0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Bermondsey, South London. One of the most expensive parts of London,
0:00:08 > 0:00:10full of swish apartment blocks and modern architecture.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13You'd have to have a nice few quid to live here now.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15But it wasn't always like that.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17When I grew up here, back in the '70s...
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- YOUNG DANNY:- ..there were council flats and corner shops,
0:00:20 > 0:00:21factories and bombsites.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23It's beaten-up and run-down
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and nobody's got any money.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26But it doesn't matter -
0:00:26 > 0:00:28this is Bermondsey, South London,
0:00:28 > 0:00:29where I'm from.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# They say time will wait for no man
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# They say time is on my side
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# I can never make my mind up
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# Cos it all goes whizzing by
0:00:52 > 0:00:57- # From the cradle to the grave - # From the cradle to the grave
0:00:57 > 0:01:02- # I know I won't be a slave - # I know I won't be a slave
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# To the mistakes that I made
0:01:04 > 0:01:06# From the cradle...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08# We won't go
0:01:08 > 0:01:09# Till I'm ready
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# From the cradle to the grave. #
0:01:12 > 0:01:17MUSIC: Tomorrow Night by Atomic Rooster
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Will you turn that racket off?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I can't keep count here!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22What?! It's Atomic Rooster.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23"It's Atomic Rooster?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Do you hear that, Bet? It's Atomic Rooster(!)
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Yeah, lovely, we'll have two of them next time, eh, Fred?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Here, what you got on your nut?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It's an activist's hat. John Lennon wears one.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Does he? Well, you can give it back to him cos
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- you're not going out dressed like that.- Why not?- "Why not?"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Cos you look like a big ginger beer, that's why not.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Take it off your head and give it back to your mother.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43She can dry up with it. Danny!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Don't your mates want none of these footballs cluttering the house up?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47They've all bought one.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Bought one? Well, tell them to buy another one.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You've got to knock them out, son.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I've got 300 pairs of Wellington boots coming the day after tomorrow.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57This pump's poxed as well!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Home was number 11, Debnams Road, London. SE16.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It was always full of "stuff".
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Some items more readily shiftable than others.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08For a short while, one of Dad's most popular items
0:02:08 > 0:02:10was continental quilts.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# The best things in life are free... #
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Here you go.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15# But you can give them to the birds and bees... #
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- That's it. Pass them on. - # I need money... #
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It was like living inside an enormous bag of marshmallows.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23For days, my sister, Sharon, and my brother, Michael,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- couldn't get into their bedrooms... - Michael!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Take that bleeding cap off.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# Your love gives me such a thrill... #
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Fred, we can't go on living like this.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I've got nowhere to put me feet!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40God knows where the bleeding dog is.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'm sorting it all out.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It'll be gone by the weekend, girl.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Get out of it!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And they were...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Hi.- Are you all right?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Thanks very much. See you, love. - Bye.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57..to be replaced by...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59And...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Or once, as I remember... - DOGS BARK
0:03:03 > 0:03:08This was Spud's economy. A kingdom where no detail was overlooked.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09What are you doing?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Don't do that to me when I'm doing this.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I'm straightening the electric out.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I though we already had it straightened.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Yeah, I'm making it completely straight.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Fred, unless that wheel turns a bit,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25it looks like we don't use no electricity in this house.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That's all right, if the bloke calls round
0:03:27 > 0:03:30we'll have Michael answer the door, say we're all hippies.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Bollocks. I've dropped my putty now.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35The phone's been cut off again, have you got any plans for that?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yeah, I've told Sharon to tell them I've had a heart attack
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and it's essential, so they'll have to put it back on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Hold my torch for me, will you?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I have been holding a torch for you
0:03:45 > 0:03:48a long time, Freddy Baker.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You watch it don't go out.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53There you go, that's lovely, that.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Aww. The putty's sticking out on that side.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Well, it don't have to be tidy.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58You can see it, Fred.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01MUSIC: The Air That I Breathe by The Hollies
0:04:01 > 0:04:02ZAPPING AND EXPLOSION
0:04:02 > 0:04:03What the f...?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Stop the wheel! Stop the wheel!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Every turn's a fucking tenner!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I ain't touching... Oh, Fred!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I wish I could tell you that Dad was a legitimate importer/exporter.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19In fact, he was a docker...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21# Divided, we'll fall... #
0:04:21 > 0:04:24..and, as a result, quite a few ships left our ports
0:04:24 > 0:04:26a little lighter than they should have.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28# Let's work together
0:04:28 > 0:04:29# Come on, come on
0:04:29 > 0:04:31# Let's work together
0:04:31 > 0:04:33# Now, now, people
0:04:33 > 0:04:36# Because together we will stand... #
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Are you sure we can drink this?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I promise you, methanol - same as alcohol.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41This is what they make it from.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It's the same family. It's the "..ohol" bit.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What you talking about? It's not "alcanol," is it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Trust me, Spud.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48It's booze.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Look, it must be on its way to a German distillery.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52In that case,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56I think we're entitled to a little bit of export tax, don't you?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- What's it like?- 'king hell!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Can you still see us, Spud?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It's not a bad drop, that.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Ooh, it's not.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Handsimonious, that.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Go and get a hose.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12We'll siphon it off.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Do you know what I think that is?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I think that's what they call "schnapps."
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I had schnapps in Frankfurt
0:05:17 > 0:05:19when I was in the army.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I think the krauts might have won the war
0:05:21 > 0:05:22if they'd laid off this stuff.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Here we go.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28ALL: Oh!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It was embalming fluid.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31I'd like to say he didn't still bottle it up
0:05:31 > 0:05:36and sell it around Bermondsey, but I've never been 100% certain.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37And so, to the night Colin,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39my sister's Sharon's boyfriend,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42was coming round to our place for the first time.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I think I'll meet Colin at the top of the street, Mum.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, don't be so silly.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47You're building it up too much.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And I've told your dad not to embarrass you.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He won't be wearing them plimsolls, will he?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I don't know. I told him not to.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Aye, aye. Where's he going?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Out with Sharon.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02What, with her and Steamboat Bill?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05He's called Colin, Dad. And I wish he wasn't coming round now.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06He's all right, Sharon.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Your father makes a lot of noise
0:06:08 > 0:06:10but he ain't going to do nothing, are you Fred?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Me?! Anyway where's he taking her, to go and see Joey Hendrix?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Jimi Hendrix - and he's dead.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17All right, all right. Don't you start.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Just cos I let you have one orange jacket.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21What have I told you about the way he's turning out?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24They're taking Danny out to the theatre, I told you.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Oh, yeah. The one where they all strip off.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Yeah, It's a protest musical. It's political.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"Political?" Does he know they get it all out?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That's just paper talk, Fred. It ain't nothing like that.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I hoped it wasn't. I'd been thinking about nothing else for two weeks...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- DOG BARKS I'll get that.- Fred...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41All right, all right, I'm not a crackpot!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Hello, Mr Baker, I'm Colin.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48MUSIC: Hole In My Shoe by Traffic
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Well, you can fuck off for a start.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Fred!- What?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- I'm Colin. - Sure you're not Andy Capp?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I've, er, I've come to pick Sharon up.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, no, mate. The only thing you'll be picking up, dressed like that,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07is your nose off the pavement if you don't shift, son.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh, leave him alone!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Hello, boy. Don't mind him, he don't mean it.- Don't I?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14If you think I'm letting a daughter of mine walk out
0:07:14 > 0:07:17with some soapy fucker in plimsolls, you've got another thing coming!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- I'll meet you by the bus stop. - Oi, Oi, Oi!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'll be up there meself in a couple of minutes
0:07:23 > 0:07:24and if you're still there,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28you're going straight under the next double decker, all right?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30For God's sake, Dad!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- What d'you have to go and talk to him like that for?- Well...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35We're still going, ain't we?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Plimsolls.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Shall I just wait here?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I don't know, I don't know where he is.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45(Sharon!)
0:07:45 > 0:07:46(Sharon!)
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Colin...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- ..what are you doing over here? - Are you on your own?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55He won't really throw you under a bus.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- He's a bloody maniac, your dad. - He don't mean any of that.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Well, why does he say it then?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Anyway, what are you wearing them poxy plimsolls for?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03I told you not to.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Ain't you got any other shoes?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08A pair of Persian slippers and some orange desert boots.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Fair enough. Come on.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14'I'd actually been quietly crushed by Dad's reaction.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16'You see, I absolutely idolised Colin
0:08:16 > 0:08:17'and I loved how he looked.'
0:08:17 > 0:08:19All right? 'Even his plimsolls.'
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What's wrong with plimsolls anyway?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What's wrong with YOU?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Me and my mates could only dream of gear like Colin's.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28With the end-of-year disco looming,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32the peak of our fashion ambition was a pair of two-tone tonic trousers.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Do you reckon they'll still have 'em next week?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I ain't go no chance. I've only got a pound.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Ain't me birthday till March.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39What are you going to be, six?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, six! At least I've got a mum.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45I ain't getting them in plum and blue.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Everyone's got them in plum and blue.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49They don't do them in our size in turquoise and gold.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Yeah, they do, I've seen them. - No, you ain't.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oi, oi, what's this - tramp's outing?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Hello, Len, what you got?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Pair of tonics. - You're joking. Show us.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05ANGELIC CHOIR SINGING
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oi, Oi, Oi. Off the cloth, moth.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I told you they did them in turquoise and gold in our size.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13They don't any more. These are the last ones.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- What do you mean?- Old man Nelson marked my card, didn't he?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19That's it, they ain't making them in our size any more.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What, they're the last pair?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They got loads of plum and blue left. Thousands of them.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Now, unlike you 'moes, I've got loads of birds to shag.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29So, you, drop...back!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35INDISTINCT
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# I'm in with the in crowd
0:09:41 > 0:09:43# I go where the in crowd goes... #
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I think plum and blue are the best, y'know?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Especially with all the lighting in there.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51What are you all dressed the same for?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Cos these are in.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Plum and blue?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Lenny Byart's got a pair of turquoise and gold.- Yeah, we know.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And he's taking Marion Chivers out in them on Wednesday.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What? I didn't know he was going out with Marion Chivers.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04He wasn't. But he's got a pair of turquoise and golds now, hasn't he?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Here, I'm asking her out.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Amanda Bold? You ain't got no chance, mate.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No, no, no. I think she likes me.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oi, oi!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Len, where are your turquoise and golds?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I'm not going to waste 'em here, am I?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You all look the same, you divaloes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21AND that's West Ham colours.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Drop...back!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Look, Len, Len. I need to ask you something.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I've got to borrow your turquoise and golds.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Oh, get lost, mate - no chance. I ain't even worn them myself yet.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Do us this one favour. Come on.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Remember when I let you shoot me in the arse with that air pistol?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Yeah.- I'm going to ask out Amanda Bold, you see, Len,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42and all you need to do is borrow them to me for two hours.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's guaranteed then, innit?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46You're mental. I'm not going to lend you trousers
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- when I ain't even worn them myself. - Oh, come on, you've got to.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I'll give you a pound.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51I don't want a pound.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- All right. I'll give you five pound. - You ain't got five pound!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57All right, I'll give you a pound.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Come on - they're only going to be hanging up in your house.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03A pound? For two hours?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Just while I ask her out.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07All right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Lenny's reluctance was unusual.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12People on the estate were normally quite happy to help each other out.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Freddie. Fred.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Floating.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Freddie? Can you help Lil out?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Why? What's the matter?- Radio Rentals say they're coming round
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- to take our telly back.- Where's Wal?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh, he's gone out. He'll have a right hump about it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27The Avengers is on tonight.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28He likes that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Right.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36MUSIC: White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Yes?- From Radio Rentals.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I'm sorry, but I've come to take the set back.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46God... Um, I suppose you'd better come in, then.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Who's this?- It's Radio Rentals. This is my husband, Walter.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- The man's come to...- I've come to repossess the set.- You what?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Stand aside, please, sir. It's our property.- I'm sorry, Wally.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Well, how long has she been missing the payments?- About eight weeks now.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- I'm really sorry, honestly I am. - I'm sure you are...now.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Look, I've been giving her the money, mate,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- she's been spending it. - Well, it was only on food, Wally.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Bollocks to food! She's been up the bingo with it.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Here! Go on, take the thing. Take it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Sorry about this, mate. I can't apologise enough.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31And as soon as you're out that door, mate, I'll knock it out of her.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Please, Wally, I didn't mean to! - No, and I won't mean to neither.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Not in front of the man, Wally... - He won't save you.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Now, now, wait a minute, Mr Shaw.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39I don't want this to get nasty.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- You clear off - I'll sort this myself.- Look, please, please.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I don't want to cause any ructions - I can't leave it like this.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50How about I go back and have a word about extending your credit?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Oh, could you?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Oh, that would be marvellous, Mr...?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What if I were to do that, sir?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Well, you can pay for it,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59out of your housekeeping - cos I'm not paying twice.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Yes, Wally. Straight. I will.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Go on, then! Put it back.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Actually, could I try it over there?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I've always wanted to move it.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Actually, I did like it better where it was.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Here. There you go, mate.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33There's five bob for your aggravation.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Oh, thank you very much!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Hey-hey!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Oh, Freddie, you are murder.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41He thought you was going to kill me.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Only thing that gets knocked is Radio Rentals!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47There you go, girl, that should see you right for a couple of months.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Oh, ta, love.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50The nearest thing we had to a youth centre
0:13:50 > 0:13:52was a creepy street of abandoned old houses,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55locally known as Mud Island.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Why?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Cos they were literally sinking into the rotten, Rotherhithe mud.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, there's shit in here somewhere.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Always is in old houses.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I reckon Teddy Dunderdale's been in here again.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Always leaves them behind. It's his trademark.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Where's Martin?- Lenny's dropping the trousers round.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16He ain't really borrowing them, is he?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yeah, he's paid a pound to use them.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Lenny told me it was a fiver.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Why would he pay a fiver when they only cost 2.25?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Turquoise and gold.- Amanda Bold.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27He won't get hold of Amanda Bold.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29No-one gets hold of her.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# Turquoise and gold, Amanda Bold! #
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Oi! You up there?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40That's Martin.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Shh, shh, shh.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Here, don't muck about - what room you in?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48HE MIMICS GHOST
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Yeah, yeah, all right.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Where are ya?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52You up here?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59What room?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- GHOSTLY VOICE:- Ma-a-a-arti-i-in!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Don't muck about, it's boring.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What room you in?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Is it this one?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Sh, sh, sh.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Come on, you moes, I ain't got time for this.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LOUD CRASH
0:15:13 > 0:15:15THEY LAUGH
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Martin - we're in here.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Mart?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What was that noise?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Martin?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Oh, shit...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Martin.- Martin.- Martin.- Martin!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Mart?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02He ain't moving.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Shit.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Other than a few pets, this was our first proper experience of death.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17We hadn't quiet mastered grief either...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Dickie was crying.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20No, I'm not!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Oi, shut up. It's Martin's auntie.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Len, what's up?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Do you reckon his mum brought my trousers?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Oh, shut up about your trousers. - Well, when can I ask for them back?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Not today. Have some respect.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Yeah, you're going to have to wait at least another week, mate.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Too late. I'm going out with Amanda Bold on Friday.- Amanda Bold?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I thought you were going out with Marion Chivers.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Yeah, I am.- So, how comes you're going out with Amanda Bold as well?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Well, he's not going out with her now, is he?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Would you boys like to come in and pay your respects now?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Be strong.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52We're all in shock.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00My strides!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01My strides!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03He can't go down the hole in my strides.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Not my turquoise and golds!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09# Turquoise and gold, down the hole
0:18:09 > 0:18:11# Turquoise and gold, down the hole
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# Turquoise and gold, down the hole
0:18:13 > 0:18:15# Turquoise and gold down the hole... #
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So, anyway, there I was, with Colin and Sharon,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33sitting in the West End,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36waiting for loads of actresses to start prancing about in the nude.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38This had to go better than the last time
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'd attempted to see a female in the state of undress.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45MUSIC: Me And Mrs Jones by Billy Paul
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Whenever my nan went on holiday,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49it was my job to go round
0:18:49 > 0:18:51and feed her goldfish and her budgie.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52In the process,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I worked out that me and my newly acquired girlfriend, Yvonne,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59would have the flat to ourselves for a few hours.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Ain't you going to take these trousers off?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02No way.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07BUDGIE CHIRPS
0:19:07 > 0:19:08KEYS JINGLE
0:19:08 > 0:19:09What was that?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11It's all right, it's all right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I've got the only key.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17'What I should have added there were the words "I think."'
0:19:17 > 0:19:20KEYS JINGLE AND DOOR OPENS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35DOOR HANDLE RATTLES
0:19:38 > 0:19:40(We should go.)
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, my God.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh, my good God!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, what have I just seen?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Oh, I've gone blind!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh! In me mother's bed...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Oh! Right, you get home now, you dirty little bastard!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I am telling your father right now!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And yours, Yvonne!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09D'you know, my dad's going to have you murdered for this, don't you?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It had occurred to me, yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Then there's your dad.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And there's my mum...
0:20:17 > 0:20:18My brother...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Uncle Eddie's a maniac as well...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26PHONE RINGS
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- 'Hello?'- Hello, Mum? It's me...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I said it's me. Danny.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40What should I do, Mum?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Well, you should get back here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Now.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Your father wants to see you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50OK. Er...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52What about Yvonne?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I haven't said anything to her dad - I daren't.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58And you've got enough to worry about with your father so get home, now.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10What did she say?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11My dad's going to kill me.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yeah, what about me?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh, she said she's not going to say nothing to your dad.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17So, I'm all right?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Oh, brilliant.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I tell you what - I'm never doing anything like that again, OK?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Great(!)
0:21:29 > 0:21:30More good news(!)
0:21:30 > 0:21:37Music: Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Danny! Danny! Danny!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49You wait till your father gets home.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55This didn't bear thinking about.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'd recently witnessed what had happened
0:21:57 > 0:21:59to the last member of our family to really upset Mum.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Tom the tortoise.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Dad adored Tom, even though they seemed to be constantly arguing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Now, I won't tell you again,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13stop fucking eating my crysanths.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Listen to me,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17that's your side of the garden and that's mine.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Stay away from my side, do you understand?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Dad, he's a tortoise. He can't understand, can he?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Heh-heh! He understands all right.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29And another thing, stay out the front room, got it?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31This is how Dad spoke to everything,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32from blue bottles...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Go on. Land on my leg, see what you fucking get!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37..to my brother's disappointing lizard...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Oi, liven your ideas up!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Don't you look at me like that!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45..but Tom, in particular, just wouldn't be told,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49which led to the great teapot disaster of 1973.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE ON TV
0:22:53 > 0:22:54He's thick.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58My mum's absolute pride and joy was her collection of novelty teapots.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00He's not got one right yet.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Fred?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06This is all set up before it's even started, this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10My teapots just moved.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Moved, what do you mean moved?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Well, have a look. They're moving.- Bollocks!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Is it the trains doing it?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20They did, they just moved.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Danny, go and have a look.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Four eyes, look at four eyes here.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27MUSIC: Intro to Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Bamber.- Oh, yeah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30It's Tom, he's stuck underneath.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- What, the tortoise?- Yeah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Well, get him out before the whole thing...
0:23:34 > 0:23:39THEY SCREAM
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Oh, my God.- Naughty bastard.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Look at my teapots!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50What am I going to do - sellotape 'em?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Yeah, I'd run away and all if I was you!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57We had to hide Tom away for two weeks
0:23:57 > 0:24:00after Dad swore he was going to turn his shell into a jelly mould.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And I daren't even guess what was going to happen to me.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Fred, he's in now.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Right, leave him to me.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Well, don't hurt him.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I know exactly what to do here. Are you all right now?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Well, I am now, but I shall never get over what I saw.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15FOOTSTEPS
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Where are you?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Your mother's been downstairs crying all day long
0:24:23 > 0:24:25cos of what she's seen round Nan's.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28She said it was like a fucking knocking shop round there.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You had your trousers round your ankles showing all you ain't got -
0:24:30 > 0:24:33who the fuck do you think you are, Joey Hendrix or whoever he's called?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Have you gone batchy? I've never heard anything like it
0:24:36 > 0:24:37in ALL MY LIFE!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39(Take no notice, son.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40(It's just for her, this.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42(I was the same at your age.)
0:24:42 > 0:24:43And you can go to bed hungry tonight!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Bollocks to your tea,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and bollocks to going out for the rest of the week and all.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49(Getting on all right, was you? Before she turned up?)
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Have you got that?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53You're in disgrace, you are. Don't forget it!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It was an incredible moment.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04That night, I realised we were both men of the world.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06So, anyway, there I was,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09finally waiting to witness this much-talked-about event
0:25:09 > 0:25:10in British theatre.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13MUSIC: From Hair The Musical
0:25:13 > 0:25:17And then, at that generation-defining moment,
0:25:17 > 0:25:18two things.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21First, I hadn't quite factored in
0:25:21 > 0:25:23that I'd be sitting next to my own sister...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31..and second, blokes.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34The cast was mainly blokes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43And then it happened...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45SLAP
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I'll say goodnight, then.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I said...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Well, did you see anything?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Just arses or did they run around?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32How was their orchestra stalls?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34HE LAUGHS
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Any of them keep their plimsolls on?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41MUSIC: Baba O'Riley by The Who
0:26:41 > 0:26:43If this was the counterculture,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45then give me Val Doonican,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47give me Pinky and Perky,
0:26:47 > 0:26:48but above all, right now,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50someone give me a flannel.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56After everything that had happened,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58we no longer felt like using Mud Island
0:26:58 > 0:27:00as an adventure playground.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I'd be careful where you tread in there.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Teddy!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It's his trademark!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23We never forgot our mate but, soon enough,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25we did find other uses for the old place.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Sharon finished with Colin not long after that night out.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33She said he wasn't her sort of bloke,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35which was exactly why Dad spoke to him the way he did.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37It was a test, and Colin had failed it.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38See you later.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Michael!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41My old man never missed a thing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# They say time will wait for no man
0:27:52 > 0:27:56# They say time is on my side
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# I can never make my mind up
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# As it all goes whizzing by
0:28:04 > 0:28:06# From the cradle to the grave
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# From the cradle to the grave
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# I know I won't be a slave
0:28:12 > 0:28:13# I know I won't be a slave... #