0:00:17 > 0:00:19HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
0:00:19 > 0:00:20All right, Grandad?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Oh, hello. You on your holidays?
0:00:23 > 0:00:24What? No.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Well, tuck your shirt in then.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30If my mother had caught me in the street with my shirt hanging out,
0:00:30 > 0:00:31there'd have been hell to pay.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34There would have been no Sunday school for me, never mind
0:00:34 > 0:00:37waddling down the road with your trousers round your ankles.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Have a think about that.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:48 > 0:00:51SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Sorry. Love this song.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, yes. Yes, it's got a...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58It's got a lovely rhythm.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Is it a new song? - You don't know it?- No, I don't.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- I'm not... I don't really like music.- What?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- I find it more irritating than anything.- All music?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Er...yeah.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14# Only me
0:01:14 > 0:01:16# Coming through the door
0:01:16 > 0:01:17# Singing this song
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# And I'll have a number three. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- Thank you!- I couldn't live without music. You can't not like all music.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30That's like you're an alien or a...cat.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32No, I'm not a cat. No.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- I don't like string. - You don't like string?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36No, I...I do like string.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Katya, are you back on the solids then?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42This is a soup bar, Arthur.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's made from soup.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45You want to be careful, though.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48That might be one of those GM foods.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52You don't want to touch anything out of Greater Manchester.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Hey, Sinem. Have you written "fizzy slush" on the board?- No.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01We have to let the people know we have the machine.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- The kids love fizzy slush. - No, they don't. It's disgusting.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I don't even like saying the words.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10You know, I don't even like thinking about it. Fizzy slush? Ugh.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Where's the chalk? Stay away from my sister.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- What?- I said, "Where's the chalk?" - In the drawer.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Tea and two toasts, please, Bulent. - All right, John? How's tricks then?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Morning, Arthur. Morning... Sorry, what's your name again, mate?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- My name's Michael. - What are you asking him for?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Sorry?- You said...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- WITH RISING INFLECTION: - "My name's Michael."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- You're not sure of your name? - No, I am.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Well, don't say it like a question. - All right, sorry.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49WITH RISING INFLECTION: My name's Michael.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- That was worse, if anything.- You made me think about it too much now.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55My name's M...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Mi...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Michael. I've done it again.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- Here, Arthur, here's that book I was telling you about.- Oh, thanks, Eggy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Looks like a good one. - The Faux-lympics? What's that?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It's about how they faked the Olympics.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- What?- Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- To keep our minds off the recession. - What do you mean faked?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17They didn't happen.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- The whole Olympics?- Yeah.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- The ones that were in London?- Yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Then what was that on the telly?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Actors.- Actors? They were all actors? All the athletes?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29But there were thousands of them.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32That's why they're only every four years.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33The casting takes ages.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- It's all in the book.- Well, I look forward to reading that, Eggy.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I thought there was something funny going on when I was watching it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Something funny going on?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Yeah. The 400 metres, for instance.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48The man that won that was in an episode of Casualty.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Yeah, they slipped up there, didn't they?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Did anyone notice anything strange on the way here?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Yeah, I did, John.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00They've got a two-for-one offer on lamb chops at the butcher's.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- Very strange.- No, it's not that, Arthur. It's just...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- it feels like something's about to happen.- You bet it will.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Two-for-one on chops? It'll all kick off now.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14We need to get different colours for the chalk
0:04:14 > 0:04:15so "fizzy slush" jumps out.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Yeah, like a mugger.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22There is a lot of faces on the manor I don't recognise. Kids.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- What are they all doing here?- Maybe there's something wrong with them.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- What?- Maybe they've had flies on them.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Who?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32His chops.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Maybe it's a consignment of condemned meat
0:04:35 > 0:04:38from Greater Manchester.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I'm talking about the kids, Arthur.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What, the butcher's kids?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Do you think they've done something to the meat?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Maybe they've been seen coughing on it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50SHOUTING AND GLASS SMASHING
0:04:53 > 0:04:55SHOUTING GETS LOUDER
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Everyone, get into the back room! - What's the matter?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I'm not going in the back room, I'm having my tea.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- There's a mob. They're smashing things up.- I'm not shifting.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Which one's the back room?!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Come on!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10GLASS SMASHING
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Sit down in that chair, love. - Shut the door, shut the door.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17GLASS SMASHING AND BANGING ON DOOR
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Who is it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25BANGING ON DOOR
0:05:27 > 0:05:28No, thank you.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- They won't get through. Dad put that door in.- I knew it. I knew it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40The fool! The silly fool! Did he not know what would happen?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Two chops for the price of one!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That's just asking for trouble.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I don't think it's anything to do with the chops, Arthur.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Cheap meat does things to people, Michael. I know.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Are we sure this is really happening?- What?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58How do we know that there really is a riot?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Because of the riot.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02- BULENT:- Move away from the door.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- What you think you're doing? - Never mind. Just open the door.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07They're Venetian blinds.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Some of them are quite sharp. Quick, out of the way.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- You can't go out there, you idiot. - I'll be fine.- No. Please, stop him.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16No, don't do this. Don't do this. I'll tell Mum. I will tell Mum.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Bulent, I think Sinem's right. - Mind your business.- OK.- Oh, my God.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22He'll do it. He'll do it. We have to stop him. Please.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Raaargh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Get off me!- I'm doing this because I like you, Bulent.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Let go of me.- I like you, Bulent.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I'm doing this because I like you.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- You can't hold me for ever. - What do I do?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37We could use some of that.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- BULENT:- Hey, everyone, I'm OK now. I'm very, very calm.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Everything will be fine now. Sorry about earlier.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51You can let me go now.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01See? I am so calm.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- You're not angry? - No. Do I look angry?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Hm, you look a bit odd.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08That's because he's smiling.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Why are you smiling?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'm smiling because I'm calm.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22Please, my good friends, let me go. I will not do anything.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I think we'll just leave things as they are for a bit.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Until he stops smiling.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30OK, I'm not smiling. Get me out of this!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Get me out of this!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That's worse than the smiling.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Can we turn him to the wall?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38SMASHING AND CLATTERING
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Oh, you hear? You hear what they are doing?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yeah, and it could be you they're doing it to, you idiot.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Yes, you want to calm down or you'll be hyperventilating yourself.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- We'll have to put a paper bag over your head.- No, no, no. Don't, don't.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- Should I?- No. Sorry, Bulent, we'll just have to sit it out.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Well, it might be a while.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- It's kicking off everywhere, according to Twitter.- What?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03What are you on about? He's long gone.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Who?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Hitler.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Not Hitler. Twitter. Twitter. According to Twitter.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I have absolutely no idea what you are on about.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22The police are saying if you're in a safe place to stay there.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Well, I guess that's all there is to it.- Are you all right, Katya?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Why are they doing this? - It's the butcher's kids.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39They've been coughing on chops so he's doing them two-for-one
0:08:39 > 0:08:40and all this has kicked off.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Thanks for that.- Oh. No problem.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I hope it didn't seem like I was, you know...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51What?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52A... You know, a...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55..a Westerner suppressing him.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Listen, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Arthur likes having an audience.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Right?- Well, now he's got one.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15All of us. And we can't leave.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Have you ever seen Arthur perform?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Once he rented the library and did a little show, you know.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Everyone went. Well, everyone except Bulent.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Trying to be polite, you know.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Katya fell asleep so she missed the worst of it
0:09:34 > 0:09:36but we saw all of it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Listen, you two, it's about Arthur.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Yeah, I've told him.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Did you tell him about the little show?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48However bad she says it was,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50it was 100 times worse.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53We've got to keep his mind on other things, Michael.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55We mustn't let him do a little show.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59For God's sake, don't let him do a little show.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It's good stuff, this, isn't it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It's very effective.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10How much do you pay for a roll of that then?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11£2.50, wholesale.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- That's quite reasonable, isn't it? - Yes, it's not bad, actually.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19My cousin in the market... Look, just put it back on the shelf!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I thought you'd have more food than this in here.- Mind your business.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Leave my shelves alone. - I'm only thinking ahead, Bulent.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I don't know how long we'll be here, do I?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Anything you eat, you pay for. Double.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yes, but surely in the circumstances,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33you'll allow us some dinner on the house?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I mean, when I left home this morning
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I didn't know I'd be involved in a siege situation, did I?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39CRASHING
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I don't think we'll be in here too long. SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE
0:10:43 > 0:10:47These things tend to flare up and blow over pretty quickly, don't they?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, you're saying that, you know,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51but look at the wooden horse of Troy -
0:10:51 > 0:10:53that went on for months.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It was ten years, actually.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58They spent ten years waiting in a horse?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten years. Or that's how the story goes.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05There wasn't actually a big wooden horse that people hid inside.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That's a myth.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08I'm not so sure.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15You believe in a big wooden horse full of people but not the Olympics?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Ten years? I'm not stopping in here for ten years.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22What will we do with ourselves? How will we keep ourselves entertained?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- What if...?- Arthur,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- who do you fancy in the 4:15 at Chepstow?- Lucky Madam.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32She's running good, is Lucky Madam.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Let's keep talking about racing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Here. Here's the paper. Have a look and see who's running tomorrow.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41All right. Oh, it's a good line-up tomorrow, actually.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Laugh A Minute,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Great Showman,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Dancing Dandy,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Stunning Performance,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Under The Spotlight.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- What about the crossword? - The crossword.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Let's do the crossword. That'll help pass the time.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I suppose we could do the crossword. I've not seen today's.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Let's have a look.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, you've made a start on this. Six down.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08Major sporting event of 2012 beginning with O.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well, we know it's not the Olympics, don't we, Eggy?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14So we can rule that out.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Arthur, why don't you put on a little show?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23To keep our spirits up like that one you did in the library.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27What an absolutely marvellous idea!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What about the crossword, Arthur?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Bugger the crossword! This is much more important.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Singing on the Underground. We'll Meet Again.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38A bit of the old Blitz spirit. That's what's needed here.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Isn't that right, Katya?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40SHE SNORES LOUDLY
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Right, settle down.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Oh, this is going to be great.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I don't want to watch a show.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- HE LAUGHS - Oh, very funny, Bulent.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Oh, this riot has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, hasn't it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Excuse me.- Be a man, John.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59For God's sake, be a man.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Jesus Christ.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Superstar.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09The Sound Of Music.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13The Phantom Of The Opera.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Cats, Oliver, Chess.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16The King And Me.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19The Wizard Of Iz.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And, of course, who could forget the world's longest-running musical
0:13:23 > 0:13:26about a French revolution?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Les Miserablies...
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Ma...mis...mis...lisarablie... abilies.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Mislies...a...ugh...abulous.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Mrs Arbless? Blism...
0:13:40 > 0:13:45Mislis...ugh...ugh... oh...ugh...ARGH...ABLES!
0:13:48 > 0:13:54Ever since the first caveman howled at the moon and blew on a flute
0:13:54 > 0:13:57made out of someone's jawbone,
0:13:57 > 0:14:01man has always had the urge to sing,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and sing he has, right up to the present day.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'd like to do for you now some of my favourite tunes.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11THEY GROAN
0:14:11 > 0:14:14This short selection of 14 songs...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16THEY GROAN
0:14:16 > 0:14:21..is my gift to you, ending in a medley of the greatest songs
0:14:21 > 0:14:24of Sir Andrew Lord...Lloyd Webber.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Hey, do you remember? I was just about to do that bit in the library
0:14:27 > 0:14:29when the fire alarm went.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Sorry, what is this?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- He's going to do a little show to keep our spirits up.- Who is he?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42He's Count Arthur Strong. He and my dad used to do a double act.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43His dad was Max Baker.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45WITH RISING INFLECTION: I'm Michael Baker.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I've done it again!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I used to love Max Baker. Wow. This could be great.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# Like a circle in a spiral
0:15:01 > 0:15:03# Like a wheel within a wheel
0:15:03 > 0:15:05# Never ending or beginning
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# On an ever-spinning reel
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# Like a snowball down a mountain
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# Or a carnival balloon
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Like a carousel that's turning
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# Running rings around the moon
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
0:15:17 > 0:15:19# Past the minutes of its face
0:15:19 > 0:15:21# And the world is like an apple
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- # Whirling forward... - HE MUMBLES
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Like the circles that you find
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# In the windmills of your mind
0:15:29 > 0:15:31# Keys that jingle in your pocket
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# Words that jangle in your head
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Why did summer go so quick?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# Was it something that I said?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# Lovers walk along the shore
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# And leave their footprints in the sand
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Is the sound of distant drumming
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# The drumming of your hand?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# When she said that it was over
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# You were suddenly aware
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# That the autumn leaves were turning
0:15:54 > 0:15:58# To the colour of her hair!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# Like a circle in a spiral
0:16:02 > 0:16:04# Like a wheel within a wheel
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# Never ending nor beginning
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# An ever-spinning reel
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# As the images unwind
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# Like the circles that you find
0:16:14 > 0:16:20# In the windmills of your mind! #
0:16:20 > 0:16:23HE SOBS
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I'm going to go.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Take me with you, please. Please.- I don't think you should go out there.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I can still hear them milling about.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37No, I think I'd like to risk it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Thank you! Thank you!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And welcome to tonight's show.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I'll be back in a minute. I've just got to do a costume change.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48That's like his third song and he thinks he's just started.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52No, I'm sorry, I'm going to slip out. Lock the door behind me.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Goodbye. May God have mercy on your souls.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59SHOUTING AND SMASHING
0:16:59 > 0:17:01That lucky bastard.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06BIG BAND MUSIC
0:17:09 > 0:17:11OLD WEST MUSIC
0:17:16 > 0:17:18JAUNTY MUSIC
0:17:23 > 0:17:25CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC
0:17:36 > 0:17:38So, I suppose this hasn't done anything
0:17:38 > 0:17:40to change your opinion of music.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45You know, I exaggerate that to some extent.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49My dad was always trying to push me into things. Music was one of them.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Show tunes. He was always trying to get me to sing.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58So I...I developed this sort of, "I hate music," thing.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's not true. Not really.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04God, what was that song he was always trying to get me to do?
0:18:04 > 0:18:05One about...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film. What was it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Oh, I used to love it. Er...
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Oh, anyway.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Can you believe Katya's still asleep?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20You've got to envy that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23SHE GIGGLES
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- I reckon there's nobody out there, you know.- Oh, my God!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37No, it's just very convenient that we were
0:18:37 > 0:18:39talking about the Olympics and then that happened.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I can hear them out there. YOU can hear them.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It could be a recording.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It might all be faked, like the moon landings.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Oh, God, Eggy! Come on, you have to believe in some things
0:18:51 > 0:18:53otherwise you just...you go mad.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54No, no.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Last time anyone did that, I looked quite the fool.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Quite the fool.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- And my wife, she...- You're married?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07I was, yes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I thought we were happy.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14But that wasn't true.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Evening classes, she said she was doing.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24But that wasn't what she was doing.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26It wasn't that at all.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30No, no, no.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Not falling for that again.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Not falling for anything again.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47And now it's the 1960s!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh, this is a duet. You could do this with me.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- I'm not going to sing with you, Arthur.- Oh, go on.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Me and your dad used to do this one. - No.- Oh, well, suit yourself.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Ladies and gentlemen, close your eyes and imagine, if you will,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02a young Julie Andrews.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06MEDLEY OF SHOW TUNE MUSIC
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Arthur. - # La, da, da-da, da, da-da! #
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Arthur, please. Please!
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Arthur, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to stop...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37entertaining everyone.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- But I've got to do my Shakespeare yet.- What?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Yeah. When I was going to finish my musical show,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I was going to do my Shakespeare show.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49No, I'm sorry, Arthur. I think if you do Shakespeare someone might die.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55We're...we're very grateful though, you know, for...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57for keeping our spirits up.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00No, we're not! We're not grateful! You are... Hey!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Oh, bravo! Bravo!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Thank you, Katya!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06More! More!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Oh, go on then!- No!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You see? You see? They hated it!
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Just shut up!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You made a terrible situation many times worse.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And that show you put on was the worst thing I've ever seen!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Hey, listen, it's in my blood, is show business.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Well, then go and work in a box office somewhere.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Sell ice creams in the interval.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Just stay off the stage. You don't belong there!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31You bring misery to everyone who sees you perform!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Bulent!- No, no, Sinem. Let him speak his mind.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36So, which bit didn't you like then?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38All of it! All of it!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You have no talent. None. That's why his old man left you behind.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Because you have no talent!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47SHE GROANS
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Are you all right, Katya? - My pills. I have to take my pills.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- Where are they?- Out there, under my table, in the Iceland bag.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might have to wait till all this is over.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- They're for flatulence.- We're going to get you those pills, Katya.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! - Oh, God.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Where are you going? - I'm going to get Katya's pills.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No, don't you go. I'll go.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Don't let go!- Oh!- It's not a good idea, Arthur. I'll go.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No, no, no. You stay where you are, John.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's been made perfectly clear to me
0:22:21 > 0:22:25that my presence here has been at best tolerated.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- No...- No, no. I know where I stand.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I've lived my life.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Now step aside, everybody, if you will,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40and allow me to retrieve Katya's flatulence tablets.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I may be some time.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh, well done(!) Oh, very brave(!) An old man.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54You, you shouldn't have let him leave.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- You shouldn't have said those things.- You could have defended him.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00But you didn't. Because you know I'm right. You all do.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't do anything!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And you're conning him when you kid him otherwise.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07KATYA GROANS All right, all right, all right, Katya.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Let's just try and think of something else.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Just imagine we're not here, not in a store room. We're in Poland.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16We're in Krakow with...um...
0:23:16 > 0:23:17- Lech Walesa.- No, no!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Donald Sutherland.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I like Donald Sutherland.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24OK, in Krakow with Donald Sutherland
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and you are eating golonka
0:23:27 > 0:23:30and watching...MASH...the film, not the food.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Oh!- So sorry, Katya, I don't really know much about Poland.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35I've been to Sweden.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Could you sing to me?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I don't really... I'm not... I don't.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42- SINEM:- Here he is!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Look what I got. A pair of pumps and a telly.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Hey, they've still got the labels on them as well.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh, hey, and feel in my pocket.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- They're for you. - Did you get my pills?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Oh, for crying out loud.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I knew there was something. Here, hold that, you.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- I'll be back in a minute now I've remembered.- No, Arthur, don't.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- BOY:- What's in here then?- Oh, ho! Come in here, you. Look at this.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- One of the ringleaders, I'll bet. - What are you talking about?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- I'm not a ringleader of nothing, man.- I'll kill him!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Now, now, Bulent. Don't go jumping the gun.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17We haven't asked him what his demands are yet.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19What are your demands?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I haven't got any demands.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Well, you're not much of a ringmaster then, are you?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25You smashed up my cafe, my business!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I didn't smash nothing up.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- I'll smash you.- Oh, yeah?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31How are you going to do that, bruv? You're all wrapped up.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Look, I just wanted a fizzy slush, yeah?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'll pay for it. Look.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- SINEM: You like those? - No, my girlfriend loves them.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I think they're disgusting.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Aaargh!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44THEY SHOUT
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Please, don't... No... Bulent... Uh...um...
0:24:52 > 0:24:56# Moon River, wider than a mile
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# I'm crossing you in style someday
0:25:00 > 0:25:05# Oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker
0:25:05 > 0:25:09# Wherever you're going I'm going your way
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- TOGETHER:- # Two drifters Off to see the world
0:25:14 > 0:25:19# There's such a lot of world to see
0:25:19 > 0:25:25# We're after the same rainbow's end
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# Waiting round the bend
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# My huckleberry friend
0:25:30 > 0:25:38# Moon River and me! #
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You people are mental. Who are you?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I'm Michael Baker.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Now that's how you say it!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Why are you still in here, anyway? You know it's all over.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Oh, yeah, it was a very quiet when I was out there.- For God's sake.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Why didn't you tell us? We can all leave. Come on, Katya, let's go.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Have you seen the state of the place, mate?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16How long have you been here?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Just under an hour.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- JOHN:- Oh, look at this.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Hey, there really was a riot.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This story shall the good man teach his son
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And Crispin Crispian will ne'er go by
0:26:53 > 0:26:56From this day to the ending of the world
0:26:56 > 0:26:59But we in it shall be remember'd
0:27:00 > 0:27:07We few, we happy few We band of brothers
0:27:07 > 0:27:11For he today that sheds his blood with me
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Shall be my brother Be he ne'er so vile
0:27:14 > 0:27:17This day shall gentle his condition
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And gentlemen in England now a-bed
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Will think themselves accursed they were not here
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
0:27:27 > 0:27:31That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35In the windmills of your mind!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- BULENT:- Oh, look at this! Look at this!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Hey! The fizzy slush machine's OK!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- KATYA:- My pills!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd