0:00:17 > 0:00:20You know those self-driving cars? Are they out yet?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I don't think so, Arthur.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, well, then someone's left the handbrake off a Ford Focus.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Ooh, Eggy, you giving us pick of the car boot?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Quality stuff this, Arthur.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37It didn't feel right not to let you all have a look first.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Decorative horseshoe, I'm having that for a start.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Same, same for the table tennis bat.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Ooooh, a tin of keys!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I saw it first!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Oh, The Onedin Line box set!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Oh, well, I "susspose" I'll give you two pounds for these?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59The box set's empty though, Arthur.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00There's no DVDs in it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Then in that case, shall we say, one pound, fifty pence?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, all right.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07I'll settle up with you later.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11TO HIMSELF: Poor naive Eggy!
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Morning, Arthur.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Arthur's in a huff.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I did an interview last night and I didn't mention him.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Arts Today on Radio 4. They were asking me about my book.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Order something! Stop talking to me! What's going on?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- A cup of tea, please. - Don't do that again!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Can't help feeling you're a bit peeved.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Oh, did you hear something, Eggy? I thought I heard a noise!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42A sort of high-pitched, treacherous whining!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I can only answer the questions I'm asked, Arthur.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- They didn't bring you up! - There it was again! Did you hear it?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It sounded like air escaping
0:01:50 > 0:01:53from an ungrateful, hairless balloon!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56What else did you get, Eggy? I'm ignoring Michael...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ooh! There you are!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00BULENT GROWLS
0:02:00 > 0:02:03My mate says we can use the villa.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Really! Oh, that's great!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ohhhh, ten days in Tuscany!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Cradle of the Medici,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- and we'll be in time for the Festival of the Ceni!- What's that?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Three teams race each other up a mountain
0:02:16 > 0:02:19from the main square outside the Palazzo del Consiglio
0:02:19 > 0:02:21to the Basilica of Sant'Ubaldo,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24each one carrying a statue of their saint
0:02:24 > 0:02:27mounted on a wooden octagonal plinth! Ohh, heaven!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Yeah. And it's going to be hot and there's a swimming pool!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oh, yeah...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Ooh, it's a proper one, is that. There might be a genie in it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41LAMP CLINKS
0:02:43 > 0:02:45No, don't want that.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49All right, Arthur, if it means you'll speak to me again,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- I'll grant you three wishes. - Good idea!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53One for each time you betrayed me.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55How did I BETRAY you?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Firstly, for not mentioning me,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01secondly, for not mentioning me again a bit later on
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and, thirdly, for not mentioning me at all.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06All right, hit me. Three wishes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09And you can't wish for more wishes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11I wish...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I wish...for...for...some toast.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I can do that. Next.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Ooh, I should get tea to go with it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20That's two.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Don't waste them, Arthur!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Ohhhh! You took advantage of me!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25I got over-excited!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I wasn't ready!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Sorry, Arthur, just one left.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Tea and toast, please.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Oh, look at you.- I'm excited!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Our first holiday together!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yes! We'll have ten days together!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Aah, ten days.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42You'll have ten days in my company...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46..with no interruptions.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Just 24-hour Michael.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52All me,
0:03:52 > 0:03:53all day,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55every day.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58This voice,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00this face...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05..every...day.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Hey, Arthur, look what I got at the car boot!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Very nice! This is a concert one!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18HE STRUMS GENTLY
0:04:22 > 0:04:25HE PLAYS FLUENTLY
0:04:29 > 0:04:30APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I didn't know you could do that!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Oh, yes. I was in a band.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- What?- Yep.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You were in a band? When?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Before I met your dad. - You never told me about this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45No! It's private, and painful, and I don't like talking about it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48All right, shall I do it?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Everyone! Arthur's going to tell a story.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53All the kids were doing it.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Messing about with guitars when we should have been doing our homework.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01After I left school, I was just the same.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I hooked up with some other blokes - John, George and, um, Ringo.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Arthur...- What?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- This is the Beatles.- No, it isn't.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- You're getting mixed up with the Beatles.- Shush!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No-one had ever seen anything like it before.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17It was mayhem.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Everyone wanted a piece of us.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Then, one day, we were playing a gig
0:05:21 > 0:05:23on the top of a roof...for some reason,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27and the tensions of the band came frothing to the surface,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31like a Steradent tablet in a glass of dentures.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36John was my best friend, but after he met Ono Yoko
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and I married Linda McCartney,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42the famous veterinarian, things were never the same.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Arthur...- Oh, hang a second, that's not right.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That's you, that is, putting the Beatles in my head!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49We didn't break up on the rooftop.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I can't remember where we broke up.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Or why...
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Mind you, that all feels as if it was 100 years ago, that.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Imagine!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Where will I be 100 years from now?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You won't be anywhere, Arthur. You'll be dead.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Long, long dead. - You're right, Birdie!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I dunno, Arthur. You're healthy enough.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You say that, Eggy, but death can come from any direction!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Just the other day, a cow fell on me.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16A cow fell on you! What?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18A cow just fell on you?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yes. I was in my pyjamas and...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Wait, wait, wait...! You were in a field in your pyjamas?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26No! I wasn't in a field, I was at home.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What would I be doing in a field in my pyjamas?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Where was the cow, then? - In my kitchen.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34What, it just wandered in?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37How could a cow wander into my kitchen?!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38I...I wouldn't stand for it!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Then how...? - It wasn't alive, Michael!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Dear, oh, dear! I wouldn't have a live cow in my kitchen.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46That would be extremely unhygienic!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Why was there a dead cow in your kitchen?- I was butchering it
0:06:51 > 0:06:54for Wilf at Taylor's Quality Meats in the High Street.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57He sometimes puts a bit of work my way when he's pushed.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He lets me keep all the offal.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01You know how to butcher a cow?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Once the carcass is quartered
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and the legs are off, it's just common sense.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Can someone else take over? I need to close my eyes.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11How did it fall on you, Arthur?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Oh, well, I usually hook the cows up to the clothes airer,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18but this was a big one and it pulled the fitting out of the ceiling.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I was in there looking for a biscuit when it pinned me to the floor!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Why do you keep biscuits in the same room as the clothes airer?!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Actually, you know what, I went in again too soon...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32God, I'd hate a cow falling on me.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Oh, it's INCREDIBLY annoying, Birdie.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38But just think, Michael, if the juices hadn't pooled
0:07:38 > 0:07:43and allowed me to slide out, it would have been curtains for me.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Imagine that for an obituary!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47"Beloved entertainer dies
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"while trying to retrieve biscuit from room with cow."
0:07:53 > 0:07:54No, no, no, I can't have that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I've got things to do!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Important things!
0:07:58 > 0:07:59I have to find John!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01If he exists.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03What's that "sussposed" to mean?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05When I interviewed you, you never mentioned a band.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09"I can only answer the questions I'm asked", Michael.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11All right, what happened to them, then?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Yeah, Arthur, where are they all now?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Well...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17News filtered back to me that John got shot in New York...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Got shot in a shoe shop in York...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Got a shot at a job in a shoe shop in York!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31But the last I heard, he'd put down roots in Sheffield.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35He was my best friend, and then, it was all over.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I have to find out why.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Genie! Third wish. Take me to Sheffield.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- What?- You have to drive me to Sheffield! I have to find John!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Arthur, I'm not driving you to Sheffield!- Oh, come on.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's not as if you have anything better to do, is it?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, OK, I thought we were going to go for dinner,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57talk about the holiday.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Oh, no, no, we will, it's just...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Well, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He doesn't seem to know what part of his story's true
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and what part he saw in a Paul McCartney documentary.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09OK.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Come on, then!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12But no, no, of course we will.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's just... I was just wondering,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17is it the right time of year for Tuscany?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18But, anyway, we'll talk...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21conversation...together...holiday...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24plans...talking... It's all good.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25My order ready, Bulent?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27It's en route!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You could do with some music in here, Bulent.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Brighten the place up a bit. Isn't that right, Eggy?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33A bit of music.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Well, I think it's great the way it is, Birdie.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Ah, you have them all filling their nappies at the thought of you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- This place could use some music. - Aaagh.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Or are you afraid that we'll find out you have no taste?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- I have taste! - Sure you do. Terrible taste.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You want music? I'll give you music!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56I'll install a CD system
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and play you the best music you've ever heard!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- ASIDE:- Shall I get him to do something else?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- SAT-NAV:- 'Continue for 500 yards.'
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What are you telling me for? You're driving.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12'And at the junction, turn right.'
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- What are you telling me that for? - It's the sat-nav!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Sat-nav, eh? I've heard about that.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23They use, um, PMT co-ordinates.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- How did I get into this?! - Oh, stop complaining, will you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Be good for you to get out of your crumpet zone for once.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34'In 300 yards, take the exit.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Pardon?- It's not me! - Oh, yes, yes, of course.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41'You have arrived at your destination.'
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- I KNOW we have! - Stop talking to it!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- GROANING: - Oh, thank God that's over...!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Well, here we are.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I don't think I can do this, Michael.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I'm ever so nervous.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I wish I could just go home.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Sorry, Arthur.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- HE RINGS DOORBELL - You're out of wishes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Hello, John.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Ooof!
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Arthur!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You'd better come in.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27HE COUGHS
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Ooof!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36HE COUGHS
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Well, you two must have a lot to talk about
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- so maybe I'll just wait outside? - That's not a bad idea.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Now, you've a few options.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49You could go and sit upstairs on the edge of a bed
0:11:49 > 0:11:51or you can remain on the stairs themselves.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- Mind you, that's a bit dangerous. - Maybe I'll just wait in the car.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, that's an option I didn't consider.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yes, you can tune in to Jeremy Vine and recline your seat,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02as long as there's no-one sat behind you.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05OK. I'm going now.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Nice chair, John.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Argos. Click And Collect.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Is it leather, then?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20It's what's known as "folks" leather, Arthur.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Do you know what "folks" leather is?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Of course, I know what... "folks" leather is.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Ooof, sorry. Obviously touched a nerve, there.- No, you haven't.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32How would not knowing what "folks" leather was be a nerve?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It's not the sort of thing people get bothered by.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You never know what's going to set someone off, Arthur.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40My wife, Mary, has a panic attack if anyone opens a drawer too quickly.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47There was an occasion I needed me Swiss Army knife to prise a stone
0:12:47 > 0:12:49from the paw of a King Charles Spaniel
0:12:49 > 0:12:51that had wandered into the garden.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I was in such a hurry, I forgot myself
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and pulled the drawer open terribly fast.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Mary ended up having to sit down for five minutes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Now, what's this all about, Arthur?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I'm sorry to hurry you,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09but Mary's got a foot spa filling up in the kitchen and I'm supervising.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You kept it up, then? The music?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Oh, yes, yes. I'm on the carvery circuit, now, yes,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19HE PLAYS A FEW CHORDS
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Yes, I do drop-in centres,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22sheltered accommodation, that sort of venue.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm at the hospice on Tuesday.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, John.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, you shouldn't be because they give me me petrol money.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Mind you, it's just around the corner so it'll be about 42p.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Oh, well, it all adds up. Do three of those a week and you're laughing.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41That's right, I am. What about you, Arthur?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Have you given up music, then?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I haven't played since the band split up.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Ooof.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- DEFENSIVELY:- And whose fault was that, Arthur?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- I don't know.- Neither do I.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53That's why I'm here, John.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I wanted to find out why the band broke up.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'll have to have a good think about that, Arthur.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00But now's not a good time. Where are you staying?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04We were going to go home tonight, but I can't go home not knowing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Well, let's reconvene tomorrow. - DOOR CLOSES
0:14:06 > 0:14:08There's a B&B at the end of the road.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's your friend with the sad face.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Obviously, you didn't tune into Jeremy
0:14:15 > 0:14:17or you wouldn't be back so soon.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Where did you end up standing?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Just in the garden. It's a nice day.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Verge or dead centre?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Verge.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Ooof. Controversial.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Most would opt for the centre to avoid the breeze,
0:14:31 > 0:14:32at the end of the bush.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Listen, do have a think about the B&B.- B&B?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Yes. It's getting late, but they might be able to accommodate you.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44What B&B? We're going home, aren't we?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26MICHAEL YELLS
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Aw, what was that? - Ohhh, I'd just dropped off.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30What's going on?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31What? Something...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Something fell on me!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Really? From where?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37There must have been a bit of plaster or...or...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39a ceiling brick.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Anyway, can't we just drop it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43We're both up now, we might as well have a chat.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- So, what's been happening with you, then?- Ohhh...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I'll tell you what worrying me, Michael.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I'm getting on very well with John. It's like the old days.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I'm remembering now what a brilliant conversationalist he is.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59What's the problem?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Well...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04we're trying to remember why the band split up.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What if it was my fault?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11We might have gone on to do something,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14our lives could have been completely different.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'd hate it if I'd ruined our chances for myself,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20but it would be even worse if I'd ruined it for him.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Well, then, don't try and remember it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Just...pick up where you left off.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Stop overthinking things.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Thanks, Michael.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33That makes sense, that does.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I wonder if that's what I'm doing.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You see, Sinem's asked me to go on holiday and I...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45ARTHUR SNORES
0:16:49 > 0:16:51What are you doing, John?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I'm cleaning me keyboard with antibacterial spray.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56It's a bit of a ritual.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Like a Samurai keeping his blade keen with a whetstone.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It's also a hospice requirement.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Do you ever think about what might have been, John?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12If we'd stuck together?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Ooof! That was another life. Another time.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I was wild then.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17- HE SPRAYS - We all were.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Best to keep that in the past.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Maybe we should get the band back together.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23That's a bit of a bombshell!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's not just about us, John.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It's about four young men and their dreams.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Four? No, there were only three, Arthur.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32No, no, there were four of us.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Us two, George and Ringo.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Ooof, I think you're getting us mixed up with the Beatles, Arthur.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I don't remember a "George".
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And Ringo passed away two years ago.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, that's a shame.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49So, it is only about just us.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- That could be highly convenient. - It could.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55OK, then, let's give it a go!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59HE SPRAYS
0:18:01 > 0:18:03MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH IN MONTAGE
0:18:25 > 0:18:28HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES ON KEYBOARD
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Hey, I feel we're moving in a Clannad direction.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35HE PLAYS SYNTH NOTES
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Does that...? Does that get the juices flowing?
0:18:37 > 0:18:42It does, John. It makes me think of vegetables.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Oh, yes, I like it, I think we're on to something.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49What sort of vegetable? Potatoes?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Oh, no, I don't want to be doing a song about potatoes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, there's nothing wrong with potatoes, Arthur.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Mary and I are big fans,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01especially boiled ones with a bit of quiche and a side salad.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Nothing rhymes with them.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06There's no romance to a potato.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09But there's plenty of dignity, Arthur.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And there's not enough songs with them in.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That's the point I'm making!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Name one good song about potatoes!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19There's only one to my knowledge - One Potato, Two Potato.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Exactly, exactly.- But it proves my point. There ought to be more.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Listen. I'm not singing a song about sodding potatoes!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Arthur, if you're going to insult Mary and I by disparaging potatoes,
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36I'm happy to!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Now I remember why we broke up!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Always vegetable-based disagreements!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Right, I think we'll leave it there
0:19:44 > 0:19:46before you say anything else you regret.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Don't worry, don't worry, I'm leaving.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53But, Arthur, it's getting late, where are you going to stay?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- You know... - ARTHUR GRUMBLES
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I thought you were asleep.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13No, no, I was just....lying there.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18You know, Arthur, I was walking around Sheffield today
0:20:18 > 0:20:22and I ended up at the Industrial Museum alongside the river
0:20:22 > 0:20:26and it has England's largest surviving Bessemer converter.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30It's a steel-making process, now largely obsolete,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32in which carbon, silicon,
0:20:32 > 0:20:37and other impurities are removed from molten pig iron by oxidation
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- in a special tilting retort. - All right, all right,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I know what a Bessemer converter is, thank you very much.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49I was looking at the rivets on its magnificent cauldron
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and I thought...
0:20:54 > 0:20:57..I'm incredibly boring.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59You won't get any arguments this side of the bed.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04But Sinem seems to like me anyway.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07And if she likes me,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09maybe I'm not so boring after all.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Maybe I'm just interesting in a different way.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- SNORING - In a way that...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Oh, well, never mind. We did our best.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Thanks, though, Michael.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh, God, Arthur...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Arthur, I think I've lost my wallet!
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Oh, no, I must have left it when I was paying for the room!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45All right, calm down.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Just tell the landlord what's happened. He'll understand.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He doesn't look like he'll understand.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Don't worry, leave it to me.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04What are you doing?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05No, Arthur!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Play the winner?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Three ball, corner pocket.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Or the middle pocket...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21The pocket on that side, ooh!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Oooh! Sod it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49HE SNORES
0:22:49 > 0:22:52This is the right end of the club, isn't it?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It's called a cue.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55And it's still your shot, mate.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00How about we make things a bit more interesting.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Sure, 20 quid?
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Oh, hardly worth getting out of bed for, make it 50.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Yeah.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, dear, another great shot from you.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Whatever am I going to do?!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19ALL LAUGH
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Mate, you're stripes. You shouldn't even be going for the other ones.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24CLATTERING
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Oh, dear.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Double or quits?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Don't worry, I'm good for it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I've got me money man over there.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36All right.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- QUIETLY:- You do realise we have no money?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Oh, no, whatever will we do?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You sure about this, mate?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51You're losing a lot of money.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Boys, I'm just getting started.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Run, Michael, run!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00You can't play at all!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- MAN:- This way, come on.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04MEN SHOUT
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Well, that never happened in the film.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- What film?... The Hustler? - He won in the film.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17He was bad at first, but when he put money on it, he was brilliant!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19He could play.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21He was hustling!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Ah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, right, I'm with you now!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28He could play! Of course!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29That's what it was about!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- TO HIMSELF:- Thank God that's over.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Good job for them they never caught us when we ran away.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- I'd have shown them.- No, no, no. I don't do physical confrontation.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45My adrenaline goes to my mouth, my language gets very...flamboyant.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I end up sounding like a dandy in a Restoration comedy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Where's my jacket?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Where's my jacket?!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Oh, God, I've left it in the pub!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I've left my jacket in the pub!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59You have other jackets.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03No, it's got the keys in it. The keys are in the jacket.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05HE SIGHS
0:25:05 > 0:25:08We're going to have to go back.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10No, Michael, it's worse than that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14YOU'RE going to have to go back.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
0:25:35 > 0:25:37'Tis I!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Fear ye not!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40I mean ye no ill will.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I humbly ask that you permit me a small boon.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47What?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I merely posit
0:25:49 > 0:25:51that you divest thyself
0:25:51 > 0:25:53of my...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55paltry rags.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Could I have my jacket back, please.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01What about our winnings?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Leave the kid alone!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It's me you've got the beef with!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Yes, and...and we're not leaving until you return my jacket!
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Mark me, sir!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35On the plus side, you're outside of your crumpet zone.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Yes. I am definitely out of my crumpet zone.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Listen to this bit! Listen to this bit!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Is this Jethro Tull?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I wasn't expecting that.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Turn that music off! Please.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- John!- Hello, Arthur.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- I couldn't leave it like we did. - You're right, John.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03We have too much history,
0:27:03 > 0:27:08even if neither of us can remember exactly what that is.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09I've written a song, Arthur,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11which doesn't mention potatoes
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and I was wondering if you would do me the honour
0:27:13 > 0:27:15of helping me perform it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Count me in, John.- What, before I've even taught you the song?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Life is like a salad bar
0:27:23 > 0:27:25# You only get one visit
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Take your bowl and follow me
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# I'll be your guiding spirit
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- BOTH:- # Life is like a salad bar
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Look hard or you'll miss it
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# Life is like a salad bar
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- # Or... # - PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# Or is it?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Live your life as I would
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# By your own nose be guided
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# But go easy on the onions
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# And use the tongs provided... #
0:27:52 > 0:27:53INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Sinem, I will go on holiday.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Well, I know. We already said we would.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Well, then, that's still the case.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Right.- Right.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05KEY CHANGES UP
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Oh, life is like a salad bar
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# You only get one visit
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Take your bowls and follow me
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# I'll be your guiding spirit
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Life is like a salad bar
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# With no potatoes in it
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# Life is like a salad bar... #
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- HE PLAYS DRUMPADS ON KEYBOARD - # Or is it? #
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- ARTHUR PLAYS DRUMPADS - You're too late, Arthur.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- You had your chance and you blew it. - Oh, sorry, mate.- Well, never mind.