0:00:16 > 0:00:19And so it is that we say goodbye
0:00:19 > 0:00:23to a woman of great poise and dignity.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Katya...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Seritska.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Ha! Got it that time.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33May she rest...in peace.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY
0:00:41 > 0:00:43MACHINE JARS LOUDLY
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Sorry, this keeps happening.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Erm... Let me have a look at it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Someone said it might be the belt.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I tell you what's happened 'ere.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56You got a gearing problem.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Your gearing's going to need replacing.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Ooh, sounds expensive.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Hold on a second.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05MACHINE BUZZES
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Probably noisy in the short-term, should be all right in a moment.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Great, thanks, you're a life-saver.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Apologies, everyone.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Mate?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Not there.- Sorry?
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Someone's sitting there.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Who? There's no-one in the...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Eh, someone's sitting there, didn't you tell him?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- I did, yeah. - No, you can't sit there.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37You have to sit there or there.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39All right, all right.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- What's he doing I...?- I AM MOVING!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Eggy, John, how's tricks? - Oh, you know, surviving.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Wow, hello, stranger. Where have you been?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, not been anywhere, actually, I'm going somewhere.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I've not been around because... Well, it's boring.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Where's Arthur?- We've not seen him.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Has he not been in yet?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- That's weird. - Not been in for days, Michael.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Seriously, where have you been?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Oh, I've just been having a series of angry meetings with my publisher.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13The book I handed in is not the book they want, apparently.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Now they're threatening to put this awful cover on it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- For days?- Not since Katya's funeral.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Oh, that's not so bad.- What?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's awful. It doesn't represent the book at all.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28They might as well have called it "Ghostbusters III".
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Eggy, have you seen Arthur?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I've been past his house but the curtains were drawn.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Do you think he's been kidnapped?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39No, no-one would kidnap Arthur, that would mean spending time with him.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43God, look at this place.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's like somebody's died. I can't believe I've just said that.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- This is what it's been like. - Not just Katya dying...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52it's Arthur not 'ere.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's not the same, Michael, it's not the same at all.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Everybody! What a beautiful day to be alive!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02You're new - good beard.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08SINEM HUMS TO HIMSELF
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Eh, where are you going?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I'm going to get Arthur, that's not right, what just happened. That...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16That's not right at all.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Wait for me.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23DOORBELL BUZZES
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Arthur? Arthur, it's Michael and John.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- And Eggy.- And Eggy, it's Michael, John and Eggy.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Still can't hear anything. JOHN:- Let me have a look.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It's very dark in there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You're wearing sunglasses.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Arthur? Arthur, you there?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't like this.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He's not down the cafe, he's not answering his door.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I don't like this at all.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Right, that's it, there's something not right here -
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I'm going to call an ambulance.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yes, ambulance, please, and possibly police.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Yes, hello, there's a man in his 70s, he's not opening his door.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- We think he might have fallen or something.- Kidnapped!- Ssh.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Sorry, can you repeat that?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The address? Yes, what's the address here?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09- ARTHUR:- 54 Rosea Street.
0:04:11 > 0:04:1454 Rosea Street. Better hurry, please, it's an emergency.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16All right, I think they're on their way.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18There's an old man in my house!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Oh, what!?- Is he in here?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Woo!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26There's nothing there. You two check the kitchen and I'll go upstairs.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Righto, Arthur, what are we looking for?- There's a man in the house!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Is there?- No, Arthur...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Oh, yes, hello, panic solved. ARTHUR SCREAMS
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- He's just been up the shops. - You're pathetic!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I'm not speaking to the same person, am I? Ambulance, please.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And possibly police, but only to cancel.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41- Has anyone looked in 'ere? - There's no man.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Ambulance? Yes, I'd like to cancel one, please.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45ARTHUR SHOUTS No, not order another one.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Sorry, is this the right number to cancel them?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Who's up 'ere?!- An ambulance and possibly some policemen.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51You're in big trouble now!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No, no, I don't want to order another one,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54I just want to cancel the first lot.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- The address? Yes, hang on a minute. Arthur?- He's not up there.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Any luck, John?- Not at all, there's no-one in the garden.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01I'll check upstairs.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Arthur, what's the address?- 54 Rosea Street and tell them to hurry.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07No, ignore him, I'm definitely cancelling.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- He might still be in the area! - THERE'S NO MAN!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Yes, cancelling the ambulance.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- We don't want an ambulance, send police!- Don't send police!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'm cancelling the police. But I don't know if I ordered the police,
0:05:17 > 0:05:18so I don't know if I have to cancel.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Just cancel everybody who's coming to 54 Rosea Street.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- There's no-one in there. - OH, MY GOD!!!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24No, I'm fine, I'm just screaming at the man.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Don't send an ambulance, PLEASE don't send an ambulance.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- JOHN:- Is anyone there?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Very nice to have you in the cafe. Thank you, come again.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Hey, we miss you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Good luck with the beard.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Oh!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- What's up with you? - I hate this! How does he do this?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- What?- All this goddamn, stinking positivity goes right up my arse!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- Is this how he feels?- Who? - Idiot Man - Arthur.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Hold on, what are you talking about? - Sinem, I can't be Arthur.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- Why do you need to be Arthur? - Look at the place, it's dead.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's been like this for days because HE is not here.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03No, no, no, no, he has to come back -
0:06:03 > 0:06:06it's the only way I can be me again - to be rude.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09To get annoyed at people. It's who I am, it's what I do.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12You want to be rude to me for a few minutes?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- SHUT UP! Stupid idea! - (SOFTER)- Thank you very much.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Much better.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20We were worried about you, Arthur.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22We thought you'd been kidnapped.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Or fallen. We thought you'd fallen.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- What are you on about?- Well, you haven't been down the cafe.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Right, I think I've cancelled them.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Well, I don't have to be in the cafe every day, do I?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I do have other things to do. And what if I had fallen?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I'd have just got up, wouldn't I?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- I'm not an invalid.- Sorry, Arthur, we were just worried about you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yes, well, there's nothing to worry about.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I'm fine, leave me alone.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Oh, 'ere, you dropped this.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Oh, thank you. You know, Arthur, this isn't going to be the...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Oh, come on, anyway - out, out, out! Go on, I've got things to do.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Go on, off you go. - All right, all right.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03SIRENS BLARE
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Oh, you're kidding me!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12So, how long are you going away for?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, forever, I'm ... I'm going back home.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Back to York.- You don't...?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You don't live in London?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25No. Oh, no, no, I'm just here for Arthur and to write the book.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And now it's done, there's no reason for me to stay.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I don't feel like I can leave Arthur in this state though.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I think Katya's death affected him more than he's letting on.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- And that funeral... - Yes, that was awful.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Wasn't what you call a proper send-off, was it?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47No, I'm definitely going to stay until I know Arthur's all right.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51And...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- ..that's the only reason?- What?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58That's the only reason you're here?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Oh, erm...
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Yeah, that's about it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21All right, Arthur?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Arthur!- Arthur, you're back.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Hey, Arthur! Number three with eggs?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27That's a number four.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34No, I shouldn't have come back, she's still 'ere.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- What?- Katya, she's still here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39And she's not happy.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42She was my biggest fan, Michael.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46She was my only fan. I can't bear the thought of her not being happy.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50What can we do, Arthur? There's nothing we can do.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53There's one thing we can do.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58SINISTER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:09:10 > 0:09:12MUSIC STOPS
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Hello, Sheila?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, that's great news.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Oh, super.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19All right, speak later. OK, bye.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Nice to see the turban back.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You what?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Remember when we first met, you wore that turban for your Memory Man act.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Memory Man act?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Just forget it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh, yes, yes. Oh, this is for sale, this is.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Yeah, this isn't me Memory Man turban.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Yes, it is.- No, it isn't.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41This is me Memory Man turb...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Oh, no, that's me round-the-house one.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48This is me Memory Man turban.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52I think I would know which turban I'm wearing, thank you very much.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Right, shall we get started then?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I'm missing One Born Every Minute.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I didn't know you did all this stuff, Arthur.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Oh, yes, my mother was a medium.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You always told me she was a big woman.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I don't mean her dress size!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09She was big-boned, yes - she was an extra large.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Now, will you shut up and let me do this?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15My mother was an extra-large medium.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20When I was a small boy, she would put me into a trance,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22and I would speak in tongues,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and all the wisdom of the Ancients would flow through me.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30So deep was this trance-like state that the only thing
0:10:30 > 0:10:34that would bring me out of it was being bit by the parrot.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Parrot?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39We had a parrot.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40What was he called?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43His name was Captain Cheeky.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Are you going to take this seriously, or not?- I'm sorry.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49HE CLEARS THROAT
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I'm taking it seriously, Arthur.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I take it very seriously.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56My sister...lived in
0:10:56 > 0:11:00one of those old Victorian houses in Stoke Newington.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04One night, she was woken by the sound of scratching.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06She sat up, and there,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09at the dressing table at the end of her bed,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12was an old woman brushing her hair.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Then, the woman turned around and there,
0:11:15 > 0:11:20where her eyes should have been, there were two dark holes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23She pointed at my sister,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and said, "You have my eyes."
0:11:35 > 0:11:37DOOR BUZZES LOUDLY
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, that'll be Bulent.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- Oh.- Bulent, lovely(!)
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, that's given me a right turn, that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'm imposing a rule - no scary stories at the seance.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Oh, Bulent, please, it's for Katya.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- 20 minutes, then I'm going. - Good for you, Bulent.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And if I see anything I don't like, I'm off, so is my sister.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, shut up, you're not Dad.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Worry not, Bulent...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06while no-one could describe what we are doing here tonight
0:12:06 > 0:12:08as conventional...
0:12:08 > 0:12:13I can assure you, it is done with the utmost seriousness and gravity.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19Now, someone pour the drinks while I get the Haunted Blackboard.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Oh, Polish vodka, how appropriate.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Is that all right for everyone? ALL:- Yes, thank you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- One for the road?- Ha, yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Looks like we're going to probably need it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Bottoms up.- Oh, yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oof, bottoms.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Ah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48All right...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I shall now draw a protective pentangle.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55This pentangle will be our last line of defence
0:12:55 > 0:13:00should any evil spirits attempt to invade our mortal realm.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- I'm definitely going to miss it now. - It'll be repeated.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It's not the same when you can't tweet about it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Oh, look, we'll forget doing the protective pentangle,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24it's not that important.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- What?- What?- No protection?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28He said it was "for protection".
0:13:28 > 0:13:29He said it was "crucial".
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Arthur, can I put the telly on?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33No, you can't put the telly on - we're doing a seance.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Look, don't we need it for protection?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38God knows what this idiot will do in the spirit world.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Look, I got it wrong, we don't need a protective pentangle now.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43No, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I'll turn the sound down.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No, it'll interfere with the radio waves, John.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Besides, you can't watch One Born Every Minute with the sound down -
0:13:52 > 0:13:54the screaming and breathing's the best bit.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58There.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- What's that?- It's a rectangle.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Not a rectangle. I could draw a bloody rectangle.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10What use is a rectangle?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14You can't see off the forces of darkness with a bloody rectangle.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, sit down.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Right, everybody...
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I want you to put your hands on the table to form a circle.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Once formed, under no circumstances must the circle be broken.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Whatever happens, do not break the circle - I implore you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35If you do, the repercussions will be dire indeed.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Close your eyes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oooh.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Ooooh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Is there anybody...? John!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Sorry, Arthur.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58We've only got a rectangle for protection
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and you've broken the bloody circle.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It's a repeat anyway.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Oh, is it the one with the woman from Leeds?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, this one's brilliant.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14ARTHUR SOBS
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It was a good one, that, wasn't it?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Right, I need a drink, anybody else? - Yes, please.- Yes.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The programme was extremely unpleasant.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I tell you something, this seance is a right shambles.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31There's nothing for it.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36We're going to have to resort to more extreme measures.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42The Spirit Board.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Oh, I don't know about this, Arthur.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Wasn't that how The Exorcist started?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49No, they probably used the cheap one.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That's top of the range is that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54How's this?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It's just another rectangle.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Anyway, wipe all that off, we'll need that for the spirit messages.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Right...
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Come on, everybody, let's communicate with the spirit world
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and see what messages and wisdom they have to impart.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Where did you get these glasses from?- Eh...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Oh... Eh, Woolworths, I think.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Yesterday. Anyway, come on, wisdom of the spirits.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32"I smell bricks."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34"I smell bricks."
0:16:34 > 0:16:38It doesn't say, "I smell bricks", it says, "I smell good".
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Uh, come on - think, people, think.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44What does "I smell bricks" mean? Oh, maybe it's Polish.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Someone look up "I smell bricks" in an English-to-Polish Pictionary.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's English!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52How can it be Polish? English can't be Polish!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I like it, I like it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Now you're thinking with your brains.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I want to do the thing where you touch fingers again.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59That's a good idea.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02We'll contact Katya one last time.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05See if she can shed some light on this confusion,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07about why she smelt bricks.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Ooh, don't they sometimes do seances with the lights off?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14That's it, that's where we've been going wrong.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Brilliant. Eggy, do the lights.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I permit you to leave the circle.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Ooh.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Ooooh.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oooooh.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Ooh, Katya, give us a sign that you are here.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- GLASS TINKLES, CHAIR SQUEAKS - Give us a sign.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Ooh, oooh! It's happening!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It's happening!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41GLASS TINKLES, CHAIR SQUEAKS
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Put the lights on, Eggy - quick!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45What happened? What happened?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Did anyone come th...?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Look at those two.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Oh, my God, what just happened?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Oh, my God, what a... - Um, oh, that's so weird.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- A mystery.- And something brushed me and...- Me too.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Ah... That's uncanny. - I know, it's uncanny.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Arthur, that's not the way you do it. - Ssh, ssh, everybody.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Woooh!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Woooh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Arthur, you're not a good medium.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- You're not bad, but you're not great.- You're "medium"!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Ah-choo!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Katya, what is it you want?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What is it you want?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Is it me to do a song?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Knock once for yes...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50MULTIPLE KNOCKS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52What does that mean?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, she wants me to do a medley!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Oh, no, it'll be the pizza.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Wahey! Pizza!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02SLURRED: Aw, you know, your sister's brilliant, Bulent.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05This situation was calling out for pizza, and only she had...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09had the... What's the word, Arthur?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- The gumption.- The gumption.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13She had the gumption to order it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Why aren't you drunk, Bulent?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Because I am not a nine-year-old girl.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Oooh!
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Pizza!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25ALL: Wahey!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Oh.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Oh, I feel bad though. - Oh, don't feel bad.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I hate it when you feel bad, you should never feel bad.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Why do you feel bad?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Well, here we all are eating pizza...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42..and Katya couldn't eat pizza.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46That's right, she could never handle the solids.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I'm going to do this.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- What?- I'm going to "liquidirise" the pizza for Katya.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Not "liquidirise" - "liquid-di-iase".
0:19:58 > 0:20:03I'm away to "liquid-di-iase" pizza for Katya.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- That is an absolutely brilliant idea. - Take the crust off it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Do the toppings.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Excuse me, excuse me, I think
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I would know how to "liquid-i-brows" a pizza.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17There we are.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LIQUIDISER WHIRRS
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's it. There you go, Katya.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Come have some pizza.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- To Katya!- ALL: To Katya.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32AUDIENCE: Eurgh!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Ooh, it's not a bad drop of pizza, that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Katya...
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- and her soups.- Tomato soup!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I didn't even know you served tomato soup.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47We don't, it was her own.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49We used to heat it up for her.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51That's very generous of you.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I liked Katya, she was a strong woman.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56She was the only one who liked my little shows.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59As I said, "She was a strong woman."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Here, you know,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04she always fell asleep on the way home from the cafe on the bus.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I used to have to go and collect her. Do you remember, Eggy?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Different stop every time.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Once, she told me, she didn't really fall asleep at all -
0:21:12 > 0:21:14she just wanted to spend some extra time with me...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- ALL: Aww. - ..listening to me going on.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20She was my biggest fan.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And now she's gone.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Oh, there'll be more fans, Arthur, you're just getting started.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Thank you, Michael, I think we both know the truth.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Your dad, he was the real thing.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34He entertained millions, he did.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I'm just a footnote, if that.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Oh, Arthur, that's not true.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You'll see, that's... That's not true.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That's a really nice thing about you, Michael -
0:21:43 > 0:21:46you can't tell a lie to save your life.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Arthur, I'm not...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- What is that?- What?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52That!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That's Katya's leg.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02They couldn't cremate it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Something about it not being green.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07But it is green.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Well, it's a bit green.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15- Arthur, you can't hang on to something like that.- Arthur...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16What's up with you all?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Well, it's just that...
0:22:18 > 0:22:20she was attached to that leg.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31That's why she can't go, Arthur.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Because you're not letting her go.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- He's right. - Arthur, you have to let her go.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You can't hold on to her like that.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43But I never said goodbye to her, Michael.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46None of us did.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Not properly.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Well... Well, let's do something about that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- "Woolworths"?- Yes, Woolworths.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Stop going on about it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15ARTHUR CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I think it's left to me...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23to say a few words.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28HE GROANS
0:23:30 > 0:23:31HE SIGHS
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oh, dear.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Arthur, do you mind if I say something?- No, nope.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Eh...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Well, obviously, I didn't know Katya as well as you all did.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47In fact, I don't know YOU as well as Katya did.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So, I feel a bit of an intruder.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- ALL:- No, no, no.- Thank you.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56One thing I have found, in the short time of being here...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58getting to know you all.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Well...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02All I can say is...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07..I know why Katya found it hard to leave.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Safe travels, Katya.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- ALL:- Safe travels, Katya.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Ooh, sorry, Arthur.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23That's all right, they're from the cafe.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Bye, Arthur. - Bye, everyone, see you tomorrow.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Not me, John, I'm off home.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Oh, yeah?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Well, it's nice knowing you, mate.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Bye then, Michael.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I'll show you to the door.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Sinem, shall we go?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Well...
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Well...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Good luck, Arthur.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Good luck to you.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I look forward to the book.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54He was a funny man, your dad.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The world could use a book about him.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Yeah. Yeah.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Thanks for everything, Arthur.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29HE SIGHS
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Goodbye, Katya.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Oh, excuse me...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Nothing.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Good evening, Bolent.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15One of your all-day breakfasts, please.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me tonight.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans.- That's...
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Oh, forget it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28All right, princess?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Here you go.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41What's that?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Michael left it.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Eh!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08He's only...
0:28:08 > 0:28:10He's only gone and...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- JOHN:- Who do you fancy at Kempton on Saturday, Arthur?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Arthur?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd