What could you do with that? - Oh, right. Well, there's a game tomorrow, I could double it up easy.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, yeah, less your fee, of course.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37My fee? Do I look like the sort of geezer who'd take money off his own flesh and blood?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- You look like the sort of geezer that'd take flesh and blood from his own flesh and blood.- Don't be silly.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45That's an outrageous thing to say. We're family.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51- I want you to trust me again. You're my son. The only one I've got.- OK.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54So what do you say to my proposition?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55For you?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- OK.- Yes!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- The game's during the day, so you can't come with me.- I trust you.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Thanks.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07That means a lot to me, little bear.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Here you go.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Big bear.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Ah, no, no don't do that.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Sorry, force of habit.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28DK, what were you thinking?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Your dad is a convicted criminal.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33If you see that money again, I'll eat my hat.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I ate my hat once.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Why?- I was hungry.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Was it a pork pie?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44No, it was a hat.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49The point is, DK, you know absolutely nothing about this man, apart from the fact he's done time.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Yeah, but he's my dad. And he said he's a reformed character.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Yeah, well so did Willy the Knife McDougal.- Who?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Willy the Knife McDougal.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- He's another person who said he was a reformed character.- And?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Er, nothing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I was just making conversation.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- It is my shed. - Well, you're wrong. OK?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Now, I can feel a rap coming on.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Oh, woop de doo. - Yo, yo, yo, Mr K's in da house!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Wiki wiki wa wa braap. Oh, listen up, peeps, don't piss on my fire,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24cos my dad's in town and he ain't no liar
0:08:24 > 0:08:27He's gonna make me lots of money, so I can buy us all a honey
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Cos my philosophy is share the wealth
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Who gives a toss about sexual health?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Her name'll be Titwank, cos that's what she does
0:08:33 > 0:08:36We can take it in turns to cum on her fuzz. Balamory!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Oh, no! Chloe's put "Guess what he's done now?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"He's only said the capital of France is carrot."
0:08:48 > 0:08:51What are you talking about?
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Chloe's Twitter. She's got a Twitter account and it's called MyIdiotBF
0:08:56 > 0:08:58and I think it's about me. Look.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Oh, what gave you the hint?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The picture of you, perhaps?
0:09:03 > 0:09:08- I wish I could figure out what BF stood for.- It's boyfriend.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Boyfriend hasn't got an F in it, you stupid dick.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Anyway, I have to stop her. It's denting my self-confidence.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Well, I say kill her with kindness.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Or a brick, up to you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25What? No. Just do something nice for her
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and she'll feel so bad she'll close the feed.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Or at least write something good about you.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I think I might try that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And if it doesn't work, I'll kill her with a brick.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Only joking. God, sometimes you people just do not get me.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Actually, you should be delighted, Jas.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Er, why?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Well, if Ollie's a successful artist,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54this could be worth a fortune as an example of his bum period.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I had a bum period once.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It was disgusting.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Sounds it.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- You were saying.- You just need to make it work for you.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Yeah, but how?- I know. You could be a famous muse.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Like the Mona Lisa to Da Vinci.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Or Dave to Little Mikey Angelo.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I could set up an exhibition.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Exactly, Jas! Make an exhibition of yourself.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You're good at that.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Hi, guys.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32BOTH: Hey Robyn. Oh.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36BOTH: We... I said... You said...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39BOTH: This is...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42BOTH: Stop it. I can't.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43BOTH: Say something weird.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44BOTH: Tartrazine. Argh!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Shut up.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Nice bottom, Jas. - Why, thank you, you flirt.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Saw your Twitter feed, Chloe. Harsh much?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55There is nothing harsh about MyIdiotBF.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You said he was so stupid, he's scared of everything.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Well, he is.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Aagh! A tree!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07And he can't even spell his own name.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09He spells Matt with only one T.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Like the flooring.- Well, you do walk all over him.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Don't you worry about Matt finding out?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Oh, no. I keep it top secret.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19If he ever found out, he'd be...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Devastated.- No!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Killed.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25In his bed.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27By my army of monkeys.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's not really fair, though.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"He's managed to tie his shoelaces.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37"To his face." You're making him look a fool.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Listen, Dr Miriam Stoppard,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42when I want your advice on my relationship, I'll ask for it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I just don't think it's nice.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Well, I don't think licking another lady's chuff is nice,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50but you still do it, don't you, Robyn Crisp?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Stop it, you two.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57She started it. Judging me. Who do you think you are? Judge Pubey?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Cos you're a lesbian.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Who eats pubes.- Oh, yeah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04All us lesbians love to eat pubes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I sprinkle them on my trifle every Sunday.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Shut up. Jas, punch her.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12No, Chloe. I agree with Robyn.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Imagine Matt's sad little face if he saw it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I would simply distract him with something shiny.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I can't give it up.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh, Chlo, why? It's so cruel.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27"If he drops any more IQ points, it'll be like dating a cucumber.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"Only a cucumber's better in bed."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Oh, I'm a wit.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Whatever the case, Chloe,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I think you're in for a rough ride when Matt finds out.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Anyway, I've got a free period.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Can I borrow this?- No!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh! I'll have to use a mirror again.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Chloe, I've got you a present.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- I don't want any more dried-out frogs.- No. It's this milkshake.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I made it myself.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Mars Bar and marshmallow. Your favourite.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Technically, you blend it first.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- It's still your favourite.- Quite so.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Now, I've just got to write something down.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Oh, look! She said I got her milkshake wrong.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26HE LAUGHS
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- And I'm an even bigger idiot than Ollie.- She what?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Look. You're just going to have to man up about it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But how do I man up? I don't want to grow any more penises.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Who are the most manly people you know?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42My dads. They're so manly, they have sex with each other.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And what would they do in this situation?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Well, they can be quite bitchy
0:13:46 > 0:13:50so I suppose they'd seek revenge and then go clubbing.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Revenge is good.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Set up your own Twitter. That might make you feel better.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Good idea. I'll call it My Spoilt Girlfriend.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Or MySpoiltGF.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02What does GF stand for?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Giraffe, Matt.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Ollie, you're so stupid sometimes.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I don't have a giraffe!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Ollie, I've been thinking about your art.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Jas, if you've come to take the piss...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27No. I've changed my mind, I think it's brilliant.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So brilliant, in fact, I'm going to organise you an exhibition.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32An exhibition? Really?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- You think I'm that good?- Yes, Ollie.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Talent like yours needs an audience.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And a muse that takes 20%.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Let's give it a go.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46OK. What pieces would you like to display?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Well, there are the various paintings, obviously.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54But recently I've been experimenting with other mediums.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- Hmm. All on the theme of bum? - Of course.
0:14:56 > 0:15:02It's like I always say, "Art. Theme. Bum."
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You've never said that.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Not out loud, obviously.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08People would think I was mad.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Now, firstly, there's my pottery work.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Ooh, very nice.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I sat for it myself.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Then, of course, there's my musical installation.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Bravo.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And finally, there's my fashion work.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Fashion work?
0:15:38 > 0:15:44In fact, I think I've got the perfect dress for you to wear to celebrate my opening.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Up a bit. Up a bit more.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Come on, you're not doing it properly. Down a bit.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Right, now it's all off centre.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Oh, for God's sake, do it yourself, you fussy old woman.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I'm going to sort out the canapes.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06You can't blame me. Tonight's the night Ollie Arse becomes a star.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09You're name's Ollie Sinclair.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Yes, but Ollie Arse sounds more Brit Art.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15What can my name be then?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- As your muse?- Ooh. Right.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22It needs to be something pacey, something zeitgeisty, something now.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Right, I've got it! Jas Arse.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I don't want to be called Jas Arse. People might think we're married.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Nice bottom, Jas.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Why, thank you, you flirt.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Jas, I need to talk to you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Are you responsible for this?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43MySpoiltGF?
