0:00:14 > 0:00:17Free breakfasts all week. Please accept my apologies.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18It won't happen again.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21You!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27What did I say about fortune telling in the cafe!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30How was I to know she was going to be this unlucky?!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I've never seen the hanging man,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35the burning tower AND the devil come out at once.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I-I hope someone's walking her home!
0:00:38 > 0:00:39This is your final warning.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41One more time and you are barred from the cafe!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44All right, all right, I'm putting it away.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I'll just see what she had next.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Ooh!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Right. Right. Right. Yes. All right. Yes, OK. Right.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56This is what you have to do.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Hello!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Oh, sorry, yes, hello. Sorry, that was very rude of me. How are you?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Well...- This is what you have to do.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I'm going to ask you something and you have to say no.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And if anybody asks you if I asked you, you have to say yes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Have you got that?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14So, say no when you ask me the first thing,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18and then say yes if anyone ever asks me if you asked me the first thing.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Exactly.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25But presumably, you don't want me to say you asked me to say no
0:01:25 > 0:01:28to the first thing when I'm saying yes to the second thing.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Yes, yes! That's right!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35So, to recap, say no to the first thing
0:01:35 > 0:01:38but then say yes to the second thing,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41should anyone ever ask me the second thing.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, that's very straightforward. I can't see that being a problem.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Great! OK. OK, great.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Well, this is what I'm going to ask you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52"Do you want to meet my new agent Philippa and her wife?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I'd be delighted!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58You were supposed to say no!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I don't want to say no.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03We had an agreement! You sounded like you understood it!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yes, but I didn't know what I was agreeing to when I sounded like I understood it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Listen, Arthur,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11they asked me to ask you, but I just don't want you to meet them yet.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Oh!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Hello. Are you stressing?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Yes, yes, I am, I really am.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Michael, we don't have to go.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22What? Oh, no, not about the party. Although that is also stressful.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24These posh publishing dos.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I just end up in a corner on my own watching people dance.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yes, but now you're with me.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oh, yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Not in the cafe!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Now, everyone else can watch us dance.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Oh, God.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Why don't you want me to meet them?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's complicated.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I was in your big book, wasn't I?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52They probably saw me photo.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55They'll have a natural female curiosity about me.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58That's the kind of thing, what you just said there.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That's exactly why you can't meet them.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Arthur, Phillipa is negotiating a new deal for me and I just...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I don't want her to be distracted.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09So, let's try it again, shall we?
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Do you want to meet my new agent Phillipa and her wife?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Arthur, Phillipa. Phillipa, Arthur.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh, I've been dying to meet you! I'm such a fan!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You saw my photo, and your natural instincts kicked in.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I quite understand.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It's not the first time a woman has gone giddy at the thought of me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I'll just see what's keeping Monica.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Will you stop talking about instincts and giddy women?!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Stop telling me what to talk about and what not to talk about!
0:03:40 > 0:03:41You've been doing it all day.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I have to, otherwise you talk about terrible things!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45That's so unfair.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You told my last agent she had a drinking problem!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49That was a compliment!
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Arthur! Please. OK? Just, please.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, you don't have to worry about me.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59You won't hear another word out of me!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I'm sorry, she's up the walls because she's lost her Imperial Topaz.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh. Oh... Oh, no?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08It's a crystal.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Oh, before I forget! Chapters 18-20.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Great timing!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I can use this to start a whole new round of negotiations.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Oh! I like the sound of that! You go, girl!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Monica, at last. This is Michael, a very fine writer.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29- Hi!- Hi.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And this is Arthur. Oh, you'll like this, baby.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Arthur is a bit of a spiritualist. It's in the book, isn't it, Michael?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Er, that's right. - Oh, very interesting.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But he doesn't like to talk about it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, I can't find it anywhere.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh, gosh, you're still unpacking. You must be exhausted.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51There's also the problem of someone keeping me up all night.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53It's this house!
0:04:53 > 0:04:58It's beautiful, but... sometimes I feel...I don't know...
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Strange vibrations, noises at night.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06It's the pipes! We can't go moving again, Monica.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The last time we were on a negative ley line or something!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Just don't go moving again. Not back to Paris or something.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Just stay here and keep being my agent.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20You're not much of a talker, are you?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Why aren't you talking?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Are you...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Are you sensing something?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You're sensing something, aren't you? What is it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46It's this house, isn't it? There's something about this house?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Well, we'd really better be going....
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What is it? Can't you tell me?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Is there something wrong with this house?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It's a lovely house. Isn't it, Arthur? It's a really lovely house.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57What is it? Tell me!
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Do you sense a presence? Tell me!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Tell me what's wrong!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You told me to be quiet!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I said be quiet, not mysterious!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You were being mysterious!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You were being deliberately mysterious!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24They've just moved house, and now she wants to move again.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26All because of you, you bloody Uri Geller.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Give me the photo!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'm sorry, Bulent, it's my property.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34She won't give me the photo she took of me on New Year's Eve!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Have you still got that one, Birdie?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I do, Eggy, and I'm not giving it to anyone!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39It's mine!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43That's what I get for allowing you weirdos to have a party in the cafe!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46You get me drunk, and then you let her do terrible things
0:06:46 > 0:06:47to me while I'm asleep!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Oh, Bulent, she did it to all of us.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Don't blame me because you lot are a bunch of grandad drink drunks.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Grandad drink drunks?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17They have no tolerance for grandad drinks.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Cream sherry, Drambuie, Tia Maria.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22A couple of glasses of them and they're all under the table.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And you're the worst for it, Arthur,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26the way you knocked back the Liebfraumilch.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I thought it was just milk.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I'm sorry, Bulent, you're not getting it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It's going in the scrapbook with the all the others.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41How was I to know she was so sensitive to the beyond?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Just...forget it. You know what you have to say when they get here, don't you?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Don't worry, don't worry, I'll take care of it.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Just tell her there is nothing wrong with her house!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51All right!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Deep sigh!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I'm sorry. It's just I haven't been sleeping very well.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Probably a bit too excited about the dancing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Er, yeah, listen.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I just want to give you an out for tomorrow night.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- What?- You haven't smiled once since you heard about the party,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10so this is your out. We don't have to go.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12But you got a new dress.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I haven't worn it. I can take it back.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17No. No, of course, we're going. We have to go.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I want to go.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Good.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I really want to see that smile back on your face, Michael.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Hi! Hi, gang! Arthur...
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Oh, ha, ha, oh...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Monica, perhaps I could have a word?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Right, let's lay this ghost to rest about your house being haunted.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52But I thought you... Didn't you sense something?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55While I do have experience
0:08:55 > 0:08:58in the world of extra-sensory contraception,
0:08:58 > 0:09:05I detected no such activity occurring within your private area.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08But the noises...
0:09:08 > 0:09:14Believe me, my lady, there's sure to be a rational explanation.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17My Auntie Doreen thought she saw a leprechaun,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21but it was just a pair of underpants near a swing.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I don't know...
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Mark my words, Monica, I know whereof I speak.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33This is a very serious matter and there's no more qualified man than I when discussing spooky shenanigans.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I'm exhausted, Michael. It's like sleeping next to Lee Evans.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46So how are the negotiations going?
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Oh, yes, well, the number I think we can achieve is...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Maybe I should write it down.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You could get this for one book? You could really get this for one book?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I think I could get it bigger.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Bigger? Is there bigger?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14This seems like the biggest.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Oh, you look happy.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Yes, I'm massively relieved. Everything's going to be OK.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Good. Thank God for that. A good night's sleep, at last.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I'll let you know how that meeting goes, Michael.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Great!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, Arthur!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Oh, Michael!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35What? What is it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, dear.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41What? She seemed fine. What did you do?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Promise me you won't be angry with me.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What did you do?!
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I've agreed to perform an exorcism at her house.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50What?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I didn't mean to, Michael.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55An exorcism!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I was trying to reassure her and she talked me round!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You were supposed to be telling her there was nothing wrong!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04But she made a very strong case. Things go missing!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06The strange noises!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08They've just moved house! They haven't settled yet!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And she still can't find her Imperial Topaz!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Who cares about her Imperial Topaz!?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15RINGING
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Oh, God, it's Phillipa. What am I going to say?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, just buy me some time! Say I've popped out!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Popped out. Got it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Hello? Hello, Phillipa, I'm afraid Michael can't come to the phone.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31His fly fell open and he's adjusting himself.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Just give me the phone!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Hello, Phillipa. Yes!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Yes, I'm sorry, he just told me.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40What, tomorrow?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Er, tomorrow's not so...
0:11:44 > 0:11:48No, tomorrow's fine. He'll be there.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Bye.- But, Michael...
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Shut up. You're going to have to be The Monster Mist.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55The Monster Mist?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57When I was a little boy,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00my mum used to spray something under the bed to get rid of monsters.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02She called it Monster Mist.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I found out later it was just air freshener,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05but it did the job.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07So I get a can of air freshener?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Well, no, no.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You go to her house, you do a little show,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15and then you tell her that whatever's been going on is over.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Oh, but Michael, I'm not very good with these sort of things.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19What? You do seances.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Yeah, but that's different.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24That's-that's asking friendly spirits to come and visit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27This is telling angry spirits to sod off.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30If the presence is a malignant one...
0:12:30 > 0:12:31There is no presence.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34It's all in her head, and you put it there.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The only malignant presence in that house was you!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh, yes, of course.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I've got to get a hold of meself.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Don't worry, Michael. I'll be your Monster Mist.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46But I've got to have Eggy and John.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Why?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Because I'm still a little bit scared.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Monster Mist?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Yes, all we have to do is go to the house, put on a little show,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01and then tell her it's over.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I'm not sure I want to go to a haunted house, Arthur.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Oh, Eggy! Michael assured me there were no ghosts.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Although there might be. I'm still a bit confused about that.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13But anyway, come on,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16what else do people use on this kind of operation?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Some kind of ghost-hunting equipment.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Tape recorder?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Ooh. Write that down, Eggy.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Tape recorder. Ooh, digital infra-red motion detector device.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Brilliant! I'll swing by Maplins. We'll also need some garlic...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Are you worried there'll be vampires?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35but we should at least cover ourselves.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38We should probably bring some stakes, then.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, yeah, that'll go with the garlic. What else?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44A hammer?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Ooh, get the steak nice and tender.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So that's...steak, chips and peas.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Again?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Steak, chips and peas!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02What's it got to do with him?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What is it we're doing again?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11The list for the haunted house.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, yes! That reminds me!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15We could film all this, you know, and if there is anything
0:14:15 > 0:14:18going on, we could sell it to Most Haunted.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22You know, with Derek Acorah and that hungry-looking woman off Blue Peter.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25We'll need someone else to do the filming.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Birdie, can you be a camera woman for us at a haunted house?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29No problem.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Great! We're sorted.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Arthur, I've been thinking, maybe I should join you tonight?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Oh, no, no, no, no, believe me, it's better if you're not there.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50An exorcism can be a terrifying ordeal for the simple-minded.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I can't believe I'm here again.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58One foot in the real world, one in the spectral realm,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02and me, in between, dangling in the nether regions.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's the stuff of which nightmares are made, Michael!
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Except it isn't, though, remember? You do remember, don't you?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15There is nothing unusual happening. It's just boring everyday life.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Thanks, Bulent.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58SPOOKY MUSIC
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Michael said you'd be in and out!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Oh, it's a little bit more complicated than that.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Bit more talkative today, I see.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I talk when it is necessary. Please leave.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes, yes, we'll go to...a film?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36So, when do you think you'll be finished?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, this is a very extreme case.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I've never felt such evil.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44So, half ten?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Quarter to 11?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Let's make it quarter to 11 to be on the safe side.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'll just go and phone a taxi.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Now, if you'll excuse me.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I have an appointment with that which should not be.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Yes, yes, of course.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, make yourself at home and-and good luck.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I have no need of luck.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I am brilliant with things like what this is.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, he shouldn't be doing that. He's only supposed to be in and out.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23They've set up all sorts of equipment. I'm just a bit nervous.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I'll sort it out, Phillipa, don't worry.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Excuse me?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Sorry, we're going to have to change route.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34OWL HOOTS
0:17:34 > 0:17:35BEEPING
0:17:37 > 0:17:38KNOCKING
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Ooo, ooh! Did anyone else hear that?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Sorry?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Did you hear it? You're on the thing for hearing things!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Hang on a minute, Arthur.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Sorry?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I heard it, Arthur. It sounded like a rustling noise.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56That's your crisps.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02It felt like the kind of sonic disturbance that often occurs
0:18:02 > 0:18:05when the ethereal realm rubs up against the real world.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Open the door!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Oh, it's just Michael at the door. Get him, John.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Watch out for the tripwire.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14What's happening now?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, Brian's here.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Brian?- You know, the whiny lad.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Oh, Michael.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Watch out for the tripwire.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Tripwire? Why are there tripwires?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28We've put ghost bells on tripwires.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Ghost bells?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32There are no... You haven't done that to the whole house, have you?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34What's with the candles?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36We're just trying to get the mood right.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Have you been raiding their stuff? These are all relaxation candles!
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Relaxation candles? That must be why Eggy keeps falling asleep.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Arthur!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I'm sorry, Michael, but we've had to pull all the stops out.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54This place has the worst case of ectoplasmic excretions I have ever seen.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58The house isn't... They just want reassurances about their new home.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Don't be talking about excretions!
0:19:02 > 0:19:03What...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh, God, what is this?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09What?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12This!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Michael, surely you've known me long enough that I've told you
0:19:17 > 0:19:22about my rare collection of frightening ventriloquist dummies?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23What are they doing here?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Do you know how valuable these are?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I'm not leaving them at home for the night.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30So you've brought eight ventriloquists dummies...
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Seven.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Oh, sorry, John.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37You've brought seven ventriloquists dummies to a haunted house.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Isn't that just asking for trouble?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I thought you said it isn't haunted.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41It isn't!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44They're not doing any harm, are they?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46They're just sat there minding their own business.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Anyway, why don't you get off dancing and leave the dark arts to them as knows?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No, no, no, no, no. I'm not leaving you here.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I knew all this was a bad idea.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Who are you phoning?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Sinem. I'm going to have to cancel.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59What is up with you?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00What?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You've got a beautiful girl waiting for you to spin her around
0:20:03 > 0:20:05the dancefloor and you'd rather be here
0:20:05 > 0:20:08at a potentially dangerous exorcism.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Have you ever been to an exorcism, Michael?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Heads spin round, books hit priests in the face.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16And the language gets dog rough.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Blue language. And I'll put money on-on...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22at least one of us crawling across the ceiling like a spider.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27That is exactly why I'm staying here. Arthur, this is important.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Phillipa is the best agent I've ever had.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Excuses. You're scared about something.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34And whatever it is,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36you're letting it get between you and that lovely girl.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39The only thing I'm scared of is...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41is you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Get rid of the wires!
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Don't worry, Michael, we'll do it some other time. OK, bye.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Ooof. Those candles...I don't know how you can bear it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08It smells like an opium den in here.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oooh!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Put that away!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You're not to be playing with Ouija boards!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Just... When they come back, you tell them, "it's over".
0:21:17 > 0:21:19That's all you have to do.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Gosh, I can barely keep my eyes open.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27It's not as much fun with him being here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29How are we going to do the Most Haunted filming?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I was looking forward to that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35We just have to bide our time. Look, he's falling asleep.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yes. Yes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42We just have to wait.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46THEY ALL LAUGH
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Action.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53One of the reasons I know this horse to be haunted...hunted...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56this house to be hunted...
