0:00:02 > 0:00:05I hate you, I hate everyone. Pass me my fat pants and bugger off!
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- Women, eh?- Can't live with em.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11No. It's SHOULDN'T live with them. It's in the Bible.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# Femispray! Open your legs and say, "wahey"! #
0:00:15 > 0:00:19DK, you...are a hero.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I am, aren't I? Balamory!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24For God's sake! This relationship was a mistake!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Fine! Let's split up.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29LAUGHTER
0:00:29 > 0:00:30- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33# All we wanna do is, oh
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Love me! Love me!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# All we wanna do is, oh
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- # All we wanna do is - Ya ya yahee ya. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Ah, Mr Karrimor.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50All right, biatch.
0:00:50 > 0:00:58Yesterday, you delved into Mr De Wilde's sports bag and replaced his shampoo with Sun In.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Yeah, I know...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh! Oh, my God!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I look Scottish!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Allreet, laddeh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You!
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Little shit!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:23GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
0:01:23 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Hi, girls. Hi.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Good luck. Win, girls, win!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Oh, God!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36What are you going to do then, biatch?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I'm going to make you join the litter-picking campaign.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41The litter-picking campaign?
0:01:41 > 0:01:48You're going to be picking up litter every break time until you learn to behave.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Couldn't you just stop giving me blow jobs instead?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Get out, you little prick!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Well, I must say I'm very excited.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's New Glasses Day.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05It comes but once a year!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08That reminds me of the old Welsh poem,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"Let's all go to the optician...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"before we go, let's have a sandwich".
0:02:14 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's better in its native tongue.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I do enjoy getting my hands on a lovely pair.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I bet you do, you cheeky minx!
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Ooh, you flirt!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Haha, somebody stop me!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Who wants to stop you?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Oh, for God's sake!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Why don't you just get your boobs out and rub them in each other's faces?!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41No, really.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Why don't you just get your boobs out and rub them in each other's faces?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I'm game if you are.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Hahaha. Too far!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I suppose I'd better be off too.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I have a very special visitor today.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Awww. Have you finally got your period?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Ha! No. It's my Auntie Olwen. My dad's sister.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01You never mentioned Auntie Olwen.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I must have, she's my favourite auntie...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09after Auntie Freeze and Auntie Disestablishmentarianism.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Hahaha! Yeah, yeah.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I thought I met all your family at your dad's funeral.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, she didn't go. Terrible hangover.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Well...am I not special enough to meet this legendary Auntie Olwen?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Oh, Jas, don't be sad. It's just...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25she's a bit much for the likes of you.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27She's got 'tude.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Plus you'd have to have a pretty dark sense of humour to know how to take her.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I've got 'tude.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And I laughed when they cancelled Last of the Summer Wine.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Like this, "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha. Ha."
0:03:39 > 0:03:41God, Jas, she's not that dark.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Introduce me to her, at once!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46OK. But prepare to be decimated.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Yeah, I am, and I'll decimate her right back.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And then I'll decimate you.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Then I'll buy a dictionary and find out what "decimate" actually means.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I think it's something to do with coconuts.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Wahey, Matty Monster.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- You all right, bro?- No.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I've split up with Chloe.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What, you mean...Ginger Nips?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Yeah.- That's all right. You can hang with us.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15We heard all the stories about how hardcore you are.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Really?- Damn straight. Remember that time you deliberately trashed the English classroom?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23My bag!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Ow!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I have a pencil up my arse.
0:04:40 > 0:04:432B or not 2B?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Hahahahaha... Ow!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You are hardcore.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yeah. I am, aren't I?
0:04:51 > 0:04:57- But you see, to be in our gang, you have to go through an initiation ceremony.- Blessings.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Wow. That sounds solemn.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Oh, it is, my son. It is.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07So meet me, Gladys, Hilda and the rest in the cafeteria at lunchtime and we'll get the ball rolling.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Ball rolling doesn't sound too difficult.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- You crazy.- Crazy.- Crazy.- Crazy.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- Laters, Mattalan.- Laters.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Hmm. Cafeteria, lunchtime.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Let me make a note of that.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:33What's that?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Balamory!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Oh!
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Ooh!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Chloe, what you did to poor Oliver was not impressive at all.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You mean I should have stabbed him or throttled him or...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04No. I do not approve of violence.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Except in Looney Tunes, when it's hilarious.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I'm sorry. I'm just really angry, Herr Principal.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I think helping a cause might assuage your rage.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Ooh, rhyme.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Is the cause you had in mind "taking revenge on Matt"?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Bludgeon, bludgeon, bludgeon?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26No.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's the litter-picking campaign.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31There's a litter-picking campaign?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34What can I say, I'm a litter bug!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40CAT YOWLS
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Somebody pick that up!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I love being the Principal.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54All right, sweetheart? Want to see my gleaming weapon?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57How many times do I have to tell you, DK? Lesbian!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59No, I mean...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02My new glasses! Look what you've done!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Did someone say, "Look at my gun"? - Agh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05CRUNCHING GLASS
0:07:07 > 0:07:08DK!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I can't see.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Sorry, love. Come on, let's get you to the opticians.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, now you're blind, would you shag me?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Lesbian!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19THUD!
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Ow!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:25All right, peeps.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Ooh! Ooh, what have we got here?!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Oh, oh, ooh! Ahh...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30there it is!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Oh, my God! It's a gun!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Well done, mate. Here, have an eye hump.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Ah! Ah, yeah!
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Get off!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40DK, where the hell did you get that?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Found it when I was litter picking. It's brilliant.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I feel like a proper rapper now.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in da house, wiki wiki wa wa braaaaaaap!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- HE RAPS:- Listen up dollies, I got something to say,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52DK's in town and he's ready to play,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I know you ain't bothered by dinner or flowers,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Chicks like you like seductive powers,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59But don't worry darlings, I always deliver,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What I have in my pants'll make you shiver,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03So why not have a feel of my six-barrel shooter,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And if you ask nicely, I'll take you up the pooper.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Balamory!
0:08:07 > 0:08:13CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:08:13 > 0:08:16You don't understand, DK, you've got to get rid of that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17You might hurt someone!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19But guns are quite the status symbol in the hood.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Yes, but we're not in the hood. We're in Abingdon.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Less of a hood, more of a...snood.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30They have them in Westerns with all the tough cowboys that have to shave more than twice a year.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Reach for the skies! Oh, my God!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Jas, will you tell him?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40DK, Ollie's right. Guns are evil, dangerous things.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Like Paul Daniels.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Are you really not impressed by my pistola?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46- No!- No!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48What am I supposed to do with it?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I can't take it home. Not with Rapunzel in the house.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Rapunzel?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56It's what Mum's been insisting that I call her since they doubled her dosage.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Only instead of letting her hair down, she just eats it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Bury it, bin it, or chuck it in the river.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08No-one will find it there amongst the bits of Chloe's relatives.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Yeah, all right, peeps. And thanks.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Laters, fellaters.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Oh, hello, young man.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17All right, sweetheart. Got a gun in my pants.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Oh, I bet you have!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Ah! Ah!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Feels more like a fig roll to me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- Here she is! She's hilarious! - Oh, is that you, Ollie?!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Let's have a look at you, you ugly shit.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Auntie Olwen! Ah! Ooh...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I see you keep your breasts by your knees now,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42is that age or so you can suckle Satan more easily?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I am ageing gracefully...
0:09:44 > 0:09:49although that 20-year-old squaddie I wanked off last night might say different!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Why have you all got old lady names?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- What you mean? - Well, Doris, Hilda, Mavis...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Oh, that's cos we love our nans, innit?- Really?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah. I mean, think about it. Nans...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Baking for us, telling us we is brilliant, buying ice cream when we get an owie.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Nans are classic. What's your nan's name?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Matt. I was named after her.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:23Right, so the initiation ceremony has three stages and this is stage one.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"Milk and cookies."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Doesn't sound very hardcore. That sounds very tasty.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That doesn't sound very hardcore?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Did you hear that, boys?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You is bare funny, now trust me!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Bears are funny.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Yeah. What you have to do is drink a pint of milk and eat a packet of cookies in under a minute.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Can you do it, Matty Monster? - Piece of piss.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Excellent. Gladys, have you got the stop watch?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Sure have, Edna. - And...go!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- ALL:- Go! Go! Milk! Milk!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Cookies! Cookies!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Swallow it, Matt!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Put it in your mouth!