0:16:43 > 0:16:49Um, surprisingly not, Chlo, because I have what is known as a life.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Um, no you don't. You've organised an exhibition for bummies.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56The one thing you lack is a life.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Well, it wasn't me. What's it about?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It's about this man who goes out with this total princessy brat.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04And they've used my photo.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Somebody's obviously taken offence at the MyIdiotBF feed
0:17:08 > 0:17:11and fabricated this horrid character.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Well, I think it's perfectly obvious who it is.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Yes. I agree.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Robyn! Stop writing things about me on Twitter.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22OK.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24And take down MySpoiltGF.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27MySpoiltGF isn't me. I think it's pretty obvious who that is.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30The Principal?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32No. Matt.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Matt? But why would Matt do something like this to me?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Revenge, probably.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And it is funny.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Chloe still wears a nappy some nights.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Not cos she needs it, cos her mum likes changing her."
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Ew. That's rough.- And untrue.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I'm perfectly capable of changing myself.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Dad!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Hey, little bear. 500 quid as promised.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Thanks, Dad. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Here, I tell you what, I'll take you out for another pizza.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Something wrong, Dad?- Yeah, game in Oxford tonight, big stakes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Who cares what you eat?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It'll be serious money, Darren.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- If I had some cash, I could win big. - How big?- Enough to see me all right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24See you and your mum all right, God rest her soul.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- She's not dead.- Likes a kip, though, don't she?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Well, you can have that 500 quid if you like.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Don't be silly, don't be daft. Take your mum out for a nice dinner or something.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- I'd need at least five grand. - Five grand?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43If I could find myself something to pawn. A nice little bit of jewellery.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Jewellery?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I'd buy it straight back with the winnings, like.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Dad! Mum's got her engagement ring.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Oh, do me a favour. I haven't seen your mum since I popped out ten years ago.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58If I turned up and asked for that ring, she'd cut my cock off.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Maybe you're right.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Yeah, I am right. I couldn't ask you to do something like that.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Even though I could win 50 grand.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Could you?
0:19:08 > 0:19:13You know what, Darren, I really would love to pay your mother back.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- I can get the ring for you. - What do you mean, get it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, by get it, I mean nick it.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23No, no, no, no, no.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You'd do that for your mother?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You're a good boy, Darren.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Well, it's to help her, innit? - Yeah, help her.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33And when she finds out that it was you that made her all the money,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and that you've kicked the booze, you might get back together.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Yeah, we might. We just might do that.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'll go and get it for you now, Dad.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You're a good boy, little bear.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- You make me so proud. - I'm proud of you, Dad.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I'm so nervous, Jas.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I feel like a celebrity.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, you are. You're the precociously talented
0:20:05 > 0:20:08young British artist everyone's come to see.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'm so proud of you, Ollie.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'm proud of me, too.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I'd better go and meet my adoring fans.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I don't wish to poo-poo it, Wilberforce.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Poo-poo it!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That's funny cos it's like bums.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I've always thought that Oliver was a bright boy,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37but it turns out he's a bit...backwards!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Oh, Jane. Are you going to keep him BEHIND?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45No need. He's already hit rock BOTTOM.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, Jane, you're so funny.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Please sleep with me?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Bums!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Yes, I know, but is it art?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Are you sure you don't mean, "But is it arse"?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Robyn, hi.- Oh, Ollie, hi.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12So, what do you think of my exhibition?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I think it's, er, it's good.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Good?- Yes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21In fact, I think it's bum-derful!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Jas!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- What's wrong?- We have to close this exhibition now.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- But people are still arriving. - That's the point.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Everyone's laughing at me, Jas.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Now, are you sure they're not just...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40reacting emotionally to your vision?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42GUFFAWING
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Right, that's it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Everyone out! Hey! Get out, you Philistines!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Ollie, why are you doing this? - Because my work is shit!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I see what you did there. Oh!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Get out! Right now!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05My God. It's as beautiful as the day I went down on one knee
0:22:05 > 0:22:06and give it your mum in the Beaver.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I'd rather not hear about that, thanks, Dad.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- The Beaver's a pub, Darren. - Oh, yeah, sorry.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Listen, thanks for doing this, Dad. - Don't you mention it, Son.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Here, do you want my 500 quid n'all? - No. Absolutely not.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Go on, then, you twisted my arm.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Right. I'll see you later, Darren.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Can't I come with you? - Best not, no.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Some of the characters at these bigger games, they get a bit thuggish.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- I don't want you getting involved. - All right. Thanks, Dad.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oooh! I wrote a rap about it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Yo, yo, yo, ladies, Mr K's... - Time's getting on, Darren.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Got to get down the pawnbroker's. - Oh, yeah, it'll only take a second.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'm Mr K, I'm winning the cash...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- It's getting late, Darren! - Oh, all right.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- How long you going to be? - Couple of hours.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Cool, I'll just wait here then, yeah?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03You wait there, mate, you wait there. ENGINE STARTS
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- I'll see you later, little bear. - Right. Thanks, Dad. Good luck!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Bala...mory.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- Hello, Chloe! You wanted to see me? - Oh, hello, Matthew Cobbett.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Or should I say MySpoiltGF?!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Oh, hello, Chloe Wheeler, or should I say MyIdiotBF?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40- You knew?- You knew?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Yes, I think my biggest clue was earlier
0:23:43 > 0:23:46when you Tweeted at me, asking how to spell Matt.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh. You weren't offended, were you?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Offended? How could I be offended by such bon mots as
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"She hit me cos the shop only had Pepsi."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- But that was true.- I don't want people to think I'm spoilt.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- But you are spoilt.- Then people should learn not to indulge me.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05They have to, or you hit them.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Well, they deserve it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Anyway, everything I wrote about you was true, too.- No, it wasn't.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I have three GCSEs, not four. And Mensa didn't chuck me out.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17They laughed and gave me an orange.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, Matt. We're like chalk and cheese.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Tasty?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I don't think this is going to work, Matt. We're so different.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, no. We're the same. We both like Pingu and...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31No, fundamentally.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34We both fundamentally like Pingu.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Our differences are too great. That's why I wrote all that on Twitter.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Cos I'm just so frustrated.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42At going out with an idiot BF?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Yes! And you're frustrated cos I'm so spoilt.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Chloe, I don't want to split up.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- I love you.- I love you, too.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55But we don't have a choice if we want to keep our Twitter feeds going.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Mine's very popular.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Can't we just shut down the feeds
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- and, like, talk to each other? - Talk to each other?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Do you think it could work?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I'm game if you are. Let's delete.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15OK.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20BOTH: And delete!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Listen, Chloe. I know you think I'm a fool,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27but I'm not a fool, and I'm going to try hard to prove I'm not a fool
0:25:27 > 0:25:28and not do anything foolish.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh, Matt.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Try harder.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Coitus?
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Yes, please!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Mmm, my favourite kind of milkshake.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Hey.- Oh, hi, Jas.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- What are you doing?- Sunbathing.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I'm burning my work.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Looks like I'm not going to be a celebrated British Artist after all.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Aw, Ollie.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10You know what this has been?
0:26:10 > 0:26:16This has been my anus horribilis, ha...ha...ha.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I brought you this.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Thanks!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Are you going to be OK?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Well, I've been laughed at, humiliated,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32my life's work torn to pieces in front of my eyes.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35But things could be worse.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Yeah.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39How exactly?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I could have lost you as a friend.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46After everything we've been through in the last year,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50the break up, the fighting, the tears...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I'm glad we're still friends, Jas.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Yeah. I'm glad we're still friends, too.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Hey. Hot arse, by the way.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Oh, shut up!- I meant it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Those are some seriously flamin' cheeks.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43DK, why don't we get the ring back?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47My dad pawned it for thousands. How are we going to raise the cash?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50If we're going to rob this pawnbrokers, we need a disguise.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Not a prawn shop.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Pawn!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00ALARM BLARES
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Oh, spiffing. What do we now?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Masturbate?
0:28:04 > 0:28:05No. Run!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk