0:00:04 > 0:00:09Well, what a lovely looking bunch you are. What a lovely looking lot.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13You'll like this. I usually like to sleep in the nude.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Which is usually absolutely fine, apart from on those long flights.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'I went to the doctor the other day, I said,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'I need something for persistent wind.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24'He gave me a kite.'
0:00:27 > 0:00:32I didn't know my father. He was someone who dropped by on weekends.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Some weekends.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37There are literally millions of people out there better
0:00:37 > 0:00:39qualified to write a book about him.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Can't you get me out of it?
0:00:42 > 0:00:47I could make some calls, if you're willing to give back the advance.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Er... No.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Who's this?
0:00:56 > 0:01:02That, my love, is Arthur Strong, your father's old comedy partner.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Dad was in a double act? You see, I didn't even know that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07You just need to research your dad's life as you would with
0:01:07 > 0:01:13anything else. You say you didn't know him. This man did, for a start.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14He might have a story to tell.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41BUZZER
0:01:41 > 0:01:43GLASS SMASHES
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- You rang the bell. - I did. Arthur Strong?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- I've broken a plate because of you. - Sorry. I'm Michael Baker.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01That was dishwasher-safe, that was.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Sorry about that. Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10- Come on in then, I've unplugged it. - Unplugged?- There it is. There it is.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14It's never worked properly, the bloody thing.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- What is it?- What do you mean, what is it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Just, what is it?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26There is really no other way of saying it. I don't know what it is.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34- It's a foot spa.- Oh, right.- You know, a spa for your feet.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You know what a spa is, don't you?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It's where you go to relax, and have towel dressing gowns and a bar.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45It's like that, except your feet go to it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And there's no bar.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54How are you going to fix it if you don't know what it is? How does that work?
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Sorry, I think... I'm Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Oh, what does he want? Sent you round to apologise, has he?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Couldn't face me in person?
0:03:05 > 0:03:11- Just like him, mean-spirited, nasty little man.- No, Arthur, he's dead.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Is he? It wasn't me, if that's why you've come round.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20We got on like a house on fire. Shouldn't you have a warrant?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- I'm Michael, I'm his son. - And they've put you on the case?!
0:03:29 > 0:03:35- That's rather unorthodox.- I'm not a policeman. I'm just his son.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- You're little Michael! - So you remember me? We've met?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43We did indeed. Last time I saw you, you burst into tears and urinated.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Really?- I hope you've put that sort of thing behind you.- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53That was the old me.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I'm not clearing all that up, you can get that straight right now.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00No, no. I'm a fully grown man now.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03That doesn't make any difference, you see them going behind Tesco's
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- when the pubs chuck out. Was in the papers.- I don't really want to...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I don't care what your excuse is, if you need to go,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15you go on the toilet in this house like everybody else does.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Or in the shower if you can't get out fast enough.
0:04:23 > 0:04:29- Here.- What is this?- For the toilet. - I don't need the toilet.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Why would I need these?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Obviously to conceal any incidental noise one might
0:04:33 > 0:04:39make in the execution of an unexpected bombing mission.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Could I take you out for lunch? I'd love to talk to you about something.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I tell you what, I'd love a bit of lunch
0:04:47 > 0:04:50and to talk to you about something.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Great.- Grab the foot spa.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'll just put me trousers on!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- £2.60, and a tip, yes? For service. - What?- The service was good, yes?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Was there a problem with the service?- Not at all.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13So there is no change. This is the tip, the tip is 40p.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Of course.- Thank you very much, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25- Actually, I'm an author.- I thought your name was Michael.- It is.
0:05:25 > 0:05:32- I'm an Arthur. Arthur Strong.- Oh! No, no. I'm an author.- I'm an Arthur?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34What are you talking about?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I've been asked if I will write a book about my dad.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Biography, memoir, sort of thing.- Oh, what?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- What do you want?- Good afternoon.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47One of your all-day breakfasts, please.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me today.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans.- So number four?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Yes, you can do it that way as well. Yes.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08- Katya, my Polish princess. - Hello, Arthur!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Katya, what have I told you about wearing eye shadow in my presence?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17If you're not careful, I'll end up chasing you around that table.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- I shall let you catch me if you're not careful.- Ho-ho! Oh, dear.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Ha-ha-ha.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Then what?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- Yes?- Nothing for me, thanks.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Just a cup of tea.- Two teas.- What?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I don't know, I was only going to have one. Are you having two teas?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- What?- Do you want two teas? They must be doing an offer.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- Buy one, get one free or something. - Two teas? No. Just one tea.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Sorry.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I have a foot spa.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I tell you what, I will have two teas.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Go on then, I'll support your new enterprise.- Two teas.
0:07:11 > 0:07:17So, you wanted to meet me because we both have the same name.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21We don't have the same name. My name is Michael.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- I'm an au... I'm a writer. - Oh, a writer, eh? Ho-ho-ho!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28And what books have you Arthured?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Sorry! What books have you Michaeled?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35ARTHURED! AUTHORED!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I don't think you've probably heard of it.- Go on, try me.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Well, my best-known work is called
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Museums: Their Conscience, Our Conscience.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48The Daily Telegraph described my attention to
0:07:48 > 0:07:53detail as bordering on the anal.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Is that a good thing?- I chose to take it as a good thing, yes.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01So how come your dad was a funny man, some might say?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And you went on to write books about anal museums?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I don't really know. To be honest, Arthur,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Dad and I never really saw eye to eye.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18A-ha! So you want me to help you put the boot in. Is that it? Hatchet job.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It mustn't be a hatchet job, I just want the truth.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23That's why it's important for me to fill
0:08:23 > 0:08:25the gaps about the years that you worked together.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Not looking to settle any scores.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Working with your father was a bloody nightmare from beginning to end.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Ha-ha! Great.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- All right, John? Have you heard about the teas offer?- What teas offer?
0:08:38 > 0:08:44- Bulent's doing a special offer, two teas for the price of one.- Is he?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That's what he told me. I'm having two.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- All right? Can I have two teas? - Two teas.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55There's a service for friends and family tomorrow, if you're about.
0:08:55 > 0:09:02- Tomorrow? That is very inconvenient. Are you sure?- Quite sure.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I shall have to move some things around.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Eggy! Eggy! You owe me a pound.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13You owe me a pound.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- I owe you a pound, don't I, Arthur?- Yes, you do.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Don't you try and wriggle out of it.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22GLASS SMASHES
0:09:22 > 0:09:23THEY CHEER
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Arthur, are you going to Kempton tomorrow?- Are you going to Kempton?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You, when is Max's party?- Tomorrow.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's not a party, it's more of a remembrance thing because he's dead.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43That is very inconvenient. I was looking forward to going to Kempton.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You've only just heard about it.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You can look forward to things you've only just heard about.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Like if you turn on the telly,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and they say the Hairy Bikers is just finishing.
0:09:54 > 0:10:00- No, no, no. I won't be coming. - Two teas.- Thank you very much.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Although, thinking about it, Bulent,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06they shouldn't both come at the same time. One of them will go cold.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- How else would I bring them? - I don't know. Why are you asking me?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It is your initiative, isn't it? How do people normally have them?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Every day, this. Every day.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- The special offer!- What special offer? There is no special offer.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I think that's my tea.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Do you know, it strikes me
0:10:23 > 0:10:26you've begun this enterprise in a very cavalier fashion.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30It's a right shambles. Just leave it. I will have them both at once.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- I'm getting a little bit fed up with this now.- Every day.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- He's not thought that through, has he?- I think that's my tea.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Oh!- Sorry.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- These napkins are useless. Look at them.- He's a tight sod, Bulent.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04There are barely big enough to wipe your bottom on.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07It's a heck of a job.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I tell you what, you should come back to mine after.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I've got some old photos from those days.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I expect you will want to see my Memory Man act.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I do this thing where I remember things.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I've got an extraordinary memory.
0:11:27 > 0:11:33Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases. You name it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- I can remember it. - There you go, Arthur.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39£1. What's that for?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45He's actually kind of amazing.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You're right, he's just what the book needs.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Get through all this crap about Dad, get to the truth.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Do be careful it doesn't turn into a hatchet job.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Why does everybody say that?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And you've invited him to the remembrance service?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He sounds like the kind of person who might ruin it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Really? That thought hadn't occurred to me at all.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- At the same time?- What the flip?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You asked for two teas, I bring them.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I didn't know they'd come at the same time.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22That's what I said to him. He's not thought that through.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25What's the point of two teas at the same time?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I don't know. Don't ask me. Don't interrogate me.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33I'm the one that is trying to make some sense of the whole affair.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- What have you got here?- A foot spa. Top of the range. Are you interested?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- What are you asking? - £11 to a friend.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I tell you something, it's like you're walking on air
0:12:45 > 0:12:46when your feet come out of that.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50There is a lot of nonsense talked about water and electricity
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- and plastic not going together. - I'd like to try it first.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Slip your shoes and socks off. Here, where's a socket?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Don't tell Bulent, he'll try and charge us for the electric.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Tight sod. I'll get some water for it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I'm feeling really positive, actually. Things are looking up.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Oh, it's you. Don't need to get up, I just want the sink for the foot spa.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16You finish.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Might be getting shot of the bloody thing at last.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Things are looking up.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You all right?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Yes, sorry, you don't... It's none of my business,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44but you don't need the apostrophe in chips.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- What?- There's an apostrophe in chips, and you don't need it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- It's plural.- Oh, well, that's my brother's department. BULENT!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Oh, God, no! Please don't.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- You should say something, he'd appreciate it.- Really?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Yes, he'd want to get it right. He'll thank you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06- What?- You got the sign wrong. - Well, not wrong, just... Hi.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12It's just chips here has an apostrophe, and you don't need it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16It's a plural so you don't need it. That's all. It's not a big thing.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22- Oh, I see. So there is no need for this thing before the S?- No.
0:14:24 > 0:14:31- Oh, thank you so much! I am so embarrassed.- You shouldn't be.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- All too common mistake. - No, I am really embarrassed.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- In fact, why don't you run the cafe?- Sorry?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Here. Take this.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Now you can write the sign and do the cleaning and cooking
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and dealing with all the things I have to deal with every
0:14:47 > 0:14:51day of my miserable life in this place where there ain't no sun!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I don't want to run a cafe.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I have an announcement. This man is the new owner of the cafe.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- What's your name? - It's Michael.- Michael.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Everyone, say hello to Michael.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03ALL: Hello, Michael.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Can I have a number four, please, Michael? No eggs.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09That's a number three!
0:15:09 > 0:15:14I'm not the new owner. It's just plurals don't need apostrophes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16What's that smell?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Do you smell that? What is that?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22FOOT SPA BUBBLES
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I can feel a tingling sensation.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29See? It's like having your feet in an angel.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What the flip?!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I'll be with you in a moment, Bulent.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36We are conducting a business transaction.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Get me another two teas.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Sorry, John. Make that four teas.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48METAL CLANGING
0:15:58 > 0:16:00CLANGING STOPS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04SINGLE LOUD CLANG
0:16:04 > 0:16:07TOILET FLUSHES
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'll leave all this here if you need it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Thank you.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I can't believe you have this publicity shot.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Oh, you know that one, then? - I certainly do.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23He gave it to me for my 13th birthday.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Signed like this and everything. Didn't even put my name on it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31I'd forgotten about that, actually. It's a good one for the book.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32You ready, then?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Well, that depends.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43What's going to happen?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45My Memory Man act.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Oh, right. Yes. It's just... - This is why we broke up.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I wanted to take the act in an exciting new direction
0:16:52 > 0:16:54and your father wasn't having it.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Hang on, the light's not right. Switch that one off there, will you?
0:17:04 > 0:17:11Welcome, stranger. I am Count Arthur Strong, the Memory Man.
0:17:13 > 0:17:20And I can remember things that other people have...real difficulty with.
0:17:20 > 0:17:27My brain is an extraordinary, um...organ, isn't it?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I'm sure you'll agree you'll have never seen, um,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34an organ like the one I've got.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Many scholars have tested and prodded it,
0:17:39 > 0:17:44trying to find out just what is going on with me.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I simply am an amazing...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52organ.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57How are such feats of memory possible? Is he human?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Now, you, um...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Michael?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Michael. I know!
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Now, you, Michael, get to be as confused and disoriented
0:18:11 > 0:18:14as those selfsame scholars.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I have here a pen and a piece of paper.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I want you to write down on that piece of paper
0:18:20 > 0:18:2699 single-digit numbers of your own choice in a random proportion.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- 99?- No more, no less.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- That's going to take- forever. Better get on with it then, hadn't you?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'm not sure this act would particularly work.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- People would be sitting in silence for ages.- Oh, shut up, Max.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Michael.- Well, start acting like a Michael, then,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42and a little bit less like a clever dick.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Right, that's 99, I think.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53ARTHUR SNORES
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Arthur?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Arthur!- Wha...? Oh, it's mine.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09In a moment, I will ask you to turn the paper round
0:19:09 > 0:19:13so that I can commit all 99 numbers to memory
0:19:13 > 0:19:18in the arbitrary sequence what you have written them down in.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24I will then reiterate to you your numerical string.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Now, reveal to me the number conundrum.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh. Oh, dear. Hang on a second.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44That's better. Bloody pitch black it was until then.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45How am I supposed to...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This bloody thing, isn't it? Eh?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Oh, no!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04It's all right. I've had him out for ten minutes before.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Arthur, please come tomorrow.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10No, no, I've got Kempton.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13You'd be able to maybe say a few things.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Eh?- There'll be quite a few people there.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19What, more than, like, six? A proper audience?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Proper audience.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23You'd be able to share all your thoughts about Dad,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27really give it to him. A proper send-off, that is.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I'll think about it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Now shut up while I do this.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Ahem-hem-hem.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Eight, seven, six, four, three, two, seven, five, five, seven, one,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40five, five, seven, oh, seven, four, zero...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42TALKS GIBBERISH
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Ooh!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oo-oo-ooh!
0:20:53 > 0:20:59The numbers you selected were, in chronological order,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- were two...- No.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- What?- The first one's not two.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Is it nine?- No.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- One?- No.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11- Is it seven?- No.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15You can't have numbers like 11 and 12, if that's what you're doing.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They're all single digits, like you said.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- Eight.- No.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Four.- No. Shall I tell you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23No! Some Memory Man act that would be
0:21:23 > 0:21:26if you just told me what you'd bloody well written down.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31There's a skill to this, you know. It's not as easy as I make it look.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33What numbers haven't I said yet?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36THREE, five, six and zero.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Zero.- No.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Six.- No.- What were the other ones?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43THREE...and five.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Five!- No!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Three!- Correct!- Hurray!
0:21:48 > 0:21:49That's some act!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Oh, it's not over yet. Next number.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Is it three again?- No! Oh...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Dad hated this, right?- Yes.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Well, he won't be there tomorrow.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- All right, I'll come with you.- Great.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Eight!- No.- Oh.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12But who was Max Baker really?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17We all knew he was a funny man and life and soul of the party,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21but no matter how busy he was, he always had time for his family.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25We all had great respect for him for his comedy
0:22:25 > 0:22:28and he could steal a joke as well as anybody I knew.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:34And if there is a heaven, I believe Max is there at the bar
0:22:34 > 0:22:37waiting for somebody to get a round in.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Thank you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The bloody thing will be over by the time we get in here.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48But Arthur, I cannot eat solids.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Maybe there's soup.- Excellent, excellent! Ah, everyone's here.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- You know Katya, John, Eggy.- Hey up.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Do you have soup?- Soup? No.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57What kind of memorial doesn't have soup?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I would say every memorial doesn't have soup.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02But I cannot eat solids.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Well, have a sandwich. Chew it until it's liquid, and then swallow it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Make your own soup in your mouth.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Arthur, you are OK to say a few words still, aren't you?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15What, about Max? You bet your life.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Great. Great.- Bring it on. Come on.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Ladies and gentlemen, this is exciting,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27a bit of a change to the programme. Max's former comedy partner,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30a man I haven't seen for over a quarter of a century,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33ladies and gentlemen, Count Arthur Strong!
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Thank you. Thank you for that warm welcome. I really do.
0:23:43 > 0:23:49So, what can I tell you about the late Max Baker?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Well, I for one...
0:23:54 > 0:23:57uh, will miss him dreadfully.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01He was a lovely man, always a kind word for everyone.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04That's what I remember about him.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09The life and soul of the party, but also a real family man.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Oh, and here, this picture. I was there when he got those shots.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I thought there was something funny because I wasn't in any of them.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Do you know, he was so excited when they got those photographs,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I'll never forget it. He came to the dressing room.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27He took the top one out, signed it, put it to one side
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and said, "That's for little Michael."
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- CROWD:- Aw!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33But enough of me. Anyway,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36let's hear from the little man himself, Max's pride and joy,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40my new best friend, Michael Baker.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Uh, thank you, Arthur. Thank you, Barry.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What to, uh...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58What to, what to say about my, uh...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- HIS VOICE CRACKS - ..about my dad?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Sorry...
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Sorry.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16HE SOBS
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Have you got a handkerchief or something, please?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Eugh!- Urgh!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Haven't you got anything bigger?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Ah, no, no!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50DISGUSTED MURMURINGS
0:25:59 > 0:26:03It really is just going through, Arthur. It's just going through.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LOUD HONKING
0:26:09 > 0:26:14- HE WAILS - This is embarrassing!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Arthur, it's like sneezing into a Battenberg!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I feel like The Exorcist!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Oh, what a lovely speech.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40And now, in a change to the scheduled running order,
0:26:40 > 0:26:45journey with me to the mystic world of memory
0:26:45 > 0:26:47as I, Count Arthur Strong...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49CROCKERY SHATTERS
0:26:49 > 0:26:51SHE CHOKES
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Katya!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- What do I do? - Give her the Heimlichan manoeuvre!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58What is that? How do you do it?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02You sort of punch her in the stomach from behind, in a nice way.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Katya, this is Michael doing this to you,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08should you wish to press charges.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10FABRIC TEARS
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, God!
0:27:13 > 0:27:14What do I do now?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Don't put her down!- What do I do?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20SIREN WAILS
0:27:20 > 0:27:22KATYA GROANS
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Could someone rub my foot?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Why didn't you tell me that?- What?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44About my dad? About the photo?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Oh, yes, he never stopped talking about you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It was Michael this, Michael that.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53You know, he always had your picture on his dressing room mirror.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56He would tap it for luck before he went on stage.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Why didn't you tell me?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Can't remember everything.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:35 > 0:28:37HE LAUGHS
0:28:44 > 0:28:46ELECTRICITY BUZZES
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Aaargh!