0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# They say time will wait for no man
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# They say time is on my side
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# I can never make my mind up
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Cos it all goes whizzing by
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# From the cradle to the grave
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# From the cradle to the grave
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# I know I won't be a slave
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# I know I won't be a slave
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# To the mistakes that I've made
0:00:35 > 0:00:36# From the cradle
0:00:36 > 0:00:42# And I won't go till I'm ready from the cradle to the grave. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- So we're calling the band either... - Thunderkok.- Spelt K-O-K.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Typhlosion...
0:00:48 > 0:00:49No, that's rubbish.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Smallpox. Risk.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Oi, Baker, what's a good name for a band?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Er... Bench Full Of Wankers?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Where you been?- Where've I been? Ask me where I've been.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02He's just asked you that, Baker!
0:01:02 > 0:01:07All right, I'll tell you where I've been. Been in the dark room.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08With Miss Blondel.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09With the red light on?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Red light right on.- And?- Not going to tell you load of wergins, am I?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16You went in the dark room with Miss Blondel.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- With the red light on? - You never grabbed hold of her.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20All right, I never grabbed hold of her.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24So what was I doing in there with her, then? Learning how to develop photos?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- So when you think it's had long enough in the developer...- Mm-hm?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29..pop it quickly into the fix.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Um...- Yes.- Whoa!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- OK.- And now to the water.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40That's it, now you hang it up to dry. Well done.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55MUSIC: FRENCH 12-BAR POP SONG
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, la la!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15SHE LAUGHS
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Look at your face!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22No need to be embarrassed. I'm not.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24It's photography, Danny.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Is it even worth giving you the speech about the difference
0:02:27 > 0:02:29between smut and art?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Er...
0:02:35 > 0:02:39I...I want to do more photography, miss.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40What are you doing?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Because I...really like you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Louise.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- So what have you heard, then? - Heard?- Come on.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03About me, whatever it is, I'm sure it's just nonsense
0:03:03 > 0:03:04but I'd like to hear it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Well, I, I heard about you and... Mark Stitch.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Wow. Mark.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Yeah. In here.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14In here?
0:03:15 > 0:03:21Listen, I saw Mark a few times.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25But that was after he left school and certainly not in here.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I could never have a relationship with a schoolboy, Danny.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You must know that.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34No schoolboys?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37No matter how cute they are.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What's she look like, stripped off?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'm not going to answer that, that's...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- That's just smut.- Oh, smut!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49On your mother's life,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53in that dark room - you saw Miss Blondel with nothing on?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, I did, on my mother's life. I did.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01MUSIC: Right Place, Wrong Time by Dr John
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Miss Blondel...
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Boys? Got something for you.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20- What you showing us?- You know they have readers' wives, all right? Well, this is the new thing.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"One For The Ladies." It's the blokes, right? It's the husbands.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Look at the state of him. Now, look, look.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Does that or does that not look like Eddie Cook to you?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32How can you tell with his eyes blacked out like that?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Oh, come on. It's a ringer, innit? 'Ere, Spud.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- What?- Have a look at that.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, good Gawd, what's that?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40What's the matter with you lot?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42What you looking at this for? What's...? What's...?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"A pulsing round-up of this week's hottest dongs." Leave off!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Don't show me something like that first thing in the morning.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51No. No, look again - who does that look like?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Look like? That IS Eddie Cook.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- LAUGHTER - I told you!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58How can you be so sure? Look, you can't even see his face.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01No. But that's his kitchen wallpaper for starters.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And look at that there. See that there, between his legs?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08That's the urn with his old man's ashes in it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Straight up!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm always telling him he keeps it too close to the tea caddy.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15What's he gone in for that for, the soppy git? What's all that about?
0:05:15 > 0:05:1725 quid, it says here.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Then again, speaking of sausages...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Here, Spud. Have you seen someone's wiped your name off the board?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Yeah, there's some bastards around, ain't there?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Put it back up, cos someone's taking the right piss out of you.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Making out you're a quitter.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Spud?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I took it down, and that's the end of it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44And anyone who wants to keep going on about it can say hello to a right-hander.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- What's happened, Spud?- What did I just say about keeping on?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I'm not keeping on. I'm enquiring.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Fucking hell, Spud.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Here, we could all do with three grand
0:05:55 > 0:05:57but we're still hanging onto our jobs.
0:05:57 > 0:06:002,200. That's what I got.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Went up to three the next day. Go on, laugh if you like.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Spud, you need to get up and put your name back on the board.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- You're a docker. - It's too late. I took the money.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19And I've got something else lined up.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21But aren't you even regretting it?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Beside the point.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I'm sure Eddie Cook's regretting not redecorating his kitchen.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30It looks like we've both been found out today...dunnit?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36'Two numbers tonight from Nazareth...'
0:06:36 > 0:06:38'I was hopelessly in love with Miss Blondel.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40'Oh, I knew what love was all right.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46'In my fantasies, I had already been married twice before the age of 12.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50'My first fantasy bride was Cilla Black.'
0:06:50 > 0:06:56Do you, Cilla "Step Inside Love" Black, from BBC One, take Danny to
0:06:56 > 0:07:01be your husband, and be with him all the time, even in the bath and that?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02- I really, really do.- Ah!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09# You're my world You're every breath I take... #
0:07:09 > 0:07:13'I thought Cilla and I were going to be together forever.'
0:07:13 > 0:07:15# I see the stars...#
0:07:15 > 0:07:18'But then on holiday, Dad took us to see Anita Harris.'
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I'd like to sing next one of my favourite songs.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's called The Anniversary Waltz.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27'And I fell in love again.'
0:07:27 > 0:07:32But before I do, I want to find a young man to sing it to.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You there, what's your name?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Danny. - Well, Dennis - this one's for you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45# Tell me I may always dance
0:07:47 > 0:07:52# The anniversary waltz with you... #
0:07:56 > 0:08:00'So Anita Harris became my second fantasy wife.'
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Do you, Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris, whom so many other people
0:08:04 > 0:08:08would love to be marrying, take this man, Dennis Baker...
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- Danny!- Yes - to be your lawfully wedded husband?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Even in the bath and that.- Indeed. - I do.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18And do you take Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- to be your next Cilla Black?- I do.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Are you going to be all right, Cilla?- Oh, yeah.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I'm just about to vanish from his life with an audible pop.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29AUDIBLE POP
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Life is perfect.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37'But Miss Blondel was no fantasy - she was only too real!'
0:08:37 > 0:08:38DOG BARKS
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Get out of my way, you four-legged ponce.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I'm sure you're going senile.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- I've had a nightmare, Bet... Where's your mother?- Upstairs.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What you watching?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It's Old Grey Whistle Test but the tracking's all over the place.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Fucking thing's up the spout. It's a monstrosity. Bet!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59MUSIC: Silver Dollar Forger by Nazareth
0:09:03 > 0:09:05What you got there - dirty picture?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07No, it's just Old Grey Whistle Test.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09What? Where's your father?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Upstairs looking for you. - What's going on here?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13- Where you been?- Where you been?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Don't start, Bet. I've had a bastard morning.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Told the blokes at work, then?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Yeah. Yeah.- How did they take it?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24How d'you think they took it? They think I'm crackers.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Why? No different from all the others who took the money.- I am!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Two weeks ago, I was threatening to throw blokes in the drink just for talking about it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'm a turncoat, Bet. I'm a turncoat.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34No, you are not. You are doing what you've always done,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- you're putting your family first. - Am I?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Blimey, Fred, you've always said a job's just a job.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Now look at you. - I know but I feel exposed.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Like I'm walking around without any trousers, like Eddie Cook.- Eh?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'll tell you later.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Look. Sod your mates at work.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Your daughter is going to have the wedding she's always wanted
0:09:53 > 0:09:57because of what you've done and you should be proud of that.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Blimey, Fred. You ain't had your wits removed.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You can still earn a living.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11You're right. I'm acting like a Mary-Ann.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So things are going to change. So what?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15That's what life's all about. Keeps you on your toes.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Life is risk, Bet, it's a gamble.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20If you're bold - you get your rewards.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Take a jump in the dark and move on.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yeah, Dad, I want to leave school.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Balls to that.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You're staying right where you are and that's the end of it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# Sweet home Alabama... #
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- So what did your old man say? - He said I can do what I want.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He'll back me up all the way.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Why would you want to leave now? No-one leaves at Easter.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Just wait till summer like the rest of us.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Well, I wanna leave now. Got things I want to do.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45SOMEONE you want to do.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Yeah, well, I got two birds I can charver any time I like
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and they ain't old.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53There's only four days till the end of term, Dan.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Yeah?- So, in four days, you're not going to be one of us any more?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01'Be bold - a jump in the dark.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05'that's what Dad had said and he was right.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'Meanwhile, inspired by Mum's pep talk,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12'he was already exploring new career opportunities.'
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Rag and BO-NEEE-ER!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18'His old mate Tony The Totter had agreed to give him a try-out.'
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oi, love. Is this yours? You tossing all this out?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23The council said to leave it there till they come and collect it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Council? That'll lay there for weeks, that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- I'll take it off your hands. - What you going to give me for it?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32What I'll give you for it - access to my body 24 hours a day.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Hey-hey!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- That's all right, innit? - Good man, Spud.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43MUSIC: Haywire by Squeeze
0:11:46 > 0:11:48DANNY: 'Dad wasn't afraid of hard work
0:11:48 > 0:11:50'and he didn't care what people thought.'
0:11:55 > 0:11:59# I'm thinking about the images stored in my memory bank... #
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Walk on.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07# I'm lost inside a paradise, my mind goes all blank... #
0:12:07 > 0:12:09This is the life!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11You were born to it, Spud.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14We'll have you out in your own cart in no time.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I think this game is going to suit me right down to the ground.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Life on the open road! - THEY LAUGH
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- Oh, you dirty bastard.- Ooh! - Dirty bastard.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Ever thought about doing this in a van?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What you doing?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Bagging it up.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Them big houses in Eltham will pay good money for it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Go on.- Always stop for it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's like leaving pound notes lying in the road.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55DANNY: 'The family's social standing was a bit more important to Mum.'
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Hello, Bill. - Miss Elizabeth Taylor, upon my soul!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07One so precious should not be left at the mercy of the 199
0:13:07 > 0:13:11to Catford Garage - allow me to convey you back to the film set.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Oh, lovely, yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Elizabeth Taylor? I like that!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh, I been on me feet all day, packing bleeding Bourbon biscuits.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, this is luxurious, Bill.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27A reward for honest endeavour, Beatrice.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Speaking of which, I haven't seen Brother Baker for a couple of weeks - is he gainfully employed?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oh, he's working, yeah.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36High Court Judge? Standing for parliament?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I know they're looking for a new James Bond!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41He's in, er, commerce.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Commerce?- Yeah, you know, buying and selling.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Ah, so he's joined my world.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Something like that, yeah.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Rag-a-bo-oone!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57DANNY: 'The old man loved being a totter.'
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# Take it easy... #
0:14:00 > 0:14:03DANNY: 'But there was one thing he always looked for in a job.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05'What he called "scope".'
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Manure?- You what, love?- Manure? - Totter?- Manure?- I was here first!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10'And it didn't take him long to realise
0:14:10 > 0:14:13'that the demand for horse manure in the well-to-do neighbourhoods
0:14:13 > 0:14:16'far outstripped his old nag's capacity to supply it.'
0:14:16 > 0:14:17For my roses.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Please!- Whoa, steady.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21'What followed was inevitable.'
0:14:21 > 0:14:27# Marta, rambling rose of the wild wood
0:14:27 > 0:14:28# Marta... #
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Whoa!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# With your fragrance divine... #
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- All right, Tony!- Spud.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Whoa! I've got 14 sheets of corrugated iron on there.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Give us me whack before I go, cos I need it.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Spud.- What?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44There's been a complaint.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- What?- For the first time in the history of this yard,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50somebody has returned a bag of our horse manure.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Because it was packed out with rubble!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Now I've worked that area of Eltham all my life.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00And now you've ruined it on us. They don't want us back there.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I was just trying to spin it out a bit further, Tony.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04He only goes once a day.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05It's shit, Spud.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08How can you try and swindle people out of shit?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11HORSE NEIGHS
0:15:13 > 0:15:15One for the road?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18MUSIC: Fool For a Cigarette by Ry Cooder
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's your fault.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24# Mmm, I'm a fool for a cigarette
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Lord, I'm a fool for a cigarette... #
0:15:34 > 0:15:35It don't make no sense.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38How can you be fired from being a rag-and-bone man?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- You didn't like me doing it anyway!- No, I didn't.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It's bleeding embarrassing. I been telling people all sorts.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46But why has everything got to be a racket?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I'm surprised you didn't sell the horse.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Can I remind you why I was doin' it in the first place?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56What about Sharon, the wedding she wanted? What about being proud?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Fred! You were never going to pay for it with what came out of an horse's arse, were you?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And this is just what you are like.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Everything has got to be bent.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Well, what d'you want me to be - a copper? - That wouldn't be a bad idea.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09You're losing your self-control.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And you are losin' your self-respect.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Don't you look at me like that.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- I'd take a tenner for you right now. - DOG WHINES
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I've only ever seen Yvonne cry once, at the end of Butch Cassidy.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You've been going out with her ages. What you going to say to her?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Well, it's not easy to break a girl's heart, Tom,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32but I think, in the long run, she'll see I'm actually just being kind.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Have you got a plan? - I'm going to go round, see if she fancies going up the Wimpy,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39and have one last great night together before I tell her.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41She'll be upset but Yvonne's just a girl.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I need a woman now, I'm not...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Danny!- Hello, darling.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Don't "darling" me. So you're going out with this school teacher, then?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Where d'you hear that? - Only from about 100 people cos
0:16:51 > 0:16:53you've been telling everyone you're having it off with her.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- I haven't.- You have. It's what you told everyone about me.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Just make sure you remember to take your school cap off
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- while you're doing it.- I don't know what you're talking about.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- Tommy, you know about this, don't ya?- About what?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Go away. You're useless, you are. Anyway - I'm finishing with you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Tony Gooch asked me out. He's from the co-op. I really fancy him. So...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Tony Gooch. I don't know him.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You don't have to, do you, darling?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17D'you want to go up the Wimpy?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No. No, I don't.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22And I don't want you to talk to me or even look at me ever again,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24do you understand? Good! See you, then!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38She's brilliant, ain't she?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Mind if I go out with her?
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Fuck off, Tom!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48'Unemployed again, Dad was missing the old gang.'
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- That's all she was bothered about. - Hey, we miss ya, Spud, straight we do.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Did I ever tell you the totter's story? Listen to this.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58'Ere, we've got to get back. It's quarter to three.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00No, it'll only take a minute. It'll only take a minute.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Save it, Spud, save it. We'll be back at six. See ya later.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Ta-ra.- Tell you what, Spud. You've got nothing else to do -
0:18:07 > 0:18:09you might as well have a kip in here.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19- HEADMASTER:- 'Another year behind us...'
0:18:19 > 0:18:22'As for me, I was still wrestling with myself.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'Should I stay or should I go?'
0:18:25 > 0:18:28..so a big thank you to Mr Glover and the football team.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31APPLAUSE
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Sorry we couldn't organise the open-top bus, Mr Glover.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41ONE PERSON LAUGHS
0:18:41 > 0:18:45But now before Jeremy Langford reads us his specially written poem
0:18:45 > 0:18:46"The Term of My Life"...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48WANKER!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Oh, poem!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Fine, settle, settle down, please!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I would ask any remaining boys who will be leaving us this week
0:18:54 > 0:18:56to come forward and place their release forms,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59which must be signed by their parents, on the desk here.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08# When I
0:19:11 > 0:19:14# Hold my hand out...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# I saw... #
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Oh!
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Oh, you frightened the life out of me - I thought you was a ghost.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Yeah. I think I am!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Murder, innit, Spud? Being out.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Worst day's work I've ever done in my life.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43What was I thinking?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Fancy a pint?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Nah, I can't - I got too much to do preparing for tomorrow morning.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Not you and all.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54You'll sort something out, Spud.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I'm struggling. Straight up, I'm struggling.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- And the real...- Oh, bloody hell.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05All right, old type, what you lot doing hiding in here?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Here, Wally, who have you come as?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I'm the killer gorilla in a Perspex hat - who says so?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I say so, and that's that.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What, you doorman down the Regal now?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No, the Royal Division Of Commissionaires, Spud.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The official custodian for the magnificent new executive
0:20:19 > 0:20:22establishment now standing on the site formerly known as
0:20:22 > 0:20:25the old Tobacco Dock.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You used to work at Tobacco Dock.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Still do, Spud. Still do, but now it's known as Ottawa House,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33headquarters of the Royal Bank of Canada.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36And my job is to keep out riff-raff like you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Now that's a turncoat.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm only playing - what's the matter with you?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42All the lads are at it - all the chaps are down here.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44You've got Geoff Kelly. Danny Marney.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Keefy Pace - I mean, half the West India Dock have joined the RDC now.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53- So, what do you do?- Well, we're 50% security, 50% messenger boy,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and 50% right at it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Now, Alfie, I've got six gross of skinless chipolatas,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02generously if unwittingly donated by my esteemed employers.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Lovely, I'll sort you out later down the pub.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05What, there's scope?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Scope, Spud? Scope?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It's like the wild fucking west, my old son.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Next best thing to the docks, this is.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah, how d'you get in the swim?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16All you need is a clean Army record.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Well, that's me out of it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Spent all my National Service on the run.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Spud.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Let me put it another way, my old son.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27All you need is to get hold of a clean Army record.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I've got a good Army record - Vera Lynn, White Cliffs Of Dover.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Not now, Alfie. Not now.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Not now, Alf.- What if I could get hold of one, then?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Well, then, I would propose you, one of the chaps would second you,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I'll take you down to get measured up for the old, er, uniform.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I think that could be arranged, Woody. I think that could be arranged.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Well, in that case, Fredrick, my old China,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46welcome to the RDC, sire.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Hey, hey!- Hey, hey!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52# We are the soldiers of the Queen, my lads
0:21:52 > 0:21:56# Who've been, my lads, and seen, my lads
0:21:56 > 0:21:59# We'll fight for England's glory
0:21:59 > 0:22:02# And we'll show them what we mean. #
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Whoa-ho!- Where you going, Spud?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06To war, Alfie. To war!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14And so, fellow pupils As we race to finish
0:22:14 > 0:22:16We are strengthened by knowing we were schooled
0:22:16 > 0:22:17In fair West Greenwich.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oh, fair...!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23ALL: Boo!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26CLAPPING PETERS OUT
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Well, I'm, I'm sure that has all of you asking -
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- just what will the next year bring? - I'm not.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yes, right, settle.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41MUSIC: Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Right, so members of staff will also be leaving us at term's end,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46eight of them all told and I'm sure we all wish them well
0:22:46 > 0:22:50with the various professions that they've chosen.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52And for many of you, there will be challenges...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Baker, where you goin'?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57..to meet, new mountains...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Baker, will you sit down? I haven't finished yet.- I have.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02ALL: Ooh!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Right, Baker. Baker? Baker, come back here!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- You are still a pupil at this school.- No, I'm not.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:18All, right, quiet. Quiet! No, quiet. Sit...no! Quiet!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Come on, lads!- Quiet!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Quiet, please.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27'This was great. I felt liberated.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31'Then it occurred to me - what was I going to tell him indoors?'
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Shit!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39'My solution was simple - I wouldn't tell them anything.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:40See you.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Oh, hold on. Nearly forgot.- What?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46It's Friday. You've got woodwork. Nearly forgot your apron.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Of course.- Forget your head if it weren't screwed on.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah. Bye.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57'Today at last, I was going to show Miss Blondel
0:23:57 > 0:23:59'I was not a little schoolboy any more.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03'But before I could see her in class, I first had to go to church.'
0:24:07 > 0:24:11FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL GROOVE
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Baker, where's your uniform?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- I...left. Remember? - Oh, yes. What are you doing here?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I've come back again, you know - stay in touch, Ronald.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Seems to me a lot of you boys leave one day
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and return the next just for the simple thrill
0:24:48 > 0:24:52of calling my staff and I by our Christian name - am I right?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53No...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Ronald.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57On your way, Baker.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00You can call me Danny!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL GROOVE CONTINUES
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Where's Louise?
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Who?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Miss Blondel.- In the dark room.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Oh. Hi, er...Miss Blondel.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Hello, Danny.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:25:44 > 0:25:48So - is there anything you want?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Er, yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I was just wondering, er...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00HE LOWERS HIS VOICE ..what you were doing at lunchtime?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Having my lunch, I expect.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Er, yeah. Yeah. Of course.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Now if you don't mind, I do have a class to take, Danny.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Merci.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Oh, very nice, Louis.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14You need some green, right?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You do know I have left school now?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yes. I know.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27Let me see, because this green is a bit...this colour is a bit fading.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Do you want to use the yellow? Yeah? OK.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35MUSIC: All The Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# All the young dudes... #
0:26:41 > 0:26:42'What had I done?'
0:26:43 > 0:26:48# Boogaloo dudes carry the news... #
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Hello, Baker.- Hello, Neil.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# They say time will wait for no man
0:26:57 > 0:27:02# They say time is on my side
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# I can never make my mind up
0:27:06 > 0:27:12# As it all goes whizzing by from the cradle to the grave
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# From the cradle to the grave
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# I know I won't be a slave
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# I know I won't be a slave
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# To the mistakes that I've made... #