0:21:56 > 0:22:02is...um, the horse to be hunted.... haunted...hunted...haunted...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04hunted... I've got it now.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09One of the reasons I know this is a haunted horse is when we arrived
0:22:09 > 0:22:14here this evening this dog was on the other side of this painting,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and that lady was indoors.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Now, you explain that to me.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I have to say this is the worst mystical phenonomomen
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I've experienced since I was chased by two devil dogs
0:22:28 > 0:22:29after a night of heavy drinking.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Ooh, listen!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I think I heard it.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Open it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46No, don't.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47No, do.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I-I'll do it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51No, you do it. No, I'll do it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53No, no, will you...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54get a hold of yourself?!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57All right, all right. I'm OK now.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01John, you do it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Wait, let me get a clean shot.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09DOOR CREAKS
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Eh! Eh! I'm in here!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14That wasn't a ghost - it was Eggy!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17What are you doing in the toilet with the light off?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I can't go with the light on.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Oh, oh, makes sense.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It was still a bit scary, wasn't it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Did you get all that, Birdie?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Beautiful.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Look at him! He's still flat out!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Ah. Having a lovely dream.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40# I give you all a boy could give you
0:23:40 > 0:23:45# Take my tears and that's not nearly all... #
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Do you want to dance?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47OK.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54# Now I know I've got to run away... #
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Nice moves, Baker!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05# To make things right
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# You need someone to hold you tight... #
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Nice moves, Baker!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20BARKING
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, Birdie, you didn't get any of it!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I didn't film it, no. I saw it, though.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I can remember it, if that becomes important.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh, they'll go for that on Most Haunted, won't they?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You remembering what happened!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38There, another one for the book!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Right, I'm off.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Bye, lads!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Are you not staying till the end, Birdie?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46No, God, no, I'm incredibly bored. Good night again!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Ahhhhh!- Ahhhhh!
0:25:12 > 0:25:13What are you bloody playing at?!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What are you playing at?!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18A joke's a joke, Michael, but you could have given me a heart attack!
0:25:18 > 0:25:24For God's sake, Arthur, there is nothing unusual happening here!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26You-you-you-you've gone mad!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Arthur, you've worked yourself up into such a state,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31you're going to be more scared than they are when they get back!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I wouldn't be scared if you weren't parading around like an idiot.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36What's going through your mind?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Anyway, you're the one that's scared.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm not scared! I don't believe in this stuff.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Not of ghosts. You know full well I'm not talking about ghosts.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm talking about whatever it is,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51the reason you're pushing Sinem away.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55It's you that needs an exorcism, Michael, not this house.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I have to go.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Arthur, when they get back,
0:26:03 > 0:26:04what do you say?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Monster Mist.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06No!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm only joking. I know.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09"It's over."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"It's over."
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Thank you.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16So, is it a fancy dress party?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18No.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Sinem, call a taxi - I'll meet you there.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23What I'd give to be 40 again!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Well, we've still got a few hours.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What are we going to do now?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Hey! Look what I found!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Well, they did say make yourself at home.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43My Imperial Topaz!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It's over.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10MUSIC: "Tainted Love"
0:27:12 > 0:27:17# Sometimes I feel I've got to
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Run away I've got to
0:27:20 > 0:27:26# Get away from the fear you drive into the heart of me
0:27:26 > 0:27:33# The love we share seems to go nowhere... #
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Would you like to dance?
0:27:40 > 0:27:45What's... What is wrong with your face?
0:27:45 > 0:27:50There's nothing wrong with my face, Sinem. I'm just smiling.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# I give you all a boy could give you
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# Take my tears and that's not nearly all
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# Tainted love
0:28:00 > 0:28:01# Tainted love. #
0:28:03 > 0:28:05So, how much were the damages?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Maybe I should write it down.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Oooh!
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I'm sorry, Michael. We've never drunk creme de menthe before.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It was like minty oblivion.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Don't worry, Arthur. It doesn't matter.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Where you going?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Dancing.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Are you not putting your make-up on?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I've told Phillipa I've gone shopping.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Touch the cards.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Ooohh!
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Ericsson