0:10:59 > 0:11:05- ALL:- Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Come on, my friend, you can do it!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Come on! Come on
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Drink! Drink! Drink!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Get in! Yeah, that's it!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- ALL:- Wahey!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:25They boy has passed!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You go, Matt King Cole! Jazz!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30And now for stage two...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah, That'll be when he's come round.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Auntie Olwen's going to love this.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48Hi Ollie! Oh! Nice card and I can read it perfectly from here!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Thanks, Robyn.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Is something different about you?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Ooh! Thanks for noticing! I'm wearing contacts.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- No, that isn't it.- It is.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03No, it's your hair! You've had a haircut?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06No, I'm wearing contacts.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07New jumper?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I am wearing contacts.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Have you had your teeth done?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I'm wearing contacts!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I've got it...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You've had a spray tan!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I'm wearing conta...Oh!
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Owww.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh, my eye!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Oh, I'd better find an eyebath.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Eyebath!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Oh, you're wearing contacts!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Oh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Hey, Ollie.- Hello, Jas!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34What did you think of Auntie Olwen?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Brilliant, isn't she?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Out of everyone in the whole world,
0:12:38 > 0:12:39I think she's the one that gets me.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You know, really gets me. She's at the off licence now.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Ollie...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45it's horrible.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49You're really mean to each other. It's like watching Louis and Dannii.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Louis and Dannii are your goldfish.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I know and they hate each other.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00They're in separate castles now and Louis's taken all the dill weed.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Do you want that to happen?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Do you want Olwen to take all your dill weed?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08What are you talking about? It's just a bit of banter.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Ollie, was she always like this?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, no, she used to be so BORING.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15She used to bake and sew.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18She used to send me money on my birthday,
0:13:18 > 0:13:19instead of animal droppings.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And there were absolutely no jokes about her chuff at all!
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- And what went wrong?- Nothing went wrong with Auntie Olwen!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31She just changed, our relationship changed...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I think it was after my dad died.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Ha! Result!
0:13:34 > 0:13:39That's really not an appropriate reaction for the passing of a parent, Jas.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42No... Don't you see?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I see a crazy little lady with enormous hair.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48It's obvious.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52You can't bear to deal with feeling the real hurt of losing your dad.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56And if you could communicate honestly with each other, you'd have a way better relationship.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Hmm.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03You see, all I heard there was, "Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah. Ptht!"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I'm right!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07And what if you are, Jas-ermy Kyle?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I like our relationship.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13She was the only one after the funeral not to treat me like "dead-dad boy".
0:14:13 > 0:14:16But you ARE "dead-dad boy".
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And she's "dead-brother woman".
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Together you're Dead-Da-Bo-Bro-Wo.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Don't you think you should talk?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27No, I don't.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Not in here, DK.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Ballbags.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55All right?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Bollocks.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17DOG BARKS
0:15:42 > 0:15:43DOG WHINES AND BARKS
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So this is stage 2.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00You've gotta stay dressed like this for the whole day.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I don't get it. I mean, why a penguin?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Why a penguin? Why a penguin? Because they are so funny, innit!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Think about it. Penguins!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Jumping in the water, jumping out the water, catching the fishies,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16eating the fishies, throwing the fishies in the air, swimming with the fishies.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Looking after the egg! - Haaa! The egg!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Now, basically, they are hilarious, right? Do the walk.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- The walk?- Yep. Do the walk!
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- ALL:- Do the walk! Do the walk! Do the walk!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That is so inoffensive!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I just love gentle humour!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Oi, oi! Ginger Nips! Ginger Nips! - Haha, Ginger Nips!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Don't call her ginger nips, she's all right, guys.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48What did you just call me?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Uh oh.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Ginger...Nips?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Aaaagh!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Oh, my God, what are you doing? What are you doing?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Nobody, but nobody, calls me Ginger Nips!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Woman, are you dizzy?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That is not gentle humour!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Arrrrgh!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Right?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Hilda. Doris. Mavis.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Hi, Chloe.- Hi, Matt.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23How are you?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Not so bad.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Er, Chloe, I...- Yes, Matt? - Come along, Matt stand.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ollie!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Ah, Auntie Olwen.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54A little drinky for my little stinky?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57No. No, no, no.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Oh, go on. It'll turn your piss black.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03We can play oil slicks.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Auntie Olwen, we need to talk.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, this sounds serious.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Have you finally developed that terminal disease I've been praying for you to get?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's about dad.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Ah, Daniel Sinclair.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Or as I liked to call him, Boozey McCheapskate.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29I was always good at nicknames wasn't I, Sweaty McKnobcheese?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I want you to talk to me. About what it was like growing up with him.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Shit.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39And what he was like in the pub?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Drunk.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42And was he like me?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Shit and drunk?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Yes, you're like two peas in a pod.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Olwen! Stop!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I want you to talk to me about your brother. My dad.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Oh, move over.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Ollie...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- when I look at you in a certain light...- Yeah?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02..I can see...
0:19:04 > 0:19:05..I can see...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08..just how fat you are.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Olwen!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Hi, DK!- Arghh!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Sure you don't mean, "Arrrrrr"?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Because it's like a pirate.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Because of...my eye-patch.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Oh, I didn't notice. I'm still trying to get rid of this gun.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Are you sure that's a good idea?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38It'll be fine. We've never had a locker inspection.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Locker inspection!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Darren Karrimor.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think you know what I'm about to ask you, don't you?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Is it for a bum?- No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51How about a snog then?
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Fine!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Right. What have we here?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, look!
0:20:06 > 0:20:11It's my Beyonce weave that I use in my all-bearded production of Dreamgirls.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I'll be having that back, thank you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18And what's this?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Oh, look!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's my Christmas thong.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I use it for covering up my jingle balls.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh, what a lovely image.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33If you think that's lovely, listen to this.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# Jingle balls, jingle balls,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38# Jingle all the way
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# Oh, what fun it is to ride on Mr De Wilde's cock! #
0:20:43 > 0:20:46My eye! My only good eye!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- You hurt Robyn, Hagrid.- I'm blind!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I don't believe Stevie Wonder and I certainly don't believe you.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Get away from my investigation!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Right, what's this?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Oh my God! It's a gun!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01A gun! Somebody help me!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Mummy! I mean, Principal! Jane!- No!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Buggermory.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Oh, Daniel!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Why did you have to leave us?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I miss you so much.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- I knew it!- Oh, hello, Ollie's Ex.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23You were talking about Ollie's dad.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Well, what business is it of yours? - Olwen.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Ollie needs you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33He needs someone to talk about his dad to. Someone who knew him.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I know.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I know he does, love.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, come here.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Matt on the hot tin roof! How are you doing, buddy?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Bit smelly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Am I a member of the gang yet?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Nearly. Just one more stage to go.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Not more gentle humour? - Gentle humour.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Golly, I'm missing Keeping Up Appearances.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Relax, it's on series link and no, we want you to shag a bird and take a photo of it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I can't believe how much I hate Matt.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I've begun to use violence to express myself, which is not like me at all!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Yeah, right(!)
0:22:18 > 0:22:20What did you say?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Chloe, have you ever thought that maybe your anger's not at Matt?
0:22:24 > 0:22:30No. His is the face I want to dice and feed to my army of monkeys.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Hello, my pretties.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Hear me out.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Maybe you're angry at yourself because you love Matt and you let him go.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Maybe you're right.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44When I saw him today, with his current-bun face
0:22:44 > 0:22:48and thirteen-inch waistline, I couldn't help but feel a pang.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50That's why I got stabby on the gang...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52bang bang!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You see, you're just sad because you let him go.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I've got to talk to him. He's hanging round with thugs now!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Thugs with a penchant for gentle humour.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I bet they're not making sure he has his five-a-day.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You look after his fruit and vegetable intake?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10No, I administer very regular fistings.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I've got to get him back.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Well, thank you very much.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You're welcome. So it was emotional?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Oh, it was emotional all right.
0:23:25 > 0:23:32We laughed and cried and... really communicated and emoted and reminisced about my dad.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36See! I knew you could break through and just discover...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- I bloody hated it, Jas!- Pardon me?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I want my Auntie Olwen back!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Oh.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Oh." Exactly.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49You owe me one rank lady, Jas.
0:23:49 > 0:23:55You get her back, and you get her back non-communicating, non-emotional and fully disgusting.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Jasmine...fix it!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I don't think I know how...
0:24:00 > 0:24:03You broke her, you come and fix her.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Hi, Ollie and Jas.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Who's for a lovely game of I Spy?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Yeah, we like I Spy(!)
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- BOTH:- Gentle humour!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, hello, love, I thought you were Ollie.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Nice threads.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38No, I'm not Ollie.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You're a bright boy aren't you?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, I'm in the top three in my remedial maths class.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Dad One says "remedial" means "handsome".
0:24:49 > 0:24:51How many in the class?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Three.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55How's Ollie doing at college?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Well...he's one of the academics.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Dad Two says "academic" means "boring".
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Which is why I wouldn't even want to be one of them.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Wait a minute. You're not Jas!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Who are you and what are you doing in Ollie's shed?!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I'm Ollie's auntie. And I've really screwed up.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I've turned into a right soft cake.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I need to do something really shocking...
0:25:19 > 0:25:23something so outrageous it'd blow Ollie's dick inside out.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Why?
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Well, this Jas girl said we had to talk and be honest with each other.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And she's totally wrecked us.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39We can barely look at each other now, for all these so-called "real emotions" flinging about!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43That's why I need a really huge stunt.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And that's not rhyming slang.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Tell me about it. I've got to find a girl who'll let me have sex with her and take a picture.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Well, do you know...
0:25:59 > 0:26:04..I have always wanted to p-p-p-pick up a penguin!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Please don't expel me, Principal, please!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Oh, expel him, Principal, please!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Quiet.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21This is a very serious matter.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I know, Principal, and I'm so sorry.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I will not tolerate weapons of any sort, in any facet of my life.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Particularly not at college.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Oh, my God, this is amaze bags!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Quiet!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37DK, the police have been called.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You will be expelled from this college with immediate effect.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43But Principal...
0:26:45 > 0:26:46..it's me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50There's a line, DK, and you crossed it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Jingle Balls!
0:26:58 > 0:26:59I'm king of the world!
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Smile!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Oh, my God!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Agh!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Ollie!- Auntie Olwen! You're back!
0:27:12 > 0:27:13You disgusting old witch!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Agh!
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Matt?!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Agh!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Oh, he's a screamer, this one, isn't he?!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Hi, guys! I went back to my old glasses in the end because...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, I'm blind!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Aaaaaaarggh!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Hello, middle-aged lady.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Can I tickle your chin whiskers...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40with my balls?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43God, he's disgusting.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45He's a pervert.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I can't believe I ever let a freak like that lay his man eggs in my happy nest!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Agh!
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I made it myself. What do you think?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Er... Ha! Ha.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01We are going to find a way of stopping you doing this.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I'll drink to that!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:28:06 > 0:28:07- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10- # All we wanna do is- Oh!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# All we wanna do is, oh
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Love me! Love me!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15# All we wanna do is dance
0:28:15 > 0:28:16# All we wanna do is dance
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# All we wanna da-ance
0:28:19 > 0:28:20# Dance with me!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Papapapa papa papa
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Papapa papa papa... #
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk