0:00:18 > 0:00:21This is somebody else, this is obviously not you.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25No, no, no, I've had all this before. Dear, oh, dear!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29I do not claim that that is me.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33That photograph is merely there to show you what a relaxed
0:00:33 > 0:00:35human male MIGHT look like.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38When I picked up this card in the newsagents, I thought...
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Let me stop you there. Look, I'm no Tom Daley, I admit it.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46No, no, no, that's very kind of you, but I'm not,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I don't care what you say.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Look, what I bring to the table is a body that has lived.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56My body has been there, done it, got the T-shirt.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00So, the choice is yours, you can either take the easy route, or
0:01:00 > 0:01:05you can accept the unique challenge that a body like mine might set you.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10- It is entirely up to you.- I think we'd rather...- That's settled, then.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I'll hang this up here, shall I?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16ALL GROAN
0:01:22 > 0:01:26How do you want me, then - socks on or socks off?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I tell you what, I'll leave them on till the heating's kicked in.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Ooh, I should just mention, fluctuations in temperature
0:01:38 > 0:01:42may change some aspects of my physicality.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45So, you might want to make allowances for that in any
0:01:45 > 0:01:50sizing-up you do. Just be a bit more generous than you usually would.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Is this all right? Or, I can do a Christine Keeler.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Oh, don't use that chair! - What? Oh, right.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Oh, don't worry about me. A little bit of a breeze never hurt anyone.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Where's she off to? The canteen?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Ooh, do you know, I could murder a sausage roll meself.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Ah, morning, Arthur. You're in late.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Have to say, you missed a right old ding-dong earlier.- Oh, yeah?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24John came in and he didn't have the right change
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and Bulent got very frustrated and John said...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Oh, it was something really funny...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- John, what was it again you said to Bulent earlier?- Sorry?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- You said something earlier to Bulent, it was really funny.- Did I?- Yes!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40You know, um... HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I'm sorry I missed that(!)
0:02:43 > 0:02:45How much longer is he going to be here?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Who is he?- Me old comedy partner's son.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53He's writing a book about his bloody dad. He's called Martin.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Michael. I can hear this whole conversation!- Can you?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Oh, I knew that, I was just having a bit of fun with you.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Oh, right, ha-ha, nicely done! Oh, I love all this.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Oh, Arthur, where did you and Dad do your National Service again?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Aden. And it was bloody hot.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It was that hot, you could fry an egg on a tank.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Although it, erm, wouldn't... taste very nice.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Not the same can be said about my good friend Bulent's eggs!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I don't mean YOUR eggs, in that way.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I'm not inferring that you produced them from your body.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Mind you, people would pay good money to see that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You might want to give that some thought.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I-I couldn't eat one, though. Oh, no, no, no!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I couldn't eat a human egg!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I'm surprised at you!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Yes?- I-I'm not very hungry.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Can I have a number four, please?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Oh, you don't want a number four, mate.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00You want to get a number two, with some lovely sausages.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That IS a number four. You want a number four.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Don't listen to him, talk to him, or take any advice from him.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06You, are you going to eat something?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I-I've already eaten.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I-I'll have a cup of tea, please.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Good morning, Katya, my perfumed garden!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Good morning, Arthur!
0:04:16 > 0:04:23- I found out what he does. Our mystery man.- Oh, yeah? Who is he?
0:04:23 > 0:04:28He's a restaurant critic. He's doing a big thing on local cafes.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- What?- Yeah. Big write-up on all the cafes in the area.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Sinem! Si...
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Sorry, have I done something to upset Bulent?
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Erm... It's the way you're sitting.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54In Turkey, it's sort of...
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- overfamiliar to sit facing the cook. - Oh, is it?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Well, if you don't know him very well.- Oh! Why didn't somebody...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- He should have said! - It is pretty widely known.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- I really didn't know, I'm so sorry! - I did wonder.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- It seemed a bit insensitive of you. - I promise, I didn't know.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I'm not one of those... I'm not a... No, I'm a nice man, I promise.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- Here, Martin...- Michael!- What would you pay for a work of art like that?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- What am I looking at?- It's me.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- There's my head and there's my socks.- And what's that...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, no!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Good, isn't it? Do you want to buy it?- I'll pay you to burn it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Here, John! Take a look at this.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Oh, God, it's still in my eyes!
0:05:49 > 0:05:56- What ARE you doing here? - What? Oh. Er... I like it here.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I'm getting so much done.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And Arthur's being brilliant, he's like Google.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04But a Google that has lots of information about my dad.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07There's surprisingly little about my dad's early years on the internet.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- And what's Arthur getting out of it? - Sorry?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13You going to give him royalties or something?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15HE LAUGHS
0:06:15 > 0:06:20- No.- You see what he has to do to get by.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I guess I thought it would be nice if you could pay him back
0:06:24 > 0:06:26for all the help he's given you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Hello, Sinem. What are you up to?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Oh, you know, just keeping myself amused.- Oh.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- You didn't have to come, I can do this myself.- You sure?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- It's not a problem. - Just leave me alone.- Oh, sorry.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I need to get a paper, anyway.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Excuse me, do you know if there are any Guardians left?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I don't work here, mate.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01No, no, I didn't think you did. I just, erm...
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I thought you... might... read it, too. And...
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Do you know if there are any Guardians?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11No, there don't seem to be. Anyway, it's been very nice talking to you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12And... nice to meet you.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Goodbye. God bless you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22(I have to go. We have to go!)
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I've got to get me cards, they've gone yellow!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28How many of these do you have up here? Are these all you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:33- These are all you!- They are. This shop window is my...
0:07:33 > 0:07:34shop window.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37French polishing? German lessons?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You can't speak German, can you?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Ah, I do not claim to be able to speak German.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I just talk about Germany for a bit.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Anyway. Can we please just go?- All right, all right, keep your hair on!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Oh, sorry, I thought, um... From... God! Do you want to... Oh, sorry.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01There we go, sorry, very nice to meet you, goodbye.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05For God's sake, get a grip on yourself!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- God, that was awful!- What was? - He thinks that I think that...
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- I DON'T think that.- You don't think what? Whatever are you on about?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18He doesn't think I'm a nice man.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23He doesn't think I'm a nice man!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25What does that matter to you?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I can't have that, I can't have people thinking I'm not a nice man.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30But I am a nice man!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Well, if it means anything, I think you are a very nice man, Martin.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- It's Michael!- Here, hold those.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Horse rising lesions? What are horse rising lesions?- What?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, it's when you get a horse and you...
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Give that to me.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Handwriting lessons!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Dear, oh, dear!
0:08:57 > 0:09:03My two favourite customers! Please, please, come, come, sit! Please.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Please. My friend, yeah, very nice, please. Sit down.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12A word about the menu, look out for the sausages, which have a touch
0:09:12 > 0:09:16of fennel, I think a very nice effect, and the baked beans, which
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- have been sprinkled with cinnamon and sweetened with apple juice.- Oh!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- I like the sound of that, yes, please.- I'll have toast.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Why would anyone want to touch a sausage with a flannel?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- No, there's a touch of fennel in the sausages.- That's what I said!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36They must have been on the floor.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Are you all right?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Yeah. Don't know why, but my cheeks are really hurting.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- So, it's all right if I sit this way now?- Oh, I don't know.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- It is a Tuesday.- Oh, yes, God, sorry! Of course, yeah.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Arthur, we need to swap.- What? - Quickly, quickly!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What is the matter with you today?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Ripper tours?
0:09:57 > 0:10:02- You do Jack the Ripper tours?- Yes. I have a mate with an ice cream van.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- So...?- I do Jack the Ripper tours from the van.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Why?- Well, these Jack the Ripper tour guides, they make a mint, that lot.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But if you so much as go near their patch, they're all over you.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25So, what you do is, you drive around Balham, looking for tourists,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27and when you find a few, you jump out and give them
0:10:27 > 0:10:32an instructional and educational Jack the Ripper tour.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Why Balham?- It's where they did all the murders.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- No, that was Whitechapel.- Was it?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Oh, wherever it was.- But why do you do it from an ice cream van?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- I still don't get that bit. - Well, that's the really clever part.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Two reasons.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50Reason one, what do people do when they hear an ice cream van?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- They run out, don't they? - If they're 10.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Well, when they run out, they see it's a Ripper tour
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and they have that, instead of a cone.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- That's almost not an idea!- Why not?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Do you sell ice creams as well? - No, no, no, that would be confusing.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13People go up to an ice cream van for ice cream.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16If they go up to an ice cream van and instead of getting an ice cream,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20they get quite badly misinformed about Jack the Ripper, I don't
0:11:20 > 0:11:24think people will pay for that service.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27No part of this idea works.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31I don't understand which part you think works.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34The other thing is, you need a driver, in case one of the real
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Ripper guides comes back and you have to make a quick getaway.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Ooh, they can be terribly aggressive people, Jack the Ripper tour guides.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Nobody's making a getaway in an ice cream van, they only do about 10 miles an hour.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- No, no. They're normal vans.- What?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You never see them going at any kind of speed.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54They've got to be careful of the kids, that's why they always go slow. They're normal vans.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, even if that's true, you've got a freezer
0:11:56 > 0:12:00and a Whippy machine on there, don't see that doing above 30.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- It's connected to the music.- Sorry?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- The faster the music, the faster the van goes.- He's right, you know.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10If you ever hear one playing Flight of the Bumblebee, run for your life!
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Ohhh! There's something wrong with the beans!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Yeah, they've been on the floor.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20He's had... He's had to wipe everything with a flannel!
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- "I will tune your harpsichord." You know how to do that?- I do indeed.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27These are all very specific.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Do you really think a newsagent is the best pl...
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Oh!
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Arthur, do you know what you should do? Oh, my God! Get ready.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I am about to change your life.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Oh, I don't know about this, I'm not good with computers.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Arthur, it's so simple. I can guide you through the worst of it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Now, just press OK.- Where's OK?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- No, it's not on the keyboard, it's on the screen.- This one?
0:12:58 > 0:13:04No, no, you just turned it off there. OK, just boot it back up again.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- And you're giving me this?- Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Yes, I'm actually giving you a computer. Right, here we go.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17- Now, press OK.- Where's OK?- Again, not on the keyboard, it's on the screen.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18See where it says OK?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20OK, shall I do this bit?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Right, now, this is like an online messageboard type of thing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29You put things up here, and then people see them and get in touch.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Think of it like the shop window, but on a much bigger scale.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Millions of people can access this page.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Well, a lot of people saw that shop window. It was by a bus stop.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41OK. Now, what kind of things do you want up here?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You can be as specific as you like.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Ooh, put, "Mesmero, the Child Hypnotist".
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Mesmero, the Child Hyp... Sorry, what is that exactly?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's a hypnotist act, except for kids.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I get them biting into onions, they think they're chickens, all that.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- They love it! Ooh, it's hysterical. Er, when it works.- Right.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'm not necessarily sure this is the right...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- You said anything!- All right.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- BULENT:- That's it! No, just leave it!
0:14:07 > 0:14:13Put down, "Mesmero - I will make your child behave like an idiot!"
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- BULENT:- Go on, you know that you can do this.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- What's up with Eggy? - He's complaining about the menu.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I said, "If you don't like it, you can bugger off."
0:14:22 > 0:14:27No, no, what did you do that for? Eggy!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Can you find phone numbers on this? - Er, yes.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Just type what you're looking for into that space there.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- It's all good, isn't it?- Yup.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I've helped you, I've done something for you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44In a sense, I've paid you back for all the help you've given me.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Oh, yes.- Good, good, great.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52- Can I use your phone?- I... Yes, yes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Ahem!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Ahem-hem-hem!
0:15:01 > 0:15:07Hello, could I speak to the Managing Director of Miami Fashions UK?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Oh, she's putting me through! This is amazing!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14You were right, this is going to change my life!
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- Oh, no problem, Arthur.- Hello, is that the Managing Director? It is?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Oh, hello, how are you? I just wanted to say...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I've got you now, you bugger!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Why didn't you answer my letters?
0:15:27 > 0:15:3338 times I've written to you about those socks! Well, I've got you now.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Because I found your number on the Ilfracombe!
0:15:37 > 0:15:42So I'm on to you, I'm on to you! Watch your back!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Thank you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- What was that?- What? - That was a threatening phone call!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- No, it wasn't.- You just made a threatening phone call from my phone!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53But it was monomynous, wasn't it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55No, they have my number now,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59it wasn't "monomynous", it was me! They'll think that was me!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Oh, my God, there's a police officer over there.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07What, Roger? It'd take more than that to shock Roger.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08It'd take a bloody earthquake!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Here, John, I'm saying, what would it take to shock Roger?- Roger?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13He's unflappable.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16That's it, that's the very word, you hit the nail on the head there.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19That's him to a tee, is inflammable!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Unflappable.- Inflammable.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Unflappable.- Unflappable!
0:16:24 > 0:16:28That's it, is inflatable! Nothing fazes him.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Anyway, I think I should take this computer back.- What? No, you can't!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You can't take it off me, I feel powerful, like nobody can
0:16:34 > 0:16:38touch me, like I could do anything I wanted! Give us me computer!
0:16:38 > 0:16:39What are you going to do?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I'm going to tell that Stephen Fry what I think of him.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44No, you are not! Oh, my God, you are a troll.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You've not been online 10 minutes and you're already a troll.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- You leave Stephen Fry alone! Give me that.- Get off it! You gave me it!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Get off!- Oh, God! I'm going to have to ration you with that.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Almost wish I hadn't got you online, you... rascal.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02How do you get the lid up?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Hey-hey! Ha-ha!
0:17:16 > 0:17:22- He-e-ey!- Hey, this is brilliant, look at all these people!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That review really did a good job.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Don't get too excited, they're not ordering anything. What review?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I got an alert from Tripadvisor. Hey-hey!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Hey-hey!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- But it's not... It couldn't be him. - But it is, look, look!
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Michael Baker. And look, he has given us...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47one star.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- WOMAN:- Thank you so much.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's getting harder and harder to find people
0:17:54 > 0:17:55who can do this kind of work.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- Do you have a picture of the harpsichord?- Oh, er...
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Actually, I think I do. Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Oh.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I'm afraid I'm unable to help you after all.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I had this completely different idea of what a harpsichord is.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Oh.- Number 43!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- I've come about the bikes, two free bikes to a good home?- Oh, yes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- Can I have a look at them?- What? - Let's have a look at them, then.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I haven't... I thought you were giving them away.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36What would I want to give away two bikes for? Do I look like an idiot?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- I WANT two free bikes. - Oh, sorry. Er...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Number 44!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44One star? One star?!
0:18:45 > 0:18:51No, no, no, I talk ABOUT Germany. The lessons are ABOUT Germany.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56You know, "Heil Himmler," er, er... winning medals, all that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Come on, come on, there's people waiting! 45!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Why did you do this?- What?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Why did you write these things about my cafe?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- I didn't write anything about your cafe.- Don't test me, my friend, I will whisk you!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"The sausages have been wiped with a flannel."
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"The eggs are unflammable." What does that even mean?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- You are not a nice man.- I am a nice man! Please don't whisk me.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26That was Arthur, it must have been Arthur.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- He must have signed it under my name somehow.- It's him?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31How in the hell did he get on the internet?
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Arthur and the internet are two things which must never go together.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Take him down. Take him offline.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41HE SIGHS All right, all right,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- I'll do it.- Now!- Yes, now, of course.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Hello again. Sorry, you probably don't remember me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I thought you worked in the newsagent. Don't know why I'm bringing it up again!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Anyway, we should, er, we should go for a drink sometime.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Arthur, this has to stop. I'm going to have to take you off the internet.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03What? You can't!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Look at all these people, and they all want a piece of me!
0:20:07 > 0:20:08You can't shut me down.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I'm just about to exchange my bank details with
0:20:12 > 0:20:14the Prince of Nigeria himself!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I have to. You are out of control.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Out of control? Don't be a fool, man. I've never felt more powerful!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Look, Katya has nowhere to sit.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Katya? Nowhere to sit?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- What have I become?!- See?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- I'm sorry, Arthur, I'm going to have to take you offline.- No, no!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I won't let you!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44You-you can't throw open the doors to a brave new world
0:20:44 > 0:20:49and then take it all away from me! I've crossed the Rubicon, Michael.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And I like it! It's where I belong,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56surfing the web of the...Ilfracombe!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Sorry, Arthur.- No, no, I won't let you, I won't let you!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- I'll make it up to you, I promise. - How?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04How can you possibly make it up to me?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS "GREENSLEEVES"
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Jack the Ripper tours! Stop me and go on one!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26The notorious burglar and murderer...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28GUTTURAL GURGLING
0:21:28 > 0:21:31..Jack the Ripper and his... merry men.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37He robbed from the rich and slaughtered all the prozzitutes.
0:21:41 > 0:21:47Whitechapel, the end of the 19th century. Or thereabouts.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49There is something in the air.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Is it the smell of the effluent that comes from not having proper,
0:21:54 > 0:22:02er, toilets? No. It is the smell of fear. Fear of Jack the Ripper.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09Who, or what, is, or was, Jack the Ripper?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12That question has fascinated people's donkeys for years...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16No, has fascinated people for donkey's years.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21We know he lived at 221B Baker Street.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24We know some called him The Elephant Man.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28That much, at least, is beyond conjecture.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32However, there is much that is shrouded in fog.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Follow me and I will show you how little I know...
0:22:36 > 0:22:42IS known of this eternally romantic and dashing figure.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And it was on this very spot,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54here, behind, er, Lidl's,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57that the body of Jack's first victim was found.
0:22:57 > 0:23:04I say "body" because the post-mortem revealed the victim had no head.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08They do say that in the dead of night, she can still be heard,
0:23:08 > 0:23:14walking these streets, tapping on windows and going on about it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Now, are there any questions, before we carry on?
0:23:17 > 0:23:22How could she be going on about it if she doesn't have a head?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, very clever.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I'm sorry about this woman, everybody.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31There's always one, isn't there?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Oi! What are you playing at?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Were you all waiting for the 2pm Ripper tour?- ALL:- Yes.- That's me!
0:23:38 > 0:23:43I don't know who this bloke is, I was just getting a coffee.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Have you given him any money? - Yes, a tenner.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59HORN BEEPS LOUDLY Sorry!
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Sorry! No, it's all right, I was just... Hi!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Get it started, we're off!
0:24:10 > 0:24:15This is them now. Right, don't panic, just put the music on.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17JINGLE PLAYS
0:24:17 > 0:24:25Everything is completely normal. Just a normal ice cream van.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I've told you, we don't do 99s!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Well, can I have a Fab?
0:24:39 > 0:24:44We don't do Fabs! We don't do ALL of these ice creams!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's Jack the Ripper tours.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Do you want to go on a Jack the Ripper tour? Is that your mother?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Go and ask her if you can have £15 for the Jack the Ripper tour.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59If she says no, tell her school says you've got to do it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Arthur... Some of these kids look a bit angry.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07What, them ones with the Strawberry Mivvi?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Maybe we should start selling ice creams.- No, I've told you!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- It's confusing.- Whatever. I'm going to get a sandwich.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Have another Cornetto. - I need real food.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I cannot eat any more Cornettos. I've got the worst ice cream headache.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Back in a second.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Jack the Ripper!
0:25:38 > 0:25:44Hi... Hi! Erm... Er, sorry, I...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Sorry, excuse me?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- CLANGING METAL, HISSING - What's going on now?
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Get out of it! Oh, what have you done?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- No!- Where are you going?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Wait! Wait!- Argh!
0:26:30 > 0:26:36- Wait, it's me!- No! Please, no! - It's me!- Just stop, leave me alone!
0:26:36 > 0:26:43- No, no! No, I'm a nice man! - Leave me alone!- No, I'm a nice man!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44What are you doing?!
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I-I found him.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55ICE CREAM VAN HORN BEEPS
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- BRAKES SQUEAL - Martin! Get in!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01DOOR SLAMS, TYRES SCREECH
0:27:01 > 0:27:07ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE SPEEDS UP
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What a day!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I think you're right. I'm better off without the Ilfracombe.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I don't like what it made me.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I'm-I'm more of a people person, Michael.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Michael!- I said Michael!
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Oh, yes! You did, didn't you? Oh, sorry, shall I...?
0:27:35 > 0:27:40- No, you're all right. Um, on the house. I'm sorry.- What for?
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Sometimes, I'm not a nice girl. - Oh, well!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48I-I-I th-think you're very nice.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Thanks, Martin.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Are you sure I can't tempt you, Martin?
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Ohh, no! Ohh!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Right, and then, er... the Victorian policeman, yeah...
0:28:44 > 0:28:48he chased the first Jack the Ripper, yeah, down...down over there.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52And then...an ice-cream van turned up with another Jack the Ripper.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56And he says, "Get in." And then they both just...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58They just drove off.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Right.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04So, we've got two Jack the Rippers in an ice-cream van,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07pursued on foot by a Victorian policeman.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Yeah.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11And what time was this?