0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Is it worth asking if there's a one-bed nearer the beach?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Let me drop him home, then we can chat about it.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- How about we go the airport? - Can I call you back?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- And put your foot down. - I'm not taking you the airport.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16I'm going to Gemma's house to look at flats for Australia.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Stop being so weird. - Fine. Give us your clothes.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Do you remember earlier on today
0:00:20 > 0:00:23when I asked you to stop being so weird?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I'll give you a grand for them.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28No, you won't, Jason, because a grand means a thousand.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31How the hell do you have so much...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Oh, my God! Jason! - Probably your brake light, mate.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, my God! They've got guns!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- Am I your getaway driver? - To be honest,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41you're more my getty-caught driver.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- I did say put your foot down!- Jason, why would you involve me in this?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Mate, I'll take the full rap. Like I'd ever get you in trouble.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You pigs come any closer, my boy Luke starts shooting.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04You are not going to get bummed to death.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Sorry, but I work in customer services.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I've taken training modules in empty promises.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10You're getting yourself worked up over nothing.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11That just doesn't happen in here
0:01:11 > 0:01:1396% of the time.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Just keep your head down. You'll be fine.- Head down.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Is that a tooth?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21No, it's probably just a bit of skull.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Look, we're not here to punish you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26We always like to say it's more of a school than a prison.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30So am I allowed out at weekends to see my girlfriend?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- More of a boarding school.- So we get holidays then?- Fine. It's a prison.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35ALARM BLARES
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Is that the lunch bell?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Don't worry about that, love. It's just a routine drill.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- INTERCOM:- This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- INTERCOM:- Isaac Turner missing from morning headcount.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49For God's sake!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Morning, boys.- Morning, Miss.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Let Isaac out the bag.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- How did he get...?- Just go.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08One of these days, they're going to break that washing machine.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Hey, what's up? You can tell the guards absolutely anything.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Why did they put that kid in a bag?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Isaac? The snitch. He tells the guards absolutely anything.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Big mistake in here.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23How can you do that to another human being?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I think the trick is to dislocate the pelvis
0:02:25 > 0:02:28because then you just concertina right down.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Any word on Isaac? Have they found his body yet?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yeah, he's OK. They only used an Eco Wash this time.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Well done, Dawny. Lovely stuff.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Luke, this is Creg, senior officer on our wing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Nice to meet you, Greg. - Creg. Have you got that, poppet?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48I was just explaining to Luke here,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50it's unlikely he's going to get bummed.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Oh, I don't know. If he does something with his hair,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54he might find the right guy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Dawny, you might want to look at your Facebook.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I think it's been hacked.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00For some reason, I can't seem to open your holiday photos any more.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Oh, again? I'll call Facebook tomorrow.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I'm kicking myself. I left all my print-outs at Mum's.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Right, here's your room - G15.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- Oh, this seems to be a twin room, so who am I...?- Oi-oi, Lulu!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- Get off me! And it's Luke! - Does Mr Grumpy need a tickle?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Which part of "I never want to see you henceforth"
0:03:27 > 0:03:29did you not understand?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Henceforth. Are you still sulking about that?- Oh, no!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I'm absolutely thrilled that you've managed to arrange me
0:03:36 > 0:03:40this two-year staycation in a fucking bumatorium.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46There he is. There's that smile. Come on! We're roomies!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49We're going to have the best cell in this joint. The party cell.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- The Ministry of Lulu. - Still not my name!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Who can be bothered to say Lu-u-uke?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Anyway, Lulu, isn't this a great room?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01The two of us locked in here together every single day.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Just imagine the constant banter. - Go fuck yourself, Jason.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And we're off!
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Right, sorry to talk admin, yeah,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I've started drawing up the wanking rota.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Just give me two ticks. - Shotgun Thursday mornings!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You can't make me stay with him.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18He's two sandwiches short of a...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- twin pack of sandwiches. - He described you as his "bezzie".
0:04:21 > 0:04:24He's not my bezzie. He's my girlfriend's brother.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Luke, it's not a Premier Inn. I can't...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29There must be someone else you can put me with.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31A child murderer, maybe.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Vernon Kay.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Don't get yourself into a little tizzy. I'll do my best.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Remember, head down.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Is that vomit?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I think it's actually spinal fluid. OK.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Jason!- What? Haven't you seen the rota?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Stoosh trainers, mate. Really suit you.- Thank you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- I'll swap them for a Pepsi Max. - I beg your pardon?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You need to meet Black Elton John. He's been in here 12 times.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- He can literally get you anything. - That's not my name, mate.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10You've got to admit you look like him. The Candle In The Bin guy.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Let's not bother the nice man, and it's "Wind". Candle In The Wind.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Why would you put a candle in the wind?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It would just blow out.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That's why you put it in the bin.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Are you going to buy something or what?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Newbies normally go for my welcome pack.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Ten credits gets you a sock full of Minstrels, a roll of satin Andrex
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- and six pages of Nuts magazine. - I'm not really interested,
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- but thank you.- Fair enough.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I can probably get you a copy of Big Spunkers from somewhere?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh, I need a nice thick duvet
0:05:34 > 0:05:35and a gun.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38A gun, Jason? This isn't Ross Kemp On Gangs.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You just let me know and you guys'll be fine,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- as long as you... - Find the biggest guy in here
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- and kick his face off. - No, keep our heads down.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I was going to say you'll be fine,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- as long as you don't sit in Marcel's special seat.- Oi!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Sorry, sorry, sorry. - Oh, that's Marcel!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Apparently, they caught him with a policeman's helmet in his glove box.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57It wasn't just the helmet.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I heard it was the full penis.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Sick! Let's go kick some face.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06No! Let's not do anything to anyone's anything.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Ow!- Good thinking. Let's wait till there's more people around
0:06:09 > 0:06:11to see us kill him.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12So what about that guv Dawn, then, Lulu?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14She couldn't take her eyes off my six-pack.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- You haven't got a six-pack. - I do when I'm squatting.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Please stop talking.- Fine.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20When I bring her back to the cell tonight,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- you need to make yourself scared. - It's "make yourself scarce"
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and you've got, literally, no chance with her.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You may not, but some of us have got the gift of the gob.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Gab.- What was that brilliant line I said to you before, Elt?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It was so good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Yeah, that Dawn is one screw I'd really like to...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Do go on.- ..shag!
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Shag?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Jason, screw! A screw I want to screw!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Why's that better?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Dawn's a screw I really want to screw!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Well, that's never going to happen.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00He said it, not me! I'm innocent, once again!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's a yellow card. I'm very disappointed, Luke.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- We both are.- Anyway, your girlfriend's here to see you,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07unless you want to stand here chatting about my nether regions?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Catch you in a bit, yeah, Dawn?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Nice of her to say goodbye to you in person.- What?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26All these hot, lonely girlfriends.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28At first, they just want a man's shoulder to cry on
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and then, before you know it...
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Thanks, Craig.- It's Creg. Clean your fucking ears out, munchkin.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Hello, you!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- I've missed you so much.- I've missed you too. Shall we take a...?- Yeah.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58So, the airline wouldn't refund us the Australia tickets,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01but it's cool. I've signed up to a bunch of extra shifts, so...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: ..we can still get a couple of shrimps on the barbie.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Oh, I thought we were going to Australia?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Shut up! I've been practising that.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Mum!- Sweetie!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You get here OK, then?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yeah. Yeah, Roger dropped me.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You are going to be fine, aren't you?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28And you're going to look after Jason, right,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- because you know that he can be a bit of a...- Dick!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Are you managing OK at home? - You know me. I'll cope.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Could have done with you the other night.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Bulb went in the kitchen. - Could it wait a couple of years?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Don't worry. Roger came over and did it.- Cool.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Is that a new top?- Yeah, I went Topshop last weekend.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- With Roger?- Yeah.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Just one question.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Who the fuck is Roger...
0:09:08 > 0:09:14- ..babe?- Hey, stop being silly. It's just Roger from the gym.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: Everything's going to be bonzer, sport!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Here, mate! Swap you a Creme Egg for them trainers.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Might need a bit of a wipe first, but...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Right, how much for a tattoo?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I'm thinking upper arm - Ministry of Lulu in Gothic script.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Who's Roger?- Never heard of him.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38And then, obviously, I want a skull
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- on my face.- Gemma's going on about some guy called Roger.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Oh, you mean Gemma's Roger.- Yes. - Yeah, top bloke! He's proper jokes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49He's got this amazing weed, as well. It makes you so horny.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50- Proper jokes.- The last time I had some,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- I fired a condom right the way across Nando's.- What?!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And he always gave me loads of the stuff for free,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59so I don't tell Gemma about this thing he did.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Oh, my days, it's so dark. Next level shit. The man's an animal.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06If anyone knew, man! Wow!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Would you tell me what he did?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Obvs! I'd tell my roomie anything!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14What is the dirtiest thing you can possibly do to a girl?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Just tell me what he did.- Guess.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I don't know. Tell me. - Come on! Think filthy!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Licking someone out?- Dawn.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Licking Dawn out?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- You're telling me that she's behind me again, aren't you?- Nah, mate.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31She's just to your right.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38You really are one sick puppy. That's a red card for sex offences.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Category D - oral.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Meaning, you said it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- No phone credit for a week. - And I'm docking three wanks.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I clearly shouldn't have bothered, but I've managed to get you sorted
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- with that single cell on D wing. Come on, then, soft lad.- You what?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I thought we were roomies. I thought you were my friend.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Why would you ask to...? - Quick, just tell me the Roger thing.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- What did he do?- Why would I even tell you anything?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Don't you even look at me.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I think there's been some sort of mistake.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- You specifically asked me... - Yes, to stay with my bezzie...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23..in the Ministry of Lulu.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Just tell me what he did.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Later. Some of us don't talk filthy when there's ladies present.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Glad I caught you, Dawn.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I'm afraid I've had to move the shifts around a bit.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47You'll be doing a late tomorrow with me, I think.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I can't. My sister's...- Don't worry. I've already called her.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- How did you...?- I'm sure she'll get a refund on her plane ticket.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Shall I book us a table somewhere after work?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Yeah, I'll be right there.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03So, can you just...?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04I've got to go.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, well, that's us in. I'm sure you're busy,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16so if you wouldn't mind leaving us to get settled...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Oh, he's a fun little fella, isn't he? Your teddy bear?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Sam-Sam's not really a teddy bear.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21He's just a little souvenir we bought
0:12:21 > 0:12:24when we started saving up for Australia.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I actually thought his eyes looked a bit like Gemma's and...
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck are you doing to his eyes?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Could be used as weapons, I'm afraid.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Once you've fished Igglepiggle's blanket
0:12:34 > 0:12:35out of a dead boy's throat...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39OK, phonecards.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Looks like there's only one for Jason.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I'll ask Dawn why you don't have one, sausage.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I do hope you haven't upset her. We're very close friends.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52Oh, I mean, you know, I didn't really want a phonecard anyway,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55so, you know, don't go to any trouble on my account.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Well, I will.- Please, don't.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01OK, I probably will.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Right, I'll leave you to cuddle your toys.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06It's a souvenir.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Jason, what did Roger do? - House-warming party tonight.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14What do you reckon? We'll put the chill-out area there, DJ there,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17vodka luge. You'll be over there enjoying a little Sex On The Toilet.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Please tell me that's the name of a cocktail.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Jason, what did Roger do?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Party in G15 tonight, guys! Someone bring a luge!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Jason! What did Roger do? - Who's Roger?- Gemma's Roger!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Oh, OK. So, about six months ago Roger goes to this house party,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36get's completely mashup, goes home with this girl
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and she lets him activate 3G!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Shit! Really?- Yeah!- Wow!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- And what does that mean exactly?- 3G.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You know, when you shag a girl, her mum and her gran.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Three generations.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- That is...- Amazing!- Disgusting!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00What a pervert. I need to tell Gemma.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Shit. I'm not going to see her till next week.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- Give me your phonecard.- I'd love to
0:14:03 > 0:14:06but I've already skibbed it to Black Elton for six fags
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and a picture frame.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Un-skib it! De-skib it! Reverse your skib.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14That's not how it works inside. You never go back on a deal.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15That's like the lowest of the low.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It's like being a snitch or a nonce
0:14:18 > 0:14:20or Vernon Kay.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Chat to Black Elton. He's a reasonable guy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'm sure you've got something he'll swap a 50p phonecard for.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- IN AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - Ah, g'day sport!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I was just thinking of you. What have you been up to?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Really. Feels like longer than two hours ago.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44No, no, no. I just wanted a chat really.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46What are you doing tonight?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Ah, Roger,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Roger, Roger, Roger.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55What was someone saying to me the other week about Roger?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It was really quite shocking. Jason's fine, yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Listen, about Roger, the thing, it was really...
0:15:00 > 0:15:04No, they got us a room together. Yeah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Listen, about Roger, because I don't have a huge amount of phone credit,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11so I was talking about Roger...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Stop talking because Roger fucked a girl and her mum and her gran!
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Oh, come on, that's not fair. A telltale? Me?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Reporting someone's wrongdoings does not make me a snitch
0:15:27 > 0:15:29because he's done something bad, probably illegal,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and you expect me not to inform anyone?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, I was just wrapping up anyway.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I must get the recipe for these nuggets.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- What would you call this sauce? - That's ketchup.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm not going to stand for this.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59People out there thinking my roomie's a snitch.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I'm just going to enjoy all of this extra food.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07All of this snitch nonsense will be over in ten minutes.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Can I just say, so brave of you coming out on your first day here.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- You're a credit to snitches everywhere.- I'm not a sn...
0:16:19 > 0:16:20OK, I know what we need to do.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23We need to find the biggest guy in here and...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick his face off.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I was going to say, "Become best friends with him,"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30but your idea's much better. Beat the shit out of him.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34That sends out a clear message. Nobody fucks with Lulu's mob.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39This isn't Avengers Assemble. There's no such thing as Lulu's mob.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42OK, fine,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44but I need to know the new gang name by Friday.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Tattoo day.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50There's your man. Take him down and, remember,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- punch upwards so his nose shoots up and explodes his brain.- Get down.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What would Gemma say if she knew I let you get killed?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I think she'd say, "You should definitely listen to Jason's plan.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- "He's a genius." - She wouldn't and what's wrong
0:17:03 > 0:17:06with keeping our heads down?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Nothing, if you don't mind being that guy's personal penis carriage.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- I can't look after you 9/11. - It's 24/7, mate.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- That sounds more doable. Right, fine, I'll do it myself, yeah?- No!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Guys...
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Dudes...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Before this goes any further,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30there's been a huge misunderstanding.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32There's no misunderstanding here.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I just see a snitch who's about to get chopped up
0:17:36 > 0:17:37and fed to his boyfriend.
0:17:37 > 0:17:44- Before anyone starts chopping, can I just explain myself?- I'm listening.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45If the Volturi never listened,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48there were wouldn't be a vampire left in Forks.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- Well, I'm not...- Hang on a minute. You're not Team Jacob, are you?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01One of those dick-sniffing werewolf lovers?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03No.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06You've very much got me wrong because Team Jacob,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08they're werewolves.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I mean, they're so unnecessarily hairy and giving at all of that,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"Oh." They're wankers. They're idiots. No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yeah, trust me, like, Bella would never fancy a werewolf.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I mean, who wants a boyfriend who can lick his own anus?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It's so good to meet another Twilighter, man.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You know, most of these lot
0:18:28 > 0:18:31couldn't even name me one member of the Denali coven.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Joyce.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43I like you, man.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You know what? I could do with having someone like you on board.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50When I read me New Moons and that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:56Oh, you're replacing m-m-m-m....
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Yes, I'd love to.- All right, gay-time's over.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Are you going to smack him or what?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03No, can't I just talk to my new best friend about our shared love
0:19:03 > 0:19:08- of the Twilight Saga?- Yeah. - Twilight? No, we hate Twilight.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11What was that ting you always used to say about Twilight?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- There was no ting.- Yes, there was.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You said it was like eating dog shit,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17shitting out that shit and robbing the new shit...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19You betrayed me! Just like...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Yeah, like the goblins betrayed the monkeys, we get it, yeah?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- You disrespected my best friend. - We're not really best friends.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29So, we are going to take you down.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- You and the snitch? - My boy's not a snitch.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Sex offender, maybe.- Just oral.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Fine. Ready when you are.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Well, now is very awkward for us, actually, because we've got a thing.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- You've got a thing?- Yes.- OK.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- No problem, seven o'clock then. - Done!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Cheerio!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Fuck!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01We missed pudding.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Still worried about Roger? - I had actually forgotten about that.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- He's trying to have sex with Gemma? - Thanks for the reminder.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I was actually more concerned about this evening's... My death.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Don't get your nipples in a Twix.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- While you were fingering your teddy...- It's a souvenir.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I've been putting together a gang.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25The hardest, maddest bastards in this joint,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27all tooled up and itching for war,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30but if you can manage without them, I'll send them away. Sorry, guys!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, fine, bring them in.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Come on, lads! Avengers assemble!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I think we've all met before.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Luke, Black Elton John, Isaac, or, as he is known in here,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- The Other Snitch. - Well, who's the other sn...
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Yes. How are we going to beat Marcel? He's got an army of 30 men.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No, he hasn't got 30 men. He's only got 29.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Massive Steve's still in solitary for biting through a door.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Right, weapons. I couldn't get you shotguns at such short notice
0:20:59 > 0:21:01but I've gone and got you second best.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05All right, third best.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Are these from the gym? Does Creg know you've got these?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Bravo, Jason.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Not only is this the most awful plan anyone has ever heard of,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17you've managed to put the icing on this fuckwit-ted cake
0:21:17 > 0:21:19by not even organising enough rackets for the four of us
0:21:19 > 0:21:21to hold whilst we die.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Who's this fourth guy? I'm just here to supply the weapons.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- Jesus Christ.- Guys, guys, guys, it's not about the number of us
0:21:28 > 0:21:31or the weapons in our hands. It's about what's in here.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Did David not doubt himself before he went off to defeat Godzilla?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'm going to have to sort this out myself, aren't I?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41If you're not back in time, you'll miss your slot.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43We use a wanking rota.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- All right, snitch?- I'm not a snitch.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01Gentlemen, we deeply regret having fallen short on this occasion.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Your custom is extremely valuable to us
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and I'm sure that we can work together to find
0:22:07 > 0:22:10a mutually acceptable and non-batter-ly solution.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I don't see why not. We're all reasonable people.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Apart from Massive Steve, obviously. Nice to have you back, mate.- Hello.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23We'll just fuck you up quickly now, then.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25No need to involve your friend,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28unless you'd rather the full-scale war this evening.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I was looking forward to wearing your cell-mate's skin as a onesie.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39OK, do it, but absolutely no penis parking.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I've just eaten and you've got to wait for two hours.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Evening, pumpkins. - Creg, great to see you!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- It's Creg.- Hmm?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I trust you're all playing nicely.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54We're just ch-ch-chatting to the f-f-f-f...
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Fucking prick?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I think he was actually going for fucking snitch.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Anything you wanted to tell Creg
0:23:01 > 0:23:03or happy for him to be on his way?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11We were just having a lovely chat, thanks.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Great. Toodle-pip, then.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Don't go! They're going to kill me and turn me into leisurewear!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Is this true?- Yeah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I'm very glad you felt you could tell me that, Luke.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Some people, they don't like to snitch.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32All right, you've got two minutes, lads. Don't punch his face.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Come on, guv.- No, actually, you might want to have a little stamp
0:23:35 > 0:23:42on his tongue. Stop him licking out people's very close friends.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You disgust me.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LUKE GROANS
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I do hope this hasn't spoilt your first day, chicken.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Back straight, swing from the hips.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Jesus, you OK?- Yeah.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Absolutely terrific. Tickety-fucking-boo.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Excellent. I need to show you how to backhand someone's balls
0:24:14 > 0:24:15into their shitpipe.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20What the fuck is wrong with you, you monumental prick?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25All I want to do is stop my girlfriend from hating me
0:24:25 > 0:24:30and get through this without being skinned or violated
0:24:30 > 0:24:35or used as a storage unit for pool equipment!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39ALARM BLARES
0:24:39 > 0:24:44All I want to do is keep my fucking head down!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46229 in G15.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Target has been neutralised. Stand down on the dogs.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Maybe bring a couple of Tasers just in case.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You can say goodbye to your visiting rights for this.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Do you play, Miss?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00If you ever fancy a knock up.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Gems, before you say anything,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I just need to apologise.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19No, it's me who should be apologising.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I completely understand why you were worried.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I mean, he is quite good looking.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- It's just... It's only because I care so much.- I love you too, Lukey.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35And everything is going to be completely fine.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - You bloody galah.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43These visits keep me going. Let's never miss another one again.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Of course not.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Next week might be tricky, though.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52It's Roger's birthday party and I kind of already promised I'd go.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- That's OK.- Thank you. It's just everyone's going.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00He's even invited Mum and Gran.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02They can't wait to meet him.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08There's nothing you can do to make up for getting me sent here.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- I meant to make up for the wet patch on your bed.- You remember Roger?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15You mean the Roger who's trying to get into my girlfriend's body.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- He's doing a French GCSE.- We do do an A Level.- Great, I'll do that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Latin.- We're going to start having some fun.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Do you mean you're going to bum me?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28If you're up to something, you know that I will find out.