0:00:02 > 0:00:05I've been a bad man. I've been away a long time. But I've paid my dues.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08DK, do you really think you should go with him?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I have to. He's my dad.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14He spells Matt with only one T. Like the flooring!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Well, you do walk all over him.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19It's as beautiful as the day I went down on one knee
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and gave it your mum in The Beaver.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Ooh, very nice!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I SAT for it myself.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:30 > 0:00:31- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- # All we wanna do is- Oh! - Oh love me, love me
0:00:34 > 0:00:35- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- # All we wanna do is- Oh! - All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# All we wanna do is... #
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Hello, Darren.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52All right...biatch.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Have you been here all night?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Em...yeah.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Why?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01It just looked so lovely under the stars.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It was freezing!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yeah, e-exactly.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I'm cold-blooded. Like Piers Morgan.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13- Right, what's the matter? - Nothing. I'm OK.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Then why are you shivering like a puppy at a Korean banquet?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Because I'm coming.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Yes, coming with me.- Really, biatch?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Let's get you inside.- Oh, my God!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The college, Darren.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So, what were you doing outside all night?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Loving the leathers, sweetheart.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36We're not here to talk about my leathers.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I'm just saying, though, they're fit.
0:01:38 > 0:01:44- What is wrong?- Seriously, it's like the last scene in Grease when Sandy goes all horny and gets a perm.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- DK, you're the one that I want... - There she goes!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49..to talk about.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51# Ooh-ooh-ooh, honey! #
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Listen, DK. I'm worried.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57When I found you outside just now, you had chills
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and they were multiplying.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# And I'm losing control... #
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Stop it!
0:02:02 > 0:02:07I'm sorry, biatch, I just didn't know you were a Hells Angel.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10There's lots of things people don't know about me.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16For example, I bet you didn't know I used to be Aretha Franklin.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20# While combing my hair now
0:02:20 > 0:02:23# And wondering what dress to wear now
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# I say a little prayer for you... #
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Man, it's tough being Aretha Franklin.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I think I'll go and run a college in Abingdon now.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Cheerie-bye, Motown!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I did not know that.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44DK, I'm worried about you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I promise I've never been better.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49That's what my granddad said before he did something very stupid.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- You mean he..?- Booked a two-week package holiday to Faliraki!
0:02:53 > 0:02:59A man of 82 should never let himself be eye-humped by a ladyboy.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I don't know what he was thinking.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Probably, "I'd like to be eye-humped by a ladyboy."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06DK,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09we've known each other for some time now.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Mostly, I have found you to be annoying,
0:03:12 > 0:03:17irritating, obtuse, puerile,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19deliberately disruptive...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Stop it, Jane. You're making me blush!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But I have come to care about you very deeply,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28maybe even to the detriment of other students.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31DK, when I find you on a kerb
0:03:31 > 0:03:35shivering like George Michael without a doobie-spliff...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39..it makes me very upset.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- No, because I don't care!- Really?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- HIS VOICE WAVERS - No, I don't, biatch.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I don't care that my dad screwed me over
0:03:49 > 0:03:51or that I stole my mum's engagement ring
0:03:51 > 0:03:54or about the horrible feelings of guilt and resentment.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- DK...- No, no, no! To prove how fine I am,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'm going to do a lovely rap for you.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59DK, there's no...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yo yo, ladies Mr K is in da house
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Wiki wikiwa wa braaaaap!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I'm Mr K I'm suave and fit
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I got a drunk for a mum and a dad who's a shit
0:04:07 > 0:04:09How could I know he'd invaded my life
