0:00:05 > 0:00:11This programme contains strong language.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45MUSIC: Pinball by Brian Protheroe
0:00:59 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER BEHIND WALL
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Oi! Shut your row up, this time of night!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Where are you?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I don't know...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- Who was you shouting at? - Load of yobbos, out the back.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Keeping your cap on?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You what?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, God.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36There you go.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38What you doing out there, anyway?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I thought I heard someone throwing a wallet over the back wall.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46So...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48are we going to sleep, or what?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51217 invites we sent out for this wedding.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54How many do you reckon came back "yes"?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Did you hear what I said?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, Fred, I'm busy.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00God... I might as well put me cap back on.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04216 - out of 217.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08So, that's all your severance pay from the dock gone.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Oh, well. That's what it's there for.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What we going to do after the wedding?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15What are we going to do for money then?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Who's the one that ain't coming?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, it's all right, it's one of mine -
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Keith Stepney, driver from work.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Do I know him?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Wife left him for the boxer.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Oh, him - that long ponce.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30His wife might have left him, but his wallet never has.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Spent a night with him in the pub - he never bought one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Oh, Fred. He's a lovely bloke. - Phew! Is he?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Is that why his missus is doing 15 rounds with another geezer?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42His Sandra's getting married the same day as Sharon.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Well, good luck to anyone going to that -
0:02:46 > 0:02:49they'll probably toast the bride with tap water.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- DOOR SHUTS DOWNSTAIRS - That's Michael home.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, at least tap water goes round.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02We'll have the best of everything, girl. Don't you worry about that.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Your husband is in the Royal Division Of Commissionaires.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07We live to serve.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10# We are the soldiers of the Queen, my lad... #
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh, stop singing that, stop it!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You ain't in them yet.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16And you won't be neither,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20unless you can get hold of somebody else's bleeding war record.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I've got that under control. It's as good as in me hand.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Yeah? Well, I've got a good idea
0:03:25 > 0:03:27what you've got in your hand right now -
0:03:27 > 0:03:28and I don't trust that, neither.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- Now, that has seen some action! - LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Whoa!- Fred!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Down from under, set hanging! - FRED LAUGHS
0:03:39 > 0:03:43'In common with all council house lighting of the 1970s,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46'it was like a night game at Wembley Stadium in my bedroom.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50'And my brother Michael saw it as his duty to wake me up
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- 'when he came in from the pub.' - Danny?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Psst!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56DANNY GROANS
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I got a little present for you.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I bought you a bowl of winkles.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05And here's a pin, to get them out with.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- What the f... Oh, shit! - Five...four...three...two...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Let me out! You've gone mad! - three... two...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13One!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- What the bleeding hell's going on? - He's got a bomb!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- A bomb?- It ain't a bomb.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Oh! Oh, my good God...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Have you been out with Peter Tulloch? - Yeah. How did you know?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Peter found it by the railway line -
0:04:25 > 0:04:27they've been frightening everyone down the Red Cow with it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- You took a hand grenade into a pub? - It's a dud -
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- and it ain't mine, anyway.- How do you know it's a bleeding dud?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Cos we pulled the pin out, threw it and nothing happened.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Peter reckons it come off a film set or something.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Well, give it back to him, just get rid of it.- What's going on in here?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I could have been fast a-kip out there.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It weren't your lot making all that noise round the back, was it?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Oh, that? That was Nitty Knight - lobbed his wallet over the wall.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49What did I tell you? Nothing else sounds like it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- He's brought home a hand grenade! - He's what? Well, you -
0:04:52 > 0:04:54don't be bringing home no hand grenades!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And you - stop being a grass!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And settle down. He's got school in the morning.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'Ah, yes. School.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05'I still hadn't quite got round to telling Mum and Dad I'd left.'
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Don't forget your alarm clock.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11'In order to join the Royal Division Of Commissionaires,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14'Dad needed to be able to produce a good war record.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19'Unfortunately, his own was mostly stamped with the initials "A-W-O-L".'
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Hello, Jean? Apple tart.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No? All right. Apple pie?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30No? Apples and pears?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Look, Jean - it's Spud.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What is the poxy password?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Toffee apple? Right. Toffee apple, then.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I'm coming round.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46'He'd heard that the brother of a small-time local villain
0:05:46 > 0:05:50'called Shaky Young had recently died, and he sensed an opening.'
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Who is it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Fuck's sake, Jean - I just put the phone down to you.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Come in, Freddie.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04'Shaky was officially on the run, after escaping from the nick.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07'Everybody - everybody knew where he was hiding out.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09'But nobody was allowed to tell him that.'
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Is he in?- What do you think?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14He's been up there 14 months now, Fred -
0:06:14 > 0:06:17he only had three left on his sentence.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18THREE BUZZES
0:06:18 > 0:06:19What's that?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- TWO BUZZES - He has to have his routine.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Good job I'm his sister. No wife would stand for it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- THREE BUZZES - That's ridiculous.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32You coming down?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Fuck off.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Go on.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40What, you...?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44I don't believe this.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You all right?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52- Help me, help me!- Come on...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Shaky, meet me halfway!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58You want to try doing it with a plate of food in your hand!
0:06:58 > 0:07:02MUSIC: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# When are you going to come down?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09# When are you going to land?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12# I should have stayed on the farm
0:07:12 > 0:07:16# Should have listened to my old man. #
0:07:16 > 0:07:18How did you find me?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- You what?- Who gave me up? Was it Bill Drake?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- What?- Jimmy Martin? Eric Hannon?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- No.- Micky Benacki?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Gary Wiltshire?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Frankie Wilkinson?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Terry Butt?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Bertie Burkett?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Fucking hell, Shaky. Who don't know you're up here?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36It's a select band, Spud. Only those who need to know.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37- Come on, who was it? - No-one told me!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Spud, I need a name, or you can go home right now.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Was it Freddie Jones? - No, it was...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- ..Teddy Williams.- Teddy Williams!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49That grass! I knew it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That no-good, bean-spilling bast...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Hang on, who's Teddy Williams?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I don't know, I just made the name up.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It don't matter, Shaky, honest. Your secret's safe with me.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I just come up here to talk to you about something.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You tell that Teddy Williams I don't like grasses.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I may be stuck up here, but my reach is long.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I just came to say I'm sorry to hear about your Billy passing away.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Billy...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Broke my heart.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17We was close, up until our twenties,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19and then all of a sudden, he's gone straight.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Got a job on the cards - moved to a big house in Cockfosters.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26None of us could understand what went wrong.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Yeah, well... That's what money does to some people, Shake.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- CLANG, SPLASH - Oh, for fuck's sake. What's that?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- That's me wash bucket. - Oh, right. Thank God for that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Where's the...other one?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38It's up there.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What's it doing up there?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I kept kicking it over - and Jeanie sleeps underneath.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- How can you live like this? - Like what?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Stuck up here in the pitch-black, 14 months?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Can't go nowhere, can't see no-one, do anything?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Banging your head on a bucket of shit every ten minutes?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Spud, I value my freedom.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03So, will you be going to Billy's funeral?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05No, I can't risk it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It was my birthday last week, I never even come down for that.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Your birthday? It's the same as mine, February.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Eh? Where are we now, then?- June!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18March, April, May, June...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Oh, right. It's a leap year.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Well, it's going to be hard then,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24putting Billy in the ground without me being there. But what can I do?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27There's reward money out for me, Spud - did you know that?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30You tell that Teddy Williams - if anything happens to me,
0:09:30 > 0:09:31I know who to come looking for.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Look, if you could go to Billy's funeral, would you go?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Oh, I'd give anything to go. Anything.- Yeah?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, there might be something we can do here, Shaky.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Your Billy - he fought in Aden, didn't he?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Yeah. He's got medals and everything.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47He was mentioned in dispatches twice.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50'It had been a week since I'd left school
0:09:50 > 0:09:52'to start a hot romance with my teacher -
0:09:52 > 0:09:54'the amazing Miss Blondel -
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'but she'd made no attempt to contact me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58'It was as if I'd imagined the whole thing.'
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Now, this is a photo.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Young man at a crossroads".
0:10:02 > 0:10:04CAMERA CLICKS
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Still interested in photography, Danny?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Oh, yes, miss.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I was just walking about, taking some shots.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20That was awkward, last week.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21What?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25You turning up at school and asking me to lunch in front of my class.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I didn't mean nothing by it.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I told you before, Danny - school is out of bounds.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Out here, of course, things are different.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Oh, are they, miss?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yes. For a start I'm not "miss".
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm Louise, OK?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Hey, Danny.- Hello, Louise. - How do you do?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Yeah, good.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Your parents don't know you have left school, do they?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Yeah.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Did you come into school especially to see me?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Well, now that you're your own man...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What are you doing on Saturday?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Saturday? Er... Nothing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Why don't you come over?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22We can look through some of my photo albums.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Stay over, if you like.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Stay over, where?- My place.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Mark used to.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh... Yeah, yeah.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yeah... Er, that would be...
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I'll take that as a "yes". See you there.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44MUSIC: And You And I by Yes
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- TV:- 'I've got three rather interesting items to show you
0:11:54 > 0:11:55'from the stolen goods list this week,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'starting off with the break-in in Bethnal Green three weeks ago...'
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Dad, there's someone here to see you. - Yeah?- It's a policeman.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- All right, Kenny son?- All right, Spud?- She was panicking, then.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07FRED CHUCKLES
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Sit down, I just want to see what he's saying here.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- Do you watch this?- Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14'So if anyone offers you cheap bottles of Chanel perfume
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'in the Croydon area, do please get in touch...'
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Do you know anything about that? Croydon?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22No, it's news to me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We've just had some of that "Taboo" come in -
0:12:24 > 0:12:26you know, the old "Parfum De Toilet".
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Oh, yeah? That's a bit of a drop-off from Chanel, innit?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33How about this? 10,000 Embassy Tipped -
0:12:33 > 0:12:35he was talking about those earlier, in Romford.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Yeah, it does ring a bell.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'll have to have a little look in the old incident book.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Well, keep them peeled, eh?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- 'If you saw anything...'- You get some good tips off this programme.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I shouldn't really drink on duty, but, er... I do.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- So, what did you want, Spud? - I need a favour, Kenny.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Shaky Young - your lot still after him?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Nah - we're happy with him up in his sister's loft.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- What? So you know where he is, then? - Blimey, Spud. Who don't?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05He's out of harm's way up there - and what with Jeanie doing his meals,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07he's saving the nation 40 quid a week, eh?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- FRED LAUGHS - Yeah, I suppose.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12What if he was to turn up at his brother's funeral?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13What do you mean?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Well, if he was to come down from the loft, go to the funeral,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19go straight back up afterwards - would you be all right with that?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yeah, if there was a drink in it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'll sort you out, Ken. Always do, don't I?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25'A consignment of Teacher's Whisky
0:13:25 > 0:13:27'that never made it to its destination in Plumstead...'
0:13:27 > 0:13:30There you are. You like Scotch, don't you?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36MUSIC: Could It Be I'm Falling In Love by The Spinners
0:13:40 > 0:13:42You pushing in again?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What you going to do about it? SHE GIGGLES
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Here, sorry I can't come to Sharon's wedding.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, well. You've got a good enough excuse -
0:13:49 > 0:13:51can't be helped your Sandra's getting married the same day.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- That's fate, mate. - So, you forgive me?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You can have the last bit of gammon.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Go on, then. You're forgiven.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00How's all the arrangements going?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Yeah, fine, Keith. 216 coming.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Just got to find the money to pay for it, now.- We got 46.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Sounds like I come off light.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- That include Marion?- No.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15No, she still don't want nothing to do with me and Sandra.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Oh.- Oh, it's all right.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Sometimes, I wish I had someone there for all the feminine stuff.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You know, them centrepiece thingies for the tables,
0:14:24 > 0:14:25place settings and that -
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I try me best, but what do blokes know about cake ribbons?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Oh, that's the fun part, Keith. I love all that sort of stuff.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I'll give you a hand with it, if you want.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Are you being serious? - Yeah, yeah, if it'd help you out.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Oi, don't you go getting me fat!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52MUSIC: Layla by Derek And The Dominoes
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, hi.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Come in.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20MUSIC: Solid Air by John Martyn
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh, yeah. This is great.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Thank you. Sit down - I've done us some lunch.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Dinner!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34'I'd landed on another planet -
0:15:34 > 0:15:38'as far away from Pyrex and Formica as I could possibly get.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44'It felt a bit intimidating,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48'but I was determined to show this was absolutely my scene.'
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Oh, is that OK for you there?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Oh, yes. I'm not shocked.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02By what?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I've had marijuana before.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- 'I hadn't.'- Marijuana? Is that what it is?
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Yeah - dope, you know? Junk.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13It's a joss stick. It's an air freshener.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17It's... It's not in a tin?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20- Your plate.- Thanks.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Et voila.- Thanks a lot.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37'Well, I'd never seen an arrangement like this in my life.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:41- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Mmm.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53'I thought the bread and cheese was fine -
0:16:53 > 0:16:55'I could make that into a sandwich...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59'..but what was the apple doing there?'
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Are you not having any apple?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Oh... I didn't see that there.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Pissing hell, Jean - how much longer?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Took him half an hour
0:17:16 > 0:17:19to get down the first three rungs of the ladder this morning.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Your problem is, you let him have... - Go! Go! Go! Go!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"Go-go-go"? We've been standing here 20 minutes.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28MUSIC: Wonderful World, Beautiful People by Jimmy Cliff
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Go! Go!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Go! Go!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What's the best way from here, Freddie?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Er... Well, I'd go up Stitchbury Lane,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- turn right at the Grapes on the corner.- Go! Go!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45The Grapes? Which one's that?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48You know, the Grapes - Sid Harris used to have it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Used to be the Horn of Plenty? His wife left him for a Turk.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Go, go!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- He's in Marbella, now.- Shut up...
0:17:57 > 0:17:58No, he went over there.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Opened a place about two years ago...- Go!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04MUSIC: Everything by Squeeze
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I can't see any Old Bill, Spud.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31No, that's cos I've thrown them off the scent.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He's told them I'm in Argentina.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34They've got half the Met out,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37covering all the airports, waiting for me to fly in -
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and I'm here all along! Genius.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47What's this Teddy Williams look like?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I guarantee he won't be here.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I like it, Spud. Wide open space, plenty of people...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55A funeral, the perfect cover.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It is a funeral. They're putting your brother down the hole.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Perfect.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Argentina?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Don't knock it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07He goes to the funeral, I get Billy's war record -
0:19:07 > 0:19:08we all go home happy.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10All right, Spud?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13All right, Kenny. Come to pay your respects?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Nah, come to pick up my Scotch.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17It's in the boot of the car.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Let's get this done first, eh?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20All right. Remember, when all this is over,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I want him straight back up in that attic. Right?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Don't worry, he's a good boy. - ..In Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- All right, mate?- Yeah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Hello, Shaky.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Hello, Shaky.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Coo-ee, Shaky!- - Hello, Shaky. - - How you doing, Shaky?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I think they think you're Shaky.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Yeah...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Bloody hell, Barb's here!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Who?- Barbara. My little Barb...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- EVERYONE:- All right, Shaky? Hello, Shaky.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Hello, Shaky.- It's me - Shaky!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Well, I didn't think it was Billy. How are you, sexy?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- All right. What are you doing here? - I wanted to see you again, didn't I?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It's been a long time, Shaky.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09And I'm a single woman again now - got divorced last year.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Finally.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12But how did you know I'd be here?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- Everyone knew you was going to be here.- What do you mean, "everyone"?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Well, I went to the Red Cow and they was all talking about it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And then, I went from there to the Lilliput and they was all talking about it.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24And then, I went up the Southwark Park Tavern and cos they was all talking about it,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- I thought I might as well come and see you.- But everyone thinks I'm in Argentina...- Argentina?
0:20:28 > 0:20:32You ain't gone round the twist, up in Jeanie's loft, have you?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- What? You know about the loft? - Everyone knows about the loft.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I mean, what is it - 14 months, now?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I was beginning to wonder if you was ever coming down.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Oh, for fuck's sake! - ALL GROAN
0:20:41 > 0:20:43So, you all know where I've been?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- ALL MURMUR:- Yeah, course we do.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47This is choice.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Go on, have a right good fucking laugh, everyone.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52It's only been 14 months of my life.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Have a right good giggle.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Why didn't you tell me, Spud?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I tried, Shaky. I tried!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Shaky on the run? Big laugh!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03You think I can't go on the run?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Watch this!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm Shaky Young! I'm Shaky Young!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- I'm Shaky Young!- Steady on! - DOG BARKS
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- I'm Shaky Young!- You'd better go and get him, Spud.- Oh...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Where's he going?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Shaky? Come back here!- No!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25MUSIC: Feelin' Alright by Joe Cocker
0:21:53 > 0:21:56MUSIC: Time Has Told Me by Nick Drake
0:22:03 > 0:22:05RECORD ENDS
0:22:10 > 0:22:13MUSIC: Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Can you get me another glass, angel?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29'I'd always been reasonably confident with girls.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30'But this wasn't a girl.'
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- Danny Baker, are you trying to get me drunk?- No.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36'This was a woman -
0:22:36 > 0:22:40'an experienced, proper, grown-up woman...'
0:22:40 > 0:22:41SHE SIGHS
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Cat Stevens is so great, isn't he? - Yeah, he's terrific!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49'..a woman who, at some point in the evening, had taken her drawers off.'
0:23:00 > 0:23:01- BOOM - What was that?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04FIRE CRACKLES
0:23:04 > 0:23:07'Right, remember my brother's hand grenade?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10'Well, earlier that week, he did give it back, like Mum had asked,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12'to his mate, Peter Tulloch.'
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Come on, you. Up you get..
0:23:15 > 0:23:16What's that?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, it's all right, it's a dud.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- I don't give a monkey's. I don't want in the house. - Mum, I've just told you...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Bleeding bomb in the house - what's it coming to, eh?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27'Now, apparently,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30'compost undergoes a chemical reaction as it starts to rot.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32'It can actually get quite hot.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'So, if you drop it on top of a hand grenade
0:23:34 > 0:23:37'that everyone thinks is a dud, but actually isn't,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39'well, after a couple of days...'
0:23:43 > 0:23:45BOOM
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What the bastard hell was that?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Spud! We're under attack!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Shaky! I've been looking for you all night - where you been?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Sorry, mate. It all got on top of me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I suppose I just cracked up...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- It's aliens!- Aliens?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- That's number 52. - VOICES SHOUT FROM WINDOWS
0:24:04 > 0:24:05That's the Tullochs'...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Seems to be from over your way.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Yeah, yeah, it does.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Listen, I'm going to go.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Yes...maybe you should.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22'It's possible the whole thing
0:24:22 > 0:24:25'had been a big game of bluff on her part.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28'But as I retreated, tail between my legs,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31'I realised that where sex education was concerned,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33'it was back to school for me.'
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I kept on knocking, but there's nobody in.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Don't know where Bet is. She should have been well home by now.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I've made a right idiot of myself, ain't I, Spud?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Nah, nah. No more than Benny Warriss.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Did you hear about that?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Jumped over the wall at Parkhurst, straight into an open sewer.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54They stuck him in solitary, just cos of the smell.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56DOG BARKS
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Hello!- Oh, she's here now.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Oh, hello, Shaky - shouldn't you be back up in your penthouse?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Well, you can have too much of a good thing, Bet.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Where have you been?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- I told you - I was on lates. - You said you were on earlies.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12No, lates. I said lates.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14But you went out early this morning.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Yeah, well, I had to go and get me hair done -
0:25:16 > 0:25:18but they couldn't fit me in, so...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Anyway, I'm knackered. I'm going to go straight up.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Night, Shaky.- Night, Bet. - See you in a bit.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- All right if I kip on your settee, Spud?- Yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'll turn meself in in the morning...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- WALLET PLOPS - Shaky? Dropped your wallet.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Oh, cheers, Spud.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Here, I've had an idea.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Instead of you turning yourself in tomorrow,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42what if I was to do it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Eh?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46MUSIC: I Feel Free by Cream
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Hello, Spud! Come and sit here. - Are you sure?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Yeah, I'm just going, you can have him all to yourself.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Bye, darling. See you next week. - See you later, darling.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- See you, Barbara.- Yeah, bye, darling.- Mind how you go.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06So, have you settled in?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm struggling to get used to all this open space, Spud.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Have to get yourself a dog - take it for walks round E Wing.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Did you collect the reward money yet?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Yeah, picked it up this morning.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- They were fucking furious! - LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Nothing they can do, though - I was the one that brought you in.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Two and a half grand round to Jeanie's -
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- I kept a monkey for meself, right? - And you're happy with that?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I was happy with the war record. Thanks very much for that, by the way.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31So, you and Barbara, you're... you're back on, are you?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Oh, she's an angel.- That's nice.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What you got - three months left, is it?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Three days. - What do you mean, "three days"?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I'm having it on me toes again.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- What?- Well, this reward money stroke.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46If it works once, it can work again and again.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48But you can't go back up Jeanie's attic!
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Never you mind about Jeanie's attic.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Barbara - she's got a cellar!