0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:14# They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# I can never make my mind up
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Cos it all goes whizzing by
0:00:21 > 0:00:27- # From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave
0:00:27 > 0:00:32- # I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- # To the mistakes that I made - From the cradle
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# And I won't go till I'm ready
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# From the cradle to the grave. #
0:00:45 > 0:00:47'In every man's life, there comes the moment
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'when his lemonade days are over,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.'
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Right, main thing is,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55don't make out like you've never been in a pub before.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Have your drink ready. Say it like it's usual.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Right, what you having?- Half a lager.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- What lager?- Harp.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- You?- Skol.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Guinness.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Large Scotch.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Oh! Scotch.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09All right, listen, you lot.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Just have that ready when you're asked, all right?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13All right, go. Go!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18MUSIC PLAYS PEOPLE CHATTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Right, what do you lot want?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- ALL AT ONCE:- Half a lager.- Skol. - Pint of Guinness.- Large Scotch.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Are you all old enough?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32How old are you?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Twenty...three.
0:01:36 > 0:01:3823.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40He's Micky Baker's brother.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Is Micky coming in tonight?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Um, yeah, I think so. Bit later on.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Go on, then. Say them again - one at a time.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Large Scotch, darling.- Guinness.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back.- Yeah?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04GROANING
0:02:04 > 0:02:07DOORBELL RINGS Danny!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11BELL RINGS DANNY GROANS
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Why can't Michael do it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Come on, hurry up! Danny!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24MUSIC: The Pusher by Steppenwolf
0:02:32 > 0:02:34KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Hello.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Southwark Insurance. Can I speak to your father, please?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Oh. No, he ain't in.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Now, I know he is. I've been working my way round the estate.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48No, no, honestly. He ain't in.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Listen, your father's payments are in arrears.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Erm...do...do you know when you might be back?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Next week. I'd try again next week, if I were you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Ta-ra! DOG BARKS
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Later, then. I'll sort it, Bet. I always do.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Fred?- Yeah?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23What have you done with my washing machine?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Right, right, listen. Thing is, don't do your nut.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29We've only had it a month! What have you done with it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending
0:03:31 > 0:03:33to sell our new washing machine,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38How you getting on with those semifinal tickets?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Leave it with me, Wal. Leave it with me. Oi, oi.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43MUSIC: Gene Genie by David Bowie
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Got me Scotch?- Got it. You got me fish?- Yep.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Got you 64 boxes.- 64?!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Got a freezer, ain't you?- No.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- What do you want for it? - What you got?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Table lamps?- Oh, be sensible.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- What about that Scotch you had? - It's gone.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Let's see.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- You like a bet, don't you?- Yeah.- How about half share in a greyhound?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09What greyhound?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- The old lady is. Why?- Cos I know where I can get one.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- That half a greyhound you own. - Oh, leave it out, Spud.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20I think it's died of old age!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Never mind old age. Can I have it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- For a washing machine? - For a washing machine.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33What's that smell?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Ah, another little treat for you under here.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Haddock - 64 boxes. GROANS:- Oh!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Good gear, that!- Oh, Fred!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Finest haddock. - They'll stink the house out!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have
0:04:52 > 0:04:53- any clean shirts! - SHE GROANS
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I'm just moving things round a bit. You know that's how I operate.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'll get you an even better one.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02How are you going to do that?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Well, we ain't been burgled for a while.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, no. Please, let's not have another burglary.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10- Who's going to pay us out, eh? - Danny!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Go find that insurance bloke and give him this.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Blimey, Mary. Where you off to?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, hello, Bet. Bill's taking me to Portugal.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Portugal?! - Yeah, we're away for four nights.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Blimey.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Here, where you off to? - Hello, Mrs Baker. Is Danny in?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Far as I know, love, yeah. - Don't be too long.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42What, you won the pools or something?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- No, we got a tax rebate.- Rebate?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Tax?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Mum and Dad had.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Ah, Beatrice.- New motor, Bill?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Yes. I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Pride of place at the British Museum. - BILL AND MARY LAUGH
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- How about some wine?- Wine?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06We don't drink wine in our house, Mary.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Well, we never used to either,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Bill got quite legless the other night.- How dare you!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- BILL AND MARY GIGGLE - Now, we must be off, Mary.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Well, have a lovely time.- Thank you!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24- Ta-ra!- Ta-ta.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Bye.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Now that we were hardened drinkers,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36There was the occasional bright spot, though.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37OK, please be seated.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Yes?- Sir, we already are seated, sir.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yeah. Yeah.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49what the subject of today's lesson is.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Langford does. - BOYS LAUGH
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Human reproduction.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Having it off. - BOYS CHEER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05OK, all right. All right!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Let's get this over and done with then. Any more you'd like to add?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Knobbing.- Get in! - BOYS LAUGH
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- We can do better than that, surely. - What your mum did.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Chapman, see me afterwards.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I'd like you to write down any questions you might have.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And please, don't put your name on them. This is entirely anonymous.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30QUIET GIGGLING
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Thank you. All right, let's see what we've got, shall we?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39"What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?"
0:07:39 > 0:07:40- UNDER BREATH:- This is for Langford!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44There is a...substance,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and slide passed each other very easily.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Next one - "Why is Langford a queer?"
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Just going to straight press on, thank you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"What is a fart?"
0:08:03 > 0:08:04THEY CHEER
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all
0:08:10 > 0:08:14to write the following phrase five...hundred...times.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16THEY ALL GROAN
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"The human body is...
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"..a wonderful instrument...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"..that deserves...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"..my respect."
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Sir, I can't see your writing. Can you stand to the left a bit, sir?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Bit more, sir. Can't see the first bit.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41HE MAKES POPPING SOUND RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:42What's so funny?
0:08:44 > 0:08:49Ignorance, boys. It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51THEY LAUGH
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Do you ever drink wine, Maur?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00What do you mean, wine?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well, you know. With your dinner and that.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- What, corn beef and chips? - SHE LAUGHS
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I don't mean now.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- No. Indoors. - Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- It's for when you go up West, ain't it?- And holidays.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15They had some in the hotel we was in last year.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- Where was that?- Bournemouth.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Do you like it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Well, we never had none of it. But they had it there.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes? - MAUR LAUGHS
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28WISTFULLY: Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Hello!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Is this supposed to be this far-fetched.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- It's called The Prisoner, Dad. You just go with it.- Go with it?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52BET SIGHS
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Wine? What you bought wine for?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Just thought it was time for a change.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Is this about that bastard washing machine?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I don't want things on the bubble. I want them...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09un-bubbled. Here. Permanent.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Get your feet off my settee. It's the only decent thing I've got.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine. It's not for us.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Just try some with me, will you?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Careful.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Oh, bollocks!- Oh!- Gone inside.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh, it's The Prisoner.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30'Getting a drink was hard enough,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly as hard.'
0:10:33 > 0:10:34What you doing?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Living the high life.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Like yourself.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Here you go.- Go easy. It's got to last.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Go on, get stuck in.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What do you reckon?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- It's lovely.- Yeah?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56What do you think?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- HIGH-PITCHED:- I don't think that screwdriver helped.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Oh, well, I like it. Makes a nice change.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Here, have you trod in something?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- He has!- Oh, Danny!- Danny!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Dirty bastard. Get out. Get out, go on. Animal.- Don't put it down.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Hop! Hop! Ugh. God's sake!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17What's that? Fish batter?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Oh.- It's his keys, ain't it?- Yeah.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- They fell off the counter at the chip shop! - Get a couple of gherkins with them?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25SMASHING Ah!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Well, this is a mad house! - Careful!- It's a mad house!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31This is what I'm talking about, Fred.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33The sofa's ruined.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I can't have nothing nice, can I?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Fred, I need a word. HE SIGHS
0:11:38 > 0:11:39'I am a free man!'
0:11:40 > 0:11:41What?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I...I feel like I...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I feel like we're on a roundabout...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Where do you want to go?- No!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04No, what I mean is...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06don't you think we're missing out on things?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08No. I don't.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Well, sometimes I do, Fred.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Like what?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19I don't know. Like...
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Like...like going away...to Portugal.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Portugal?!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- I couldn't think of anything worse! - Really?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Don't you want to...try anything different?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Meet any new people?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Not particularly, no.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42But if you want to, I'll give it a whack.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44What do you want to do?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Go away somewhere. Anywhere.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- For a little break, the two of us. - Where?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's
0:13:01 > 0:13:02every Saturday night?
0:13:09 > 0:13:15# Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze
0:13:16 > 0:13:21# Take some shelter beneath the trees
0:13:21 > 0:13:28# All of the summer the sun's beating down
0:13:28 > 0:13:33# Within the country of out of town
0:13:33 > 0:13:36# Happy days in the haze of summer...
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Here you go.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Keep the change, Chas.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44# We're going to take a break by the rolling sea
0:13:44 > 0:13:49# The perfect summer Just you and me. #
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Ooh. Oh.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Where's the light switch?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- What?- The light switch?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Well, it's gas, innit.- Gas?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yeah. It's all I could get last minute.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08There you go.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's not bad.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14No. It's all right.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- BET SIGHS HAPPILY - There.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- It's nice.- Cosy.- Yeah, cosy.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28MUSIC: Wigwam by Bob Dylan
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I thought they'd have a telly or something.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45A gas one?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Just the two of us, away from the estate.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58You got your wine.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02You still don't look happy, girl.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What is it, Bet? What you looking for?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Oh, mind me wine.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- Fred...- There's a spider making a web up there.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Huh.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45TYRES ON GRAVEL What's that?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it. Eh?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57DOOR OPENS
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Derek!- Spud!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What you doing here?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Are you just leaving? - No, we just arrived.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07But...we've got a week booked.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, my giddy aunt.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Yeah.- Dirty bastard!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- It's our anniversary!- Is it?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Well, you'd better come in then.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19We're double booked!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him
0:16:24 > 0:16:26after he poisoned that donkey.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Well, he had his reasons.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Yeah. Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Hello, Val!- Hi, Val.- Hi.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Happy anniversary, but... - Thanks, Bet.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37..where we supposed to sleep? On the roof?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, we'll be all right. Don't worry about that.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- We'll sort something out. - Yeah! We can sort this out.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Val, get the kids out the car.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Kids?- Kid's are here. Oh.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- KNOCK AT DOOR - Whay!- Who's this?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50- Wally!- Ahhh!- Evening, all!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- It's Wally!- Hello, hello.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- RAUCOUS LAUGHTER - You got a bottle opener?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I had no idea! I had no idea.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Oh, well... I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And, you know, obviously...you know, they were passing.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- You know, and they're here! - HE LAUGHS
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val
0:17:19 > 0:17:20and the kids are in with us, eh?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Well, we'll sort something out.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Don't worry about it. We'll be all right. We'll hatch up.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27We'll hatch up!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Get it down your neck, me old son. - That's it!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31- DANNY:- With Mum and Dad away,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's no good, you playing these records. I can't relax.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44No, it's all right. They're all down the caravan.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Dymchurch? Everyone goes there.- Yeah.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Anyway, so come on. What's this surprise you've got for me, then?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Oh, yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.'
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- What's this?- This is Guinness, that's a pale ale.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Which one do you want?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I'm not a stevedore.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07It's all I could get!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- It'll get us drunk. - SHE SIGHS UNHAPPILY
0:18:10 > 0:18:11How revolting.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I don't want to get drunk.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is that what this is all about?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Just think it's time that we grow up a bit.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Time one of us grew up a bit.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'll go watch some telly downstairs.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Cinzano?
0:18:33 > 0:18:41# Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
0:18:41 > 0:18:45# Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# Roll out those... #
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Maybe I've figured it out.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53The kids can kip in Derek's car,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Derek and... Yeah! ..Derek and Val,
0:18:55 > 0:18:56they can kip in the bed behind the curtain.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's their anniversary. No privacy, right?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01And me and you...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Whay-hey! - CHEERING
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Look who's here!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- What are you all doing here? - What's going on, eh?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- You booked it for the week?- Yeah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Don't tell me - Joey Churcher.- Yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- ALL:- Dirty bastard!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Give that man a glass, Wal. Give him a glass.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22You all right over there? There you go!
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Come on, Bet - cheer up! Imagine there's a war on.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yeah. There might as well be
0:19:28 > 0:19:31cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Nah! LOUD CRACKING
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- THEY ALL YELL - Oh!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42THEY CHEER LOUDLY
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Joey Churcher...- ALL:- Dirty bastard!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- THEY LAUGH Oh, my God!- Oh, my goodness.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that.- Did he?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, thanks for this.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- What is it again? - Rose wine. You'll like it.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Yeah. Well, I like the little basket. - Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09And you can pop a candle in the top there.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Yeah? Does that keep it fresh?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13After you've drank it, you soppy cow!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- It's romantic! - SHE LAUGHS
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Oh, I don't know, Mary. It's a whole different world.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- I could use the company. - Yeah? Where you going?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31That sounds marvellous.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Oh, you've obviously never been to one.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39# For once in my life I have someone who needs me
0:20:39 > 0:20:41# Someone I've needed so... #
0:20:41 > 0:20:43This is a bit more near the mark, eh?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54All right, love. Hope that's had all its injections.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- HE LAUGHS Ease up a bit Fred, eh?- What?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned
0:21:03 > 0:21:05'about the many and varied advantages
0:21:05 > 0:21:07'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Lads, lads, we've got a ladder!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Put it down!- Don't drop it!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Whay-hey!- Whaaaay!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- Leave it out.- Oh, come on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Here, 'scuse me, Chas. Where'd you get your skimmish?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Your drink?- Waiters are bringing it round, Fred.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37And don't call everybody Chas.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Well, I'm just...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road...
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty. I'm screeching.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56I'm sure they don't, Fred.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Mackeson.- Mackeson's. - I'll have a bitter.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Pint of lager.- Lager.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You're not going to leave me on my own, are you?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- ..the Sarson's Vinegar factory... - Won't be a minute.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08..in Mombasa Street.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Your husband...he's quite a character, isn't he?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19We both run a stationers
0:22:19 > 0:22:24and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Is that right?- How on earth could he do that and still make money?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Oh...he...moves things around.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Good evening, everyone. I hope you're enjoying yourselves.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Now, I know most people here,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but I don't believe we've had the pleasure?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh, uh, Bet. Erm...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Elizabeth Baker. - Very pleased to meet you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening.- Congratulations.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I've got a little something planned for later on
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- that I'm hoping you can all be part of.- Oh, right!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Enjoy the rest of the evening.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening
0:22:56 > 0:22:59best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time".
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Can we ditch it now?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- BOY LAUGHS - Brilliant!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09There we are.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Whaaay!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- ALARM SOUNDS - Shit!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14What we going to do?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Let's just wait here and just explain what happened.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Bollocks to that. Let's just run!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21But we can't just run. This is bad.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Give us me wallet. - You want your wallet?- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Yeah? Go and get it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31What have you done?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Just go and get it, Trev. Just go...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46'Drink had little effect on Dad.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49'He was like this most of the time anyway.'
0:23:49 > 0:23:52BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'But for Mum, it was a different story.'
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Enjoying it, Bet? - Well, Fred certainly is.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- THEY CHUCKLE - I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Right, come on girls, drink up. - Mary!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Ugh!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I have always wanted to do that. Come on!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Two dwarfs in a brothel...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Where have you been?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Outside with the girls.- Oh, yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, well. Not made of wood.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight
0:24:30 > 0:24:33is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39It's our silver wedding anniversary!
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Aww.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife
0:24:44 > 0:24:47to join me for our very own anniversary waltz.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- This is it. This is it.- What's what?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54BAND PLAYS A DREARY WALTZ
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by.- Shh! Fred.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07This is the big moment he's got planned for her.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- What's that?- He wants us all in on it.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- Come on!- Bet.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Bet!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Come back.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42THEY MOUTH SILENTLY
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Excuse me.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Bet!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Bet!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- You all right? - I thought he was waving me on!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I've made such a fool out of myself.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24It's all right. They're all laughing in there.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, are they? Oh, great.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Great!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Come on, let's go back in.- No, Fred!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Oh, take me home.- Really?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Come on. Fucking hell.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41What were you thinking?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I don't know. He came over, he said
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in."
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I thought that's what he meant!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- ALARM SOUNDS - Come on, Trev.- Be careful!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52You can do it..
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- This ain't happening.- Hurry up!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57OTHERS CHEER
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Go on, Coxy!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Whoa! Ho-ho!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04'It had been a sobering night all round,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06'and we'd all learned a few lessons -
0:27:06 > 0:27:10'Mum, me...and poor old Trevor Cox.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I'm going to kill you, Churcher!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15HE PANTS
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I've found it!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- LAUGHTER - See you later, Trev!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34SIREN WAILS
0:27:34 > 0:27:36FRED SIGHS
0:27:36 > 0:27:38You got it all out your system, then?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- What?- All that dream world?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- I suppose so.- Hmm.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55No, straight. I made some lovely connections there.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Connections?- Yeah.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Shoes, handbags, Port.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Are you serious?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12You were right, you know.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It's good to meet new people.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# They say time will wait for no man
0:28:35 > 0:28:39# They say time is on my side
0:28:40 > 0:28:44# I can never make my mind up
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# Cos it all goes whizzing by
0:28:47 > 0:28:53- # From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- # I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave... #