0:04:09 > 0:04:12To use me to steal from my mum His ex-wife?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I-I-I...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh, Darren.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Come here.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Balamory.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31So who'd like to come and fly my kite with me?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It's a windy day and it's shaped like a fish.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Anyone?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45No! Now, Robyn Crisp, as you've probably realised, I'm no homophobe,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49but I do take offence at you constantly banging on about your sexuality.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I didn't say anything about my sexuality.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53There you go again!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55On and on and on.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You never stop talking about washing your face in the pink sink.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Where did you get that horrible expression from?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It's a common phrase. Like shouting up vag valley,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08or colonising the musky jungle,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11or shaking hands with the hairy prawn,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13or Frenching her frizz,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15or playing the flesh banjo,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17or pasting over the happy crack,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19or sending back the sausages,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22or reading Fanny Hill, or twatlapping,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26or a bit of the old Jenny Four-tits.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28We just call it making love.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
0:05:31 > 0:05:37You know, Chloe, when you say things like that, you just sound really scared and ignorant.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Maybe you should give it a go.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Give it a go? When I have Matt?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Chloe says I have the skin of a woman.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Shut up, Matt!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Stop eating your tie.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53But I'm hungry and it tastes of tomato.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Ollie?- No. I've never flown a kite.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I don't like looking up. The Welsh are a very pessimistic people.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04So that's a no then, everyone?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Well...- Oh, do you want to come, Matt?- No, he does not. Bugger off!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Well, all right then. See you later, guys.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Bye, you repressed ginger bitch.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- What?! What did you say?- Nothing.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Hi, sexy.- Hi, fishy.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Hi, Jasmine. Would you like to come and play in the park with me?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29It didn't work when Uncle Rufus asked and it won't work now.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Has anyone seen DK? He's not answering his phone.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Why are you phoning DK?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Do you fancy him?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42# Jas fancies DK # Jas fancies DK... #
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You people are useless! DK is actually missing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I'm going to find someone who cares.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Well, I feel terrible.- Me too.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Although that could be the gin I had for breakfast.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Me too. But that could be the mothballs I had for breakfast.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Where did you find mothballs?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- In your pants! - HE LAUGHS
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I must not try wit again.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- No.- I'm going to get punished, aren't I?- Yes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22Now, Darren - don't worry, be happy.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23# Don't worry
0:07:23 > 0:07:25# Be happy
0:07:25 > 0:07:29# Ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh... #
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Excuse me, Miss... Ah, DK!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Jas, can you come back later?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I'm very, very busy.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- # Ooh ooh-ooh... # - Actually, biatch, Jas is my mate.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I'd like her to know what's happened.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43And I need you to stop doing...that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48OK, DK. But, Jas, I need you to understand, this is a very serious matter.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Argh! My fish is out of control!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57You're young! Enjoy it!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- So what we're going to do, DK, is try and find a way to take your mind off your dad.- Aww, you guys.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I know! We could beat you up!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10What?
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Not really badly. A bit of physical pain to take your mind off your emotions.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Just a black eye or a broken rib or a fork in your...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20No, thanks, but no, thanks.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Much as I'd like a good forking.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Why don't we all get drunk? Hmm?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- That'll take our minds off it. - Not after last time.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31The last time was a veritable laugh riot.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And so I said to her,
0:08:36 > 0:08:41"You may be a duchess, but you certainly ain't no lady!"
0:08:41 > 0:08:43THEY LAUGH
0:08:43 > 0:08:46No, Ollie. It wasn't like that at all.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50And so I said to her, "You might be a duchess,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54"but you've got absolutely no tits!" Huh?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56OLLIE LAUGHS
0:08:56 > 0:08:58No, it wasn't like that either.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04OLLIE GROANS
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Duchess is a shit.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Yeah, maybe getting me drunk in this state's a bad idea.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Anyone got any heroin?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I haven't got heroin.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I am a heroine! SHE LAUGHS
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I'm a heron, too! Look, Chloe, look!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Look!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33HE SQUAWKS
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Look at me, Chloe! I'm a heron!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Oh, good lord. Oh, dear God, please forgive me, but I shall have to kill him.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43HE CONTINUES TO SQUAWK
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Heron!- Hey.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Come on, mate. It's all right.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Let's have a lovely sit down.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Wait. I've just thought of something else.- What?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Oral sex makes me happy.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01- Aww, Matt!- Are you seriously suggesting we all suck DK's cock?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh! Mmm!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Well, I am absolutely stuffed.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Me too.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15My portion was a bit lumpy.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Mine was delicious.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Well, thank goodness we decided to have those trifles instead of sucking DK's cock.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Unfortunately, DK's still sad.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Maybe I could cheer him up.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33HERON! HE SQUAWKS
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's lovely of you all to think of me,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38but this is my problem and I've got to sort it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42No way, DK. We're friends. Friends stick together.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Like glue and the pages of your Fat Trannie magazines.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I know, but...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I just think I'd like to be alone.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Not a chance! When my dad died, who was the first person there for me?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- You'd sort of hope it would be your mum.- Yeah, you would, but it wasn't. It was you.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03She was far too busy doing this.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- And now your mum can't be there for you... - Because of her mental bitch status.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Yes, Chloe... Now she can't be there, I'd like to repay the favour.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18You know, you may have just turned up on the day of the funeral
0:11:18 > 0:11:20with a can of pre-mixed gin and tonic and some porn,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22but it meant a lot.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25To me...and my aunt.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And you've been there for me, DK.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31When I accidentally shagged Ollie's driving instructor behind those bins...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35..you were the one that helped me.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Yeah, but you were the one that let me keep your knickers.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42I didn't.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Oh, so you're going to be wanting these back then.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57No!
0:11:57 > 0:12:03And how did you get your big fat arse and ten-inch schlong into the knickers of a sylph-like maiden?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05It was cold when I put 'em on.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You've helped me too, DK. When I couldn't get my shoes on that time,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13you taught me how to tell left from right.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Right, left. Left, right. Right, left...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, no!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Hey, come on, mate, it's OK.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Remember? Heron!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Oh, my God, stop living in the past, man.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Heron was so ten minutes ago.- And...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Well, I'm not the type of person who needs help,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36but...your face amuses me!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Good work.- We just want to be there for you, DK.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Thanks, guys. I just really don't want to think about what happened.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Then let's all go for a lovely trip out?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48To the off-licence.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Yeah. Just us. The gang.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And it will be all completely non-dad related and shit.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58MUSIC: "Daddy Cool" by Boney M
0:13:47 > 0:13:50For God's sake! It's May!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yeah!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00There he is.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02DK.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Sorry everything was so incredibly coincidentally about fathers.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Look, I haven't been 100% honest with you lot.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11This ain't about my dad.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14This is about my mum's ring.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- HE SNIGGERS - Ring.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19What's this about a ring, Frodo?
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I did something to my mum's ring that no good son should ever do.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, DK, I saw a documentary about this on More4.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32It's completely understandable. Normal, even.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36SHE MOUTHS
0:14:39 > 0:14:40I stole it
0:14:40 > 0:14:45and gave it to my dad to pawn so he could use it in an underground gambling den. But I did it for her.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Sounds like it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50He said he could use it in a game to make more money.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I thought that might get them back together.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Well, that was stupid, you stupid dick.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yeah, I know! Haven't you ever done anything stupid?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Umm...
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Red means...
0:15:02 > 0:15:07cross cos when people are cross, they go red.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20No.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- How do I get rid of the guilt? - You could go and confess everything to the college chaplain.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Now you're sure you're a chaplain?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Yep. I'm a lovely little chaplain.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35You can help me get rid of my guilt?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38All you have to do is bite the head off this live chicken.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Has the guilt gone? Do you feel any better?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47No. In fact, I feel worse.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49HE COUGHS
0:15:49 > 0:15:52DK, why don't we get the ring back?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55My dad pawned it for thousands. How could we raise that sort of cash?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Nick the ring.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Who's Nick The Ring?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02No. Nick - steal.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Oh, so you mean Nick The Ring is just Nick Steel's stage name.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07There is no stage name.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, well, Nick Steel strikes me as a very common name.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12He should probably get one.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14No. Nick Steel doesn't exist.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18You mean he's gone into hiding? Tax evasion, was it?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19No. No, no.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24When I say "nick", I mean, take away.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26We're having a takeaway?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Shot gun pizza! - Nobody's having any pizza!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I suppose I don't mind a curry.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32No. No, no!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Nobody's having any food!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36No food at all.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39You mean we're all going to starve?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Why don't we just rob the ring?
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Good idea, mate. Though we should probably crack on with that first before we order our takeaway.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's a brilliant plan.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Now, hold your hairy horse bags!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Are you guys sure about this? I mean, what if I get caught?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Me! Lovely me! We have to think about me for a second.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05She's right, peeps. I can't ask you to do this.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Look, I'm going to go and tell my mum what I've done.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I'll see you tomorrow...I hope.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12DK, come back here.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Chloe, what are you talking about?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Well, I'm just saying, this is very high-risk
0:17:17 > 0:17:19and I have my future to think of.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Right, well, you go and think about your future.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I'm going to help DK.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- Me too.- Me too! All for one and nine for me!
0:17:28 > 0:17:34Chloe, how could you miss this opportunity to commit a real crime?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Ooh, that's true! It'll be like Reservoir Dogs!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That film's so romantic.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Em, no.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yes.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Slashy, slashy, slash-slash!
0:17:59 > 0:18:04- Aww!- For God's sake, Chloe! We're not going to kill anyone!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Oh. Well, now I'm not so keen.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Look, you're coming and that's that!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Well, I'll come, but I'm not happy about it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15That's what she says when I stick my thumb up her arse.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Lovely. So, if we're going to rob this pawnbroker's,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25first we need to find a disguise.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Then we'll meet in half an hour in the shed.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30# All we wanna do is All we wanna do is... #
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Hi, Jas. All set?- Ollie,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35why are you dressed as a paedophile?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- I'm Doctor Who.- Doctor Who?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Yes, it's the only disguise I've got.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Hey, you want to see my sonic screwdriver?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Only if you want me to exterminate you.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- What?- Exterminate you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Like the Daleks off Doctor Who!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Oh, I've not seen it. This outfit was entirely guess work.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Then how did you know about the sonic screwdriver?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02There's a sonic screwdriver in Doctor Who?!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05They must have got that idea from me.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, for God's sake, where is everyone?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Hi, guys.- Chloe?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, I guess no-one would suspect a tree.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Look, before Matt gets here,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I want you to know I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Er...Matt?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Why on earth are you dressed like that?!
0:19:25 > 0:19:30It's a porn shop, so to help blend in, I've come as some porn.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34OK, you cannot go out on the streets dressed like that.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38And anyway, Matt, it's a pawn shop! Pawn.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Oh. I'll go and find something else.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Any better?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52No! Not a prawn shop.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Pawn! P-A-W-N!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'll go and find something else.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Any better?- It'll have to do. Where's DK? We need to go in a minute.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- HIGH-PITCHED:- Hi, guys.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh, for God's sake! OK!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Listen up, everyone, here's the plan.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17As soon as we get in the shop, Matt and Ollie will restrain Basil,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Chloe will keep watch outside.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Me and DK will get the ring then it's off to our getaway vehicle.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24What is our getaway vehicle?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Well, it's the Number 32 bus,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30but it stops on the corner every ten minutes. Are there any questions?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Ooh, ooh, ooh!- Chloe?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36No. Ha!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Right, now, be careful. We don't want to look suspicious.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Are we absolutely, completely and totally sure this is a good idea?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Shut up, Chloe. - That isn't an answer, bitch.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Look, just stick to the plan and everything will be fine, OK?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Oh, no, we don't need to do that, sexy tits. Look.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58So?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- ALARM BELL RINGS - DK!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08We have to get out of here!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oi, stop! Hooligans!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, spiffing. What do we now?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- There's only one thing we can do, love.- Masturbate?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26No. Run!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- The other way, Matt!- Oh, yeah!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Oi! Stop! Hooligans! Again!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Argh!- Jas!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Are you OK?- Yeah...
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Oh, bollocks.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Right, you two, what's going on? - We were just...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48going for a jog?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50You is nicked.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It's just like Life On Mars, isn't it?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Argh! My fishy kite!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Come back!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08My fishy kite!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- He's gaining on us! - What are we going to do?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14We'll have to split up.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49All right. All right!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52All right, pig. You've got me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55DK, look out!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Aaaaaargh!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Oops.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Thanks, sweetheart.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Oh, God, what are we going to do? - Sex?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Certainly not! Don't you realise what I am?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Frigid?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25No.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- A monster?- No.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29A fugitive on the run from the law.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34What I need is a way of getting the police to let me off.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35You could get them doughnuts.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Policemen like doughnuts.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39And beating people up in the back of vans.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Or I could bring them one of the other culprits.- What are you doing?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Matthew Cobbett, you're under arrest.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48What? I don't believe this.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I'm being arrested by a tree!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57DK! What's going on? Why were you running away from that policeman?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I committed a robbery. On the pawnbrokers.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02My dad pawned my mum's ring. I was getting it back.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Wow! And I thought flying a kite was exciting.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Did you?
0:24:08 > 0:24:13No. I was trying to make friends with everyone.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I'm basically very sad.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17OK. Next time, try money.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Or Jenga!- Money.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Twister!- Money.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Or I could get my tits out.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25That could work.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Lesbian!
0:24:27 > 0:24:31What are you going to do? You're on the lamb.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Pardon?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36The lamb! You know, the run.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Then why did you say lamb?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Is it cos I'm BAAAAAD?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47So, this robbery - were you armed?
0:24:47 > 0:24:48No, I wasn't hurt.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I meant, did you have a weapon?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- We had a brick.- We?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Average size.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Who was with you?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The gang, all of us.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02The gang! I wouldn't have bothered with my kite
0:25:02 > 0:25:05if I'd known all it needed was a bit of armed robbery to fit in.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07No, specsy, your kite saved my skin.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09The whole thing was pointless anyway.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Why? Because crime doesn't pay?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15No, cos I lost the ring. I dropped it while I was running away from that copper.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19So now Jas and Ollie are in jail, me and Chloe are on the run
0:25:19 > 0:25:20and Matt's a knobhead.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What's that go to do with anything?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It just irritates me sometimes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Well, there's only one thing you can do now.- Jenga?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- No.- Twister?- No.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Tits? Ohh...
0:25:33 > 0:25:38No! You've got to ask the one person in the world with the means and inclination to help.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Agh!- Ugh!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- Ugh!- Oh!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Oh!- Ugh!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44- Ugh!- Ah!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Oh!- Ah!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Ah!- Oh!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49- Ee!- Ah!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Oh!- Ah!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Ah!- Oh!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Darren Karrimor!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Or should I say Karen Karrimor?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Sorry to burst in, mate, but there's been a bit of trouble.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I need your help, biatch.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Wilberforce, I'm sorry.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You'll have to wait until tomorrow to serve a big one into my area.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11OK, Jane.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I almost got some poontang then, you little jiz-job.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- What's the matter? Tell me everything.- We...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Aaargh!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Well, it seems that you lot are free to go.- What?
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Mr Spoke, the owner of the pawnbroker's, agreed to drop all charges.- Why did he do that?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Basil and I go back a long way.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I happen to know that everything in his shop is stolen.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41This is yours.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44My hip flask! Cheers!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45This is yours.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Thought you escaped, did you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I'll teach you not to run away, Cardinal Ratzinger.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Jas, this is yours.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- That's not mine!- Oh.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Well, I'd best keep it, then. Matt...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Dinner!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Right, let's go.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Nothing in there for me, Miss?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Wait a second! What's this?!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Biatch! My mum's ring!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- Where did you find it? - Well, actually...
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Never mind that! The important thing is the principal saved the day again!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24How can I ever thank you?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, hang on!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28What's this?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Ah, my first album.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35This provokes so many memories.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# The moment I wake up
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- # Before I put on my make-up - Make-up
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# I say a little prayer for you... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:49MUSIC: "Say A Little Prayer" by Aretha Franklin
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Snap out of it!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:23 > 0:28:26E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk