0:00:05 > 0:00:09# They say time will wait for no man
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# They say time is on my side
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# I can never make my mind up
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# As it all goes whizzing by
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# From the cradle to the grave
0:00:25 > 0:00:30- # From the cradle to the grave - I know I won't be a slave
0:00:30 > 0:00:35- # I know I won't be a slave - To the mistakes that I made
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- # From the cradle - I won't go till I'm ready
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# From the cradle to the grave. #
0:00:43 > 0:00:45After 20 years in the docks,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47it was time for a fresh start for my old man.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# We're the soldiers of the Queen, my lads
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# Who've been, my lads Who've seen, my lads... #
0:00:54 > 0:00:57He was going to join The Royal Division of Commissionaires.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# In the fight for England's glory, lads
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# When we've had to show them what we mean
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# And when we say we've always won... #
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh, I do love a man in uniform.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09My Wally was, first time I met him.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Yeah, Fred was as well, as it happens.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13What, fighting Hitler?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15No, he was on the run from the military police.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18THEY LAUGH
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Squad, halt!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Stand at ease!
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Stand easy.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- Present arms! - LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33This programme contains some strong language
0:01:33 > 0:01:36This programme contains adult humour
0:01:36 > 0:01:42Quick march! Up, left, left, left, left.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Does the City of London know what it's letting itself in for
0:01:48 > 0:01:50with our lads? Blimey!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Come on, drink up, everyone!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's going to last all week, this leavin' do.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57CHEERING Leave somethin' for my wedding, Dad!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You know what your father's like - does nothin' by halves.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01But amidst all the skimmish
0:02:01 > 0:02:05and skirmish, there was one person who wasn't having a good time. Me.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Having made a complete lake of myself over the fabulous
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Miss Blondel, I had allowed the true object of my desire to drift away.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Yvonne Speedie.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17In her own deluded way, she had decided that Tony Gooche,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20an apprentice butcher from the co-op,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22was more of a catch than me - an unemployed drop out
0:02:22 > 0:02:25pretending to his parents he was still at school.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Dan, this is Tina and Wendy. They want to ask you something.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I know you're going to think we're mad, right,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36but we met him down the market and he said that your brother...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38is David Essex. He's not, is he?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44All the girls fancied David Essex and it had been mentioned
0:02:44 > 0:02:48by a couple of my mates that I did look a bit like him.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49# Jimmy Dean. #
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- My brother?- Yeah, cos nobody likes him more than we do.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I'd marry him in, like, ten minutes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah, but I'd kill you on your wedding day.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- THEY LAUGH - Hey! So is he?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06No. I promise, he definitely, definitely ain't.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Oh, my God, he is! He is!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Eh? How d'you figure that out?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, if you'd have said yeah, then we'd have known he weren't.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14So if this is a party for your dad,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17David Essex must be comin' too, yeah?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19David Essex is not my brother.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- BOTH:- Oh, my God, he's coming! He's coming!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Just sit down.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36At that precise moment, nobody knew where my actual brother,
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Michael, was.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Worse still, neither did he,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44having decided that tonight was going to be
0:03:44 > 0:03:48the first in the Baker family to try LSD.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51DRONING MUSIC
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Lackey. That's you now.- No.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Hey, you're going to be a right toady,
0:04:07 > 0:04:08you'll have to be, Spuddy boy.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Them city blokes'll shout
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- and you'll have to jump about all over the place.- Will they?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Give it a couple of weeks, we'll see who's working for who.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Everything goes through me, don't it?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- PHONE RINGS - All the people in and out,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22all the parcels, all the mail.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26There's plenty room for scope, don't you worry about that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Spud! It's your boy on the phone.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Danny! Go and tell your bleeding brother to get down here! Go!
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Let us talk to him after you!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- Hello.- 'Danny?'
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Hey, I'm in this fantastic place, mate. But it's too big.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I don't know if I'm going to be able to find me way out.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51What shall I tell Dad?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Tell him...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's all too beautiful!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03'Wow. You should see this.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- 'Wow, it's like a moving space...' - Yeah, all right, David.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12If you're stuck in a recording studio,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13there's nothing I can do, is there?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17OK, there's some people dyin' to meet you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19THEY GIGGLE OK, bye, David.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- DISTORTED:- Come on, hurry up.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I've got a call to make. What you doing in there?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29He's just a bit busy to make it down here tonight.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32But, erm, now that you know, can you keep it to yourself, do me
0:05:32 > 0:05:34a favour? You know, my mum and dad are just fed up with it all.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Oh, I won't breathe a word. - Brilliant.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I promise. I haven't anyone to tell.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46How about if I was his cousin?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Yeah, but you're not, are ya?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52MUSIC: When The Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin
0:05:55 > 0:05:59And so began one of the more extraordinary episodes of my life.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09One I'm ashamed to say I exploited to the full.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14MUSIC: Rock On by David Essex
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Over in the City...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Dad was facing his first day on the straight and narrow.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Do they work this hard all the time?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Yes.- What for?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27To keep the company's profits at a maximum!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28What for?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Good morning, sir.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34This is our new man on the front desk, Lance Corporal William Young.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Mr Carter, this is... Fred.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Or Spud, don't matter to me.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I thought you said his name was William?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Never mind all that - what do you do?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Mr Carter is the office manager.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The youngest in the company's history.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You report to me.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Oh, yeah?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I read in your military record that you served in Aden?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Mentioned in dispatches twice.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59What do you remember about Aden from your time there?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- I don't remember a lot about it. I got blown up.- Blown up?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yeah, right up in the air.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Because my sister lives in Aden.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, I don't think she had anything to do with it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I'm sorry to monopolise you again, Bet. You seem to be spending
0:07:22 > 0:07:25more time on my Sandra's wedding than your Sharon's.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Don't be so daft.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I'll miss our little meetings when this is all over - it's not the same
0:07:33 > 0:07:37having to share you with everyone else in the canteen at work.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46What's this?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49My secret vice - night fishing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Since Marion left, it's given me something to do of an evening.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59You'd love it. Clear night, total silence, moonlight on the lake
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and the chance of an eight-pound carp.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Huh. Well, I'll have to take your word for that.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I'll be two minutes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Our local fishing tackle shop was run by a bloke called Orrie.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23He was a lovely fella, a real character who, unfortunately,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25suffered from...an affliction.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Hello, Keith, what can I get you?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Pint of maggots, Orrie.- Righto.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Now Dad hated fishing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34But his mate Wally Shaw was obsessed with it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Going to need some good 'uns tomorrow.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Competition down in Tankerton.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Oh, the all-nighter? Lovely. Your missus must be understanding.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I don't have a missus.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You can have mine if you want.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Now then, er, split shot, floats, bag of hooks, pint of maggots...
0:08:54 > 0:08:58That'll be £2.10 and... FWAAAYYYY!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03MUSIC: Fire On The Bayou by The Meters
0:09:06 > 0:09:08And before you go off tellin' everyone,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11that's the first big one I've done since January.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Right. Back to the fascinating world of seating plans.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- What's that?!- It's all right.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28What's that? What's that? What's that? Oh, my good God!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- That's disgusting!- It's all right.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Hang on... No, you're all right, hang on!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36SHE SCREAMS AND SOBS
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You know, as soon as you tell people you are definitely, positively
0:09:54 > 0:09:58not David Essex's brother, it's funny how quickly word gets around.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Excuse me. Can you give these to David Essex?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05This is for him, and can he read this and sign this?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06I'm his cousin, you know.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Yeah, you know I'm not actually his brother?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- GIGGLING - He is, he is!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I mean... I mean, I'm definitely not his cousin.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh, behave!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Two strawberry milkshakes?- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21'The attention was nice, but it was really just a bit of a game.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22'Until I met Heather.'
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I mean, I know you really look like him,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36but are you David Essex's brother?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Me?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Yeah, I am.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Wow.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50MUSIC: Gonna Make You A Star by David Essex
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Dad had promised Mum he'd make a go of his new job and -
0:10:55 > 0:10:59to his credit - he'd managed to make it to lunchtime on day one.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Opens this door and there was this cabinet full of brandy,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05scotch, vodka, she says, "One of your duties is to make
0:11:05 > 0:11:08"sure that these boardroom decanters are always topped up."
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And I thought, "Never mind the decanters, mate,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"I'll keep myself nice and topped up, thank you very much."
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- LAUGHTER - I did.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I dunno, Spud. You gotta be careful, mate.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- It's a different game here.- He's right, Spud, it's a different game.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Nah, nah, nah - it's the same game, mate,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25different turf, that's all. Same again?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, er, I better bet getting back.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28What the... Why?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I don't wanna be late first day, do I?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32What's the matter with him?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, sorry, mate.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He was always like that down the docks.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Whenever there was a strike,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39that ponce was always the first to vote to go back.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No, nah, not you an all, Dickie?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It's my Mavis, Spud. I promised her.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I mean, what would Bet say if you buggered this up first day?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49My Bet would rather I be me own man than cow-towed.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Mind how you go, Spud.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Come on, ladies, up you come,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58otherwise you'll be like the bloke who missed the bus. Jobs on!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Can you hear me?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm saying, which are the King Edwards
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and which are the Maris Piper?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07My actual brother was still enthusiastically -
0:12:07 > 0:12:11if recklessly - continuing his exploration of inner space.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15The Navajo. They gave us potatoes.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I don't care if you got 'em from bleedin' Geronimo,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I want three pound of Maris Pipers.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29DISTORTED MUSIC POTATO THUDS
0:12:36 > 0:12:39What on earth are you doing?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Micky! What...?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh, no.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I've only gone and turned into a bloody snail, ain't I?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I'd asked Heather out to see David Essex's latest film.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58And I'd had a brain wave about the tickets.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03# Hold me close, don't let me go
0:13:03 > 0:13:06# Oh, no. #
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Where have you been?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Me dinner.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Dinner? You mean lunch.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- No, I mean me dinner. - So what do you have in the evenings?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Tea.- Tea? So what do you drink?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That's very nice of you, I'll have a large brandy.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18HE CHUCKLES
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I'm not happy with your attitude, Young.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I've had underwriters on the phone still waiting for their
0:13:23 > 0:13:2612.00 mail, people walking around without the proper permits.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28No paper towels in the gents' toilet.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30You ought to take a leaf out of your predecessor's book.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32When I gave him an order, he carried it out.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35They'll be carrying you out in a minute.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I beg your pardon.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Who do you think you are?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Now you look here, my man... - Your man?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Let's get one thing straight.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You might be wearing a uniform, but you are nothing
0:13:46 > 0:13:48but a glorified doorman. Do you understand?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51If I've got an errand I need you to run, you bloody well run it!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Right, I tell you what.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Could I have a word with you in private, please, Mr Carter?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- CHOKING:- You've turned into a maniac!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- And you're about to turn into Superman.- What?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Cos in a minute you'll be flying out that fucking window.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Don't you ever talk to me like that again,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and in front of all them young girls!
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Fred! Let him go!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Mr Launchberry, this is anarchy!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15No.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17This is bollocks.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Fred! Where are you going?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26MUSIC: Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- DOG BARKS - Oo-oo!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Hello.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Wasn't expecting you back so early. How'd it go?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Want a bacon sandwich?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I run into Smithfield Smutty down the market, got a pile of bacon.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- No, thanks. - I'll have one.- Here you are.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Here, haven't you got a wedding dress to be fitting in to?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I'm not havin' sauce on it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, well that's all right, then.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51So, how did it go?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I jacked it in.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Eh?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Nah, just windin' you up. You should see your face.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Ohhh!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04No, I was, er, just being shown the ropes today.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Half day, you know, first day and that.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, thank God, I thought you were serious.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Don't do that to me again, you rotten sod.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12No, it's going all right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Take a bit of getting used to, though.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Good, where's Danny?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Don't think he's home yet.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Too busy tryin' to convince some poor cow down the caf
0:15:22 > 0:15:23that he's David Essex's brother.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Is that why he's started dressing like a pikey?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29This Donny Essex, does he work up at the fairground?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He's a pop star, Dad.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32He's got an earring.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I think Danny's going to get one.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, is he? His mother'll help him pack.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Right, come on then, you, get 'em off.- What?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42I'll press it for tomorrow.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Oh, I thought my luck was in then.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Where's your cap?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I threw it at some bloke when I walked out.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Here, Sissy Painter says if you do well in a job like this,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55they keep you on for life.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Yeah, well, let's just see how it goes, eh.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03'Living a double life wasn't easy for Dad.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05'Whereas by now, I was an old hand.'
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- See you, Dad.- Yeah! Yeah!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Back in his civvies, with a good breakfast inside him,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Dad headed straight for his favourite
0:16:20 > 0:16:22bookies in Rotherhithe New Road.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Unfortunately, his route took him down Silwood Street,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27where he ran into the only other person in the world, apart
0:16:27 > 0:16:31from my mum, that he definitely did not want to see that day.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Spud! Oi, Spud!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Buckle Eyed Bill Pitts.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Dad was firmly of the opinion that if you looked a boss-eyed bloke
0:16:37 > 0:16:40in the face before a bet, it brought you bad luck.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Well, look, I just want a quick word with you.- No, not now!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I'm sure you can see two of me. Have a word with the other one.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I can get hold of some Hoovers and some hairdryers, you interested?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50No, I'm not. Stay indoors!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Dad and Buckle went through the same pantomime every time
0:16:53 > 0:16:54they saw each other.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Oi! Oi! Oi! What you doin'? How come you're not at school?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02The, erm, the fire alarm went off.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Fire alarms? I'll give you fire alarms.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You're hoppin' it, ain't ya? And I've caught you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11When you go in tomorrow, don't ask for a note from me or your mother.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh! Dad...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15I've left school.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Left school? When?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Ages ago. I been too scared to tell you.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25So what you been doin' with yourself? Walking the streets?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Your mother is going to go potty. Where's your uniform?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- In here.- In there? That's deception, that is.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35That's against the law - failure to maintain yourself.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37What you going to do?
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Photography?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Fuckin' photography. Huh!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I don't know what's happening to you, I really don't!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I have nightmares, nightmares you're going to wind up
0:17:46 > 0:17:48workin' in a women's shoe shop.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Dad?- What?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Well, where's your uniform?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, bollocks.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Come on, let's go and have a drink.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04A drink. What, like in a pub?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Yeah. Well you've left school now, ain't ya?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You're a funny kid, you are, God knows where you get it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Spud!- Fuck off, Baxter, don't look at him, son. Don't look at him!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Stay indoors!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Come on, Micky, how long you going to stare at them boxes?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23DISSONANT MUSIC
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Woman here wants two dozen golden plums.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27All right, all right.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Golden plums.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- SHE SCREAMS - Jesus Christ!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37He'll be all right. Whoa, it's his eye!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:18:42 > 0:18:45All right, good day at school. History was good.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And geography.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I've got some homework to do, so...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04# Rock and roll me all night long, babe. #
0:19:06 > 0:19:07All right!
0:19:09 > 0:19:14Well, I've not had a bad day, got to know a few of 'em a bit better.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17The guv'nor seems like a nice bloke.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22This guv'nor - did he give you any good tips?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Eh?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25For the horses?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Cos the only person you've seen today is Buckle-Eyed Bill Pitts
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- on the way to the betting shop. He told me.- Nah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I've...I've...I've been at work all day.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Yeah?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40So what do you need a change of clothes for?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I knew it, boss-eyed blokes - always poxy bad luck!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46This has got nothing to do with luck, Fred.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I wasn't even there ten minutes and I knew I wasn't cut out for it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55They said I was a glorified doorman. The lowest of the low.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Me, a doorman!
0:19:57 > 0:19:58So why all this pantomime today?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I tried to tell you last night, but...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05You just looked...heartbroken.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09I am heartbroken. Now.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15The way you lied to me. And creeping around behind my back?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And now we're back at square one.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22All your dock money's gone on this...this wedding
0:20:22 > 0:20:26we've got hurtling towards us, and then we going to do?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30This was our chance to get straight.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Proper job, Fred.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33You had a proper job.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Let me tell you about that proper... - No, don't tell me nothin'
0:20:36 > 0:20:40cos it'll all be balls, won't it? Cos that's what you do.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Treat me with contempt.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Mum.- Danny, not now.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I haven't been going to school.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I left three weeks ago.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51(Fucking hell!)
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Sorry I lied to you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I'll be back late tonight.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Bye.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Bye.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Where you goin'?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17What's it matter?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Cos soon as anyone walks through that door, it's just
0:21:21 > 0:21:22all a mystery, innit?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I'll see you in the morning.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29The morning? What do you mean the morning?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32PHONE RINGS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36The phone's back on.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38At least that's a bit of good news.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Hello?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49You what? When?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53His eyes - what you talkin' about, his eyes?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59No, no, no, don't! I'm comin' up, right. I'm comin' up.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Bet!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Bet!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Bet!
0:22:07 > 0:22:08BET!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20MUSIC: Gonna Make You A Star by David Essex
0:22:33 > 0:22:35PHONE RINGS
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Hello.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hello.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Joan? It's Fred.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Is Bet with you?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46No, no, I've tried there.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48And there.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52And there. Yeah!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56# I'm gonna make you a star... #
0:22:56 > 0:22:59So I was officially going out with the best looking girl that I
0:22:59 > 0:23:04or any of my mates had ever seen. And now, it was back to her place.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11THEY LAUGH
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Will I do it?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20- Louise?- 'Heather?'
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's me. Guess who I'm with!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- 'Who?'- David Essex's brother.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- 'No!'- Here, say hello.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29'Oh, my God! Hello?'
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- Hello?- 'Are you really David Essex's brother?'
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yeah. Yes, I am.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- 'Can you say hello to him for me?' - Yes, I will.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38'What is his favourite food?'
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Er... Steak and chips, but he does like fish fingers too.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43'I like fish fingers.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:47See, I told you. I'll call you tomorrow.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Well, now that's done. Shall we go back to yours?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Not yet - I've got a load more people I want you to speak to first.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Hello, brother Baker. - Hello, Spud, you all right?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Allow me to furnish you with some strong water. Sit, sit.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14No, you're all right, Bill.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- On your own, Fred? - You haven't see Bet, have you?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- No. What's the matter?- I haven't spoken to her since yesterday.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- You all right?- No, it's Michael, he's in the hospital.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- He's put his eye out. - THEY GROAN
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Yeah, I need to find her, I've looked everywhere I could think of.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Oh, my goodness... Er, pictures?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30No, she wouldn't go on her own. She said she might be out all night.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- All night? - Oh, we had a row or something.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Erm, where's she going to go all night?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Look, ask around for us, will you?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I'm going to shoot round her sister's.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40If she turns up, Michael's in the Royal Eye Hospital.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42OK, all right.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Frank, have you seen Bet?- No, mate.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Hope he's all right.- Me too.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Spud!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55What?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58What?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I know where she might be.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Do you mind?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Get out of it!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What am I doing out here? I must be puggled!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Fishing, I'll give you fishing.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Come on, where are the pair of you?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Can't you see there's a competition in progress?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24If it's a competition to see who gets a right-hander,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26you're going to win it, mate.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Fuck you, Wally, and your hunches.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Come all the way out here for nothing.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Fred?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Bet?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I don't believe it. What the bleedin' 'ell are you doing here?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Getting some peace and quiet.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Hello, Fred.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- "Hello, Fred?"- Let's not be silly.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I hope you can swim, mate, cos you're going straight in that drink
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- when I get hold of you.- Fred, nobody's getting hold of anybody.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I should hope not - but you'd know about that, Bet, wouldn't you?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Well, I couldn't stay indoors no more.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00You are driving me mad, Fred, everything is.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01We were just fishing...
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Can't you deal with this in private?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'll deal with you in private in a minute, mate.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Keith, where are you going?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11This isn't my thing. I'm sorry.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12We've done nothing wrong!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I've done nothing wrong, Fred.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Get, you long streak of piss!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Answer me this, what's the attraction to him?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20What is all this about?
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Well, answer me.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I am answering you, Fred.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31What?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34He listens, get it?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He listens to me.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yeah, well...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Michael's in hospital.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- What?- You can do what you fuckin' want, but our boy's in hospital.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47What's the matter with him?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- They reckon he's lost his eye. - Oh, God! When?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52This afternoon.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Oh, my good God! I've got to get there.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Yeah, I tried to find you earlier.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59But you'd gone fishing.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Where are you parked?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Huh! I thought you'd be going home with him!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Well, I shall tell the hospital he can have one of my eyes.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Michael can have one of my eyes!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11If he's having anyone's eye, he's having mine.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12- Oh, God!- My eye!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Are you sure your parents won't be awake?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21No. They go to bed at ten every night. It's fine.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I plan these things very carefully.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Come here!
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Heather.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Oh...
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Are you Danny?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Yeah. We were just...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Your sister called. Your brother's had an accident.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02What? Is it bad?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05He's at the London Eye Hospital. I think it's serious.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Er... OK! I'm going to have to go.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Um... I'll see you. Thanks.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Poor boy.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17David Essex is in the hospital!
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# They say time'll wait for no man
0:28:24 > 0:28:29# They say time is on my side
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# I can never make my mind up
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# As it all goes whizzing by
0:28:36 > 0:28:39# From the cradle to the grave
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- # From the cradle to the grave - I know I won't be a slave
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# I know I won't be a slave... #