0:00:16 > 0:00:20So I'm asking everybody if they have a favourite Max Baker story.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Ah! Well, how much time have you got? So many stories.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Great, great. Just, er... Say them into the tape recorder.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Well, I suppose the one I remember about your dad is, you know
0:00:32 > 0:00:34how Max could be a bit competitive?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Yes. Yes, I do.- Well...
0:00:37 > 0:00:38HE LAUGHS
0:00:38 > 0:00:41He bought me a table tennis table when I was 12.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46I was quite good at it. One night he asked me for a game and I won.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48He couldn't bear it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51He made me play him again, and again, game after game.
0:00:51 > 0:00:57And I kept winning, even when I tried not to. All night we played.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Long after my bedtime. My arm ached.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Finally, he threw the paddle down, walked out without a word.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Didn't say "good night" or anything.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Few days later, I came home
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and he'd given the table away to Children In Need.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Anyway, funny stories. Off you go.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Sorry about this, Michael. I would have given you more time,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32but I'm producing a radio play this morning and I've got to get back.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, no, that's fine. You've given me more than enough.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40- Before we go, take a look at this. - Oh! Goodness, there they are. Ha!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45- Arthur's still wearing that hat. - Arthur? He's still alive?
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Oh, yes, yes. He's er... He's very...very alive.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- He's "helping me" with my book. - What does he do with himself then?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, he likes to think he's still in the business,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01but as far as I can tell, he's just a highly functioning psychopath.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Actually, that's not true. He's not...highly functioning.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Sorry. Excuse me. Hello, Rachel.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What's... What's happened?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, you're joking. Rachel, you're joking.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Listen, Arthur, er... All right, I'll just come out and say it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Somebody has asked me to ask you
0:02:25 > 0:02:28if you'd be interested in doing a few lines in a radio play today.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30There. I've done it. I have passed the message on.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Whatever happens now is nothing to do with me.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Could I have a tea and toast, please, Sinem.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42- All the details are on there.- What? A radio play? Me? They asked for me?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I know. I was the same way.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Apparently the actor who was going to do it
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- has had an accident or something. - That's brilliant!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Will I have time for breakfast?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- No, not really.- Never mind. I'll get Bulent to do me a pocket breakfast.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- What's a pocket breakfast? - John, have you heard that?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I've just landed the lead role in a radio play!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It's not the lead role, it's literally two lines.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- What's a pocket breakfast? - Two lines?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, that's something we'll have to discuss.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13No, it really is just two lines. They're written down there.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Oh, I'll just get my reading glasses.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Erm... Oh, it's not those. Erm...
0:03:22 > 0:03:23It's definitely not those.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Here they are.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Which ones are these then?- I'll read it! I'll read it. For God's sake.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Right, you just have to say,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"I'm sorry," and "Goodbye, Samantha."
0:03:50 > 0:03:54That sounds doable. I'm sorry, Sarah.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- What was the other one? - No, Samantha.- No, Samantha!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- It's "Goodbye, Sarah"... - Goodbye, Sarah!- Sorry, Samantha.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- You said Sarah. - Sorry, Samantha, you said Sarah!- No!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- It's a bigger part than you had me believe.- No, it's not.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13- It is just two lines, "I'm sorry..." - Nothing for you to be sorry about.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It's their fault for not making it clearer!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18That's the line, that's what you have...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20MOBILE RINGTONE OF A CHOIR SINGING
0:04:21 > 0:04:26- Hello? Oh, hello, Sheila. - Bulent, I want to change me order.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- I'll have a pocket breakfast.- We're not supposed to be meeting, are we?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33No, no, nothing like that. Have you heard about Ronald Harrison?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Oh, he's not won another bloody award, has he?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Oh, God, that's so unfair! Did you read his last one, Sheila?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I couldn't finish it. Oh, God, I hate him. And he's younger than me.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46He's had a massive heart attack.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh, that's awful!
0:04:49 > 0:04:54He's just won that award! Oh, that's so unfair. I must finish his book.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58A heart attack? But he's younger than me.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It happened while he was doing a photo shoot for an Observer profile.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, for f... Oh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I thought you should know in case you want to send a card.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Yes, of course. Thank you, Sheila. Thank you. Sorry, John?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Could I just borrow your newspaper a minute?- You all right?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Yeah, just a bit poleaxed. It's a writer, Ronald Harrison.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Was a friend of mine. Apparently he had a heart attack.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26There's nothing about it in here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31This is some sort of horse newspaper.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34It's the Racing Post.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Here you go. Ronald Harrison.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- Yeah.- He looks like an old boyfriend of mine.- Really?
0:05:45 > 0:05:50- Huh, well, that's... That's your type?- Not anymore.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54He was one of these big babies, wanted to be taken care of,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- needed a mum, not a girlfriend. - Oh, I hate that, yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I bet Ronald's like that as well. Yeah. Just a big baby.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- (BABY VOICE) Just wants somebody to take care of him.- Hmm.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Especially now he's had his heart attack.- Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I keep on forgetting.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What is this? What is this?!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14'Harrison says the experience has made him re-evaluate his life
0:06:14 > 0:06:18'and his next book will be a portrait of his father.'
0:06:18 > 0:06:23(WHINING) He can't do that! He can't do a portrait of his father!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'm doing of portrait of MY father!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- He's not writing about your father, is he?- Well, are you sure?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Cos I wouldn't put it past him. Oh, God, I don't believe this.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38- Here, Eggy, get a load of this. I'm doing a play on the radio.- No!- Yes!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- This is it, Eggy, my comeback. - Just two lines!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43When do we get to hear it?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Unfortunately, they have not furnished me
0:06:46 > 0:06:48with the dates of transmission, but as soon as...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Oh, for crying out loud! - What's wrong?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55I've got to be at home this afternoon. I'm expecting a delivery.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59John, what are you doing today? Can you wait in at mine for a delivery?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Sorry, Arthur, I've got pilates.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- What about you? What are you doing today?- Writing, working.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- I've got to write up all my notes. - You can do that at my house.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10No, Arthur.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm sorry, but I need a certain environment to work,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- and your house is not that. - Please, Michael!- No! Definitely not.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Oh, go on.- Oh, all right then, I will.- I need to get changed.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28I'll see you back at mine in ten minutes, all right? Ooorgh!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Radio play!
0:07:31 > 0:07:32BUZZER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I'm coming! I'm coming.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oh.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- What's up with your door? - It's sticking at the bottom.- Ow!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I keep meaning to get me plane out and take a bit off it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51In fact, you could do that for me while you're waiting if you want.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I'm writing up my notes, Arthur, I'm not going to plane your door.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Ooph.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Ow! Where's the sofa? - It's what you're waiting in for.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- I've had to get a new one. - Where am I supposed to sit?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- How am I supposed to work? - The sofa people won't be long.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- They said somewhere between 12 and 5. - I'm never going to finish this book.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Here, this will cheer you up.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- I'll show you the letter your dad and me got from Elvis Presley.- What?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- What did you say? - It's in here somewhere.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad?- Yeah. He was a big fan.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Elvis Presley was a fan of my dad? - And me.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34We were a double act, remember. Don't be rewriting me out of history.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Wait a second, I want to get this right.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41- You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad? THE Elvis Presley?- Yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Hand written.- Oh, my God!
0:08:43 > 0:08:48This is the thing that'll bring the book to life! Oh, take that,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Ronald bloody Harrison, although I'm sorry about your heart attack.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- May I?- Help yourself. I think it's in that box.- Thank you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Thank you, Arthur. - Ta-ta, Michael. Thanks again.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04There's no letter in here.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Ugh...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I can't thank you enough, Arthur. I was really in a bind.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. Only too happy to help.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You're saying all these biscuits are free?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Well, er... Yes, yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Arthur, this is Luke, who's playing Paul, our leading man.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Luke, this is Arthur.- Hello, Arthur. - Delighted to meet you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- Another day, another job, eh? - Oh, yes. Oh, jobs, jobs, jobs.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55I've got so many jobs. Big jobs as well.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I've got massive, big jobs coming out me ears!
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- That's impressive. Who's your agent?- Michael Baker.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- I might get his number off you later.- Hi.- Hello.- Ah.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Arthur, this is Rachael Goodwin. - Oh, thank goodness for that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Get the kettle on, love, I'm gasping.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- Our director. She's directing the piece.- Hi.- Ha-ha! Ho-ho! I know!
0:10:22 > 0:10:27I was only pulling your leg. I know women don't make tea for men anymore.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And if you ask me, it's a disgrace they ever had to!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Thank you so much for helping us out, Arthur.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37We only have Dame Agnes for a few hours.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Have you had a chance to read the play?- I haven't, no. Have you?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Well, I wrote it.- Did you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I should just say now, I won't do anything blue.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Unless, of course, my fee was adjusted to reflect this
0:10:52 > 0:10:56potentially exciting new direction for my career you're suggesting.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Rachael, are you all right to get on?- Thanks, Colin, yes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- I'll take it from here.- OK.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Let me introduce you to the last members of our merry band.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Jennifer Mallison and of course Dame Agnes.- Of course.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Very pleased to meet you, Dame Agnes. - I'm not Dame Agnes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Oh, of course, of course. You'd be much older, wouldn't you?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21This must be her now.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27(RAISES VOICE) I say! This must be you now!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I can hear you perfectly well, Arthur.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Have you got some sort of device? - I'm sorry?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37(RAISES VOICE) For your hearing!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- No. There's nothing wrong with my hearing.- Here!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- She was trying to pass herself off as you, you know.- I wasn't!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46She didn't fool me, though.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I can always tell when someone's been ennobled.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53They have a grace, don't they? An innate grace.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55(LOUDLY) She's not got it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Will you please stop shouting, Arthur,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00we can all you hear you perfectly well.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh, right.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I'm sorry, but...are any of you going to make the tea?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16BANGING AND CRASHING
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ohhh...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Nothing!
0:12:27 > 0:12:32My hypothesis, and it's only a hypothesis,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35is that what we're dealing with here is a morality play.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Yeah, that's precisely what I was going for.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42With each character representing a different vice.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Pride, as seen in Paul, our manipulative lothario.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Penelope, whose vanity manifests itself in everything she says
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and does, and Samantha, the mother,
0:12:54 > 0:12:59whose greed and despair ultimately lead to her downfall.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Bang on!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Sorry?- I'm just agreeing with the... hippopotamus.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Although I have yet, as I say, to read the play.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Does anyone have any questions so far?
0:13:19 > 0:13:25- Oh.- Yes, Arthur?- Um, viz a viz the lunch situation...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I'm afraid it's up to individuals to sort out their own lunch.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- I was actually... - I find that very surprising.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Last time I worked for the BBC they had a running buffet.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Any questions on the play is what I mean.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Rachael, my character, tell me if this is way off, but I see him
0:13:41 > 0:13:45as...barely able to contain his sexuality.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50He could erupt at any moment. He's like a carnal...Vesuvius.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54A carnal Vesuvius. Ooh, I love that!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oh, yes, that's a wonderful image for us all
0:13:57 > 0:13:59to keep in our minds as we proceed.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Dame Agnes, how do you see your character?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I went home with a whole salmon!
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- I'm sorry?- From the buffet.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Must have weighed 20lbs. I was eating it for days.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Yes?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Hmm! Dame Agnes, any single image?
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Salmon for me breakfast, salmon for me dinner, salmon for me sodding tea.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I was sick of the sight of the bloody thing in the end.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Staring at me with those cold, accusing eyes.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34In the end, I had no option but to flush it down the toilet.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Dame Agnes, an image?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'm sorry, Rachael, all I can see is a salmon in a toilet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Is she a bit like that? Like a salmon trapped in a toilet?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55No, she's not like that! Not at all.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Can you come back to me?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Jennifer, how about you? - Well...- Like Free Willy.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Except, instead of a live whale, it was a dead salmon.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12And instead of a little boy being jumped over, it was me flushing...
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Will you stop talking about the salmon?! Stop talking about it!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Just stop it!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Who's Colonel Vesuvius?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Aaagh!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39LOUD CRASH
0:15:42 > 0:15:43HE GROANS
0:15:49 > 0:15:51AAAAARRRGH!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54SCREAMING CONTINUES
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Paul, what are you doing here?- Your mother invited me for the weekend.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Why?- Don't look so shocked, darling. It's all perfectly innocent.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back? I'm turning into a crisp.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- I'm...going to my room.- Hurry, Samantha!- All right, I'm coming.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Are you going to leave your trousers on?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I guess I could slip into my trunks. I am on holiday.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21LOUD UNZIPPING
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Goodness, look at you!- What?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Ahem! Some privacy, please!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Spoilsport! Sorry, Rachael, I don't understand this bit.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35It seems very coy of him suddenly to ask her to turn around.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Everything else has been... freighted with sexuality...
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and then he wants some privacy to put his trunks on.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I, um...I don't get it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Um... Well...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54CUTLERY CLATTERS
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Even Paul has limits... and here he's...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02exercising his power by...
0:17:03 > 0:17:06..arbitrarily enforcing those limits.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Er, I see.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09And you don't want everybody staring at you
0:17:09 > 0:17:12when your landing gear's descending.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Let's take it back to "I won't peek."
0:17:20 > 0:17:22All right, I won't peek, I promise.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24UNDERPANTS WHIP OFF
0:17:24 > 0:17:26You can turn around now.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27SHE GASPS
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Dear me! How do you keep in such good shape?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Oh, you know, swimming, squat thrusts...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35ARTHUR: Squat thrusts.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I'm getting a glass of water.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41HE CHOMPS LOUDLY
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Paul, I need to see you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- You're seeing me now.- You know what I mean.- Do I?- Stop playing games!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I'm not playing games, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- I'm talking about us! - Us? There is no us.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57What have you got to say about that then?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Michael?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I brought you lunch, as requested.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Michael?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Michael?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18< Ohhh...
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Michael?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28DOORBELL BUZZES
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That'll be the sofa.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Get away from me! You're nothing but a philandering liar.- How dare you?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39How dare you call me a philandering liar? You knew what the score was.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Don't pretend you didn't.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45No, don't go. Kiss me. Please, please kiss me!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46It's over, Samantha.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Very well, if I can't have you, no-one else will.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52GUNSHOTS
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Agh!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You fool! You stupid fool!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58HE GROANS
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Mother! What have you done?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04He's...dead.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry! I loved him! I loved him so.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So did I, Mummy. So did I.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14BOTH WEEP AND WAIL
0:19:19 > 0:19:20It'll be all right.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Let's take a break. Thank you so much, everyone.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Arthur, shall we record your lines now?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Just speak clearly into the microphone.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'm sorry?
0:19:35 > 0:19:36And the other one.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- The other one?- The other line.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Goodbye, Samantha.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Great, thanks, Arthur. That's all we need from you today.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Was that not just the rehearsal?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53No, you only appear in flashback, and we've got it now,
0:19:53 > 0:19:54so we can just drop it in.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Oh! Oh, right.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00And that's lunch! We've got a shorter than usual lunch break today
0:20:00 > 0:20:03because Dame Agnes has to be away by four.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Sorry, everyone, crisis meeting with my publisher.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Simply got to find a title for my autobiography. God!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So don't go too far.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Thanks again, Arthur.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Well done, Arthur. Fancy a spot of lunch?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, that's very generous of you. Thank you!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- There's a pub across the road. - Oh, no, I mustn't go to the pub.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29When I'm working, I'm on the wagon. Made that mistake too many times.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Oh, go on, I'll look after you. You can have an orange juice.- Hm...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36No, really, I... really, really mustn't.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
0:20:40 > 0:20:44# Yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
0:20:44 > 0:20:49# She could merengue and do the cha cha... #
0:20:49 > 0:20:52How could you? How could you?!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Now, now, now, we mustn't be too hard on him.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57He does seem to have a very low tolerance
0:20:57 > 0:21:00for large amounts of alcohol.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02HE VOMITS
0:21:02 > 0:21:05OK, Luke, come on, let's go.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Oh, no, no!- Oh!
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Come on.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15What are we going to do? Seriously, if anyone has an idea
0:21:15 > 0:21:18of how I can possibly rescue the situation, please do let me know.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27And...action.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Paul, what are you doing here?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Your mother invited me for the weekend.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Why?- Don't look so shocked, darling, it's all perfectly innocent.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47SLURRED: Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm turning into some crisps.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I'm going to my room.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Hurry, Samantha! - All right, I'm coming!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Are you going to leave your trousers on?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I guess I can slip into my trunks. I am on me holidays.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Goodness! Look at you!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11What? Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug.
0:22:11 > 0:22:17I've never been one for boxing shorts. I prefer a little bit of...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21If you know what I mean, Dame Agnes.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ohhh...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Some privacy, please. - Spoilsport!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30All right, I won't peek, I promise.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Paul, now Penelope's gone, I can ask you, what's going on?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Why are you here?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41HE BAWLS: Oh, come on, Samantha!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43We both know why I'm here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I've always been able to tell when a wom-m-m-man wants me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52You... You can turn round now.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Dear me! How do you keep in such good shape?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Oh, you know...
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Swimming, squat thrusts, getting a glass of water...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Oh, that's...! No! I'm getting a glass of water!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I need to see you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23You're seeing me now!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25You know what I mean!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Do I?- Stop playing games!
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I'm not playing games!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I-II honestly don't know what you're talking about.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I'm talking about us!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42There is no us.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45She's not right in the head!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56What were you doing down there anyway?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I was looking for a fan letter Elvis Presley wrote my dad.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Elvis Presley was a fan of your dad?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Apparently.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I thought it might help the book.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08All this because of Ronald bloody Harrison.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Every time he does something, I have to go one better.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15It just goes on and on, back and forth, like ping...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19..pong...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'll be mo...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I'll be mother.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I'm not normally like this, you know. I am usually quite capable.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It's Arthur. Arthur's done this to me.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Arthur's turned me into a baby.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39CHORAL RINGTONE
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Hello?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47My client got your client drunk? I don't have a...
0:24:48 > 0:24:49..client.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53No, don't go! Kiss me! Please!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Please kiss me!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00We've got all this to do!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05After.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11It's over, Dame Agnes. I mean, Susan! Sarah! Samantha!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Very well, if I can't have you, no-one else will.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Aaarrgh! You fool! You've shot me!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20GUNSHOT
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Mother! What have you done?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Aaaarrgh! Urrrgh! Nnnngh!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oooooeeerrrgh!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33He's...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Wuurrrrgggh! Aaaaarrrgh!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Ooooorrrgh!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Urrrgh...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Mother, what have you...?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Uuuurrgh!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Aaaauuurrgh! Uuurgh! Aaaaagh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Uuunnggghhh...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- He's... - Wuuurrrghhh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02He's dead.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry! I loved him! I loved him so...
0:26:07 > 0:26:11So did I, Mummy. So did I.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14BOTH WEEP AND WAIL
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Uuunnngh...
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Aaaaahhh... Uuunnngh...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Uuurrgh!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Bluuugggh!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Unnghh...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36CORK POPS
0:26:36 > 0:26:37ALL CHEER
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Shush! It's about to start.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- There you go, Arthur.- Oh, goodness me!- It's a double celebration.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Sinem liked the chapters I showed her.- Very good!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Oh, I forgot to say, I loved that story about the ping-pong table.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53So funny! Oh, your poor dad.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Yeah... Yeah, poor Dad.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Must have been a nightmare living with someone that competitive.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Not really. It's just who he was.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, here, I meant to ask you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Did you find that letter from Elvis Presley?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09No, Arthur. I looked and looked but no sign of it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14I guess it's just one of those that history swallowed up.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19No, not Elvis Presley. I'm always doing that. The other one...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Half A Sixpence. Tommy Steele!
0:27:28 > 0:27:33- Never mind.- It's starting! Who are you playing, Arthur?- Paul.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36You can't miss me. I'm in right from the beginning.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38'Paul! What are you doing here?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41LUKE: 'Your mother invited me for the weekend.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- 'Why?- Don't look so shocked, darling,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45'it's all perfectly innocent.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50'Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back? I'm turning into a crisp.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55- 'I'm going to my room.'- I don't understand. I thought you were...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Didn't you say you were playing Paul?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00That young fellow must have recovered.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03They must have recorded it after I left.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh, well, it's for the best, I suppose.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Don't know what I was thinking.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Can't take a young lad's job, can I?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16He's got his whole career ahead of him, not like me.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I'm yesterday's news.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22'I'll never forget his last words to me.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25ARTHUR: 'I'm sorry?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26'Goodbye, Samantha!'
0:28:26 > 0:28:28ALL CHEER
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd