0:00:02 > 0:00:06Ah, vitamin beer. The most important vitamin of all.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11DK, you will be expelled from this college with immediate effect.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Jingle Balls!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I'm king of the world!
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Matt!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Matt, why are you reading that?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm just checking out the totty. Look.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Oh, fit.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Oh, it's more than fit, mate - listen to this.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53"Barbara Battersby from Hull wants us to try her delicious recipe for sherry trifle." Oh, ho!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I bet you do, you dirty bitch!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59God, he's disgusting. He's a pervert.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- I can't believe I ever let a freak like that lay his man eggs in my happy nest.- I can't help it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I just like older women, that's all.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Which is why I'm going to seduce me another one.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15- You're going to what?- Well, since I shagged your auntie, I've got quite a taste for them.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I've been up all night thinking of the perfect way to pull an older woman.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I've got my chat-up line written right here so it won't fall out of my brain like maths does.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Bye!- Necrophiliac!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Look, Chloe, all this anger isn't...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31What anger?!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34This anger isn't good for you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Or me - my mascara's not spit-proof. - I know, Jas, it's just...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Matt with Ollie's auntie.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42How could he get over me so fast?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Chloe, Matt searching for another woman doesn't mean he's over you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49It just means he's moving on. You can't hate him for that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I don't hate him, Jas.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I miss him.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- He was my snuggle bunny and human pin cushion.- Look,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59you have to see this break-up as a fresh start
0:01:59 > 0:02:03so you don't end up a sad, tragic, self-loathing drunk, like Ollie.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08God, you're right, Jas. Thanks.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13That's OK. Now I've only got him to sort out.
0:02:13 > 0:02:19Poor Ollie. How quickly one can leap from alpha male to half an ale. Ha! Bye!
0:02:19 > 0:02:23What do you mean, now you've only got me to sort out?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There's nothing wrong with me, Jas.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31- Ollie, it's 10 o clock in the morning, and you're drinking in college.- It's one tiny hip flask.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I know you've got other sources of booze here.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, where?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38There. And there.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42So what? It's just a little drink to get me through the day.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I'm not prepared to listen to this.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50CLANG!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Ollie, have you got a keg in there?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Well, maybe a teeny one.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- This isn't right.- Oh, and you'd know all about what's right, wouldn't you,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00little Miss "I'm so perfect, cos I only drink socially
0:03:00 > 0:03:04"and never alone in my wardrobe whilst crying and plotting revenge"?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- Ollie.- No, Jas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got lessons to go to.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19We are going to find a way of stopping you doing this.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I'll drink to that!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- DK?- Shh! I'm in disguise. I've come as my mum.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You shouldn't be here!
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I've got nowhere else to go, specsy-tits.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Well, I suppose it is quite handy. I was going to come looking for you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I knew my body would get you in the end.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Yeah, yeah, cherubs have always been my secret yen.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Yeah, really?- Yes, DK, it's the tits that do it. Lesbian!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I just wanted to make you say it - it turns me on.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I wanted to give you this.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Is it a present?- No, it's a camel.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Oh, just shut up and open it, you silly goose.- Sorry. What's it for?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Well, you've been so generous in helping me settle into the group,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I just wanted to give you something to show I appreciate it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh! Have you considered...?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- No.- Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22This really is one of the nicest things anybody's... Ah!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I made it all myself. What do you think?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It's, er...it is...
0:04:29 > 0:04:3390% Merino wool, 10% fairy lights - correct!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Bloody lovely, isn't it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Bloody lovely. Oh, there's a sheep on it! Wow!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm so pleased you like it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Go on, then. Try it on.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Darren Karrimor!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- You gun-totin', pistol-whippin', hard-assed gangster!- Er...yeah?
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- Get out before I call the police on yo' sorry ass!- Laterz, Meat Loaf.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Yeah, I'm totes in the hood, fo' sure.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14So, what do you think? Will you be my student liaison officer?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Student liaison officer, eh?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That sounds like a position of power.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Of sorts.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24It's to ensure the smooth running of the college.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I could do that. I love power.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- You will have to be fair and honest. - And powerful!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Chloe, with power comes great responsibility.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37No, with power comes corruption.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Maybe it isn't Matt I miss - maybe it's the power I wielded over him.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43See ya, bitch!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Balamory.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Hello, middle-aged lady.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Can I tickle your chin whiskers... with my balls?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Isn't this nice, sitting here with our frosty glasses of ice-cold water?
0:06:10 > 0:06:15And being thankful that we're not poisoning ourselves with nasty, cheap alcohol.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Oh, my God, is this vodka? Urgh!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I know, it's disgusting at this time of day.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Could you pass me that cider?- No!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Come on, Jas! It's got apples in it, it's part of my five a day.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You have five cans of cider a day?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Of course not. It's nearer ten.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Ten?!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I'm not a lightweight - I have the occasional shot here and there too.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Why won't you accept you have a problem?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You're in a bigger state of denial than Mr De Wilde.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- I don't have a problem. - You were drunk at college.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I'd had a shock - somebody'd thrown up in my locker.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Yeah, you!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00So what? Everyone gets drunk at college. It's not an offence.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It is an offence.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03You're an offence!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Oh, for God's sake, Ollie, why won't you realise this is a very important matter?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- You have a problem with alcohol. - You have a problem with alcohol...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16hair, legs, tits, mee-mee-mee-mee-mee...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19This is not a time for silliness, Ollie.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21All right, peeps?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Hi, DK. Why are you dressed as an Aardman animation?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Robyn made it for me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's interesting.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Good use of bobbles and...sheep.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36The important thing is that you like it, so do you?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Kind of. A bit.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Not really. No, I hate it!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44But she seemed so pleased with herself, I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was hideous.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49You better find a way to tell her soon, mate, or people are going to think you're an AIDS quilt.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- What if I told her in the form of a rap? Something like...- Oh, God.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yo yo, ladies, Mr K is in the house.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Wiki-wiki, wa-wa, braaaap!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'm Mr K, I'm sure you'll agree
0:07:58 > 0:08:00that the coolest person in the world is me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I don't just mean cos of the way I speak
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Or the fact my body's so sexy and sleek.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06It's all about the image that I project
0:08:06 > 0:08:08That makes chicks wet and guys erect.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10So, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I can't do your jumper,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14But as a consolation, how about I pump ya? Balamory!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, wow, did you like it?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, I'm clapping cos you've stopped.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I've got an idea. Why don't you get Robyn an equally hideous jumper?
0:08:29 > 0:08:35- Why?- Actually, Georgie Best here's got a point, DK. If she hates it,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36you're off the hook, guilt-free.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Yeah, I suppose it could work. Trouble is, where am I going to find a jumper as hideous as this?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You won't be able to find one in the shops. You'll have to make one.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48If you think this jumper's laughable, the one I make's going to have you in stitches. Ha-ha!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Stitches! Get it?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53I should write that down.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Yeah, bye, DK.- Yeah, bye, peeps.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00So, back to Oliver Reed's addiction.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'm not addicted, Jas.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07OK, prove it. Let's see how long you can resist this.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Forever probably.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Piece of piss, eh, Jezza?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Where's Jezza?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You! Stand up straight!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Piss off.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Well, what about you? You! Pick that up!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Pick it up yourself.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- You, polish your buttons! - Polish your tits!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Right.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42You, make your bed!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Only if you shag me on it first!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Clearly I need to become more authoritative.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53But how? What would Dr Goebbels do?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Apart from make silly puns and annoy everyone with that tickling stick.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00No, wait, that's Ken Dodd -
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I'm always getting those two comedians confused.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Hello, Chloe.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Hello, Matt.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Still chasing after geriatrics?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- I got turned down.- Ha!
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Well, I suppose any woman worth their salt wouldn't look twice at a little slug like you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Salt kills slugs.- Yes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23As we found out that night we spent in my garden with a tub of Saxa.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Happy days.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, happier times.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31So, you know your mum, is she getting on well with your dad at the moment?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, for God's sake, you are vile!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- I was just wondering. Cos she's like a better version of you, isn't she?- Get away from me!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42HEARTBEATS POUND
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Argh! I can't take it any longer!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I must have you, you dirty and delicious ferment!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09You lasted 4 minutes and 32 seconds.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Congratulations, Ollie. That's nearly as long as in the sack.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, God, Jas!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I need your help! I think...
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I think I might be developing a problem with alcohol.
0:11:21 > 0:11:27Developing? Ollie, I know you resisted that can, but during the time, you drank all those.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32Oh, God! Jas...I need your help.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37- Jas, I need your help.- Ooh, echo!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Matt, please. Ollie's just made a startling admission.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh. I'm always doing that.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46My secret is two pairs of pants.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Admission. Not emission.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Look, we'll talk in a bit, Ollie. ..What's the problem, Matt?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Chloe's right - what could I offer an older woman?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You've got lots to offer, Matt.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Older women are probably no different to younger, more attractive women.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06We all want security, friendship and sex.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- And cider.- No, Ollie!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Security, friendship and sex. Excellent.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Where are you going? - To seduce the Principal.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18She's made of sexy circles.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- I got you this. - Oh, you shouldn't have. What is it?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Open it up and see.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Oh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Oh, DK it's...- Yeah?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- It's...- Yeah?- It's beautiful!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41What?!
0:12:41 > 0:12:47I didn't think I'd find anyone who truly appreciated my avant-garde style. Where's yours?
0:12:47 > 0:12:52I am saving it for a special occasion.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54How can I thank you?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- Sex.- Do you have a twat?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I am a twat.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Talking of special occasions...
0:13:05 > 0:13:11- Yeah?- I was toying with the idea of visiting a lesbian club.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I was going to go tonight, but I'm a bit nervous. Would you come with me?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Will I get to see gay ladies?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Yes.- Winner!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And we can both wear our jumpers.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31There'll be gay ladies - it's still a winner.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33You have been expelled!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Right, I'm calling the police.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Police! Police! Yoo-hoo!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's Wilberforce!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Boys in blue, I want to see your helmets!
0:13:49 > 0:13:56Principal, do you think it's true all we want is security, friendship and sex?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00That's a very adult question.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yes, I suppose I do.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- What the hell are you doing? - I'm securing you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- We all want security.- Unless you let me go, I'll call security.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Would you like a friendship pie?
0:14:13 > 0:14:20Actually, yes, I would like a friendship pie, but what are you doing now?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Dancing for you. In a sexy way.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Stop, Matt, stop!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27What the hell is going on?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- I'm trying to seduce a middle- aged woman.- How dare you!
0:14:29 > 0:14:35- What, try to seduce you? - No, suggest I'm middle-aged!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Now bugger off!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Schweinhund!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Chloe, what the hell are you doing?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I am establishing my authority as student liaison officer.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Nobody else will listen to me, so I've come to screech at you until I feel powerful again.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- Right. You listen here, Herr Flick. - It's Sturmbannfuhrer Chloe, actually.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07This is very offensive! If you carry on like this, I'm going to kill your army of monkeys.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09No!
0:15:09 > 0:15:14My pretties. I thought this would help me get over Matt.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I thought it was the power I missed.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Has it ever occurred to you, you mad little freak, that maybe you miss him?
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Oh, you mean I miss the feeling of superiority I get when I speak to him?- Actually...
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Excellent. Then I shall have to chum up to an inferior intellect.
0:15:29 > 0:15:36Have you got a moment? Fine, I'll have to try...Robyn!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Prick.- Did somebody call?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Ollie, how are you feeling now?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Nothing that makes me want a tot of the hard stuff more than Chloe dressed as a Nazi.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52It is amazing how often she does that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Look, Ollie, it's going to be fine.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57We just need to find a way of getting you off the demon drink.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02I dunno, Jas, it's been a crutch for me for so long, I don't think I can do without it.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04We just have to find something to replace it, that's all.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Something that won't rot your liver.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Or turn your eyes that scary yellow colour.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You look like a goat.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Lots of people try cannabis to cure their addiction.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- That's illegal.- Well, then, it's back to the drawing board.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Or as I like to call it...whisky.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30And...how old were you again?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33No, no, Matt. You wouldn't be able to handle a woman like me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36No, I suppose you are quite oily. I would only drop you.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40DK! The man I wanted to see.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Do you know where I could get some cannabis?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Dude, drugs are for losers.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I'm an adventure scout.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50OK, meet me at the docks, 1am.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Frank the Chop and Harry the Stab will meet us there with some pure mad Mary Jane.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Really?!- No, you prick. Why would I mess around with stuff like that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I'm already smooth and toasty enough, man.
0:17:02 > 0:17:08I know where to get cannabis! Well, not cannabis. Tomatoes.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Thanks, Matt, but no.- It's funny, because the police keep coming
0:17:11 > 0:17:15to my dad's allotments, cos the tomato plants look like marijuana.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Then they leave because the tomato plants are not marijuana, even though they look like marijuana.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Then I get my hair ruffled by a nice policeman who says, "Think you might be a copper one day, young man?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Then I go red. They haven't done that for a while.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I miss being shorter.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- So you're saying that tomato plants look like pot?- Oh, yeah, identical.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So all I have to do is get down the garden centre to stop Ollie
0:17:37 > 0:17:41drinking and I won't have to break the law! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
0:17:41 > 0:17:47Eurgh! Get off me with your smooth, unlined face and gravity-defying arse.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50All right, meat-flaps. Is there something matter?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It's the Principal. She turned me down.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Yeah, she's always doing that.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58It's like she's got some weird moral issue with shagging her students.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It's not fair. I really wanted another middle-aged bird.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Ain't going to happen, toots. They're too picky.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06You're probably right. I'll just have to go even older.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09What?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Well, look at it this way. If a 40-year-old was twice
0:18:12 > 0:18:15as good as Chloe, imagine what an 80-year-old would be like!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- Hello, love.- So...Robyn Crisp.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27I hear modern science is making a great advance on the actualities of string theory.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Availability of water will be the next geo-political crisis point.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Wouldn't know.- Medieval chess boards had 52 pieces each.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Give a toss! Chloe, are you deliberately trying to befuddle me?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Yes.- Well, you're succeeding.- I know.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47And it's not helping me at all.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50What's the matter?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I thought being intellectually superior was what I missed about Matt.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I therefore surmised the gnawing sadness which plagues me
0:18:57 > 0:19:00night and day would be banished if I bamboozled you.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I'm sorry...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I miss him so much...
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Oh, Chloe, come here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Are you going to touch me up?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15What do you think I am - some sort of rampant pussy fiend?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Yes, I was, actually.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I love a girl in uniform.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Jas this is amazing.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I'm like totally schizzled...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38completely whacko Jacko.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Good drug speak.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Do you feel "groovy"?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Hey, it's not me talking, it's da reefer.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Da shrub, da 'erb.
0:19:49 > 0:19:56I can't help it if I'm completely barneyed, if I'm completely jallopied on the old fuzzeroo.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Well, I'm glad it's taken your mind off the drink.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It's taken my mind off the everythingydingle.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Wait, I think I'm starting to hallucinate.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10What's that on that hash plant? It looks like a tomato.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17There, Jas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21That's not a tomato, that's a...pot bulb.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25There's no such thing as a pot bulb.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- How could you?!- With ease.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Anyway, it was for your own benefit. You still got toasted on some premium.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Tomato, Jas!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I smoked a tomato!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Mmm, delicious.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Well, it's not real Basil bush.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47No. Frankly, where would I have got that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I dunno, Amsterdam?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52The Principal? George Michael?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Shut up.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The point is, you lied to me.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02You betrayed my trust, so I'm going to betray yours. Mmmm, delicious.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I give up.
0:21:12 > 0:21:19Hey, you! Young man, what do you think you're doing, traipsing your muddy shoes all over my wet floor?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Sorry old lady.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23You want to be more careful.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27You don't want to do yourself a Morris mischief and crack your Norman noggin.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Why are you looking at me like that?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34It's just...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I find you very attractive.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I wonder...could you see yourself falling for someone like me?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# And I love you so
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# The people ask me how
0:21:52 > 0:21:54# How I've lived to now
0:21:57 > 0:21:59# I tell them I don't know
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# I guess they understand
0:22:07 > 0:22:11# How lonely life has been
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# Till life began again
0:22:17 > 0:22:21# The day you took my hand
0:22:26 > 0:22:33# And yes, I know how lonely life can be... #
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yes!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40# The shadows follow me
0:22:40 > 0:22:45# And the night won't set me free
0:22:46 > 0:22:54# But I don't let people get me down... #
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Panic! Panic!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# She's a model and she... #
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Shall we turn on?- OK.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Look, sweetheart, are you sure wearing these was a good idea?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Don't worry, DK, I'm sure you're going to fit right in.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Look, DK,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34it's a lesbianathon!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I'll get us some drinks.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Shall we have a Velvet Tipper
0:23:45 > 0:23:47or a Fingersmith?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Just a glass of Waters, please, sweetheart.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Hey, are you all right?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Yeah... Look...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Robyn, this lesbian jumper...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I know.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I really hope mine helps me pull.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- I've wanted to start dating for ages.- Well, maybe...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04maybe you could have mine.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Just for tonight, I mean. It's better-made and...
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Oh, DK!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- I don't know what to say. - That's all right.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Cos I've got a change of clothes in my bag, so I'll just...- Hey, there.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16All right, sweetheart.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- I love this knitwear. You wanna dance?- Oh, no, no...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Sure you do! Come to momma!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26No, it's just, I'm not...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Gay? No, of course you're not.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32No, I mean, I've got a cock.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33A strap-on?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Excellent.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You are beautiful.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I hate this lesbian jumper!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Hi, Jas.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Hello, Ollie.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Look...I'm sorry.
0:24:56 > 0:25:03I guess it took me smoking some tomatoes to realise that I have got a problem with alcohol.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08That, and I went without a drink with four hours and saw spiders crawling all over me.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Yeah, you have been losing control a bit, Ollie.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I only pissed my pants four times.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20Five. Although, technically, you were naked and ranting about how unfair life is for the fifth.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Everyone has their dark moments.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Not in Double English.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- So do you think you can stay teetotal?- I don't know.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I'll give it a go...with your help.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm always here for you, Ollie.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Oh, good. Cuddles etc.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Excuse me while I vomit up my lean cuisine.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Hello, Chloe. So how's your dictatorship?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- I'm revolting.- True.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54I've figured out I don't miss power or intellectual superiority.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- I just miss...- I'm never dating an old lady ever again!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because one, they die...
0:26:02 > 0:26:07- ..and two, those chocolates were really expensive.- Very good.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk.- What did she do?
0:26:10 > 0:26:17That tongue found places on me I didn't even know existed.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21You mean you lost your virginity to her?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Not my virginity, exactly.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25More my self-respect.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27And all my earwax.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29And some snot.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33And my belly button cheese...and I want them back!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35But did she, you know,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37bonk you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39No.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42She tried to unstrap my strap-on...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46..and it nearly snapped my cock in half.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48There he is! There he is, Mummy!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I mean, Principal!
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Darren Karrimor! Do you know the meaning of expulsion?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm sorry. I just...
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I really missed you, Biatch.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Aw. I missed you too...
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- Wilberforce, call the police. - Police! Police! Yoo-hoo!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Using the phone, you hairy chump!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Wiki wiki wa wa bugger.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24I am Princess Chloe, in the shed, waiting for ghosts to arrive.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Argh! A ghost!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28The prodigal son has returned!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Come to Wilberforce!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33No, no, that's fine... OK.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Come here.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I think my knickers just exploded!
0:27:39 > 0:27:40ALL: Balamory.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:51 > 0:27:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk