0:00:01 > 0:00:08.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- He's gaining on us. - What are we going to do? - We'll have to split up.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I don't care that my dad screwed me over.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22I don't care that I stole my mum's engagement ring
0:00:22 > 0:00:24or about the guilt and resentment.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- I'm going to get punished?- Yes!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Nwah! Nwah!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I really think he needs help.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Ergh! Ergh! Ergh!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Look at me, Chloe! I'm a heron!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# All we wanna do is, oh # All we wanna do is, oh
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- # All we wanna do is, oh, oh - Love me, love me
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# All we wanna do is, oh
0:00:44 > 0:00:45# All we wanna do is, oh
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# All we wanna do is, oh, oh
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# All we wanna do is. #
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Please, Jane. I just really think I can help him.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- He'd be a challenge.- A challenge?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00You don't seem to realise what Darren Karrimor is like.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03He's... He's a prick.
0:01:04 > 0:01:10Only last week, he tied Mr De Wilde's shoelaces together during his Brian Blessed impression...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13OK, everyone, who's this?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Gordon's aliiiiiiiiiiive!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23He stuck a potato up my exhaust pipe.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I'm serious.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36Imagine. He'd be able to tie great knots and cook a hedgehog.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38OK.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- I hope you understand what you're letting yourself in for. - I understand.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48Fine. When DK gets in, I'll let him know he's joining your scout troop.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Hurroo! Hurrrah! Hooray!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Shutty, Shutty, Shutty!
0:01:56 > 0:02:01- What is happening?- I've got PMT. Do you know what that is?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Isn't it, like, something to do with clocks?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08That's GMT.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Although, it is to do with time...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- of the month.- Oh, bloody hell.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Exactly!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17What shall I do? Shall I phone a policeman?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Look, why don't you just shut up and get out?!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22OK.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Don't leave me! I'm saaaaaaad.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Where are you going?- Out.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Fine. Just abandon me.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- See if I care.- But...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Do you mean you want me to stay?
0:02:37 > 0:02:43No, I mean, I hate you, I hate everyone. Pass me my fat pants
0:02:43 > 0:02:45and bugger off!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51She was in a terrible mood.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Chloe? In a terrible mood? Never(!)
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I mean, even more terrible than usual.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03If this were 1956, I'd describe it as, "perfectly ghastly, Miss Havisham".
0:03:03 > 0:03:05But this isn't 1956.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Then she was a total bitch.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Matt, I think it's perfectly obvious what's wrong with Chloe.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- You think she's been possessed by the devil?- No, it's just PMT.
0:03:17 > 0:03:24- That's what Chloe 'claimed'. - Look, my advice to deal with her is to agree with everything she says.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Just say, "I agree".
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I agree.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And buy her chocolate.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36- Chocolate.- Hi!- Hi, Robyn.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Robyn, Chloe's got PMT, do lesbians get PMT?
0:03:39 > 0:03:46No, Matt, we're not technically women, so we just get an insane urge to own power tools instead(!)
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I wish Chloe was a lesbian.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Took the words right out of my mouth.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57What? Who doesn't get the urge for a bit of ginger minge, as an alternative, once in a while?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I'm gay, deal with it, losers.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03All right, peeps.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06What's with the sad face, chad face?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I've just been to see the Principal.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Didn't even show me her tits.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Has the Principal ever shown you her tits?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Let's just say, not knowingly.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19What have you done this time?
0:04:19 > 0:04:24The Principal wants me join Mr Palmer's scout troop to give me direction.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I don't want to be one of his scouts.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30So basically I'm just going to ruin his meeting so he kicks me out.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Well, that sounds both fascinating and brilliant.
0:04:34 > 0:04:40- But I've gotta go. I've got a job. - A job?- Yeah. A modelling job.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45I'd best go and get ready. By which I mean Google bulimia and wax my chuff.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- See you later, guys.- Bye, Jas.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yeah, and good luck.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, isn't that lovely news?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57A girl like Jas, she'll be on the front cover of Diva magazine
0:04:57 > 0:05:00posing with Katy Perry in a string bikini.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I imagine they'll be drawing tiny circles in baby oil
0:05:03 > 0:05:11on each other's thighs, just round and round and round and round...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Who here isn't turned on?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No-one? OK!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I think it's nice Jas has got a job she'll enjoy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Well, yes, it's nice she's got a job she might enjoy, yes, but think of the downsides.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27She might move to Paris or New York and then I'll never get see her again.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Except for on the front of Diva, round and round and round and...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Robyn, have you ever thought of...?
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Setting up a regular meeting of Wooton College's Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender community
0:05:39 > 0:05:45so we can exchange ideas in a safe environment whilst not feeling so isolated and different?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46I was gonna say getting a shag.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Both are good.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59That'll teach you, Mr Baa.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Now you'll know not to be so damn cute!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Hi, Chloe.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Mattington!- I agree.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Listen, Matt, I'm sorry about earlier.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It's my hormones, they're haywire.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And I take it out on you but I don't mean to.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Come here for a snugly wuggly buggly boo.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I agree.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Here, have some chocolate.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, my God, chocolate!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Ugh.- What?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- It's just you look a bit... - What Matthew?- You know...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You think I'm fat!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42I agree.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I want you all to meet a new addition to our group.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- This is DK.- All right, peeps.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Ah, so you've heard of him then!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00You're somewhat of a legend around this college, aren't you, Darren?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Mate, the word legend was invented to describe me.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Well, me, and the bloke who gave you that haircut.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Now, I believe in throwing people in at the deep end when it comes to making friends,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15so, DK, do you have a special skill you'd like to share with the class?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16A special skill?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- Yes. What are you good at? - That's easy, mate. Wanking.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Now, I know you're being deliberately obtuse, Darren,
0:07:25 > 0:07:30so I want you to realise that I'm used to having little squirts on my hands.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's not the little squirts you want to worry about, mate.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38You walk in on me at the wrong time and I'll blind you for life.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Is there anything else you're good at?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- Rapping.- Ahhh! Excellent.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Well, why don't you show the group how to rap?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Are you serious?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Rapsolutely.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- This is going to be epic. - Indeed. Hooroo, hurrah, hooray!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01# Femispray! Femispray!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04# It's the fresh new scent you can use every day
0:08:04 > 0:08:06# Femispray! Femispray!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10# Open your legs and say wahey!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12# Femispray! Femispray!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# Nicey, nicey, nicey, nicey fannies! #
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Jas?!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, shite.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22What are you doing?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28How can I help you, sir?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I am not this Jas of whom you may speak,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35although I have got a long-lost twin sister,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38she's the spit of me she is and erm, oh, she lives
0:08:38 > 0:08:41round these parts, so I hear tell,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44you must be getting me confused with her.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Her name's Jas, I'm...Gertrude.- Jas?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Shut up and die, Oliver Sinclair.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59- I thought you said you had a modelling job. - This is a modelling job.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Ollie!- Oh, come on Jas, you have to admit this is highlilarious!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05No. Because it's not what you think.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I thought you'd be jetting off to Paris or New York.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10But instead you're just selling fanny spray.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It's Femispray. Anyway, I'm about to change agencies.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Oh, what will you be modelling next, urinal cakes perhaps?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Or Toilet Duck? Quack, quack!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Oh, you are such a knobhead!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Whatever.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Catch you later, Jas-ispray!
0:09:26 > 0:09:32I'm not the one making a twat of myself Oliver Sinclair, you are!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35# Femispray! Femispray! #
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It also kills flies!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Right, everybody, how are we getting on?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50DJ Adam, hit that button!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Mic check, mic check with the ones and the twos
0:09:53 > 0:09:56# Mic check, mic check with the threes and fours
0:09:56 > 0:09:58# Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in the house
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- # Wiki-wiki-wa-wa - Braaaap!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03# I'm Mr K, now, please don't make a fuss
0:10:03 > 0:10:06# But there's something, Mr Palmer, we need to discuss
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# Why do you like taking us out on the moors?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11# Is it for the thrill of the hike and the great outdoors?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# Should we believe you like looking at flowers?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16# And that's why we go down to the woods for hours?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19# I can see your ears are burning, they're practically on fire,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22# So to expand upon the argument, let's go to the choir.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27# He's Mr Pal-mer
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# He'll give you a smile
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# But is Mr Pal-mer
0:10:31 > 0:10:35# A paedophile?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37# Let's look at the evidence, compare and contrast
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- # He likes to bake hedgehogs Yeah?- Yeah
0:10:39 > 0:10:42# But would he like to bake my arse?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45# Is it innocent fun when we play a game of Boggle?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# Is it that you really want to play with my woggle?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# Once again, let's go to the crowd
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# And let them ask our question out loud
0:10:55 > 0:10:57# He's Mr Pal-mer
0:10:57 > 0:11:00# He'll give you tasty sherbet
0:11:00 > 0:11:02# But is Mr Pal-mer
0:11:02 > 0:11:05# Ooh
0:11:05 > 0:11:07# A dirty pervert? #
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Balamory.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17My goodness. I've never encountered anything like that before in my life.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Pretty offensive, eh?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- So, come on, are you going to kick me out the group now?- Certainly not.
0:11:23 > 0:11:29- What?- The issues you've raised are very important so here's my paperwork.
0:11:29 > 0:11:36And this a picture of my wife, my little girl and our Jack Russell.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Look.- That's excellent.- No.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42That's excellent.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46To organise that in such a short period is highly impressive.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- You are clearly a natural leader of men.- What?
0:11:48 > 0:11:53I'm sure you'll come in very handy in our orienteering exercise tomorrow.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Please tell me you're pulling my pisser?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I've told you, I'm not like that.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01It's good to have you in the group, Darren. Hurroo, hurrah, hooray!
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Robyn, I think the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society
0:12:09 > 0:12:13is a great step for the college to take.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'll support you in whatever way I can.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Will you open the first meeting? It's tomorrow.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Hell, no.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24The Principal has a date with a lonely widower
0:12:24 > 0:12:27with thighs like tree trunks.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29You can't pass that shit up.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33That's OK. So it's all right if I hand out some flyers?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Of course! I love it when young people change the world.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43You know, when I was young, I felt pretty isolated, too.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Because of your race? That's awful.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Get out of town!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It was because I was so damn hot.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The boys were scared, the girls were confused.
0:12:55 > 0:13:01All that was left were the teachers. Woo-hoo! Happy days!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04OK, well, before this gets any more inappropriate,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I'll be off to print out my flyers.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- If you change your mind...- I won't.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Like an aged oak tree they are.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- Yeah, well, if you do... - Dead wife, horny as hell.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I get it. Thanks. It'll be in Room 4B.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25I don't think you're appreciating just how strong and meaty
0:13:25 > 0:13:29these thighs are. I'll draw them for you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Lesbian!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Bye!
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Vitamin beer. The most important vitamin of all.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I'm going to do something so bad Mr Palmer kicks me out
0:13:44 > 0:13:48of his scout troop faster than he can say "she sells sea shells on the sea shore."
0:13:48 > 0:13:52She shells...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55She shells shea...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58See sells... Oh, bugger.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Sorry, guys. I'm not my usual razor sharp self at the minute.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- What's the matter?- Why are only girls allowed to get PMT?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I think it's sexist.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Alas 'tis a fact of life.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Still at least we get to shave every day and go bald.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You shave every day?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21And not just my face.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Never ever do that again.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29It's not fair. Chloe has an excuse every month to be a total meany and get everything she wants.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Why don't you just get PMT?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Good idea, mate.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37PMT...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Poor Matt Tension! Laterz, potaterz.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43BOTH: Cleft!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Hi, Jas! I've got PMT, you shit!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Easy, Jas-in-my-pants.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Here she is, the Femispray Girl! - Shut up, Ollie.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57I've only come to tell you that I've got a proper shoot with a professional photographer.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Gerald White. His work's been in all the top magazines.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03All the top shelf magazines? Result.
0:15:03 > 0:15:10Finally something to replace those messy old Polaroids of you that he slipped under my... Right...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Well, I gotta go then!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15So all the top magazines, eh?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Yes. Including Cosmopolitan, Vogue, The Pigeon Fanciers Gazette.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The Pigeon Fanciers Gazette?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25There's a coup!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You are so not funny.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37I know. I get it from my dad's side.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I'm off to be photographed this afternoon at Gerald's studio.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He's got a very special job lined up for me.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47So suck on that, Oliver Sinclair.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Jas. Wait.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Look. Are you sure this is safe?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Of course. Everything's above board.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58If you don't believe me, check his card out.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05I'm suspicious of anyone whose card comes with a Nando's coupon on the back.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06What do you think, Jezza?
0:16:06 > 0:16:14AS JEREMY CLARKSON: "I think Polish people and women can take a long walk off a short pier."
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Hello, Robyn, you little poof.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Oh, hi, Chlomophobe. You seem very cheerful.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Ah yes. I always buck up when I'm actually sat on the red cushion.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33OK!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36At last I can stop being quite such an angry dooby.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Matt will be delighted.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Yes. Of course most gentlemen don't understand these things but Matt's excellent.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45He realises it's ladies' hormones.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Women, eh?- Can't live with 'em.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50No. It's shouldn't live with them.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's in the Bible.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- What's this poster you're putting up? - Oh, it's the first Wooton College
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02All of us come together as one!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Like an orgy?- Only if someone brings a bottle of sherry.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You just keep on getting gayer, don't you?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Maybe you should come, a friend of the community?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Listen, my boyfriend has gay dads.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16I had dinner with them. I consider myself and the gay community quits.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And, oh, how we thank you!
0:17:22 > 0:17:28Now, the river can be a very dangerous for a number of reasons,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- including...- Crocodiles. - No, not crocodiles.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Giant squids!- Not that either.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37But there can be harmful bacteria, and we can never be sure of
0:17:37 > 0:17:43depth or strength of current, so the last thing we want to do is fall in.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Oh, dear, I appear to be tripping up!- Aaaagh!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- DK!- Whoops.- What are we going to do?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- He'll be all right.- Help!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I can't swim!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- It's the only badge I haven't got! - What?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Help! Help! - You've got to do something.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Why?- Because we haven't got that badge either.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Ah, shit.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I'm just delighted to be photographing you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- I'm a bit nervous. - You're going to love this.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40It's glamorous, feminine and it's going to put you on the road to modelling stardom.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52You saved my life.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56DK, I can't thank you enough.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59You are a hero.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I am, aren't I?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Balamory.- Balamory.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Hooray! We're not sad at all!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11# Ging gang gooley gooley gooley gooley watcha
0:19:11 > 0:19:13# Ging gang goo, ging gang goo... #
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Where's my chocolate?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25You know I need chocolate when I feel like this, you did it on purpose, didn't you?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Just to annoy me. It's pathetic is what it is!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Umm, OK, then. Have some chocolate.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- I don't want it. - Are you all right?- I'm tired.- Matt!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38What is wrong with you?!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Can you get me a hot water bottle and a cup of tea please?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Are you having some sort of breakdown?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I have some very serious emotional and personal problems
0:19:47 > 0:19:51and all you can do is stand there accusing me of mental illness.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I'm in pain, but I'm strong.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I am woman, hear me roar. ROAR!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00For God's sake, just snap out of it!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Ah!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Ah! How do people do that?!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Here she is. Won't get out of bed for less than ten grand.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Jas? Jas!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24What's the matter?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Did he touch you?
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- I'll kill him. Come on, let's go and get Chloe's ball beating mace. - No...
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- No, he didn't.- He didn't? What's wrong with him, has he got no taste?
0:20:35 > 0:20:41Thanks, Ollie, it's always flattering when a man believes you deserve to be sexually assaulted.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44No, I didn't... I didn't mean...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Look, what's the matter?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Why are you so upset?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Ah, have you synchronised with Chloe?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54No!
0:20:54 > 0:21:00It's because... I'm ugly.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What? How could you laugh at me?
0:21:06 > 0:21:11You with your perfect Joe McElderry with a hangover face.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I'm laughing because it's laughable.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Jas, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I'm talking as a friend, of course.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You're just being nice.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Well, I am being nice, but that's due to my great loveliness.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I'm also telling the truth. Everyone thinks you're gorgeous.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Really?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Really.- Like who?- Well, all of us.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41We've all had a wank over you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46How good looking do you think I am, Ollie?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- I'd say about a nine.- NINE?!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Thousand. 9,000!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Do you think I'm good looking enough to make other girls hate me?
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Oh, yes, they detest and despise you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08There we go, that's better.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I'm not proper model material though.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Oh, you so are. The maestro Gerald White said so himself.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Then why did he make me dress up in a bloody bottle of Fannispray again?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's Femispray.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26No, Ollie, it's Fannispray.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, Jas!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Look, you might be beautiful but you know what makes you stand out?
0:22:31 > 0:22:37My ability to make boys ejaculate within four seconds of entering a room?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39That is a pretty big talent.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41But it's your brain.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45You're smart and you're funny and you're great to be with.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48That's why you could never be a model.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And plus I'm only 5ft 4.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Unless I tease my amazing hair then I'm actually 6ft 8.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Who wants to be a model anyway?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00You've got so many amazing talents. You should use them.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Yeah, well, I was born to entertain.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Step, kick, hip, hip, isolate.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10You know why else you can't be a model?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11No cocaine habit?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14No. You like chips too much.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Come on, I'm starving, I'll buy you a pack.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Ollie.- Yes, my caramel bunny?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24You're a good friend.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27All right, peeps!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31DK, you look like the pussy that got the cream?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Ooh, innuendo. Something amazing happened when I was scout and about.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Did one of them show you their dib dib dib?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No. I saved Mr Palmer's life.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Did you delete his hard drive before the police showed up?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49No. He was drowning and I saved him.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52He gave me this badge, look.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54DK, that's amazing.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yeah. Well done, mate.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Thanks. It's made me feel good to help someone else.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's fun being part of the community.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Now are you going to start behaving responsibly and appropriately?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07I think so...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Nipple gripple!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Tit sniff!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14DK, DK, DK...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Hello and welcome to the first Wooton College
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Does anyone want to get the ball rolling?
0:24:35 > 0:24:40So with that let's close the first Wooton College
0:24:40 > 0:24:45Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Thank you all for coming.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- I'm fed up with you hitting me, Chlo.- But Matt, it's what I do.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Anyway, how dare you stand up to me?!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I have to stand up to you cos I'm an abused man.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Only when I have PMT. - No. All the time.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23When you hit me just then, you didn't have PMT, you just hit me.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- And you're always calling me stupid. - Oh, Matt. That's cos you are stupid.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Well, I'm sick of it. I deserve respect.- Respect?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- You are joking.- No, if I was joking, I'd say it like Dizzee Rascal.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"Shut up, yeah, I deserve respect, boi".
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- But how could I possibly respect you? - What do you mean?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Well, let's face it, Matt, compared to me, you're an imbecile!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'm not a seal,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51I don't even like fish. And anyway, you're demented!
0:25:51 > 0:25:52And is it any wonder?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You need my help to do up your shoes.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Velcro is very challenging.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I've been carrying you all my life and, frankly, I'm sick of it!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Well, frankly, I'm sick of you being a mad bitch!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- I know you think you're better than me.- I am better than you!
0:26:07 > 0:26:12I have an intellectual brain and you have a brain of custard and belly button fluff!
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I may not have the best brain but at least I have a heart!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Oh, shut up!- You shut up!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, for God's sake! I knew this relationship was a mistake!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Fine! Let's split up!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- OK!- OK!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Go and parasite off someone else, you incompetent mindless man husk!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34I didn't really understand that, but fine, I will! So...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And good riddance!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03I've got a gun in my pants.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Feels more like a fig roll to me.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10What did you just call me?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Uh-oh.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Umm... Ginger nips?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Aaaagh!
0:27:17 > 0:27:18How about a snog then?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I've gotta find a girl who'll let me have sex with her
0:27:22 > 0:27:23and take a picture.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk